H.M.S. Harmony - Of Ship Names and VOMIT
Warning: Long shipping and fandom-related rant ahead-because I’m such a slave to canon. Beware. I vent and poke fun at OBHWF quite mercilessly, so if you don’t want to hear me raging about the ridiculousness of Pumpkin Pie and OBHWF, please turn away.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :P
Many years ago, at the dawn of my time in HP fandom, I used to tolerate the ship name "H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie" and its corresponding crew called "Pumpkinites" (or other variations thereof). I was but a newbie lurker, starved for H/Hr in an online HP mess saturated by rabid OBHWFers, so I pretty much took whatever H/Hr I could get. However, I never accepted the name of Pumpkin Pie in any official capacity, as it made me distinctly uncomfortable.
Where in canon, I wondered, did Harry and Hermione share a piece of this famed pie?
And the answer came: never.
That repulsed me. Given the pages upon pages of canon evidence that the H/Hr relationship boasts, especially in comparison to the meager, VOMIT-like scraps of OBHWF, I could make up better ship names that properly represent H/Hr and their proponents, ship names that would have people regarding H/Hr as something formidable, something canon, just at first glance.
H.M.S. Aurors, for example, would have been completely appropriate and completely canon, because Moody tells Harry and Hermione that they’ve got the potential to be part of the elite, the aurors-and no one else. H.M.S. Heroes would have worked just as well, because Harry and Hermione are the hero and heroine of the series, no matter what absurd Sidekick!Hermione, Heroine!Ginny, or hopelessly delusional In-the-Last-Two-Books-She'll-Suddenly-Be-the-Heroine!Ginny theories OBHWFers try to shove down unsuspecting bystanders' throats.
With these thoughts swirling in my mind, I was further disconcerted to learn that Pumpkin Pie was based on a piece of fanfiction, which makes the ship name purely fanon! The nagging voice in the back of my head (if you must know, it doesn't sound like Hermione's) grew more insistent as the years passed, yet I always kept quiet about it and tolerated it for the sake of peace.
But now?
After so long, and this close to HBP and the probable confirmation of H/Hr?
I just have to say it. I cannot stand that ridiculous ship name. I apologize if I offend anyone who's somehow attached to the misnomer H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie, but this is just the way I feel. For every instance that I see that name, I feel like grabbing a black permanent marker, furiously crossing the name out, and writing "H.M.S. Harmony" and "Harmonians" in their proper places. If I could, I would start a fandom-wide revolution to have everyone officially refer to the H/Hr ship as the H.M.S. Harmony and its crew as Harmonians, instead of the sadly misguided, grossly malformed, and honestly inappropriate H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie.
I feel very strongly about this for several reasons, which have already been stated here by Mad Eyed Mike. He originally came up with H.M.S. Harmony for the debates at Cosforums, and I cannot help but wholeheartedly agree and feel glad that I was not the only one so disturbed. Since the link I provide goes to A Mad World, now a read-only forum accessible only to its members, I feel that I should clarify my views on the erroneous (but not quite Heroneous, as that’s reserved for OBHWF) Pumpkin Pie.
Cringeworthy Error #1
Pumpkin Pie is NOT canon. Simple as that.
This is its biggest offense. After all, what kind of canon ship names itself after a random piece of fanfiction, no matter how wonderful or fluffy or beautifully written the story may be? How does it expect to be considered a serious canon contender if its ship name, something that should represent what the ship stands for, is based on something obscure that a fan wrote on a whim years ago?
Cringeworthy Error #2
Pumpkin Pie has no depth.
Okay, it was based on a scene in a fanfic. So? What about the trust, the respect, the loyalty, the understanding, the powerful and unrivaled friendship on which the actual relationship is founded?
Cringeworthy Error #3
Pumpkin Pie misrepresents H/Hr shippers.
It implies that we have so little evidence that we have to turn to fanfic just to have a ship name, when the truth is the exact opposite. We’re not running scared into fanfiction because we lack canon or because we lack the ability to debate. Far from it. Just look around online and compare the massive numbers of logical, canon-supported Harmonian essays posted on pro-H/Hr websites-the only places that allows them in great numbers-to the illogical mess cobbled together for OBHWF, broadcast widely on major, supposedly unbiased HP websites. Then compare the quality of Harmonian arguments and Harmonian canon to the borderline schizophrenic, illogical, and bend-over-backwards-and-lie-to-yourself-to-get-it evidence that OBHWFers like to present.
Harmony vs. OBHWF.
Canon vs. ambiguous, easily re-interpreted JKR quotes.
Reading between the lines vs. surface tension.
Logic vs. wishful thinking.
Consistent symbolism vs. selective imagery.
Objective analysis vs. Weasley-oriented, anti-Hermione diatribes.
Strong, gradual character development vs. haphazard and stunted character appearances.
Five whole books of adventures vs. a handful of twisted, blown-out-of-proportion scenes.
You do the math.
H/Hr shippers have loads of canon, and we deserve a name that gives an inkling of the sort of evidence we possess.
H.M.S. Harmony is perfect in that sense, as it says everything we need to know about this ship. Harry and Hermione work in harmony unlike any other pair in the series, displaying mutual respect, trust, understanding, loyalty, equality, and the strongest relationship-romantic or otherwise-in the entire series. During the few, serious arguments Harry and Hermione have had, they compromise. When their beliefs clash, they show respect. In the most desperate times, their priorities are always each other. When they work together, they accomplish astonishing, heroic feats. This is canon. This is harmonious.
This is right.
You will never see me referring to this ship, my OTP, as anything but H.M.S. Harmony. I will always call myself and my shipmates Harmonians.
The only thing that placates me about this mess of names?
The fact that Hr/R has even crappier ones: the Good Ship and H.M.S. Heron. :D
First, the originality of the Good Ship speaks for itself. I mean, who are they kidding? The Bickering/Disrespectful/Insulting/Illogical/Abusive/Incompatible Ship obviously fits the Hr/R relationship so much better than “good”, which is vague and applicable to any couple. Except maybe Voldemort/Buckbeak or anything involving Hagrid. Furthermore, the Bible describes herons as unclean birds. That little Heron gem generates a ton of mirth at the Harmony forums, and I take much comfort in that.
More appropriate and actually canon ship names for Heron?
- H.M.S. Annoying Bickering
- H.M.S. Insensitive Wart
- H.M.S. Emotional Range of a Teaspoon
- H.M.S. Rude and Insufferable
- H.M.S. One-Sided and Sibling-Like
- H.M.S. S.P.E.W. and Spew
- H.M.S. Heroine and Sidekick
- H.M.S. Obvious Prefect and Second Choice
- H.M.S. Bellowing at Each Other on Opposite Sides of the Room
- H.M.S. Off Page Only
- H.M.S. Unusual Perfume
- H.M.S. Dwelling on a Good Luck Distraction Kiss
- H.M.S. Lack of Maturity, Lack of Equality, Lack of Understanding, Lack of Compromise, Lack of Trust, and Lack of Respect
- H.M.S. Red Herring
It’s actually loads of fun coming up with these ship names, especially when you’ve got actual scenes to back them up. :P
The non-existent H/G ship is equally amusing, as it used to be called Orange Crush and is now Chocolate, based on the one remotely significant scene H/G shippers get in canon where Harry is not ignoring or snapping at Ginny. Of course, I have a few suggestions for more descriptive and canon ship names for H/G as well:
- H.M.S. Ginny Who?
- H.M.S. Never You Mind
- H.M.S. Possessed
- H.M.S. Wishful Thinking
- H.M.S. She Gave Up On Him
- H.M.S. Is That Why She Talks Now?
- H.M.S. Quidditch Teammates
- H.M.S. Could’ve Caught the Snitch Faster If Harry Were Playing
- H.M.S. Fangirl Worship = True Love
- H.M.S. Elbow the Butter Dish
- H.M.S. Unconscious in the Chamber of Secrets
- H.M.S. Ungrateful Best Friend’s Little Sister
- H.M.S. Ginny Sue Saves the Day
- H.M.S. Double Standards
Double Standards applies, of course, to the fact that H/Gers are actually arguing the same points as Harmonians. They want Ginny to play a bigger role in Harry’s life, become the heroine, be the one Harry turns to in times of crisis, grow into the most important female in Harry’s life, etc., etc. They want a friends-turned-lovers relationship, but guess what?
H/Hr is already there.
Unlike the OBHWF ships, the H/Hr relationship has much more canon in its extensive arsenal than vaguely illogical wishes and a few slices of fanon pumpkin pie. This is why I refuse to call my ship by anything but its true name: H.M.S. Harmony.
And we're setting sail July 16, 2005, worldwide.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. :P
Many years ago, at the dawn of my time in HP fandom, I used to tolerate the ship name "H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie" and its corresponding crew called "Pumpkinites" (or other variations thereof). I was but a newbie lurker, starved for H/Hr in an online HP mess saturated by rabid OBHWFers, so I pretty much took whatever H/Hr I could get. However, I never accepted the name of Pumpkin Pie in any official capacity, as it made me distinctly uncomfortable.
Where in canon, I wondered, did Harry and Hermione share a piece of this famed pie?
And the answer came: never.
That repulsed me. Given the pages upon pages of canon evidence that the H/Hr relationship boasts, especially in comparison to the meager, VOMIT-like scraps of OBHWF, I could make up better ship names that properly represent H/Hr and their proponents, ship names that would have people regarding H/Hr as something formidable, something canon, just at first glance.
H.M.S. Aurors, for example, would have been completely appropriate and completely canon, because Moody tells Harry and Hermione that they’ve got the potential to be part of the elite, the aurors-and no one else. H.M.S. Heroes would have worked just as well, because Harry and Hermione are the hero and heroine of the series, no matter what absurd Sidekick!Hermione, Heroine!Ginny, or hopelessly delusional In-the-Last-Two-Books-She'll-Suddenly-Be-the-Heroine!Ginny theories OBHWFers try to shove down unsuspecting bystanders' throats.
With these thoughts swirling in my mind, I was further disconcerted to learn that Pumpkin Pie was based on a piece of fanfiction, which makes the ship name purely fanon! The nagging voice in the back of my head (if you must know, it doesn't sound like Hermione's) grew more insistent as the years passed, yet I always kept quiet about it and tolerated it for the sake of peace.
But now?
After so long, and this close to HBP and the probable confirmation of H/Hr?
I just have to say it. I cannot stand that ridiculous ship name. I apologize if I offend anyone who's somehow attached to the misnomer H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie, but this is just the way I feel. For every instance that I see that name, I feel like grabbing a black permanent marker, furiously crossing the name out, and writing "H.M.S. Harmony" and "Harmonians" in their proper places. If I could, I would start a fandom-wide revolution to have everyone officially refer to the H/Hr ship as the H.M.S. Harmony and its crew as Harmonians, instead of the sadly misguided, grossly malformed, and honestly inappropriate H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie.
I feel very strongly about this for several reasons, which have already been stated here by Mad Eyed Mike. He originally came up with H.M.S. Harmony for the debates at Cosforums, and I cannot help but wholeheartedly agree and feel glad that I was not the only one so disturbed. Since the link I provide goes to A Mad World, now a read-only forum accessible only to its members, I feel that I should clarify my views on the erroneous (but not quite Heroneous, as that’s reserved for OBHWF) Pumpkin Pie.
Cringeworthy Error #1
Pumpkin Pie is NOT canon. Simple as that.
This is its biggest offense. After all, what kind of canon ship names itself after a random piece of fanfiction, no matter how wonderful or fluffy or beautifully written the story may be? How does it expect to be considered a serious canon contender if its ship name, something that should represent what the ship stands for, is based on something obscure that a fan wrote on a whim years ago?
Cringeworthy Error #2
Pumpkin Pie has no depth.
Okay, it was based on a scene in a fanfic. So? What about the trust, the respect, the loyalty, the understanding, the powerful and unrivaled friendship on which the actual relationship is founded?
Cringeworthy Error #3
Pumpkin Pie misrepresents H/Hr shippers.
It implies that we have so little evidence that we have to turn to fanfic just to have a ship name, when the truth is the exact opposite. We’re not running scared into fanfiction because we lack canon or because we lack the ability to debate. Far from it. Just look around online and compare the massive numbers of logical, canon-supported Harmonian essays posted on pro-H/Hr websites-the only places that allows them in great numbers-to the illogical mess cobbled together for OBHWF, broadcast widely on major, supposedly unbiased HP websites. Then compare the quality of Harmonian arguments and Harmonian canon to the borderline schizophrenic, illogical, and bend-over-backwards-and-lie-to-yourself-to-get-it evidence that OBHWFers like to present.
Harmony vs. OBHWF.
Canon vs. ambiguous, easily re-interpreted JKR quotes.
Reading between the lines vs. surface tension.
Logic vs. wishful thinking.
Consistent symbolism vs. selective imagery.
Objective analysis vs. Weasley-oriented, anti-Hermione diatribes.
Strong, gradual character development vs. haphazard and stunted character appearances.
Five whole books of adventures vs. a handful of twisted, blown-out-of-proportion scenes.
You do the math.
H/Hr shippers have loads of canon, and we deserve a name that gives an inkling of the sort of evidence we possess.
H.M.S. Harmony is perfect in that sense, as it says everything we need to know about this ship. Harry and Hermione work in harmony unlike any other pair in the series, displaying mutual respect, trust, understanding, loyalty, equality, and the strongest relationship-romantic or otherwise-in the entire series. During the few, serious arguments Harry and Hermione have had, they compromise. When their beliefs clash, they show respect. In the most desperate times, their priorities are always each other. When they work together, they accomplish astonishing, heroic feats. This is canon. This is harmonious.
This is right.
You will never see me referring to this ship, my OTP, as anything but H.M.S. Harmony. I will always call myself and my shipmates Harmonians.
The only thing that placates me about this mess of names?
The fact that Hr/R has even crappier ones: the Good Ship and H.M.S. Heron. :D
First, the originality of the Good Ship speaks for itself. I mean, who are they kidding? The Bickering/Disrespectful/Insulting/Illogical/Abusive/Incompatible Ship obviously fits the Hr/R relationship so much better than “good”, which is vague and applicable to any couple. Except maybe Voldemort/Buckbeak or anything involving Hagrid. Furthermore, the Bible describes herons as unclean birds. That little Heron gem generates a ton of mirth at the Harmony forums, and I take much comfort in that.
More appropriate and actually canon ship names for Heron?
- H.M.S. Annoying Bickering
- H.M.S. Insensitive Wart
- H.M.S. Emotional Range of a Teaspoon
- H.M.S. Rude and Insufferable
- H.M.S. One-Sided and Sibling-Like
- H.M.S. S.P.E.W. and Spew
- H.M.S. Heroine and Sidekick
- H.M.S. Obvious Prefect and Second Choice
- H.M.S. Bellowing at Each Other on Opposite Sides of the Room
- H.M.S. Off Page Only
- H.M.S. Unusual Perfume
- H.M.S. Dwelling on a Good Luck Distraction Kiss
- H.M.S. Lack of Maturity, Lack of Equality, Lack of Understanding, Lack of Compromise, Lack of Trust, and Lack of Respect
- H.M.S. Red Herring
It’s actually loads of fun coming up with these ship names, especially when you’ve got actual scenes to back them up. :P
The non-existent H/G ship is equally amusing, as it used to be called Orange Crush and is now Chocolate, based on the one remotely significant scene H/G shippers get in canon where Harry is not ignoring or snapping at Ginny. Of course, I have a few suggestions for more descriptive and canon ship names for H/G as well:
- H.M.S. Ginny Who?
- H.M.S. Never You Mind
- H.M.S. Possessed
- H.M.S. Wishful Thinking
- H.M.S. She Gave Up On Him
- H.M.S. Is That Why She Talks Now?
- H.M.S. Quidditch Teammates
- H.M.S. Could’ve Caught the Snitch Faster If Harry Were Playing
- H.M.S. Fangirl Worship = True Love
- H.M.S. Elbow the Butter Dish
- H.M.S. Unconscious in the Chamber of Secrets
- H.M.S. Ungrateful Best Friend’s Little Sister
- H.M.S. Ginny Sue Saves the Day
- H.M.S. Double Standards
Double Standards applies, of course, to the fact that H/Gers are actually arguing the same points as Harmonians. They want Ginny to play a bigger role in Harry’s life, become the heroine, be the one Harry turns to in times of crisis, grow into the most important female in Harry’s life, etc., etc. They want a friends-turned-lovers relationship, but guess what?
H/Hr is already there.
Unlike the OBHWF ships, the H/Hr relationship has much more canon in its extensive arsenal than vaguely illogical wishes and a few slices of fanon pumpkin pie. This is why I refuse to call my ship by anything but its true name: H.M.S. Harmony.
And we're setting sail July 16, 2005, worldwide.