Absolution
Oh my, it's been a long trip to rock bottom. But I guess you gotta hit it to want to come up, right?
And believe me, you have to want to get out of it. I sure didn't, cause I was pretty sure if I closed my eyes real tight and make a wish, things were going to go back the way they were. You can't blame the rational feet-planted-on-the-ground girl for wanting to dream a little. Well, it blinded me.
Death somehow sets you free. And with the risk of sounding way too dramatic, which is not my intention, it really means death to the last 5 years of my life and the person I shared my life with, because there's was no recognition of soul standing left. Acts spoke for themselves, like they all said it would be.
You gotta admit when you're alone in a battle. Actually, when there's no battle and no rescue at all. Well, God knows I tried.
And I could be insanely mad at the world, but I'm actually genuinely grateful for setting me free from my mission and my long years of grief. Because it is clear to me now that I deserve so, so much more. That I did not deserve the crap I've been through, and even if I did, check was cashed, and I'm even. Now I feel the right to be happy, to move on and open a new chapter of my life. And it was a long walk to get to this.
It is time now to gain control over my life again, my dignity, self steem, self respect.
And I'm glad year is over. Can't complain, though, it was all about deep lows and outstanding highs. Survived mom's threat of cancer, long surgeries, job tensions, crappy birthday, endless job interviews (yeah, still on that, but a new breath of hope for next year), 2 weeks travelling nonstop in family across the world (hah, but that was amazing). The way I see it, this situation now was just another bump in the road. And my oldest friends, oh poor them, they all remember I've been there already. Hahah crying in the bathroom, underaged getting drunk, lighting candles, writing mixed song lyrics, cursing all men.. hahaha so lame! And today it seems like... hickups. Hah, so optimistic, which you all know I can be =)
Point is I'm hurt, but it's much better to have closure and feel free to heal, than to be in continuum misery allied to invisible hopes.
Now I'm deleting and throwing out old memories because the ones that matter will be with me, and it was about time I learned that! And as of now, our music will be just my music, our places will be just my place, because there's no reason to give up on the things you love. How ironic is that? =)
It wouldn't be fair if I never mentioned how grateful I am for the friends who watched for me. I know I can be a real pain, and talk about the same things. over and over. And oooooover. The ones who came back into my life and the ones that never left. And even the ones who left, door is open now, if it is any worth.
Oh, and the learnings. Geez, a woman's mind never shuts down, does it?
One thing I noticed is that things are not black and white anymore, like I was told. I can see shades of gray - and that is awesome.
My priorities in life have changed, for I'm glad therapy got me out of that trap I put myself into. That nonsense determination to prove myself to others, my family mostly. To be amazingly successful, to build a unique empire, to drown into work uncondicionally and in any ways necessary, even if it meant I could not afford to make mistakes and go back.
I mean, I still have my ambitions to have a successful career, who doesn't? But having a balanced life seems most important to me now. If I die, I will surely not think "oh man, how much I'm gonna miss being a fashion designer". Build a family of my own, find someone to partner up with me, who wants to build a life together with, you know? But really commit. Is that too much to ask for nowadays? Yeah, maybe it is. The trick part is that I have no control over this part, unlike work. Maybe this man i'm looking for will never come. In fact, I was raised to build my life as my own, relying on no man on earth, and I believe that to be one of the greatest things my mother ever taught me. But the fact that I can build things by myself shouldn't mean that I must be solitary in that journey.
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm too young to know life, even if my therapist says I think and live like a 42-year-old.
Maybe I'm romantic way over the line, despite of being a virgo, rational and methodic and cold hearted, as I'm usually seen.
I guess I like the fact that even after darkest hours, I'm still not skeptical about love.
In a simplistic sight, even if the concept of love is overrated and terrifying, life and dreams are pretty much about it, ain't it?
Ok, ok, I'm pure sugar today, yuck! But really, in a sunny bright day like today, I start to think that, in theory, our life should be less about fear and more about love: fear of failing, fear of being poor, fear of disappointing, fear of facing people, fear of hurting them or getting hurt, fear of being alone, fear of taking risks, fear of discovering you're not even half of the person you'd like to be.
Instead, love what you do - and do the things you love; love what you are - and be the person you'd love to be; love the ones in your life (and definitely don't take them for granted, because eventually they'll leave, so accept the time you have with them); love what you can't see (spiritually, and it is never too late); love your life.
Accept your good or bad decisions and their consequences, and move on.
Come unstuck.
And to come unstuck, you either pull yourself together towards the light, or you hit rock bottom. I tried the first, but it only worked with the second. Unfortunately, there's no inertia in it. You gotta want it. And it's fine if you don't want it, for now, because it's effin hard.
But I tell you: there's nothing poetic in darkness, like we usually think. It's just friggin' ugly and cold.
And believe me, you have to want to get out of it. I sure didn't, cause I was pretty sure if I closed my eyes real tight and make a wish, things were going to go back the way they were. You can't blame the rational feet-planted-on-the-ground girl for wanting to dream a little. Well, it blinded me.
Death somehow sets you free. And with the risk of sounding way too dramatic, which is not my intention, it really means death to the last 5 years of my life and the person I shared my life with, because there's was no recognition of soul standing left. Acts spoke for themselves, like they all said it would be.
You gotta admit when you're alone in a battle. Actually, when there's no battle and no rescue at all. Well, God knows I tried.
And I could be insanely mad at the world, but I'm actually genuinely grateful for setting me free from my mission and my long years of grief. Because it is clear to me now that I deserve so, so much more. That I did not deserve the crap I've been through, and even if I did, check was cashed, and I'm even. Now I feel the right to be happy, to move on and open a new chapter of my life. And it was a long walk to get to this.
It is time now to gain control over my life again, my dignity, self steem, self respect.
And I'm glad year is over. Can't complain, though, it was all about deep lows and outstanding highs. Survived mom's threat of cancer, long surgeries, job tensions, crappy birthday, endless job interviews (yeah, still on that, but a new breath of hope for next year), 2 weeks travelling nonstop in family across the world (hah, but that was amazing). The way I see it, this situation now was just another bump in the road. And my oldest friends, oh poor them, they all remember I've been there already. Hahah crying in the bathroom, underaged getting drunk, lighting candles, writing mixed song lyrics, cursing all men.. hahaha so lame! And today it seems like... hickups. Hah, so optimistic, which you all know I can be =)
Point is I'm hurt, but it's much better to have closure and feel free to heal, than to be in continuum misery allied to invisible hopes.
Now I'm deleting and throwing out old memories because the ones that matter will be with me, and it was about time I learned that! And as of now, our music will be just my music, our places will be just my place, because there's no reason to give up on the things you love. How ironic is that? =)
It wouldn't be fair if I never mentioned how grateful I am for the friends who watched for me. I know I can be a real pain, and talk about the same things. over and over. And oooooover. The ones who came back into my life and the ones that never left. And even the ones who left, door is open now, if it is any worth.
Oh, and the learnings. Geez, a woman's mind never shuts down, does it?
One thing I noticed is that things are not black and white anymore, like I was told. I can see shades of gray - and that is awesome.
My priorities in life have changed, for I'm glad therapy got me out of that trap I put myself into. That nonsense determination to prove myself to others, my family mostly. To be amazingly successful, to build a unique empire, to drown into work uncondicionally and in any ways necessary, even if it meant I could not afford to make mistakes and go back.
I mean, I still have my ambitions to have a successful career, who doesn't? But having a balanced life seems most important to me now. If I die, I will surely not think "oh man, how much I'm gonna miss being a fashion designer". Build a family of my own, find someone to partner up with me, who wants to build a life together with, you know? But really commit. Is that too much to ask for nowadays? Yeah, maybe it is. The trick part is that I have no control over this part, unlike work. Maybe this man i'm looking for will never come. In fact, I was raised to build my life as my own, relying on no man on earth, and I believe that to be one of the greatest things my mother ever taught me. But the fact that I can build things by myself shouldn't mean that I must be solitary in that journey.
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm too young to know life, even if my therapist says I think and live like a 42-year-old.
Maybe I'm romantic way over the line, despite of being a virgo, rational and methodic and cold hearted, as I'm usually seen.
I guess I like the fact that even after darkest hours, I'm still not skeptical about love.
In a simplistic sight, even if the concept of love is overrated and terrifying, life and dreams are pretty much about it, ain't it?
Ok, ok, I'm pure sugar today, yuck! But really, in a sunny bright day like today, I start to think that, in theory, our life should be less about fear and more about love: fear of failing, fear of being poor, fear of disappointing, fear of facing people, fear of hurting them or getting hurt, fear of being alone, fear of taking risks, fear of discovering you're not even half of the person you'd like to be.
Instead, love what you do - and do the things you love; love what you are - and be the person you'd love to be; love the ones in your life (and definitely don't take them for granted, because eventually they'll leave, so accept the time you have with them); love what you can't see (spiritually, and it is never too late); love your life.
Accept your good or bad decisions and their consequences, and move on.
Come unstuck.
And to come unstuck, you either pull yourself together towards the light, or you hit rock bottom. I tried the first, but it only worked with the second. Unfortunately, there's no inertia in it. You gotta want it. And it's fine if you don't want it, for now, because it's effin hard.
But I tell you: there's nothing poetic in darkness, like we usually think. It's just friggin' ugly and cold.