Big sharing time. Ok so back in February of 2006 I set an intention to be a full time director. I set a date of January 1st 2007.
I didn't make it. As the time approached I became more and more depressed as I realized I was not achieving it. By February of 2007 I was in the worst shape. I was totally stuck in a self make wrong. I didn't look stuck, life was good in general but work stress was on the rise as I was throwing energy down a not want of being there. Finally I took a vacation in Early April, at which point I immediately got sick, nothing like sickness to help you move pain 24/7. I cleared when I could but honestly being sick was so exhausting mostly I just slept and wallowed. After a week and a half I was coming back out of the sickness and the pain was in completion and I was taking stock of my intentions and moving a bit of energy here and there.
During the pain layer I had a great breakdown/breakthrough with Danica and I really started to understand how her identity and mine use each other to either support or hamper our own progress depending on whether we are moving or stuck. In the end it is often a fight that we have that leads to one of us getting unstuck. It is nice to know that our conflict actually improves our relationship and each other instead of tearing us down. When we are in the thick of it sometimes I am at the brink of throwing it all away but then I remember that we both come from a space of love and support so this moment is just a moment of miscommunication/identity clash and not an attempt to wound, hurt, control, etc. the other. The identity may lash out but the love is still there. Pushing through what is present back to the love and pushing out that love towards each other when things are at the worst seems to always shine a white light on a dark moment. Then you can be present and hit the bag instead of each other.
As I came out of the pain layer I was hanging out with Janie and Danica at store when I noticed a flier for the Phoenix film festival. I felt pretty empowered so I ponied up the VIP price tag and set out to jump into the unknown. To my surprise there was little I didn't know except how much I already knew. I knew the sound and light guys for the event, I knew some of the film makers and even some of the volunteers. The best part was they knew me and were excited to see me. One person recognized me soully from a short film I had done back in 2001. I was not in the film It was just a film by me but he liked it so much he raved for 5 minutes and introduced me to his director and Producer. He did this in front of a distributor who promptly gave me a card and told me to call him when I finished my current movie. That is like a record label saying “send me your demo”.
So over the course of the weeklong festival I watch 23 films, met tons of people, did an interview and was handed a script to let them know how much it would cost to shoot out in Phoenix. Thursday and Friday I did it on vacation. The early part of next week I did it while going to work all day then to the festival all night. I was very tired but I was the happiest I had been in a long time. So after the festival sitting at work just felt wrong. The not want of being there was no longer present. It just wasn't my truth anymore but the problem was “What was my truth”. Well shortly after that my tax refund showed up and as I considered what to do with the money I realized I didn't need to be at work anymore. The only reason I was there was for the paycheck and I realized I had reached a level of financial responsibility (another intention) that I no longer needed that paycheck. So I cleared on my intentions and it became clear that this was my truth so I set a date.
July 6th will be my last day at the job that I have been at for 8 and half years. It will also be the end of my career in IT and the beginning of my career in Directing. So what came present as I set out on the new course....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..fear...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..more fear...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..and still more fear. A layer of it for about a month. Clearing almost daily. I was delivered clear signs of making the right move as my authority at work began to slip. I created a perception of ineffectiveness at work. I didn't know why I had created that at first but it was around some self love stuff but as always it was perfect. Even though I producing huge results for the company and outperformed many others my political perception was flagging but I also knew that I did not have the commitment or intention to fix it. The reason it was perfect was because it helped me express and push the anger that was present around quitting. I still had a feeling like I have been beaten. The word resignation has such negative connotations to me and I can't help feeling like I didn't do a good job even though there was tons of evidence to the contrary. So after anger came pain and sadness as I mourned a passing of a part of my life. I was no longer the wonder boy or the go to guy. I hadn't been for while. I let that go and realized that in the process of losing political positioning in the company I also had lost a ton of responsibility. Woot, how perfect! I am planning to leave and they take away the stress and hard part of my job, making my last days pleasant and simple.
OK, so closer to the present but not quite there yet. For a couple of weeks before now I had this strange feeling that I couldn't access my feelings. I was losing sleep, work was excruciatingly boring and my mind was going faster than my thoughts could keep up. Two days ago I called up Greg and he coached to the fear that was present. I was so busy trying to touch the pain and anger that seemed beneath the surface the fear was just piling up. So the last few days I have been moving fear and feeling much better. The empowerment comes in spurts but mostly.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.more fear...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I am empowered and I know I will succeed because that is what I do but I am scared out of my mind and loving it.
Yesterday I put in my resignation letter and there is no going back, so for those that made it this far into the long sharing, there will be a "Retirement" party at my house Friday night, July 6th. Come out and wish me luck and we will ring in 7/7/7 and the start off my new life with a bang. All are welcome and I will gladly except any gold watches ;)