(no subject)
argh....gah....
life = a big bitch. then what? u die motherfucker, u die. what the hell. think about it. we're here and we're doing the same shit over and over and over again for what? so that our bodies can still function properly and we can just keep doing that same thing. and we go through school for years upon years to learn and to obtain the information for the career that we will someday have. meanwhile we might be miserable trying to achieve our goals or trying to get to the top of the food chain. and let's face it, people like me aint makin it to the top of the food chain. sure i'd love to be a big hot-shot business woman one day. i wanna wear the power suit and have people surrrounding me constantly asking me how things work and what they should do and where this goes and how to do that ... u get the point. i want to be looked up to instead of looked down upon. i want someone to seriously listen to me when it really counts. but let's face it ... that's probly never gonna happen. i'll be lucky if i get some sort of management job one day. i wanna be one of those people that absorbs information. i want to learn. i want to read ... i know this sounds retarded but i never read. i want a larger vocabulary. i dont want to ask my friends what words mean in the middle of a conversation. i want to know the words my brother uses on purpose so that i'll ask him what they mean. i really want to learn something in school. unfortunately i dont give a damn about what they want me to learn most of the time. i want to be a good student and learn things. i was thinking about starting to take spanish and picking it up as another major or minor. then i realized there's no way in hell i'll ever learn spanish. i go to work to pay for things i want and need. soon it will be mostly for survival. and y do i still wanna live? i have hopes that life gets better. that it gets a lil easier. that there's more fun to be had and more experiences to be had. that someday i'll be somebody. that there really is someone i'm meant to be with for a significant amount of time. that i'll get to grow old and when i'm 90 i'll look back on pictures of me and my friends from when we're 16 and laugh cause maybe we'll still be friends. and when i look back and remember all of the things i did hopefully i'll laugh and i wont wanna ram my head into a wall. i want to have a philosophical conversation. i want to ponder life and actually challenge my brain on things ... and i know you may be thinking that this isn't a hard thing to do ... but i want to do it for real for real ... not just blond moment challenges. i want to be thought of as original or kool or sumthin instead of just some girl. i want someone to find me interesting or sumthin. i find so many people interesting. i want to be interesting and engaging. i want to have conversations about things. i dont kow what things right now. something besides money and evil things. i want to have deep conversation with someone and walk away and know that the conversation meant something to that other person too. i havent had one of those in a while. not where i actually thought the person thought about the conversation afterwards, even if just for a second, to think that it was a good conversation. and i thank those people that have given me those conversations. and i thank all of the people who have made me feel like i'm worth something. you guys are what i love for. the experiences that are still to be had are to be had with you and other people i meet like u. hmmm ... well since this isnt the oscars let me stop thanking people. so i guess i'll just go about my routine. i'll keep goin to work and keep eating and maybe sleeping and doing all of those normal things that keep me alive and i guess we'll see what happens.
and that's all i have to say about that.