(no subject)
004. last time.
dongwoo/hoya, pg-13. for the infinite 100 fic challenge. incomplete.
If this is an exercise in self-control, Howon is failing. Dismally.
On the surface, everything looks fine. His movements are slick, smooth, sneakers making barely perceptible squeaks as they slide across the floor of the practice room. Every angle of every limb is precisely positioned, and even his breaths come out in the rhythm of the loud dance track. Inhale. Exhale.
None of that is the problem - his dancing is like it always has been, the stuff that made his instructors grin and pat him rewardingly on the shoulder back when he was just a trainee. No, the problem is his gaze, and where it wanders; or to be exact, who it wanders to. There are six other boys in Infinite moving in perfect synchronization with him, but Howon knows that his weakness lies in only ever having really looked at one.
And just like this, there is only one person whose shoulder he catches after they've finished practicing, and everybody is ready to go home. One person whose wrist he winds his fingers around and tugs gently into a quiet corner.
"Someone's gonna see us," Dongwoo whispers at him, but Howon shushes him quickly.
"It's just five minutes."
"Okay, five minutes," Dongwoo agrees, without much resistance.
Howon allows himself the barest smile before Dongwoo leans in, all sweat-soaked hair and hot puffs of breath.
"This is the last time," Howon tells Dongwoo afterwards, knowing full well that he says it every time. They're walking towards the car, an appropriate distance apart, faces turned down slightly in case anybody picks up that their lips might be slightly swollen.
Dongwoo nods with that enthusiastic puppy-eyed look of his, and sometimes Howon has to wonder if he really even understands, or if he thinks that this is all just a big joke.
"How many times have I told you, I'm happy for you, hyung. You don't need to hide it from me!"
Sungjong's expression is petulant and he's pouting in that way that makes him look more like a girl than ever. Howon doesn't tell him this, in case Sungjong is secretly a cutthroat ninja. It's not likely, given that he's the dongsaeng Howon knows the best, but it's definitely better to be safe than sorry.
"There's nothing to hide," he tells Sungjong, looking unfazed as he continues to scroll through his iPod. "It's not even important, it doesn't mean anything."
"Right." Sungjong doesn't sound convinced, hands now on his hips. "So it's not important that you keep sneaking off with Dongwoo-hyung after dance practice, after our schedules, oh sometimes in the middle of the night…"
"Okay, stop," Howon puts his hands up in surrender. "How come the way you say that makes it sound so bad?"
"Because I'm telling the truth," comes the sweet reply.
Howon laughs and aims a pillow at Sungjong's head.
"Fuck, it really is that bad."
Dongwoo looks up questioningly from where he's been tracing random things onto Howon's bare stomach with a fingertip. Howon gave up trying to keep track somewhere between the butterfly and what felt like perhaps a very liberal interpretation of Sunggyu's face. He isn't sure he wants to know anyway.
"This, I mean," Howon waves a hand around for clarification. "Us."
"What about us?"
"I've been keeping a tally."
Dongwoo looks a little bit endearing when his eyes widen with incredulousness, but Howon studiously ignores it. He also chooses to ignore the obnoxious snorts of laughter suddenly coming from somewhere around the vicinity of his torso. That's really not attractive at all.
"So? What'd you figure out?" Dongwoo presses on.
"That we really need girlfriends," Howon says, more as a joke than anything else, but also with the uncomfortable feeling that there's some hint of truth underneath those words.
When Dongwoo goes uncharacteristically silent, he looks over. Did that overstep the mark? No, he reminds himself, there was no mark in the first place. Dongwoo and he, they're not -- they're just -- alright, so there's no avoiding what it is. But that doesn't mean he can't try. As addicted as he feels to the time they spend alone together, what always follows afterwards is the heavy burden of guilt and a sense of wrongness that settles into his stomach like a rock. He's torn between the rush which comes with Dongwoo, and the world out there that says they can't do this.
Howon's fingers find their way into Dongwoo's hair, resting there as though any further movement would be too precarious to attempt. As though Dongwoo might shy away from him. Ironic that if anything, it's the other way around.
He's suddenly afraid of the silence that has settled.
"How long," Dongwoo's voice sounds smaller than it should, "Do you think we can keep going like this?"
Howon tries not to let his expression stiffen too much, but suddenly the words he has been holding back just roll off his tongue unbidden. "We can't," he says. "We can't."
"But I want to."
At moments like this he forgets who the older one is.
"We can't," he repeats. "One day, if it's tomorrow or in a month or a year, it would have to end anyway."
"But for now--"
"Hey, I've been thinking something lately. Maybe it's better if we just stop. Don't you think?"
Howon knows he's selfish, so selfish. There's the familiar feeling of wanting to protect himself for the eventual fallout, but he also doesn't want to hurt Dongwoo. It's giving him whiplash. He needs an escape. Howon isn't sure if Dongwoo sees and realises this, or if some internal conflict of massive proportions is going on in the other boy's head too, but all of a sudden those fingers on his stomach grow more confident and roam further downwards. A shudder runs up his spine, and he gives in.
"This is the last time," he says, déjà vu striking, when Dongwoo is later curled up beside him and drifting off to sleep.
"Okay," Dongwoo replies, bumping his nose gently against Howon's collarbone.
Howon can't bring himself to pull away just yet.
Somehow, things change after that, with a speed that makes it all seem painfully easy. Dongwoo hovers around Howon less, the conversation from that night filling the gap between them, and Howon learns to get into the car after schedules first instead of last. They still sit together at meals but they no longer really seem together: the other members can sense that something has invariably changed, perhaps broken. Sunggyu, ever the leader, tries to ask Howon about it - but he has always been good at saying few words when he wants, and the conversation tides over quickly. He'd rather not talk about it, after all.
Howon discovers that the problem with speaking little is having to live inside his own head more. He had anticipated that thoughts of Dongwoo would be impossible to avoid, but as with most complicated matters the actual experience is nothing like he could have imagined. Sometimes he watches Dongwoo in the practice room and wonders if they are feeling the same sense of displacement, an inkling that something has become unaligned. Other times he catches Dongwoo's eye across the table or in the car, and wants to ask him if that familiar easy grin is hiding resentment that he can't see.
Howon never gets answers, but then again, he couldn't have possibly expected them.
Almost two months down the track, the distance between himself and Dongwoo is something he still thinks too much about but has grown to accept, like a guilty habit he has lived with for too long. Things are easier but not happier, and when Howon speaks to Dongwoo now each conversation seems more natural than the last. Howon thinks that maybe he could continue like this, thinks that he has reached an appropriate balance between missing Dongwoo and staying clear of anything that remotely resembles attraction to him.
He thinks this, at least, until Dongwoo calls all the members to a meeting after they get back from a schedule. It's half past two in the morning and everyone is tired and exhausted, but curious. Dongwoo never does things like this, despite being second oldest. Half of them are piled on the couch, and the rest are cross-legged on the floor, including Howon. Dongwoo is the only one standing. He looks nervous.
Suddenly Howon feels nervous too.
"I'm not going to keep this from you guys," Dongwoo starts off, "Because even if I try to lie you're gonna know in five seconds flat and then you'll all kill me for thinking I could get away with it."
Woohyun, beside Howon, snorts a little in obvious agreement, and gets Sunggyu's foot in his ribs for it. There's a mumbled okay, sorry, and then everyone's attention is on Dongwoo again.
"So what I wanted to say is…"
Howon knows this is going to be bad.
"… I'm seeing someone now."
Everything erupts at once. Sunggyu looks like he's about to go into hysterics ("The hyungs are going to find out, and then they're going to torture me for information, and then I'll have to tell the truth, and then Dongwoo is going to hate me forever and management are going to kick me out for being a horrible, irresponsible leader--") and Woohyun is patting his knee telling him to breathe before he passes out. Myungsoo appears handsomely ruffled about everything ("How come he can find time for a girl and the rest of us can't?") and Sungyeol is lost yet loud ("Who? What? When did this happen? What the hell is going on?"). Worst of all, Sungjong shoots A Look in Howon's direction, which he breaks eye contact with and pretends that his heart has not obviously just dropped out of his chest. He doesn't think he's doing a good job.
Afterwards when the members have all settled down, Howon offers his support to Dongwoo along with everyone else. It's what he should do, he thinks. Dongwoo is happy and smiling now that his moment of nervousness is over, and Howon draws him into a one-armed hug.
"I'm happy for you," he says.
In theory, this solves all the problems between them. Ironically, Howon has never felt worse.
Howon gets no sleep at all that night, and the way he stumbles spectacularly through all his activities the next day makes him feel like something out of a movie. It's as though he's gotten to the part of the script where the character realises that they've made a huge mistake and that they should have just taken the risk for love, and now they spend the next few scenes getting everything wrong before they realise they have say how they really feel.
But this is reality, and Howon is no leading man, and Dongwoo is not his one true love, and they are not going to get their happy ending.
Their manager is furious when Howon holds everyone up for the fifth time in an hour during dance practice.
"What's gotten into you today? You're not rookies anymore, Howon-ah. You're professionals. This isn't professional."
"I'm just tired," Howon says, looking at the floor, and it's not completely a lie. He is tired - of wanting Dongwoo, of being jealous of some girl he's never met, of wondering whether a relationship could have actually worked had they not both been celebrities, private lives always under the scrutiny of a camera.
"You know that's not an excuse in this line of work. It's only going to get harder as you rise higher," their manager reminds him, but the words lose a bit of their edge. "Just make sure this doesn't happen tomorrow."
Howon is grateful when he realises that he has just been excused from the rest of practice. He heads back to the car to wait, getting into the back seat, and spends the rest of the time with his head against the window, headphones over his ears.
When the rest of Infinite pile back in an hour later, it's Sungjong who crawls into the seat beside him. Howon lets his headphones slip off as the boy winds arms around his waist and leans on him.
"You're sweaty," he deadpans.
"Hyung," says Sungjong, affronted. "You're supposed to be, too."
Howon has nothing to say to this. Sungyeol has already dropped off to sleep on Sungjong's other side, and Woohyun, Dongwoo and Myungsoo are in the row in front of them, trying to persuade their manager to take them out for meat. Sunggyu is in the front seat, pretending not to be interested in the conversation.
"You can talk to me about it, you know," Sungjong says quietly, and Howon remembers why he is his favourite dongsaeng.
"There's not a lot to talk about."
"You say that, hyung, but almost tripping over yourself today was the most ungraceful I've ever seen you. You looked like a bear learning to dance."
Howon snorts with quiet amusement, leaning his forehead against Sungjong's temple, and the sound makes Dongwoo turn around briefly in his seat. Their eyes meet. At the way Dongwoo's expression falters slightly, Howon finally admits to himself that yes, maybe he did mess things up this time.
Her name is Lee Youngmi, and she matches Dongwoo in all the right ways. The members of Infinite are first introduced to her when they all head out to a restaurant on a rare night off, a reward for doing well on the charts as of late. Nobody's really dated since their debut, so everyone is eager to meet her - Howon is more careful and distantly curious, but nobody chooses to comment on this.
Youngmi is small and petite with a face that doesn't match the loudness of her laughter, in a way which is instantly endearing. Howon would like to say that he likes her, despite himself - but jealousy is a more powerful creature than he, and there is no way to redeem himself from the bite it leaves. He would like to say that, seeing the way she and Dongwoo share secret looks and laugh to themselves over an in-joke, he feels happy for Dongwoo. Most of all he would like to say that he can put aside his own feelings now, and leave what he screwed up in the past where it belongs.
He can't.
Howon can't even begin to describe the feeling in the pit of his stomach when it's his turn to be introduced.
"Youngmi-yah, this is Howon," says Dongwoo, and Howon wonders how he can look so normal and unaffected by what he's doing. "He's one of my closest friends!"
"Everyone is one of your closest friends," Youngmi teases.
"He's closer!"
She laughs, and Dongwoo grins in that way with too much teeth that Howon has always secretly liked. He slides his gaze away for a brief moment, feeling as though he's intruding on a private moment, even though Dongwoo was the one who was so enthusiastic to acquaint them.
"It's nice meeting you though," Youngmi says to him, politely, but with the bubbling undertone of a laugh in her words. "Dongwoo talks about you a lot. I mean, he talks about everyone a lot! But you especially. I told him he should just get married to you."
"I was going to propose," says Dongwoo solemnly. "I even made a ring out of a gummy snake and asked Sungjongie to be the flower girl."
"Yah, don't joke about that kind of stuff," Howon snorts, wondering if Dongwoo is doing this deliberately or whether he's just attracted to the most oblivious man in the world.
"No, no, I can see it all now," Youngmi says, giggling. "Howon-sshi, can I help you pick your dress?"
"Why am I the bride?"
"Exactly," Sungyeol interjects, appearing by Howon's shoulder. "Dongwoo-hyung makes a much more convincing woman, don't you, hyung?"
"Sungyeol-ah!" Dongwoo whines, as their appearance on WowMan is immediately elaborated on with great gusto.
Howon wonders if he's the only one feeling uncomfortable in the conversation. The collar of his shirt feels a little too tight, and he's having trouble keeping up with what everyone is talking about, mostly because he can't pull his eyes from every moment of contact Youngmi and Dongwoo make. But this is how it's meant to be, he tells himself. Everything is just right -- except for how he feels.
Howon spends the rest of dinner sandwiched uncomfortably in conversation, chipping away silently at his food. He learns that Youngmi and Dongwoo know each other from an old dance crew; that she thought he'd never get around to asking her out; that they've been seeing each other for five months now. After this last revelation he excuses himself to go to outside for some fresh air, Sungjong choosing to tag along behind.
"What's wrong?" Sungjong asks him. "Tell me truthfully this time, hyung."
"Do the math," says Howon.
"I'm not getting it."
"I stopped things with Dongwoo three months ago."
"Oh," says Sungjong, comprehending. "And they've been seeing each other for five."
Howon nods and folds his arms across his chest, watching the traffic speed by the front of the restaurant. He's never been a regular smoker, but right now he feels like he needs one. Sungjong says nothing more, and they remain silent for a while. The city makes enough noise for the both of them anyway.
He's not sure how to feel. There is still guilt left over for pushing Dongwoo away, a keen sense that he was wrong and only running selfishly from his fears. But now there's confusion and anger too - why hadn't Dongwoo said anything about seeing someone? Did that even constitute cheating?
"We weren't exactly together anyway," Howon says out loud. It seems more like empty comfort.
Sungjong looks sceptical. "You sound confused."
"That's because I am," Howon murmurs, before he turns around to go back inside.
He decides that he doesn't need to talk to Dongwoo about it. These days he's lucky if he can spend time alone with Dongwoo without feeling burdened, much less discuss the details of their past thing, whatever it was. It doesn't make him feel any better, but with their interactions recorded in every snapshot of the paparazzi or rolling video camera, there's no leeway for awkward confrontations or the fallout it might cause. At any rate, Dongwoo seems intent on forgetting all about it, with Youngmi becoming more and more a permanent fixture in all their lives. She's constantly on the phone to him, or discreetly dropping by the dorm late at night, or meeting him with one of the other members so that it doesn't look too suspicious. Howon finds himself the one who is usually dragged along, much to his quiet chagrin, but he could never really say no to Dongwoo anyway.
"Howon-sshi," says Youngmi, "We need to talk."
This is it, Howon thinks. He's been found out. After all, he can't help but be drawn to Dongwoo and Youngmi whenever they are around together, in a way which is probably not healthy. She's probably noticed how he can never take his eyes off Dongwoo, he reasons, or seen through his attempts to talk to her more as he tries to bring himself to accept her. Howon's head fills quickly with excuses he can make, reasons he can give - ha ha, don't worry, it's not what it looks like, Dongwoo just has really animated eyebrows sometimes, don't you think? - no, he berates himself silently, that's not going to work, even if Dongwoo does have --
"I've noticed the way you look at me," she says.
Howon can safely say that he did not see that one coming.
"Sorry?" he asks dumbly.
"The way you look at me… like you want me." Youngmi casts her eyes at the floor. "It's okay, I didn't tell Dongwoo. To tell the truth, I sort of understand. We've been getting along so well lately, and you're very polite and charming - I guess that out of everyone, you've made me feel the most welcome."
"Oh," says Howon.
"Please don't misunderstand," she says quietly, and he doesn't know how to react to the sincerity in her voice. "Dongwoo is the person I'm seeing, and he's the one I care about most. It's just… things have gotten so hard recently, and I can't help it, Howon-sshi… you're just always there. So unassuming. So willing to listen. You're so kind when I need someone to be."
No, Howon thinks. You've got it all wrong. Completely wrong. There's a reason I'm like that. He pushes the lump in his throat down.
"How has it been hard?" he asks instead. "You both look like you're getting along well."
"Exactly. We get along well." Youngmi pauses. "Nothing more. In the beginning it was fine, but the more we keep seeing each other, the more I feel like his heart isn't in it. And sometimes he seems so troubled for no reason, but he shuts me out instead of opening up. I want him to confide in me, not pull out antics when he wants to avoid the topic. There's only so much of that one person can handle, no matter how strongly they feel, don't you understand?"
"Yes," says Howon, words coming out calmer than he feels. "I think I do."
"I'm sorry, I've burdened you."
"It's okay."
"I really am, though. I just needed to tell you that I think I feel the same way, even though I'm not supposed to. It's… it's horrible of me, but I just can't switch it off, as much as I want to."
"I think that happens to us all sometimes," Howon murmurs, still too shocked to think properly.
"You always understand," Youngmi tells him.
She looks up into his face, and he can see her honesty and her conflict. In that moment, he knows that he is going to do something awful.
Howon thinks of how he has laid in bed at night wondering whether he has actually always been second to Youngmi, of his growing resentment towards Dongwoo festering like a wound. He thinks of his endless frustration at trying to push thoughts of Dongwoo away, and missing a beat in his dance routines one too many times because of it.
He doesn't want to admit it, but he also thinks of how deep down he knows he will always succumb to his jealousy, that desire to pull Dongwoo and Youngmi away from each other. It feels hopelessly inescapable and he knows he should have better self-control, but he's not the kind of person who can fool himself forever, no matter how much he wants to.
Howon leans forward and kisses her.
("We shouldn't do this," she says.
"Then why aren't you stopping me?"
Her lips are tracing his collarbone, right where Dongwoo used to mark him. He runs his fingers through her hair.
"I can't bring myself to."
"Because you want it."
"It'll hurt Dongwoo."
I want it to, he thinks. He loves Dongwoo so much it hurts, and that makes Howon hate him even more. So in the end he says nothing at all, because his mouth finds other places to occupy.
He pretends he doesn't know that Dongwoo's schedule finishes before everyone else's that afternoon. He pretends he doesn't know that Dongwoo is going to arrive back to what is supposed to be an empty dorm first. When Dongwoo walks in on them sweat-soaked and gasping, he pretends he didn't know that any of this would happen. At all.
Youngmi runs off in tears, and Howon is halfway to calling out stop, before the door slams shut behind her. It's kind of ironic that he genuinely cares about her more right now than he ever has before.)
When Dongwoo's fist meets the side of his face, it hurts. Howon's first thought is that they're going to have a hard time explaining that to the managers, because it's not like he can accidentally fall onto someone's fist. His second thought is that he's never seen Dongwoo this angry in the whole time he's known him. His third is that it's kind of hot, in a really fucked-up way.
"Yeah, we're so fucked up," he says underneath his breath, and he looks over to where Dongwoo is now slumped against the wall, sliding down onto the floor as his legs collapse beneath him.
"Why did you do that?" Dongwoo's voice is trembling.
"Because I felt like it."
"At least you're honest."
Howon laughs, because what does honesty even matter now?
"Because I wanted you," he continues, bringing his palm up to cup his swelling cheek. "Because I was jealous and I didn't want to see you with someone else anymore. Because that wasn't going to happen unless I took advantage of your girlfriend and slept with her and ruined your relationship for good. I fucked up. Happy?"
"No," says Dongwoo. "But I fucked up too."
Howon lowers himself to the ground and sits beside Dongwoo. They don't look at each other. Howon just waits for the words to come.
dongwoo/hoya, pg-13. for the infinite 100 fic challenge. incomplete.
If this is an exercise in self-control, Howon is failing. Dismally.
On the surface, everything looks fine. His movements are slick, smooth, sneakers making barely perceptible squeaks as they slide across the floor of the practice room. Every angle of every limb is precisely positioned, and even his breaths come out in the rhythm of the loud dance track. Inhale. Exhale.
None of that is the problem - his dancing is like it always has been, the stuff that made his instructors grin and pat him rewardingly on the shoulder back when he was just a trainee. No, the problem is his gaze, and where it wanders; or to be exact, who it wanders to. There are six other boys in Infinite moving in perfect synchronization with him, but Howon knows that his weakness lies in only ever having really looked at one.
And just like this, there is only one person whose shoulder he catches after they've finished practicing, and everybody is ready to go home. One person whose wrist he winds his fingers around and tugs gently into a quiet corner.
"Someone's gonna see us," Dongwoo whispers at him, but Howon shushes him quickly.
"It's just five minutes."
"Okay, five minutes," Dongwoo agrees, without much resistance.
Howon allows himself the barest smile before Dongwoo leans in, all sweat-soaked hair and hot puffs of breath.
"This is the last time," Howon tells Dongwoo afterwards, knowing full well that he says it every time. They're walking towards the car, an appropriate distance apart, faces turned down slightly in case anybody picks up that their lips might be slightly swollen.
Dongwoo nods with that enthusiastic puppy-eyed look of his, and sometimes Howon has to wonder if he really even understands, or if he thinks that this is all just a big joke.
"How many times have I told you, I'm happy for you, hyung. You don't need to hide it from me!"
Sungjong's expression is petulant and he's pouting in that way that makes him look more like a girl than ever. Howon doesn't tell him this, in case Sungjong is secretly a cutthroat ninja. It's not likely, given that he's the dongsaeng Howon knows the best, but it's definitely better to be safe than sorry.
"There's nothing to hide," he tells Sungjong, looking unfazed as he continues to scroll through his iPod. "It's not even important, it doesn't mean anything."
"Right." Sungjong doesn't sound convinced, hands now on his hips. "So it's not important that you keep sneaking off with Dongwoo-hyung after dance practice, after our schedules, oh sometimes in the middle of the night…"
"Okay, stop," Howon puts his hands up in surrender. "How come the way you say that makes it sound so bad?"
"Because I'm telling the truth," comes the sweet reply.
Howon laughs and aims a pillow at Sungjong's head.
"Fuck, it really is that bad."
Dongwoo looks up questioningly from where he's been tracing random things onto Howon's bare stomach with a fingertip. Howon gave up trying to keep track somewhere between the butterfly and what felt like perhaps a very liberal interpretation of Sunggyu's face. He isn't sure he wants to know anyway.
"This, I mean," Howon waves a hand around for clarification. "Us."
"What about us?"
"I've been keeping a tally."
Dongwoo looks a little bit endearing when his eyes widen with incredulousness, but Howon studiously ignores it. He also chooses to ignore the obnoxious snorts of laughter suddenly coming from somewhere around the vicinity of his torso. That's really not attractive at all.
"So? What'd you figure out?" Dongwoo presses on.
"That we really need girlfriends," Howon says, more as a joke than anything else, but also with the uncomfortable feeling that there's some hint of truth underneath those words.
When Dongwoo goes uncharacteristically silent, he looks over. Did that overstep the mark? No, he reminds himself, there was no mark in the first place. Dongwoo and he, they're not -- they're just -- alright, so there's no avoiding what it is. But that doesn't mean he can't try. As addicted as he feels to the time they spend alone together, what always follows afterwards is the heavy burden of guilt and a sense of wrongness that settles into his stomach like a rock. He's torn between the rush which comes with Dongwoo, and the world out there that says they can't do this.
Howon's fingers find their way into Dongwoo's hair, resting there as though any further movement would be too precarious to attempt. As though Dongwoo might shy away from him. Ironic that if anything, it's the other way around.
He's suddenly afraid of the silence that has settled.
"How long," Dongwoo's voice sounds smaller than it should, "Do you think we can keep going like this?"
Howon tries not to let his expression stiffen too much, but suddenly the words he has been holding back just roll off his tongue unbidden. "We can't," he says. "We can't."
"But I want to."
At moments like this he forgets who the older one is.
"We can't," he repeats. "One day, if it's tomorrow or in a month or a year, it would have to end anyway."
"But for now--"
"Hey, I've been thinking something lately. Maybe it's better if we just stop. Don't you think?"
Howon knows he's selfish, so selfish. There's the familiar feeling of wanting to protect himself for the eventual fallout, but he also doesn't want to hurt Dongwoo. It's giving him whiplash. He needs an escape. Howon isn't sure if Dongwoo sees and realises this, or if some internal conflict of massive proportions is going on in the other boy's head too, but all of a sudden those fingers on his stomach grow more confident and roam further downwards. A shudder runs up his spine, and he gives in.
"This is the last time," he says, déjà vu striking, when Dongwoo is later curled up beside him and drifting off to sleep.
"Okay," Dongwoo replies, bumping his nose gently against Howon's collarbone.
Howon can't bring himself to pull away just yet.
Somehow, things change after that, with a speed that makes it all seem painfully easy. Dongwoo hovers around Howon less, the conversation from that night filling the gap between them, and Howon learns to get into the car after schedules first instead of last. They still sit together at meals but they no longer really seem together: the other members can sense that something has invariably changed, perhaps broken. Sunggyu, ever the leader, tries to ask Howon about it - but he has always been good at saying few words when he wants, and the conversation tides over quickly. He'd rather not talk about it, after all.
Howon discovers that the problem with speaking little is having to live inside his own head more. He had anticipated that thoughts of Dongwoo would be impossible to avoid, but as with most complicated matters the actual experience is nothing like he could have imagined. Sometimes he watches Dongwoo in the practice room and wonders if they are feeling the same sense of displacement, an inkling that something has become unaligned. Other times he catches Dongwoo's eye across the table or in the car, and wants to ask him if that familiar easy grin is hiding resentment that he can't see.
Howon never gets answers, but then again, he couldn't have possibly expected them.
Almost two months down the track, the distance between himself and Dongwoo is something he still thinks too much about but has grown to accept, like a guilty habit he has lived with for too long. Things are easier but not happier, and when Howon speaks to Dongwoo now each conversation seems more natural than the last. Howon thinks that maybe he could continue like this, thinks that he has reached an appropriate balance between missing Dongwoo and staying clear of anything that remotely resembles attraction to him.
He thinks this, at least, until Dongwoo calls all the members to a meeting after they get back from a schedule. It's half past two in the morning and everyone is tired and exhausted, but curious. Dongwoo never does things like this, despite being second oldest. Half of them are piled on the couch, and the rest are cross-legged on the floor, including Howon. Dongwoo is the only one standing. He looks nervous.
Suddenly Howon feels nervous too.
"I'm not going to keep this from you guys," Dongwoo starts off, "Because even if I try to lie you're gonna know in five seconds flat and then you'll all kill me for thinking I could get away with it."
Woohyun, beside Howon, snorts a little in obvious agreement, and gets Sunggyu's foot in his ribs for it. There's a mumbled okay, sorry, and then everyone's attention is on Dongwoo again.
"So what I wanted to say is…"
Howon knows this is going to be bad.
"… I'm seeing someone now."
Everything erupts at once. Sunggyu looks like he's about to go into hysterics ("The hyungs are going to find out, and then they're going to torture me for information, and then I'll have to tell the truth, and then Dongwoo is going to hate me forever and management are going to kick me out for being a horrible, irresponsible leader--") and Woohyun is patting his knee telling him to breathe before he passes out. Myungsoo appears handsomely ruffled about everything ("How come he can find time for a girl and the rest of us can't?") and Sungyeol is lost yet loud ("Who? What? When did this happen? What the hell is going on?"). Worst of all, Sungjong shoots A Look in Howon's direction, which he breaks eye contact with and pretends that his heart has not obviously just dropped out of his chest. He doesn't think he's doing a good job.
Afterwards when the members have all settled down, Howon offers his support to Dongwoo along with everyone else. It's what he should do, he thinks. Dongwoo is happy and smiling now that his moment of nervousness is over, and Howon draws him into a one-armed hug.
"I'm happy for you," he says.
In theory, this solves all the problems between them. Ironically, Howon has never felt worse.
Howon gets no sleep at all that night, and the way he stumbles spectacularly through all his activities the next day makes him feel like something out of a movie. It's as though he's gotten to the part of the script where the character realises that they've made a huge mistake and that they should have just taken the risk for love, and now they spend the next few scenes getting everything wrong before they realise they have say how they really feel.
But this is reality, and Howon is no leading man, and Dongwoo is not his one true love, and they are not going to get their happy ending.
Their manager is furious when Howon holds everyone up for the fifth time in an hour during dance practice.
"What's gotten into you today? You're not rookies anymore, Howon-ah. You're professionals. This isn't professional."
"I'm just tired," Howon says, looking at the floor, and it's not completely a lie. He is tired - of wanting Dongwoo, of being jealous of some girl he's never met, of wondering whether a relationship could have actually worked had they not both been celebrities, private lives always under the scrutiny of a camera.
"You know that's not an excuse in this line of work. It's only going to get harder as you rise higher," their manager reminds him, but the words lose a bit of their edge. "Just make sure this doesn't happen tomorrow."
Howon is grateful when he realises that he has just been excused from the rest of practice. He heads back to the car to wait, getting into the back seat, and spends the rest of the time with his head against the window, headphones over his ears.
When the rest of Infinite pile back in an hour later, it's Sungjong who crawls into the seat beside him. Howon lets his headphones slip off as the boy winds arms around his waist and leans on him.
"You're sweaty," he deadpans.
"Hyung," says Sungjong, affronted. "You're supposed to be, too."
Howon has nothing to say to this. Sungyeol has already dropped off to sleep on Sungjong's other side, and Woohyun, Dongwoo and Myungsoo are in the row in front of them, trying to persuade their manager to take them out for meat. Sunggyu is in the front seat, pretending not to be interested in the conversation.
"You can talk to me about it, you know," Sungjong says quietly, and Howon remembers why he is his favourite dongsaeng.
"There's not a lot to talk about."
"You say that, hyung, but almost tripping over yourself today was the most ungraceful I've ever seen you. You looked like a bear learning to dance."
Howon snorts with quiet amusement, leaning his forehead against Sungjong's temple, and the sound makes Dongwoo turn around briefly in his seat. Their eyes meet. At the way Dongwoo's expression falters slightly, Howon finally admits to himself that yes, maybe he did mess things up this time.
Her name is Lee Youngmi, and she matches Dongwoo in all the right ways. The members of Infinite are first introduced to her when they all head out to a restaurant on a rare night off, a reward for doing well on the charts as of late. Nobody's really dated since their debut, so everyone is eager to meet her - Howon is more careful and distantly curious, but nobody chooses to comment on this.
Youngmi is small and petite with a face that doesn't match the loudness of her laughter, in a way which is instantly endearing. Howon would like to say that he likes her, despite himself - but jealousy is a more powerful creature than he, and there is no way to redeem himself from the bite it leaves. He would like to say that, seeing the way she and Dongwoo share secret looks and laugh to themselves over an in-joke, he feels happy for Dongwoo. Most of all he would like to say that he can put aside his own feelings now, and leave what he screwed up in the past where it belongs.
He can't.
Howon can't even begin to describe the feeling in the pit of his stomach when it's his turn to be introduced.
"Youngmi-yah, this is Howon," says Dongwoo, and Howon wonders how he can look so normal and unaffected by what he's doing. "He's one of my closest friends!"
"Everyone is one of your closest friends," Youngmi teases.
"He's closer!"
She laughs, and Dongwoo grins in that way with too much teeth that Howon has always secretly liked. He slides his gaze away for a brief moment, feeling as though he's intruding on a private moment, even though Dongwoo was the one who was so enthusiastic to acquaint them.
"It's nice meeting you though," Youngmi says to him, politely, but with the bubbling undertone of a laugh in her words. "Dongwoo talks about you a lot. I mean, he talks about everyone a lot! But you especially. I told him he should just get married to you."
"I was going to propose," says Dongwoo solemnly. "I even made a ring out of a gummy snake and asked Sungjongie to be the flower girl."
"Yah, don't joke about that kind of stuff," Howon snorts, wondering if Dongwoo is doing this deliberately or whether he's just attracted to the most oblivious man in the world.
"No, no, I can see it all now," Youngmi says, giggling. "Howon-sshi, can I help you pick your dress?"
"Why am I the bride?"
"Exactly," Sungyeol interjects, appearing by Howon's shoulder. "Dongwoo-hyung makes a much more convincing woman, don't you, hyung?"
"Sungyeol-ah!" Dongwoo whines, as their appearance on WowMan is immediately elaborated on with great gusto.
Howon wonders if he's the only one feeling uncomfortable in the conversation. The collar of his shirt feels a little too tight, and he's having trouble keeping up with what everyone is talking about, mostly because he can't pull his eyes from every moment of contact Youngmi and Dongwoo make. But this is how it's meant to be, he tells himself. Everything is just right -- except for how he feels.
Howon spends the rest of dinner sandwiched uncomfortably in conversation, chipping away silently at his food. He learns that Youngmi and Dongwoo know each other from an old dance crew; that she thought he'd never get around to asking her out; that they've been seeing each other for five months now. After this last revelation he excuses himself to go to outside for some fresh air, Sungjong choosing to tag along behind.
"What's wrong?" Sungjong asks him. "Tell me truthfully this time, hyung."
"Do the math," says Howon.
"I'm not getting it."
"I stopped things with Dongwoo three months ago."
"Oh," says Sungjong, comprehending. "And they've been seeing each other for five."
Howon nods and folds his arms across his chest, watching the traffic speed by the front of the restaurant. He's never been a regular smoker, but right now he feels like he needs one. Sungjong says nothing more, and they remain silent for a while. The city makes enough noise for the both of them anyway.
He's not sure how to feel. There is still guilt left over for pushing Dongwoo away, a keen sense that he was wrong and only running selfishly from his fears. But now there's confusion and anger too - why hadn't Dongwoo said anything about seeing someone? Did that even constitute cheating?
"We weren't exactly together anyway," Howon says out loud. It seems more like empty comfort.
Sungjong looks sceptical. "You sound confused."
"That's because I am," Howon murmurs, before he turns around to go back inside.
He decides that he doesn't need to talk to Dongwoo about it. These days he's lucky if he can spend time alone with Dongwoo without feeling burdened, much less discuss the details of their past thing, whatever it was. It doesn't make him feel any better, but with their interactions recorded in every snapshot of the paparazzi or rolling video camera, there's no leeway for awkward confrontations or the fallout it might cause. At any rate, Dongwoo seems intent on forgetting all about it, with Youngmi becoming more and more a permanent fixture in all their lives. She's constantly on the phone to him, or discreetly dropping by the dorm late at night, or meeting him with one of the other members so that it doesn't look too suspicious. Howon finds himself the one who is usually dragged along, much to his quiet chagrin, but he could never really say no to Dongwoo anyway.
"Howon-sshi," says Youngmi, "We need to talk."
This is it, Howon thinks. He's been found out. After all, he can't help but be drawn to Dongwoo and Youngmi whenever they are around together, in a way which is probably not healthy. She's probably noticed how he can never take his eyes off Dongwoo, he reasons, or seen through his attempts to talk to her more as he tries to bring himself to accept her. Howon's head fills quickly with excuses he can make, reasons he can give - ha ha, don't worry, it's not what it looks like, Dongwoo just has really animated eyebrows sometimes, don't you think? - no, he berates himself silently, that's not going to work, even if Dongwoo does have --
"I've noticed the way you look at me," she says.
Howon can safely say that he did not see that one coming.
"Sorry?" he asks dumbly.
"The way you look at me… like you want me." Youngmi casts her eyes at the floor. "It's okay, I didn't tell Dongwoo. To tell the truth, I sort of understand. We've been getting along so well lately, and you're very polite and charming - I guess that out of everyone, you've made me feel the most welcome."
"Oh," says Howon.
"Please don't misunderstand," she says quietly, and he doesn't know how to react to the sincerity in her voice. "Dongwoo is the person I'm seeing, and he's the one I care about most. It's just… things have gotten so hard recently, and I can't help it, Howon-sshi… you're just always there. So unassuming. So willing to listen. You're so kind when I need someone to be."
No, Howon thinks. You've got it all wrong. Completely wrong. There's a reason I'm like that. He pushes the lump in his throat down.
"How has it been hard?" he asks instead. "You both look like you're getting along well."
"Exactly. We get along well." Youngmi pauses. "Nothing more. In the beginning it was fine, but the more we keep seeing each other, the more I feel like his heart isn't in it. And sometimes he seems so troubled for no reason, but he shuts me out instead of opening up. I want him to confide in me, not pull out antics when he wants to avoid the topic. There's only so much of that one person can handle, no matter how strongly they feel, don't you understand?"
"Yes," says Howon, words coming out calmer than he feels. "I think I do."
"I'm sorry, I've burdened you."
"It's okay."
"I really am, though. I just needed to tell you that I think I feel the same way, even though I'm not supposed to. It's… it's horrible of me, but I just can't switch it off, as much as I want to."
"I think that happens to us all sometimes," Howon murmurs, still too shocked to think properly.
"You always understand," Youngmi tells him.
She looks up into his face, and he can see her honesty and her conflict. In that moment, he knows that he is going to do something awful.
Howon thinks of how he has laid in bed at night wondering whether he has actually always been second to Youngmi, of his growing resentment towards Dongwoo festering like a wound. He thinks of his endless frustration at trying to push thoughts of Dongwoo away, and missing a beat in his dance routines one too many times because of it.
He doesn't want to admit it, but he also thinks of how deep down he knows he will always succumb to his jealousy, that desire to pull Dongwoo and Youngmi away from each other. It feels hopelessly inescapable and he knows he should have better self-control, but he's not the kind of person who can fool himself forever, no matter how much he wants to.
Howon leans forward and kisses her.
("We shouldn't do this," she says.
"Then why aren't you stopping me?"
Her lips are tracing his collarbone, right where Dongwoo used to mark him. He runs his fingers through her hair.
"I can't bring myself to."
"Because you want it."
"It'll hurt Dongwoo."
I want it to, he thinks. He loves Dongwoo so much it hurts, and that makes Howon hate him even more. So in the end he says nothing at all, because his mouth finds other places to occupy.
He pretends he doesn't know that Dongwoo's schedule finishes before everyone else's that afternoon. He pretends he doesn't know that Dongwoo is going to arrive back to what is supposed to be an empty dorm first. When Dongwoo walks in on them sweat-soaked and gasping, he pretends he didn't know that any of this would happen. At all.
Youngmi runs off in tears, and Howon is halfway to calling out stop, before the door slams shut behind her. It's kind of ironic that he genuinely cares about her more right now than he ever has before.)
When Dongwoo's fist meets the side of his face, it hurts. Howon's first thought is that they're going to have a hard time explaining that to the managers, because it's not like he can accidentally fall onto someone's fist. His second thought is that he's never seen Dongwoo this angry in the whole time he's known him. His third is that it's kind of hot, in a really fucked-up way.
"Yeah, we're so fucked up," he says underneath his breath, and he looks over to where Dongwoo is now slumped against the wall, sliding down onto the floor as his legs collapse beneath him.
"Why did you do that?" Dongwoo's voice is trembling.
"Because I felt like it."
"At least you're honest."
Howon laughs, because what does honesty even matter now?
"Because I wanted you," he continues, bringing his palm up to cup his swelling cheek. "Because I was jealous and I didn't want to see you with someone else anymore. Because that wasn't going to happen unless I took advantage of your girlfriend and slept with her and ruined your relationship for good. I fucked up. Happy?"
"No," says Dongwoo. "But I fucked up too."
Howon lowers himself to the ground and sits beside Dongwoo. They don't look at each other. Howon just waits for the words to come.