Take Me There for beastlyshine 7/7

[madelyn93]

The call comes at the beginning of June, when he’s in the middle of picking out photos from his camera to evoke. “Hello?” he answers. He finds it amusing how they’re mostly pictures of Joonmyun, but then again, he’d been meaning to put up more pictures on the wall of his room and these should be good.

“Do you have time to talk right now?” It’s his father, Chanyeol realizes. “I have something I want to ask you.” A breath. “And I want you to think seriously about it.”

Chanyeol finds the picture of Joonmyun and Jinri from Christmas, when they’re both rinsing the strawberries and smiling brightly to the camera. He picks it, too. “I’m free,” he replies, and tries looking after the one with Yura and his mother.

“I’ve been considering this ever since I called you on your birthday,” his father says, and Chanyeol pays more attention now, putting down the camera to listen more carefully.

“Yes?”

“It’s obvious that you still blame me.” Chanyeol looks down at the pictures and picks out a few on Jongin, Sehun as Zitao at the café. “I’m not asking you to suddenly feel... comfortable again.”

In front of him is Joonmyun frowning at the camera with barbecue sauce smeared over his cheek and Chanyeol remembers Joonmyun telling him to stop taking pictures of people when they’re eating. He doesn’t know what to answer his father. The silence is heavy but he has no idea how to lighten it.

“You don’t have to answer me right away.” His father is dragging out on the time, and Chanyeol has always been an impatient person.

“Okay,” Chanyeol says, turning off the camera. His eyes flickers to the clock on the wall and Joonmyun should be driving home now. Not to Chanyeol, though. He’s sleeping in his own apartment today, since a big exam is coming up tomorrow, and he can’t study medicines with Joonmyun’s hand on his lap. It’s always a little bit harder to concentrate then. “I’m listening.”

“Yura wants this, too,” his father begins but pauses. Breathes in. Starts to talk but stops again. Breathes out. There is hesitation. Chanyeol drums his fingers on the desk and waits. “Before Fall arrives, we’d like to have you here with us.”

He stops drumming and holds tighter onto the phone. Chanyeol swallows, and his eyebrows are furrowed as he tries to understand. He isn’t sure what the words are supposed to mean.

“I didn’t really...” Chanyeol pauses and wets his suddenly dry lips. He thinks about Yura’s remark about their father not being a good talker, and thinks they are alike in this.

“Yura told me you’re a med student?”

Chanyeol’s gaze falls on the medicine book in front of him. “I am.”

“You wanted to be a music major.” His voice is almost quiet, and Chanyeol lets his mouth fall slightly open. “I found a very good music college here, and you can-” Pause again. “You can study there. I’d like to have you here.”

He can’t seem to find words. Chanyeol remains quiet.

“Of course, you don’t have to make up your mind right now. You have all summer to think over it,” his father adds quickly. “Yura already checked with them, and they’re willing to take you in. It’s a very good school. Think about it.”

Chanyeol’s mind is blank, but he manages to press out a small, “I will”, before he hangs up.

He reaches for the camera and turns it on again, and his chest aches in a very painful way, a way it hasn’t for a long time now, when his eyes lands on a picture of Joonmyun and all their friends gathered in the living room of Kris’s apartment. It stings when he thinks of boarding the plane, leaving this - Joonmyun - to fly to London because he has the last hole in his heart to fill.

*

Jongin spends two hours with Chanyeol at the record store on Tuesday, studying, and Chanyeol stares at him.

“What?” Jongin says, looking up with a frown to Chanyeol when he catches him staring. “You’re so creepy.”

“You’ve told me.” Chanyeol’s laugh is not as loud and obnoxious but he still earns a kick to his small leg. “If I ever go somewhere, would you be happy?”

“Wait, are you sick?” Jongin’s eyes widens now and Chanyeol thinks he manages to catch a bit of panic and real worry in there.

“No,” he says, shaking his head. Jongin mutters something to hide his sigh of relief. “If you know... I moved somewhere?”

“Like, far away?” Jongin is chewing on his pencil now, tilting his head.

Chanyeol nods. “Yeah. Far away.”

It takes a while before Jongin can answer this, and Chanyeol is pleased when he looks like he’s deep in his thoughts. “I don’t know,” he finally answers. “It’s not like we would stop talking?” He bites his lower lip. “I mean, you would probably still call me to annoy me when it’s too early in the morning here because you can’t remember the time zones.”

“You’re right.” Chanyeol laughs and this time it’s really loud. He can imagine that.

“Why?” Jongin’s eyes are curious on him now.

Smoothing out his shirt with his eyes elsewhere, Chanyeol shrugs. “I just wondered.” Jongin doesn’t look convinced but he lets it slide and goes back to studying while Chanyeol takes the time to think.

*

How long does happiness last?

Chanyeol doesn’t tend to remember much from lessons but he does remember that their literature teacher in high school asked them all this. Back then, Chanyeol had answered with “I don’t know happiness” and the teacher had given him a sad look before proceeding to another student. He’d thought of Su Ji, and Yura and his father.

Now, when he pushes Joonmyun’s sweaty hair back from his forehead before bringing their mouths together, he asks Joonmyun this. “How long does happiness last?” He kisses down Joonmyun’s neck. “Do you know the answer hyung?” Two fingers opens Joonmyun up carefully, and Joonmyun’s quick breaths brush against Chanyeol’s cheek.

“For as long as you don’t let go of it,” Joonmyun says, and Chanyeol catches the words to breathe them in, as he kisses Joonmyun again hurriedly.

It’s not like Chanyeol wants to let go of this happiness, he thinks, when he pushes his sweaty chest against Joonmyun's, arms around the smaller man, and gets Joonmyun’s come on him. It’s sticky and they both need to clean themselves, but Chanyeol wants to stay like this a little longer. He sloppily leaves a kiss on Joonmyun’s forehead. It’s not like he doesn’t want to stay in China. It just feels like he has to leave for a while, in order to return and stay there forever.

The words are stuck in his throat, and Chanyeol can’t seem to force them out when Joonmyun finally pulls them both up and drags Chanyeol to the bathroom to take care of him.

“Do you know what I thought when I saw your smile for the first time?” Chanyeol says, when Joonmyun fills the bath tub with water.

“No.” Joonmyun leads them both in and lets Chanyeol lean his back against his chest before reaching out for the shampoo. “Tell me.”

“I thought that there was no way you could smile like that without having something to hide.” He sighs when Joonmyun massages his head with gentle fingers. “I was wrong. Because you have nothing to hide, and your smile still shines so bright.”

Joonmyun’s laugh is soft, and Chanyeol closes his eyes to let Joonmyun wash away the shampoo on his head. “I don’t like my smile.”

They wash themselves and step out of the bath tub, Joonmyun taking out a clean towel to dry them both. Chanyeol finds his hands and gets their fingers all tangled. “It’s the best thing that I know of.”

The way Joonmyun’s eyes disappear and break into a happy smile makes Chanyeol’s chest hurt but he kisses Joonmyun instead, trying to not let Joonmyun hear the way his heart shatters.

*

He doesn’t think he can love Joonmyun with a hole in his heart, when Joonmyun gives him a beautiful, whole heart in return and everything else, too.

*

The summer heat arrives very sudden and Chanyeol wipes the sweat off his forehead. Joonmyun had forced a black suit on both of them, and now they’re struggling with the warmth while blocking the strong sun with their hands. Jongin, Sehun and Zitao are graduating high school, today. Chanyeol thinks it’d looked more natural to come here in t-shirts and jeans instead.

Joonmyun maybe agrees. “I thought it was a good time to finally wear those?” he says, and his hair sticks to his forehead as he unbuttons his blazer.

Chanyeol is already taking his off. “You look so handsome in it, though, so it’s worth it,” he replies. “A little. But I’m never wearing this in summer again.” Joonmyun is smiling up at him now. Chanyeol’s heart squeezes, even after seven months of dating.

“You two look ridiculous,” Baekhyun points out, and Chanyeol pinches him. “Stop doing that!”

“Where is Taeyeon noona?” he asks.

Baekhyun sighs. “Busy,” is all he says, and the conversation stops here. Chanyeol knows he doesn’t like it when they talk about their relationship, because it’s been unsteady recently and Baekhyun doesn’t like to be reminded. They’re both too busy to even see each other.

“I never thought Jongin would actually graduate,” Jongdae says, sliding up next to them with Yixing behind him. Kyungsoo is dragging Kris with him to take more pictures of the boys, who are busy talking to their classmates.

“Me neither,” Chanyeol laughs, and he grabs Joonmyun’s arm to drag him towards Jongin. His eyes are bright when he turns to look at them, and Chanyeol takes out the bouquet to give him. “Flowers for our baby.”

Jongin pokes his chest, hard, but takes the flowers and smiles at them both. “We should take a picture?” he says, and Kyungsoo is already lifting the camera up to his eyes.

When the camera flashes, and Chanyeol has his arms around Jongin and Joonmyun, he feels a sudden tug in his heart. It’s not a good tug. He keeps thinking about conversations with his father. Chanyeol pulls both of them closer.

*

When his father calls, Chanyeol avoids conversations about choices and London. He rambles about his work and school, and even mentions Joonmyun once in a while with a little hesitation and always makes excuses to hang up when the subject comes up. His father doesn’t push him, but Chanyeol feels the need to make a decision soon. It’s already July.

“Chanyeol!” Hyosung shouts, and he startles out of his thoughts, and accidentally knocks down the pile of CDs behind him. He lets out a quiet ow and spins around to pick everything up. Nothing is broken. “Are you finally listening?”

“Yes,” he sighs. Friday shifts with Hyosung are always so loud. Last summer, it had been with Yixing, and so very calm. “What did you say?”

“Nothing important,” she replies and smiles sweetly before pulling out her phone from her pocket and he rolls his eyes. “Oh. Your phone has been vibrating.”

He groans, standing up to reach his backpack on the floor and takes up his phone. Four missed calls from Jinri. He calls back.

“Did you put your phone on silence again?” she asks when she picks up.

“You know me very well,” he says. “Was it something important?”

“No.” He hears Haneul crying, and a smile spreads over his lips. “When are you visiting us, with Joonmyun?” She mumbles something to the baby with a soft voice.

He combs his hair with his hand. His scalp is sticky. “I don’t know.” Chanyeol doesn’t.

Jinri is silent for a while. “I heard from Yura. That your father wants you to come to London.” Chanyeol chews the inside of his lips, and there is a guilty feeling in his stomach. He’s told no one but his mother about this, but he feels like he should’ve told Jinri. “What are you going to do?”

A few customers come in, and Hyosung stands up to help them. He scratches his knee and gulps. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about this at all, because he has, late nights staying up when he can’t sleep even when Joonmyun is breathing steadily next to him. Chanyeol thinks a lot. Thinks about finally getting to know his father, thinks of dinners and having conversations that they’ve missed out on. Thinks of finally receiving some sort of... love, that he’s always wanted. But the thoughts always stop when Joonmyun puts his arms around Chanyeol, and Chanyeol falls asleep easily after that.

“I want to,” he says quietly, and Jinri is washing the dishes now it sounds like. He hears the water running. “But I don’t want to leave.” Joonmyun. Everyone of you. “It’s hard.”

“I can imagine,” she says. “Have you told Joonmyun?”

“No, I haven’t.” He’s been meaning to, but he can’t, because there is always this hopeful look in Joonmyun’s eyes when he looks at Chanyeol. “I don’t know how to.”

Sometimes, like when Joonmyun is washing the dishes after dinner, Chanyeol looks at his back and thinks of what a great husband he would make. He thinks of the sad looks on Joonmyun’s face whenever he returns home from dinners with his family, when he tells Chanyeol quietly about how disappointed they are in him when he declines all the dates with those girls.

“You should tell him, soon,” Jinri suggests. He tells her he knows, and they talk about something else for a while before hanging up, and Chanyeol is left with more confusion.

Joonmyun calls him when the shift is over and he is locking the door to the store. “Are you coming over today?” he asks. Chanyeol is already on his way to the bus stop. He thinks it’s obvious the answer is yes, but he also thinks Joonmyun likes to be sure of things, so he doesn’t mention it.

“I’m home soon,” he responds instead, and sits down on the bench. “I’ve got something to tell you later.” This feeling in his stomach is similar to when they were at the roof and he’s about to kiss Joonmyun, there is hesitation and fear and pain all tangled up.

He hears how Joonmyun places down a plate or maybe a bowl, carefully on a table, and breathes in. “Okay,” Joonmyun says slowly. He sounds worried, and Chanyeol hangs up before he has the chance to regret this.

*

Chanyeol opens the door to Joonmyun’s apartment, and finds Joonmyun watching a movie on the TV. His eyes flicker up to Chanyeol, and he smiles, but Chanyeol sees the anxiety. He swallows, stepping out of his shoes, and lets Joonmyun hug him. They eat dinner in silence, a few words chucked in here and there, but conversations die out faster than they used to. Chanyeol brushes his teeth, and his hands are trembling as he dries his face with a towel.

“Are you all right?” Joonmyun asks, hand rubbing Chanyeol’s back when they sit down on the bed, getting ready to sleep. Chanyeol can’t take in enough gulps of air. His heart is hammering against his chest and he grips Joonmyun’s free hand to calm himself. “You said you wanted to talk.”

When Chanyeol doesn’t answer, Joonmyun tucks them both in under the sheets and caresses Chanyeol’s hair while looking at him, and Chanyeol suddenly feels his heavy eyelids.

“My father,” he says, and it’s just a whisper, so Joonmyun has to lean closer to hear. “I should’ve told you this a long time ago, but. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure about what to do, and I didn’t want you to worry more than you usually do so I-”

“It’s just fine,” Joonmyun says, and he finds Chanyeol’s hands. “You can tell me now.” Joonmyun always makes things better, and Chanyeol sighs. Maybe he doesn’t deserve this.

“He wants me to go to London.” The words comes out thin like air, and Chanyeol closes his eyes, wanting to block his ears because he thinks he hears the heavy thud of Joonmyun’s heart dropping down to his stomach. “He wants me to go there, before Fall, and he says I can study music if I want to and I...” Don’t want to leave you but I think I have to. “Don’t know what to do.”

Joonmyun’s eyes are still soft, although they look a bit sad, and Chanyeol doesn’t want this. He wants Joonmyun smiling, wants Joonmyun’s hands in his hair, wants to stay like this. But there is his father in London, and he also wants that. He is being selfish.

“You should go.” Joonmyun is moving closer as he says those words, and Chanyeol’s breaths are shaky when he puts his arms around Joonmyun. It’s already very warm outside, and he doesn’t want to be under the sheets, but he can’t move. “You should go to your father.”

“I don’t want to leave.”

“But you still want to go?”

Chanyeol should’ve known that Joonmyun knows him all too well. “Yes.” It’s weak.

“Then you should,” Joonmyun whispers, and Chanyeol’s but what about you gets swallowed when he kisses him. Chanyeol grasps onto Joonmyun’s t-shirt as if he will never let go (he will) and hopes that this will be enough to keep them both calm.

When he kisses Joonmyun, tongue running along Joonmyun’s teeth, he tries to pour out apologies but they will never be enough because he thinks he hears something break.

*

July flies away fast, even though all Chanyeol wants is to hold it in his hands tightly, and it’s the beginning of August already. “So you’re leaving,” Baekhyun says, and his eyes are blank. They’re sitting on Chanyeol’s bed and he has a pillow in his hand. Chanyeol fears that it will hit his face any second. “You didn’t tell me until now.”

“I didn’t want to...”

“Make me worried? Why would I be worried! You’re a grown up man and-” Baekhyun stops to take breaths. “I hate being unprepared and what do you think I would be when you suddenly tell me you’re leaving for London in about two weeks?”

“I’m sorry.” He looks down on his toes and feels his heart getting heavier. This shouldn’t be so hard. They’re not going to lose each other. “I’m really sorry.”

“How did Joonmyun hyung take it?” Baekhyun asks, leaning his chin against the pillow. “You didn’t hurt him, did you?” Chanyeol bites his lips. “Jongin is going to hit you with all your favorite books. Or rip them apart.”

Nothing has changed between Joonmyun and him. They still hold hands and act like everything’s all right, that when summer is over, there will be Fall, Winter, and Spring and more time spent together after this. But their kisses are more desperate, and Chanyeol always trembles. He spends more time sleeping alone in his own apartment, now filled with cardboard boxes, and only weekends are spent at Joonmyun’s place.

“He wanted me to go.” Chanyeol knows very clearly it’s because Joonmyun will always want what he thinks is best for Chanyeol. He knows. Baekhyun knows, too.

“Only because you want to.”

“I know.”

“It’s none of my businesses,” Baekhyun says, shrugging. “But don’t regret when you find an invitation to his wedding with someone his parents have picked out when you’re in London.”

Chanyeol laughs dryly and pushes hair back from his forehead. It’s getting harder to breathe. “I was hoping for that.” He wants Joonmyun to be happy.

“Do you think that would bring him more happiness?” Baekhyun shakes his head. “You’re wrong. Have you even seen the way he looks at you? Or the way you look at him? If this was a book, my heart would’ve been broken as a reader.”

*

They don’t hold hands, but stay close to each other. There are many people at the airport and Chanyeol is clutching onto his passport with a pounding heart. Joonmyun is right next to him, a warm palm pressed flat to his back, and as always, it soothes Chanyeol. He doesn’t dare to lean into the touch, though, but he wishes that Joonmyun would keep his hand there for a long time.

Jongin and Yixing are helping him with all the baggage, and Jongin keeps complaining but he doesn’t mean it. He never means it, anyway. Baekhyun’s hand reaches for Chanyeol’s, and squeezes lightly, before letting go. The warmth lasts, though. They are the only ones here right now, Jongin, Yixing, Baekhyun, Joonmyun and him.

They had a small party two days ago, at Kyungsoo’s place, and Joonmyun had leaned into Chanyeol more than he usually does, hand clutching onto Chanyeol’s shirt. Chanyeol had felt a slow, but long lasting sting in his chest, but kept Joonmyun near all night. Sehun and Zitao gave him their emails and Sehun had smiled at him almost the same way he smiles at Zitao, for the first time.

“You should take care of yourself,” Sehun had said.

Kris and Kyungsoo were looking at him and Joonmyun with worried eyes, but Chanyeol had pretended not to see because nothing good would come out of it.

Goodbyes with Jinri, his mom and Minseok had been over the phone yesterday, when he was getting ready for bed even though he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. He ended every call with promising to call when he had the time, and when he had no one else to call, he still stayed awake, eyes wide open while looking up at the ceiling. Joonmyun was not there, but Chanyeol thought it would be the best, or else he might not be able to let go properly in the morning.

Now, he’s doing his best not to break when Joonmyun hugs him tightly. He closes his eyes and for a moment lets himself feel their heartbeats beating for each other, and he has to force himself to pull away. They both have. Joonmyun’s fingers stays faintly on Chanyeol’s wrists and he inhales.

“Take care of yourself,” Joonmyun says, instead of let’s break up but Chanyeol knows they’re doing it right now. He wants to look away. “Don’t think too much about anything, and just focus on getting closer to your father, okay? You want this.”

“Therefore, you will want this, too, even if you don’t.” Chanyeol fights the urge to lean his forehead against Joonmyun’s. He’s never been good with words, and now that he can’t use touches to express himself, he feels lost. But he looks into Joonmyun’s eyes, and hopes that this will be enough.

“I was really happy,” he whispers even if Jongin and Yixing and Baekhyun aren’t listening to them. “I am not letting go of this happiness because I want to. One day, I want to return to China.” Return to you. Chanyeol thinks Joonmyun hears the unspoken words.

“China will stay here for a very long time,” Joonmyun replies, and he smiles so wide Chanyeol thinks it’s because his heart must be in so much pain right now. Chanyeol wants to tell him that it’s okay to let go of him, but Chanyeol will not let go fully, because he’s never been good at doing it.

He watches as Joonmyun lets go of his heart before he steps inside the airport. Chanyeol is selfishly still holding onto Joonmyun’s, and he hopes he’ll be forgiven.

*

It’s raining when he lands in London, and he is glad he let Joonmyun put the sweater on him before going. His throat is dry when he thinks of Joonmyun, but he doesn’t let himself go back to pressing down his feelings. He lets them spread in his stomach instead, and swallows down the bitter taste.

“Chanyeol!” The voice belongs to Yura, and he turns with tired eyes to see his sister running up to him with a big grin, and lets out a weak ouch when she throws her arms around him and hugs him until he can’t breathe.

He feels a little better, when she takes his hand in hers and then looks up to notice a woman looking at them both.

“You must be Chanyeol,” she says, reaching out with her hands to put them on his shoulders. Her voice is very friendly, and so are her eyes. This must be Daehyun’s mom, he thinks. “I’ve been wanting to meet you.”

He doesn’t have time to answer before small hands grab at his jeans and he looks down with wide eyes just to meet a pair of small, but very big eyes staring up at him. “Hyung?” the little boy says, and Chanyeol blinks a few times.

“Hyung,” he repeats, a little flabbergasted, as the little boy tugs on his jeans. “You’re Daehyun, right?”

Daehyun nods ways too much to be necessary, the corners of his lips pulling up into a very wide smile, and for a moment there, Chanyeol thinks he can see why their father thinks they’re alike.

“Oh,” Daehyun’s mom says and laughs. “He’s heard a lot about you, from both Yura and your father. He’s looked forward to meet you, too.”

“Hyung is very tall,” Daehyun says now, looking up to Chanyeol with awe. He can’t help but laugh.

He’s still not very comfortable, but he feels at ease when he talks to Daehyun in the car to their house, and sticks to Daehyun the whole day. The house is bigger than Chanyeol had imagined and Daehyun is excited as he shows Chanyeol his room. He helps Chanyeol unpack most of his things from one of the suitcases, and Chanyeol’s gaze lingers on the Kim Young Ha book before he puts it away. Daehyun sits on Chanyeol’s bed very nicely while looking through his books while Chanyeol showers.

“Do you like reading?” Chanyeol asks, smiling down at him.

“Mom reads me stories,” Daehyun replies. “I really like to listen to them, but I’m not good at reading.”

Chanyeol smiles softly. “Hyung will recommend you a lot of books when you get a little bit older.” He is caught by surprise at the fondness he has when he looks at Daehyun, and this is easier than he’d thought.

The harder part is meeting his father. He arrives home when Chanyeol is helping Yura and Daehyun’s mom making dinner, and Daehyun is watching a cartoon on TV in the living room.

It is hard to recognize him at first, and Chanyeol ends up starting without saying anything. His father has more wrinkles and looks tired when he places his briefcase on the table. “It’s good you came here safely,” his father says, loosening the tie, and that is all before he goes up to his bedroom to take a shower.

Chaneyol hadn’t expected a warm hug, or even a I missed you, but suddenly he feels cold inside and all the efforts he’s been making in not thinking of Seoul and Joonmyun is for nothing, because now all he wants is the heat from Joonmyun’s body, close to his.

“Hyung,” Daehyun suddenly says, and Chanyeol hasn’t noticed him coming into the kitchen. He looks down at the younger boy. “Would you like to watch a movie with me tomorrow?”

He licks his lips and smiles. “That sounds great.”

*

It takes a long time before he can start to feel at home, even if Daehyun and Yura helps. Daehyun’s mom is friendly, but Chanyeol usually avoids being alone with her. The English is hard in the beginning, and University is more tiring because of it. He has to start all over again and thinks it’s a waste he’s spent two years studying medicines just to suddenly jump to music, but in the end, he enjoys it more.

He thinks of Woohyun when they are having songwriting lessons, and Joonmyun appears right after even if he tries to block it. Chanyeol only allows himself to think of Joonmyun when he’s in bed, and close to sleep. Only then does he imagine Joonmyun right here with him, breath against his neck and arms around his waist.

On the days, he focuses hard on the English. Yura helps him when she has time, and Chanyeol thinks he should’ve learned it more in high school. He frequently calls home to Jinri and his mom, and weekends are when he has conversations with the others, mostly Baekhyun, Yixing or Jongin. He emails Sehun and Zitao once in a while, and always laughs at Zitao’s cute emoticons while Sehun’s replies are always boring but Chanyeol appreciates it all. They don’t ever mention Joonmyun, and Chanyeol is thankful although also regretful because he’d like to know how he’s doing.

Fridays, he has dinners with his father. It’s all about Chanyeol having to eat his food in silence while listening to him complaining about the same thing. Boring meetings. Chanyeol takes a bite of the hamburger. Boring people. Chanyeol chews slowly. Busy schedule. He reaches out for his glass of vine. No time to rest. Chanyeol wants to go home and be on the phone with his mother.

He doesn’t call Joonmyun, even if he should. While eating, Chanyeol often imagines conversations with him, though. Joonmyun's warm voice, asking him if he's all right in London, if he likes his new home, because those are the questions that Joonmyun would most likely ask. How nice would it be, Chanyeol thinks, taking a sip while blocking his father's voice, to talk to Joonmyun right now. But Chanyeol can't.

All of these things falls into a habit as seasons pass, and Chanyeol learns a thousand new words in English and suddenly, two years have passed by. He doesn’t forget to send Joonmyun happy birthday, hyung! and Joonmyun never forgets, either.

*

The first year, his father doesn’t forget to give him a birthday present. It was a music notebook, and Chanyeol hadn’t expected it, but it had made him happy, nonetheless.

Second year in London, his father forgets. Chanyeol is not surprised, and not disappointed. He’d never been expecting it.

*

Chanyeol is fluent in English now. His sister keeps teasing him about his accent, though, and Daehyun is ten. His birthday is today, and Chanyeol gives him a book for a present. “This one is really good,” Chanyeol says. “It’s just part one of a trilogy called ‘His Dark Materials’, so just tell hyung to buy you the second book when you’re finished.”

He ignores the tug in his heart when Joonmyun flashes by his eyes. He’s been doing great at ignoring things like that. He has always been.

“Are you trying to make him turn into a bookworm like you?” Yura asks, peeling a clementine and Chanyeol tries to snatch it from her. She is quick, though, and he ends up stumbling a little instead.

“Books are very nice,” he mutters. “Daehyun should really enter the world of books.”

Yura laughs. “You know, I never thought you would be so interested in reading until I went back to Korean and heard you and Joonmyun discuss books while we were watching the movie-” She stops. Chanyeol presses his lips together into a thin line and starts a conversation with Daehyun instead.

It’s been two years without even seeing Joonmyun or having him close to Chanyeol, yet his heart always manages to race whenever he is mentioned.

*

Chanyeol is getting ready to pick Jinri and her baby up from the airport today. He’s on the phone with Baekhyun while brushing his teeth and cleaning his face. Baekhyun graduates University this summer, and is going to take over his dad’s company. He’d sounded so miserable when he talked about it with Chanyeol before, but now he’s almost enjoying it.

“Even if I have to wear suits every day and no eyeliner,” Baekhyun sighs, “I still have Taeyeon to return home to.”

They are not planning on getting married soon, Baekhyun had told, but they’re engaged. Baekhyun says he isn’t going to marry her until Chanyeol comes back. “You’re ridiculous,” Chanyeol had said, laughing, but Baekhyun hadn’t been joking.

“I wish I could visit you, too,” Baekhyun says. Chanyeol is peeling off his pajamas pants and pulling on a pair of jeans. “I don’t have time.”

“I speak to you more than I speak to my mom these days,” Chanyeol says. “It’s like I’m still in Korea, isn’t it.”

“It’s not the same.”

Chanyeol smiles. “I know. I’ll come back, soon.”

They hang up and Chanyeol is in a hurry now, forgetting the time while talking with Baekhyun, and Jinri’s plane lands in about forty minutes. He thinks it takes a little more to drive there. His shoelaces have never loved him, and today isn’t an expectation. Chanyeol groans as he ties it sloppily before grabbing his keys and running down to his car. In the midst of everything, his father had wanted him to get a driver’s license, too. It’s convenient, but Chanyeol thinks he prefers riding buses and trains.

He arrives five minutes too late, and scans through the crowd to look for a familiar face. Chanyeol finds it at last, Jinri looking around with a frown while holding Haneul and he hurries up to them. He hasn’t seen Jinri in two years, and hugs her tightly, while pressing a kiss to her forehead before letting his gaze fall on Haneul.

“You’re skinnier,” Jinri points out, brushing hair from his face. “Have you been eating properly?”

Chanyeol waves her questions off and asks her if he can hold Haneul. “She’s so tiny,” he says, almost in a whisper. Haneul is staring up at him with wide, curious eyes and Chanyeol thinks they look just like Jinri’s.

“Don’t drop her,” Jinri says, half-joking, half-serious and Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“I drive a car,” he says, “and there has been no accident so far. I think I can hold babies without dropping them.”

He carefully takes Haneul from Jinri’s arms and something tugs in his heart when he’s finally holding her. He brushes his nose against her cheek and gives her a light kiss. “You are going to be even cuter than your mom,” he says, smiling and Jinri slaps him on the arm.

She takes Haneul back, and Chanyeol drags her suitcase with him to the car. “You can rest a bit at home,” he says, getting into the passenger seat after that they’ve put Haneul in a child seat. He’d reminded himself to buy it when Jinri announced that she would be visiting. “Then we can go out to eat dinner.”

“I really don’t like fish and chips,” she says quickly and Chanyeol laughs loudly. She shakes her head at him. “You still have that very obnoxious laughter. You haven’t changed at all.”

“Is that a bad or a good thing?”

She considers. “A good thing.”

*

They end up eating in an Korean restaurant, and Chanyeol calls Jinri boring but she only glares at him. Yura is babysitting Haneul, because she got home early from work. Daehyun’s is very fond of the baby, too, and kept staring at it.

Jinri sips the kimchi soup and sighs. “This is good,” she says, “but not as good as your mother’s.”

He laughs. “But of course.”

They eat in silence and Chanyeol can’t seem to find a reason to break it. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, and he thinks Jinri is still tired even after taking a three hours nap.

“Do you talk to Joonmyun?” The question is sudden and Chanyeol almost chokes on the rice. He sets his chopsticks down and shakes his head. She already knows the answer. He doesn’t see why she’s asking. “I haven’t told you this, because I thought maybe he didn’t want you to know, but he still visits me and mom. Haneul loves him.”

Chanyeol reaches out for his glass of water but doesn’t drink. That sounds like something Joonmyun would do, and of course Haneul would love him. Chanyeol hadn’t expected anything else. “I see.” He takes up his chopsticks again and eats a piece of meat.

“He’s visited twice with this girl named Seohyun.” Another piece. Chew, chew, chew. “They seem very close, although he keeps introducing her as a friend only. I’ve seen them hold hands.” Joonmyun’s warm hands, Chanyeol can still remember his touches. He can’t swallow the food.

“Good for him,” he forces out and Jinri doesn’t say anything else.

*

That night, when Chanyeol is in bed and his eyes are closed, he recalls memories he’s tried to hide in a box with a lock on his heart. He remembers discussing Kim Young Ha, the press of Joonmyun’s thigh against his, remembers the kisses and the hugs, the palm against his back and it all hurts, cuts his heart up and it’s bleeding again.

All the tears he’s held back these two years while trying to live like he’s all right with not talking to Joonmyun, he lets them spill tonight, and he cries quietly, pressing palms against his mouth to stop the choked sobs that echoes too easily in this quiet and cold house. He imagines Joonmyun with another person, maybe Seohyun, and he can’t seem to stop the pain in his chest. His tears are overflowing.

*

One week goes by too fast, and he’s already back at the airport to say goodbye to Jinri and Haneul. He can’t seem to let go of Jinri’s hand and only does so when she really has to check in. He kisses Haneul’s temple and waves at them before he drives home.

Daehyun is reading the book that he got from Chanyeol. “Are you enjoying it?” Chanyeol asks, plopping down next to him on the couch.

“It’s very nice,” Daehyun says. “I’m reaching the end soon.”

“I’ll pick up the second book for you tomorrow,” Chanyeol says.

“You’re very different from dad.” Daehyun’s eyes are still on the book, but he isn’t reading. Chanyeol raises his eyebrows and waits for him to continue. “Dad would never go to the bookstore to buy me a book. He would promise me it, but he would never do it.” Pause. “But you keep all your promises, hyung.”

Chanyeol thinks of Joonmyun’s broken heart in his hands, and he forces a smile as he caresses Daehyun’s hair. “I’m not sure about that,” he says.

*

Two years, and not once has his father mentioned Su Ji. This hits Chanyeol when he’s in the middle of eating dinner with his father, and he can’t seem to swallow down the food anymore.

“How is summer break?” his father asks.

Chanyeol plays with the napkin and lets his food get cold. “Fine.” They continue the rest of the dinner in silence, and Chanyeol trembles a little when he puts the napkin down and breathes in. He lets his gaze fall on the man across from him, and realizes, his father hasn’t changed one bit. Because two years, and a hundred dinners later, Chanyeol still feels empty and the hole is not filled.

There is no warmth in his father’s hands, and Chanyeol has never really liked coldness.

*

It is Fall. Chanyeol doesn’t leave London with regrets. He doesn’t regret the two years he spent here, and he doesn’t regret learning music. Most of all, he doesn’t regret getting to know Daehyun more, and he finds it strange how he came here with the thought of knowing his father more, but ended up finding another person he could put close to his heart.

Daehyun is on the verge of crying, so Chanyeol bends down to hug him. “You should come and visit me,” he says, rubbing Daehyun’s back. “Hyung will call you.”

“Do you promise?”

Chanyeol looks up at Yura who is giving him a warm smile, and then back to Daehyun. He says ‘yes’ because he knows this is a promise he can keep. When he boards the plane, he knows now what he really wants, and he dreams of China when he falls asleep, hoping with all his heart that he isn’t too late.

*

It is Yixing who picks him up from the airport. Baekhyun had said he’ll be busy with meetings, and that he was sorry, so Chanyeol had called Yixing. Now he’s walking straight up to Yixing with a wide smile, and wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.

“You don’t have much baggage,” Yixing points out, laughing, when he pulls away and Chanyeol shrugs.

“I didn’t have much I wanted to take with me home.”

Yixing looks at him. “So you’re staying for good?”

“This is where I belong.” He smiles. “I never thought of staying in London forever.”

“But of course,” Yixing says, and they both grin at each other. “Let’s go, then.”

Chanyeol sleeps on the couch in Yixing’s apartment, and calls his mom the first thing in the morning. They talk for a long while, about many things, and Chanyeol doesn’t forget to tell her he misses her before hanging up.

Yixing is making them breakfast before going to work. He’s making omelet and Chanyeol helps with cooking the rice because even after all these years, he still sucks at cooking. “How have you been?” he asks Yixing, sitting down one of the kitchen chairs.

“I’ve been just fine,” Yixing responds, opening a cabinet to take out two bowls and a plate. “You?” He turns around to look at Chanyeol.

“Honestly?” He laughs. “Not so well.”

“I see.” Yixing goes back to turning the omelet. “Why?”

“Will you laugh at me if I say that it’s because I’m worried to death right now, thinking of Joonmyun and the girl Seohyun?”

Yixing snickers. “No,” he says, cutting the omelet in two and placing each on a plate. He puts it down on the table, and then puts rice in two bowls before sitting down across from Chanyeol. “But I would give you his current number and suggest you to call him.”

*

It rings four times before Joonmyun answers. Chanyeol stops breathing while he waits for Joonmyun’s voice, heart hammering against his chest violently. It’s been two years since he last heard it, and still, he reacts just the same.

“This is Joonmyun,” he says, and only that gets Chanyeol all tied up in knots as he tries to take calming breaths. “Hello?”

“It’s me,” he says, and considers adding his name because perhaps, Joonmyun’s forgotten how he sounds like. “I’m-”

“Chanyeol.” Joonmyun swallows. “You’re Chanyeol.”

There are emotions swelling up in his heart and Chanyeol can’t seem to focus. He wants, he wants a lot of things right now. Joonmyun’s fingers tracing patterns on his back, his arms around Chanyeol’s waist. Chanyeol thinks of late nights staying up with half-open eyes, whispering to each other instead of sleeping.

He is bewildered by the sudden wave of happiness, a familiar feeling he hasn’t felt in a very long while. He concentrates on the way Joonmyun breathes, in and out, and he follows. They don’t talk for almost minutes, but no one ends the call.

“I’m back,” Chanyeol finally tells. “I’m at Yixing’s place.”

“How are you things with you and our father?” Chanyeol laughs, even though he isn’t supposed to, but the question is very Joonmyun. He thinks his heart is about to thump out of his chest.

“Not so well,” he says, honestly. “Hyung, he took me out to eat dinner with him every Friday, only to talk about his work or stay silent.” He thinks of Joonmyun’s smile and he wants to see it right now. “I kept thinking about you.”

Joonmyun chuckles. “This is nice to know.” His voice is quiet, like he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to say, but he means it.

“Do you want to have dinner with me?” The question is rushed and it sort of just slipped out of Chanyeol’s mouth before he could stop it. “If you’re not busy.”

When Joonmyun stays quiet for longer than Chanyeol had expected, hesitation hanging in the air, he starts worrying that he’s too late, but then Joonmyun laughs. It’s soft. “I’m available.”

There is a want in Joonmyun’s voice now, and Chanyeol isn’t sure what kind of want. He hopes, gripping onto the phone, that Joonmyun is thinking about them, about running his hands through Chanyeol’s hair, or putting his palm against Chanyeol’s back. It’s not much, but it is enough.

Chanyeol thinks he feels flowers blooming his chest again.

*

Dinner with just Joonmyun turns into dinner with all their friends instead at the Japanese restaurant and Chanyeol laughs too loudly as Jongin pokes Kris in the stomach and teases him about the fat. He’s sitting next to Joonmyun, and their arms brush against each other. He thinks this is like falling in love again, although he never fell out of it.

This is quivering hearts and hesitating touches, but he finds it all good. Joonmyun is next to him. He hasn’t been that in a long time.

“How is Seohyun noona doing?” Jongin asks, stuffing his mouth full with meat, and Baekhyun slaps him hard on the arm. “What are you doing!” he winces and rubs at the red place.

“Can’t you swallow your food first?” Baekhyun hisses, and Chanyeol’s gaze is on Joonmyun already.

Joonmyun catches him looking, and his cheeks heats up. Chanyeol finds it endearing, and he wishes he could lock their hands under the table. He can’t right now. “Seohyun is doing good,” Joonmyun replies, and Chanyeol thinks it isn’t to Jongin he’s answering the question to. “She’ll be marrying Yonghwa soon.”

“That hyung that we met once?” Zitao asks and Joonmyun nods at him.

Chanyeol licks his lips and doesn’t stop the smile from spreading across his lips. “What are you grinning at by yourself?” Sehun says, frowning. “Creep.”

Jongdae laughs until the chokes on the rice even though it’s not funny and Kris pulls one of those faces again while Kyungsoo rubs Jongdae’s back. It’s all the same. Chanyeol only focuses on the way Joonmyun leans in close when he reaches for the sashimi. Joonmyun smells just like before, like sweet honey and Chanyeol wants to bury his nose in his hair.

He thinks, when Joonmyun smiles up to him just like he used to do, that he’ll have all the time in the world from now on, to do that.

*

Chanyeol’s heart isn’t heavy when he steps into his old University to study medicines again again. Music had been fun to learn, but somehow, Chanyeol had strangely missed those thick books, and he don’t want to let the two years he’s learned it diligently go to waste. He has to do something in life, and after deep thoughts, this is the only thing he’s good at right now.

He can’t sleep at Yixing’s place forever, so he’s looking for a cheap apartment. But first, he has to look for a part time job; another boy named Myungsoo is working at the record store now, and he’d been regretful to know that but it’s still time to move on.

“How about a library?” Minseok suggests, when they’re on the phone, and Chanyeol wonders. “I think the library Joonmyun used to work at is hiring now.”

Chanyeol considers this after ending the conversation and thinks it wouldn’t be so bad. Kris is still working there, he thinks. Chanyeol puts a note in his head to ask him about it later.

*

It is a little strange, to ask Joonmyun out for dates and not be able to press himself up close to Joonmyun or hold his hand even when no one sees, but Chanyeol tries. They never went out on many dates before, so Chanyeol makes up for it this time. He finds it amusing how Joonmyun still blushes when Chanyeol compliments him, and he finds it very nice, how Joonmyun still looks at him that way.

Joonmyun graduated University last year, and is teaching in the local school near his home. He’s teaching in Korean Literature, of course, and always talks about his students with bright eyes when they’re eating dinner together. Chanyeol is almost sure that Joonmyun is a very loved teacher.

They still discuss books, and sometimes Chanyeol tells Joonmyun about Daehyun and London. Joonmyun still puts his palm against Chanyeol’s back all the time, and really, nothing has changed. They’re a little bit older, but Chanyeol feels twenty again when he stumbles and Joonmyun is there to catch him.

Chanyeol’s taking slow steps this time, but they’re more steady and he’s walking straight to Joonmyun.

*

“Hyung!” Daehyun shouts in the phone as soon as he picks up and Chanyeol makes a grimace. “Hyung, you forgot to call me last week.”

Chanyeol laughs. “I’m sorry, I was very busy.”

“It’s okay.” Then, like always, Daehyun starts talking about new books that he’s read and Chanyeol listens wholeheartedly. Their conversations are sometimes simple, sometimes playful and Chanyeol always looks forward it. Daehyun is so young, and Chanyeol hopes he’ll stay this positive even when he grows up. If not, Chanyeol will be there to catch him, no matter what.

*

Jinri comes up to Seoul with Haneul and Chanyeol’s mom over the weekend, and they spend time together although Chanyeol has to study for a big exam coming up. Chanyeol marvels at Haneul and juts out his lower lip in a pout when she always wants to be in Joonmyun’s arms instead. Jinri makes faces at him, and reminds him he’s almost twenty-five now, stop pouting, but Chanyeol only sticks out his tongue at her.

Since he doesn’t have an apartment yet, they all spend time at Joonmyun’s apartment, and this place has pieces of them scattered all over the place. He sits on the couch, and remembers Joonmyun’s lips, their legs tangling with each other and the heat from Joonmyun’s chest pressed against his.

His mom makes them dinner and they have a simple conversation together, all four. Joonmyun leaves his bedroom for them to sleep in, and takes out sheets and pillows for him and Chanyeol.

“You can sleep on the couch,” Joonmyun says, struggling with a mattress and Chanyeol is there immediately, hovering over Joonmyun and helping him with it. They are close. “Or do you prefer to sleep on the floor?”

Chanyeol puts down the mattress and shrugs. “You’re going to be cold if you sleep here,” he says, taking a pillow and sheets for him. “I’ll sleep down here.”

Joonmyun stares into his eyes and grins. “You know me really well.” Chanyeol laughs, and then they go to sleep. But he lies awake for a little longer, listening to the way Joonmyun breathes steadily and thinks, perhaps, he’s forgiven for grasping onto Joonmyun’s heart so tightly and not letting go over these two years.

He falls asleep thinking that maybe Joonmyun never let go of his, either.

*

“Do you still remember the quote that you once said reminded you of me?” Chanyeol asks. They’re sitting on the floor of his new apartment. It’s still messy, and he has to unpack, but he’s finally reaching out for Joonmyun’s hand and Joonmyun’s finally as close as Chanyeol wants.

“I do,” Joonmyun replies, smiling. His eyes still shine. He lets himself rest his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. “But I don’t think it reminds me of you anymore.” He rubs his thumb against Chanyeol’s palm, and it makes Chanyeol feel funny inside. “Because you’re not afraid.”

“No, I’m not,” he says. He tugs Joonmyun closer and presses their foreheads together. It’s still Winter outside, but it feels like summer right now, with Joonmyun in front of him like this, and his chest heats up. “I’m going to ask you something.”

Joonmyun hums, and Chanyeol closes his eyes. He inhales. “You should consider really carefully,” he says, a tiny smile on his lips. Exhales. “This might be a question about forever.”

“Go on,” Joonmyun says, and he locks their fingers now. Pulls Chanyeol closer. “I’m listening.”

Chanyeol opens his eyes. “China,” he says and his voice is barely a whisper, and this is when Joonmyun has one hand in Chanyeol’s hair, running his fingers through it, and another on Chanyeol’s neck, pulling him down to kiss him, deep and slow. Chanyeol has all sort of butterflies in his stomach, hands settling on Joonmyun’s hips as he remembers to tilt his head. His heart trembles, and he dares to reach out and grab onto this happiness.

“What about China?” Joonmyun asks, lips still on Chanyeol’s and they both have to catch air but Chanyeol only captures Joonmyun’s lower lip again between his own.

He takes Joonmyun’s hands and laces their fingers together, holds still for a second, listening to their ragged breaths and hearts that are racing around the whole world now, and he finally says: “Take me there.”

“Are you sure?” Joonmyun is staring right into Chanyeol’s eyes, and he sees a glint of hope in there. He’s having his palms on Chanyeol’s chest, and Chanyeol knows he can feel the way his heart thumps loudly.

"Yes.” Chanyeol tugs him so close that there’s no space between them anymore and when he breathes, he inhales Joonmyun and this is everything he’s ever wanted ever since the first time they met and Joonmyun had smiled up to him, eyes crunching up into half-moons. “I love you.”

“Me too,” Joonmyun replies, hands fisting Chanyeol’s shirt and Chanyeol thinks he’s so beautiful, when he tries to hide his tears by pressing his face against Chanyeol’s chest. “For so long. I’ve only...”

Chanyeol wraps his arms around Joonmyun’s body and crushes them both together. “How long does happiness last?” he asks, mouth against Joonmyun’s hair and he closes his eyes.

“For as long as you-” Joonmyun pauses, “-we don’t let go of it.”

“Then we won’t,” Chanyeol says, and he’s never been so sure in his life. “We won’t let go of it again, and I will stay in China for as long as you let me.”

Joonmyun kisses a forever against his lips and Chanyeol blooms beautifully.

*

Winter quickly turns into Spring, and there's an invitation to Baekhyun and Taeyeon's wedding in the middle of April. Joonmyun makes them both wear those suits again, and Chanyeol doesn't complain as much this time because it's still spring and the breezes are refreshing. He's not sweating in it, either.

"Baekhyun looks tortured," Jongin says, snickering when he comes out of the dressing room and Chanyeol laughs. He can imagine. "No eyeliner, and a white suit that he absolutely hates."

Joonmyun wraps a hand around Chanyeol's arm and smiles. "Taeyeon looks wonderful, though."

Chanyeol nods in agreement and they both walk over to their table and sits down. Jongdae is on the phone with Kyungsoo, who says he's stuck in traffic and will be late while Kris is fixing his hair for the fifth time.

"You look good, stop already" Zitao assures, rolling his eyes. "Where is Sehun?"

"Oh, he's with Jongin," Joonmyun replies. "They're probably making Baekhyun rip his hair off right now."

Chanyeol laughs, and he reaches out for Joonmyun's hand. He intertwines their fingers on his lap before leaning down to say, "When will we ever have our wedding?"

Joonmyun is flustered at Chanyeol’s sudden question. "We can't," he says, but his eyes are dreamy as he looks around the place.

"We can," Chanyeol says, putting their locked hands up on the table for everyone to see. Except for Jongdae’s raise of eyebrows, no one else seems to care. "We can make it simple. You, me, and friends. Or just us two."

There is a nice feeling in Chanyeol's chest, spreading throughout his whole body when Joonmyun leans his head against Chanyeol's shoulder and he takes this as a yes.

Here, next to Joonmyun, will be the closest to real happiness Chanyeol will ever reach.

Author’s Note: So, if you’ve reached the end, I want to thank you so much for reading! I also want to thank my recipient for the wonderful prompts, and I hope that you enjoyed reading this. I have no idea how the word count became like this, honestly, but I had a lot of fun writing it despite the stress. Heh. Many thanks to JIQ for all the lovely reminders on twitter, for beta-ing this, wiping my tears and also pulling an all nighter with me in order to finish this. Without you, I would have given up! Last, but not least, I will give my heart to tlist for holding my hand and believing in me! I love you!