(no subject)
First of all, a big hug to Elfie. You always respond with empathy when I ramble. It's nice. I know I don't always acknowledge it, but I am always grateful.
Now I'm just going to spit everything out. I've found that I'm clogging up and getting more emotional since I had to quit seeing my therapist. She moved back to her hometown after finishing her internship. This is inconvenient because I was not really at a point when I was ready to end treatment. I hear that most every therapist offers a income-based scale for payment, so I know I should just start calling around and find someone. I'm scared, though. It's really daunting to go into someone new and wonder and worry if you're going to be able to connect with them. I really miss Kiri for that reason. She and I really clicked and I felt totally comfortable being blindingly honest with her. Even if it was something I didn't want to admit, I was able to do it when I was in the same room with her. I was also able to cry. Nowadays, I never cry unless it's a deluge built up from days and days of pain and bottling. I've got to do something, because I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm backsliding, and starting to relapse. I really, really want to starve right now.
I gave in and ate something a while ago. Really greasy junk food. So bad for me that it makes me worry that the little bit of time I spent on the elliptical machine wasn't nearly enough.
Fuck it. I've been working out for a month and seen no reasults already. I'm torn between wanting to give up and just get extremely obese, or put a stranglehold on my calorie intake. I did some calculations. If I keep working out as I have been (said working out would necessitate the taking of ephedra for enough energy just to finish said workout) and maintain a daily caloric intake of 400 kcal, I can be down to 126 lbs by my one year annivesary, February 16. So, so tempted, and not entirely unsure if I'm not going to do it.
The relationship's having a lot to do with my current mindset today. The eating disorder predisposes to me sheer lunacy brought on by daily dissapointments. My boyfriend got the day off today. He told me last night that if he didn't have to work today, he was going to go spend the day with his friend Zach. I shouldn't have a problem with this. It's absolutely reasonable. Perhaps a little bit more notice, but still nothing that should cause depression or seperation anxiety in a normal funtioning adult, right? He gets the call at about 5 am that they wouldn't need him today. So, I more or less woke up at 5 because from that point on, I was so anxious that I couldn't sleep. WHY THE FUCK WAS I SO ANXIOUS? WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SO ANXIOUS?
You see, I have a real problem with reconciling what's going on in my head (You're pretty, Joe loves you, you're smart, time to yourself, things are ok) with what's going on in my...well...I want to say heart, but really it's still in my head. My negative mind. My disordered self. The other side of me that rules my life with an iron fist. (You're fat, repulsive, revolting. He's going down there to get away from your gross ass. You drive him nuts. You make him crazy and unhappy. God, you suck. You're FUCKING WORTHLESS.)
It's getting to the point now where I feel crazy. I feel like my brains are going to rebel and crawl out of my head. I feel like going to sleep and staying that way. It's time like this when I wonder what it would be like to jerk my steering wheel in traffic and bury my car under a semi. I almost wish I'd die, but I feel it's wrong to do it. It's selfish. No matter how bad I feel, it's not worth it to make my family suffer. Because, for whatever reason, they've got this wierd attachment to me. Far be it from me to remove it.
So, I sit here and live in my head. I wish I could just turn it all off.
I keep trying to think of why I have so many problems believing Joe when he tells me he loves me. I keep thinking, "Yeah, he may think he does, but one day he'll meet some beautiful girl and realize that he was wrong." It was like I was telling someone today- I honestly do not think I am pretty. I do not think I am sexy. I find myself repugnant. I make myself sick. I think I have such a hard time enjoying and getting off during sex because of that reason.
I am trying to keep myself distracted now. Barring, of course, the journal post. Because I'm hoping that getting things out will help me find things I didn't realize I was thinking. It happens from time to time. I was texting my email this afternoon and realized that I am not anxious now because I'm afraid Joe will cheat on me. I'm anxious because I believe he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe he doesn't. We all need time to be with other people and do other things. This should be okay. I'm terrified of it. I was so passive aggressive when I spoke to him this morning. I really wanted to shout out, "Why don't you want to be with me?! Why are you pushing me away?! I need you! I don't want to be without you! I'm afraid you won't come back!" Or I'm sorely tempted to shout out hateful shit like, "Make sure you wear a fucking condom, you WHORE! Make sure you wash off after you fuck whoever it is you're fucking!" So angry and so untrue. I ask myself, examining it in the pit of my belly...do I really think Joe would cheat? No. I really, truly don't. I'm afraid he's going to leave me.
I have a hard time keeping the crazy in. But I know that if I don't, he will leave me for sure.
Now I'm just going to spit everything out. I've found that I'm clogging up and getting more emotional since I had to quit seeing my therapist. She moved back to her hometown after finishing her internship. This is inconvenient because I was not really at a point when I was ready to end treatment. I hear that most every therapist offers a income-based scale for payment, so I know I should just start calling around and find someone. I'm scared, though. It's really daunting to go into someone new and wonder and worry if you're going to be able to connect with them. I really miss Kiri for that reason. She and I really clicked and I felt totally comfortable being blindingly honest with her. Even if it was something I didn't want to admit, I was able to do it when I was in the same room with her. I was also able to cry. Nowadays, I never cry unless it's a deluge built up from days and days of pain and bottling. I've got to do something, because I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm backsliding, and starting to relapse. I really, really want to starve right now.
I gave in and ate something a while ago. Really greasy junk food. So bad for me that it makes me worry that the little bit of time I spent on the elliptical machine wasn't nearly enough.
Fuck it. I've been working out for a month and seen no reasults already. I'm torn between wanting to give up and just get extremely obese, or put a stranglehold on my calorie intake. I did some calculations. If I keep working out as I have been (said working out would necessitate the taking of ephedra for enough energy just to finish said workout) and maintain a daily caloric intake of 400 kcal, I can be down to 126 lbs by my one year annivesary, February 16. So, so tempted, and not entirely unsure if I'm not going to do it.
The relationship's having a lot to do with my current mindset today. The eating disorder predisposes to me sheer lunacy brought on by daily dissapointments. My boyfriend got the day off today. He told me last night that if he didn't have to work today, he was going to go spend the day with his friend Zach. I shouldn't have a problem with this. It's absolutely reasonable. Perhaps a little bit more notice, but still nothing that should cause depression or seperation anxiety in a normal funtioning adult, right? He gets the call at about 5 am that they wouldn't need him today. So, I more or less woke up at 5 because from that point on, I was so anxious that I couldn't sleep. WHY THE FUCK WAS I SO ANXIOUS? WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SO ANXIOUS?
You see, I have a real problem with reconciling what's going on in my head (You're pretty, Joe loves you, you're smart, time to yourself, things are ok) with what's going on in my...well...I want to say heart, but really it's still in my head. My negative mind. My disordered self. The other side of me that rules my life with an iron fist. (You're fat, repulsive, revolting. He's going down there to get away from your gross ass. You drive him nuts. You make him crazy and unhappy. God, you suck. You're FUCKING WORTHLESS.)
It's getting to the point now where I feel crazy. I feel like my brains are going to rebel and crawl out of my head. I feel like going to sleep and staying that way. It's time like this when I wonder what it would be like to jerk my steering wheel in traffic and bury my car under a semi. I almost wish I'd die, but I feel it's wrong to do it. It's selfish. No matter how bad I feel, it's not worth it to make my family suffer. Because, for whatever reason, they've got this wierd attachment to me. Far be it from me to remove it.
So, I sit here and live in my head. I wish I could just turn it all off.
I keep trying to think of why I have so many problems believing Joe when he tells me he loves me. I keep thinking, "Yeah, he may think he does, but one day he'll meet some beautiful girl and realize that he was wrong." It was like I was telling someone today- I honestly do not think I am pretty. I do not think I am sexy. I find myself repugnant. I make myself sick. I think I have such a hard time enjoying and getting off during sex because of that reason.
I am trying to keep myself distracted now. Barring, of course, the journal post. Because I'm hoping that getting things out will help me find things I didn't realize I was thinking. It happens from time to time. I was texting my email this afternoon and realized that I am not anxious now because I'm afraid Joe will cheat on me. I'm anxious because I believe he doesn't want to be around me. Maybe he doesn't. We all need time to be with other people and do other things. This should be okay. I'm terrified of it. I was so passive aggressive when I spoke to him this morning. I really wanted to shout out, "Why don't you want to be with me?! Why are you pushing me away?! I need you! I don't want to be without you! I'm afraid you won't come back!" Or I'm sorely tempted to shout out hateful shit like, "Make sure you wear a fucking condom, you WHORE! Make sure you wash off after you fuck whoever it is you're fucking!" So angry and so untrue. I ask myself, examining it in the pit of my belly...do I really think Joe would cheat? No. I really, truly don't. I'm afraid he's going to leave me.
I have a hard time keeping the crazy in. But I know that if I don't, he will leave me for sure.