Anniversary
As I write this it's 3.50 am on February 22nd 2012 and I can't sleep. It's just a few short hours away from being exactly a year since the most devastating of our 4 major earthquakes pummeled the city and I'm feeling very ... emotional. That's the only word for it. It's a big swirl of so many different emotions that I can't reach in and select any one of them to be 'what I am feeling today' but I guess 'fragile' encompasses the group of feelings best. In the lead up to this anniversary I have had so many conversations with so many different people and yet they all end up at a similar point: disbelief that it's been a year. I do have this sense that I'm being silly, because, well, of course it's been a year - time does that. It marches on and pulls us with it. I also feel silly because this isn't the anniversary of where this all started and my life had already been turned upside down well before this particular earthquake hit, I don't personally know anyone who died (all my experiences are one step away) and so it feels a bit like I'm cheating to be so affected by this anniversary.
And yet I am. I remember how upbeat I sounded in my post about the September anniversary. There was a lot that depressed me back then, but I was able to push it all away and write something that celebrated how well things were going in the city. Today I can't do that and I wonder if that will always be the case - that in all the Septembers from now on I will take stock of how far we've come and in all the Februarys I will grieve for what we've lost. Because I think that's what's happening here. I'm grieving for our city, for our people, for our way of life. No matter what comes of this we have lost so very much and whatever city rises from here it cannot ever be the one we lost, and the people who died will never come back. If it had only been September's quake things would be so different right now, so I think I'm also grieving for that time after the 'miracle' disaster that killed no-one.
I don't have the words for anything else, so I'll just share a few links before trying to get some sleep before what is sure to be a painful day. In their coverage of the anniversary, The Press gathered together a whole lot of peoples' first texts and they have included one of my husband's (number 33 on the list if anyone is interested). Seeing it there among some of the others is quite confronting - there are ones from trapped people and one really horrible one starkly announcing one person's death. What we went through that day is so little compared to so many and adds to that feeling of cheating by being so affected today.
I'll leave this with what I wrote for the quake stories site about my experience during the February quake. In those first few minutes and hours I didn't really appreciate just how bad things were -- that was the great curse, but also great blessing, of being out in the suburbs with no power. I was able to focus almost entirely on getting to my kids and getting them home safely. It wasn't til I saw a TV that evening that I had to confront what had happened. In some ways I think I would have had an easier time if I hadn't had access to the pictures, certainly it would have been easier emotionally though the physical hardships would have been worse.
I may write again later today. We'll see where my emotions take me. In the meantime I'll say again one of the most used phrases in Canterbury this year: Kia kaha - stay strong.