Parks Fic: Traveling on Nothing from Nowhere to Happiness
Title: Traveling on Nothing from Nowhere to Happiness
Pairing: Ben/Leslie
Timeline: Starts off in season 4, but goes all the way up through Halloween Surprise. So spoilers for the last ep.
Summary: Ben has been thinking about proposing to Leslie for a long time.
Author's Note: I'm not sure it would be possible not to write fic related to this episode. I hope you guys enjoy this.
One
The first time Ben ever thought of marrying Leslie Knope, he was sitting alone on a bench eating soup, and they weren't even together.
The fickleness of fantasy was not lost on him. Six months before, his mind was spinning wild scenarios where he finally got to kiss her, to take her in his arms and confess how he felt. His future consisted of counting down to that moment where he stepped over that line.
So perhaps he shouldn't have been surprised that in the brief second of his life where reality intersected his wildest dreams--where he actually got to be with Leslie--he felt grounded in the present. His life was waking up in her bed and laughing with her and mapping her body with his lips. Everything else was a hazy tomorrow; a far off, distant future to be dealt with at an indefinite date. He'd had no idea at the time how ephemeral their relationship would be; he'd had no idea when he first kissed her that he'd spend more time planning how to break up with her than believing they'd find some way to work past the obstacles in front of them.
In losing her, fantasy became perverted. His dreams betrayed him with phantom kisses so real he woke up believing she'd be there. When he was with her, he physically ached for her to the point that he would imagine saying fuck it to the world and kissing her senseless. But all alone, without distraction, that was when his mind turned darkest. Those were the moments he spun out of control.
He tortured himself with a future that would never exist. Thoughts of standing beside her at campaign events. Of holding her hand or kissing her cheek in public and knowing no one cared. Of dating her in a world without consequence, where they were just two people together and happy. Of telling her he loved her, words he'd had to fight from saying as he broke both of their hearts because it wouldn't have been fair.
And now, because the rest wasn't enough torture, he let himself go further. Sitting alone on a bench eating soup, watching summer turn to fall in a rush of color, Ben imagined marrying Leslie and tried not to cry.
Two
At Christmastime, Ben was unemployed and uncertain, his world tipped on its axis, and the only thing that made sense was Leslie. The pace at which his life had changed was dizzying, and he found himself searching for a center of gravity in an almost desperate way. Applying for jobs he didn't really want; itching for something--anything--to keep him busy during work hours.
Really, he found himself in the jewelry store almost by accident.
Three days before Christmas, the store bustled with people, and he crept through the crowd in an unassuming manner. Lies lay on the tip of his tongue because even if he did skulk over to look at engagement rings, he most decidedly was not actually looking at them and no, he was not going to purchase one. He repeated those words to himself as he stared down at a blinding display of diamonds that he knew nothing about, ready to spring them on the first salesperson that accosted him.
Still, it didn't mean he couldn't shop in his mind (and god, he could practically hear Tom's groan of disgust for just thinking those words). But it was the truth. He absolutely was not going to buy a ring today. Not when he and Leslie had only been back together for six weeks. Not when he was unemployed. Not just because he already knew that he was never, ever letting go of Leslie again for as long as he lived.
He wasn't Andy, after all.
But it didn't mean he couldn't picture it.
What the hell did people even consider when they were shopping for engagement rings? In the back of his mind, he could remember something about clarity and cut and some other C-words, but that seemed insignificant compared to practical considerations. Like Leslie's hands. Leslie had tiny hands. Leslie had tiny hands that were constantly in motion, and he couldn't imagine some cumbersomely large diamond slowing her down. But proportionate and appropriate weren't words he'd ever heard associated with an engagement ring.
He wished Ann was here. Theoretically. In a world where he was actually shopping for an engagement ring for Leslie and not just browsing.
Because that was not what he was doing. Definitely not.
He left before anyone could convince him otherwise.
Three
The day Dave went back to San Diego, Ben got in his car and drove halfway to the jewelry store before coming to his senses. No matter how much he wanted the whole world to realize that he and Leslie were together forever, there was nothing romantic about proposing in a fit of possessiveness.
Four
He kidnapped Ann while Leslie was still asleep. After days with little to no sleep leading up to the election, she'd finally fallen into a nearly comatose state, and he'd been able to get up and sneak out of the house without waking her. When he called Ann, ready to beg or bribe if necessary, he was met with instantaneous excitement, and twenty-five minutes later, they were standing in front of a counter of rings.
"Wow," Ann said, staring down at the display with as much bewilderment as Ben felt. "That is a lot of rings."
"I know, right? It's overwhelming. I really had no idea where to even start."
Ann gave him a sly grin, and irrationally, Ben felt his neck flush. "What?"
"How many times have you been here before?"
"Just once." He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "And a half. And maybe I did some online shopping."
"You've been thinking about this for awhile."
Ben shrugged sheepishly even though Ann couldn't look more pleased. She bumped his arm with her shoulder. "This is good. Better than good. Better than waffles, Leslie would say."
"Yeah?"
"Well at least on par. You know she's going to say yes, right? When are you doing it? Tonight? You're leaving tomorrow."
"Oh. No. No--I...I don't know when."
"You don't know?"
"No. I mean, I want to do it right. Not just because I'm leaving. Not...I mean--I just...I want to be ready for the right time. It...it has to be perfect." Ben shut his mouth, trying to collect himself; this was not instilling confidence in anyone.
"You know any way you propose is going to be perfect to Leslie," Ann reminded him calmly. Immediately, Ben felt his nerves steady; her mollifying presence was exactly what he needed most right now. "But a word of advice," she continued, a suddenly serious tone underlying her words. "Don't try to get cute and hide it in her whipped cream or something. You know she'll inhale it before you get a chance to ask."
"Good call."
Five
He survived the summer with phone calls, Skype and his imagination. At night, when he laid alone in his bed, longing for Leslie in a way he couldn't put into words, he let himself think of the best way to ask her. Planned elaborate speeches to which he'd finally fall asleep. Listed places that might be appropriate to get down on one knee. Dreamed of the most romantic moment.
And he continued to not actually ask her. It didn't feel right. Having her in D.C. or being back in Pawnee for the blink of an eye, he couldn't imagine putting the ring on her finger and then not staying together.
Whatever else he might have dreamed, he realized that when he asked for forever, he wanted forever to begin immediately.
Six
The funny thing about imagining something for so long was that it rarely matched up with reality. When Ben finally had the ring in his hand and knelt on the floor in front of Leslie, the moment he'd been fantasizing about for months melted away to be replaced by something so much better. Never mind that reality was a painfully hard floor and his heart beating like a jackhammer and barely being able to hold back tears; it was also Leslie crying and laughing and looking beyond beautiful, and Leslie being brilliant enough to force him to stop and savor this moment, and Leslie interrupting him before he could even get the words out because of course.
It wasn't how he pictured it--not in his wildest fantasies. But after two and a half years, Ben knew one thing with absolute certainty.
Leslie would always surpass everything he ever dreamed.