Title: Like a Bad Habit
Pairing: Yesung/Victoria
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst/Romance
Length: one-shot
Disclaimer: I don't own any of them, SME does. Plot is mine.
Summary: They keep making the same mistakes over and over again, like a bad habit.
Warning: UN-BETA'D. Rushed.
0824 (10:59pm): [You still would have forgiven me, wouldn’t you?]
-
“I miss you.”
Three simple words. Those were three very simple words that evoked indescribable pain within the man who once swore to always stand beside her.
Yesung holds the phone closer to his ear, dark, remorseful eyes casted behind his shadowing fringes. If he could-- if he dared-- he wanted to tell her that he missed her, too. More than she could ever imagine; more than she would be willing to believe.
But he didn’t.
“You’re drunk, Victoria,” is what he decides on saying.
He can hear her sobbing on the other end of the line, a bitter laugh on the tip of her tongue. It hurts him to know that she’s crying-- crying because of him. “You know better than anyone else that I’m not drunk.”
And he did. Compared to any other person, Yesung above all knew that Victoria was perhaps the one and only girl that never got drunk.
She was physically made to consume alcohol.
The silence is overbearing and Yesung strives to keep the words that are forcing their way up his chest down deep in his throat. “I have to go.”
One the other end, he can hear her shuffling about. Maybe she’s in her room, locked away from the rest of the world in a chamber of darkness and suffocating reminiscence-- maybe she was in a place like he was, a place that he considered pain inflicting comfort.
As always, out of habit, he waited for her to first cut the line off before hanging up.
Before her end disconnected, he could vaguely hear her cry of heartache. The words stayed; echoing in his mind, replaying over and over again in his ears.
“I’m hurting.” Victoria whispered. “Can’t you see?”
-
0202 (11:03pm): [If I said that I wouldn’t, would you still come back to me?]
-
In his dreams, Yesung sees Victoria approaching him.
She wears a bright smile, the kind that stretches her full lips from one ear to the other; the kind that upturns her large, round eyes into crescent moons that hang in the beautiful, starry night sky.
It’s his favorite smile, the one he often tells her to show him every time they’re together because he wants her to be happy; he wants her to always be happy.
But even in his dreams he shatters the image of the two of them standing together, side by side, hand in hand, grinning eyes meeting with hopeful ones.
”If we get together, things will just be harder on the both of us.”
Those words remind him that this isn’t entirely a dream, but a reality that he nearly lived once.
Almost.
Victoria’s smile slowly fades and is replaced by a solemn look, eyes filled with confusion and incomprehension. ”Are you breaking up with me?”
Her words weren’t supposed to come out as harsh as they did. As a matter of fact, nothing she ever said to him came out sounding the way they were supposed to, because, around him, she could be comfortable and not have to put up an act.
Around Yesung, Victoria felt as though she could be the worst person in the world, but still be loved and cared for. Even in a foreign place like South Korea.
But suddenly, South Korea didn’t feel nearly as foreign as Yesung did now-- standing in front of her, him being merely a couple steps away, but feeling as though they were an entire world apart.
No, maybe South Korea wasn’t so bad after all.
“It’s hard to break up something that’s never been started. I just think this is all too tiring,” Yesung lied through his teeth. “If we continue on like this, one of us are bound to fall. I can’t keep this up; I’m not fit to be the brave, all forfeiting main-guy.”
Victoria then forced a smile, tilting her head back when she felt a minor stinging in her nose.
Instantly, Yesung recognized the small scrunching in her face and the way her shoulders seemed to crumble every time she was about to cry. He hadn’t seen it often, but he’s seen enough of moments like these; moments when she was driven beyond what she could handle and could hold up a pretense no longer.
She held it back though, the tears that she didn’t want him to ever see again. ”I understand.”
When she turned her back and walked away, Yesung dreamed that he reached out to grasp the ends of her hair. They flowed right through his fingers, the weak brush tingling the nerves in his digits.
Rain began to fall from the heavens, each cloud immediately transforming into a gray-black color. As she slowly disappeared from his sight, he lowered his eyes to the ground; pain-struck, regret, heart-ache all hitting him at once.
”I’m sorry,” he kept chanting under his breath, gasping for air as he held back his own tears. ”I’m so, so sorry.”
-
0824 (11:05pm): [What if I came back to you, but said only for one day? Would that have changed anything?]
-
When he woke up the next day, he realized why it had rained in his dream.
As he lifted a hand to face, he felt the moisture that tainted his eyes, lining a trail down the side of his cheeks into his hair and onto the pillow.
Sungmin, his brother, had asked him what was wrong, but he simply told the younger man that he had a bad dream.
Ryeowook, his best friend, had questioned him about his sudden silence and gloomy expression, but he simply brushed it off as “one of those days.”
Kyuhyun was the only one who had a pretty good idea of what happened but, contrary to what Yesung expected, the snarky and over-protective boy hadn’t said a single word to him.
That, perhaps, was what irked him most the rest of the day.
-
0202 (11:12pm): [Well, if I told you I was willing to wait an eternity for you to consider the words “forever”, would you?]
-
“Qian!”
Yesung was too afraid to lift his eyes from the glass floor of the elevator, waiting nervously as he felt Kyuhyun take a step forward to stop the elevator doors from closing. It must have been two weeks already since the last time he answered her call in the middle of the night.
Eventually, footsteps approach them and two figures entered the lift.
“Thanks,” he heard Victoria say.
“Are you guys practicing today?” Liyin asked.
Kyuhyun nodded, throwing an arm around Yesung’s shoulders. “Sungmin hyung, Donghae hyung and Ryeowook are waiting for us in the music room. We’re practicing for the upcoming talent show.”
Victoria glanced at Yesung, who still had his eyes fixed on something on the ground. She had expected this, perhaps, which was why she didn’t feel as dejected as she might have if she had held any hope in him acting casual with her.
Hearing the big news, Liyin clapped her hands together in awe. “Wow!” She perked, linking her arm with Victoria’s. “We’ll definitely go watch!”
Not once did Victoria’s eyes shift from Yesung’s direction. Kyuhyun watched as Victoria stared intently at his hyung, a weak smile protruding his lips as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, you two have to come and watch.”
When the bell rang and the doors opened, Liyin was the first to jump out and run towards their practice room. Victoria stepped out but hesitated to take another step. Before the elevator shut again, she turned around and reached out to stop the doors from closing.
Kyuhyun’s eyes widened slightly, but Yesung kept his gaze firm on the buttons on the front of the elevator.
“I miss you.”
The words strike an organ and the veins on his neck become a little more prominent.
Yesung wants to say something-- he wants to let her know that he misses her, too; he misses her so much that it could kill him-- but he doesn’t.
The younger boy in the elevator decides not to interfere. Victoria has never been keen on hiding her relationship with his hyung from him, but that doesn’t mean he has to right to step into their issues.
“I just wanted to tell you,” Victoria forces another smile. “Because, maybe then, one day you’ll believe me.”
Despite the strong urge to hold her; the impulse to pull her into his arms with all his force and whisper into her ears “I know, I’ve always known and I believe you, I have never stopped believing in you,” over and over again, Yesung just clears his throat and nods, uncomfortably shifting his weight onto his right leg as he turns his face further to the side.
Victoria takes a step back, watching as the doors close.
She doesn’t notice that Kyuhyun is narrowing his eyes in pain, showing the pain that she refuses to display to other people.
They’ve been friends for so many years; it’s impossible for him not to know how she feels inside. Victoria was like a sister to Kyuhyun and no one-- absolutely no one, not even his best friend-- messes with Cho Kyuhyun’s family.
“You’re a real ass,” Kyuhyun grits through his teeth.
The corners of Yesung’s lips lift weakly, a sigh releasing itself from his lips. “I know, Kyuhyun.”
“This doesn’t solve anything,” Kyuhyun continues. “You’re only causing more pain to her than you would have if you just got together. Look at you two,” he scoffs, turning away, “both of you are impossibly miserable.”
At first, Yesung doesn’t understand what Kyuhyun is saying, until a single tear falls from his chin onto the material of his shirt, dampening it and coloring it a darker shade of black.
Black.
That must be the color of his heart; cold and charcoal black.
-
0824 (11:33pm): [You’re like a bad bruise that swells the flesh of my mind and body; sore, visible and, worst of all, long-lasting.]
-
Being the attached, unrelenting and unforgiving lover has never been her style, but when it came to Yesung, love wasn’t just a game that she could detach herself from with simple willpower.
It wasn’t her intention to cause him guilt or suffering, but she wanted him to know that, no matter what, she still cared for him like she always had in the past. Yet, no matter how strong she may have appeared on the outside, everyone had a breaking point.
If breaking up could truly set him free, then maybe she would be willing to do just that.
Even if it imprisoned her in eternal heartbreak.
For as long as it seemed to be possible for them to have another chance at a relationship, Victoria used every appropriate opportunity to remind him that she was still there for him; still waiting for him.
When she reached her limit, her reassurances came to an end.
He no longer heard her tell him that she missed him; he no longer received late night calls that he would always answer, but excuse as a drunken prank; he no longer anticipated running into her and seeing her ever present smile that was only meant for him.
But Victoria, like a bad habit, she still had faith even if she no longer believed in their fate; hoping that one day he would stop her as she walked past him and tell her to turn around; she wanted to see him standing behind her, with a smile and open, welcoming arms.
Even when the mind stops wanting, the heart does not.
They both learned that the hard way.
-
0202 (11:38pm): [But you’re like a scar; scathing, scabbing and, worst of all, you leave behind a mark that never fades.]
-
Yesung escapes to the rooftop for a fresh breath of air. What he gets, though, is a soft chain of almost silent sobbing.
He walks closer to the crying until he turns a corner and, there she is, in all her tragic glory.
Victoria has her head buried between her knees, arms wrapped around them tightly as her shoulders shake and shiver. She’s never cried this way before, and Yesung isn’t quite sure how he should react-- or if he should even react at all.
“Are you okay?”
Everything becomes still for a moment, but Victoria slowly feels heavy arms falling over her shoulders and a gentle tug that tilts her over into a familiar, warm chest.
“What happened? Is something wrong?”
The cold is fresh against her tear streaked cheeks and she buries them against the collar of his shirt. On instinct, she wraps her arms around his waist and pulls him closer-- so close that she can feel his heart beating against her cheek.
Yesung raises a hand to her head and strokes her long, silky hair. “Is it your parents again?”
She nods and an involuntary gasp follows as she strives for oxygen in between her monitored breaths. “I- I don’t know what to do,” she says, “I try to do what’s best for all of us, but it’s just n-not good enough.”
The silence is a bit overwhelming, but Yesung doesn’t know what to say.
“Maybe I should go back,” Victoria closes her eyes, her small hands gripping the hem of his shirt tightly. She doesn’t want to let go-- not of her studies in South Korea, not of all that she has now, not of Yesung. “If that will make everyone happy, maybe I should just leave.”
“Not everyone would be happy.”
She’d like to ask him what he meant. She wanted to ask him if he was referring to himself; if he would be the one that would be displeased by her departure. But she doesn’t-- she’s learned the hard way, not to probe too deep into things when it comes to this particular man.
If she tried, she would be dealing both of them pain in the end.
“Well, not everyone in this world can get what they want. Some people have to make some sacrifices in order for others to be happy,” Victoria replies. “Don’t you think so?”
He knows well that she learned that from him, so, he simply shrugs.
Neither of them are certain, though, why they have to be that very sacrifice.
Who benefits from their loss? Who gains happiness from their suffering?
And who-- in all this misery-- is the one with the rights to make such a despicable decision? A decision that ruined the both of them, leaving them both in a chain of sorrow and heart ache.
“The stronger you hold me now, the deeper the impression of my pain will be when we part ways again later,” the girl in his arms reminds him.
Just once, just this once, Yesung wants to defy his own logic. “I only want to stay like this a little while longer.”
“That little bit of time could break me,” Victoria laughs weakly. “I can’t handle it alone.”
Yesung smiles, his fingers tightening around her shoulders. “You won’t.”
-
0824 (12:00am): [Our day is over. You’re still with me, aren’t you?]
-
0202 (12:01am): [I’ve never left, have I?]
-
0824 (12:02am): [How much hurt did I cause you?]
-
0202 (12:03am): [Not enough to overcome the happiness you’ve brought me.]
-
0824 (12:04am): [I’m sorry.]
-
0202 (12:05am): [I know.]
-
0824 (12:06am): [I won’t hurt you again.]
-
0202 (12:06pm): [...I know.]
-----
A/N: I got so close to finishing this.. then I went to bed and lost it.. so, I just rushed through the end of it. I just wanted to complete this and lift it off my mind. I hope it's sufficient. Yes, I made 0202 wait twelve hours before responding on purpose. Some people deserve to wait a little longer than others. :)