A Year in Review
Last year, as the year drew to a close, I tried to put a positive spin on the quake we'd had. Somewhat naively I thought we'd been through the worst we could be dealt and so I was ready to put it behind me and grasp the new year with both hands. Obviously that didn't pan out so well, but the year we've lived through has been an interesting one so I think I'll take a stroll back through it and see what I learnt.
January - As usual the year started out with our annual trip to Ashley Gorge to camp with several other families we know. The kids had a blast and it was lovely to get away from the city for a while. We also headed to Hanmer Springs for a day at the pools - again lovely to get out of the city. So I guess that's what I learned in January: that it's really good to get away even for a little while to rejuvenate before facing whatever challenges there are in your life. It's not weak and it's not selfish to take time out for yourself.
February - by the end of January I had made a decision to make good on my resolution from the end of last year to stop putting things off and to get out there and look at the city I inhabit in more depth. I learned, sadly, that this was an excellent idea which I should have put into action sooner. So many of those things I wanted to do have now disappeared forever, though I will be grateful 'til the day I die that I got in there and did things I will now never have the chance to do again. I also learned in February that it's possible to live with questionable power, water etc, that a community will pitch in and help each other in adversity and that the worst thing imaginable isn't as bad as you might imagine when you're actually faced with it. I find it comforting to know that whatever is thrown at me in the future (and there are worse things that could happen) I know I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and keep going through it.
March - In March we were able to return home and we set up the home school for our kids which eventually took in several of the families from school. I learned that whatever you are dealing with it is made easier by sharing responsibility and by helping out others. Taking the focus off us and our problems and helping the kids get a bit of normality in their lives was the most rewarding part of this month. That and having other mothers who were going through the same thing at the same time and who just understood. There's something really valuable in having people who get it when you say you're having a bad day and there needs to be no discussion about why. Support and mutual understanding are the most important resources we can have in terrible situations.
April - In April I learned that even several weeks later you can fall apart. This is probably a continuation of March's discovery as the reason it all came crashing down on me was that home school finished and the kids went back to school and life went back to normal - except it wasn't normal and I found that very hard to deal with. Once again, however, I discovered that reaching out to other people in the same situation, whether in real life or online, is valuable in helping to push through and try to overcome the bad times. I also learned that even weeks after something dreadful other people will be thinking about you and small gestures of love and support mean a lot. I determined to apply this to other people going through tough times - I may not have a lot of money but I have a lot of support to give.
May - In May I learned that small steps to normality are huge when it's been so long since you had anything resembling normal life. I also learned that engagement in the process of rebuilding is important to make me feel less helpless in the face of insurance and other things that we really have no control over. So it was in May that I really started trying to dig in and take part in the regeneration of the city in whatever way I could. This is something I have since lost and I think I was happier back then when I was more actively engaged so I'm going to try and resurrect that part of me again in the new year. It was also in May that I really rediscovered fandom and was able to focus a little bit outside of what was going on in the city. It taught me that balance is good and no matter how much earthquakes loom large in my life there is room for other things and they won't diminish my experiences and may even add resilience (yes, I still hate the word but I can't think of a better one) into my ability to cope.
June - June taught me to stop being complacent. Even after February I had made an assumption that it was over now and we wouldn't have to deal with anything new. More than February, June taught me that an earthquake isn't one event, but an ongoing series of them. It taught me, more than February, that you've really got to dig deep into yourself and just push through it. In June I hit the lowest point I hit all year and yet I learned that can happen but you can pick yourself up and carry on. Hitting a real emotional low doesn't have to mean the end of the road - it is possible to reach those lows, reach out to others and drag yourself onwards. It's also possible that one day, after hitting such a low, you will hit a high again. June was the hardest month to deal with and get through and yet it was the month this year that taught me the most about perseverance, about survival and about getting through.
July - after the low point of June July was a real blessing. I still felt depressed and vulnerable but I had the trip to Brisbane to look forward to. The time away itself was amazing and it taught me that even that long after the quakes people outside the area, outside the country even, still care about what is going on. It gave me respite from the shaking and allowed me to revisit what I had already learned - that time out is essential in order to keep your equilibrium and move on and through it. We also had snow which the kids adored and it taught me to take the time to appreciate the smaller things in life. We don't generally get snow so trying to make the most of it for the kids taught me to just slow down and appreciate the positive side of what nature has to offer. No matter what happens you can find something positive in it.
August - In August I branched even further away from earthquakiness by enrolling in my maori language course. It took my mind off quakes and instead put it onto study. It had been a real benefit to me, not just because I am learning another language but because it gave me something else to focus attention on. I'm not sure what it has taught me yet (other than the obvious) but I suspect it will involve broadness of understanding and looking at things from a new perspective. It was also in August that hubby went from ½ days at work to being allowed back in fulltime. It was a really nice step further into normality although it did teach me that I had been relying on him quite heavily post-February's quake and that by myself I wasn't dealing with things as well as I might have thought. On the other hand that taught me that I can't do it all alone and so I finally started to see counsellors.
September - a year on from the original earthquake, September taught me that no matter how bleak things looked right then, we were a lot better off than we had been at the same time last year. As frustrating as delays in rebuilding and insurance issues have been, things have progressed and despite several major setbacks in the form of new earthquakes people are starting to be able to move on. There are many for whom that isn't true, and I don't want to negate their experiences at all, but a large number of people are starting to be able to figure out what they are going to do with their lives and their homes. My local mall re-opened, the museum re-opened and life started to look more like we could get past the disaster and actually do some living. It was also in September that I lost my grandma. At 99 she taught me that the choices we make in our lives are important and that living true to yourself is far more important than trying to please all the people all the time. She has been greatly missed.
October - signalling the real start of spring, October was a mostly positive month for me. It's hard to be depressed when the world around you is bursting with new life and energy and even a broken city can still look beautiful when nature does its thing. Learning the lesson from January, the kids and I made sure we had a full and fun school holiday. It taught me that no matter what is missing from an events calendar there will always be something else you can do instead and it may require creativity and breaking out of your usual rut but it will often be really rewarding to do. It was also in October that the first segment of the city reopened to the public with the opening of the container shops in Cashel Street. It taught me that despite tragedy and despite not necessarily having shops I'd want to spend a lot of time in, the rejuvenation of part of the city shows great hope. It's not permanent but it is fun and interesting and it shows that even during the rebuild we can have interesting and innovative spaces to be in. The immediate future is not all bleak.
November - In November we were allowed back into the central city red zone in a controlled and supervised manner. Being back in there taught me that the city will never be the same. Now I know that's blindingly obvious, but there's something visceral about being in a place that has been so hollowed out that surpasses the intellectual understanding you get when forced to stay on the outside. I have hung onto the old city for so long and it was in November that I started to admit that I can't do that anymore. It hurts, it's hard but I have to let it go. This was when I started to collect pictures and books of the city as it used to be and started to look at what we might end up getting in the future rather than hoping to somehow recreate the past. My November was also taken up with election work and being focused on issues and problems outside of earthquakiness. It was really good and taught me that a break doesn't have to involve being out of the city - a break just from thinking about something can be just as effective.
December - The focus this month has mostly been on finishing school, Christmas and camping. My emotions have been up, down and all over the place and I learned that even if you are focused on other things, quake issues can jump out and ambush you (and that's even before more quakes come along to remind you you're in an ongoing event). I also learned that even this far after the event people are still there for each other, and of everything that is probably the biggest blessing of the year - the knowledge that no matter what comes along people will still be there to give support and understanding. It can be emotional stress, it can be physical problems, it can be new quakes and all that comes with them but the underlying thing is the same: you can rely on people to generally be good to each other in adversity and when it comes down to it, no matter what is lost, no matter how much it can hurt, having good people around you - people you know will help no questions asked - is all you really need.
That's it from me. We are going away for a week tomorrow and will be away from the internet so I'll take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy new year and to fervently hope that 2012 is much less eventful than 2011 has been. I never thought I'd want to see the back of a year more than I wanted to see the back of 2010 and yet here we are. It's almost done, and despite having learnt a lot and grown a lot this year, I'm wishing for peace and quiet for next year.