What's that got to do with me?
"You know, the whole damn world doesn't revolve around you."
"What? What are you-? I mean, I know that! Why would you even say that?"
"Because all you ever talk about is YOU!"
"I do not! I listen plenty! Plus, I know the world doesn't revolve around me - hell, I don't think I even COUNT in this world! In fact, thinking about myself is probably my least favorite thing - it's the best way I know of to feel like crap!"
"You don't have to be completely in love with yourself in order to lose all sight of everyone else - being in love with your own problems is more than sufficient."
"I am not in love with my problems! What are you even talking about? I wish to god that I didn't have so many problems! And I'm trying to deal with them. Why are you beating up on me like this?"
"I'm not beating up on you. I'm just - I'm just reaching my own breaking point, ok? Even when you're listening, you're not listening. And it's not even that you're thinking about what you're going to say next more than you're thinking about what I'm saying now - it's that even when we're just talking, you always bring it back around to you. I say that I had a bad day, and suddenly we're talking about your bad day. I had chicken for lunch and suddenly we're talking - again - about that time you saw that chicken actually cross a road. I try to tell you about what's really going on in my life, about my relationship and how it's killing me, and I don't know what to do about it, and we're talking about your relationship! You don't know how to relate to anybody or anything except in terms of you and your feelings and your experience and your SELF, and don't make that face at me!"
"I'm not making a face! I was just going to say-"
"You were going to say that everybody does that - that everybody sees the world through their own filter, that we all understand other people's experience by relating it to our own, right?"
"Yes, exactly! How is it so wrong for me to do that???"
"It's not wrong, it's just that it's all that you do! You don't extrapolate - you don't say 'I felt this way when X happened to me, so maybe Y would help this other person'. You just say 'Oh that reminds me of a time...' and suddenly we're back to you again! And we're hearing one more story about you. You hijack every conversation!"
"I do not!"
"The other day, when Sheila was telling us that her cousin was on life support, and they were going to have to pull the plug that day, and she was trying not to cry? She said that he'd gotten a staph infection, right?"
"Yeah, and I-"
"You started ranting about that time that you got a staph infection! You latched on to the one part of that story that related to something about you, and you ran with it. Sheila was standing there looking stunned, probably having very reasonably expected some expression of sympathy and support, and instead had to nod along with your rant."
"Well, I didn't, I mean, I don't know what to say when people say something like that. I mean, god, pulling the plug? I have no idea what that's like!"
"You don't have to know what that's like to be able to say 'Oh god, I'm so sorry to hear that'. And that's all that you needed to say. And if you didn't know what to say, you could have waited three seconds and heard me say it, and then you'd know."
"But - I do care about other people! I really do!"
"I know you do, ok? I know. But it's like, well, part of it is that you don't trust yourself, so you don't think 'I can just say that I'm sorry to hear it and it'll be good enough', so you panic, and you get anxious, and you stick with what you know, even when it's not the right thing at all! And suddenly everybody around you thinks that you can only think of yourself."
"But what about Jess? Remember when Jess was going crazy? And I listened, then - I listened really good! And I helped, right? Didn't I?"
"Yes, you did - you were amazing! But it was like you were a totally different person right then - there's no balance between that person who can hyperfocus on someone else's problem and the person who can't talk about anything other than themself. Haven't you ever thought that maybe that's why the only people you can keep as friends are the ones who always in crisis in some way or another? It's like you can pay attention if it's dramatic enough, and when you do you're great! But if people are mostly ok, or just having one or two bad things happen, and needing an ear or a shoulder, you tune out. You become a butterfly, and the only safe landing place is yourself."
"I don't know how to be any different."
"Well, you could start by asking me why I said that my relationship is killing me - that might be good".
"OK, I can do that. I promise. It'll be all about you. See, look at how well I listened to you just now! Aren't you proud of me?"
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