FIC: ...Before the Truth Has a Chance to Get Its Pants On for fullmoon_dreams [Pt 2 of 2]

[midnitemaraud_r]

Title: A Lie Gets Halfway Around the School Before the Truth Has a Chance to Get Its Pants On
Author: midnitemaraud_r
Recipient: fullmoon_dreams
Rating: R

He was frozen solid; everything was cold and dark, but there was an annoying buzzing in his ears. He tried to lift his hand to swat at whatever was making the noise, but his arm was numb and felt as if it were made of stone. Frozen stone. Is it possible to freeze stone? No matter. He'd just lie here for a while and relax. Only, the surface his body was lying on was hard. And cold. Like a stone slab.

Was he was one of those tombs with the stone effigy carved on the top? Bloody stone carvers. Couldn't have used a cushioning charm? Was that too much to ask for? considering he was going to spend eternity lying on this bloody slab.

The buzzing grew louder and deeper. An insect repelling charm would have been nice, too! Amateurs!

The ground started to shake. Earthquake? What next, a flood?

"Moony!"

"Remus!"

"Mr Lupin."

"C'mon, Moony, wake up."

"Wait," a female voice said. "I think he just moved his arm."

Remus imagined he wrinkled his brow.

"Here. I brought some cold water and-"

"He moved! I saw it! I-"

A cascade of cold water splashed onto his face, and he sat up abruptly, gasping. "That's it! I demand a refund!"

"Oh, thank Merlin you're alive," Lily said as someone rubbed a flannel in his face.

He blinked and batted at the flannel. His arms still felt heavy and numb, but they weren't stone any longer. Nor was he an effigy. Then he remembered where he was.

"Ger'off me, I can't breathe." That wasn't exactly a lie either. He was finding it difficult, and his skin itched something awful. He liked it much better when he'd been stone.

The flannel vanished and he opened his eyes, and then quickly shut them again. Opened them again slowly, blinking at the light and the sight of two anxious faces-one red-haired, one black-about three inches from his nose. They looked like twin Cyclops, and he closed his eyes again, feeling dizzy. "Do you mind?" he said with obvious effort, and tried to lie back down, but hands on his back caught him and kept him sitting upright.

"Easy does it, Moony. Merlin, you look bloody awful, but that was a spectacular explosion. Best one since last spring-no, wait, last winter, when we did antidotes. But nothing beats the Forgetfulness Potion from first year."

Peter.

I'm going to kill him. This is all his fault! "Had to go and mention it, didn't you," he said through clenched teeth, then taking a big gasping breath from the effort of speaking. "You didn't blow anything up all month," he said when he'd managed to get enough air, trying to mimic Peter's earlier speech, but barely managing a feeble wheeze. I can't die before I kill him.

"Step back, Mr Pettigrew, if you please. Here, Lupin, my lad. Drink this up, there you go," Slughorn said, pressing a goblet to his lips and tilting it back, forcing Remus to swallow, though plenty dripped down his chin and onto his robes. Good thing it was a large goblet.

He started to feel better almost immediately as the potion hit his throat. The itching subsided and his larynx cleared. He took great gulps of air, choking and spluttering, trying not to gag. It was a good thing he was used to foul-tasting potions.

"That's better," Slughorn said, and Remus would have rolled his eyes if he wasn't doubled over choking to death. "Just stay right here. One more goblet for you, my boy, and you'll be right as rain."

What the hell does that even mean? Since when is rain 'right'? How does he know it's not wrong? Or left? And where would I go?

"How do you feel, Moony?" Sirius asked.

Still choking, he glared up at Sirius. He meant to say "Fine" but instead said, "F-for fuck's sake," before collapsing into another coughing fit.

"Mr Black, what did I say about asking him any questions?" Slughorn said, returning with the second goblet. This one was smoking, and Remus eyed it with foreboding as his coughing eased into hiccups.

"All right, then? As the Muggles like to say, second one's the charm," and he pressed the goblet to Remus' lips so that Remus had no time to ponder how many Muggles Slughorn had been hanging about chatting with.

It was like drinking liquid fire, and he thought his tongue might just dissolve. He kept drinking until the goblet was empty, and surprisingly, his mouth, throat and stomach seemed to be in one piece as well as functional. The fire raced throughout his body, however, and he wouldn't have been surprised to see flames shoot from his fingers and toes. Just as quickly as it had come, it was gone, his fingers and toes tingling in the aftermath. It left him feeling lightheaded and dizzy, and vaguely nauseated, and he closed his eyes, swaying.

"Easy there," Sirius' voice came beside his right ear, and a steady hand held him up. "Better?"

"A bit, yeah. I feel like I'm drunk. Bugger that, I wish I was drunk right now."

"And it's not even noon, yet. You're quite the marvel," Sirius said.

"Oh, right. As if. Face it, Lupin, you're just a pathetic failure of a sod who talks to himself too much."

"Well, yes, Moony, we know that, but we still kind of like you anyway," Sirius said, and Remus glared up at him.

"What are you talking about? I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did," James said, squatting on his other side. "I heard you. You said you talk to yourself too much. Do you really? Does it help?"

He glared at James, pressing his lips together. "I see you've snapped out of your lovesick stupor, have you? God, I hope I never look that pitiful in public."

"Hey! I did not look pitiful!" James said, glaring back.

"I never said you did," Remus said. "I only thought it, but I'm not stupid enough to say that to your face, am I? Well, more like not brave enough because you'd probably kick seven shades of shit out of me."

"You got that right, you little gobshite! I oughta-"

"Don't you dare, Potter!" Lily said, and yanked him back before he could punch Remus. Caught off-balance, James toppled over onto his arse amidst snickers and laughter from the rest of the class, who were all gathered round, but at a distance.

"Thanks, Lily," Remus said, smiling weakly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Great, I need a girl to rescue me. Almost as pitiful as Prongs." He sighed loudly and tried to get to his feet, but Lily grabbed his arm.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" she asked, eyes narrowing. "If you'd rather, I'll just let Potter punch you in the face next time, shall I?"

Remus frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, dear," Professor Slughorn said, pushing his way into their midst. "That's an interesting development." He frowned at Remus, his moustache twitching, and Remus tried not to laugh.

"Merlin, he really does look like a walrus, doesn't he?"

"Oh, ho, Mr Lupin, aren't you clever." He turned to the rest of the class. "Back to your stations and clean up. I imagine most of your potions are spoiled, what with all the excitement. Salvage what you can and we'll just do them over next class, shall we?" He frowned again. "Mr Black, if you'd help Mr Lupin up, I'd like you bring him to my desk-Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew, he'll be fine. I think," he added, as they moved toward Remus as well. "Ms Evans, I'd like you to come, too. The rest of you, as I said, please return to your seats. Thank you."

Sirius was looking at him with the strangest expression. Expressions, really, because they kept changing every few seconds: one minute glee, the next worry, and the next wonder, all cycling so fast it was making Remus even more dizzy.

"Would you just pick one already?" he said irritably as Sirius lifted him to his feet.

"That depends on what I'm choosing between," Sirius replied, getting his shoulder under Remus'. "This is familiar, isn't it?"

"Shut up. Unless you're choosing me. Right. Like that'd ever happen." He sighed. "He's always warm. I wish he'd move his hand a bit lower though. Ooh. Right there's good."

"Er, Moony? How much of that potion did you swallow?"

"How am I supposed to know? I was unconscious. And despite the cold and lack of basic amenities, it was a lot more pleasant than here right now. Well, okay maybe not. Sirius is a lot nicer than a slab of stone, and he doesn't even need a Cushioning Charm."

"Mr Black, if you could refrain from speaking to Mr Lupin for just a moment, and Mr Lupin? I'd like you to sit down here in my chair and do try to keep your mind blank."

"It's always blank. Blank, blank, blank. No grass growing here." He sat down in Slughorn's chair. "Ouch. You'd think a professor's chair would be more comfortable, wouldn't you?"

Slughorn sighed, Sirius laughed, and Lily stared at him with wide eyes.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked, gripping the Professor's arm. "I can hear his voice, but his lips aren't moving. I thought you gave him the antidote. Shouldn't it have worked by now?"

"Well, yes," Professor Slughorn said. "If it was Veritaserum that he swallowed, he would be back to normal by now with no lingering effects. Even before it has time to maturate, it can still be potent, even for a short period." He furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought perhaps it was the aconite that gave him the rash, so I dosed him at the first with a mild dittany-based antidote. Didn't want him to stop breathing, you know."

"Of course. Fascinating. Please do go on."

They all looked at him sharply, and Slughorn sighed. "Just ignore anything he says for the moment, please."

"Ignore what?" Remus said, narrowing his eyes. "Me? I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did-"

"Mr Black, please."

"Yes, Professor."

"As I was saying, I dosed him with a dittany antidote, which as you can see, cleared up the rash immediately. However, I'm beginning to suspect it wasn't caused by the aconite."

"We didn't use much, only two pinches, and Lily put it in so I didn't even have to touch it undiluted."

Lily wrinkled her nose. "He's right, but why would aconite cause a rash like that? I didn't think it possessed those properties."

Sirius clapped his hand over Remus' mouth. "He's really, really allergic!" Sirius shouted at the same time Remus thought, "Yoo-Hoo. Werewolf here."

"You're what?" Lily asked. "I couldn't hear you. And for Merlin's sake, Black, you don't have to shout at me when I'm standing two feet away from you. What is wrong with you?"

"We haven't got that kind of time, but I'm sure I could make an annotated list of the relevant things."

Lily furrowed her brow and glanced at Remus, Sirius' hand still covering his mouth. "Why is he doing that? It sounds a bit weird, doesn't it? Kind of tinny."

"M'nt dngnythng! Have they all gone mad? I don't hear anything."

Sirius slowly removed his hand, but kept his eye on Remus. "More like an echo. It's different from his speaking voice. So what caused it then?" he asked.

"Frankly, I'm at a loss." Slughorn looked at Lily. "You followed the instructions exactly, I'm presuming." Lily nodded, and Slughorn scratched his head. "As I said, I thought it was aconite, all things considered, but frankly his presentation was more consistent with nettle rash. Ms Evans, did you by any chance have any nettles lying around that could have found their way into the potion?"

Lily shook her head. "Of course not."

"Mr Lupin?"

"No. I'm all out of anyway, plant and juice. And really, I know I'm pants at brewing potions, but I'm not that much of an idiot. I know what nettles look like."

"We made the potion together, Professor," Lily said. "There were no nettles or nettle juice anywhere near it. I would have noticed."

"Well, then. The plot thickens. It's really quite fascinating. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it."

"So it's not a Veritaserum overdose then?" Sirius asked.

"Certainly not. The problem is, I don't know if it was the potion itself or something in one of the antidotes I gave him that caused this. Mr Lupin, do you have any other allergies that I'm not aware of?

Remus shook his head. "Wonderful. A mystery illness. At least it's not the bloody Veritaserum. Then I'd be really buggered. Imagine being forced to tell the truth in front of everybody."

"Ah, yes, as I was saying." Slughorn leant on his desk, lowering his voice. "Dittany itself is benign and used to cure a large number of afflictions, as you know. It would not, even in combination with other powerful compounds, account for Mr Lupin's present, ah, condition."

"Might be nice if someone bothered to explain this condition to me. I'm a bit dizzy, and those potions aren't sitting well in my stomach, but they're acting like I'm dying."

"Patience, Mr Lupin. You're not dying," Slughorn said. "I don't think. Now, if we take the volatility of the runespoor eggs into account..." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "No, it shouldn't, well, it could-Oho! We rarely use nettles or nettle juice in tandem with tentacula venom, because the nettle juice has a rather adverse affect on them, and when you mix aconite, nettle juice, tentacula venom and-"

"A Babbling Beverage!" Lily exclaimed then frowned, looking at Remus. "But he's not-I mean, he is a bit, but not anything like the usual effects of a Babbling Beverage." Her eyes widened. "But with the snapdragon berries in the unrefined Veritaserum ... they don't like nettle juice, either ..."

"Exactly, Ms Evans. Excellent work as always. I always said you were my star pupil."

Lily blushed and Remus rolled his eyes. "Well done, well done and all that rot. Am I the only one paying attention here? Let's put aside the fact that I swallowed an unknown quantity of truth potion along with some dodgy antidote, along with the fact that I would rather not die in a dungeon ... Did we not establish that there were no bloody nettles in any of the potions? A little less fawning and a little more deduction based on facts would be nice. Besides, I am clearly not babbling."

Sirius stifled a laugh and patted Remus on the head. "This is fun. Can we keep him like this?"

"Keep me how? Depends where you're going to keep me."

Sirius laughed outright.

"Mr Black, please. Mr Lupin does have a point."

"Of course I have a point. But wait a minute. How would you know that I had a point? I haven't said anything." He narrowed his eyes and stared back and forth between the three of them. "Someone had better tell me what's going on right now."

"It would appear that some random ingredients between your botched Veritaserum and the two antidotes I gave you upon your revival have interacted in a way that has shown some interesting effects," Slughorn said delicately.

"And what exactly do you mean by interesting effects? Have I been poisoned?"

"Not exactly poisoned, no, Mr Lupin, though it could potentially be, ah, shall we say a bit unfortunate, if we don't discover the source of it. Though it is possible that it will wear off on its own given time. None of the ingredients by themselves are toxic, after all. At least not in the dosages in which they were used, including the aconite."

He stared at Slughorn, bewildered. "Come again? If someone doesn't tell me in simple sentences of words of no more than two syllables long what the bleeding hell is wrong with me, I'm going to pull a Prongs and hang their knackers from their ears."

"We can hear what you're thinking, Moony. It's brilliant!"

"You can what?" Remus said, startled. "I knew I should have dropped this stupid class. Hear my thoughts? As in what I'm thinking now? This very minute?"

James and Peter walked over just then carrying Remus and Sirius' bags. "Is that what that is? We can hear his thoughts?" James asked. "Brilliant!"

"It is not brilliant! Are you insane? Oh my god, what have I been thinking about for the last fifteen minutes? James is a prat? Well, yes they know that. This is all Peter's fault for jinxing me? No, that's not terrible. Sirius is-Merlin do not think about that, for fuck's sake. You'll be in so much trouble! Professor Slughorn. He's safe. Think about ... oh bugger, I was thinking he looks like a walrus, wasn't I? I'm just going to go curl up in the corner now."

"Maybe we should get him to Madam Pomfrey," Lily said, looking concerned despite the pronounced twitching of her lips.

"Lily Evans, I can't believe you're laughing at me, even after I promised I'd never tell Prongs you thought he was clever and that sometimes you actually think he's almost good-looking if he weren't such an insufferable toerag."

"Remus Lupin!" Lily shrieked and turned to James. "I never said that! Never! And if I did, I was clearly drunk, so don't you even think-"

"You think I'm clever and handsome?"

"I love how he ignores the insufferable toerag part."

"If everyone would please quiet down," Professor Slughorn said in a booming voice. "Yes, yes, that's much better. Mr Lupin, I want you to think about ... nettles. Maybe you can remember something. Perhaps something inadvertent happened while you were brewing. The more I think about it, I'm convinced you initially suffered a nettle rash, so we must try to discover how nettles-or nettle juice, which is much more potent, of course-found its way into your system."

"Nettle juice smells foul. I hate nettles. I certainly wouldn't drink it on purpose, and I told you we didn't put any in our potion."

James tore his gaze away from Lily, the blood draining from his face. "Nettle juice?" he asked, his voice strained.

"Yes, Mr Potter. Is something wrong?"

"Ah, well, no, not exactly," James said, squirming. "Well, maybe. What happened?"

Sirius gasped and bit his lip, failing spectacularly to hide his grin. "Prongs, you didn't!"

"Erm, well." James turned to Lily. "Did you, ah, by chance happen to use any valerian root in this potion?"

Lily looked back and forth between Sirius and James. "Yes. Five roots thinly sliced, why?"

"I meant to take it back ages ago," James said. "I would have, but I completely forgot, I mean, I-"

"What he's trying to say is that he soaked a bunch of valerian root in nettle juice and salamander blood and slipped it in Remus' potions kit," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I told you not to do it, you git."

"Nettle juice and salamander blood?" Slughorn said, his eyes wide. "Oh, dear, that's not good, not good at all."

"Why would you do that?" Lily shouted, rounding on James with her fists clenched.

"I- He- It's not-" James sighed and looked down at his feet, tapping his toe on the ground. "It was just a bit of harmless revenge. Sorry, Moony," he said meekly, glancing up at Lily under his fringe.

Remus had been staring open-mouthed at James, his mind completely blank until James mentioned revenge.

"You're not serious! This was about that bloody essay? McGonagall's essay?"

"I said I was sorry," James said, raising his head and looking at Lily.

"You're sorry? If you were sorry, you'd be apologising to me and not Lily, you arse!"

"He got you there, Prongs," Sirius said.

"So wait," Peter said. "Prongs poisoned Moony?"

"Yeah, because spearing me in the arse wasn't good enough for you?"

"What?" Lily yelled, and smacked James in the head. "Was that why he was limping for a week last month? What the hell kind of friends are you?"

"Wait, Lily, you got it all wrong."

"No she doesn't. Nice one, Lily."

"Hush, you," James said, shaking his finger at Remus. He turned to Lily. "I didn't spear him in the arse-well, okay, I sort of did, but it's not what you think, and why is it your business anyway? I didn't do anything to you! And Remus knows it wasn't on purpose and I did it for his own good."

"For his own good?" Lily said, her face red and her eyes flashing. "How could that possibly be for his own good? What the bloody hell is wrong with you, James Potter?"

Remus couldn't help himself. He grinned. "They're rather entertaining, fighting over me like this. I wonder if they'll start snogging."

"You shut up!" James and Lily said at the same time, glaring at him.

They were interrupted by a loud bang. Professor Slughorn stood there with his wand in the air, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. "Mr Potter, Ms Evans, please. You're Head Boy and Girl after all." He gestured behind them, and they all turned to see the entire class gaping at them with looks of horror and amusement.

Lily lowered her fists and took several deep breaths. "Yes, I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't mean to ... yes." She gave all of them a piercing look then turned on her heel and stormed off. Ingrid looked at Remus and his friends for a long moment and then ran after Lily, handing over Lily's bag as they exited the classroom.

"Well, that looks like a good idea," Remus said, standing up and swaying on his feet. Sirius caught him before he fell and held him up as James and Peter both lunged to assist despite the desk being in the way.

"I've got him, Professor. So now we know what's caused it, is there an antidote?"

Slughorn tapped his chin and pursed his lips, thinking. "Nettle and salamander blood-infused valerian root, runespoor eggs, tentacula venom and aconite. And clearly we must consider the foxglove and aldrovanda pollen in the antidote I gave him, among others. Fascinating combination. A bit frightening, really. Yes, I do suppose I could try to whip something up." He brightened suddenly and rubbed his hands together. "This could prove to be quite the challenge, indeed! And even better, if I could manage to concoct the exact potion that caused these effects ..." He cleared his throat. "All in the pursuit of knowledge, you understand. Mr Potter, how long did you soak the roots for?"

"Er, a few hours, I suppose."

"Hmmm, that's lucky, then. If you'd soaked them overnight, then we might have a problem."

"Lucky me. Prongs is an incompetent poisoner."

"It might take a couple of days, but don't you worry, Mr Lupin. We'll have you on your feet again in no time."

"Er, thanks. There he goes again. How is a couple of days no time? Not to mention I'm already on my feet because my feet are not the bloody problem, are they? Oh, god, they can hear all of this, can't they? I'm going to lock myself in a cupboard for a week. The house-elves can bring me food, and at least they won't mock me into the next millennium."

"I'm sure they won't do that, Mr Lupin. Now if you don't mind, I'll just grab a quick blood sample from you and you can be off." He took a small vial from his pocket and tapped Remus' arm with his wand. "There we go. Just a pinch."

Slughorn put his hand to Remus' forehead. "No fever. Have you any chills? A burning sensation anywhere unusual? No? Nor do you look as though you feel like your skin is crawling with doxies. Always a good sign, I say! With a little luck, this will wear off on its own in a day or two and you won't even need another antidote, but if you should begin to feel any other adverse effects, like sudden memory loss, or should you find yourself suddenly unconscious, please go see Madam Pomfrey immediately."

"Yes, I'll do that. I'm going to die, aren't I? Doxies? Ugh!" He shuddered.

"You okay, Moony?" Sirius asked, walking him around the front of the desk toward the door.

"Not really, no. What kind of question is that? Gosh, Padfoot, I feel just fine. Who wouldn't feel fine having ingested a dangerous, buggered-up potion with unknown side effects thanks to his best friend who tried to bloody poison him? If I don't die outright, which is rather preferable at the moment, more so than potentially blurting out to the entire school that I'm a w-"

"Wanker!" Sirius, James, and Peter all shouted at once, Sirius clapping his hand firmly over Remus' mouth, despite its futility. Sirius exhaled loudly and plastered a grin on his face. "Aww, Moony, I can see how you wouldn't want anyone to know such a terrible secret. 'Course, we knew right away, didn't we, Prongs?"

Sirius turned and looked at Snape, who was glaring at them, his lip curling in disgust. "Of course, you'll never be as big a wanker as Snivellus, so don't you worry your pretty head about that."

"Snape really is an ugly git, isn't he?"

"Yes, he is, Moony. Don't look at him. I don't want you hurling all over Prongs' new trainers," Sirius said, patting Remus' shoulder as they exited the classroom.

"You're wearing my new shoes? Mum just sent them yesterday!"

"And very comfortable they are, too, you should tell her."

"I haven't even worn them yet."

"Well, now I've broken them in for you, haven't I?"

"Do they share pants, too?"

"I think we'd better get him upstairs to the dorm," Peter said quietly as they made their way up the stairs to the Entrance Hall, ignoring the snickers and stares from their classmates.

"Oh, you think?"

"I'll take him, Wormy. You and Prongs have to go on to Transfiguration or else Minerva is going to put us all in detention until N.E.W.T.s. This way you can tell her what happened."

"Yeah, I hope she gives you a ten foot essay to write!"

"Now, now, Moony," Sirius said, grinning. "Go," he said to James and Peter.

"How come we have to miss out on all the fun?" James said, tilting his head and looking at Remus. "Who knew our Moony was such a bastard on the inside. I kind of like it. He called ol' Sluggy a walrus right to his face!"

"Jealous, are you? I'd get that grin off my face if I were you, considering Evans will likely never snog you again after today."

"You know," James said, narrowing his eyes, "maybe I'm not so fond of Moony's insides after all."

"Give him a break. This is your fault, you know," Sirius said.

"How many potions has he exploded over the years? I do this one time, and I didn't even mean-" James looked at Sirius and sighed. "Right, right. We're going. Come on, Wormy."

Peter patted Remus' arm and trotted off after James.

"Can I kill him later?" Remus said. "Or maybe not kill. If you hold him down I'll just maim him a little bit, and I promise I won't bite him."

Sirius laughed and looked at him. "You actually said that yourself that time. When you think things aloud, it does sound different."

"Does it?"

"Yeah. It's not as loud, so we can always yell over you if you say anything, er, problematic."

Remus covered his eyes with his hand. "Oh, god, I've nearly exposed myself twice already. I don't even realise I'm doing it, either. Maybe you should just leave me and go to Transfiguration with Prongs and Wormy. Because if I start talking about you without realising it, I'm leaving school and entering a monastery."

"You're not leaving school and I am not leaving you on your own like this. Don't worry. If you start to say anything bad, I'll stop you, all right? I promise."

Remus looked at him sceptically but nodded. They made their way up the main staircase. The corridors were empty, thankfully, and Remus was desperately trying to refrain from talking to himself and keep his mind blank. It wasn't working very well.

He sighed. "I'm so buggered. Not just James. I mean this potion thing. It was really complicated, but we did everything right and I still bollocksed it up. I'm cursed, Padfoot."

"It's more like a spell than a curse."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. He always does that. Make jokes. Okay, sometimes they're funny, but right now this is anything but funny. I should have had Slughorn take me back because having him this close to me when I could blurt anything out without realising it is really starting to-

"Stop it, Lupin. Think of anything else, think of ... apples. Apples are good. Red and juicy, sometimes green and tart, and you love the way they crunch when he bites into one with those pointy eye teeth and his red lips ... and okay, maybe not apples then. Come on, Lupin, think of something safe ... safe, what's safe? Transfiguration, which is where you should be, if it wasn't for James, that prat. McGonagall is not going to be pleased. McGonagall, she's safe. Right, think about McGonagall.

"Okay, what about McGonagall then? Anything that doesn't make you think of snogging Sirius, which is stupid because Transfiguration's his best subject, though he's good in just about everything, isn't he, though I'm a bit better at Runes than he is, and we're about even in Defence, and you're supposed to be thinking of McGonagall, but it's hard because all I can see is her yelling at Sirius, but that was such a brilliant prank, I knew he could- Right. McGonagall. McGonagall. McGonagall, does she wear tartan knickers, do you think?"

Beside him, Sirius started laughing. He stopped walking and dragged Remus over to the wall, leant his back against it, and bent over in half, holding his stomach.

"What the hell is so fun-?" All the blood drained from Remus' face. "You said you'd stop me if I said anything bad! You promised! God damn it, where is that bloody trap door? Why did I spend so much time worrying over potions when I could have learnt how to do that spell instead? It must be written down in a book somewhere. I need one that leads to a monastery."

"I- You-" Sirius' face was red and his eyes were tearing as he looked up at Remus before doubling over again. "Oh, Merlin, I'm sorry, Moony. But-" He sniffed and wiped his sleeve across his eyes as he stood up. "Do you really think like this all the time?" His expression changed suddenly to one of alarm, and he grabbed Remus' wrist. "Oh, shit. Come on!" he said and took off running, dragging Remus along.

"Wait! Do you want me to be sick? Padfoot, I-"

"Here," Sirius said as they turned a sharp corner, Remus nearly careening into the wall, and pulled out his wand. "Dissendium," he said, skidding to a stop beside the statue of the humpbacked witch, her secret passage gaping open but partially obstructed by a gaudy looking scarf. Sirius pushed Remus inside head first and dived in after him, the scarf covering Remus' face so he couldn't see a thing. He heard the entrance hole shut behind them as they slid down the ramp in the dark, landing at the bottom in a crumpled heap on the dirt floor.

"What-?" Remus asked, tugging the scarf from his face, rolling over and rubbing the top of his head. "Ow."

"The Meddling Mistletoe. Two of them were coming right for us."

"Oh. Good thinking," Remus said, lying on his back and looking up into the darkness. It was bloody cold in the tunnel and he shivered. "Of course he didn't want to kiss you, you idiot. He's Sirius Black, not a bloody poofter. He was laughing at you, too. When's the last time you saw him laugh like that anyway? A year if not more. Well, at least you're good for something." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Padfoot. You probably think I'm some perverted lecher now. I didn't ... I mean, I-

"Shit. Now he knows you fancy him. And you still can't even say it out loud. This is it. The end of everything. It was nice having friends for a little while, at least."

"Lumos."

Remus closed his eyes against the sudden glare from Sirius' wand.

"You really are daft, aren't you? You're good for a lot of things."

"Such as? Besides embarrassing myself."

He felt something tickle his cheek and he opened his eyes. Sirius' hair was hanging down and brushing against Remus, his face dangerously close, eyes dark and solemn. He sucked in his breath. "What are you doing? Too close, he's too close. If I just lifted my head up a couple inches ... You can't. Oh, why does he have to be so bloody gorgeous?"

"This," Sirius said softly, and he leant down and kissed Remus on his lips.

"Oh my god. I'm kissing Sirius Black. I must have hit my head harder than I thought."

Sirius drew back and climbed on top of Remus, straddling him and laying his wand on the ground above their heads. "Are we going to snog, or are you going to think at me?"

"Both?"

"Right. That's it. No more talking. No more thinking either."

"But-"

He was cut off by Sirius' lips pressing hard against his. He opened his mouth to ask Sirius if he really knew what he was doing, and Sirius, taking full advantage, slipped his tongue inside Remus' mouth. "Well, okay then. I guess he does. Ohhh, he really does."

"Moony," Sirius mumbled into his mouth, and Remus closed his eyes, kissing him back, thinking of nothing but Sirius' lips, and Sirius' tongue, and Sirius' hand, gentle against his cheek. He reached up and wrapped his arms around Sirius' back.

"I'm dreaming and I never, ever want to wake up."

"I'm going to have to Petrify you, aren't I?"

"I'd still be conscious. I can't help it. How am I supposed to not think when you're sitting on top of me and snogging me? Come to think of it, why are you snogging me, exactly?"

"Didn't you want me to?"

"Well, of course I did, you nitwit, but I didn't think you wanted to. Er, you just heard that, didn't you."

Sirius laughed and tweaked Remus' nose. He sighed softly. "Well, I did. Didn't know you wanted to until today."

"Oh." Remus swallowed audibly. "Why'd you run from the mistletoe then?"

Sirius ducked his head and looked away.

Remus frowned. "What? Did I say something embarrassing again?"

"No. I just. Well, one of the reasons I was so eager to make it when James ... I thought ... Well, I'd planned, actually ..."

"Planned what?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Now you're just being annoying. You know damn well what I was going to say."

"I can't hear your thoughts, you know. It's not exactly fair, either."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Are you always this slow?"

"Apparently," Remus said. "I- You're not taking the piss are you? Because of this potion thing?"

"I know I can be a bit of a bastard-"

"A bit?"

"Shut it, you," Sirius said, squeezing Remus' cheeks together and smooshing his lips.

"Okay, okay," he said, grabbing Sirius' wrist. "It's not my fault though."

Sirius ran his finger across Remus' bottom lip. "You've a wicked mind, Moony. I like that."

"Wait till you find out just how wicked." Remus lifted his head and bit Sirius' finger gently, and Sirius grinned. "But you still didn't tell me why we ran from the mistletoe just now."

Sirius huffed. "Because after you so eloquently confessed, I decided I didn't want our first kiss to be coerced, all right?"

Remus grinned. "Sirius Black, the closet romantic. I never would have guessed."

"I'm not the only one who was in a bloody closet."

"Touché," Remus said softly, tracing Sirius' wrist with his finger. "You gonna kiss me again?"

"You going to stop think-talking this time?

"Maybe."

"Maybe I should try a silencing charm," Sirius said, leaning down and kissing him again.

"Mmmm." Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius' back, pressing him against his chest. He smiled and thought of Sirius' lips, licking across them and sliding his tongue in Sirius' mouth.

Sirius made some indeterminate noise in the back of his throat, and Remus responded in kind, exploring every corner of Sirius' mouth that he could find.

"Mmmm. He's a really good kisser. I hope he doesn't think I'm pants at it. And he's got the softest lips, too. Mine are always so chapped, especially in winter. How does he get them that soft? Is it a spell? Or- Oh, god, who says this kind of shite?" Remus said, breaking the kiss. "Stop laughing!"

Sirius was shaking, his forehead resting against Remus' chest. "Can't help it, Moony. Merlin, you're killing me. I can't decide if I want to brain James or give him a big wet kiss for this potion accident."

"You kiss him, I'll brain him."

"You wouldn't be jealous?" Sirius asked, lifting his head.

"As long as you keep your tongue to yourself. With James. Definitely not with me."

Sirius grinned. "What do you want me to do with my tongue then?"

"Don't even think it. He'll think you're a bloody pervert!"

"I already know you're a pervert," He inched his way up Remus' body, dragging his pelvis against Remus' hard prick.

Remus made a strangled noise in his throat. "Oh, god! Don't stop!"

"Like that, do you? Mmmm." He licked his way up Remus' throat, over his chin and up to his lips. "I never knew it would be this entertaining snogging you."

"Entertaining, is it? So when this wears off, you're suggesting I'll be dull, is that it?"

Sirius grinned. "Not if you promise to tell me how soft my lips are at least once a day."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I'm never snogging you again."

"Liar."

"Am not. McGonagall's tartan knickers, McGonagall's tartan knickers."

Sirius shifted and dragged his hard cock against Remus'.

"Oh, fuck."

"I thought you'd never ask," Sirius said, covering Remus' mouth with his own, and sliding his tongue inside.

It wasn't too difficult to keep from thinking because the only thing on his mind was Sirius. It was the strangest thing, as though he was watching them kiss, but from the inside. Feeling and seeing at the same time, lips and tongues entangled, the barest scrape of teeth, soft moans, and more lips and tongue. At first he was afraid to move simply because he wanted this moment to last as long as possible. Then Sirius shifted again and Remus' mind went blank.

On instinct, Remus raised his arms and wrapped them around Sirius' back, one hand in Sirius' hair at the back of his neck, the other stretching down his lower back desperate to press him down even harder against his cock. He tried to bend his legs, but his robes were caught under Sirius' weight.

"Get them off. I need to move. Off, now!" Clearly Sirius agreed, because he raised his body and was trying to pull Remus' robes up one-handed. Remus wasted no time in scrabbling at the back of Sirius' robes and rucking them up over his hips as he lifted his own hips off the ground. He didn't care about the dirt floor or anything else; only Sirius and his cock which was ... inside his pants.

"Bugger. Pants. Off, dammit. Where's my wand so I can just bloody Vanish them both?"

Sirius sat up and Remus reached for him. "Don't-"

"I can't take 'em off while I'm straddling you," Sirius said, his voice just as breathless as Remus'. "They're not that elastic. And I don't trust either of us to Vanish anything right now. Give us a second."

"That's five. Get back here," he thought, though he too was busy kicking at his own pants, bending his left leg and peeling them off. "Aha!" He didn't bother with the right leg.

Sirius-already pantsless-was trying to lift his robes over his head, but Remus was far too impatient. He grabbed Sirius by the front of his robes and pulled him down on top of him, and Sirius had to grab onto Remus' shoulders so he wouldn't fall.

"Merlin's balls, Moony, are you trying to kill me?"

"Less about Merlin's bollocks, more about mine. Mmmmph-"

More snogging, messier this time, but Remus didn't care. In fact, it all felt rather brilliant. "Unggggh! Oh, please. Please don't stop"

He tilted his hips and thrust hard up against Sirius, his heels digging in to the dirt floor, his fingers clenched in Sirius' bunched-up robes. Sirius was on his knees, straddling him, thrusting back, though not just thrusting. His hips moved in a circle, and he dragged his lips away from Remus' mouth to his neck. He scraped his teeth against the thin skin and bit down at the juncture of neck and shoulder. Then there was more tongue and lips and sucking, and Remus groaned, trying to mimic Sirius' circular motion with his hips, plucking at his robes until his hands touched the warm, bare skin of Sirius' arse.

"I can't, oh, god, I can't. Mmmm, harder, harder, ah, fuck, yes, I ... ohh." He knew Sirius could hear him, but he couldn't help it and wouldn't have stopped even if he could. There were no words to describe how it felt and he couldn't think beyond the prickling radiating from his lower spine. Sirius' cock was so hard and it was pressed alongside his, sliding, rubbing.

"Oh god, Padfoot, more, please ... "

He felt sweat beading on his chest beneath his robes and he strained his hips, bucking hard, but Sirius met him, rutting hard and sucking on his neck ...

"C-come-coming. Oh, god!" He gave one last thrust upward and arched his back, gasping as his body just pulsed, his fingers pressing into Sirius' back. He felt lighter than air and heavier than water, both at the same time, languid and fluid.

Sirius lifted himself up, grasping Remus by the shoulders and thrusting at a furious pace, his head hung, hair wet with sweat as it fell against Remus' chin. His voice was rough and sounded like a sob when he said, "Fuck, Moony."

"Yes, yes. Don't stop. You have to come now."

Remus, elbow bent, helped brace Sirius under his arms, holding him up with hands flat against his chest, urgency at the breathlessness of Sirius' voice spurring him on, forcing him to move, hips circling, sliding, their cocks wet and slick. It was dizzying, and he felt as though he was moving in slow motion, as though his body wasn't his own. Sirius threw his head back and arched, coming with a groan that sent shivers up Remus' spine. He could feel it against his stomach, warm and wet, and he wished Sirius was lying flat atop him so he could wrap his legs around him and never let go.

Sirius lowered himself on shaking arms, collapsing at the last with a huff of breath. "Next time," he said against Remus' chest.

Remus' arms fell back against the dirt floor, bent at his sides in a 'V'. Not even Fiendfyre could get him to move right now. "Next time what?"

"You can wrap your legs around me."

Remus sucked in his breath. "Oh, god, did I say that out loud, too?"

"You said a lot of things out loud."

"Oh, god."

"You said that a lot, too."

"Oh, god!"

"Found religion, have you? I liked it. You're a very naughty boy, Moony. Nasty old thoughts running through that head of yours. Made it really hard not to come first."

"Was it a competition, then? I don't know if I should be mortified or pleased by that. Way to go, Lupin. You just shagged Sirius Black. You can die now. Well, maybe not just yet. Can't die before he sucks you off, can you? You've only imagined it half a hundred times."

He felt Sirius chuckling against him, and the heat rose to his face. He twitched the fingers of his right hand but couldn't muster the energy to smack himself in the head like he wanted to. He closed his eyes and grimaced.

"Make me stop. I didn't mean it."

"Not a chance," Sirius said, his right arm inching beneath Remus' robe and coming to rest against his nipple. He rubbed his finger over it and Remus' whole body twitched.

"S-Sirius!" He opened his eyes wide. His legs were like icicles now that they'd stopped moving, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care with Sirius' warm body weighing the rest of him down.

"Like that, do you? Mmm, good. I'll have to remember that." Sirius lifted his head, resting his chin on his other hand. "Think at me some more, Moony. What else do you want to do with me, eh?"

"Everything."

"Everything?" Sirius said, and Remus could hear the amusement in his voice. "Such as?"

"Where'd your wand get off to?" Remus said, groping above his head. "I'm going to stun myself."



James jerked up from where he'd been rummaging in Remus' trunk as they lumbered into the dormitory.

"Where the hell have you been? And where's the map? Peter just went to check if you'd gone to the hospital wing." He motioned to Remus' bed where a tray of food was set.

Sirius opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Remus' echoing mind-voice said, "For fuck's sake, Lupin, don't tell him you've been shagging! Ooh. Food! I'm definitely peckish.".

"What? Shagging?" James said, turning and narrowing his eyes at Sirius. "And here I was worried that he was actually ill! You let him out to shag some bird?"

"Worried my arse. He was afraid you were going to tell Lily about that time in the Prefect's bath when he was hiding under the cloak. Maybe you should tell him you were shagging Lily just to see his face. Mmmm! Steak and kidney pie! My favourite!"

"That's it. Silencio!"

Sirius shook his head and rubbed his lip, failing to hide his grin.

"Prongs is such a tosser." Remus took a bite of pie and smacked his lips, closing his eyes and swallowing. "Mmmmm, delicious. He thinks he's the only one allowed to take the piss. Just you wait. One day I'll get you but good. Only he can hear this just fine, so I don't have to wait. See how you like it, antler boy. Think you can Silence me, do you?" He swallowed another mouthful and scooped up some more, then turned to Sirius, smiling sweetly, and thought really loudly, "Want some, Padfoot? It's delicious."

Remus held his fork out to Sirius, glancing at James over his shoulder with a look of triumph. James stared back, gaping.

Sirius barked out a laugh and opened his mouth, slowly closing his lips over the tines. He chewed and swallowed and winked at Remus. He took out his wand and murmured, "Finite Incantatum. It's futile, Prongs. And anyway, Moony's already tried it on himself."

"Can't we ask Dumbledore if he knows any useful spells?" James asked, desperate.

"Yes, because I'd want to see Dumbledore right now so I can fail at not thinking about everything we've ever done under his nose, including your little animagus project. That would go over well. We'd all be expelled. Much better to stay here and eat steak and kidney pie and shag Sirius some more for afters."

"My kind of plan," Sirius said.

James narrowed his eyes. "Wait a minute. Where were you really?"

"Shagging, like Moony said."

"Quit taking the piss, would you? And if silencing charms don't work, can't we just try a gagging charm or something? And why have you got dirt all over your robes? Jesus Christ, you weren't really shagging, were you?"

Remus ate another bite, chewing slowly and deliberately not looking at James. "Oh, no. He doesn't sound very accepting. You didn't plan this out very well, did you. What if he's not all right with this? What if he hates you and thinks you're a bloody pervert who corrupted his best friend? Should have thought of a cover story. Should have-"

"Relax, Moony," Sirius said, taking Remus' chin and turning him to face him. "He knows already. Well, about me at least. Has for a while now." He looked past Remus' shoulder at James. "And we're not charming anything over Moony's mouth because I like his mouth and all the wicked things he knows how to do with it. Besides, it wouldn't work, either, and you're a daft bugger who doesn't listen," Sirius said, plucking the fork from Remus' fingers and scooping up an extra large forkful of pie and shovelling it into his mouth. "Mmmm, good," he said swallowing. "Anything else?"

"Yes, I've something else you can put in your mouth and swallow."

"See?" Sirius said. "Brilliant, isn't he?"

"Merlin's balls on a broomstick. Moony's bent as a bottle of chips, too? Christ, I need a drink."

Remus turned around and glared at James. "And what's that supposed to mean? Give us back our fork, Padfoot. So I can shove it up Prongs' nose."

Sirius swallowed hastily and scrambled to his knees, keeping the fork away from Remus' questing hands. "Don't be hasty. Moony. He needs his nose." He turned to James and smirked. "Moony here's been secretly gagging for me all term. Likes my cock quite a lot, if you know what I mean. Couldn't get enough of it. Not that I blame him. It is rather spectacular."

Remus sat up on his knees, reaching for the fork as Sirius tried desperately to keep it away from him. "Is that how he wants to play it? Maybe you should tell James about how you went twice in the passageway and then again in the sixth floor broom cupboard because Padfoot couldn't keep from groping your cock for five bloody minutes."

"Ugh! Stop it, the both of you! I don't care what you get up to, but for fuck's sake, I don't need to hear anything about your-your- Bugger me! No, wait. Don't. Shit! I don't even want to say it. I don't want to think about it!"

"Your arse is safe from me," Sirius said. "Can't speak for ol' Moony here, though. He's a fiend."

The door opened and Peter hurried in, out of breath. "Are they back, then?" he asked, and Remus glanced up from mauling Sirius to see Peter bending over with his hands on his knees. "Pomfrey. Said she'll"-he took a deep breath-"send up dreamless sleep potion for you later, Moony."

"Why couldn't she have sent it now? But there's a thought. Come on, Peter," James said, grabbing Peter by the arm and dragging him toward the open door.

"Where-?" Peter wheezed. "I ran all the way back-"

"I'm going to the library. You're going to see Slughorn," James said. "And you're not leaving until he finds an antidote."

Sirius snorted, still playing keep-away with Remus. "Library? You feeling a sudden urge to revise, or did you want to chat up Madame Pince?"

"Give me my fork back," Remus said, pouncing on Sirius' head.

"Now, now, Moony, violence never did anyone any good. I can feed you. Oi! Careful! You'll topple the tray."

Remus paused mid-grasp. "Food ... Violence. Padfoot feeding me ... Me shoving the fork up Prongs' nose. Well, that's a stumper."

"The sooner you eat, the sooner you can get to afters," Sirius said, taking the opportunity of Remus' uncertainty to reposition himself.

Remus looked down at Sirius' crotch, then back up to his face, a wicked grin spreading on his own. "Maybe you should skip supper and just go straight for-no, wait. Best give him some time. Probably can't get it up again just yet."

"Hey!" Sirius said. "I can go again right now. Want me to prove it?"

"Er, not while we have company," Remus said, blushing. "God, what is wrong with you? One bloody orgasm and you turn into a raging pervert. Well, all right, it was three orgasms, and they were brilliant, but that's still no excuse for losing all semblance of self-respect!"

Peter turned to James, completely bewildered. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Well, are they leaving or what? Hope they-Well, I'll be damned, he really wasn't kidding, was he?"

"Let's go, Wormy. Now, before I kill them both," James said, shaking his head and striding purposely for the door with Peter in tow.

"Hey, why are you going to the library, anyway?" Sirius called out.

"Don't stop them. Hmm. I wonder what Prongs would say if I took off Padfoot's robe right now."

James paused in the doorway, a pained look on his face. "Research," he said, glaring at them both. "If Slughorn hasn't found the antidote yet, I'm going to find some kind of spell that works if I have to invent one myself."

James slammed the door, and Sirius turned to Remus. "That went well. I think Prongs is happy for us."

"Prongs is lucky I couldn't get the fork back."

Sirius shook his head, smiling. "I wouldn't worry too much about him, if I were you. He's just jealous 'cause he's got nobody to polish his broomstick for him. And Evans will kill him long before you do," Sirius said, pushing the tray aside and crooking his finger at Remus.

"She was pretty angry at him over the potion," Remus said. "Hello, number four. Christ, you'll be lucky if your cock doesn't fall off before morning."

Sirius grinned even wider. "Well, yes, but that's not why."

"Why then?"

"We used a strand of Evans' hair when we made one of the mistletoe."

Remus stopped and stared at Sirius. "You mean ... But how could you be sure she'd think of him first? What if she thinks about snogging someone else?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Of course she'll think of him first and all of the nasty ways she wants to hex him. She'd know we made it."

"Hex him? She'll rip his bollocks off. And then kill him. And then you won't have to listen to his annoying whinging, and you can have Padfoot all to yourself ... Oh, bugger. Now he'll think your some kind of possessive git."

"Moony," Sirius said, grasping the hem of Remus' robes and pulling it over his head. "Stop thinking about Prongs and start thinking more about my cock again, would you? I liked those thoughts."

Remus shivered. "Right, because he thinks you've stopped thinking about it for more than thirty seconds at a time in the last year and a half."

"Year and a half? Moony!"

"I never-" Remus closed his eyes rubbed his temples. "Wait! Prongs! I'm sorry! Come back! I'll let you stun me! Maybe you can invent a brain freezing charm! Or a temporary obliviation spell!"

Sirius dived on top of Remus, pinning him to the bed. "Nuh-uh. I think I may have to hide that sleeping potion later."

"Oh, no you don't. I will not let you eavesdrop on my dreams. Even I don't remember them. Well, except for that really good one where- Oh, no, no, no, no! I am not going to tell you about my dreams."

"I bet I can make you," Sirius said, ducking his head and sucking Remus' left nipple into his mouth.

Remus made a sort of strangled sound that turned into an embarrassingly loud moan. "You're an evil bastard, Black."

"You're not going to try and pretend like you didn't know that, are you?" He moved to the right one.

"Ahhh! Why couldn't I have fancied a nice bloke?"

"I can be nice."

"You are not nice! Well, he is sometimes. And that did feel nice just now. And now that you've got a good look, his cock is rather nice as well. Would feel even nicer if I just-" He squirmed beneath Sirius. "Ah, right there."

"Mmmm ... Moony, Moony, Moony. What am I going to do with you?" Sirius said, licking a slow trail up Remus' chest and across his neck to just below his left ear.

"I can give you a list."

Sirius lifted his head and grinned. "Naughty boy, you. I'd best make sure to check it twice."