(no subject)
I have a lot of trouble waking up in the morning. I would just joke that I was a hard sleeper, but it's more than that. I have such an extreme problem with waking up in the morning that there have been many occasions where I have been half an hour or more late to work. Let me explain that this is not something I do out of malice, or even apathy.
I just can't get up in the morning. You guys don't know how much you take that for granted. It's such a simple thing.
I'm also flaky. I've learned how to exhibit a competent exterior to the world, but those of ya'll that know me well have seen beyond that. And probably been a bit disillusioned by what you've found. Let's be honest.
I'll make appointments and then forget about them. I'll be late to engagements. Unable to juggle more than one engagement in one weekend. Not exactly a good friend. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I haven't been able to handle too much at once. I've never been able to juggle my schedule skillfully. I had always just thought that I'd not been blessed with the trait of social juggling, and had always admired Luke for his ability in it.
I've said in some past entries that I used to be really really smart and that I somehow lost it somewhere along the way. It's a very blase thing to say, but it's the truth. I was in all of these accelerated programs when I was in Texas - elementary school and middle school. Somewhere around the time that we moved to Alabama, I seemed to have lost it. I just didn't understand it, and frankly it really disturbed me.
My excuse, (later in life, of course) was that I had been challenged while I was in Texas, and when I didn't have any accelerated programs in Alabama, I didn't have to try. So I got lazy. I carried that laziness into college.
While all these explanations and excuses have their merits, I've recently found another.
I've been diagnosed with moderate to severe ADD.
Yeah, not exactly the thunderous revelation that you'd expected, huh? I was pretty much certain of the diagnoses before I even went into the doctor's office, but I was willing to go.
So I went along with the better judgment of my employers and family, knowing that I would be diagnosed with it, but not sure how much good that label would do.
Oh holy shit.
I feel a bit like I'm endorsing a product, I'm so enthusiastic about this. I really do sound like an infomercial, but try to see past that shit. There, now that that's out of the way, I can go on with my excitement.
This is only my first week on the medication, but it has been fantastic already.
I can get up in the morning. This is something that I've been battling my entire life without any hope at all that I would succeed. I knew that I needed to get past it, but I just couldn't.
I've been productive on the weekends. I got up and made breakfast. Those of you who don't know me aren't going to quite understand this. I don't even eat breakfast, much less make it.
I got shit done around the house that I've been putting off since I moved in. It may actually be ready for a housewarming party in a few weeks.
Maybe best of all, though there's no external evidence of this, is how I feel:
I feel smart again.
I feel like I can go back to college and actually succeed this time.
I feel competent, and it feels great.
I'm sorry that I'm being so dramatic in all of this, but I really feel different.
So what's this newly competent girl doing? First she's going to get back on to solid financial ground. That doesn't mean pay off all my bills - just pay off enough where I have extra money each month so that I can go back to school. It'll have to be part time for now, but hell - it's progress. And that's better than I've been doing for the past 3 years.
I also thought of something else. I never thought I'd say it, but thank God I didn't get into the military. I would have been placed into something highly advanced because of my ASVAB scores, and then flunked out when it actually came to classes and studying. That would have looked great on my resume. You can flunk out of college, but you can't exactly flunk out of the military. I would have been reassigned to something that would have done me absolutely no good outside of the military. So yeah.
I was really sad when I got rejected because of my vision. I think I got a little lost. I had a plan of what to do if I didn't get in, but I had been hanging all of my hopes on it. I think I was kind of thinking that my ASVAB scores would guarantee me a great job. The reality, of course, is that they would have guaranteed me a place in the military. And they would have placed me in a great school, but after that it would have been up to me to do well in that school and then to do well in that job, whether I enjoyed it or not.
I still would have had to have depended on my mental acuity and study skills in order to do well. And I'd already proven after two semesters of college that those skills were zilch. So I repeat. Thank god I didn't get in. I would be miserable right about now, and it's not like the military gives you a second chance at school. "Oh, you weren't emotionally ready for college? Awww. Well go ahead and try again."
So I'm back. And I have direction in my life now. I don't think this is as exciting to other people as it is to me, but I'm still hopeful.