Fic: December 18th for LuminousGloom
Title: December 18th
Author/Artist: lhazzie
Recipient: luminousgloom
Rating: R
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *Contains scenes of a sexual nature *
Word count: 4,500
Summary: December 18th in three different years for Remus and Sirius. (Some deviation from canon)
Notes: Happy Christmas, Luminous! I originally claimed your first wish, for logs burning in a fireplace. What you’ve actually got is a three parter riffing on wish three (return after a long absence), with an appearance of the hot bath and mulled wine (as an alternative to christmas punch) from wish two.
A note on the title: researching some timings for the story I discovered that December 18th 1975 - the fullmoon was at approximately 2pm, GMT. In 1994 it was on December 18th at 2am, and in 1998, the 18th was a new moon. Which seemed fitting, so I went with that as a theme.
Thanks to brighty18 for the beta! Her comments were invaluable, and she’s saved you all from my terrible comma abuse. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
December 18th, 1975
“Sirius, are you awake?” Sirius rolled over and pulled the covers up over his head.
“Whazzat?” he mumbled, “Don’t wanna get up.”
There was the dull tap of the sound of a mug being placed on his bedside table, and a tall thin shadow shaped vaguely like Remus Lupin.
“I brought you tea. I’m heading down to the hospital wing shortly.” Remus said.
“You’re talking to me?” Sirius asked groggily, pushing himself up on one elbow, and peering up at Remus with confusion. “What time is it?”
“Still early, I wanted to talk to you before I have to head down to the Shack. I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring you.” Remus told him, not quite meeting his eye.
Sirius shifted back and patted the blanket to invite Remus to sit. Remus perched gingerly on the side of the bed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you could get in trouble. I just- you know what Snivellus is like!” Sirius told him earnestly.
“Yeah, I do, it’s ok.” Remus said, finally meeting Sirius’ eye and smiling. “Go back to sleep; the tea’ll stay hot for a couple of hours.”
Remus made to stand up, but Sirius reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“Wait, before you go-”
“Sirius, I don’t have time. Pomfrey’s expecting me, we need to head out before anyone’s up.”
“I’ve been thinking about how to make this up to you, and I want you to have one of my secrets in return.” Sirius dropped his gaze and let go of Remus' wrist only to draw his own knees up under the blankets and wrap his arms around them.
“Um, ok?” Remus hesitated, unused to seeing such insecure body language from Sirius.
“Remus. This is really difficult. I’ve not told anyone this before. The thing is. What it is. You know how I like girls and I keep asking them out and then they can’t say no because I’m so amazing?”
“Yes…”
“The things is, is that I sort of also like boys as well. The same way.”
“Oh. I- oh.” Remus stepped back with a jerk, putting distance between them.
“Look, if it’s a problem…”
“Is this some kind of joke? Remus demanded, sounding angry and confused, “Because I don’t think it’s very funny!”
“What? No! Why would I be joking?”
“How did you know? You can’t tell anyone, Sirius. I mean it!” Remus hissed frantically, trying to keep his voice low so as not to wake the others.
“I think it’s entirely up to me who I tell, actually!” Sirius hissed back in outrage.
“I have to go, really. Please, just don’t say anything.” Remus pleaded as he backed away from Sirius’ bed.
“But I-,” before he could finish, Remus had bolted, grabbing his cloak and darting out the room. “Well, fuck.”
There was a beat of silence, then-
“Is now a good time to mention that I’m not asleep?”
“Merlin, Prongs! Heart attack!” Sirius yelped, clutching at his chest.
“Sorry.” James pulled aside the curtains from his bed and padded over to Sirius' bed, climbing in at the foot and pulling an extra blanket around his shoulders.
“How much of that did you hear?” Sirius asked, biting his lip and refusing to meet James’ eye.
“All of it.”
“Oh. You don’t mind?”
“What’s to mind?”
“Ha fucking ha Prongs. You’re as pureblood as I am, you know it’s not ok.” Sirius finally looked up, searching James’ face for signs of disgust or rejection.
“We’re best friends. We’re brothers, even. Hell, you could go out on a murder spree or something and I’d still love you.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. You probably shouldn’t do the murder thing though. Azkaban probably won’t let me come and visit you and I need you to help me win fair Evans’ hand.” James said, grinning.
“No murders, I promise. You took this slightly better than Remus. I thought he’d be ok. He’s nice to everyone all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him run away in horror like that before.”
“Hmm,”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?” Sirius demanded, kicking James’ foot under the blankets.
“Just that we have seen him run away in horror like that before - when we told him we knew about his furry little problem.”
“That’s different though. That was him being scared we were going to beat him up or something. He was panicking.”
“Looked like he was panicking there to me.”
“You’re being smug. Tell me what you’re thinking before I punch you in the face.”
“I’m just saying that that his reaction was exactly the same. Like he was terrified that you’d found out something secret about him.”
“Secret like what?” Sirius asked.
“Are you actually a moron?” James said without much heat.
“I know you are but what am I?” Sirius taunted in return.
“Funny. I’m just saying, you told Moony that you play for both Quidditch teams, and he acted as if he was a hiding a secret…” James waggled his eyebrows and looked at Sirius expectantly.
“Wait, you think-?” Sirius frowned as it dawned on him what James was implying.
“He’s already on the other team!” James declared, beaming with pride at his deduction.
“Well, fuck me!”
“Nope, I’ll stick with the team I’m already on, thanks.” James told him, grinning.
“I’m never going to think of Quidditch the same way again.” Sirius muttered, “You won’t tell anyone about me, will you?”
“Of course not.”
“Not even Wormtail?”
“If that’s what you want. He’s not going to mind either though. None of us are going to ditch you, either of you, just for being a bit deviant.” James told him confidently.
“I know. I just. I don’t think I can really talk about it yet though.”
“Okay. I’m going to go back to sleep now. Wake me up when it’s time for breakfast, shirt-lifter.”
“Wake yourself up, wanker.”
“Fine, but I’m sleeping here. Don’t molest me when I’m asleep.” James curled round and got settled at the end of Sirius’ bed, using the other boy’s feet as a pillow.
“In your dreams, Prongs.” Sirius said. It wasn’t long before James’ snores filled the room. Sirius lay awake for a long time afterwards, thinking about Remus’ reaction and James’ theory.
***
December 18th, 1994
It was December again, and the day after a full moon. Remus shifted slowly, wondering why he had woken. His aching bones and the darkening sky outside the window told him that he’d slept most of the day after dragging his abused body from the cellar early that morning and collapsing wearily into his bed. He pushed himself upright and groped blindly for the glass of water on the bedside table. It wasn’t there.
Instead, there was a mug of hot tea.
Suddenly awake with an abrupt rush of adrenaline; he grabbed his wand, and strained to hear.
Strange, there was definitely the sound of running water and the smell of something warm and spicy, like cloves and cinnamon.
He padded soundlessly to the door, pausing to pull on his dressing gown and straining to hear any noise above the sound of his pulse thudding in his ears.
Hearing the sound of clattering dishes from the kitchen, he called out hoarsely,
“Who’s there?”
There was a sudden clang of a pan lid being dropped, then footsteps, then two hands appeared from the kitchen doorway (empty handed; not armed) followed by the rest of Sirius Black.
“Hi Moony,”
They stood facing each other at either end of the staircase for a moment. The first sight each had of the other since their emotionally charged reunion in the Shrieking Shack more than six months ago. Sirius still looked worn and exhausted and was still painfully thin. Remus looked as sickly as ever, never in the best health but especially not the day after a full moon.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Sirius continued after the long pause, “I let myself in; you were sleeping.”
“No, no it’s fine,” Remus began, but was overcome with a hacking cough. Sirius came up the stairs slowly, holding the banister for support, and stopped just out of reach.
“I’m running you a bath. I didn’t know what you would want. I remember that a soak in the bath always helped. Before.” he hovered nervously, afraid to reach out. He had forgotten so much over the years. He remembered that there should be a closeness here, a familiarity. But he didn’t remember how to do this. How to reach out and touch another human to offer comfort.
Remus regained control of his breathing, and extended a hand towards Sirius, but dropped it like he’d been shocked when Sirius flinched at the forgotten intimacy.
“Thank you. Really.” he turned back and limped slowly back to the bedroom. The aftermath of adrenaline and the shock of seeing Sirius again left him feeling shaky and confused.
Drink the tea, have a bath, sleep some more, he told himself, worry about the rest later. He was just so exhausted: a bone-deep, crushing weariness. It was all he could do to clamber back in bed and pull the duvet and blankets back up. He was asleep almost instantly, without taking even one sip of the tea.
-
When he woke up again a little while later, it was to the slow realisation that there was a heavy weight by his feet at the bottom of the bed, trapping the covers. Slow even breath was audible in the quiet room. The sound of running water and the clatter of pots and pans had stopped, but the perfumed smell in the air of Christmas spice still lingered.
He pushed himself up slowly on his elbows and reached out with a foot to prod the large dog sleeping on the end of the bed, visible in the dim light creeping through the half open bedroom door.
“Pads,” he coughed, and took a sip of cold tea, “Padfoot?”
The dog twitched slightly but did not wake up. Remus tried poking with his foot again, a little harder this time. The dog woke up with a jerk, ears pricked, and looking around in panic. When he saw Remus surveying him from the other end of the bed he relaxed, and with a soft hiss transformed into his human form.
“Hi, Moony,”
“You’ve said that already,” Remus told him, quirking an eyebrow. He picked up the cold cup of tea again, and stirred it with his wand, steam starting to rise from the mug as it re-heated.
“Did I scare you earlier?”
“I’ve fought off intruders way more intimidating than you, don’t worry.” he answered, “Ones who don’t look like they’d blow over in a strong breeze for a start.”
Sirius frowned. “That’s a little pot-kettle, isn’t it?”
“Takes one to know one,” Remus told him, “Did you say something about a bath?”
“Water should still be hot: I used a stayhotius charm on it.”
“Great, thanks.” Remus got slowly to his feet, pulling his dressing gown around himself and tightening the belt.
Sirius watched as Remus walked over to the door, and crossed the hallway to the bathroom. He moved stiffly, but without any sign of the limp he had sported earlier, Sirius noted.
Remus pushed the bathroom door behind him, but left it slightly ajar. Sirius watched the shadowy outline of his form as he disrobed. There was a quiet splash-woosh of water as Remus tested the temperature, followed by a louder noise as he stepped in and slowly sank down into the hot water.
Sirius shook his head to clear his thoughts and headed down to the kitchen. He filled two glasses with the hot, delicious-smelling wine from the pan on the stove, and placed them on a tray, levitating it ahead of him as he went back upstairs. He gathered warm towels from the airing cupboard and clean pyjamas trousers and a t-shirt from the wardrobe in Remus' bedroom. Then he knocked gently on the bathroom door.
“Come in,” Remus called.
Sirius pushed the bathroom door open and entered the steam-filled room. He placed the towels and clothes on the closed toilet lid and took one of the glasses of mulled wine from the tray, handing it to Remus. Remus was neck deep in the hot, bubbly bath water. Wet hair plastered to his head only emphasised his hollow cheekbones - suggesting longterm illness and under eating - but the blissful smile on his face as he basked in the hot water did wonders for his look of exhaustion and age.
“I made mulled wine.” Sirius told him.
“I can see that,” Remus told him. He frowned thoughtfully. “You seem nervous.”
“We used to be close.”
“We did,” Remus answered cautiously.
“I remember most things. I remember things that happened, facts. But it’s hard sometimes to recall feelings. I know things happened but I don’t always remember how I felt about them.”
“You spent thirteen years locked up with Dementors, Sirius, it’s to be expected. There was a study done in the ‘50s on it - they say that people who’ve had close contact with Dementors over a long time might never regain the memory of past emotions, but it shouldn’t stop you from forming new ones.”
“That’s not what is bothering me.”
“Then what is?”
Sirius sat down beside the bathtub and leaned his forehead against the cool ceramic.
“I think that we were together, but I don’t remember how I felt,” he said, his voice slightly muffled.
“We never defined it. Never called it a relationship. You still went on dating different girls in some sort of quest to prove to James and Lily that you were happier playing the field than they were being married. It was never official, we never told anyone about it. But yes, for all intents and purposes we were.”
“Oh,” he said quietly, looking thoughtful.
Remus reached out a wet hand and placed it on the back of Sirius neck. He squeezed gently, and then let go.
Another swoosh swirl of water as he sat up, reaching past Sirius to take one of the towels. He dried his hands and then leaned on the side of the bath, arms folded and his chin resting on them, looking directly down onto the top of Sirius' head.
He reached out a hand again and ruffled Sirius' hair, before sliding a hand down to the back of his neck pulling it back and using his thumb to tilt his chin upwards.
They studied each other for a long moment, faces just inches apart over the side of the tub. He stroked a thumb along Sirius’ strong jaw and bent slowly, pressing their lips together in an urgent kiss.
Sirius responded immediately and with desperation, scrambling up to his knees, arms wrapping around Remus' wet torso, struggling to find purchase against slick skin.
“I think we might be told old for this,” Remus murmured against the other man’s mouth.
“I really hope you’re only referring to the location and not the principle.”
Remus laughed quietly. “Yes, definitely the location!” he soothed a hand over Sirius' hair, slowing the frantic pace of their kissing.
Sirius groaned in frustration and tried to follow after as Remus pulled back. There was a dull thud as his elbow connected sharply with the edge of the bathtub.
“Ow, fuck!” he pulled back and examined the injured limb, rubbing at the skin to soothe the pain. “Okay you might be onto something there.” he sighed, and folded his arms on the side of the tub, resting his chin on them. “I’m going to leave you to your bath, and I’ll make some food.”
They shared one last lingering kiss before Sirius dragged himself reluctantly away.
-
When Remus, dressed in clean pyjamas and wrapped in his dressing gown, entered the kitchen, there was a large pot of stew bubbling on the stove alongside the still-steaming pan of mulled wine. Sirius was sitting at the scrubbed wooden table, studying a creased sheet of parchment and tapping the end of a quill thoughtfully against his lip. He frowned slightly and then pushed the crumpled paper away, and began writing on a blank page.
“What’re you writing?”
“Letter to Harry. He’s asking about the Triwizard Tournament. I really want to go and see him, Moony.”
“Not a good idea.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “So everyone keeps telling me.”
“It’s dangerous, Sirius. As much as you want to support him and be there for him, you’ll hardly be able to if you’re back in Azkaban and missing a soul.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Sirius snapped, scowling at Remus.
“I know you know that. I also know that you’re impulsive and you’re an excellent Godfather and that you want to help Harry.” Remus said patiently.
“You used to be less bossy.” Sirius told him, still sounding grumpy.
“You mean I didn’t used to challenge your hair-brained schemes?” Remus arched an eyebrow.
“Same thing.”
“I also used to be a teenager who was terrified of losing his friends, being outed as a werewolf, being outed as gay, and living life as a total outcast. But hey, all of that happened and it turns out that I coped. So, no, I’m not going to let you run off to see Harry in some well-meaning attempt to be there for him in the short term if it means you won’t get to be there for him in the long term. You lack impulse control; you always have. For example, turning up here unannounced when you’re not even supposed to be in the country. Want to tell me about that?”
Remus leaned against the kitchen table as he spoke. Sirius leant back in his chair and sighed, looking up at Remus.
“I wanted to be here for you for the full moon, but I didn’t make it back in time.” he explained.
“I’ve managed for nearly fourteen years by myself.” Remus told him gently.
“It’s Christmas next week; I didn’t want you to be alone for this one.” Sirius insisted.
“I’ve learned not to rely on anyone.” Remus shrugged.
“I’m sorry, Remus.” he told the other man, sounding anguished.
“I know. I’m not angry.”
“You ought to be.” Sirius stated. Remus sighed deeply before he spoke.
“I was, for a long time. I’m not anymore. Don’t worry about it.”
He soothed a hand over the back of Sirius’ hair, and Sirius carefully set aside the letter he was writing, and screwed to lid back onto the ink pot. He stood up, and grabbed hold of Remus’ wrist to stop him when the other man tried to move out of his way.
There was a charged moment when they simply stood, eye to eye, neither moving. Sirius took a cautious step closer, sliding his arm from Remus’ wrist, up to his shoulder. He leant in slowly, and gently pressed a kiss against Remus’ mouth.
Remus was still for a moment, and then with an urgent noise in his throat, he surged forwards, arms coming up to pull Sirius closer, kissing frantically.
Remus shed his bathrobe, letting Sirius tug the pyjama t-shirt over his head,
“Bed, Pads.” he pulled a threadbare sweatshirt over Sirius' head, pushing him backwards towards the kitchen door. He was still weak from last night’s transformation, but coming back to himself always left him feeling antsy and he loved the bodily reminder that he was a human again. He walked Sirius back against the wall, and then lifted him up.
Sirius was underweight from years in prison and months as a fugitive. He wrapped his legs around Remus’ waist, letting the werewolf carry him up the stairs, stumbling only once on the top step.
There was little finesse involved as Remus dropped the other man onto the bed, quickly shedding the rest of his clothes.
Sirius propped himself up on an elbow, and traced a hand down Remus’ scarred back, fingers tracing the outline of too-prominent ribs.
They kept eye contact while they fucked, but Sirius buried his face into Remus’ shoulder as he came with a choked off sob.
-
Later, they lay in bed. Sirius curled up behind Remus, spooning their knees. He pressed a kiss against the nape of Remus’ neck, and soothed a hand down his arm before tucking it in against his stomach.
“Stay for Christmas?” Remus asked quietly into the dark room.
“Yeah. Yes, ok.” There was a long pause, “I’ll have to leave again afterwards though.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok.”
***
December 18th 1998
“Hey, how was it?” Sirius asked, standing up from where he had been tending to the log fire. He crossed the room to greet Remus.
“Eh, you know…oh, hello!” Remus said happily as Sirius wrapped the other man in his arms and kissed him.
“I missed you.” Sirius told him, kissing and nipping down the side of his neck.
“I was only gone for a week.” Remus said. He pushed Sirius back long enough to shed his travelling cloak and come further into the room, collapsing down onto the sofa and pulling Sirius after him. The fire crackled and popped, shifting as the flames caught on a fresh log.
“A week too long. Tell me about the workshops.” Sirius settled over the taller man, leaning his weight on one arm, while he insinuated his other hand under Remus’ shirt, skimming his waist. He bent his head down for another kiss, which Remus met willingly. Remus grabbed his wand and with a flick of his wrist he switched off the lights, leaving the room lit only by the flickering orange light from the fire.
“Same as last time - werewolf rights, pros and cons of registration, licensing wolfsbane potion. It’s going to take years of this before there’s any consensus, let alone actual progress.”
“You’re hot when you’re trying to change the world.” Sirius told him, sitting up and shedding his own jumper and t-shirt.
“What did I miss here? Plans for Christmas coming together yet?” Remus followed Sirius as he sat back, and reached out to unbuckle his belt and unfasten the button on his trousers. Sirius unbuttoned the top few buttons of Remus’ dress shirt and then tugged it over his head, tossing it to the side.
“We’re definitely going to Andromeda’s for Christmas dinner, and I want to see Harry in the morning. Tonks is keen to bring baby Teddy here before we have to go to her mum’s though. She seems to think that if we all arrive together then ‘Dromeda is less likely to ask Dora more questions about Teddy’s parentage.” Sirius scrambled back and awkwardly kicked off his trousers and underwear, just managing to avoid a very undignified fall off the sofa. Remus helped steady him with a hand on his forearm.
“Like that will work.” Remus said with a wry grin.
“As long as there’s no awkward questions about our living arrangements instead.” Sirius told him, pushing Remus back down onto the sofa and unfastening his trousers. The fire spat and momentarily flared.
“I’m completely certain that she’s in no way fooled. You could just - ah, Sirius!- tell her, you know.” Remus groaned and tipped his head back as Sirius slid a hand into his open trousers and took hold of his cock.
“Not yet.” Sirius told him as he began to slowly, frustratingly slowly, move his hand.
“Okay, but I promise it will be fine.” Remus managed, breath coming in harsh pants. He arched up, pulling Sirius down with a hand on the back of his neck so that he could reach to kiss him.
“How do you know?” Sirius asked, increasing his pace.
“Because I have met the woman, Sirius. Your cousin did not bat an eyelid at my being a werewolf, she took it completely in her stride when you turned out to be totally innocent, she raised Tonks for Merlin’s sake. Oh god, do that again-”
“Dora is still scared of her.” Sirius said, pouting slightly. He repeated the action, loving hearing Remus come apart.
“You two are frighteningly alike.” Remus told him, gasping and biting down on Sirius’ shoulder.
“And yet she still won’t tell me who the brat’s dad is. I bet she’ll tell you.” Sirius worked his hand faster now, knowing Remus was close to the edge.
Remus growled low in his throat, and gripped Sirius’ bicep hard enough to bruise as he came. He rested his head back against the arm of the sofa.
“I doubt it.” he said, once he was sufficiently recovered to speak.
“You’re best friends and she has a ridiculous crush on you, of course she will.” Sirius said. Remus pushed him back against the other end of the sofa, and bent over him, licking a flat stripe up the underside of his cock.
“We’re not best friends; she’s an important colleague on the Panel for Transformative Magical Rights and Regulations,” he licked again. “And she doesn’t have a crush on me,” another lick, “Anymore.” he sucked Sirius into his mouth.
“Yeah, yeah. Can we stop -ah!- please stop talking about my cousin right now,” Sirius muttered.
“Okay.” Remus told him, grinning up at him wickedly, taking him into his mouth again.
“Moony, ah, your mouth,”
Remus huffed a laugh, air puffing from his nose.
Sirius tangled one hand in his hair, the other scrabbling against the sofa cushions behind him, his head thrown back and breath coming in short gasps.
“Remus, Moony, I-,” he groaned low and guttural as he came. Remus grinned and rocked back to sit on his heels. Sirius, collapsed backwards, looking dazed.
“My knees are going to regret this,” Remus said after a moment. Sirius laughed, high and slightly manic. “Come on, bed.”
“Give me a minute. I think you broke me.”
“To be fair I think we’re both far too old to fuck on the sofa. Want me to carry you?” Remus offered.
“Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?”
“Because of my manly strength?” Remus quirked a smile down at the other man.
“Because you’re you.” Sirius said quietly.
“I’m glad that we’re not dead.” Remus told him, grimacing in pain as his clambered to his feet. His joints and muscles protesting.
“Should we be?” Sirius asked.
“We’ve both had enough close calls. The slightest misstep or change in timing and we’d each of died loads of times.” he said.
Remus crossed the room and bent down to bank the fire and pull the guard in front of the flames. From the sofa Sirius cast a flame retardant spell on the hearth rug.
“You get morbid post-orgasm.” Sirius told him, stretching languidly. He reached out for his shirt, pulling it on to ward off the winter chill.
“You get sappy.”
“You love it.”
“Yeah, I do. Now come on, bed.”
Author/Artist: lhazzie
Recipient: luminousgloom
Rating: R
Contents or warnings (highlight to view): *Contains scenes of a sexual nature *
Word count: 4,500
Summary: December 18th in three different years for Remus and Sirius. (Some deviation from canon)
Notes: Happy Christmas, Luminous! I originally claimed your first wish, for logs burning in a fireplace. What you’ve actually got is a three parter riffing on wish three (return after a long absence), with an appearance of the hot bath and mulled wine (as an alternative to christmas punch) from wish two.
A note on the title: researching some timings for the story I discovered that December 18th 1975 - the fullmoon was at approximately 2pm, GMT. In 1994 it was on December 18th at 2am, and in 1998, the 18th was a new moon. Which seemed fitting, so I went with that as a theme.
Thanks to brighty18 for the beta! Her comments were invaluable, and she’s saved you all from my terrible comma abuse. Any remaining mistakes are my own.
December 18th, 1975
“Sirius, are you awake?” Sirius rolled over and pulled the covers up over his head.
“Whazzat?” he mumbled, “Don’t wanna get up.”
There was the dull tap of the sound of a mug being placed on his bedside table, and a tall thin shadow shaped vaguely like Remus Lupin.
“I brought you tea. I’m heading down to the hospital wing shortly.” Remus said.
“You’re talking to me?” Sirius asked groggily, pushing himself up on one elbow, and peering up at Remus with confusion. “What time is it?”
“Still early, I wanted to talk to you before I have to head down to the Shack. I’m sorry that I’ve been ignoring you.” Remus told him, not quite meeting his eye.
Sirius shifted back and patted the blanket to invite Remus to sit. Remus perched gingerly on the side of the bed.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you could get in trouble. I just- you know what Snivellus is like!” Sirius told him earnestly.
“Yeah, I do, it’s ok.” Remus said, finally meeting Sirius’ eye and smiling. “Go back to sleep; the tea’ll stay hot for a couple of hours.”
Remus made to stand up, but Sirius reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“Wait, before you go-”
“Sirius, I don’t have time. Pomfrey’s expecting me, we need to head out before anyone’s up.”
“I’ve been thinking about how to make this up to you, and I want you to have one of my secrets in return.” Sirius dropped his gaze and let go of Remus' wrist only to draw his own knees up under the blankets and wrap his arms around them.
“Um, ok?” Remus hesitated, unused to seeing such insecure body language from Sirius.
“Remus. This is really difficult. I’ve not told anyone this before. The thing is. What it is. You know how I like girls and I keep asking them out and then they can’t say no because I’m so amazing?”
“Yes…”
“The things is, is that I sort of also like boys as well. The same way.”
“Oh. I- oh.” Remus stepped back with a jerk, putting distance between them.
“Look, if it’s a problem…”
“Is this some kind of joke? Remus demanded, sounding angry and confused, “Because I don’t think it’s very funny!”
“What? No! Why would I be joking?”
“How did you know? You can’t tell anyone, Sirius. I mean it!” Remus hissed frantically, trying to keep his voice low so as not to wake the others.
“I think it’s entirely up to me who I tell, actually!” Sirius hissed back in outrage.
“I have to go, really. Please, just don’t say anything.” Remus pleaded as he backed away from Sirius’ bed.
“But I-,” before he could finish, Remus had bolted, grabbing his cloak and darting out the room. “Well, fuck.”
There was a beat of silence, then-
“Is now a good time to mention that I’m not asleep?”
“Merlin, Prongs! Heart attack!” Sirius yelped, clutching at his chest.
“Sorry.” James pulled aside the curtains from his bed and padded over to Sirius' bed, climbing in at the foot and pulling an extra blanket around his shoulders.
“How much of that did you hear?” Sirius asked, biting his lip and refusing to meet James’ eye.
“All of it.”
“Oh. You don’t mind?”
“What’s to mind?”
“Ha fucking ha Prongs. You’re as pureblood as I am, you know it’s not ok.” Sirius finally looked up, searching James’ face for signs of disgust or rejection.
“We’re best friends. We’re brothers, even. Hell, you could go out on a murder spree or something and I’d still love you.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem. You probably shouldn’t do the murder thing though. Azkaban probably won’t let me come and visit you and I need you to help me win fair Evans’ hand.” James said, grinning.
“No murders, I promise. You took this slightly better than Remus. I thought he’d be ok. He’s nice to everyone all the time. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him run away in horror like that before.”
“Hmm,”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?” Sirius demanded, kicking James’ foot under the blankets.
“Just that we have seen him run away in horror like that before - when we told him we knew about his furry little problem.”
“That’s different though. That was him being scared we were going to beat him up or something. He was panicking.”
“Looked like he was panicking there to me.”
“You’re being smug. Tell me what you’re thinking before I punch you in the face.”
“I’m just saying that that his reaction was exactly the same. Like he was terrified that you’d found out something secret about him.”
“Secret like what?” Sirius asked.
“Are you actually a moron?” James said without much heat.
“I know you are but what am I?” Sirius taunted in return.
“Funny. I’m just saying, you told Moony that you play for both Quidditch teams, and he acted as if he was a hiding a secret…” James waggled his eyebrows and looked at Sirius expectantly.
“Wait, you think-?” Sirius frowned as it dawned on him what James was implying.
“He’s already on the other team!” James declared, beaming with pride at his deduction.
“Well, fuck me!”
“Nope, I’ll stick with the team I’m already on, thanks.” James told him, grinning.
“I’m never going to think of Quidditch the same way again.” Sirius muttered, “You won’t tell anyone about me, will you?”
“Of course not.”
“Not even Wormtail?”
“If that’s what you want. He’s not going to mind either though. None of us are going to ditch you, either of you, just for being a bit deviant.” James told him confidently.
“I know. I just. I don’t think I can really talk about it yet though.”
“Okay. I’m going to go back to sleep now. Wake me up when it’s time for breakfast, shirt-lifter.”
“Wake yourself up, wanker.”
“Fine, but I’m sleeping here. Don’t molest me when I’m asleep.” James curled round and got settled at the end of Sirius’ bed, using the other boy’s feet as a pillow.
“In your dreams, Prongs.” Sirius said. It wasn’t long before James’ snores filled the room. Sirius lay awake for a long time afterwards, thinking about Remus’ reaction and James’ theory.
***
December 18th, 1994
It was December again, and the day after a full moon. Remus shifted slowly, wondering why he had woken. His aching bones and the darkening sky outside the window told him that he’d slept most of the day after dragging his abused body from the cellar early that morning and collapsing wearily into his bed. He pushed himself upright and groped blindly for the glass of water on the bedside table. It wasn’t there.
Instead, there was a mug of hot tea.
Suddenly awake with an abrupt rush of adrenaline; he grabbed his wand, and strained to hear.
Strange, there was definitely the sound of running water and the smell of something warm and spicy, like cloves and cinnamon.
He padded soundlessly to the door, pausing to pull on his dressing gown and straining to hear any noise above the sound of his pulse thudding in his ears.
Hearing the sound of clattering dishes from the kitchen, he called out hoarsely,
“Who’s there?”
There was a sudden clang of a pan lid being dropped, then footsteps, then two hands appeared from the kitchen doorway (empty handed; not armed) followed by the rest of Sirius Black.
“Hi Moony,”
They stood facing each other at either end of the staircase for a moment. The first sight each had of the other since their emotionally charged reunion in the Shrieking Shack more than six months ago. Sirius still looked worn and exhausted and was still painfully thin. Remus looked as sickly as ever, never in the best health but especially not the day after a full moon.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Sirius continued after the long pause, “I let myself in; you were sleeping.”
“No, no it’s fine,” Remus began, but was overcome with a hacking cough. Sirius came up the stairs slowly, holding the banister for support, and stopped just out of reach.
“I’m running you a bath. I didn’t know what you would want. I remember that a soak in the bath always helped. Before.” he hovered nervously, afraid to reach out. He had forgotten so much over the years. He remembered that there should be a closeness here, a familiarity. But he didn’t remember how to do this. How to reach out and touch another human to offer comfort.
Remus regained control of his breathing, and extended a hand towards Sirius, but dropped it like he’d been shocked when Sirius flinched at the forgotten intimacy.
“Thank you. Really.” he turned back and limped slowly back to the bedroom. The aftermath of adrenaline and the shock of seeing Sirius again left him feeling shaky and confused.
Drink the tea, have a bath, sleep some more, he told himself, worry about the rest later. He was just so exhausted: a bone-deep, crushing weariness. It was all he could do to clamber back in bed and pull the duvet and blankets back up. He was asleep almost instantly, without taking even one sip of the tea.
-
When he woke up again a little while later, it was to the slow realisation that there was a heavy weight by his feet at the bottom of the bed, trapping the covers. Slow even breath was audible in the quiet room. The sound of running water and the clatter of pots and pans had stopped, but the perfumed smell in the air of Christmas spice still lingered.
He pushed himself up slowly on his elbows and reached out with a foot to prod the large dog sleeping on the end of the bed, visible in the dim light creeping through the half open bedroom door.
“Pads,” he coughed, and took a sip of cold tea, “Padfoot?”
The dog twitched slightly but did not wake up. Remus tried poking with his foot again, a little harder this time. The dog woke up with a jerk, ears pricked, and looking around in panic. When he saw Remus surveying him from the other end of the bed he relaxed, and with a soft hiss transformed into his human form.
“Hi, Moony,”
“You’ve said that already,” Remus told him, quirking an eyebrow. He picked up the cold cup of tea again, and stirred it with his wand, steam starting to rise from the mug as it re-heated.
“Did I scare you earlier?”
“I’ve fought off intruders way more intimidating than you, don’t worry.” he answered, “Ones who don’t look like they’d blow over in a strong breeze for a start.”
Sirius frowned. “That’s a little pot-kettle, isn’t it?”
“Takes one to know one,” Remus told him, “Did you say something about a bath?”
“Water should still be hot: I used a stayhotius charm on it.”
“Great, thanks.” Remus got slowly to his feet, pulling his dressing gown around himself and tightening the belt.
Sirius watched as Remus walked over to the door, and crossed the hallway to the bathroom. He moved stiffly, but without any sign of the limp he had sported earlier, Sirius noted.
Remus pushed the bathroom door behind him, but left it slightly ajar. Sirius watched the shadowy outline of his form as he disrobed. There was a quiet splash-woosh of water as Remus tested the temperature, followed by a louder noise as he stepped in and slowly sank down into the hot water.
Sirius shook his head to clear his thoughts and headed down to the kitchen. He filled two glasses with the hot, delicious-smelling wine from the pan on the stove, and placed them on a tray, levitating it ahead of him as he went back upstairs. He gathered warm towels from the airing cupboard and clean pyjamas trousers and a t-shirt from the wardrobe in Remus' bedroom. Then he knocked gently on the bathroom door.
“Come in,” Remus called.
Sirius pushed the bathroom door open and entered the steam-filled room. He placed the towels and clothes on the closed toilet lid and took one of the glasses of mulled wine from the tray, handing it to Remus. Remus was neck deep in the hot, bubbly bath water. Wet hair plastered to his head only emphasised his hollow cheekbones - suggesting longterm illness and under eating - but the blissful smile on his face as he basked in the hot water did wonders for his look of exhaustion and age.
“I made mulled wine.” Sirius told him.
“I can see that,” Remus told him. He frowned thoughtfully. “You seem nervous.”
“We used to be close.”
“We did,” Remus answered cautiously.
“I remember most things. I remember things that happened, facts. But it’s hard sometimes to recall feelings. I know things happened but I don’t always remember how I felt about them.”
“You spent thirteen years locked up with Dementors, Sirius, it’s to be expected. There was a study done in the ‘50s on it - they say that people who’ve had close contact with Dementors over a long time might never regain the memory of past emotions, but it shouldn’t stop you from forming new ones.”
“That’s not what is bothering me.”
“Then what is?”
Sirius sat down beside the bathtub and leaned his forehead against the cool ceramic.
“I think that we were together, but I don’t remember how I felt,” he said, his voice slightly muffled.
“We never defined it. Never called it a relationship. You still went on dating different girls in some sort of quest to prove to James and Lily that you were happier playing the field than they were being married. It was never official, we never told anyone about it. But yes, for all intents and purposes we were.”
“Oh,” he said quietly, looking thoughtful.
Remus reached out a wet hand and placed it on the back of Sirius neck. He squeezed gently, and then let go.
Another swoosh swirl of water as he sat up, reaching past Sirius to take one of the towels. He dried his hands and then leaned on the side of the bath, arms folded and his chin resting on them, looking directly down onto the top of Sirius' head.
He reached out a hand again and ruffled Sirius' hair, before sliding a hand down to the back of his neck pulling it back and using his thumb to tilt his chin upwards.
They studied each other for a long moment, faces just inches apart over the side of the tub. He stroked a thumb along Sirius’ strong jaw and bent slowly, pressing their lips together in an urgent kiss.
Sirius responded immediately and with desperation, scrambling up to his knees, arms wrapping around Remus' wet torso, struggling to find purchase against slick skin.
“I think we might be told old for this,” Remus murmured against the other man’s mouth.
“I really hope you’re only referring to the location and not the principle.”
Remus laughed quietly. “Yes, definitely the location!” he soothed a hand over Sirius' hair, slowing the frantic pace of their kissing.
Sirius groaned in frustration and tried to follow after as Remus pulled back. There was a dull thud as his elbow connected sharply with the edge of the bathtub.
“Ow, fuck!” he pulled back and examined the injured limb, rubbing at the skin to soothe the pain. “Okay you might be onto something there.” he sighed, and folded his arms on the side of the tub, resting his chin on them. “I’m going to leave you to your bath, and I’ll make some food.”
They shared one last lingering kiss before Sirius dragged himself reluctantly away.
-
When Remus, dressed in clean pyjamas and wrapped in his dressing gown, entered the kitchen, there was a large pot of stew bubbling on the stove alongside the still-steaming pan of mulled wine. Sirius was sitting at the scrubbed wooden table, studying a creased sheet of parchment and tapping the end of a quill thoughtfully against his lip. He frowned slightly and then pushed the crumpled paper away, and began writing on a blank page.
“What’re you writing?”
“Letter to Harry. He’s asking about the Triwizard Tournament. I really want to go and see him, Moony.”
“Not a good idea.”
Sirius rolled his eyes. “So everyone keeps telling me.”
“It’s dangerous, Sirius. As much as you want to support him and be there for him, you’ll hardly be able to if you’re back in Azkaban and missing a soul.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Sirius snapped, scowling at Remus.
“I know you know that. I also know that you’re impulsive and you’re an excellent Godfather and that you want to help Harry.” Remus said patiently.
“You used to be less bossy.” Sirius told him, still sounding grumpy.
“You mean I didn’t used to challenge your hair-brained schemes?” Remus arched an eyebrow.
“Same thing.”
“I also used to be a teenager who was terrified of losing his friends, being outed as a werewolf, being outed as gay, and living life as a total outcast. But hey, all of that happened and it turns out that I coped. So, no, I’m not going to let you run off to see Harry in some well-meaning attempt to be there for him in the short term if it means you won’t get to be there for him in the long term. You lack impulse control; you always have. For example, turning up here unannounced when you’re not even supposed to be in the country. Want to tell me about that?”
Remus leaned against the kitchen table as he spoke. Sirius leant back in his chair and sighed, looking up at Remus.
“I wanted to be here for you for the full moon, but I didn’t make it back in time.” he explained.
“I’ve managed for nearly fourteen years by myself.” Remus told him gently.
“It’s Christmas next week; I didn’t want you to be alone for this one.” Sirius insisted.
“I’ve learned not to rely on anyone.” Remus shrugged.
“I’m sorry, Remus.” he told the other man, sounding anguished.
“I know. I’m not angry.”
“You ought to be.” Sirius stated. Remus sighed deeply before he spoke.
“I was, for a long time. I’m not anymore. Don’t worry about it.”
He soothed a hand over the back of Sirius’ hair, and Sirius carefully set aside the letter he was writing, and screwed to lid back onto the ink pot. He stood up, and grabbed hold of Remus’ wrist to stop him when the other man tried to move out of his way.
There was a charged moment when they simply stood, eye to eye, neither moving. Sirius took a cautious step closer, sliding his arm from Remus’ wrist, up to his shoulder. He leant in slowly, and gently pressed a kiss against Remus’ mouth.
Remus was still for a moment, and then with an urgent noise in his throat, he surged forwards, arms coming up to pull Sirius closer, kissing frantically.
Remus shed his bathrobe, letting Sirius tug the pyjama t-shirt over his head,
“Bed, Pads.” he pulled a threadbare sweatshirt over Sirius' head, pushing him backwards towards the kitchen door. He was still weak from last night’s transformation, but coming back to himself always left him feeling antsy and he loved the bodily reminder that he was a human again. He walked Sirius back against the wall, and then lifted him up.
Sirius was underweight from years in prison and months as a fugitive. He wrapped his legs around Remus’ waist, letting the werewolf carry him up the stairs, stumbling only once on the top step.
There was little finesse involved as Remus dropped the other man onto the bed, quickly shedding the rest of his clothes.
Sirius propped himself up on an elbow, and traced a hand down Remus’ scarred back, fingers tracing the outline of too-prominent ribs.
They kept eye contact while they fucked, but Sirius buried his face into Remus’ shoulder as he came with a choked off sob.
-
Later, they lay in bed. Sirius curled up behind Remus, spooning their knees. He pressed a kiss against the nape of Remus’ neck, and soothed a hand down his arm before tucking it in against his stomach.
“Stay for Christmas?” Remus asked quietly into the dark room.
“Yeah. Yes, ok.” There was a long pause, “I’ll have to leave again afterwards though.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok.”
***
December 18th 1998
“Hey, how was it?” Sirius asked, standing up from where he had been tending to the log fire. He crossed the room to greet Remus.
“Eh, you know…oh, hello!” Remus said happily as Sirius wrapped the other man in his arms and kissed him.
“I missed you.” Sirius told him, kissing and nipping down the side of his neck.
“I was only gone for a week.” Remus said. He pushed Sirius back long enough to shed his travelling cloak and come further into the room, collapsing down onto the sofa and pulling Sirius after him. The fire crackled and popped, shifting as the flames caught on a fresh log.
“A week too long. Tell me about the workshops.” Sirius settled over the taller man, leaning his weight on one arm, while he insinuated his other hand under Remus’ shirt, skimming his waist. He bent his head down for another kiss, which Remus met willingly. Remus grabbed his wand and with a flick of his wrist he switched off the lights, leaving the room lit only by the flickering orange light from the fire.
“Same as last time - werewolf rights, pros and cons of registration, licensing wolfsbane potion. It’s going to take years of this before there’s any consensus, let alone actual progress.”
“You’re hot when you’re trying to change the world.” Sirius told him, sitting up and shedding his own jumper and t-shirt.
“What did I miss here? Plans for Christmas coming together yet?” Remus followed Sirius as he sat back, and reached out to unbuckle his belt and unfasten the button on his trousers. Sirius unbuttoned the top few buttons of Remus’ dress shirt and then tugged it over his head, tossing it to the side.
“We’re definitely going to Andromeda’s for Christmas dinner, and I want to see Harry in the morning. Tonks is keen to bring baby Teddy here before we have to go to her mum’s though. She seems to think that if we all arrive together then ‘Dromeda is less likely to ask Dora more questions about Teddy’s parentage.” Sirius scrambled back and awkwardly kicked off his trousers and underwear, just managing to avoid a very undignified fall off the sofa. Remus helped steady him with a hand on his forearm.
“Like that will work.” Remus said with a wry grin.
“As long as there’s no awkward questions about our living arrangements instead.” Sirius told him, pushing Remus back down onto the sofa and unfastening his trousers. The fire spat and momentarily flared.
“I’m completely certain that she’s in no way fooled. You could just - ah, Sirius!- tell her, you know.” Remus groaned and tipped his head back as Sirius slid a hand into his open trousers and took hold of his cock.
“Not yet.” Sirius told him as he began to slowly, frustratingly slowly, move his hand.
“Okay, but I promise it will be fine.” Remus managed, breath coming in harsh pants. He arched up, pulling Sirius down with a hand on the back of his neck so that he could reach to kiss him.
“How do you know?” Sirius asked, increasing his pace.
“Because I have met the woman, Sirius. Your cousin did not bat an eyelid at my being a werewolf, she took it completely in her stride when you turned out to be totally innocent, she raised Tonks for Merlin’s sake. Oh god, do that again-”
“Dora is still scared of her.” Sirius said, pouting slightly. He repeated the action, loving hearing Remus come apart.
“You two are frighteningly alike.” Remus told him, gasping and biting down on Sirius’ shoulder.
“And yet she still won’t tell me who the brat’s dad is. I bet she’ll tell you.” Sirius worked his hand faster now, knowing Remus was close to the edge.
Remus growled low in his throat, and gripped Sirius’ bicep hard enough to bruise as he came. He rested his head back against the arm of the sofa.
“I doubt it.” he said, once he was sufficiently recovered to speak.
“You’re best friends and she has a ridiculous crush on you, of course she will.” Sirius said. Remus pushed him back against the other end of the sofa, and bent over him, licking a flat stripe up the underside of his cock.
“We’re not best friends; she’s an important colleague on the Panel for Transformative Magical Rights and Regulations,” he licked again. “And she doesn’t have a crush on me,” another lick, “Anymore.” he sucked Sirius into his mouth.
“Yeah, yeah. Can we stop -ah!- please stop talking about my cousin right now,” Sirius muttered.
“Okay.” Remus told him, grinning up at him wickedly, taking him into his mouth again.
“Moony, ah, your mouth,”
Remus huffed a laugh, air puffing from his nose.
Sirius tangled one hand in his hair, the other scrabbling against the sofa cushions behind him, his head thrown back and breath coming in short gasps.
“Remus, Moony, I-,” he groaned low and guttural as he came. Remus grinned and rocked back to sit on his heels. Sirius, collapsed backwards, looking dazed.
“My knees are going to regret this,” Remus said after a moment. Sirius laughed, high and slightly manic. “Come on, bed.”
“Give me a minute. I think you broke me.”
“To be fair I think we’re both far too old to fuck on the sofa. Want me to carry you?” Remus offered.
“Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?”
“Because of my manly strength?” Remus quirked a smile down at the other man.
“Because you’re you.” Sirius said quietly.
“I’m glad that we’re not dead.” Remus told him, grimacing in pain as his clambered to his feet. His joints and muscles protesting.
“Should we be?” Sirius asked.
“We’ve both had enough close calls. The slightest misstep or change in timing and we’d each of died loads of times.” he said.
Remus crossed the room and bent down to bank the fire and pull the guard in front of the flames. From the sofa Sirius cast a flame retardant spell on the hearth rug.
“You get morbid post-orgasm.” Sirius told him, stretching languidly. He reached out for his shirt, pulling it on to ward off the winter chill.
“You get sappy.”
“You love it.”
“Yeah, I do. Now come on, bed.”