FanFic: Han Geng's Room -- ShiHan.
Title: Han Geng’s room. - ShiHan.
Author: rudeminnesotan
Rating: R (for drinking, drug use, adult situations, character!death).
Pairing(s): main!ShiHan, ShiYoung, with some ShiMinWook and ninja!QMi.
Summary: This wasn’t something that was ever supposed to happen to Siwon.
Genre: Angst, AU (Like super mega woah angst).
Notes: I won’t lie, this story is a very blatant rip off of Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin (with some changes to the plot obviously). If you like my version, go read his because it’s much more beautiful.
“How was I ever supposed to deal with this?”
The question, which was never supposed to have been asked by him, has been spoken. No one was in the room to hear it except for him, but there it still was. There is a drink in his hand; at one point it would have been coffee, but now it’s something else. Something far more bitter to bring away the tears that threaten his eyes whenever he thinks about… him.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Siwon was a good kid, brought up by a nice family. He was raised to be highly religious as well, which he was. He wasn’t anymore. The events that had transpired had forced those thoughts out of his mind.
All of this, Siwon thought, could be placed on him. That man. If he had never met him, Siwon’s life would have been perfect. But he did meet him and things had never been the same since.
When Siwon first went to Taiwan, he left behind his family and friends and even his sweetheart, a wonderful girl by the name of Sooyoung, but he knew he needed to taste something that wasn’t home, that wasn’t familiar. That’s why he went to Taiwan. He just never would have expected that that would be what would happen.
He first met him in a bar; of course it was a bar. It always starts out in a bar. But this was a nice bar, a hotel bar. Siwon did not think that he would meet someone like that there.
His name had been Geng. Han Geng. He was two years older than him and absolutely gorgeous. Siwon didn’t know that men could be that gorgeous. He was his bartender, and the way that he leaned his elbow onto the bar to listen to Siwon’s order in very carefully practiced Mandarin made Siwon flush in embarrassment.
“You’re a foreigner, I take it?” Geng would ask him as he mixed the drink, the question bringing an even brighter blush to Siwon’s face.
“Where are you from?” The question posed after Siwon nodded to the former one, withholding his drink until he got a verbal answer.
“Korea.” Siwon finally answered, cursing as his accent noticeably affected his words but he was glad once the drink was passed to him, a long well needed sip taken from it. He didn’t like the way that Geng was smiling at him; it made Siwon nervous.
“I know Korean.” Geng said in that language then much to Siwon’s surprise; the nervousness was gone and replaced quickly with delight. That almost bipolar change made Geng laugh even more than he had already.
“You’re cute.” He said, reaching out to pinch Siwon’s cheek, much to his dismay, the apples of his cheeks still red with embarrassment.
How the pair of them went from this quiet conversation to tearing each other’s clothes off in Siwon’s room, he would never know. It was probably one drink too many that did it and something about the way Korean flowed out of those Chinese lips.
Siwon had never been with a man before, and he told Geng that, but the latter didn’t believe him. Still, Geng bent for Siwon and Siwon took that man and held him close-so close. He had never felt himself as close to anyone as he felt that night with Geng.
The next morning Siwon didn’t except Geng to still be there, but he was. That made him smile; he was easily enamored by the beauty of that Chinaman and didn’t hesitate to gaze upon his sleeping face. Part of him made sure to memorize just how beautiful he looked as the early morning sun illuminated his body.
They shared many mornings like that while Siwon stayed in Taiwan. Every morning Siwon marveled at how the sun would shine off of Geng’s face and his hair, touching quietly all of the precise spots to make his magnificence shine.
It was one particular morning as Siwon was making coffee that he realized something within himself. It was something that instantly terrified him. Why he hadn’t noticed it before was what honestly made his fear even worse. It spawned in a dark crevice of his heart and began to consume him the more that he thought about it.
When Geng came up behind him, hugging him around the waist, Siwon flinched and nearly spilt the coffee. Why his touch, that he had grown to hold so dear, was now instantly vile to him…
“What was that for? Are you okay?” Geng asked, moving away to make sure no coffee had got on Siwon’s hands.
“Y-yeh… I’m fine. You just startled me was all.” Countered Siwon, instantly lying about what it was he had felt just then for Geng. But his eyes gave him away; Geng looked at him suspiciously, not believing his words… But what else did he really have to go on?
The following day, Siwon told Geng about his girlfriend back home.
“And?” Had been Geng’s only response, lounging on the bed that had so easily become their together.
“What do you mean ‘and’…” That reaction, Siwon didn’t know how to take it. Did Geng not understand what that meant?
“Well are you married to her?”
“No…” Not yet he thought.
“Then what’s the matter qinglu?” That nickname; Siwon had never been able to figure out what it meant, but if he had, it probably would have terrified him.
“I will go back to her someday.” Siwon replied, hoping Geng would understand then.
“Someday is not today, until then you are mine.” Geng reached forward after that statement and took Siwon’s tie into his hand, pulling him down so that their lips would meet.
But Siwon’s face was frozen and the kiss he returned was not like the ones they had shared in the past. Geng noticed, but pretended not to care.
When they laid together that night, for some reason, the action was all the more vulgar and disgusting, yet beautiful and wonderful than it had ever been before.
Not long after that night, Sooyoung came to Taiwan. She missed Siwon and wanted to make sure that he had stayed true, just like he had promised he would. When she got off of the plane, Siwon recognized her immediately. Her hair was shorter than before, but those few months apart had somehow increased her beauty. Something Siwon could only appreciate on a superficial level. She came over to him and they shared a kiss; his arm went around her shoulders in an almost mechanical fashion.
He didn’t return to the room that he shared with Geng that night. Instead, Siwon stayed with Sooyoung. He convinced her, or maybe he was more trying to convince himself, that he loved her and wanted to be with her. That night they made plans to get married and then laid together for the first time. It wasn’t what Siwon expected, but he delighted in the feeling. He forced himself to not think about Geng, for now was not the time for such thoughts to be crossing his mind.
Three days passed before Siwon saw Geng again and seeing him again only reaffirmed his fears. How this man, this Chinese man had managed to wiggle his way so deep into his heart…
“Shi yuan…” He heard the name behind him while out shopping with Sooyoung. Hearing it made him freeze, but what brought chills over Siwon’s body was the way that Geng came up behind him and placed his hands on his shoulder blades. “Where have you been…”
Siwon knew that Geng had spoken purposefully in Mandarin so Sooyoung wouldn’t know what was going on. Nevertheless, she had still heard the name, Siwon’s Chinese name, and she turned around.
“Yeobo~ Who is this?” She asked smiling kindly at Geng as her hand almost possessively went into Siwon’s.
“Sooyoung-sshi… this is Han Geng.” Siwon purposefully said their names like that so that Geng would know exactly who it was that he was with.
But Geng didn’t care; he still looked at Siwon with those eyes. Those eyes that made Siwon want to pull Sooyoung’s hand off of his so he could put his own within Geng’s. Geng’s hand that had fit so perfectly within his own. With those thoughts though Siwon just moved closer to Sooyoung.
“Ooohhh Sooyoung-sshi~? Infamous Sooyoung-sshi…” Geng said with a slight drawl in his accented words.
The Korean surprised Sooyoung, who gave a curious glance between the two men.
“I had stayed with Geng while I was here. A roommate of sorts.” ‘Yeah, roommate’ Geng thought in response to that, scoffing aloud, “Geng-ge… Sooyoung-sshi and I have decided to get married.”
Now that shocked Geng whose eyes went wide with the confession, staring at the two.
“Oh I see.” Was all that he could say at first as the news sunk in, “well then,” he started after he thought for a short time, “we should all go out together; drinks. In celebration!”
“Oh, I don’t know…” Sooyoung said, leaning her head onto Siwon’s arm. “I’ve only just got in from Korea and Siwon-sshi has hardly given me a chance to rest at all since I got here. I don’t think drinks would be quite appropriate yet…” She blushed as she leaned there; Sooyoung wasn’t a drinker at all and the thought of going out with a man she hardly knew scared her a little bit.
“Hmm… How about you Shi yuan? Will you come out for drinks then since your little lady does want to?” There were those eyes again, those suggestive eyes that worked such wonders on breaking down Siwon’s resolve.
“Maybe later. Or I’ll come stop by the room. I need to pick up my things anyway.” He said in the most casual of ways that he could, but Geng knew better.
There was a bittersweet smile on Geng’s face as he nodded them, him and the couple parting ways afterward.
A fortnight passed before Siwon was able to go back to that room.
When he arrived, Geng was curled up in the bed with a bottle in his hand. Another empty one sat beside the bed and their previous shared ash tray was currently over flowing.
“Qinglu…” he started, holding back the sob that the liquor had induced in him, “Where have you been…”
It took all of Siwon’s strength to not run to Geng then, to pull him up into his arms and comfort him.
“Geng-ge, you know where I have been.” Siwon tried to keep his voice casual, even as his barrier was breaking.
“With that woman… that tóng yì cí” The venom in his voice made it obvious what he said, even if Siwon didn’t know the translation.
“Don’t call her that, it’s not fair.” Despite himself, Siwon had moved to the edge of the bed, but he had yet to reach out for Geng. He didn’t need to; when Geng felt the shift in weight on the bed he turned to face him. The tear tracks that ran down his face, how they made his eyes sink into his skull, revealing everything that was ugly about him while at the same time remaining beautiful. Siwon hated it, just like he hated himself for the feelings he had towards that man.
“Shi Yuan… Don’t leave me.” Geng said almost desperately, new tears attacking his already hallowed eyes, eyes that had one held so much luster than Siwon couldn’t help but drown in them. “I know what it is you feel for me, you can’t deny those feelings. Please. Please…” Geng moved over towards him on the bed, reaching for Siwon’s hand to cling to it.
“I can’t Geng.” Siwon replied, letting Geng take his hand. Take his hand and press kissed to each knuckle, sending shivers like electricity through his body. They revolted him, how that man’s touch still affected him. “You know I can’t…”
“If you cannot love me, I will surely die.” Geng choked on a fresh sob, “Before you came, I wanted to die… though I never told you before.” The revelation was a shock to Siwon who stared over at Geng, but it didn’t change anything. It just added pity to mix that he already felt for him. “It is cruel, Shi Yuan, to have made me want to live again only to make my death more bloody in the end…”
“You aren’t going to die.” Siwon replied despite himself, holding the hand that held his as if Geng could squeeze some more precious moments of their time together out of it.
But Geng just responded to that with laughter, bitter laughter that only made his features more dreadful.
“I promise you qinglu I am going to die, for we do all die someday… I just have to assure myself until that time that you will come back to me-“
“I won’t come back, gege…” Siwon interrupted, but Geng didn’t hear.
“You will… come back to me and we can stay here in this room and be happy together.”
“Happy together? Han Geng. How can two men be happy together!?” His resolve had broken and Siwon was now yelling at him.
“How can they? The same way you suspect to be happy with your little tóng yì cí”
“I said don’t call her that! You are delusional Geng if you think that the life I will lead with Sooyoung would be anything compared to this immoral life we have lead thus far in this room. I cannot stay here, not in this room and not with you!” Siwon got up from the bed then and crossed over to where he had kept his things, packing them quickly.
“Immoral? What you are doing to your-… To Sooyoung-sshi is immoral. You are the most immoral man I have ever met in fact! Do you really think that going off with her is just going to erase everything that has happened here? Happened with me? Between US?” Geng had crawled to the edge of the bed by then and was glaring at Siwon; he could see him in the mirror that was in front of him, that man who had once been so beautiful now terrifyingly fragile.
“You’re right. I can’t ignore it,” Siwon started, stuffing the last bits of his things into his bag before turning to face Geng. “But it is still over. I’ll be returning to Korea with Sooyoung, where we will marry and have lots of kids. You should do the same thing, Geng. Go back home, back to China. Find a girl just like I have.”
Before Siwon could even finish, Geng was laughing at him.
“Home? Home? Hah. I can’t return back there; you call me delusional but you must certainly be insane. To think that I would really want a woman. I had a woman once, and she broke me; that’s why I came here. I had wanted to die, Siwon, truly … but then I met you. You saved me from that and now you want to take it all away!?” His arms flailed for a moment before stepping off of the bed.
Geng took the few steps across, letting his hand come to rest on Siwon’s chest. His skin recoiled at the action, though his eyes fluttered too. How was it that Geng’s touch did that to him?
“Qǐng wěn wǒ.” Geng demanded, those dying eyes reaching up for Siwon’s.
He still didn’t know why he gave in to that demand, why he let his lips fold against Geng’s in the way they had so many times in the past. Why, after that, they laid together for the final time. Siwon figured that maybe he did it out of the pity he had come to feel for Geng. To give him one last good memory to hold onto, but he knew deep down he did it because he loved Geng and couldn’t bear to part with him.
In the morning when Siwon went to leave, Geng sat on the edge of the bed naked, watching after him.
“You’ll come back to this room.” He said to Siwon’s turned back, flicking the ashes from his cigarette to the carpet, because he just couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.
“Goodbye Han Geng…” Siwon said in reply, opening the door.
“Goodbye qinglu.” Geng said just as the door closed and Siwon left.
Within the week, Siwon and Sooyoung were back in Korea. They moved into an apartment together and quickly began their wedding plans. Conversely, thanks to a shared friendship with a man named Zhou Mi, Siwon was able to keep tabs on what was going on with Han Geng.
The news was not good.
The men that Geng had always said he reviled had now become some of his best friends. They were always seen together, Geng and those other more whimsical looking men. They caused scenes wherever they went, involving themselves with too much liquor and too many drugs.
“You left him there. In that room.” Zhou Mi said to Siwon one day when they were on the phone, “Had you stayed, he probably wouldn’t have become like this.”
“He wasn’t my responsibility, Zhou Mi.” Siwon replied, even if he knew that he was wrong, “What do you expect me to do now? I’m getting married in a few months.”
“You really think you can perpetuate that lie? Geng-ge was right, you really are insane.” Zhou Mi hung up after he said that, even when Siwon had the perfect choice words to reply with.
Things didn’t start to decline until news of Geng’s arrest came to Siwon’s ears. Or perhaps they had already been going downhill before then. The mere sight of Sooyoung was making Siwon sick to his stomach, much how Geng had made him sick previously. Though, it wasn’t until he heard that, that Siwon went out to seek something-something to make him feel… Make him feel like how he had felt when Geng and he first got together.
Siwon left his apartment that he shared with Sooyoung late one night. He’d met a man in a bar named Sungmin, who brought him home. The next night Sungmin brought over his friend Ryeowook as well. Everything they did, it was revolting to Siwon. He didn’t know why he did it-they weren’t Geng, but he saw Geng in them. He felt Geng as he entered them, and while he was moving against them. It was all Siwon could do to imagine he was back in Taiwan in that room he had so desperately wanted to escape from earlier.
He stayed there with them for several days; more than he had meant too, but Siwon was drowning again. It wasn’t until one night when all three of them were at a bar that Siwon spotted Sooyoung’s reflection in the mirror behind the bar.
“What’s she doing here?” Sungmin teased, “Isn’t she at the wrong bar?” And Ryeowook laughed in response, giving him a little high five at the joke.
“Now,” Siwon started as he turned to look at Sooyoung, “You know.”
As Sooyoung started to back away, Siwon moved to go after her.
“Wait.” Sungmin said, grabbing Siwon’s wrist, “you… and her?”
“She’s my…” Siwon didn’t have to finish; Sungmin’s jaw dropped open and he let go of Siwon’s wrist. He went after her then, walking through the cold night in silence together just a few feet apart. When they got to their apartment that’s when the fight finally happened.
“I suppose I should have known.” Sooyoung started as she went to the closet where they kept their suitcases. “What am I saying-I’ve always known. Ever since I saw you and that… that man. Hankyung? In Taiwan.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon corrected her automatically, not able to meet her eyes.
But that just fueled her anger more, groaning in frustration as she threw a piece of luggage on the bed.
“Have you been lying to me this whole time Siwon?” She asked after throwing some shirts into the suitcase. “Or just lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself to stay with me even when you wanted to go back?” A shoe was grabbed from the closet and she didn’t hesitate to throw it at Siwon, who blocked it with his arm. “Why did you even come back with me!?”
“I do love you!” Siwon said after picking up the shoe, fiddling with the heel with his fingers. “I never lied about that…”
“But when did you stop loving me? Because you can’t tell me that you still love me now-not after being there… with them. In … In that place.” Sooyoung couldn’t bear to think of Siwon--her Siwon being involved with other men in such intimate situations.
“I do love you, Sooyoung…” Siwon repeated himself, even though he could taste how the lie felt on his lips. “I have never…” He couldn’t even finish the sentence. It was a lie, and he couldn’t kid himself of that.
And hearing his words falter, Sooyoung went over to him and snatched back her shoe. After that, she slapped him across the face. “I’m leaving Siwon.” Because it wasn’t already obvious by the suitcase, “I hope you’re happy with your choice.”
Siwon couldn’t do much after that. He just watched as she packed her bags and left him there in their shared apartment. That apartment that would quickly become like Siwon’s prison. He felt himself akin to Geng in back in Taiwan, locked up. He wondered if Geng was alone at night there; if he was crying. Was he sweating, or was he dry? Was he lonely? Thoughts that he didn’t want to have about the other man who had permanently left his mark on Siwon.
Several weeks passed; Siwon didn’t leave that apartment save to get more liquor. Most days he just stood, half dressed, in front of the window just waiting for another phone call from Zhou Mi to update him about Geng’s trial that was ongoing.
When the call finally came, Siwon had wished he never answered it.
“He’s dead, Shi Yuan...” Zhou Mi said on the other end of the line, “They found him in his cell this morning, hung from the bunk by his sheets.”
Tears choked in Siwon’s throat as he heard that, hardly able to mutter out the Mandarin for ‘Why’?
“All the note said was ‘to my qinglu’. Nothing more. ”
“Qinglu… What does that even mean…” Siwon said, letting his forehead fall against the glass of the window.
“My Korean is rusty, but I think it means. jagiya, or lover.” Zhou Mi responded, barely surprising Siwon with his knowledge of the Korean language. Not with the boys like Kyuhyun who Zhou Mi tended to go after…
“So that’s what he thought of me all this time?” Siwon questioned, more asking himself than Zhou Mi. In fact, he didn’t even hear Zhou Mi’s reply as he hung up the phone.
He was crying freely now, unashamed of it as he slid to the floor, drink still in hand. So he was dead, huh? There was no possibility of ever going back to Taiwan, back to Geng… Back to that room.
Siwon lifted his glass to take another drink, but just glared at its contents and hurled it across the room, watching it shatter on the floor. He didn’t care anymore; couldn’t care anymore. Geng had been right all along; he would go back to that room. Wanted to go back to that room. But now there was no point to it. There wasn’t a point to anything at all anymore.
A/N: What is my problem!? Why is it that I can write this kind of angst so easily ;o;! Not to mention the fact that it’s freaking long!
Author: rudeminnesotan
Rating: R (for drinking, drug use, adult situations, character!death).
Pairing(s): main!ShiHan, ShiYoung, with some ShiMinWook and ninja!QMi.
Summary: This wasn’t something that was ever supposed to happen to Siwon.
Genre: Angst, AU (Like super mega woah angst).
Notes: I won’t lie, this story is a very blatant rip off of Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin (with some changes to the plot obviously). If you like my version, go read his because it’s much more beautiful.
“How was I ever supposed to deal with this?”
The question, which was never supposed to have been asked by him, has been spoken. No one was in the room to hear it except for him, but there it still was. There is a drink in his hand; at one point it would have been coffee, but now it’s something else. Something far more bitter to bring away the tears that threaten his eyes whenever he thinks about… him.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Siwon was a good kid, brought up by a nice family. He was raised to be highly religious as well, which he was. He wasn’t anymore. The events that had transpired had forced those thoughts out of his mind.
All of this, Siwon thought, could be placed on him. That man. If he had never met him, Siwon’s life would have been perfect. But he did meet him and things had never been the same since.
When Siwon first went to Taiwan, he left behind his family and friends and even his sweetheart, a wonderful girl by the name of Sooyoung, but he knew he needed to taste something that wasn’t home, that wasn’t familiar. That’s why he went to Taiwan. He just never would have expected that that would be what would happen.
He first met him in a bar; of course it was a bar. It always starts out in a bar. But this was a nice bar, a hotel bar. Siwon did not think that he would meet someone like that there.
His name had been Geng. Han Geng. He was two years older than him and absolutely gorgeous. Siwon didn’t know that men could be that gorgeous. He was his bartender, and the way that he leaned his elbow onto the bar to listen to Siwon’s order in very carefully practiced Mandarin made Siwon flush in embarrassment.
“You’re a foreigner, I take it?” Geng would ask him as he mixed the drink, the question bringing an even brighter blush to Siwon’s face.
“Where are you from?” The question posed after Siwon nodded to the former one, withholding his drink until he got a verbal answer.
“Korea.” Siwon finally answered, cursing as his accent noticeably affected his words but he was glad once the drink was passed to him, a long well needed sip taken from it. He didn’t like the way that Geng was smiling at him; it made Siwon nervous.
“I know Korean.” Geng said in that language then much to Siwon’s surprise; the nervousness was gone and replaced quickly with delight. That almost bipolar change made Geng laugh even more than he had already.
“You’re cute.” He said, reaching out to pinch Siwon’s cheek, much to his dismay, the apples of his cheeks still red with embarrassment.
How the pair of them went from this quiet conversation to tearing each other’s clothes off in Siwon’s room, he would never know. It was probably one drink too many that did it and something about the way Korean flowed out of those Chinese lips.
Siwon had never been with a man before, and he told Geng that, but the latter didn’t believe him. Still, Geng bent for Siwon and Siwon took that man and held him close-so close. He had never felt himself as close to anyone as he felt that night with Geng.
The next morning Siwon didn’t except Geng to still be there, but he was. That made him smile; he was easily enamored by the beauty of that Chinaman and didn’t hesitate to gaze upon his sleeping face. Part of him made sure to memorize just how beautiful he looked as the early morning sun illuminated his body.
They shared many mornings like that while Siwon stayed in Taiwan. Every morning Siwon marveled at how the sun would shine off of Geng’s face and his hair, touching quietly all of the precise spots to make his magnificence shine.
It was one particular morning as Siwon was making coffee that he realized something within himself. It was something that instantly terrified him. Why he hadn’t noticed it before was what honestly made his fear even worse. It spawned in a dark crevice of his heart and began to consume him the more that he thought about it.
When Geng came up behind him, hugging him around the waist, Siwon flinched and nearly spilt the coffee. Why his touch, that he had grown to hold so dear, was now instantly vile to him…
“What was that for? Are you okay?” Geng asked, moving away to make sure no coffee had got on Siwon’s hands.
“Y-yeh… I’m fine. You just startled me was all.” Countered Siwon, instantly lying about what it was he had felt just then for Geng. But his eyes gave him away; Geng looked at him suspiciously, not believing his words… But what else did he really have to go on?
The following day, Siwon told Geng about his girlfriend back home.
“And?” Had been Geng’s only response, lounging on the bed that had so easily become their together.
“What do you mean ‘and’…” That reaction, Siwon didn’t know how to take it. Did Geng not understand what that meant?
“Well are you married to her?”
“No…” Not yet he thought.
“Then what’s the matter qinglu?” That nickname; Siwon had never been able to figure out what it meant, but if he had, it probably would have terrified him.
“I will go back to her someday.” Siwon replied, hoping Geng would understand then.
“Someday is not today, until then you are mine.” Geng reached forward after that statement and took Siwon’s tie into his hand, pulling him down so that their lips would meet.
But Siwon’s face was frozen and the kiss he returned was not like the ones they had shared in the past. Geng noticed, but pretended not to care.
When they laid together that night, for some reason, the action was all the more vulgar and disgusting, yet beautiful and wonderful than it had ever been before.
Not long after that night, Sooyoung came to Taiwan. She missed Siwon and wanted to make sure that he had stayed true, just like he had promised he would. When she got off of the plane, Siwon recognized her immediately. Her hair was shorter than before, but those few months apart had somehow increased her beauty. Something Siwon could only appreciate on a superficial level. She came over to him and they shared a kiss; his arm went around her shoulders in an almost mechanical fashion.
He didn’t return to the room that he shared with Geng that night. Instead, Siwon stayed with Sooyoung. He convinced her, or maybe he was more trying to convince himself, that he loved her and wanted to be with her. That night they made plans to get married and then laid together for the first time. It wasn’t what Siwon expected, but he delighted in the feeling. He forced himself to not think about Geng, for now was not the time for such thoughts to be crossing his mind.
Three days passed before Siwon saw Geng again and seeing him again only reaffirmed his fears. How this man, this Chinese man had managed to wiggle his way so deep into his heart…
“Shi yuan…” He heard the name behind him while out shopping with Sooyoung. Hearing it made him freeze, but what brought chills over Siwon’s body was the way that Geng came up behind him and placed his hands on his shoulder blades. “Where have you been…”
Siwon knew that Geng had spoken purposefully in Mandarin so Sooyoung wouldn’t know what was going on. Nevertheless, she had still heard the name, Siwon’s Chinese name, and she turned around.
“Yeobo~ Who is this?” She asked smiling kindly at Geng as her hand almost possessively went into Siwon’s.
“Sooyoung-sshi… this is Han Geng.” Siwon purposefully said their names like that so that Geng would know exactly who it was that he was with.
But Geng didn’t care; he still looked at Siwon with those eyes. Those eyes that made Siwon want to pull Sooyoung’s hand off of his so he could put his own within Geng’s. Geng’s hand that had fit so perfectly within his own. With those thoughts though Siwon just moved closer to Sooyoung.
“Ooohhh Sooyoung-sshi~? Infamous Sooyoung-sshi…” Geng said with a slight drawl in his accented words.
The Korean surprised Sooyoung, who gave a curious glance between the two men.
“I had stayed with Geng while I was here. A roommate of sorts.” ‘Yeah, roommate’ Geng thought in response to that, scoffing aloud, “Geng-ge… Sooyoung-sshi and I have decided to get married.”
Now that shocked Geng whose eyes went wide with the confession, staring at the two.
“Oh I see.” Was all that he could say at first as the news sunk in, “well then,” he started after he thought for a short time, “we should all go out together; drinks. In celebration!”
“Oh, I don’t know…” Sooyoung said, leaning her head onto Siwon’s arm. “I’ve only just got in from Korea and Siwon-sshi has hardly given me a chance to rest at all since I got here. I don’t think drinks would be quite appropriate yet…” She blushed as she leaned there; Sooyoung wasn’t a drinker at all and the thought of going out with a man she hardly knew scared her a little bit.
“Hmm… How about you Shi yuan? Will you come out for drinks then since your little lady does want to?” There were those eyes again, those suggestive eyes that worked such wonders on breaking down Siwon’s resolve.
“Maybe later. Or I’ll come stop by the room. I need to pick up my things anyway.” He said in the most casual of ways that he could, but Geng knew better.
There was a bittersweet smile on Geng’s face as he nodded them, him and the couple parting ways afterward.
A fortnight passed before Siwon was able to go back to that room.
When he arrived, Geng was curled up in the bed with a bottle in his hand. Another empty one sat beside the bed and their previous shared ash tray was currently over flowing.
“Qinglu…” he started, holding back the sob that the liquor had induced in him, “Where have you been…”
It took all of Siwon’s strength to not run to Geng then, to pull him up into his arms and comfort him.
“Geng-ge, you know where I have been.” Siwon tried to keep his voice casual, even as his barrier was breaking.
“With that woman… that tóng yì cí” The venom in his voice made it obvious what he said, even if Siwon didn’t know the translation.
“Don’t call her that, it’s not fair.” Despite himself, Siwon had moved to the edge of the bed, but he had yet to reach out for Geng. He didn’t need to; when Geng felt the shift in weight on the bed he turned to face him. The tear tracks that ran down his face, how they made his eyes sink into his skull, revealing everything that was ugly about him while at the same time remaining beautiful. Siwon hated it, just like he hated himself for the feelings he had towards that man.
“Shi Yuan… Don’t leave me.” Geng said almost desperately, new tears attacking his already hallowed eyes, eyes that had one held so much luster than Siwon couldn’t help but drown in them. “I know what it is you feel for me, you can’t deny those feelings. Please. Please…” Geng moved over towards him on the bed, reaching for Siwon’s hand to cling to it.
“I can’t Geng.” Siwon replied, letting Geng take his hand. Take his hand and press kissed to each knuckle, sending shivers like electricity through his body. They revolted him, how that man’s touch still affected him. “You know I can’t…”
“If you cannot love me, I will surely die.” Geng choked on a fresh sob, “Before you came, I wanted to die… though I never told you before.” The revelation was a shock to Siwon who stared over at Geng, but it didn’t change anything. It just added pity to mix that he already felt for him. “It is cruel, Shi Yuan, to have made me want to live again only to make my death more bloody in the end…”
“You aren’t going to die.” Siwon replied despite himself, holding the hand that held his as if Geng could squeeze some more precious moments of their time together out of it.
But Geng just responded to that with laughter, bitter laughter that only made his features more dreadful.
“I promise you qinglu I am going to die, for we do all die someday… I just have to assure myself until that time that you will come back to me-“
“I won’t come back, gege…” Siwon interrupted, but Geng didn’t hear.
“You will… come back to me and we can stay here in this room and be happy together.”
“Happy together? Han Geng. How can two men be happy together!?” His resolve had broken and Siwon was now yelling at him.
“How can they? The same way you suspect to be happy with your little tóng yì cí”
“I said don’t call her that! You are delusional Geng if you think that the life I will lead with Sooyoung would be anything compared to this immoral life we have lead thus far in this room. I cannot stay here, not in this room and not with you!” Siwon got up from the bed then and crossed over to where he had kept his things, packing them quickly.
“Immoral? What you are doing to your-… To Sooyoung-sshi is immoral. You are the most immoral man I have ever met in fact! Do you really think that going off with her is just going to erase everything that has happened here? Happened with me? Between US?” Geng had crawled to the edge of the bed by then and was glaring at Siwon; he could see him in the mirror that was in front of him, that man who had once been so beautiful now terrifyingly fragile.
“You’re right. I can’t ignore it,” Siwon started, stuffing the last bits of his things into his bag before turning to face Geng. “But it is still over. I’ll be returning to Korea with Sooyoung, where we will marry and have lots of kids. You should do the same thing, Geng. Go back home, back to China. Find a girl just like I have.”
Before Siwon could even finish, Geng was laughing at him.
“Home? Home? Hah. I can’t return back there; you call me delusional but you must certainly be insane. To think that I would really want a woman. I had a woman once, and she broke me; that’s why I came here. I had wanted to die, Siwon, truly … but then I met you. You saved me from that and now you want to take it all away!?” His arms flailed for a moment before stepping off of the bed.
Geng took the few steps across, letting his hand come to rest on Siwon’s chest. His skin recoiled at the action, though his eyes fluttered too. How was it that Geng’s touch did that to him?
“Qǐng wěn wǒ.” Geng demanded, those dying eyes reaching up for Siwon’s.
He still didn’t know why he gave in to that demand, why he let his lips fold against Geng’s in the way they had so many times in the past. Why, after that, they laid together for the final time. Siwon figured that maybe he did it out of the pity he had come to feel for Geng. To give him one last good memory to hold onto, but he knew deep down he did it because he loved Geng and couldn’t bear to part with him.
In the morning when Siwon went to leave, Geng sat on the edge of the bed naked, watching after him.
“You’ll come back to this room.” He said to Siwon’s turned back, flicking the ashes from his cigarette to the carpet, because he just couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.
“Goodbye Han Geng…” Siwon said in reply, opening the door.
“Goodbye qinglu.” Geng said just as the door closed and Siwon left.
Within the week, Siwon and Sooyoung were back in Korea. They moved into an apartment together and quickly began their wedding plans. Conversely, thanks to a shared friendship with a man named Zhou Mi, Siwon was able to keep tabs on what was going on with Han Geng.
The news was not good.
The men that Geng had always said he reviled had now become some of his best friends. They were always seen together, Geng and those other more whimsical looking men. They caused scenes wherever they went, involving themselves with too much liquor and too many drugs.
“You left him there. In that room.” Zhou Mi said to Siwon one day when they were on the phone, “Had you stayed, he probably wouldn’t have become like this.”
“He wasn’t my responsibility, Zhou Mi.” Siwon replied, even if he knew that he was wrong, “What do you expect me to do now? I’m getting married in a few months.”
“You really think you can perpetuate that lie? Geng-ge was right, you really are insane.” Zhou Mi hung up after he said that, even when Siwon had the perfect choice words to reply with.
Things didn’t start to decline until news of Geng’s arrest came to Siwon’s ears. Or perhaps they had already been going downhill before then. The mere sight of Sooyoung was making Siwon sick to his stomach, much how Geng had made him sick previously. Though, it wasn’t until he heard that, that Siwon went out to seek something-something to make him feel… Make him feel like how he had felt when Geng and he first got together.
Siwon left his apartment that he shared with Sooyoung late one night. He’d met a man in a bar named Sungmin, who brought him home. The next night Sungmin brought over his friend Ryeowook as well. Everything they did, it was revolting to Siwon. He didn’t know why he did it-they weren’t Geng, but he saw Geng in them. He felt Geng as he entered them, and while he was moving against them. It was all Siwon could do to imagine he was back in Taiwan in that room he had so desperately wanted to escape from earlier.
He stayed there with them for several days; more than he had meant too, but Siwon was drowning again. It wasn’t until one night when all three of them were at a bar that Siwon spotted Sooyoung’s reflection in the mirror behind the bar.
“What’s she doing here?” Sungmin teased, “Isn’t she at the wrong bar?” And Ryeowook laughed in response, giving him a little high five at the joke.
“Now,” Siwon started as he turned to look at Sooyoung, “You know.”
As Sooyoung started to back away, Siwon moved to go after her.
“Wait.” Sungmin said, grabbing Siwon’s wrist, “you… and her?”
“She’s my…” Siwon didn’t have to finish; Sungmin’s jaw dropped open and he let go of Siwon’s wrist. He went after her then, walking through the cold night in silence together just a few feet apart. When they got to their apartment that’s when the fight finally happened.
“I suppose I should have known.” Sooyoung started as she went to the closet where they kept their suitcases. “What am I saying-I’ve always known. Ever since I saw you and that… that man. Hankyung? In Taiwan.”
“Han Geng.” Siwon corrected her automatically, not able to meet her eyes.
But that just fueled her anger more, groaning in frustration as she threw a piece of luggage on the bed.
“Have you been lying to me this whole time Siwon?” She asked after throwing some shirts into the suitcase. “Or just lying to yourself, trying to convince yourself to stay with me even when you wanted to go back?” A shoe was grabbed from the closet and she didn’t hesitate to throw it at Siwon, who blocked it with his arm. “Why did you even come back with me!?”
“I do love you!” Siwon said after picking up the shoe, fiddling with the heel with his fingers. “I never lied about that…”
“But when did you stop loving me? Because you can’t tell me that you still love me now-not after being there… with them. In … In that place.” Sooyoung couldn’t bear to think of Siwon--her Siwon being involved with other men in such intimate situations.
“I do love you, Sooyoung…” Siwon repeated himself, even though he could taste how the lie felt on his lips. “I have never…” He couldn’t even finish the sentence. It was a lie, and he couldn’t kid himself of that.
And hearing his words falter, Sooyoung went over to him and snatched back her shoe. After that, she slapped him across the face. “I’m leaving Siwon.” Because it wasn’t already obvious by the suitcase, “I hope you’re happy with your choice.”
Siwon couldn’t do much after that. He just watched as she packed her bags and left him there in their shared apartment. That apartment that would quickly become like Siwon’s prison. He felt himself akin to Geng in back in Taiwan, locked up. He wondered if Geng was alone at night there; if he was crying. Was he sweating, or was he dry? Was he lonely? Thoughts that he didn’t want to have about the other man who had permanently left his mark on Siwon.
Several weeks passed; Siwon didn’t leave that apartment save to get more liquor. Most days he just stood, half dressed, in front of the window just waiting for another phone call from Zhou Mi to update him about Geng’s trial that was ongoing.
When the call finally came, Siwon had wished he never answered it.
“He’s dead, Shi Yuan...” Zhou Mi said on the other end of the line, “They found him in his cell this morning, hung from the bunk by his sheets.”
Tears choked in Siwon’s throat as he heard that, hardly able to mutter out the Mandarin for ‘Why’?
“All the note said was ‘to my qinglu’. Nothing more. ”
“Qinglu… What does that even mean…” Siwon said, letting his forehead fall against the glass of the window.
“My Korean is rusty, but I think it means. jagiya, or lover.” Zhou Mi responded, barely surprising Siwon with his knowledge of the Korean language. Not with the boys like Kyuhyun who Zhou Mi tended to go after…
“So that’s what he thought of me all this time?” Siwon questioned, more asking himself than Zhou Mi. In fact, he didn’t even hear Zhou Mi’s reply as he hung up the phone.
He was crying freely now, unashamed of it as he slid to the floor, drink still in hand. So he was dead, huh? There was no possibility of ever going back to Taiwan, back to Geng… Back to that room.
Siwon lifted his glass to take another drink, but just glared at its contents and hurled it across the room, watching it shatter on the floor. He didn’t care anymore; couldn’t care anymore. Geng had been right all along; he would go back to that room. Wanted to go back to that room. But now there was no point to it. There wasn’t a point to anything at all anymore.
A/N: What is my problem!? Why is it that I can write this kind of angst so easily ;o;! Not to mention the fact that it’s freaking long!