more depressing shit....because this is the only place I put it anymore
Things have been difficult lately.
I don't trust my boyfriend.
I was away for 4 days, and even though we talked every day, I couldn't shake the feeling that there was a chance we just might be doing something. Granted, he's not doing anything and by anything I mean flirting with girls or sleeping around. Part of me knows that, but I need to give myself the reassurance because I am that insecure about the topic. My instincts have never been wrong before. Besides, if he has nothing to hide, there's nothing for me to find, right? Instead, I found out about something he did over a year ago. It's not worth getting pissed off about, but it doesn't make me feel very good either.
I found out that during our month long break, he slept with a friend of his. She and I knew each other, not really friends, but she came over for our house warming and when I hosted the women's club meeting. I also know that she probably just fucked him because she wanted to get it on and not because she wanted a relationship. I guess that's why it doesn't bother me. She has no reason to lie to me, either. That and it was over a year ago. I just wish she didn't come over to my house and act buddy-buddy with me those times. Obviously, if they were together more recently, I would be packing boxes right now. Unfortunately, at the same time I found out about said girl, I also found a note he was writing to me with no intention of giving it to me. Another thing about him I understand that he does to vent- like a diary entry- but still even more upsetting than finding out about the other girl. Whatever. I hooked up with 1 dude during that break, too. I figured out I just wanted to be with Robert after that happened. Anyway. So this note to me was basically a break up letter. How he doesn't want to go to Peru with me and how I need to stop making all these plans on and on and on. This is what actually upsets me the most because I'm reading it. He woke up to use the bathroom, but I called him into the room where I was. He saw me looking in his phone and gave a big sigh and sat down.
We talked a lot today.
I'm not angry. I'm kind of numb and undecided. I'm looking around the house to see what items I should get rid of first and what needs to be fixed before I leave. If I leave. He tells me it wasn't meant for me to read, that he was just venting. And, knowing him, I get that. He does that for a lot of people, actually. I've come across notebooks with letters to other people with no intention of them being delivered. I've done that, too. I don't usually keep them, though. They get tossed or ripped up.
So I get it. But it's what he's feeling and thinking. He wrote it down.
how am I supposed to feel now? What am I supposed to believe now?
He tells me he loves me and wouldn't do anything to sacrifice what we have now. He's upset with his past. He feels guilty. I mean, he just now sent me a text that says "guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt..."
I told him to seek redemption instead.
currently looking for pro couples therapy per his request....