Sleepless nights and the eternal dream
It's odd to be entirely awake at 5:30 in the morning, feeling slightly optimistic and hopeful about the world and fate and things. I hesitate to call this state of being "insomnia", as insomnia usually leaves one feeling grouchy and irritated. I feel... refreshed and awake somehow, as if waking from a long sleep rather than merely rising from an hour spent laying awake in thought about the past, the present, and the future.
I usually consider myself somewhat of a skeptic towards the concept of "fate", and yet time and again things seem to move in a way that can only be chalked up to the concept. Certainly we control our destinies; yet, it seems that our natural desires and talents will move us toward certain goals and ideals. Rallying against our internal strengths seems to merely lead toward aggravation and suffering. Beyond that, nature has a strange way of getting us back on the proper paths that we have shunned for so long.
I am a child of nature, and a writer. The real and surreal and amazing and wonderful and mystical and magical world around us is my playground and that which gives me strength. Being detached from it, from the very lifeblood of my being, leads to depression and endless circular internal arguments over the meaning of life and self. Reconnecting with it leads to internal peace and more open-minded thought about the way things are. I really need to stop fighting the flow and follow the path that destiny is leading me to. It may not fit in with society or the desires of family or friends, but it will fit in with myself. And being thus, I will be able to move forward and get out of the fog that has surrounded my worldview for so many years.
The leaves are starting to turn and fall and the season of autumn is beginning. Somehow, as the world prepares for rest, my energies flow to a maximum. There is never a better time to make positive change for myself than in the fall. Now is that time. As the harvest season approaches, as the chill enters the air, as the smells of pumpkin and cinnamon fill the air, I will try my damnedest to regain those pieces of my soul that I have scattered to the winds.
I was once prepared for anything. I was once excited about new opportunities; about learning and the endless possibilities the future had in store. I was once happy-go-lucky, yet thoughtful and patiently reserved. I was once hyper and easily amused by silly trifles. I was once a fearless leader and a creative visionary. It's time to become all those things... myself... again.
It's time to stop fighting that which is not an enemy. One must choose one's battles wisely, and rallying against everything will only weaken one's resolve. Merely existing may as well be not existing at all; inaction is worse than the wrong action. Certainly, an action may be wrong or end up going in ways which are unexpected, but lack of any action means that nothing will be accomplished. A great man once said that "the only thing to fear is fear itself." I've been locked in silly fears for far too long. Fears of what he or she thinks, fears of what consequences MIGHT happen from various decisions, fears of what possibilities might be limited from some action or another. Unfounded fears result in worse outcomes than just running forwards guns blazing and DOING something!
It's a big, scary world full of big, scary people. But it is quite silly to be more afraid of it now then I was as a child. I must stand tall, roll with the punches, and never stop moving forward. One's worth is decides by one's actions; if one makes no actions, then one is truly worthless. Nobody wants to be worthless, and nobody is locked into only having the potential of worthlessness. I must strive to obtain my potential... to live up to my destiny. If I don't, I will merely one day die having lived a very sad and pathetic life of broken dreams and missed triumphs.
It may take baby steps to begin the forward momentum required to propel myself back to where I should be, but I am prepared to take those steps.
I am no longer afraid.
P.S. If you havn't yet read the previous post, the AniRave is this coming weekend and YOU should be there! Check your email for the invite and RSVP ASAP!
I usually consider myself somewhat of a skeptic towards the concept of "fate", and yet time and again things seem to move in a way that can only be chalked up to the concept. Certainly we control our destinies; yet, it seems that our natural desires and talents will move us toward certain goals and ideals. Rallying against our internal strengths seems to merely lead toward aggravation and suffering. Beyond that, nature has a strange way of getting us back on the proper paths that we have shunned for so long.
I am a child of nature, and a writer. The real and surreal and amazing and wonderful and mystical and magical world around us is my playground and that which gives me strength. Being detached from it, from the very lifeblood of my being, leads to depression and endless circular internal arguments over the meaning of life and self. Reconnecting with it leads to internal peace and more open-minded thought about the way things are. I really need to stop fighting the flow and follow the path that destiny is leading me to. It may not fit in with society or the desires of family or friends, but it will fit in with myself. And being thus, I will be able to move forward and get out of the fog that has surrounded my worldview for so many years.
The leaves are starting to turn and fall and the season of autumn is beginning. Somehow, as the world prepares for rest, my energies flow to a maximum. There is never a better time to make positive change for myself than in the fall. Now is that time. As the harvest season approaches, as the chill enters the air, as the smells of pumpkin and cinnamon fill the air, I will try my damnedest to regain those pieces of my soul that I have scattered to the winds.
I was once prepared for anything. I was once excited about new opportunities; about learning and the endless possibilities the future had in store. I was once happy-go-lucky, yet thoughtful and patiently reserved. I was once hyper and easily amused by silly trifles. I was once a fearless leader and a creative visionary. It's time to become all those things... myself... again.
It's time to stop fighting that which is not an enemy. One must choose one's battles wisely, and rallying against everything will only weaken one's resolve. Merely existing may as well be not existing at all; inaction is worse than the wrong action. Certainly, an action may be wrong or end up going in ways which are unexpected, but lack of any action means that nothing will be accomplished. A great man once said that "the only thing to fear is fear itself." I've been locked in silly fears for far too long. Fears of what he or she thinks, fears of what consequences MIGHT happen from various decisions, fears of what possibilities might be limited from some action or another. Unfounded fears result in worse outcomes than just running forwards guns blazing and DOING something!
It's a big, scary world full of big, scary people. But it is quite silly to be more afraid of it now then I was as a child. I must stand tall, roll with the punches, and never stop moving forward. One's worth is decides by one's actions; if one makes no actions, then one is truly worthless. Nobody wants to be worthless, and nobody is locked into only having the potential of worthlessness. I must strive to obtain my potential... to live up to my destiny. If I don't, I will merely one day die having lived a very sad and pathetic life of broken dreams and missed triumphs.
It may take baby steps to begin the forward momentum required to propel myself back to where I should be, but I am prepared to take those steps.
I am no longer afraid.
P.S. If you havn't yet read the previous post, the AniRave is this coming weekend and YOU should be there! Check your email for the invite and RSVP ASAP!