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Mmm, <3 this one was fun to do.
Check, Please
By Roo Bosco
[November 18, 2004]
Copyright ã 2004 by Roo Bosco
Characters:
Allison - 30
Brad - 32
Waitress
Time:
Present. Night-time
Place:
A candlelit table for two at an Italian restaurant. There are a few people around, all couples. There is a very romantic feel.
(As the lights come on, the scene opens to a restaurant and a couple sitting across from each other at a table. They are looking at menus, and ALLISON is frantically trying to get the attention of a WAITRESS.)
BRAD:
It was very nice of you to ask me out, Allison. I had a great time at the movie.
ALLISON:
(Clearly annoyed.) Yeah, well I had no idea that you wanted to see the re-release of “Gone With the Wind” so badly or I would have just suggested dinner. For the love of God, where is our waitress?!
BRAD:
Oh, I don’t know, but I’m not ready to order yet anyway. I can’t decide if I want a salad or turkey club.
ALLISON:
This is an Italian restaurant, Brad. Get something more than a salad; you’ll be glad you did later, I promise.
BRAD:
Oh, no, I couldn’t. I’m trying to watch my figure, you know. I mean, there are so many carbs in this pasta, I don’t understand how you could even think of eating it.
(ALLISON smacks her head with her palm and tries to flag down a passing WAITRESS. The WAITRESS walks by.)
ALLISON:
Dear Lord, will someone please come and take our order?!
(The WAITRESS stops in her tracks, turns around and puts on a fake smile as she walks back to the table)
WAITRESS:
Yes, may I take your order?
ALLISON:
Yes, I’d like a -
BRAD:
Oh, no, not yet, I haven’t decided. Could you give us a minute?
ALLISON:
Why don’t I just order for you?
(The WAITERSS begins to walk off.)
BRAD:
Oh, would you? That’d be great. Just nothing with too much fat.
(ALLISON turns back to the WAITRESS, who is now gone.)
ALLISON:
Wait - come back! You didn’t take our order. (Softly) Oh God, could this night get any worse?
BRAD:
What was that?
ALLISON:
I said, “I used to have a horse.”
BRAD:
Did you? You know, I just love horses. I always wanted a pony when I was a boy, but my parents always told me we wouldn’t have enough room in the yard for it. (He wipes away a tear.) I really wanted that pony…
ALLISON:
Yeah, fine, whatever. Waitress! Please, I’m begging you, if you even have a shred of humanity in you, you’ll come back! (She sighs.) This is a nightmare; I think I’m going to cry.
BRAD:
What did you say? I didn’t hear you.
ALLISON:
I said, this is so much fun, I could just die.
(The WAITRESS returns.)
WAITRESS: Are you ready yet?
ALLISON:
Yes, I’ll have the angel hair pasta and some antipasto to start.
WAITRESS:
And for you, sir?
BRAD:
Oh, I don’t know what would you recommend?
WAITRESS:
Well, for tonight we have a special of…
(The WAITRESS and BRAD pantomime a conversation about the food and ALLISON turns to the audience. The lights fade and there is a spotlight on ALLISON.)
ALLISON:
(Whispering loudly.) So I meet this guy (She motions to BRAD.) And he’s great. He’s sweet and polite and Hell, I mean look at him - he’s gorgeous. So I ask him out. And then he completely transforms on me. He wants to go see a twelve-hour chick flick and then proceeds to be a girly-man at the restaurant. I mean, who does that?! I just want to get out of here… (She turns back to the table, the spotlight fades and the lights come back on.)
WAITRESS:
(To BRAD.)
So, just the salad then?
BRAD:
Yes, I think a salad will be just fine, don’t you?
WAITRESS:
Well, yes, since you’re watching your weight. You don’t want to have all of those carbs, you know.
ALLISON:
Oh, God, the world is out to get me.
BRAD:
What?
ALLISON:
I said, “I have a headache.”
BRAD:
Really? Because it sounded like you said -
ALLISON:
No, I didn’t.
(Awkward silence - maybe five-ten seconds with ALLISON holding her head in her hands)
BRAD:
So…
ALLISON:
(Holds up a hand) No, no. No more talking.
BRAD:
Oh, I get it…
(He leans over the table and tries to kiss ALLISON. ALLISON puts her hand on his face and pushes him back into his seat.)
BRAD:
Oh, I see. You think I’m too fat, don’t you? You won’t kiss me because I’m not attractive.
(BRAD starts to cry…loudly.)
ALLISON:
Oh, for the love of God!
(She bangs her head on the table. Then, with her head still on the table…)
I think you’re really attractive, okay?
BRAD:
(He sniffles.) Really?
ALLISON:
Yes, just be quiet and stop crying, okay? People are staring.
BRAD:
(Slowly stops crying.) Okay.
(Five second pause.)
I think I could marry you, Allison.
ALLISON:
You think you could WHAT?!
BRAD:
Don’t you feel it, Allison? We have that connection - I think I love you, Allison.
(ALLISON hits her head on the table again.)
That can’t be good for your headache.
ALLISON:
Trust me, the headache is the least of my problems.
(The WAITRESS brings their food. ALLISON grabs the WAITRESS by her shirt and pulls the WAITRESS’s face close to her own.)
What took you so long?!
(The WAITRESS runs away, horrified.)
BRAD:
Allison, don’t you love me?
ALLISON:
Brad, I’ve known you for a week.
BRAD:
I know…but it seems like I’ve known you for forever…
ALLISON:
No, I think you’re confused. It’s this night that’s seems to be going on for forever.
BRAD:
I wish it could…
ALLISON:
I think you’re missing my point.
(ALLISON quickly finishes up her meal while BRAD daintily picks at his salad.)
Could you hurry up?
BRAD:
What’s the rush, my love? We could spend all night together.
ALLISON:
Uh…no. Besides, I have to get home to…my…um…my son?
BRAD:
Oh, you have a son?
ALLISON:
Would you never want to see me again if I did?
BRAD:
Oh, no - I love children.
ALLISON:
Well, in that case, I have no son. In fact, I never want to have children. Ever.
Brad:
I could deal with that if it means that I get to be with you, my angel.
(He bats his eyelashes.)
(The WAITRESS passes by.)
ALLISON:
CHECK! Check, please! Someone? Please?
BRAD:
What’s your hurry? We haven’t even had dessert yet.
ALLISON:
Dessert? I thought you were watching your weight?
BRAD:
(Starting to cry again.) So you DO think I’m fat…
(ALLISON puts her head in her hands.)
ALLISON:
I don’t…think…you’re…FAT!
(Silence.)
In fact, I think you’re pretty hot, okay?
(The WAITRESS passes by again in the other direction.)
CHECK!!!!
BRAD:
You do? Well, uh…
(He clears his throat.)
In that case, do you want to go back to my place?
ALLISON:
If I wasn’t questioning your gender right now, I might accept.
(The WAITRESS walks by again.)
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHECK!!!!!!!!!!
(The WAITRESS passes by again and shoves the check in ALLISON’s face.)
WAITRESS:
You’re check, ma’am.
(She turns to BRAD.)
And what’s your name, sugar?
BRAD:
Um…it’s Brad. But, if you don’t mind, I’m kind of on a date right now…
ALLISON:
Oh, no, no, please, continue.
(She grabs her coat off of her chair and starts to leave.)
WAITRESS:
Well, there’s no reason to get snooty about it. I just wanted to know his name.
(She puts her hand on BRAD’s shoulder.)
ALLISON:
No, no, really, it’s fine. Go right ahead, I don’t mind
(She tries to leave again.)
BRAD:
Allison, no! It’s you I love, not this floozy of a waitress!
WAITRESS:
Floozy?!
ALLISON:
Really? Because I’m quite fond of the waitress…I think that you two should spend some more time together…
BRAD:
(Crying.)
Allison! Come back to me! Please, I love you!
ALLISON:
Brad, I haven’t gone anywhere. But in all seriousness, I don’t think that things are going to work out between us. Goodnight.
(She turns to leave.)
BRAD:
But Allison, what about our plans? We were going to get married, have children - I even picked out names for our children!
ALLISON:
What children?! There ARE no children, there will BE NO CHILDREN! Do you want to know WHY there will be no children? Because you’re a nutcase!
BRAD:
What are you trying to say?
ALLISON:
(Sighs.)
I’m saying you’re fat, okay? Will that get you to leave me alone?
BRAD:
(To the WAITRESS.)
She thinks I’m fat!
(BRAD starts to cry and the WAITRESS pulls him close to her.)
WAITRESS:
I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
ALLISON:
Thank God.
(She exits.)