Never-Finished Fic: How I Became Your Mother (Ted/Barney mpreg)
This is the last of my unfinished fics for 2008, and for being an unfinished fic, it's surprisingly complete.
How I Became Your Mother
"I can't believe it!" Barney's exclamation interrupted Lily's story about the kids in her class, school supplies, and a radiator.
"I know!" Lily agreed. "Who knew you could do that with paste?"
"No, not your little story," Barney said. "I can't believe that I'm in a bar full of beautiful women and I just want to go home with Ted." He glared balefully around the table. "James and Tom were here last week. Do you think monogamy is contagious?"
"I think Ted is contagious," Marshall said. When everyone just looked at him, he said, "Yeah, I know, that made no sense."
"That's it," Lily said. "You're cut off." She pushed Marshall's glass away from him. "We're going home." She stood and pulled Marshall up with her. "You coming with us?"
Barney scowled, but downed his drink, said, "Yes," and stood up. He defiantly held out his hand to Ted, and when Ted took it, he refused to let go.
***
The truth is, kids, that I worried about that. What if Barney's monogamy was just a temporary effect brought on by James and Tom's visit? But then it happened.
***
"I don't think he's coming," Ted said.
"He'll be here," Marshall said. When they all looked at him as if to say, "What do you know?" he added, "We're his only friends. Where else is he going to go?"
"We're not his only friends," Robin said.
"Maybe not," Lily said. "I mean, have any of us ever met anyone else who's friends with Barney?"
There was silence. "Look," Ted said, breaking it, "that's not the point."
"Not the point of what?" Barney slid into the booth next to Ted, pressing the length of his thigh against Ted's.
"Oh, uh, nothing." Ted picked up his drink and sipped at it.
"It didn't sound like nothing."
"It was," Ted insisted.
Barney gave him a disbelieving look and turned to the rest of the table.
"Ted was worried you weren't going to show up," Marshall said after a pause.
"Marshall." Ted turned to Barney. "I wasn't worried. Just wondering."
"He was worried," Robin confirmed.
"It's Monday night. Margaritas at McLaren's. Where else would I be?" Barney threw an arm around Ted and held up his margarita in a silent toast.
***
The truth is, kids, I was worried. I'd never known Barney to sleep with the same girl more than twice, or a man even once. But he did show up that night, and every night that week.
***
"This club is totally awesome," Barney promised on Friday night. "It's going to be legendary."
"You always say it's going to be legendary," Marshall complained, but he put on his coat anyway.
"And it always is. Ted, back me up on this."
"Oh, some of the times we've had certainly are tales to tell."
"You'll love it."
So they went to the club. To Ted, it didn't seem any different from any other club they'd been to, and he'd said so to Barney.
"Ted, look around you. This place is great! Come on." Barney grabbed his hand and took
Ted up the stairs to the suspended dance floor. "Isn't this awesome?" he shouted over the music as he took Ted out onto the floor.
***
And, kids, that's when it happened.
***
"Come home with me."
"What?"
Barney pulled Ted closer. "Come home with me."
***
That's right, kids. Barney invited me back to his place. And instead of kicking me out in the morning, he sent me into the kitchen to make breakfast.
***
"No," Marshall said.
"Yes," Ted confirmed.
"I can't believe Barney invited you back to his place," Lily said.
"I can't believe he let you make breakfast," Robin added.
"I make a mean piece of toast," Ted defended himself.
"Mean is right. I've eaten your toast," Lily said.
"It's not that bad," Ted protested. "Okay," he relented after a moment, "I burned the first two pieces, but after that it was fine."
"Yeah, because after that we went to Claudette's." Barney leaned over to kiss Ted's cheek before settling into his usual chair. "Their crepes are legendary."
"You eat crepes?"
"Robin," Barney lectured, "crepes are a fine French food. Do you know how many girls I've impressed with my knowledge of French food?"
"Not as many as you've impressed with you knowledge of French--" Robin caught sight of Ted's expression and broke off.
"I'm going to get another drink," Ted announced brightly. "Anyone else want anything?" He barely waited for an answer before heading to the farthest end of the bar to get Carl's attention.
"Nice going, Robin."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know it would bother him."
"This," Barney declared, "is why I never get 'involved,'" complete with air quotes, "with the women I sleep with." He downed his drink and intercepted Ted on his way back from the bar. "You're the only girl I'm impressing these days."
"Barney--"
Barney shut him up by kissing him, right in the middle of McLaren's.
***
Yes, kids, it was a French kiss, and it was impressive.
***
"Ted called," Marshall said, sitting across from Barney. "He had to work late."
"And he called you?"
"He is our best friend," Lily pointed out as she arrived with drinks.
"He's not sleeping with you," Barney grumbled, and then he looked up, interested. "Unless he is sleeping with you?"
"He's our best friend," Lily repeated, "not our ménage à trois."
"Damn." Barney looked back down at his drink. "That would make things easier. Or-" He looked up again, "wait for it - foursome."
Marshall made a face. "With you? No. Dude, what is up with you?"
"Yeah," Lily said. "You're acting not like Barney at all."
"I know." Barney sank further down into the booth and mumbled something too low for them to hear.
"What was that?"
"I said," Barney said with a sigh, "Thursday is our two-monthaversary."
Marshall laughed and Lily pointed at him. "You're counting!"
"I know. It's disgusting."
"What's disgusting?" Ted deposited another round of drinks on the table and dropped into the booth next to Barney. He looked around the table, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.
Lily caved. "Barney's counting!"
That didn't help. "Is this something you have to be a kindergarten teacher to appreciate?" he asked.
"Thursday is our two-monthaversary," Barney said, not looking at him.
"I know," Ted answered reasonably. "Would it be weird if I sent you flowers at work? Because I kind of want to."
"You don't think this is weird?" Barney asked incredulously.
"No." Ted paused in the act of lifting his glass to his mouth. "Why? Should I?"
"I'm Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson doesn't have long-term monogomous relationships. And he certainly doesn't keep track of how long it's been."
"Awww," Lily said, "I think it's sweet."
"It is kind of sweet," Marshall agreed.
Ted draped one arm over Barney's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "Maybe this is the new Barney Stinson." He considered for a moment while Barney finished off his drink and picked up the new one Ted had brought him. "I'll send you flowers on Thursday. Do you like roses?"
***
I did send him roses, kids, and we both kept counting. And then your Aunt Lily gave us the good news.
***
Lily raised her drink. "I have an announcement to make." She looked over at Marshall and corrected herself. "We have an announcement to make."
Barney took one look at their matching attempts to hold it in and announce it properly and knew what it was.
"Oh, no. You're pregnant."
Lily and Marshall's faces fell.
"Yeah, we are," Lily retorted, "and thanks for ruining the big moment."
"Oh my gosh, that's great!" Ted enthused. "We should go buy a catcher's mitt right now."
"Way ahead of you, buddy." Marshall held up a child-sized mitt.
"Oh, well, it's great for you," Barney complained, "but now you're going to be all non-drinking and staying in and going home early, and then there's Ted."
"Me? What about me?" Ted said at the same time Lily said, "What about Ted?"
"Now he's going to want kids too."
"I always wanted kids," Ted said at the same time Marshall said, "Ted's always wanted kids."
"Well, yeah," Barney said, "someday. But now he's going to want kids now."
Ted slung an arm around Barney's shoulders. "Don't you want to be the mother of my children?"
"Please. You'd be the mother of mine."
***
Ted stood up and turned around to rinse his mouth at the sink. He was just spitting when Lily rushed in. "Pregnant woman coming through!"
The sound of Lily retching behind him almost made Ted throw up again. He escaped the bathroom before that became reality.
He called in sick and spent the morning on the couch feeling nauseous. By lunch, he was feeling normal, and he spent the afternoon playing Nintendo and calling Marshall and Barney at work.
The next day was much the same.
On the third day, he didn't call in sick right away.
"You know, I felt better in the afternoon," he mused when he came out of the bathroom.
"Here." Lily handed him a box of saltines. "These help."
Ted dug into them. It did help.
"Maybe you're pregnant, too," Marshall opined, and they all laughed.
"Maybe it's sympathy pains, like Mac on that episode of Night Court," Lily suggested.
"Then shouldn't I be having them?" Marshall asked.
"Yeah," Ted agreed, "and didn't he have appendicitis anyway?"
Lily considered that. "Yeah, I think you're right."
The saltines helped, and Ted got dressed and went to work.
He had saltines for breakfast every day for a week, and then he, Barney, and Robin went with Lily and Marshall to their obstetrician appointment for their first ultrasound.
"There you go," their doctor said, and pointed to the screen. "There's your baby."
They all squinted at the lines on the screen.
"You can't see anything," Barney complained.
"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"
"No," Lily said at the same time Marshall said, "Yes."
"We could be here all day," Robin said over the sound of their bickering. "Excuse me," she said to the doctor. "Can men really have sympathy pains? Because Ted's been sick every morning for a week and a half, and he lives with Lily and Marshall."
"It's certainly possible," the doctor said. She eyed Lily and Marshall. "Usually we see that in the father of the baby."
Lily interrupted her argument with Marshall to tell the doctor, "Marshall thinks Ted might be pregnant."
The doctor laughed. "I very much doubt that."
"Hey, let's see!" Marshall pointed to the ultrasound screen where it was still showing his and Lily's child. "Hook Ted up to this, and let's see."
The doctor glanced at the clock. "My next appointment canceled. I was going to catch up on paperwork, but we could squeeze in an extra ultrasound."
"No," Ted protested.
"Come on, Ted," Barney urged. "It's not that often a strange woman puts slimy gel on your stomach and takes a picture of the insides."
Robin made a face. "That is more than I want to know about your sex life."
Barney looked interested, and eyed the doctor speculatively. "I hadn't thought about it, but now that you mention it--"
"No." Ted lay down on the table and lifted up his shirt. "I will get the ultrasound, but nothing else."
The doctor seemed to take this in stride, and she rubbed the gel over Ted's stomach and slid the ultrasound thing over it. After a few moments where they all looked at an incomprehensible bunch of lines, she frowned. "Hmmm."
"Hmm?" Ted twisted to look at her. "What do you mean, hmmm? That doesn't sound good."
"Calm down, Ted," Robin said reasonably. "I'm sure everything's fine. Everything is fine, right?"
"That's odd," the doctor muttered. She did something to the screen, and the display went black and then came up again. "Very odd." She pasted on a smile and said, "Wait here a moment."
The five of them looked at each other. "That can't be good, right?" Ted asked with rising panic.
"I'm sure it's nothing," Lily said, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Come on, Ted," Barney reasoned, "what would happen to you?"
"Yeah," Ted said. "Nothing happens to me. Oh, wait. Where did you spend the night last night? Oh, yeah, that's right, in my bed."
Barney made a patented Barney noise of incredulity. "That's not the same thing."
Lily, Marshall, and Robin all took a step back.
Luckily, the doctor came back just then. Unluckily, she had two other people with her. The three of them conferred in an undertone.
"That's just not possible!" Ted heard one of them say.
They finally turned to face him, with varying looks of resignation, confusion, and interest.
"Congratulations, Mr. Mosby," Lily's doctor said. "You're having twins," and everything went black.
"Ted, Ted!"
Ted came back to the world to their combined voices and Barney's hand lightly slapping him on the cheek.
"Did she say twins?" he asked weakly.
"I did," the doctor confirmed.
"Ted, do you know what this means?" Barney asked.
"Three kids in diapers at once?" Lily hazarded. Now it was Marshall who looked like he might faint.
"Two more people to teach to shoot?" Robin suggested.
"Okay," Ted said, "Robin is never, ever babysitting our kids."
"Babies, Ted." The grin nearly split Barney's face. "We're going to have babies!" He bent over Ted and kissed him hard.
***
The thing you should know about Barney, kids, is that he loves babies. Put one in his arms, and he'll just melt all over the place.
***
"Do you want to know the sex of the babies?" the doctor asked when they came back a couple of weeks later.
"Yes," Ted and Barney said together.
The doctor moved the ultrasound wand thing, peered at the screen, and announced, "It's a boy and a girl."
"A boy and a girl," Ted mused. He glanced at the monitor and looked back to find a sly, scheming look on Barney's face.
Barney put his hand on Ted's stomach, just above the gel for the ultrasound. "Our own little Luke and Leia."
Ted smiled sweetly up at him. "At least we don't have to argue about names."
"You're really going to name them Luke and Leia?" Marshall asked. "That's awesome!"
"That's crazy," Robin disagreed. "They're going to be miserable in school. Lily, tell them."
"Oh, they'll get teased all right," Lily confirmed. "But they'll be able to use the Force, so they might be okay."
"Fine," Robin said, "but when I'm doing a story about social outcasts featuring your kids, I'm gonna say I told you so."
When they were done, Barney hailed two cabs - one to send Robin back to work and one to take the rest of them home - and then was quiet, huddled over his phone.
Ted finally leaned over the front seat and asked, "What are you doing?"
Barney flashed the screen at him where he could see sentences in an input box. "Uploading the baby picture to my blog."
***
I don't need to tell you about that blog entry, kids. It's in your baby book.
***
Marshall and Lily dragged Ted out of the apartment and down to McLaren's.
"I can't even drink," he protested, but they insisted he needed to get out of the house anyway.
Barney was already there, flirting with a girl at the bar. She was touching his arm and smiling at him, and she looked to be about one veiled suggestion away from leaving with him.
Old Ted might have backed out of the bar and complained bitterly to Lily and Marshall. New Ted was pregnant and angry, so he stalked over to them, put his arm around Barney, and smiled falsely at the girl.
"I'm six months pregnant with his children," he informed her.
"Ted! I didn't think you'd be here."
Ted removed his arm from Barney's body and took a step back. "Obviously."
Barney at least had the grace to look chagrined. "Look, Ted--"
"No," Ted said, "I don't want to hear it." He started to walk away and came back. "I'm six months pregnant, and you're down here hitting on girls."
"Ted," Barney protested, "it didn't mean anything."
"Maybe that's the point!" And then old Ted made an appearance and instead of staying to fight it out, Ted went home and fell asleep waiting for Marshall and Lily to come home.
***
I woke up on the couch feeling stupid and hurt. And in pain. Kids, if you ever get pregnant, take it from me: you don't want to fall asleep half lying on the couch.
***
Ted picked up his phone from where it had fallen onto the floor. It told him he had unread text messages.
All fifteen of them were from Barney. The first eight were variations on "I'm sorry." The next six were requests to be allowed to make it up to him. The last one said, "Please call me."
Ted deleted all fifteen messages and took a shower, got dressed, and went to work.
Just as Ted was getting ready to think about lunch, reception buzzed him to say he had a visitor. He heaved himself out of his chair and went out to reception with his meeting clients smile firmly plastered to his face.
"I'm sorry," Barney said before Ted could do much more than recognize that it was Barney and not a client who'd come to see him. "It was stupid, and I won't do it again." He held out the single red rose he'd brought.
Ted accepted the flower more gracefully than the apology. "Of course you'll do it again. That's who you are. You always hit on strange women."
"Not for eight months," Barney admitted.
"What?"
"That was the first woman I've hit on in eight months."
"So what made you hit on her?"
Barney actually looked embarrassed. "Jenkins said he thought I must be losing my touch. He bet me I couldn't do it."
Ted threw up his hands. "Who is Jenkins?"
"He works on the eighth floor," Barney said as if it were perfectly obvious.
"What does he have to do with anything?"
"Ted, I have to work with him!"
"What exactly is it you do?"
Barney waved the question away. "Please."
Fatigue suddenly tugged on Ted's energy. "Barney, what are you doing here?"
Barney wrapped his hand around Ted's hand that held the rose. "Apologizing." Barney stepped forward and Ted let Barney put his arms around him. "Let me buy you lunch."
Ted stepped back out of Barney's embrace. "No." Before Barney could try to talk him into it, he put his hand on Barney's cheek and said, "You can come over tonight."
Barney held Ted's hand to his cheek and then turned his head and kissed Ted's palm.
"That was so romantic," the receptionist sighed after Barney had stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby. Ted had forgotten she was there.
***
I hadn't forgiven him.
***
"That was so romantic," Marshall sighed when Ted told him and Lily about it.
Lily smacked him on the arm. "We're still mad at him." She looked to Ted for confirmation. "Right?"
"I don't know." Ted ran water into a vase and put the rose into it. "It was romantic."
"He cheated on you!"
"Technically," Marshall pointed out, "he was only hitting on her."
Lily smacked him on the arm again, eliciting an injured "Ow!" "Don't lawyer this."
The apartment door opened and closed, and then Barney came around the corner into the kitchen. Lily glared at him, Marshall smiled, and Ted didn't know which way he was supposed to go.
"I made dinner reservations." Barney held out a hand to Ted. "I won't even make you suit up."
Ted took Barney's hand and let himself be pulled close and kissed.
***
I still wasn't sure if I'd forgiven him, but I went to dinner with him and we went back to his place afterwards.
***
Barney let Ted go into the bedroom first, and Ted stopped and stared. "Barney," he said, "what?"
"Roses, Ted," Barney said from over his shoulder. "They're the traditional apology."
Roses indeed. Vases of roses sat on every available flat surface. Rose petals covered the bed. There was even a bunch of roses in the Stormtrooper's hand.
***
It was the kind of apology you can't reject.
***
"Ted," Barney ordered as he came through the door into Ted's apartment two months later, "suit up!"
Ted groaned from his place on the couch. "Barney. I don't even own a suit that fits."
"Got you covered." Barney held up a garment bag.
"You bought me a suit?"
"That I did. Now suit up!"
Lily and Marshall poked their heads out of the kitchen to watch.
"Why do you want me to suit up?" Ted asked with the weary demeanor of someone who's asked the same question on multiple occasions.
"I'm glad you asked, Ted. You see, I've been thinking." Barney struck a philosophical pose. "Luke and Leia should have a different childhood than I did. Sure, I turned out awesome eventually, but I had to work for it. Things should be better for the next generation. They shouldn't have to work for it."
"Barney," Ted said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"We should get married."
Ted choked on his soda, and Barney dropped his philosophical pose to pound him on the back.
"Wow, Barney," Lily said, "I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Yeah," Marshall said. "I almost want to check for flying pigs."
Barney handed the garment bag over to Ted. "Suit up. You, too," he added to Marshall and Lily. "And grab your passports. I have five tickets to Toronto and our plane leaves in two hours. Robin's on her way over."
"Toronto?" Ted asked.
"Yeah," Barney said as if it made perfect sense. When Ted looked blankly at him, he went on to explain, "We'd have to be residents of Massachusetts, New Mexico, or Rhode Island to get married in Massachusetts."
"What about Vermont?" Lily asked.
"Those are civil unions," Marshall explained. "They're not the same as a marriage, and it would make Ted and Barney second-class citizens."
"Wait, wait, wait." Everyone stopped and looked at Ted. "No one asked me if I want to go to Canada and get married."
Barney sighed heavily and stepped around the couch to kneel before Ted. He took one of Ted's hands in both of his. "Ted Mosby, I want our children to have the best life possible. Will you marry me?"
"That's not much of a proposal."
Barney glanced back at Lily and Marshall. "If any of you ever tell anyone about this, I will deny it." He turned back to Ted. "I love you," he said plainly. "Ted, for you and Luke and Leia, I'll become a," Barney had to pause and gather himself together to say it, "monogamist."
Ted dropped the suit bag, hauled Barney up, and kissed him. "Yes," he said. "I love you too. Let's go to Canada."
***
And so, kids, we all went to Canada.
***
"Why Toronto?" Marshall asked when they stepped out of the jetway and into the terminal in Toronto. "Wouldn't Niagara Falls be more traditional?"
"Marshall," Barney opined, "Toronto has stood in for the great city of New York in many a movie. It can certainly reprise the role for our wedding."
"Besides," Robin added practically, "there aren't any direct flights to Niagara."
"I think Toronto is a fine place to get married," Ted said.
***
To tell you the truth, kids, I was still having a little trouble believing it was actually happening, but an hour and a crowded cab ride later, we were standing in front of Judge Martin Frobisher in a Toronto courtroom. Your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily stood up with me, and your Aunt Robin was Barney's Maid of Honor.
***
"I now declare you married. You may kiss your groom, eh." The genial judge looked on as Marshall, Lily, and Robin cheered Ted and Barney's kiss.
The bailiff very politely ushered them out as soon as they broke their kiss.
"Well," Robin asked, "how does it feel to be married?"
Ted held his hand up to let the light reflect off the plain gold band Barney had produced seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm still getting used to the idea," he admitted, "but so far it feels pretty good."
Barney took his hand and laced their fingers together such that Ted could feel Barney's ring against his skin. "Ted," he declared, "this is going to be legendary."
***
Kids, of all the times Barney has ever said that to me, that was the first time I actually believed him.
***
"I don't understand why we have to go home right away," Marshall protested.
"Yeah," Lily agreed. "I was hoping Robin could show us around."
"Lily, I'm from Vancouver. The only time I've been to Toronto was when I was on tour, and then I only saw the mall."
"This day," Barney said, "is not over, and we have places to be."
***
So, kids, as soon as Barney and I were married, we all got on a plane and flew back to New York.
***
Ranjit was waiting for them when they emerged from the depths of JFK. "You're late," he said. "The meter's running."
"Ranjit," Barney greeted him as they all crammed into the cab, "this is our wedding day."
"The meter is still running."
Barney gave up and climbed into the cab with the rest of them. He didn't bother to give directions.
"It's a good thing you waited to do this until Lily and Ted were over their morning sickness," Robin said on the drive back into Manhattan.
Marshall groaned. "Don't remind me. Ted, if you ever get pregnant again, don't do it while Lily's pregnant."
Barney looked alarmed, as if the idea had never occurred to him. "No!" he said. "Luke and Leia will have each other. They don't need any brothers or sisters."
"I know this is supposed to be the best time of pregnancy," Ted said, "but they're getting heavy already. I don't think I want to do this again."
Ranjit pulled up in front of a building three or four blocks from Ted's place. Barney tipped him heavily.
"This isn't home," Marshall said when Ranjit had driven away.
Barney pulled out a key and led them up to a door without explaining. He pushed the door open and waved everyone in.
"Wow," Robin said. "This place is amazing." They'd come into an entryway that was separated from a large, wood-floored room by a low wall. That room opened into another space with a kitchen behind it. The entryway extended into a hallway.
Ted looked from his examination of the space back to Barney, who was watching him closely. "Why are we here?"
"We're going to live here," Barney said. He looked suddenly uncertain. "If you want to. I haven't paid for it yet."
Before Ted could answer, Barney pulled him down the hallway. "Look," he said and directed Ted into the first bedroom, which looked out over the street. "This would be our room." He took Ted across the hall. "This can be the nursery, and there's another bedroom, too, so Luke and Leia can have their own bedrooms when they get older. And, look, this is the best part." Barney pulled the cord on the shades to reveal a window that opened to the back of another building. "They won't be able to sneak out when they're teenagers."
"Barney," Ted said to stop him. "I can't believe you're buying me a house."
Barney visibly relaxed. He stepped forward and put one hand on Ted's stomach. "You're carrying Luke and Leia. I'm making sure they have a good life."
They were kissing when the others came down the hall.
***
Kids, those last three months before you were born were crazy. Barney hired painters and wouldn't let me back in until all the fumes were gone. Your grandparents bought tons of stuff for your nursery. And I kept getting bigger and bigger while your Aunt Lily just had a round bulge.
***
"Maybe it's because you're carrying twins," Robin suggested.
"But look at her," Ted protested, and they all dutifully turned their gazes to Lily. "She's barely gained anything. I can't even fit in the booth."
"You know what I can't believe?" Barney continued without giving anyone a chance to respond. "I can't believe you've never had a craving for pickles and ice cream."
"That's not a real thing," Marshall said.
"Sure it is," Robin disagreed. "I did a story last year on this woman who had triplets, and she said she craved jalapeños and peanut butter the whole time she was pregnant."
"See?" Barney said. He paused and looked back at Robin. "Wait, wasn't that the woman who said her apartment was haunted by the ghost of the neighbor's iguana?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, she had cravings while she was pregnant."
"The only thing I'm craving is to be able to move normally again." Ted put one hand on his prodigious belly. "You hear that kids? I'm ready whenever you are."
"Don't say that!" Barney put his hand next to Ted's. "You two need another couple of weeks in there. We still haven't moved."
***
We moved the next weekend.
***
"Barney, I can carry one little box."
Barney took the box from him and put it back in the stack. "No, Ted. The movers are doing that."
"Barney!"
"Ted!"
They glared at each other until Barney put his arms around Ted. "I hired movers. Let them do the moving. You're going to need all your strength pretty soon. Besides," he added, "I'll let you help unpack."
***
Kids, I did all the unpacking.
***
Ted was lifting Barney's blender out of its box when he felt the first wrenching pain. He just barely managed not to drop the blender.
He put his hands over where the babies were and doubled over, tears stinging his eyes. He tried to remember how they taught pregnant women on TV to breathe, but mostly he was just in pain.
When it finally stopped, he fumbled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Barney.
Barney picked up on the first ring. "Yeah." There was noise behind him.
"I think I'm in labor."
"What?" There was the sound of a door shutting, and quiet, and then Barney asked, "What did you say?"
"I think I'm in labor."
"You think? Ted, this an either or thing. You are or you aren't. He paused for a moment and then said, "Kind of like being pregnant. Huh."
"Barney! I just had a contraction. I almost dropped your blender on our beautiful tiled kitchen floor."
"Not the Blendtec Total Blender!"
"Barney, focus."
"But, Ted, that thing can blend anything!"
"I didn't drop it! Can we talk about my contraction now? It really hurt and there are going to be more of them and I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" In some distant corner of his mind, Ted realized he was somewhat hysterical.
"Ted," Barney said with exquisite calm, "put on your shoes and go outside. Ranjit will be there to pick you up in a minute, and I'll meet you at the hospital. Don't forget to lock the door."
Ted did just what Barney said, and Barney stayed on the phone. Ted could hear him typing something, then the logoff sound of his computer, and Barney saying good-bye to someone. Ranjit was just pulling up when Barney had to get in the elevator and hang up.
Ted's next contraction hit before Barney called back. Ted moaned in pain, and Ranjit peered at him in the rearview mirror.
"Are you going to be okay?"
Ted panted and tried not to cry. "Just get me to the hospital."
Traffic was actually moving, and they made it several blocks closer when Ted's cell rang.
He answered without looking at the screen. "Barney?"
Instead of Barney, Ted was greeted by Marshall's excited voice. "Ted! You'll never guess where we are. We're at the hospital," he rushed on." Lily's having the baby." Then his voice moved away. "Barney? What're you doing here? Did Lily call you?" And then, into the phone, "Ted, Barney's already here."
Ranjit pulled up in front of the hospital where Barney and Marshall were standing together.
Ted dropped his phone as a third contraction hit him.
"Ted? Ted?" Marshall said into the phone.
"Ted." Barney opened the door of Ranjit's cab.
"Ted!" Marshall hung up his phone. "We're having a baby."
"So are we!" Barney said as he helped Ted out of the cab. "This is awesome!"
Another cab pulled up behind Ranjit's, and Marshall rushed over to help Lily out.
"Don't forget your phone." Ranjit had picked it up an held it out to them.
Barney took it and paid Ranjit, with a heavy tip, in exchange.
Marshall's excited clamoring had summoned help from the hospital, and people in scrubs helped Ted and Lily into wheelchairs.
"This really hurts," Ted declared.
"Way more than I thought it would," Lily agreed. "At least you get to have a c-section. I have to actually push this kid out myself."
Their doctor met them at the door. "You two sure are determined to do this together, aren't you?" Ted, I'm going to send you up to be prepped while I get Lily settled in and checked over. We'll get your twins delivered, and then I'll come back down for Lily." She looked sternly at the nurse or orderly or whatever behind Ted's chair. "Barney can stay with Ted."
"See you on the other side," Lily said.
"Good luck," Marshall called out as the nurses or orderlies or whatever took them in different directions.
"Barney?"
"Yeah, Ted." Barney kept typing away on his phone.
"You're going to stay the whole time, right?"
Barney switched off his phone and slipped it into a pocket. "Yeah, Ted. The whole time." He took Ted's hand and didn't let go until the nurse made them to get Ted into a bed.
The anesthesiologist came in and gave him something that made the pain fade away into the background.
***
Kids, you don't want to hear this part. It's bloody and the nurse made Barney sit down and put his head between his knees so he wouldn't pass out.
***
"Luke," Ted said when they asked for the boy's name for the birth certificate. "Luke Stinson Mosby. Stinson's the middle name, not hyphenated."
He spelled it out for the nurse and she wrote it down. "And this little lady?" She put her hand on Leia's head where she lay cradled in Ted's arms.
"Leia Stinson Mosby." He spelled "Leia" for her; they didn't want that one to be wrong.
"Ted," Barney said without looking up from where Luke was sucking at a bottle in his arms, "this is amazing."
Ted held Leia a little closer. "I know."
"We're going to take you down to the maternity ward now." The doctor made sure Leia was secure in Ted's arms and sent one of the orderlies out for a second wheelchair for Barney.
"I can walk!"
"With the way you're looking at Luke, you'd trip and fall, and we don't need you as a patient."
Barney acquiesced with a minimum of further grumbling.
"Good." The doctor signed off on something on Ted's chart and hung it back on the end of his bed. "You'll be fine. I'm headed down to check on Lily. We're putting you in the same room, so I'll see you down there."
"Wait!" Barney held out his phone to the nurse. "You should be in a picture with us."
***
That's in your baby book, too.
***
"I am never doing this again! You had better appreciate this, Marshall Erickson, because this is the only child we're ever having!" Lily's voice greeted them as the orderlies pushed open the door to the room.
Barney and Ted exchanged looks.
"Should the kids be hearing this?"
Barney shrugged philosophically. "They're going to hear a lot worse in this life." He cocked his head and said, "Probably also from Lily."
The orderlies helped Ted move from the wheelchair to the bed. Barney got up from his wheelchair on his own. Instead of taking the chair, Barney joined Ted on the bed.
"Okay, Lily, I want you to push now," the doctor said calmly. Lily's answer was loud and couldn't be repeated in polite company. Lily's yelling went on for quite a while, and then there was a moment of blessed silence, and then a baby's wail.
"It's a boy," the doctor announced.
There was the same kind of rustling and fussing there had been for Luke and Leia, and then one of the nurses pulled the curtain open.
"Ted!" Marshall's grin split his face. "We're parents!"
"So are we!" Ted nodded down at the baby in his arms. "This is Leia. Barney has Luke."
"This is Eli." Lily met Ted's eyes across the expanse between their beds. "He's an only child, and he's going to stay that way."
Barney looked adoringly down at Luke. "He won't be lonely. He'll have Luke and Leia to play with too."
***
"Kids, that's the story of how Barney became a monogamist and you were born. And next time your cousin Eli makes any comments about us, you just remind him that you're older."
Luke and Leia rolled their eyes in unison. "Yeah, Dad," Luke answered for both of them. "Can we go now?"
Barney breezed in and leaned down to kiss Ted.
"Barney," Leia appealed to him, "will you please tell Dad to let us go now?"
"It's very important to know your own history," Ted opined.
"The story of your birth is legendary!"
"Yeah, we know," Leia said.
"Dad just told us all about it," Luke added.
Barney shook his head. "Kids," he said to Ted with a fond shake of his head. "Go," he told the kids. "Just be glad," he called after them as they escaped down the hall, "that he didn't get out the baby book."
"I put a lot of work into that baby book," Ted protested.
"I know you did, Ted, but they're teenagers." Barney pulled Ted up and around the coffee table and pushed him down onto the couch. "Let's pretend we're teenagers and make out on the couch."
"We did that last night," Ted said, but he accepted it as Barney settled on top of him.
"But this time it's the middle of the day." Barney kissed Ted to forestall whatever he was going to say, and both the kiss and the tactic were familiar and comfortable. They'd been necking for a while and one of Ted's hands was on Barney's ass when the kids came back through the living room.
"Eww! Dad, Barney, you have your own room."
Ted flushed, but Barney just looked at them. "Did you want something, or are you just interrupting?"
"We're going over to Eli's," Luke told them.
"It's his turn to cook for Sunday dinner, and we're going to help," Leia added.
Barney waved them off. "We'll see you there at six."
The kids left, and Barney grinned down at Ted. "You liked getting caught."
Ted pulled Barney down by the front of his shirt. "I like being married to you. I like having kids with you." He put his hand back on Barney's ass. "Did I ever thank you for becoming a monogamist for us?"
Barney ground down onto Ted. "You could always thank me again."
How I Became Your Mother
"I can't believe it!" Barney's exclamation interrupted Lily's story about the kids in her class, school supplies, and a radiator.
"I know!" Lily agreed. "Who knew you could do that with paste?"
"No, not your little story," Barney said. "I can't believe that I'm in a bar full of beautiful women and I just want to go home with Ted." He glared balefully around the table. "James and Tom were here last week. Do you think monogamy is contagious?"
"I think Ted is contagious," Marshall said. When everyone just looked at him, he said, "Yeah, I know, that made no sense."
"That's it," Lily said. "You're cut off." She pushed Marshall's glass away from him. "We're going home." She stood and pulled Marshall up with her. "You coming with us?"
Barney scowled, but downed his drink, said, "Yes," and stood up. He defiantly held out his hand to Ted, and when Ted took it, he refused to let go.
***
The truth is, kids, that I worried about that. What if Barney's monogamy was just a temporary effect brought on by James and Tom's visit? But then it happened.
***
"I don't think he's coming," Ted said.
"He'll be here," Marshall said. When they all looked at him as if to say, "What do you know?" he added, "We're his only friends. Where else is he going to go?"
"We're not his only friends," Robin said.
"Maybe not," Lily said. "I mean, have any of us ever met anyone else who's friends with Barney?"
There was silence. "Look," Ted said, breaking it, "that's not the point."
"Not the point of what?" Barney slid into the booth next to Ted, pressing the length of his thigh against Ted's.
"Oh, uh, nothing." Ted picked up his drink and sipped at it.
"It didn't sound like nothing."
"It was," Ted insisted.
Barney gave him a disbelieving look and turned to the rest of the table.
"Ted was worried you weren't going to show up," Marshall said after a pause.
"Marshall." Ted turned to Barney. "I wasn't worried. Just wondering."
"He was worried," Robin confirmed.
"It's Monday night. Margaritas at McLaren's. Where else would I be?" Barney threw an arm around Ted and held up his margarita in a silent toast.
***
The truth is, kids, I was worried. I'd never known Barney to sleep with the same girl more than twice, or a man even once. But he did show up that night, and every night that week.
***
"This club is totally awesome," Barney promised on Friday night. "It's going to be legendary."
"You always say it's going to be legendary," Marshall complained, but he put on his coat anyway.
"And it always is. Ted, back me up on this."
"Oh, some of the times we've had certainly are tales to tell."
"You'll love it."
So they went to the club. To Ted, it didn't seem any different from any other club they'd been to, and he'd said so to Barney.
"Ted, look around you. This place is great! Come on." Barney grabbed his hand and took
Ted up the stairs to the suspended dance floor. "Isn't this awesome?" he shouted over the music as he took Ted out onto the floor.
***
And, kids, that's when it happened.
***
"Come home with me."
"What?"
Barney pulled Ted closer. "Come home with me."
***
That's right, kids. Barney invited me back to his place. And instead of kicking me out in the morning, he sent me into the kitchen to make breakfast.
***
"No," Marshall said.
"Yes," Ted confirmed.
"I can't believe Barney invited you back to his place," Lily said.
"I can't believe he let you make breakfast," Robin added.
"I make a mean piece of toast," Ted defended himself.
"Mean is right. I've eaten your toast," Lily said.
"It's not that bad," Ted protested. "Okay," he relented after a moment, "I burned the first two pieces, but after that it was fine."
"Yeah, because after that we went to Claudette's." Barney leaned over to kiss Ted's cheek before settling into his usual chair. "Their crepes are legendary."
"You eat crepes?"
"Robin," Barney lectured, "crepes are a fine French food. Do you know how many girls I've impressed with my knowledge of French food?"
"Not as many as you've impressed with you knowledge of French--" Robin caught sight of Ted's expression and broke off.
"I'm going to get another drink," Ted announced brightly. "Anyone else want anything?" He barely waited for an answer before heading to the farthest end of the bar to get Carl's attention.
"Nice going, Robin."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know it would bother him."
"This," Barney declared, "is why I never get 'involved,'" complete with air quotes, "with the women I sleep with." He downed his drink and intercepted Ted on his way back from the bar. "You're the only girl I'm impressing these days."
"Barney--"
Barney shut him up by kissing him, right in the middle of McLaren's.
***
Yes, kids, it was a French kiss, and it was impressive.
***
"Ted called," Marshall said, sitting across from Barney. "He had to work late."
"And he called you?"
"He is our best friend," Lily pointed out as she arrived with drinks.
"He's not sleeping with you," Barney grumbled, and then he looked up, interested. "Unless he is sleeping with you?"
"He's our best friend," Lily repeated, "not our ménage à trois."
"Damn." Barney looked back down at his drink. "That would make things easier. Or-" He looked up again, "wait for it - foursome."
Marshall made a face. "With you? No. Dude, what is up with you?"
"Yeah," Lily said. "You're acting not like Barney at all."
"I know." Barney sank further down into the booth and mumbled something too low for them to hear.
"What was that?"
"I said," Barney said with a sigh, "Thursday is our two-monthaversary."
Marshall laughed and Lily pointed at him. "You're counting!"
"I know. It's disgusting."
"What's disgusting?" Ted deposited another round of drinks on the table and dropped into the booth next to Barney. He looked around the table, eyebrows raised, waiting for an answer.
Lily caved. "Barney's counting!"
That didn't help. "Is this something you have to be a kindergarten teacher to appreciate?" he asked.
"Thursday is our two-monthaversary," Barney said, not looking at him.
"I know," Ted answered reasonably. "Would it be weird if I sent you flowers at work? Because I kind of want to."
"You don't think this is weird?" Barney asked incredulously.
"No." Ted paused in the act of lifting his glass to his mouth. "Why? Should I?"
"I'm Barney Stinson. Barney Stinson doesn't have long-term monogomous relationships. And he certainly doesn't keep track of how long it's been."
"Awww," Lily said, "I think it's sweet."
"It is kind of sweet," Marshall agreed.
Ted draped one arm over Barney's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "Maybe this is the new Barney Stinson." He considered for a moment while Barney finished off his drink and picked up the new one Ted had brought him. "I'll send you flowers on Thursday. Do you like roses?"
***
I did send him roses, kids, and we both kept counting. And then your Aunt Lily gave us the good news.
***
Lily raised her drink. "I have an announcement to make." She looked over at Marshall and corrected herself. "We have an announcement to make."
Barney took one look at their matching attempts to hold it in and announce it properly and knew what it was.
"Oh, no. You're pregnant."
Lily and Marshall's faces fell.
"Yeah, we are," Lily retorted, "and thanks for ruining the big moment."
"Oh my gosh, that's great!" Ted enthused. "We should go buy a catcher's mitt right now."
"Way ahead of you, buddy." Marshall held up a child-sized mitt.
"Oh, well, it's great for you," Barney complained, "but now you're going to be all non-drinking and staying in and going home early, and then there's Ted."
"Me? What about me?" Ted said at the same time Lily said, "What about Ted?"
"Now he's going to want kids too."
"I always wanted kids," Ted said at the same time Marshall said, "Ted's always wanted kids."
"Well, yeah," Barney said, "someday. But now he's going to want kids now."
Ted slung an arm around Barney's shoulders. "Don't you want to be the mother of my children?"
"Please. You'd be the mother of mine."
***
Ted stood up and turned around to rinse his mouth at the sink. He was just spitting when Lily rushed in. "Pregnant woman coming through!"
The sound of Lily retching behind him almost made Ted throw up again. He escaped the bathroom before that became reality.
He called in sick and spent the morning on the couch feeling nauseous. By lunch, he was feeling normal, and he spent the afternoon playing Nintendo and calling Marshall and Barney at work.
The next day was much the same.
On the third day, he didn't call in sick right away.
"You know, I felt better in the afternoon," he mused when he came out of the bathroom.
"Here." Lily handed him a box of saltines. "These help."
Ted dug into them. It did help.
"Maybe you're pregnant, too," Marshall opined, and they all laughed.
"Maybe it's sympathy pains, like Mac on that episode of Night Court," Lily suggested.
"Then shouldn't I be having them?" Marshall asked.
"Yeah," Ted agreed, "and didn't he have appendicitis anyway?"
Lily considered that. "Yeah, I think you're right."
The saltines helped, and Ted got dressed and went to work.
He had saltines for breakfast every day for a week, and then he, Barney, and Robin went with Lily and Marshall to their obstetrician appointment for their first ultrasound.
"There you go," their doctor said, and pointed to the screen. "There's your baby."
They all squinted at the lines on the screen.
"You can't see anything," Barney complained.
"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?"
"No," Lily said at the same time Marshall said, "Yes."
"We could be here all day," Robin said over the sound of their bickering. "Excuse me," she said to the doctor. "Can men really have sympathy pains? Because Ted's been sick every morning for a week and a half, and he lives with Lily and Marshall."
"It's certainly possible," the doctor said. She eyed Lily and Marshall. "Usually we see that in the father of the baby."
Lily interrupted her argument with Marshall to tell the doctor, "Marshall thinks Ted might be pregnant."
The doctor laughed. "I very much doubt that."
"Hey, let's see!" Marshall pointed to the ultrasound screen where it was still showing his and Lily's child. "Hook Ted up to this, and let's see."
The doctor glanced at the clock. "My next appointment canceled. I was going to catch up on paperwork, but we could squeeze in an extra ultrasound."
"No," Ted protested.
"Come on, Ted," Barney urged. "It's not that often a strange woman puts slimy gel on your stomach and takes a picture of the insides."
Robin made a face. "That is more than I want to know about your sex life."
Barney looked interested, and eyed the doctor speculatively. "I hadn't thought about it, but now that you mention it--"
"No." Ted lay down on the table and lifted up his shirt. "I will get the ultrasound, but nothing else."
The doctor seemed to take this in stride, and she rubbed the gel over Ted's stomach and slid the ultrasound thing over it. After a few moments where they all looked at an incomprehensible bunch of lines, she frowned. "Hmmm."
"Hmm?" Ted twisted to look at her. "What do you mean, hmmm? That doesn't sound good."
"Calm down, Ted," Robin said reasonably. "I'm sure everything's fine. Everything is fine, right?"
"That's odd," the doctor muttered. She did something to the screen, and the display went black and then came up again. "Very odd." She pasted on a smile and said, "Wait here a moment."
The five of them looked at each other. "That can't be good, right?" Ted asked with rising panic.
"I'm sure it's nothing," Lily said, but she wouldn't meet his eyes.
"Come on, Ted," Barney reasoned, "what would happen to you?"
"Yeah," Ted said. "Nothing happens to me. Oh, wait. Where did you spend the night last night? Oh, yeah, that's right, in my bed."
Barney made a patented Barney noise of incredulity. "That's not the same thing."
Lily, Marshall, and Robin all took a step back.
Luckily, the doctor came back just then. Unluckily, she had two other people with her. The three of them conferred in an undertone.
"That's just not possible!" Ted heard one of them say.
They finally turned to face him, with varying looks of resignation, confusion, and interest.
"Congratulations, Mr. Mosby," Lily's doctor said. "You're having twins," and everything went black.
"Ted, Ted!"
Ted came back to the world to their combined voices and Barney's hand lightly slapping him on the cheek.
"Did she say twins?" he asked weakly.
"I did," the doctor confirmed.
"Ted, do you know what this means?" Barney asked.
"Three kids in diapers at once?" Lily hazarded. Now it was Marshall who looked like he might faint.
"Two more people to teach to shoot?" Robin suggested.
"Okay," Ted said, "Robin is never, ever babysitting our kids."
"Babies, Ted." The grin nearly split Barney's face. "We're going to have babies!" He bent over Ted and kissed him hard.
***
The thing you should know about Barney, kids, is that he loves babies. Put one in his arms, and he'll just melt all over the place.
***
"Do you want to know the sex of the babies?" the doctor asked when they came back a couple of weeks later.
"Yes," Ted and Barney said together.
The doctor moved the ultrasound wand thing, peered at the screen, and announced, "It's a boy and a girl."
"A boy and a girl," Ted mused. He glanced at the monitor and looked back to find a sly, scheming look on Barney's face.
Barney put his hand on Ted's stomach, just above the gel for the ultrasound. "Our own little Luke and Leia."
Ted smiled sweetly up at him. "At least we don't have to argue about names."
"You're really going to name them Luke and Leia?" Marshall asked. "That's awesome!"
"That's crazy," Robin disagreed. "They're going to be miserable in school. Lily, tell them."
"Oh, they'll get teased all right," Lily confirmed. "But they'll be able to use the Force, so they might be okay."
"Fine," Robin said, "but when I'm doing a story about social outcasts featuring your kids, I'm gonna say I told you so."
When they were done, Barney hailed two cabs - one to send Robin back to work and one to take the rest of them home - and then was quiet, huddled over his phone.
Ted finally leaned over the front seat and asked, "What are you doing?"
Barney flashed the screen at him where he could see sentences in an input box. "Uploading the baby picture to my blog."
***
I don't need to tell you about that blog entry, kids. It's in your baby book.
***
Marshall and Lily dragged Ted out of the apartment and down to McLaren's.
"I can't even drink," he protested, but they insisted he needed to get out of the house anyway.
Barney was already there, flirting with a girl at the bar. She was touching his arm and smiling at him, and she looked to be about one veiled suggestion away from leaving with him.
Old Ted might have backed out of the bar and complained bitterly to Lily and Marshall. New Ted was pregnant and angry, so he stalked over to them, put his arm around Barney, and smiled falsely at the girl.
"I'm six months pregnant with his children," he informed her.
"Ted! I didn't think you'd be here."
Ted removed his arm from Barney's body and took a step back. "Obviously."
Barney at least had the grace to look chagrined. "Look, Ted--"
"No," Ted said, "I don't want to hear it." He started to walk away and came back. "I'm six months pregnant, and you're down here hitting on girls."
"Ted," Barney protested, "it didn't mean anything."
"Maybe that's the point!" And then old Ted made an appearance and instead of staying to fight it out, Ted went home and fell asleep waiting for Marshall and Lily to come home.
***
I woke up on the couch feeling stupid and hurt. And in pain. Kids, if you ever get pregnant, take it from me: you don't want to fall asleep half lying on the couch.
***
Ted picked up his phone from where it had fallen onto the floor. It told him he had unread text messages.
All fifteen of them were from Barney. The first eight were variations on "I'm sorry." The next six were requests to be allowed to make it up to him. The last one said, "Please call me."
Ted deleted all fifteen messages and took a shower, got dressed, and went to work.
Just as Ted was getting ready to think about lunch, reception buzzed him to say he had a visitor. He heaved himself out of his chair and went out to reception with his meeting clients smile firmly plastered to his face.
"I'm sorry," Barney said before Ted could do much more than recognize that it was Barney and not a client who'd come to see him. "It was stupid, and I won't do it again." He held out the single red rose he'd brought.
Ted accepted the flower more gracefully than the apology. "Of course you'll do it again. That's who you are. You always hit on strange women."
"Not for eight months," Barney admitted.
"What?"
"That was the first woman I've hit on in eight months."
"So what made you hit on her?"
Barney actually looked embarrassed. "Jenkins said he thought I must be losing my touch. He bet me I couldn't do it."
Ted threw up his hands. "Who is Jenkins?"
"He works on the eighth floor," Barney said as if it were perfectly obvious.
"What does he have to do with anything?"
"Ted, I have to work with him!"
"What exactly is it you do?"
Barney waved the question away. "Please."
Fatigue suddenly tugged on Ted's energy. "Barney, what are you doing here?"
Barney wrapped his hand around Ted's hand that held the rose. "Apologizing." Barney stepped forward and Ted let Barney put his arms around him. "Let me buy you lunch."
Ted stepped back out of Barney's embrace. "No." Before Barney could try to talk him into it, he put his hand on Barney's cheek and said, "You can come over tonight."
Barney held Ted's hand to his cheek and then turned his head and kissed Ted's palm.
"That was so romantic," the receptionist sighed after Barney had stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby. Ted had forgotten she was there.
***
I hadn't forgiven him.
***
"That was so romantic," Marshall sighed when Ted told him and Lily about it.
Lily smacked him on the arm. "We're still mad at him." She looked to Ted for confirmation. "Right?"
"I don't know." Ted ran water into a vase and put the rose into it. "It was romantic."
"He cheated on you!"
"Technically," Marshall pointed out, "he was only hitting on her."
Lily smacked him on the arm again, eliciting an injured "Ow!" "Don't lawyer this."
The apartment door opened and closed, and then Barney came around the corner into the kitchen. Lily glared at him, Marshall smiled, and Ted didn't know which way he was supposed to go.
"I made dinner reservations." Barney held out a hand to Ted. "I won't even make you suit up."
Ted took Barney's hand and let himself be pulled close and kissed.
***
I still wasn't sure if I'd forgiven him, but I went to dinner with him and we went back to his place afterwards.
***
Barney let Ted go into the bedroom first, and Ted stopped and stared. "Barney," he said, "what?"
"Roses, Ted," Barney said from over his shoulder. "They're the traditional apology."
Roses indeed. Vases of roses sat on every available flat surface. Rose petals covered the bed. There was even a bunch of roses in the Stormtrooper's hand.
***
It was the kind of apology you can't reject.
***
"Ted," Barney ordered as he came through the door into Ted's apartment two months later, "suit up!"
Ted groaned from his place on the couch. "Barney. I don't even own a suit that fits."
"Got you covered." Barney held up a garment bag.
"You bought me a suit?"
"That I did. Now suit up!"
Lily and Marshall poked their heads out of the kitchen to watch.
"Why do you want me to suit up?" Ted asked with the weary demeanor of someone who's asked the same question on multiple occasions.
"I'm glad you asked, Ted. You see, I've been thinking." Barney struck a philosophical pose. "Luke and Leia should have a different childhood than I did. Sure, I turned out awesome eventually, but I had to work for it. Things should be better for the next generation. They shouldn't have to work for it."
"Barney," Ted said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"We should get married."
Ted choked on his soda, and Barney dropped his philosophical pose to pound him on the back.
"Wow, Barney," Lily said, "I never thought I'd hear you say that."
"Yeah," Marshall said. "I almost want to check for flying pigs."
Barney handed the garment bag over to Ted. "Suit up. You, too," he added to Marshall and Lily. "And grab your passports. I have five tickets to Toronto and our plane leaves in two hours. Robin's on her way over."
"Toronto?" Ted asked.
"Yeah," Barney said as if it made perfect sense. When Ted looked blankly at him, he went on to explain, "We'd have to be residents of Massachusetts, New Mexico, or Rhode Island to get married in Massachusetts."
"What about Vermont?" Lily asked.
"Those are civil unions," Marshall explained. "They're not the same as a marriage, and it would make Ted and Barney second-class citizens."
"Wait, wait, wait." Everyone stopped and looked at Ted. "No one asked me if I want to go to Canada and get married."
Barney sighed heavily and stepped around the couch to kneel before Ted. He took one of Ted's hands in both of his. "Ted Mosby, I want our children to have the best life possible. Will you marry me?"
"That's not much of a proposal."
Barney glanced back at Lily and Marshall. "If any of you ever tell anyone about this, I will deny it." He turned back to Ted. "I love you," he said plainly. "Ted, for you and Luke and Leia, I'll become a," Barney had to pause and gather himself together to say it, "monogamist."
Ted dropped the suit bag, hauled Barney up, and kissed him. "Yes," he said. "I love you too. Let's go to Canada."
***
And so, kids, we all went to Canada.
***
"Why Toronto?" Marshall asked when they stepped out of the jetway and into the terminal in Toronto. "Wouldn't Niagara Falls be more traditional?"
"Marshall," Barney opined, "Toronto has stood in for the great city of New York in many a movie. It can certainly reprise the role for our wedding."
"Besides," Robin added practically, "there aren't any direct flights to Niagara."
"I think Toronto is a fine place to get married," Ted said.
***
To tell you the truth, kids, I was still having a little trouble believing it was actually happening, but an hour and a crowded cab ride later, we were standing in front of Judge Martin Frobisher in a Toronto courtroom. Your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily stood up with me, and your Aunt Robin was Barney's Maid of Honor.
***
"I now declare you married. You may kiss your groom, eh." The genial judge looked on as Marshall, Lily, and Robin cheered Ted and Barney's kiss.
The bailiff very politely ushered them out as soon as they broke their kiss.
"Well," Robin asked, "how does it feel to be married?"
Ted held his hand up to let the light reflect off the plain gold band Barney had produced seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm still getting used to the idea," he admitted, "but so far it feels pretty good."
Barney took his hand and laced their fingers together such that Ted could feel Barney's ring against his skin. "Ted," he declared, "this is going to be legendary."
***
Kids, of all the times Barney has ever said that to me, that was the first time I actually believed him.
***
"I don't understand why we have to go home right away," Marshall protested.
"Yeah," Lily agreed. "I was hoping Robin could show us around."
"Lily, I'm from Vancouver. The only time I've been to Toronto was when I was on tour, and then I only saw the mall."
"This day," Barney said, "is not over, and we have places to be."
***
So, kids, as soon as Barney and I were married, we all got on a plane and flew back to New York.
***
Ranjit was waiting for them when they emerged from the depths of JFK. "You're late," he said. "The meter's running."
"Ranjit," Barney greeted him as they all crammed into the cab, "this is our wedding day."
"The meter is still running."
Barney gave up and climbed into the cab with the rest of them. He didn't bother to give directions.
"It's a good thing you waited to do this until Lily and Ted were over their morning sickness," Robin said on the drive back into Manhattan.
Marshall groaned. "Don't remind me. Ted, if you ever get pregnant again, don't do it while Lily's pregnant."
Barney looked alarmed, as if the idea had never occurred to him. "No!" he said. "Luke and Leia will have each other. They don't need any brothers or sisters."
"I know this is supposed to be the best time of pregnancy," Ted said, "but they're getting heavy already. I don't think I want to do this again."
Ranjit pulled up in front of a building three or four blocks from Ted's place. Barney tipped him heavily.
"This isn't home," Marshall said when Ranjit had driven away.
Barney pulled out a key and led them up to a door without explaining. He pushed the door open and waved everyone in.
"Wow," Robin said. "This place is amazing." They'd come into an entryway that was separated from a large, wood-floored room by a low wall. That room opened into another space with a kitchen behind it. The entryway extended into a hallway.
Ted looked from his examination of the space back to Barney, who was watching him closely. "Why are we here?"
"We're going to live here," Barney said. He looked suddenly uncertain. "If you want to. I haven't paid for it yet."
Before Ted could answer, Barney pulled him down the hallway. "Look," he said and directed Ted into the first bedroom, which looked out over the street. "This would be our room." He took Ted across the hall. "This can be the nursery, and there's another bedroom, too, so Luke and Leia can have their own bedrooms when they get older. And, look, this is the best part." Barney pulled the cord on the shades to reveal a window that opened to the back of another building. "They won't be able to sneak out when they're teenagers."
"Barney," Ted said to stop him. "I can't believe you're buying me a house."
Barney visibly relaxed. He stepped forward and put one hand on Ted's stomach. "You're carrying Luke and Leia. I'm making sure they have a good life."
They were kissing when the others came down the hall.
***
Kids, those last three months before you were born were crazy. Barney hired painters and wouldn't let me back in until all the fumes were gone. Your grandparents bought tons of stuff for your nursery. And I kept getting bigger and bigger while your Aunt Lily just had a round bulge.
***
"Maybe it's because you're carrying twins," Robin suggested.
"But look at her," Ted protested, and they all dutifully turned their gazes to Lily. "She's barely gained anything. I can't even fit in the booth."
"You know what I can't believe?" Barney continued without giving anyone a chance to respond. "I can't believe you've never had a craving for pickles and ice cream."
"That's not a real thing," Marshall said.
"Sure it is," Robin disagreed. "I did a story last year on this woman who had triplets, and she said she craved jalapeños and peanut butter the whole time she was pregnant."
"See?" Barney said. He paused and looked back at Robin. "Wait, wasn't that the woman who said her apartment was haunted by the ghost of the neighbor's iguana?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, she had cravings while she was pregnant."
"The only thing I'm craving is to be able to move normally again." Ted put one hand on his prodigious belly. "You hear that kids? I'm ready whenever you are."
"Don't say that!" Barney put his hand next to Ted's. "You two need another couple of weeks in there. We still haven't moved."
***
We moved the next weekend.
***
"Barney, I can carry one little box."
Barney took the box from him and put it back in the stack. "No, Ted. The movers are doing that."
"Barney!"
"Ted!"
They glared at each other until Barney put his arms around Ted. "I hired movers. Let them do the moving. You're going to need all your strength pretty soon. Besides," he added, "I'll let you help unpack."
***
Kids, I did all the unpacking.
***
Ted was lifting Barney's blender out of its box when he felt the first wrenching pain. He just barely managed not to drop the blender.
He put his hands over where the babies were and doubled over, tears stinging his eyes. He tried to remember how they taught pregnant women on TV to breathe, but mostly he was just in pain.
When it finally stopped, he fumbled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Barney.
Barney picked up on the first ring. "Yeah." There was noise behind him.
"I think I'm in labor."
"What?" There was the sound of a door shutting, and quiet, and then Barney asked, "What did you say?"
"I think I'm in labor."
"You think? Ted, this an either or thing. You are or you aren't. He paused for a moment and then said, "Kind of like being pregnant. Huh."
"Barney! I just had a contraction. I almost dropped your blender on our beautiful tiled kitchen floor."
"Not the Blendtec Total Blender!"
"Barney, focus."
"But, Ted, that thing can blend anything!"
"I didn't drop it! Can we talk about my contraction now? It really hurt and there are going to be more of them and I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" In some distant corner of his mind, Ted realized he was somewhat hysterical.
"Ted," Barney said with exquisite calm, "put on your shoes and go outside. Ranjit will be there to pick you up in a minute, and I'll meet you at the hospital. Don't forget to lock the door."
Ted did just what Barney said, and Barney stayed on the phone. Ted could hear him typing something, then the logoff sound of his computer, and Barney saying good-bye to someone. Ranjit was just pulling up when Barney had to get in the elevator and hang up.
Ted's next contraction hit before Barney called back. Ted moaned in pain, and Ranjit peered at him in the rearview mirror.
"Are you going to be okay?"
Ted panted and tried not to cry. "Just get me to the hospital."
Traffic was actually moving, and they made it several blocks closer when Ted's cell rang.
He answered without looking at the screen. "Barney?"
Instead of Barney, Ted was greeted by Marshall's excited voice. "Ted! You'll never guess where we are. We're at the hospital," he rushed on." Lily's having the baby." Then his voice moved away. "Barney? What're you doing here? Did Lily call you?" And then, into the phone, "Ted, Barney's already here."
Ranjit pulled up in front of the hospital where Barney and Marshall were standing together.
Ted dropped his phone as a third contraction hit him.
"Ted? Ted?" Marshall said into the phone.
"Ted." Barney opened the door of Ranjit's cab.
"Ted!" Marshall hung up his phone. "We're having a baby."
"So are we!" Barney said as he helped Ted out of the cab. "This is awesome!"
Another cab pulled up behind Ranjit's, and Marshall rushed over to help Lily out.
"Don't forget your phone." Ranjit had picked it up an held it out to them.
Barney took it and paid Ranjit, with a heavy tip, in exchange.
Marshall's excited clamoring had summoned help from the hospital, and people in scrubs helped Ted and Lily into wheelchairs.
"This really hurts," Ted declared.
"Way more than I thought it would," Lily agreed. "At least you get to have a c-section. I have to actually push this kid out myself."
Their doctor met them at the door. "You two sure are determined to do this together, aren't you?" Ted, I'm going to send you up to be prepped while I get Lily settled in and checked over. We'll get your twins delivered, and then I'll come back down for Lily." She looked sternly at the nurse or orderly or whatever behind Ted's chair. "Barney can stay with Ted."
"See you on the other side," Lily said.
"Good luck," Marshall called out as the nurses or orderlies or whatever took them in different directions.
"Barney?"
"Yeah, Ted." Barney kept typing away on his phone.
"You're going to stay the whole time, right?"
Barney switched off his phone and slipped it into a pocket. "Yeah, Ted. The whole time." He took Ted's hand and didn't let go until the nurse made them to get Ted into a bed.
The anesthesiologist came in and gave him something that made the pain fade away into the background.
***
Kids, you don't want to hear this part. It's bloody and the nurse made Barney sit down and put his head between his knees so he wouldn't pass out.
***
"Luke," Ted said when they asked for the boy's name for the birth certificate. "Luke Stinson Mosby. Stinson's the middle name, not hyphenated."
He spelled it out for the nurse and she wrote it down. "And this little lady?" She put her hand on Leia's head where she lay cradled in Ted's arms.
"Leia Stinson Mosby." He spelled "Leia" for her; they didn't want that one to be wrong.
"Ted," Barney said without looking up from where Luke was sucking at a bottle in his arms, "this is amazing."
Ted held Leia a little closer. "I know."
"We're going to take you down to the maternity ward now." The doctor made sure Leia was secure in Ted's arms and sent one of the orderlies out for a second wheelchair for Barney.
"I can walk!"
"With the way you're looking at Luke, you'd trip and fall, and we don't need you as a patient."
Barney acquiesced with a minimum of further grumbling.
"Good." The doctor signed off on something on Ted's chart and hung it back on the end of his bed. "You'll be fine. I'm headed down to check on Lily. We're putting you in the same room, so I'll see you down there."
"Wait!" Barney held out his phone to the nurse. "You should be in a picture with us."
***
That's in your baby book, too.
***
"I am never doing this again! You had better appreciate this, Marshall Erickson, because this is the only child we're ever having!" Lily's voice greeted them as the orderlies pushed open the door to the room.
Barney and Ted exchanged looks.
"Should the kids be hearing this?"
Barney shrugged philosophically. "They're going to hear a lot worse in this life." He cocked his head and said, "Probably also from Lily."
The orderlies helped Ted move from the wheelchair to the bed. Barney got up from his wheelchair on his own. Instead of taking the chair, Barney joined Ted on the bed.
"Okay, Lily, I want you to push now," the doctor said calmly. Lily's answer was loud and couldn't be repeated in polite company. Lily's yelling went on for quite a while, and then there was a moment of blessed silence, and then a baby's wail.
"It's a boy," the doctor announced.
There was the same kind of rustling and fussing there had been for Luke and Leia, and then one of the nurses pulled the curtain open.
"Ted!" Marshall's grin split his face. "We're parents!"
"So are we!" Ted nodded down at the baby in his arms. "This is Leia. Barney has Luke."
"This is Eli." Lily met Ted's eyes across the expanse between their beds. "He's an only child, and he's going to stay that way."
Barney looked adoringly down at Luke. "He won't be lonely. He'll have Luke and Leia to play with too."
***
"Kids, that's the story of how Barney became a monogamist and you were born. And next time your cousin Eli makes any comments about us, you just remind him that you're older."
Luke and Leia rolled their eyes in unison. "Yeah, Dad," Luke answered for both of them. "Can we go now?"
Barney breezed in and leaned down to kiss Ted.
"Barney," Leia appealed to him, "will you please tell Dad to let us go now?"
"It's very important to know your own history," Ted opined.
"The story of your birth is legendary!"
"Yeah, we know," Leia said.
"Dad just told us all about it," Luke added.
Barney shook his head. "Kids," he said to Ted with a fond shake of his head. "Go," he told the kids. "Just be glad," he called after them as they escaped down the hall, "that he didn't get out the baby book."
"I put a lot of work into that baby book," Ted protested.
"I know you did, Ted, but they're teenagers." Barney pulled Ted up and around the coffee table and pushed him down onto the couch. "Let's pretend we're teenagers and make out on the couch."
"We did that last night," Ted said, but he accepted it as Barney settled on top of him.
"But this time it's the middle of the day." Barney kissed Ted to forestall whatever he was going to say, and both the kiss and the tactic were familiar and comfortable. They'd been necking for a while and one of Ted's hands was on Barney's ass when the kids came back through the living room.
"Eww! Dad, Barney, you have your own room."
Ted flushed, but Barney just looked at them. "Did you want something, or are you just interrupting?"
"We're going over to Eli's," Luke told them.
"It's his turn to cook for Sunday dinner, and we're going to help," Leia added.
Barney waved them off. "We'll see you there at six."
The kids left, and Barney grinned down at Ted. "You liked getting caught."
Ted pulled Barney down by the front of his shirt. "I like being married to you. I like having kids with you." He put his hand back on Barney's ass. "Did I ever thank you for becoming a monogamist for us?"
Barney ground down onto Ted. "You could always thank me again."