Someone Out There Loves You
Gerard lay on his bed, motionless as he stared up at the white ceiling. What else could he do?
He had finished his father's bottle of whiskey, the glass bottle knocked down to the floor from the struggle of getting the top of his anti-depressants open. The white pills had scattered across the room as the cap flew open. Gerard yelled out in fury and threw the little orange bottle at the wall where it exploded.
His life just seems to be getting worse. His parents aren't paying attention to his existence. Their perfect son, Mikey, is the only they seem to care about and who can blame them? Mikey gets all the good grades, he has the charm to impress the adults, he hangs out with the right people, and he doesn't steal, drink, or do drugs and most importantly, Mikey's straight.
Thinking about Mikey sent shivers down Gerard's spine. Although his younger brother may appear to be a saint in front of his parents, Mikey was just downright cruel to his older brother. Ever since he had caught Gerard messing around with Frank, that punk kid from school, in his room and ratted him out, Mikey had been giving him disgusted looks and rude remarks.
****
"Faggot." Mikey had muttered into his cereal just a few hours ago as he watched Gerard pour coffee into a mug.
The older boy stopped filling his cup as soon as the murmured words reached his ears. "Excuse me?" Gerard demanded, wanting so bad to mishear Mikey.
"You heard me," The small boy challenged, his brown eyes dark with hatred behind his glasses. "I said 'Faggot'."
Gerard almost slammed down the coffeepot but he calmly placed it on top of the kitchen counter. He took a deep breath to steady his nerves before speaking.
"Who the hell do you think you are calling me that? Don't you have any respect?"
"Not for you, you fucking flame. Jesus, how can you do that to mom and dad? How could you do that to me? Do you know what they say about you in school?" Mikey questioned, pushing away his breakfast, too invested in this conversation to eat.
Gerard rolled his eyes at Mikey's priorities. He checked the clock, cursing under his breath when he saw that he still has another half hour until the bus arrives.
"I don't know, the same shit they always call me. Who cares?"
"I care!" Mikey shouted, jumping up from his seat and slamming his hands onto the kitchen counter. "If they say something about you, they say something about me. Do you have any idea what that does to my reputation?"
Gerard surveyed the younger boy, searching every inch of his face for a sign that told him Mikey was joking. "Are you kidding me?"
"Does that surprise you Gerard? Is it that surprising that someone from this family can actually be social and normal? Not every one can be a fucking burnout like you."
Mikey didn't move from his position, his eyes keeping their glare on his older brother. Gerard's breathing had gotten heavier as he listened to his Mikey's words. His vision was impaired, tears that he didn't dare let fall were filling the brim of his eyes.
"You're a fucking disgrace and every one knows it. God, why don't you kill yourself already? We would all be better off."
Both brothers stood in the kitchen, staring at each other with high intensity. Mikey was the first to move, walking away from the kitchen counter, grabbing his back pack before leaving the house. Gerard was stunned into silence, his brain unwillingly replaying every hurtful word Mikey had said.
Gerard's heart started to feel heavy in chest as he realized Mikey had just answered the same questions he asked himself from time to time. Should he just end his life now? Would his 'family' even care?
Now he knows the answer. No, his family won't care if he decides to take his like. They 'would be better off.'
Gerard clutched at his heart, the heavy feeling growing in his chest as he couldn't breathe. He took deep breaths to fill in his lungs and as he did, Gerard's racing thoughts started to slow down. He was huddled over the kitchen counter, his hands clutching at thin strands of inky black hair.
Gerard wasn't sure how long he stayed in the kitchen like this but he had heard the school bus drive past his house about 10 minutes ago. He lifted his head away from his hands slowly as to not make his developing headache worse.
He wiped away his tears, his fingers rubbing the wet skin raw. He’s a man, he shouldn't be crying. Through his tears, he made out his parents liquor cabinet and his tongue suddenly craved for alcohol. Gerard wasted no time in opening the cabinet, grabbing any bottle of liquor and making sure he had his anti-depressants before making it up to his room.
****
Tears started to fall as Gerard relived his argument with Mikey once more.
What was he waiting for? His parents were at work and Mikey is stuck at school for few more hours. Gerard can do his family the favor and just commit suicide right now. No one is stopping him.
He turned his head to see the empty bottle of whiskey and the scattered white pills on the floor. He took most of the pills with the whiskey before they fell to the floor but it just wasn't quick enough. God, He couldn't even kill himself properly! He really is a disgrace.
Gerard sighed as removed his sluggish body from bed and dragged himself to his art supplies on his desk. He rummaged through his bag until he found his pencil sharpener. He stared at the small black object, inspecting it until he smashed against the desk. He winced at the plastic shards scraping his palm but as he lifted his hand, he disregarded the black pieces and searched for the silver razor. Its gleam caught his eye and he lifted up the metal object in awe.
Gerard took his time admiring it before he ripped off his denim jacket and placed the sharp edge of the razor onto his pale wrist. He raked his mind for a witty one liner to say before he started but the cliché ‘Goodbye world.’ was the only thing he could up with. He couldn't even come up with something good.
Gerard pressed the blade into his white skin, wincing at the burning stings as he trailed the blade up his arm, blood oozing out and following the razor as it made its way up his arm. One long bloody cut had marked Gerard's arm before his bedroom window had opened.
"Gerard, you're here. How come you didn't go- What are you doing?!"
Frank's outburst caused Gerard to look up from his self harm to see a shocked Frank perched up against his window sill. Gerard had forgotten that he had let the window open for Frank to come in during the night. Gerard didn't figure that Frank would come looking for him if he'd missed school and seeing Frank catch him like this was devastating.
Frank ran to Gerard, wrestling the razor away from him as Gerard had a tight grip on it.
"No! Frankie! You don't understand! I'm going to be doing everyone a favor if I go through with this. Mikey will be happy. My parents will be happy. Hell, the whole school will be fucking ecstatic when they found out I'm gone."
Gerard speech was slurred as he explained to Frank. He struggled with Frank to keep a hold of his razor but the younger boy had more strength. Frank finally overpowered Gerard, taking the razor and throwing it across the room.
"What were you thinking, Gerard?" Frank screamed his voice hysterical as he clutched the bleeding boy to his chest.
It was then Gerard decided to let all of his vulnerability show. He smothered his face into Frank's neck, sobbing as he felt his energy drain from his body.
"I'm a disgrace to my family. I always knew it but when Mikey finally told me that he thought it too, it had to be true. What kind of pathetic person's family doesn't even want him alive?"
Gerard had never opened up like that before. He had always been a closed book but Frank was the only person that makes him feel like he won't be judged. Gerard just seemed right at home in Frank's arms. Maybe it had to do with Frank rocking him back and forth as they were both on the floor or the calming humming sounds he's making to put him at ease but Gerard just didn't want to let go.
"You can't do that to me." Frank whispered as he continued to rock the older boy back and forth. "How am I going to get through without you?"
"It's easy, you have so many friends. You can forget about me easily." Gerard told him, his heart feeling lighter than this morning.
"I don't care about them, I care about you. Believe it or not, you're my world and I want you living in it."
Frank had started to cry as he looked around the room. Gerard wanted to wipe away the tears but he had already stained Frank's Smashing Pumpkins tee with his blood and he didn't want to do anything else that would get Frank upset.
Gerard felt himself being lifted to his feet and dragged to the bathroom. He watched Frank clean up his arm, washing away the drying blood before he covered the cut with hand towels. He doesn't really remember how he got there but now he's in the hospital being purged of alcohol and pills.
After it was all over, the doctor had informed him that his parents were notified and they were on their way. Gerard was terrified, scared of their reactions more than the punishment. Would they be mad that he would even do such a thing or mad that he didn't finish the job? A hand slipping into his brought Gerard out of his thoughts and focus on the black and blonde haired boy in front of him. Frank’s hazel eyes were wet and rimmed with red and Gerard couldn’t think of anything else more heart wrenching.
"I'll stay right by your side if you need me too," Frank said, as he watched Gerard carefully, his tears ready to fall. "But you have to promise me the same thing. You have to always be by my side. No more easy ways out."
Gerard could do nothing but stare at Frank before squeezing his hand and linking their fingers together. He took a deep breath before speaking. "I promise Frank. No more easy ways out."