Fudge Ripple, Root Beer Float and Chopped Nuts
Story: Timeless { backstory | index }
Title: Timeless: the Musical
Rating: G/PG (some adult themes)
Challenge: Fudge Ripple #20: denial
Toppings/Extras: root beer float, chopped nuts
Wordcount: 678
Summary: Ashdown comes out to his wife-in the style of a West End musical.
Notes: Total crack. There is no justification for this.
TIMELESS: THE MUSICAL
(Curtains rise.)
(The setting is on board the good ship Kraken in the midst of a sea battle. PIRATES run about fighting and shouting. They all race offstage. Enter ASHDOWN and PIA.)
ASHDOWN
I am never riding in a helicopper again...
PIA
We have to get back somehow. Also, it’s helicopter.
(ASHDOWN groans.)
Anyway, go find your wife. Good luck, big boy!
(PIA exits.)
ASHDOWN
Good luck! Hah!
(begins to sing.)
All of these feelings-how can they be?
I always strove for normality,
What will my father think of me-
He has strong opinions on... homosexuality!
(Enter dancing PIRATES.)
ASHDOWN
I don’t know why it took me so long,
Everything is going wrong
That’s right-everything is going wrong
Everything,
PIRATES
Everything!
ASHDOWN
Everything,
PIRATES
Everything!
ASHDOWN
Yes, everything is going wrong.
(VERITY is suddenly chased towards him by PIRATES.)
VERITY
(spoken)
My dear!
ASHDOWN
Oh dear...
VERITY
(sings)
You have come to rescue me!
I always knew you would, honey!
ASHDOWN
Yes I’m here to take you away,
But I have something else to say...
VERITY
(spoken)
Well, what is it?
ASHDOWN
(sings)
Recently I’ve been feeling strange,
VERITY
You have yellow fever, or the mange?
ASHDOWN
No, my sweet, it’s something other,
VERITY
Low self-esteem ‘cause of your mother?
ASHDOWN
I do not have low self-esteem!
But all is not quite as it seems
Oh, I’m afraid to tell you-
The shock of it might well kill you!
I’ve worked so hard and for so long,
Now everything will all be gone
It’s true, everything will be gone
Everything,
PIRATES
Everything!
ASHDOWN
Everything,
PIRATES
Everything!
ASHDOWN
Yes, everything I’ve worked for will be gone.
VERITY
(spoken)
What are you talking about?
(sings)
You better tell me now ‘cause I really am perplexed!
(There is a drum-roll: all of the PIRATES gather in a semicircle behind them.)
(Spotlight focuses on ASHDOWN.)
ASHDOWN
I am attracted to members of the same sex!
(Music tempo quickens. PIRATES dance energetically with ASHDOWN.)
I wish I could tell you a better way,
I’ll tell you what the modern folk say,
According to them I am gay:
I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay!
PIRATES
He’s gay! He’s gay! He’s gay! He’s gay!
VERITY
This dancing really is obscene,
Does ‘gay’ mean what I think it means?
ASHDOWN
I am attracted to men!
VERITY
What, contextually?
ASHDOWN
Yes, and sexually!
VERITY
Is this folly; is this farce?
PIRATE 1
He likes to take it up the-
VERITY
(shouts)
I get it!
(sings)
I’m finding this news hard to hear,
Eddie-are you being sincere?
(Music slows down; violins begin.)
ASHDOWN
Dear wife, if you now hate me
I will understand completely
We come from a time with no charity
For people who are like me...
(PIRATES begin to cry.)
I wanted to tell you what’s true
If anyone deserves that, it’s you.
Everything has been ruined,
That’s right-everything has been ruined;
My marriage, my career, my standing-ruined!
Everything,
PIRATES
(still weeping)
Everything,
ASHDOWN
Everything,
PIRATES
Everything,
ASHDOWN
Yes, everything has been ruined.
(ASHDOWN sits on a crate with his head in his hands.)
(VERITY walks up to him.)
VERITY
(spoken)
Edward...
(sings)
My dear, I love you more than words
Who cares if you like guys or birds?
Husband, this is no surprise
It always was clear to my eyes.
(spoken, aside)
Seriously. This explains a lot.
ASHDOWN
(sings)
Can it be?
You care this much for me?
VERITY
I’ll stand by you right ‘til the end,
Instead of a lover I’ll be your friend,
We can go out looking for men!
ASHDOWN
Hope we don’t sleep with the same man again!
VERITY
(spoken)
What?
ASHDOWN
Nothing!
(sings)
Is this really true?
Is this alright with you?
VERITY
It doesn’t matter that you’re gay,
Everything will be OK,
I’ll be here each step of the way...
Yes, everything-
PIRATES
Everything!
VERITY
Everything-
PIRATES
Everything!
VERITY and ASHDOWN
(in harmony)
Everything-
Will be-
Oka-a-a-a-y!
(PIRATES all cheer and throw hats into the air.)
(Curtains fall.)