[& NFL: that was a season, wassinit?]
I pretty much treated this year's playoffs with the same "Meh" as I normally did. The Dolphins finished 6-10 which is 3 more games that I would predict they would win and they fired Tony Sparano. THAT was the highlight of my year.
Yes. They suck that bad. Moving on.
But the "Meh" was because there was no team I really cared about...well, besides the Giants and the 49ners and they were heading on a collision course much to my dismay.
Sometimes it's easy to tell when a person started watching football. Started watching in early 2000s? Probably a Patriots fan. Early 90s? Probably a 9ners fan. You have exceptions to the rule (i.e. My friend CP is a Steelers fan, don't know where THAT came from) but I've found it to be normally true. So since David has been a die-hard 9ners fan since he was a kid (aka Joe Montana running around and punching people in the face and pooping out Super Bowls) and he was playing the Giants, a team from his home state of NY, he was only mildly torn.
Blood before home. He was pulling 9ners whole way.
And me? Well I stood on the opposite side of the fence. Why? It's a Manning, come on.
For some reason, Eli gets all the crap that Peyton seemed to escape. Maybe it's because Eli's quieter or the fact his facial expressions range from "You stole my Pokemon cards, you asshole!" and "FUCK YEAH, MOM MADE MEATLOAF I LOVE MEATLOAF." Don't believe me? Google "Eli Manning Happy" and "Eli Manning sad". It's telling. But I think I love him, aside from The Greatest Super Bowl Ever, because he *is* that doofy and a jokester but is low key about it because it's NY. One day, they love you and the next they want to shoot you Old Yeller style and he's dealt with that amazingly well.
Doesn't help he can put a football in a possum's asshole from about 40 yards away just like his brother.
So 9ners/Giants fight ends in the Giants and I finally look at the AFC expecting to see the Ravens and...
...oh hell.
::pinches bridge of nose, sighs::
Hell. Damn. And. Blast.
I find it funny that the douch-i-tude Patriots fans tell me I can't understand because they *need* a 4th Super Bowl to validate Tom Brady and--BITCH I'D BE HAPPY WITH A PLAYOFF SPOT. AND SO WOULD THE BROWNS, SEAHAWKS, LIONS, JAGUARS, AND VIKINGS. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THEY WON SOMETHING BESIDES THE DRAFT. ARE YOU SHITTING ME YOU UNGRATEFUL--
Sorry. Lost my shit for a minute.
Anyway.
To quote ones of my former associates at CompUSA, "You only hate the Patriots because they do the thing your team can't--win." Not really. I don't hate the Colts or the 9ners. The Saints or the Giants. Packers? Clay Matthews is hot so no. Steelers? Harrison is an asshole but I don't hate the team. So it's not just that "they win", it's the overall smugness and entitled attitude and *they're in the same division as my team*. I hate the Georgia Bulldogs because it's fucking Georgia and I'm a Gator's fan. Nevermind they haven't won shit. I hate the Crimson Tide because of that asshole Nick Saban and they win. Know what they have in common? They're both in the SEC. The same division as my team. That overshadows anything else. I don't expect fans of them to be happy when my team wins--as a matter of fact, I expect them to loathe me and everything I stand for. Sports me that is. I talked about how "sports hate" is really an illusion but I'm not going to rehash.
Besides that, it was a replay of 2008 and I'm just waiting for the text messages, the facebook posts, and twitter replies of "SUX TO BE YOU! TOUCHDOWN TAWWMY BRADY IS THE BEST EVA". Because the Giants were going to lose. This cannot happen twice in a row. I accepted my fate and moved on.
The problem is that that tiny little flicker in me couldn't accept that. So I said the same thing to Amber that I said before--"If Eli Manning manages to pull this off, I will give him my first and second born. Hell I'll carry his second kid so his wife doesn't have to get fat. Just...man..." Last time I was playing World of Warcraft while watching the game and I briefly thought about re-activating so I could do the same. Instead I played Star Wars and put on the Shepard Hoodie and tried not to care, tried to fill myself with the inevitable sadness that was to come.
I didn't even drink.
Didn't stop me from snapping one keyboard in half, ripping the keys out of another, and booting a trashcan 20 feet into a pool for no calls, bad calls, and calling run plays up the middle because what the fuck was that?!
I probably care far more than I should. Actually I *know* I do. But the emotional payoff is counter to the sadness and rage.
I didn't sit for the last 5 minutes of the game. Just stood with my hands over my mouth, feeling ill. I couldn't eat wings. I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch. I couldn't look away. If I was going to die a little inside, I was going to stare Death it it's little red, white, and blue face.
Turns out that the *other* team was also red, white, and blue. And when that pass hit the ground, it's a sport happiness. One I can't explain to people that don't like sports. It's schadenfreude wrapped in chocolate and sex. It's irrational and stupid and not even worth it in the grand scheme of things--I still have plenty of things in real life to be happy about. Friends, a job, ability to pay my student loans.
But in that moment...I can't even put into words. I screamed, ran to the door screaming, ran back, slid on the hardwood floor "Risky Business" style, yelled something to the effect of the horrible things I would do to Eli Manning in gratitude, grabbed a bottle of raspberry vodka and started chugging. People tackled me--literally tackled me, screaming in happiness too, running around our house, jumping on couches, one of my friends leaped into the pool. Liquor came out immediately, shots all around.
Only 1 out of 15 of us was an actual die hard big blue Giants fan. David's dad called me screaming (the Giants *are* his favorite team) and apologized for doubting Eli Manning during the season and laughing at me when I said they were going to the playoffs. I called my friend Brandi who's also a Dolphins fan and heard nothing but screaming at her place too. "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. I DON'T EVEN NEED CHILDREN, JUST THIS!" she yelled.
In that moment, we were goddamn Legion. At least a hundred people I know personally locked in happiness not because their team won but the team they hated lost.
Needless to say, that was a hangover I'd have again and again.
---
As far as the Dolphins go, continuing on their choo-choo of suck-a-tude and hanging out 3rd in the AFC East (thank god for the Bills) they hired the Packer's offensive coordinator as their coach.
Wait. Someone...that does offense? On the Dolphins. Wat. Brb, stroking out.
Ok, back. Holy shit, that's the happiest about a hiring I've ever been. They guy has won crap before, like, I don't know, THE GODDAMN SUPER BOWL. He knows what he's doing...and he trained Matt Flynn? The Matt Flynn that looked freakin' amazing the last game of the season for the Packers?
The same Matt Flynn that's a free agent?
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Put the breaks on my happy train to then have me look north to my second favorite quarterback and third favorite player of all time (after of course Dan Marino and Dan Marino and Mark Duper), Peyton Manning. He's coming off of neck surgery and is 36. I don't want him hurt because I luffs him (while wearing pants...long story) and I still want him to win another ring to tie his brother.
Miami is not the place to do that.
I always joke, "I like Peyton, I don't wish the Dolphins upon him." but it's true. But it's also selfish--the Dolphins don't need to win right now. Hell, I've dealt with them sucking for 15 years, what's another 4 while they train a QB? That and there's no offensive line to speak of (after free agency) and I really don't want my Pey-Pey hurt. /pats Invisible Peyton Manning. He'd be a bridge--an awesome bridge, a sexy throwing arm bridge (read: not actually sexy but damn does he throw a fine ass spiral)--but a bridge, just like Chad Pennington but waaaaaaaaaay better.
Get Robert Griffin III, he'll probably suck and we'll be back at square one but whatever. At least you're be drafting a QB and not another Center. Or Left Tackle. Or Right Guard. IT'S THE FIRST ROUND JEFF IRELAND, I KIND OF WANT YOU TO GET HURT BUT BE OK IN THE END BECAUSE I'M NICE. DRAFT. A. DAMN. QUARTERBACK.
::breathes::
--
Now for predictions:
Super Bowl:
The Giants aren't winning the Super Bowl. They'll go 9-7 and get bounced from the playoffs and everyone in NY will want to fire Tom Coughlin again.
Instead I'm going 49ners/Texans. BLAM!
AFC:
The top as usual will be the Patriots. Their defense is old but the other 3 teams don't have anything to take advantage of it. 11-5
The Jets will clean up some of their locker room poison. If not, Rex Ryan AND Mark Sanchez is sittin' on the hot seat. 10-6
The Bills gave Mr. Fitzy a contract and I believe he'll play up to it with the receiving corps that he has. 9-7
The Dolphins will either be training a new quarterback or being dragged kicking and screaming by Peyton Manning. Hopefully the former because their defense is missing some key players. 8-8 no matter what happens.
Basement babies ahoy!
Good Night and Good Luck
Yes. They suck that bad. Moving on.
But the "Meh" was because there was no team I really cared about...well, besides the Giants and the 49ners and they were heading on a collision course much to my dismay.
Sometimes it's easy to tell when a person started watching football. Started watching in early 2000s? Probably a Patriots fan. Early 90s? Probably a 9ners fan. You have exceptions to the rule (i.e. My friend CP is a Steelers fan, don't know where THAT came from) but I've found it to be normally true. So since David has been a die-hard 9ners fan since he was a kid (aka Joe Montana running around and punching people in the face and pooping out Super Bowls) and he was playing the Giants, a team from his home state of NY, he was only mildly torn.
Blood before home. He was pulling 9ners whole way.
And me? Well I stood on the opposite side of the fence. Why? It's a Manning, come on.
For some reason, Eli gets all the crap that Peyton seemed to escape. Maybe it's because Eli's quieter or the fact his facial expressions range from "You stole my Pokemon cards, you asshole!" and "FUCK YEAH, MOM MADE MEATLOAF I LOVE MEATLOAF." Don't believe me? Google "Eli Manning Happy" and "Eli Manning sad". It's telling. But I think I love him, aside from The Greatest Super Bowl Ever, because he *is* that doofy and a jokester but is low key about it because it's NY. One day, they love you and the next they want to shoot you Old Yeller style and he's dealt with that amazingly well.
Doesn't help he can put a football in a possum's asshole from about 40 yards away just like his brother.
So 9ners/Giants fight ends in the Giants and I finally look at the AFC expecting to see the Ravens and...
...oh hell.
::pinches bridge of nose, sighs::
Hell. Damn. And. Blast.
I find it funny that the douch-i-tude Patriots fans tell me I can't understand because they *need* a 4th Super Bowl to validate Tom Brady and--BITCH I'D BE HAPPY WITH A PLAYOFF SPOT. AND SO WOULD THE BROWNS, SEAHAWKS, LIONS, JAGUARS, AND VIKINGS. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THEY WON SOMETHING BESIDES THE DRAFT. ARE YOU SHITTING ME YOU UNGRATEFUL--
Sorry. Lost my shit for a minute.
Anyway.
To quote ones of my former associates at CompUSA, "You only hate the Patriots because they do the thing your team can't--win." Not really. I don't hate the Colts or the 9ners. The Saints or the Giants. Packers? Clay Matthews is hot so no. Steelers? Harrison is an asshole but I don't hate the team. So it's not just that "they win", it's the overall smugness and entitled attitude and *they're in the same division as my team*. I hate the Georgia Bulldogs because it's fucking Georgia and I'm a Gator's fan. Nevermind they haven't won shit. I hate the Crimson Tide because of that asshole Nick Saban and they win. Know what they have in common? They're both in the SEC. The same division as my team. That overshadows anything else. I don't expect fans of them to be happy when my team wins--as a matter of fact, I expect them to loathe me and everything I stand for. Sports me that is. I talked about how "sports hate" is really an illusion but I'm not going to rehash.
Besides that, it was a replay of 2008 and I'm just waiting for the text messages, the facebook posts, and twitter replies of "SUX TO BE YOU! TOUCHDOWN TAWWMY BRADY IS THE BEST EVA". Because the Giants were going to lose. This cannot happen twice in a row. I accepted my fate and moved on.
The problem is that that tiny little flicker in me couldn't accept that. So I said the same thing to Amber that I said before--"If Eli Manning manages to pull this off, I will give him my first and second born. Hell I'll carry his second kid so his wife doesn't have to get fat. Just...man..." Last time I was playing World of Warcraft while watching the game and I briefly thought about re-activating so I could do the same. Instead I played Star Wars and put on the Shepard Hoodie and tried not to care, tried to fill myself with the inevitable sadness that was to come.
I didn't even drink.
Didn't stop me from snapping one keyboard in half, ripping the keys out of another, and booting a trashcan 20 feet into a pool for no calls, bad calls, and calling run plays up the middle because what the fuck was that?!
I probably care far more than I should. Actually I *know* I do. But the emotional payoff is counter to the sadness and rage.
I didn't sit for the last 5 minutes of the game. Just stood with my hands over my mouth, feeling ill. I couldn't eat wings. I couldn't do anything but stand there and watch. I couldn't look away. If I was going to die a little inside, I was going to stare Death it it's little red, white, and blue face.
Turns out that the *other* team was also red, white, and blue. And when that pass hit the ground, it's a sport happiness. One I can't explain to people that don't like sports. It's schadenfreude wrapped in chocolate and sex. It's irrational and stupid and not even worth it in the grand scheme of things--I still have plenty of things in real life to be happy about. Friends, a job, ability to pay my student loans.
But in that moment...I can't even put into words. I screamed, ran to the door screaming, ran back, slid on the hardwood floor "Risky Business" style, yelled something to the effect of the horrible things I would do to Eli Manning in gratitude, grabbed a bottle of raspberry vodka and started chugging. People tackled me--literally tackled me, screaming in happiness too, running around our house, jumping on couches, one of my friends leaped into the pool. Liquor came out immediately, shots all around.
Only 1 out of 15 of us was an actual die hard big blue Giants fan. David's dad called me screaming (the Giants *are* his favorite team) and apologized for doubting Eli Manning during the season and laughing at me when I said they were going to the playoffs. I called my friend Brandi who's also a Dolphins fan and heard nothing but screaming at her place too. "MY LIFE IS COMPLETE. I DON'T EVEN NEED CHILDREN, JUST THIS!" she yelled.
In that moment, we were goddamn Legion. At least a hundred people I know personally locked in happiness not because their team won but the team they hated lost.
Needless to say, that was a hangover I'd have again and again.
---
As far as the Dolphins go, continuing on their choo-choo of suck-a-tude and hanging out 3rd in the AFC East (thank god for the Bills) they hired the Packer's offensive coordinator as their coach.
Wait. Someone...that does offense? On the Dolphins. Wat. Brb, stroking out.
Ok, back. Holy shit, that's the happiest about a hiring I've ever been. They guy has won crap before, like, I don't know, THE GODDAMN SUPER BOWL. He knows what he's doing...and he trained Matt Flynn? The Matt Flynn that looked freakin' amazing the last game of the season for the Packers?
The same Matt Flynn that's a free agent?
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Put the breaks on my happy train to then have me look north to my second favorite quarterback and third favorite player of all time (after of course Dan Marino and Dan Marino and Mark Duper), Peyton Manning. He's coming off of neck surgery and is 36. I don't want him hurt because I luffs him (while wearing pants...long story) and I still want him to win another ring to tie his brother.
Miami is not the place to do that.
I always joke, "I like Peyton, I don't wish the Dolphins upon him." but it's true. But it's also selfish--the Dolphins don't need to win right now. Hell, I've dealt with them sucking for 15 years, what's another 4 while they train a QB? That and there's no offensive line to speak of (after free agency) and I really don't want my Pey-Pey hurt. /pats Invisible Peyton Manning. He'd be a bridge--an awesome bridge, a sexy throwing arm bridge (read: not actually sexy but damn does he throw a fine ass spiral)--but a bridge, just like Chad Pennington but waaaaaaaaaay better.
Get Robert Griffin III, he'll probably suck and we'll be back at square one but whatever. At least you're be drafting a QB and not another Center. Or Left Tackle. Or Right Guard. IT'S THE FIRST ROUND JEFF IRELAND, I KIND OF WANT YOU TO GET HURT BUT BE OK IN THE END BECAUSE I'M NICE. DRAFT. A. DAMN. QUARTERBACK.
::breathes::
--
Now for predictions:
Super Bowl:
The Giants aren't winning the Super Bowl. They'll go 9-7 and get bounced from the playoffs and everyone in NY will want to fire Tom Coughlin again.
Instead I'm going 49ners/Texans. BLAM!
AFC:
The top as usual will be the Patriots. Their defense is old but the other 3 teams don't have anything to take advantage of it. 11-5
The Jets will clean up some of their locker room poison. If not, Rex Ryan AND Mark Sanchez is sittin' on the hot seat. 10-6
The Bills gave Mr. Fitzy a contract and I believe he'll play up to it with the receiving corps that he has. 9-7
The Dolphins will either be training a new quarterback or being dragged kicking and screaming by Peyton Manning. Hopefully the former because their defense is missing some key players. 8-8 no matter what happens.
Basement babies ahoy!
Good Night and Good Luck