Mockumentary
Fandom: The Office/Arrested Development crossover
Pairing: Michael/Maeby, Pam/Jim
Summary/notes: Written for annakovsky for the 2006 sitcomathon. Who decided to film in Scranton, anyway? And why? And as long as the studio's paying, can Creed have more bacon?
"Mockumentary"
NARRATOR: When she returned to work after the last yacht incident, Maeby found herself flooded with new material.
[INT STUDIO: HALLWAY. MAEBY unlocks the door to her office, opens it; tapes spill out into hallway.]
NARRATOR: Tantamount Studios had just acquired George Clooney Watches The News, Inc., an independent company dedicated to producing small-market documentaries and independent films. Previous releases included the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" series, "Caged Wisdom: Musings From Prison", and the surprisingly successful magical documentary "Tricks Around The Office", which found a huge market on university campuses thanks to exposure on YouTube.
[INT STUDIO: OFFICE. MAEBY and HEAD EXEC in a meeting. Posters of GOB cover the walls: dropping a dead dove, setting his cards on fire with the lighter fluid in his sleeve, tripping himself on his scarf]
HEAD EXEC: These office tapes are flying off the shelves! We need to hit this trend while it's hot. Have you looked at the tapes I left you?
MAEBY: ...Of course!
[shot: STUDIO HALLWAY, tapes spilling out of MAEBY'S OFFICE as she opens door]
HEAD EXEC: Fantastic. What'd you think about that documentary out of Wee Britain?
MAEBY: I...loved it?
HEAD EXEC: I'm glad to hear you say that, 'cause we're remaking it.
MAEBY: Great! Good for us. Cheers, Wee Britain, there's a good chap!
HEAD EXEC: And you're producing it.
MAEBY: Documentary, did you say?
HEAD EXEC: The WBAFTAs went nuts over it.
MAEBY: Right. Office documentary. Remake. Got it.
NARRATOR: The Bluth Company's story had enough twists, turns, comical mishaps and pop-culture references to make a brilliant series documentary of its own, one that might end up lasting two and a half seasons on a major American network before being brought down by terrible advertising and the .3 second attention span of most Nielsen households. But Maeby could not capitalize on this, remembering her uncle's warnings never to speak of the family's legal troubles.
[shot: MICHAEL briefing the family in the model home living room]
MICHAEL: Anything we say can and most likely will be used against us, so we have to be extra careful not to mention the case to manicurists, maids, hairdressers...Buster, you know those grapes aren't real, buddy?
[TOBIAS raises his hand.]
TOBIAS: What about acting coaches?
MICHAEL: No. Nobody but immediate family.
[shot: MAEBY and STEVE HOLT! in the school cafeteria]
MAEBY: And so then Mom was all, "Wait, what do you mean we can't stay in the hotel any more?" and she was pretty upset so that was kind of funny, but then my dad lost his license and just hung around the house all the time, and Gange kept coming around asking for money, like, you're old! Don't you have all the money? [pause for breath] I'm so glad I can finally talk to somebody about this.
STEVE HOLT!: Yeah. What else are cousins for, right?
MAEBY: Right!
[Beat. Both look away and exhale unhappily.]
[INT STUDIO: MAEBY'S OFFICE. Maeby rocking back and forth on office chair, chewing on pen.]
NARRATOR: Although she couldn't look to the Bluth Company for inspiration, Maeby used her family's business connections to get what she needed.
[MAEBY picks up her office phone and dials.]
NARRATOR: At this point, it was practically a family tradition.
MAEBY: Pop-Pop? What's the name of that woman you were telling George-Michael and me about at Gange's last birthday?
[PARTIAL TELEPHONE TRANSCIPT. 1:53 p.m., Monday, June 23, 2003]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Hello, Dunder-Mifflin corporate offices, how may I direct your call?
MAEBY FUNKE: Jan Levinson-Gould, please.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: I'm sorry, Ms. Levinson-Gould is in a meeting for the rest of the afternoon. May I take a message?
MAEBY FUNKE: Tell her George Bluth is calling in the favor she owes him.
[twelve seconds of silence]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: She'll be right with you.
[nineteen seconds of hold music: "I Saved The World Today", the Eurythmics.]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: This is Jan.
MAEBY FUNKE: I'll be honest, Jan. I like you. I like what I've heard--
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: This isn't Mr. Bluth. Who is this?
MAEBY FUNKE: --of you, and I like what you've done with what you've been given.
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: Who is this?
MAEBY FUNKE: Who I am is not important, Jan. What is important is what I need from you.
[three seconds of silence]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: George Bluth knows I owe him nothing.
MAEBY FUNKE: I've got a cooler full of evidence that says otherwise.
[eight seconds of silence]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: What do you need?
[END PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT.]
NARRATOR: Pleased that her plan had succeeded, Maeby explained the office documentary pitch to Jan and received a branch contact from her.
[TELEPHONE TRANSCRIPT. 10:17 a.m., Tuesday, June 24, 2003.]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 1: Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, how may I help you?
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, hi, this is Maeby Funke with Tantamount Studios. I've just spoken with Jan Levinson-Gould, and--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 1: I see. I'll put you through.
MAEBY FUNKE: Okay, thanks.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Hello? Hello, Jell-O! Yes, how may I help you?
MAEBY FUNKE: Hi, this is Maeby Funke with Tantamount.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Well, hello there! Maeby! What the Funke, huh? Maeby, maybe not, am I right? Up top!
[two seconds of silence]
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, you can't high-five over the phone.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Ha ha, right you are! We got a smart one here! Hey, hey guys! Hey, Pam! We got a smart one! Oh, Funke, right? Oh, Funke. Ha ha! So what can I do you for? Maybe?
MAEBY FUNKE: I've just spoken with Jan Levinson-Gould. Your boss. Um, you know that. My studio is filming a...documentary on office protocol, and she directed us to your branch. We'd like permission to film in your office for a few months.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: A documentary?
MAEBY FUNKE: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Like that super-size Fahrenheit Garden State stuff?
MAEBY FUNKE: Yeah. Well, mostly. Garden State was actually--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: [singing] "So let go, let goooo...."
MAEBY FUNKE: --not a documentary, that was more of an independent--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: [singing] "'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown!"
MAEBY FUNKE: That wasn't a documentary.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: What?
MAEBY FUNKE: Garden State wasn't a documentary, it was an independent coming-of-age film. It appealed to the aesthetics of an older audience while resonating with contemporary youth culture.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: That doctor guy was in it.
MAEBY FUNKE: Zach Braff.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Yeah, the doctor.
MAEBY FUNKE: He's not a real doctor.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Hey, whoa there! What the Funke, Funke? Bursting the bubble! Taking down the third--the fourth--the wall! Taking down the wall!
MAEBY FUNKE: Zach Braff. You're talking about Zach Braff. He's an actor. Well, and writer/director with a unique voice that speaks to--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Well, I'm not the one who makes the documentaries. Although, actually, now I am! I'm like, the documentary-maker, right? The documentary-maker. People will be watching me! People will be watching me, right?
[two seconds of silence]
MAEBY FUNKE: I hope so!
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I read in a magazine that Zach Braff once dated two girls at the same time. Because he's a doctor.
MAEBY FUNKE: He's not a doctor.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I saw him wearing the doctor clothes.
MAEBY FUNKE: Scrubs. They're called scrubs. That's the name of his sitcom.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Yeah, that's the one! See, you know! Yeah, he's a good doctor. I wish he were my doctor. My doctor's an idiot, all "oh, you shouldn't just drink whatever falls into the blender!" Like, hello, what kind of parties has he been to? Obviously lame ones! Lame! Lame, lame lame. Lame doctor-man.
MAEBY FUNKE: ...So I've got permission to film in your branch?
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: You certainly do. I read that Zach Braff once took two women on the same date.
MAEBY FUNKE: Thank you. Um, some of my people will be over early next week to discuss the details and schedule with you. And there's some paperwork, but you don't have to read that.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Never do! Hey, you know who wouldn't let you film in his office? My lame doctor, that's who.
MAEBY FUNKE: Great.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Does Zach Braff ever come to the filmings?
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, yes! Of course! Yes, he does.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I heard he once had sex with two women at the same time.
[call terminated.]
[END TRANSCRIPT.]
NARRATOR: The office documentary series was moderately successful, despite cries that it was more simplistic, with none of the complex plots and characters of the Wee British original.
[shot: newspaper review page. Headline: "US NOT UP TO WEE IN OFFICE"]
NARRATOR: Despite this criticism, after its first season it was nominated for Best Documentary Series in the Marginalized Emmys, or Memmys. The awards ceremony is held two days before the real Emmys in the same auditorium, and functions as a sort of tech run for the live show. Also, the same guy tends to host every year.
[shot: Memmy Awards 2003. Techies are hoisting a giant statue into place as CARL WEATHERS reads the nominees for Best Minority Death Scene. A shout, and blackout.]
TECHIE: Got to get that fixed before the real show on Sunday.
[shot: MAEBY and JAN LEVINSON-GOULD at a small table at Skip Church's.]
NARRATOR: Tantamount Studios flew the entire branch to L.A. for the weekend of the ceremony.
[pan out to reveal the nest table: MICHAEL SCOTT attacking Skip's Scramble and talking with his mouth full; DWIGHT SCHRUTE and ANGELA MARTIN staring at him with respective awe and disgust, JIM HALPERT unscrewing DWIGHT's salt shaker and pretending not to notice PAM BEESLY stealing his bacon to put on her pancakes; RYAN HOWARD quietly tucking in ham and eggs at the far end of the table while KELLY KAPOOR cuts his toast into a heart shape and smears strawberry jam on it; OSCAR MARTINEZ and KEVIN MALONE arguing over the bill; MEREDITH PALMER with no plate and a row of empty mimosa glasses before her; PHYLLIS LAPINE and STANLEY HUDSON comparing silverware; CREED BRATTON asking the waiter for "more bacon" and "as many doggie bags as [he] can carry".]
NARRATOR: It was the first time since the 2003 Dundies that the Scranton branch had a company outing on someone else's dime. It showed.
[pan back in to MAEBY and JAN]
JAN: Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on the nomination! And thanks again for flying us all out here and putting us up.
[o.s. crash sound]
MICHAEL [o.s.]: See, I told you! Ha ha! You have to concentrate your mind, and only then will the forks balance.
JAN: ...with us. Putting up with us.
MAEBY: Not at all. And hey, thanks to you, too! Couldn't have done it without you.
JAN: You're too kind. Everyone here at corporate is thrilled.
MAEBY: As well they should be!
[both smile, sip drinks: MAEBY's appears to be orange juice while JAN's is clear and carbonated. Either could be alcoholic.]
MAEBY: I... have a question for you, actually.
JAN: Shoot.
MAEBY: On a kind of personal note.
JAN: ...Yes?
MAEBY: I mean, I'm young. Ish. Youngish. And maybe I just don't get how these things work yet. I've read a lot of scripts, and hung out a few times with La Lohan, but there's a lot I don't get yet, and, um, my question is... [leaning in] Michael? Really?
JAN: [sighs, drinks again]
MAEBY: I mean, Jim I could see. I could totally see Jim. Even Ryan. But...Michael? Really?
JAN: [has drained glass] The thing is, Maeby, you'll start to see when you're older... You're in the movie industry. I'm in the paper industry. You produce entertainment that makes people feel good. I produce...paper. Real life isn't like the things that you do.
MAEBY: Okay, I get that. But...
JAN: I know, Michael, really. It's complicated. Just think about how...not everybody gets a happy ending, you know? [looks at left hand] Even when you think you have one. Things don't just work out.
NARRATOR: Maeby had never heard anyone speak so honestly about relationships before. Actually, she had never heard anybody speak honestly about relationships before at all.
MAEBY: You seem happy, though.
JAN: Pfuh. Yeah.
MAEBY: I mean, with your work! You're successful, and look! You're practically Emmy-nominated for being a great boss!
JAN: ...I guess you're right. Hey, if we win and I score a promotion, I might never have to deal with the Scranton branch again!
[pan out: MICHAEL SCOTT is making his fried eggs talk to DWIGHT, who is trying to respond in kind but laughing too hard. JIM and PAM are stealthily filling DWIGHT's coffee with condiments. ANGELA sits rigidly, glaring at MEREDITH, who is having difficulty pronouncing "orange" to STANLEY, who is wiping his mouth. PHYLLIS is kindly asking the waiter whether they find their refrigeration adequate. KEVIN is arranging his leftover bacon and eggs in the shape of a penis and giggling. OSCAR is looking wistfully out the window. RYAN is holding a forkful of fruit puree toward KELLY and trying not to look as she leans in to lick it. CREED is nowhere to be found. Nor is his folding chair.]
[pan back in on MAEBY and JAN]
MAEBY: Yeah. Good luck. I mean it.
[JAN rests her head on her hand.]
[fade to white]
[fade from white]
NARRATOR: After brunch, Maeby left the Scranton crew to get dressed for the awards show. Meanwhile, her uncle Michael -- who wasn't actually related to her -- left her cousin George-Michael -- who really wasn't her cousin -- and took her grandfather George Sr. back to the model home. [pause] George Sr. was not actually her grandfather, but the model home was exactly that.
[scene: MICHAEL and GEORGE SR. entering model home.]
NARRATOR: Yes, upon realizing that George Sr. was on board the yacht bound for Cabo, Michael made an executive decision and sailed back to Orange County.
[shot: GEORGE SR. and MICHAEL arguing on the yacht deck. GEORGE-MICHAEL steers.]
GEORGE SR.: [in black Speedo and sunglasses] Pop-Pop gets an island hideaway?
MICHAEL: No, Pop-Pop does not get an island hideaway. Pop-Pop gets to go back home and live with the rest of his family, where he belongs, and never speak to me or my son ever again. What are you hiding from, anyway? You've been cleared of all charges!
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Yeah, I was kind of wondering that, too.
GEORGE SR.: [shrugs] Force of habit.
[shot: back inside model home.]
MICHAEL: Now you stay here if you don't want to deal with Mom, but you are not giving my son and I any more trouble. We are heading straight back out to Cabo this afternoon, and you're staying here. There's too much that you've done that's...
[MAEBY appears in one of Lindsay's black evening gowns at the top of the stairs. Its neckline suggests it is from the "open marriage" phase of Lindsay and Tobias' relationship.]
MAEBY: Pop-Pop? Uncle Michael?
MICHAEL: ...just not right.
GEORGE SR: I'll say.
NARRATOR: And suddenly both Michael and his father found themselves extremely attracted to their not-biological niece. It was weird.
MAEBY: What are you doing here?
MICHAEL: I just came to drop off Dad. What are you doing?
MAEBY: Oh, it's just this...awards show thing. [tugs at hem of dress] If you're back, is George-Michael around?
MICHAEL: No, I left him on the boat.
[shot: GEORGE-MICHAEL sunbathing on deck. Timer rings. GEORGE-MICHAEL turns over.]
MAEBY: That's a relief. Not that I don't want to see him! It's just that things are a little awkward now.
MICHAEL: I understand.
MAEBY: I don't think you do.
MICHAEL: No, no, I get it! George-Michael's a good kid, but he's still got a long way to go. You, though, you...'ve grown up. Wow, have you grown up!
GEORGE SR.: Easy there, tiger.
MICHAEL: Shut up, Dad.
MAEBY: Wow, thanks, Uncle Michael! [hugs him]
MICHAEL: Not really your uncle! [doesn't disengage]
MAEBY: Okay. Well -- okay. Okay! I'm gonna go get my hair done. You guys have fun avoiding prosecution for light treason.
GEORGE SR.: Always do!
[MICHAEL waves; MAEBY leaves. MICHAEL and GEORGE SR. look at each other. Sounds of car engine, crashing from outside]
GEORGE SR.: Can she even drive?
MICHAEL: "Easy there, tiger"? You should be ashamed of yourself!
GEORGE SR.: Speak for yourself, Gropey McHandsalot.
MICHAEL: Oh, that is ridic--
[MICHAEL's mobile rings]
MICHAEL: Hello, Michael Bluth. [listens] Well, hello! I haven't talked to you in years! [listens] Why are you in town? [listens] Well, congratulations! [listens] Sure, I've got the afternoon off. I'd love to catch up-- well, we can see what happens. [listens] Okay, sure. [listens] I don't think that'll be necessary. [listens] Okay, I'll see you there. [hangs up.]
GEORGE SR.: Who was that? Another underage girl for you to ogle?
MICHAEL: Speak for yourself; that was my old college roommate.
GEORGE SR.: Well, I respect your choices, son. Unless you choose homosexual. That's the wrong one.
NARRATOR: Michael left his father at the model home and went to meet his old roommate, who was in town for the weekend. There was no question of homosexual tension at all. When you see him, you'll know what I mean.
[shot: MICHAEL BLUTH sitting on a bench near the beach]
DWIGHT SCHRUTE: [appearing suddenly behind him] Don't turn around. Act normal.
MICHAEL: [turning around] Hey, Dwight!
DWIGHT: I said don't-- dammit, now you've blown our cover.
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight. So, how's life in Scranton treating you?
DWIGHT: Adequately. Why? Do you know something I don't? Am I going to have to move? [sotto voce] Am I about to be promoted?
MICHAEL: No, no, just asking.
DWIGHT: Oh.
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight.
DWIGHT: So you believe. [pause.] So. Your normal little California rich boy life.
MICHAEL: ...Yes?
DWIGHT: How's that girl from third floor?
MICHAEL: Her name was Tracy, she was my wife -- you were at the wedding -- and she, um, she died. Several years ago.
DWIGHT: She looked weak to me.
MICHAEL: You mentioned that in your toast.
DWIGHT: You were my friend. I tried to warn you.
MICHAEL: ...Well, I just came to say congratulations on your show's nomination, and, um, I'm really pulling for you guys tonight. I hope the ceremony's a good one!
DWIGHT: You're not coming? Excellent plan. Not arousing suspicion at our connection.
MICHAEL: Thanks for the thought, but I wasn't invited.
DWIGHT: [draws self up] I see!
MICHAEL: Well, it was good to see you!
DWIGHT: And you as well. Goodbye, Michael Bluth. [looks in all directions; walks to crosswalk without looking back. Pushes WALK button. No cars in sight. Waits at corner.]
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight.
NARRATOR: However, Dwight's paranoid condescension reminded Michael of their old college rivalry, and ignited in him a desire to attend the Memmys that night.
MICHAEL: He hasn't even been on Scandalmakers. He knows nothing about being the subject of a documentary!
NARRATOR: He decided to track down Maeby, wanting both to show up Dwight that evening and see her in that black dress again.
[shot: MICHAEL BLUTH rifling through Maeby's datebook]
MICHAEL: Hair appointment....
NARRATOR: Like I said, weird.
[shot: MICHAEL hailing a cab]
NARRATOR: He caught up to her as she emerged from the studio hairdressers on Sunset Boulevard.
[shot: MICHAEL leaping from taxi and encountering MAEBY, who is now in full-on Memmys mode]
MICHAEL: Maeby! I, uh, hi.
MAEBY: Uncle Michael!
MICHAEL: Not your real uncle.
MAEBY: How could I forget?
[BOTH laugh; MICHAEL longer and louder than necessary]
MICHAEL: Right, right! So, I was wondering. A big event like this, a big publicity studio event, it just doesn't seem right that you're going without a date. You don't have a date, do you?
MAEBY: No. I was actually planning on sitting on the aisle and drinking too much from the champagne bar.
MICHAEL: And who do you think is going to carry your purse back to the limo when you've dropped it at the Variety afterparty?
MAEBY: [thoughtfully] La Lohan is a notorious handbag-stealer.
MICHAEL: Exactly. You need someone to look after you. Someone with experience. Someone like--
MAEBY: Pop-Pop?
MICHAEL: I was thinking a little less old, but better to overshoot than undershoot, I guess--
MAEBY: No, Pop-Pop! He's right there, across the street!
[shot: GEORGE SR. darting from the Virgin Records megastore]
MICHAEL: Oh, for the love of.
[fade to white]
[fade from white]
NARRATOR: George Bluth had fallen back on his legal fugitive instincts and escaped from the model home as soon as Michael left.
[shot: MICHAEL and MAEBY chasing GEORGE SR. down Sunset Blvd.]
GEORGE SR.: [shout] They'll never catch me!
MICHAEL: [shout] They're not trying!
MAEBY: [shout] What are we even chasing him for?
[MICHAEL stops, catches his breath. GEORGE SR. continues running -- at this point, stumbling. MAEBY stands, hands on hips.]
MAEBY: Look, if you guys wanted to come to the Memmys that badly, you could just have asked!
MICHAEL: Really?
[GEORGE SR. swings wide and makes a U-turn, coming back to the two of them]
GEORGE SR.: Really?
MAEBY: Why not? We each get to bring a plus-one, and one of the PAs is using the off-weekend to visit his kids, so I've got three extra tickets.
[shot: GEORGE-MICHAEL on the yacht, sunbathing. Timer rings.]
MICHAEL: [simultaneously] I'm free! Let's go right now!
GEORGE SR.: [simultaneously] Sure! Can't think of anyone else worth taking!
MAEBY: Well, then, what the hell are you doing running around like retards?
[beat.]
MICHAEL: So, the limo will pick us all up?
GEORGE SR.: It'll never catch me! [takes off running again]
MAEBY: I don't think he gets it.
MICHAEL: Give him time. It'll come.
[limousine pulls up]
MAEBY: [running] Pop-Pop!
MICHAEL: Give him tiiiime....
MAEBY: [running] Are you coming or not? [stumbles, falls]
MICHAEL: Oh, my God! Are you all right?
MAEBY: [on sidewalk] My stupid shoe just broke.
MICHAEL: Well, that's what happens when horrible felonious treasonous grandparents decide to just take off. We don't need them anyway, do we?
MAEBY: He was sort of responsible for--
MICHAEL: No. Exactly.
MAEBY: [looking after GEORGE SR.] I guess that's the Bluth way, isn't it?
MICHAEL: Yeah, but not in a horrible loveless way, in a rakish, devil-may-care way!
MAEBY: [stands, checks hair] Gooooood point. [leans on Michael to walk to taxi rank] You always know just what to say, Uncle Michael.
MICHAEL: [hands on her waist and back] Not your real uncle.
NARRATOR: I guess it's not really any weirder than the cousin thing.
MICHAEL: So, did you borrow that dress from your mom or your dad?
NARRATOR: Except that it really, really is.
[scene: MICHAEL and MAEBY coming out of limo on red carpet]
NARRATOR: They arrived at the Memmys just as Maeby's documentary cast was posing on the red carpet.
[ALL Scranton branch workers stand on red carpet. Most smile nervously as the cameramen instruct them to link arms. MICHAEL SCOTT leaps out of limo and breaks into the posed group.]
MICHAEL SCOTT: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here! You can start taking the pictures now! Ask me anything, anything you like!
[DWIGHT gets out of limo, immediately clips tinted covers onto his glasses and ducks his face into his suit jacket. He dashes for the auditorium.]
MICHAEL BLUTH: [to MAEBY] He's got a thing about not being photographed.
MAEBY: I know. Wait, how do you know Dwight?
NARRATOR: It was one of many questions about his college years that Michael wasn't prepared to answer.
MICHAEL BLUTH: So, how about that champagne bar?
NARRATOR: And by the time the awards ceremony actually started, Michael and Maeby had consumed twice their recommended daily alcohol intake. This made them the second-most-drunk pair present that evening.
[shot: CREED and MEREDITH in their seats, playing air guitar at one another]
NARRATOR: And soon, it was time for the Best Serial Documentary award to be presented.
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] It's just, the thing is, love. Love is what brings people together and makes, you know, happy endings. That's why everyone likes your show. Because there's love.
CARL WEATHERS: [onstage] Significant competition this year, from the traditional heavyweights and a fresh new voice....
MAEBY: [sotto voce] You think there's love? I always thought it was more of a quirky, offbeat take on a middle-class lifestyle that a lot of people can relate to.
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] Yeah, but also, there's love.
MAEBY: [sotto voce] I don't know--
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] And the other thing is, love. There's a lot of love. Look at Jim and Pam.
[shot: behind the heads of JIM HALPERT and PAM BEESLY leaning toward one another, nearly touching. PAM is quietly tearing her program into strips, rolling them up, and passing them to JIM.]
MAEBY: A lot of our feedback did indicate that viewers enjoyed--
MICHAEL BLUTH: Because of the love!
CARL WEATHERS: [on stage] ...The Office!
[Applause, pandemonium from the Scranton branch. JAN fist-pumps victory. MICHAEL SCOTT sprints onstage and commandeers mic immediately. CREED grabs award and stashes it in jacket. In audience, MICHAEL BLUTH and MAEBY embrace.]
MICHAEL BLUTH: You did it! You did it! You won because of the love!
[pan to stage, where all fall silent, staring at place where MICHAEL BLUTH and MAEBY are sitting. Applause dies down.]
[fade into talking-head interview with JIM HALPERT]
JIM HALPERT: Did I enjoy the weird cross-generation makeout session in row five? [beat.] Of course! Really, what's not to love? It was a close match between that and Dwight going up to the stage with like twelve spitballs in his hair, but I think, I think my producer with her hand down her uncle's shirt is my favorite image of that night.
[the cameraman speaks]
JIM HALPERT: He's not her real uncle? Oh. Yeah, that does kind of change things. I mean, still weird. But not so weird it wasn't hot.
[o.s. laughing; pan out to reveal PAM BEESLY sitting beside him]
JIM: [to PAM] What? You think weird isn't hot?
PAM: [laughing] You must love Dwight so much.
JIM: I do. [to camera] He is my soulmate.
PAM: No wonder you asked for a transfer back to Scranton.
JIM: [to PAM] Dwight...how could I live without you? I need you!
PAM: [as Dwight] Jim. You saw what happened to Oscar. Our love can never be!
JIM: [to PAM, leaning in] Ssssh. Just let me know the soft touch of your lips, Dwight. Let me have this memory. To carry with me. For always.
PAM: [as Dwight] But -- no one can know--
[JIM kisses her.]
PAM: [giggling, breaking away, as Dwight] Jim, we're--
[JIM holds her face and kisses her again.]
[fade to black.]
Pairing: Michael/Maeby, Pam/Jim
Summary/notes: Written for annakovsky for the 2006 sitcomathon. Who decided to film in Scranton, anyway? And why? And as long as the studio's paying, can Creed have more bacon?
"Mockumentary"
NARRATOR: When she returned to work after the last yacht incident, Maeby found herself flooded with new material.
[INT STUDIO: HALLWAY. MAEBY unlocks the door to her office, opens it; tapes spill out into hallway.]
NARRATOR: Tantamount Studios had just acquired George Clooney Watches The News, Inc., an independent company dedicated to producing small-market documentaries and independent films. Previous releases included the "Girls With Low Self-Esteem" series, "Caged Wisdom: Musings From Prison", and the surprisingly successful magical documentary "Tricks Around The Office", which found a huge market on university campuses thanks to exposure on YouTube.
[INT STUDIO: OFFICE. MAEBY and HEAD EXEC in a meeting. Posters of GOB cover the walls: dropping a dead dove, setting his cards on fire with the lighter fluid in his sleeve, tripping himself on his scarf]
HEAD EXEC: These office tapes are flying off the shelves! We need to hit this trend while it's hot. Have you looked at the tapes I left you?
MAEBY: ...Of course!
[shot: STUDIO HALLWAY, tapes spilling out of MAEBY'S OFFICE as she opens door]
HEAD EXEC: Fantastic. What'd you think about that documentary out of Wee Britain?
MAEBY: I...loved it?
HEAD EXEC: I'm glad to hear you say that, 'cause we're remaking it.
MAEBY: Great! Good for us. Cheers, Wee Britain, there's a good chap!
HEAD EXEC: And you're producing it.
MAEBY: Documentary, did you say?
HEAD EXEC: The WBAFTAs went nuts over it.
MAEBY: Right. Office documentary. Remake. Got it.
NARRATOR: The Bluth Company's story had enough twists, turns, comical mishaps and pop-culture references to make a brilliant series documentary of its own, one that might end up lasting two and a half seasons on a major American network before being brought down by terrible advertising and the .3 second attention span of most Nielsen households. But Maeby could not capitalize on this, remembering her uncle's warnings never to speak of the family's legal troubles.
[shot: MICHAEL briefing the family in the model home living room]
MICHAEL: Anything we say can and most likely will be used against us, so we have to be extra careful not to mention the case to manicurists, maids, hairdressers...Buster, you know those grapes aren't real, buddy?
[TOBIAS raises his hand.]
TOBIAS: What about acting coaches?
MICHAEL: No. Nobody but immediate family.
[shot: MAEBY and STEVE HOLT! in the school cafeteria]
MAEBY: And so then Mom was all, "Wait, what do you mean we can't stay in the hotel any more?" and she was pretty upset so that was kind of funny, but then my dad lost his license and just hung around the house all the time, and Gange kept coming around asking for money, like, you're old! Don't you have all the money? [pause for breath] I'm so glad I can finally talk to somebody about this.
STEVE HOLT!: Yeah. What else are cousins for, right?
MAEBY: Right!
[Beat. Both look away and exhale unhappily.]
[INT STUDIO: MAEBY'S OFFICE. Maeby rocking back and forth on office chair, chewing on pen.]
NARRATOR: Although she couldn't look to the Bluth Company for inspiration, Maeby used her family's business connections to get what she needed.
[MAEBY picks up her office phone and dials.]
NARRATOR: At this point, it was practically a family tradition.
MAEBY: Pop-Pop? What's the name of that woman you were telling George-Michael and me about at Gange's last birthday?
[PARTIAL TELEPHONE TRANSCIPT. 1:53 p.m., Monday, June 23, 2003]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Hello, Dunder-Mifflin corporate offices, how may I direct your call?
MAEBY FUNKE: Jan Levinson-Gould, please.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: I'm sorry, Ms. Levinson-Gould is in a meeting for the rest of the afternoon. May I take a message?
MAEBY FUNKE: Tell her George Bluth is calling in the favor she owes him.
[twelve seconds of silence]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: She'll be right with you.
[nineteen seconds of hold music: "I Saved The World Today", the Eurythmics.]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: This is Jan.
MAEBY FUNKE: I'll be honest, Jan. I like you. I like what I've heard--
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: This isn't Mr. Bluth. Who is this?
MAEBY FUNKE: --of you, and I like what you've done with what you've been given.
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: Who is this?
MAEBY FUNKE: Who I am is not important, Jan. What is important is what I need from you.
[three seconds of silence]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: George Bluth knows I owe him nothing.
MAEBY FUNKE: I've got a cooler full of evidence that says otherwise.
[eight seconds of silence]
JAN LEVINSON-GOULD: What do you need?
[END PARTIAL TRANSCRIPT.]
NARRATOR: Pleased that her plan had succeeded, Maeby explained the office documentary pitch to Jan and received a branch contact from her.
[TELEPHONE TRANSCRIPT. 10:17 a.m., Tuesday, June 24, 2003.]
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 1: Dunder-Mifflin Scranton, how may I help you?
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, hi, this is Maeby Funke with Tantamount Studios. I've just spoken with Jan Levinson-Gould, and--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 1: I see. I'll put you through.
MAEBY FUNKE: Okay, thanks.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Hello? Hello, Jell-O! Yes, how may I help you?
MAEBY FUNKE: Hi, this is Maeby Funke with Tantamount.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Well, hello there! Maeby! What the Funke, huh? Maeby, maybe not, am I right? Up top!
[two seconds of silence]
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, you can't high-five over the phone.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Ha ha, right you are! We got a smart one here! Hey, hey guys! Hey, Pam! We got a smart one! Oh, Funke, right? Oh, Funke. Ha ha! So what can I do you for? Maybe?
MAEBY FUNKE: I've just spoken with Jan Levinson-Gould. Your boss. Um, you know that. My studio is filming a...documentary on office protocol, and she directed us to your branch. We'd like permission to film in your office for a few months.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: A documentary?
MAEBY FUNKE: Yes.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Like that super-size Fahrenheit Garden State stuff?
MAEBY FUNKE: Yeah. Well, mostly. Garden State was actually--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: [singing] "So let go, let goooo...."
MAEBY FUNKE: --not a documentary, that was more of an independent--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: [singing] "'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown!"
MAEBY FUNKE: That wasn't a documentary.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: What?
MAEBY FUNKE: Garden State wasn't a documentary, it was an independent coming-of-age film. It appealed to the aesthetics of an older audience while resonating with contemporary youth culture.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: That doctor guy was in it.
MAEBY FUNKE: Zach Braff.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Yeah, the doctor.
MAEBY FUNKE: He's not a real doctor.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Hey, whoa there! What the Funke, Funke? Bursting the bubble! Taking down the third--the fourth--the wall! Taking down the wall!
MAEBY FUNKE: Zach Braff. You're talking about Zach Braff. He's an actor. Well, and writer/director with a unique voice that speaks to--
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Well, I'm not the one who makes the documentaries. Although, actually, now I am! I'm like, the documentary-maker, right? The documentary-maker. People will be watching me! People will be watching me, right?
[two seconds of silence]
MAEBY FUNKE: I hope so!
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I read in a magazine that Zach Braff once dated two girls at the same time. Because he's a doctor.
MAEBY FUNKE: He's not a doctor.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I saw him wearing the doctor clothes.
MAEBY FUNKE: Scrubs. They're called scrubs. That's the name of his sitcom.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Yeah, that's the one! See, you know! Yeah, he's a good doctor. I wish he were my doctor. My doctor's an idiot, all "oh, you shouldn't just drink whatever falls into the blender!" Like, hello, what kind of parties has he been to? Obviously lame ones! Lame! Lame, lame lame. Lame doctor-man.
MAEBY FUNKE: ...So I've got permission to film in your branch?
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: You certainly do. I read that Zach Braff once took two women on the same date.
MAEBY FUNKE: Thank you. Um, some of my people will be over early next week to discuss the details and schedule with you. And there's some paperwork, but you don't have to read that.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Never do! Hey, you know who wouldn't let you film in his office? My lame doctor, that's who.
MAEBY FUNKE: Great.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: Does Zach Braff ever come to the filmings?
MAEBY FUNKE: Um, yes! Of course! Yes, he does.
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2: I heard he once had sex with two women at the same time.
[call terminated.]
[END TRANSCRIPT.]
NARRATOR: The office documentary series was moderately successful, despite cries that it was more simplistic, with none of the complex plots and characters of the Wee British original.
[shot: newspaper review page. Headline: "US NOT UP TO WEE IN OFFICE"]
NARRATOR: Despite this criticism, after its first season it was nominated for Best Documentary Series in the Marginalized Emmys, or Memmys. The awards ceremony is held two days before the real Emmys in the same auditorium, and functions as a sort of tech run for the live show. Also, the same guy tends to host every year.
[shot: Memmy Awards 2003. Techies are hoisting a giant statue into place as CARL WEATHERS reads the nominees for Best Minority Death Scene. A shout, and blackout.]
TECHIE: Got to get that fixed before the real show on Sunday.
[shot: MAEBY and JAN LEVINSON-GOULD at a small table at Skip Church's.]
NARRATOR: Tantamount Studios flew the entire branch to L.A. for the weekend of the ceremony.
[pan out to reveal the nest table: MICHAEL SCOTT attacking Skip's Scramble and talking with his mouth full; DWIGHT SCHRUTE and ANGELA MARTIN staring at him with respective awe and disgust, JIM HALPERT unscrewing DWIGHT's salt shaker and pretending not to notice PAM BEESLY stealing his bacon to put on her pancakes; RYAN HOWARD quietly tucking in ham and eggs at the far end of the table while KELLY KAPOOR cuts his toast into a heart shape and smears strawberry jam on it; OSCAR MARTINEZ and KEVIN MALONE arguing over the bill; MEREDITH PALMER with no plate and a row of empty mimosa glasses before her; PHYLLIS LAPINE and STANLEY HUDSON comparing silverware; CREED BRATTON asking the waiter for "more bacon" and "as many doggie bags as [he] can carry".]
NARRATOR: It was the first time since the 2003 Dundies that the Scranton branch had a company outing on someone else's dime. It showed.
[pan back in to MAEBY and JAN]
JAN: Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on the nomination! And thanks again for flying us all out here and putting us up.
[o.s. crash sound]
MICHAEL [o.s.]: See, I told you! Ha ha! You have to concentrate your mind, and only then will the forks balance.
JAN: ...with us. Putting up with us.
MAEBY: Not at all. And hey, thanks to you, too! Couldn't have done it without you.
JAN: You're too kind. Everyone here at corporate is thrilled.
MAEBY: As well they should be!
[both smile, sip drinks: MAEBY's appears to be orange juice while JAN's is clear and carbonated. Either could be alcoholic.]
MAEBY: I... have a question for you, actually.
JAN: Shoot.
MAEBY: On a kind of personal note.
JAN: ...Yes?
MAEBY: I mean, I'm young. Ish. Youngish. And maybe I just don't get how these things work yet. I've read a lot of scripts, and hung out a few times with La Lohan, but there's a lot I don't get yet, and, um, my question is... [leaning in] Michael? Really?
JAN: [sighs, drinks again]
MAEBY: I mean, Jim I could see. I could totally see Jim. Even Ryan. But...Michael? Really?
JAN: [has drained glass] The thing is, Maeby, you'll start to see when you're older... You're in the movie industry. I'm in the paper industry. You produce entertainment that makes people feel good. I produce...paper. Real life isn't like the things that you do.
MAEBY: Okay, I get that. But...
JAN: I know, Michael, really. It's complicated. Just think about how...not everybody gets a happy ending, you know? [looks at left hand] Even when you think you have one. Things don't just work out.
NARRATOR: Maeby had never heard anyone speak so honestly about relationships before. Actually, she had never heard anybody speak honestly about relationships before at all.
MAEBY: You seem happy, though.
JAN: Pfuh. Yeah.
MAEBY: I mean, with your work! You're successful, and look! You're practically Emmy-nominated for being a great boss!
JAN: ...I guess you're right. Hey, if we win and I score a promotion, I might never have to deal with the Scranton branch again!
[pan out: MICHAEL SCOTT is making his fried eggs talk to DWIGHT, who is trying to respond in kind but laughing too hard. JIM and PAM are stealthily filling DWIGHT's coffee with condiments. ANGELA sits rigidly, glaring at MEREDITH, who is having difficulty pronouncing "orange" to STANLEY, who is wiping his mouth. PHYLLIS is kindly asking the waiter whether they find their refrigeration adequate. KEVIN is arranging his leftover bacon and eggs in the shape of a penis and giggling. OSCAR is looking wistfully out the window. RYAN is holding a forkful of fruit puree toward KELLY and trying not to look as she leans in to lick it. CREED is nowhere to be found. Nor is his folding chair.]
[pan back in on MAEBY and JAN]
MAEBY: Yeah. Good luck. I mean it.
[JAN rests her head on her hand.]
[fade to white]
[fade from white]
NARRATOR: After brunch, Maeby left the Scranton crew to get dressed for the awards show. Meanwhile, her uncle Michael -- who wasn't actually related to her -- left her cousin George-Michael -- who really wasn't her cousin -- and took her grandfather George Sr. back to the model home. [pause] George Sr. was not actually her grandfather, but the model home was exactly that.
[scene: MICHAEL and GEORGE SR. entering model home.]
NARRATOR: Yes, upon realizing that George Sr. was on board the yacht bound for Cabo, Michael made an executive decision and sailed back to Orange County.
[shot: GEORGE SR. and MICHAEL arguing on the yacht deck. GEORGE-MICHAEL steers.]
GEORGE SR.: [in black Speedo and sunglasses] Pop-Pop gets an island hideaway?
MICHAEL: No, Pop-Pop does not get an island hideaway. Pop-Pop gets to go back home and live with the rest of his family, where he belongs, and never speak to me or my son ever again. What are you hiding from, anyway? You've been cleared of all charges!
GEORGE-MICHAEL: Yeah, I was kind of wondering that, too.
GEORGE SR.: [shrugs] Force of habit.
[shot: back inside model home.]
MICHAEL: Now you stay here if you don't want to deal with Mom, but you are not giving my son and I any more trouble. We are heading straight back out to Cabo this afternoon, and you're staying here. There's too much that you've done that's...
[MAEBY appears in one of Lindsay's black evening gowns at the top of the stairs. Its neckline suggests it is from the "open marriage" phase of Lindsay and Tobias' relationship.]
MAEBY: Pop-Pop? Uncle Michael?
MICHAEL: ...just not right.
GEORGE SR: I'll say.
NARRATOR: And suddenly both Michael and his father found themselves extremely attracted to their not-biological niece. It was weird.
MAEBY: What are you doing here?
MICHAEL: I just came to drop off Dad. What are you doing?
MAEBY: Oh, it's just this...awards show thing. [tugs at hem of dress] If you're back, is George-Michael around?
MICHAEL: No, I left him on the boat.
[shot: GEORGE-MICHAEL sunbathing on deck. Timer rings. GEORGE-MICHAEL turns over.]
MAEBY: That's a relief. Not that I don't want to see him! It's just that things are a little awkward now.
MICHAEL: I understand.
MAEBY: I don't think you do.
MICHAEL: No, no, I get it! George-Michael's a good kid, but he's still got a long way to go. You, though, you...'ve grown up. Wow, have you grown up!
GEORGE SR.: Easy there, tiger.
MICHAEL: Shut up, Dad.
MAEBY: Wow, thanks, Uncle Michael! [hugs him]
MICHAEL: Not really your uncle! [doesn't disengage]
MAEBY: Okay. Well -- okay. Okay! I'm gonna go get my hair done. You guys have fun avoiding prosecution for light treason.
GEORGE SR.: Always do!
[MICHAEL waves; MAEBY leaves. MICHAEL and GEORGE SR. look at each other. Sounds of car engine, crashing from outside]
GEORGE SR.: Can she even drive?
MICHAEL: "Easy there, tiger"? You should be ashamed of yourself!
GEORGE SR.: Speak for yourself, Gropey McHandsalot.
MICHAEL: Oh, that is ridic--
[MICHAEL's mobile rings]
MICHAEL: Hello, Michael Bluth. [listens] Well, hello! I haven't talked to you in years! [listens] Why are you in town? [listens] Well, congratulations! [listens] Sure, I've got the afternoon off. I'd love to catch up-- well, we can see what happens. [listens] Okay, sure. [listens] I don't think that'll be necessary. [listens] Okay, I'll see you there. [hangs up.]
GEORGE SR.: Who was that? Another underage girl for you to ogle?
MICHAEL: Speak for yourself; that was my old college roommate.
GEORGE SR.: Well, I respect your choices, son. Unless you choose homosexual. That's the wrong one.
NARRATOR: Michael left his father at the model home and went to meet his old roommate, who was in town for the weekend. There was no question of homosexual tension at all. When you see him, you'll know what I mean.
[shot: MICHAEL BLUTH sitting on a bench near the beach]
DWIGHT SCHRUTE: [appearing suddenly behind him] Don't turn around. Act normal.
MICHAEL: [turning around] Hey, Dwight!
DWIGHT: I said don't-- dammit, now you've blown our cover.
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight. So, how's life in Scranton treating you?
DWIGHT: Adequately. Why? Do you know something I don't? Am I going to have to move? [sotto voce] Am I about to be promoted?
MICHAEL: No, no, just asking.
DWIGHT: Oh.
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight.
DWIGHT: So you believe. [pause.] So. Your normal little California rich boy life.
MICHAEL: ...Yes?
DWIGHT: How's that girl from third floor?
MICHAEL: Her name was Tracy, she was my wife -- you were at the wedding -- and she, um, she died. Several years ago.
DWIGHT: She looked weak to me.
MICHAEL: You mentioned that in your toast.
DWIGHT: You were my friend. I tried to warn you.
MICHAEL: ...Well, I just came to say congratulations on your show's nomination, and, um, I'm really pulling for you guys tonight. I hope the ceremony's a good one!
DWIGHT: You're not coming? Excellent plan. Not arousing suspicion at our connection.
MICHAEL: Thanks for the thought, but I wasn't invited.
DWIGHT: [draws self up] I see!
MICHAEL: Well, it was good to see you!
DWIGHT: And you as well. Goodbye, Michael Bluth. [looks in all directions; walks to crosswalk without looking back. Pushes WALK button. No cars in sight. Waits at corner.]
MICHAEL: Same old Dwight.
NARRATOR: However, Dwight's paranoid condescension reminded Michael of their old college rivalry, and ignited in him a desire to attend the Memmys that night.
MICHAEL: He hasn't even been on Scandalmakers. He knows nothing about being the subject of a documentary!
NARRATOR: He decided to track down Maeby, wanting both to show up Dwight that evening and see her in that black dress again.
[shot: MICHAEL BLUTH rifling through Maeby's datebook]
MICHAEL: Hair appointment....
NARRATOR: Like I said, weird.
[shot: MICHAEL hailing a cab]
NARRATOR: He caught up to her as she emerged from the studio hairdressers on Sunset Boulevard.
[shot: MICHAEL leaping from taxi and encountering MAEBY, who is now in full-on Memmys mode]
MICHAEL: Maeby! I, uh, hi.
MAEBY: Uncle Michael!
MICHAEL: Not your real uncle.
MAEBY: How could I forget?
[BOTH laugh; MICHAEL longer and louder than necessary]
MICHAEL: Right, right! So, I was wondering. A big event like this, a big publicity studio event, it just doesn't seem right that you're going without a date. You don't have a date, do you?
MAEBY: No. I was actually planning on sitting on the aisle and drinking too much from the champagne bar.
MICHAEL: And who do you think is going to carry your purse back to the limo when you've dropped it at the Variety afterparty?
MAEBY: [thoughtfully] La Lohan is a notorious handbag-stealer.
MICHAEL: Exactly. You need someone to look after you. Someone with experience. Someone like--
MAEBY: Pop-Pop?
MICHAEL: I was thinking a little less old, but better to overshoot than undershoot, I guess--
MAEBY: No, Pop-Pop! He's right there, across the street!
[shot: GEORGE SR. darting from the Virgin Records megastore]
MICHAEL: Oh, for the love of.
[fade to white]
[fade from white]
NARRATOR: George Bluth had fallen back on his legal fugitive instincts and escaped from the model home as soon as Michael left.
[shot: MICHAEL and MAEBY chasing GEORGE SR. down Sunset Blvd.]
GEORGE SR.: [shout] They'll never catch me!
MICHAEL: [shout] They're not trying!
MAEBY: [shout] What are we even chasing him for?
[MICHAEL stops, catches his breath. GEORGE SR. continues running -- at this point, stumbling. MAEBY stands, hands on hips.]
MAEBY: Look, if you guys wanted to come to the Memmys that badly, you could just have asked!
MICHAEL: Really?
[GEORGE SR. swings wide and makes a U-turn, coming back to the two of them]
GEORGE SR.: Really?
MAEBY: Why not? We each get to bring a plus-one, and one of the PAs is using the off-weekend to visit his kids, so I've got three extra tickets.
[shot: GEORGE-MICHAEL on the yacht, sunbathing. Timer rings.]
MICHAEL: [simultaneously] I'm free! Let's go right now!
GEORGE SR.: [simultaneously] Sure! Can't think of anyone else worth taking!
MAEBY: Well, then, what the hell are you doing running around like retards?
[beat.]
MICHAEL: So, the limo will pick us all up?
GEORGE SR.: It'll never catch me! [takes off running again]
MAEBY: I don't think he gets it.
MICHAEL: Give him time. It'll come.
[limousine pulls up]
MAEBY: [running] Pop-Pop!
MICHAEL: Give him tiiiime....
MAEBY: [running] Are you coming or not? [stumbles, falls]
MICHAEL: Oh, my God! Are you all right?
MAEBY: [on sidewalk] My stupid shoe just broke.
MICHAEL: Well, that's what happens when horrible felonious treasonous grandparents decide to just take off. We don't need them anyway, do we?
MAEBY: He was sort of responsible for--
MICHAEL: No. Exactly.
MAEBY: [looking after GEORGE SR.] I guess that's the Bluth way, isn't it?
MICHAEL: Yeah, but not in a horrible loveless way, in a rakish, devil-may-care way!
MAEBY: [stands, checks hair] Gooooood point. [leans on Michael to walk to taxi rank] You always know just what to say, Uncle Michael.
MICHAEL: [hands on her waist and back] Not your real uncle.
NARRATOR: I guess it's not really any weirder than the cousin thing.
MICHAEL: So, did you borrow that dress from your mom or your dad?
NARRATOR: Except that it really, really is.
[scene: MICHAEL and MAEBY coming out of limo on red carpet]
NARRATOR: They arrived at the Memmys just as Maeby's documentary cast was posing on the red carpet.
[ALL Scranton branch workers stand on red carpet. Most smile nervously as the cameramen instruct them to link arms. MICHAEL SCOTT leaps out of limo and breaks into the posed group.]
MICHAEL SCOTT: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here! You can start taking the pictures now! Ask me anything, anything you like!
[DWIGHT gets out of limo, immediately clips tinted covers onto his glasses and ducks his face into his suit jacket. He dashes for the auditorium.]
MICHAEL BLUTH: [to MAEBY] He's got a thing about not being photographed.
MAEBY: I know. Wait, how do you know Dwight?
NARRATOR: It was one of many questions about his college years that Michael wasn't prepared to answer.
MICHAEL BLUTH: So, how about that champagne bar?
NARRATOR: And by the time the awards ceremony actually started, Michael and Maeby had consumed twice their recommended daily alcohol intake. This made them the second-most-drunk pair present that evening.
[shot: CREED and MEREDITH in their seats, playing air guitar at one another]
NARRATOR: And soon, it was time for the Best Serial Documentary award to be presented.
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] It's just, the thing is, love. Love is what brings people together and makes, you know, happy endings. That's why everyone likes your show. Because there's love.
CARL WEATHERS: [onstage] Significant competition this year, from the traditional heavyweights and a fresh new voice....
MAEBY: [sotto voce] You think there's love? I always thought it was more of a quirky, offbeat take on a middle-class lifestyle that a lot of people can relate to.
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] Yeah, but also, there's love.
MAEBY: [sotto voce] I don't know--
MICHAEL BLUTH: [sotto voce] And the other thing is, love. There's a lot of love. Look at Jim and Pam.
[shot: behind the heads of JIM HALPERT and PAM BEESLY leaning toward one another, nearly touching. PAM is quietly tearing her program into strips, rolling them up, and passing them to JIM.]
MAEBY: A lot of our feedback did indicate that viewers enjoyed--
MICHAEL BLUTH: Because of the love!
CARL WEATHERS: [on stage] ...The Office!
[Applause, pandemonium from the Scranton branch. JAN fist-pumps victory. MICHAEL SCOTT sprints onstage and commandeers mic immediately. CREED grabs award and stashes it in jacket. In audience, MICHAEL BLUTH and MAEBY embrace.]
MICHAEL BLUTH: You did it! You did it! You won because of the love!
[pan to stage, where all fall silent, staring at place where MICHAEL BLUTH and MAEBY are sitting. Applause dies down.]
[fade into talking-head interview with JIM HALPERT]
JIM HALPERT: Did I enjoy the weird cross-generation makeout session in row five? [beat.] Of course! Really, what's not to love? It was a close match between that and Dwight going up to the stage with like twelve spitballs in his hair, but I think, I think my producer with her hand down her uncle's shirt is my favorite image of that night.
[the cameraman speaks]
JIM HALPERT: He's not her real uncle? Oh. Yeah, that does kind of change things. I mean, still weird. But not so weird it wasn't hot.
[o.s. laughing; pan out to reveal PAM BEESLY sitting beside him]
JIM: [to PAM] What? You think weird isn't hot?
PAM: [laughing] You must love Dwight so much.
JIM: I do. [to camera] He is my soulmate.
PAM: No wonder you asked for a transfer back to Scranton.
JIM: [to PAM] Dwight...how could I live without you? I need you!
PAM: [as Dwight] Jim. You saw what happened to Oscar. Our love can never be!
JIM: [to PAM, leaning in] Ssssh. Just let me know the soft touch of your lips, Dwight. Let me have this memory. To carry with me. For always.
PAM: [as Dwight] But -- no one can know--
[JIM kisses her.]
PAM: [giggling, breaking away, as Dwight] Jim, we're--
[JIM holds her face and kisses her again.]
[fade to black.]