oh lj! how have i missed thee? let me count the ways.
subject heading really just means that a crap-load of serious mess is about to hit my lj b/c i haven't unloaded in a while... here goes.
i've been at home for almost 2.5 weeks now. i'm about to go insane. just when i think i'm gonna leave this place, something else happens, or my laziness takes over my body. i don't know if laziness is the right word. i am RIDICULOUSLY unmotivated about absolutely everything. there is nothing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. i'd rather just lie there and read all day. that is NOT GOOD. let me tell you why.
i am terrified of turning into my mother. she quit college when my sister and i were born to raise her kids. i respect that. i think it's amazing. but then she quit her job when i was in 9th grade to avoid a conflict that she could have been backed on. she decided she was going to go back to school to become a teacher. that was 8, yes EIGHT, years ago. she has not finished her degree, has never take a single semester of full time classes, and is super unmotivated. i should also say that my mom has LOTS of health problems. she has polycystic kidney disease which my grandmother had and eventually had a transplant. basically this means that my mom's kidneys and back ache all the time. she's also very overweight with high blood pressure and fibromyalgia which causes fatigue and general pain. i'm sure that it's not easy to deal with. but her doctor has told her over and over if she'd lose a bit of weight some of her health problems would be better. not perfect, but better. and she just lies around all day reading, not doing anything with her life. she also is taking medication for depression that randomly goes crazy on her.
this is what scares me: i see myself in her. i do that. over break, when i could have been out looking for jobs, i used stupid excuses to lay in bed all day. and sure everyone needs a break every once in a while, but my grades last semester? not so hot. i spent SO much time on my laptop NOT doing work for my classes. seriously? it's SO bad. and i don't know how to fix it. i think that's the most frustrating thing. i feel like i should easily be able to manage my time in a way that allows me to get everything done, but that's not how it works. i feel like i'm just hardwired to be lazy and not care about my life.
a friend recently gave me some really good advice about stress: you're only stressed because you're not doing something that you know ought to be done already. if i would just take care of things in a timely fashion, i wouldn't have these problems. instead i put things off until the very last minute until there's hardly anything that can be done to fix the mess. i'm so FREAKING disgusted with myself because it's all my fault. i want to blame it on the things that i've seen displayed by role models in my life, but i have other people who love me besides my mom. people who have shown me that things don't have to be handled this way. and instead of letting people know that i continue to struggle, i hide and i lie and i tell people that everything is ok.
but it's not. there's a part of me that's just plain sick of being who i am. see here's the underlying issue. it's not just that i'm unmotivated, but the reasons why i'm unmotivated. it's because i DO NOT CARE about school right now. i do not care whether or not i get a degree in something. i feel like i have no purpose. and that's scary.
woah. this just got superserious. i'm sitting here watching this cursor blink while i have an identity crisis. and now i'm just being melodramatic. there's a part of me that wants to hide this away somewhere, but what good does that do? if i even have to hide from my lj friends, what kind of fake life am i living?
i have to get up super early in the morning and go get a new driver's liscense. HOPEFULLY i'll be going back to g-vegas tomorrow and my little corner of the college world. classes start friday, and i haven't signed up. so financial aid and my advisor's office all tomorrow??? probably not. but i can try. gah i hate everything right now. yuck.
now i'm reading back over this again and i just hate it. i don't want to be that super depressed girl. but on the inside... is that who i really am? i wasn't always this way. but i feel like i slowly drifted down into a hole that i can't get out of. and i feel like i'm waiting for someone else to come rescue me. but is that realistic? is that really gonna happen??? ok. rant over. goodnight/morning.
i have to stop posting at 3 am. this is ridiculous.
i've been at home for almost 2.5 weeks now. i'm about to go insane. just when i think i'm gonna leave this place, something else happens, or my laziness takes over my body. i don't know if laziness is the right word. i am RIDICULOUSLY unmotivated about absolutely everything. there is nothing that makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. i'd rather just lie there and read all day. that is NOT GOOD. let me tell you why.
i am terrified of turning into my mother. she quit college when my sister and i were born to raise her kids. i respect that. i think it's amazing. but then she quit her job when i was in 9th grade to avoid a conflict that she could have been backed on. she decided she was going to go back to school to become a teacher. that was 8, yes EIGHT, years ago. she has not finished her degree, has never take a single semester of full time classes, and is super unmotivated. i should also say that my mom has LOTS of health problems. she has polycystic kidney disease which my grandmother had and eventually had a transplant. basically this means that my mom's kidneys and back ache all the time. she's also very overweight with high blood pressure and fibromyalgia which causes fatigue and general pain. i'm sure that it's not easy to deal with. but her doctor has told her over and over if she'd lose a bit of weight some of her health problems would be better. not perfect, but better. and she just lies around all day reading, not doing anything with her life. she also is taking medication for depression that randomly goes crazy on her.
this is what scares me: i see myself in her. i do that. over break, when i could have been out looking for jobs, i used stupid excuses to lay in bed all day. and sure everyone needs a break every once in a while, but my grades last semester? not so hot. i spent SO much time on my laptop NOT doing work for my classes. seriously? it's SO bad. and i don't know how to fix it. i think that's the most frustrating thing. i feel like i should easily be able to manage my time in a way that allows me to get everything done, but that's not how it works. i feel like i'm just hardwired to be lazy and not care about my life.
a friend recently gave me some really good advice about stress: you're only stressed because you're not doing something that you know ought to be done already. if i would just take care of things in a timely fashion, i wouldn't have these problems. instead i put things off until the very last minute until there's hardly anything that can be done to fix the mess. i'm so FREAKING disgusted with myself because it's all my fault. i want to blame it on the things that i've seen displayed by role models in my life, but i have other people who love me besides my mom. people who have shown me that things don't have to be handled this way. and instead of letting people know that i continue to struggle, i hide and i lie and i tell people that everything is ok.
but it's not. there's a part of me that's just plain sick of being who i am. see here's the underlying issue. it's not just that i'm unmotivated, but the reasons why i'm unmotivated. it's because i DO NOT CARE about school right now. i do not care whether or not i get a degree in something. i feel like i have no purpose. and that's scary.
woah. this just got superserious. i'm sitting here watching this cursor blink while i have an identity crisis. and now i'm just being melodramatic. there's a part of me that wants to hide this away somewhere, but what good does that do? if i even have to hide from my lj friends, what kind of fake life am i living?
i have to get up super early in the morning and go get a new driver's liscense. HOPEFULLY i'll be going back to g-vegas tomorrow and my little corner of the college world. classes start friday, and i haven't signed up. so financial aid and my advisor's office all tomorrow??? probably not. but i can try. gah i hate everything right now. yuck.
now i'm reading back over this again and i just hate it. i don't want to be that super depressed girl. but on the inside... is that who i really am? i wasn't always this way. but i feel like i slowly drifted down into a hole that i can't get out of. and i feel like i'm waiting for someone else to come rescue me. but is that realistic? is that really gonna happen??? ok. rant over. goodnight/morning.
i have to stop posting at 3 am. this is ridiculous.