Nostalgia
Nostalgia | Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, Sungmin, Heechul
Friendship, Romance, Hurt/Comfort | PG
Love is a game that two can play and both win. Is it true? Is love just a game? Like when we were five, running around the playground with our friends, not caring about the world? One will always end up falling, crying because of the little booboo on her knees. Is that the reason why love hurts?
Is it because we’re too young and expected to commit mistakes? Is it because we were still young before, is the love I felt for you isn’t love but a mistake? Or are we just playing and I’m the one destined to always cry and get hurt in the end?
Ugh, stop crying! You’re such a girl Kyuhyunnie! You whined, keeping your voice low and hiding under the pillow, whispering to the phone in your ears, careful not to wake your mom in the next room. It’s already past 1 in the morning and you’re still on the phone with your best friend talking about the heartbreak he’s just gone through.
Fuck you, I’m not crying! And I’m not a girl! You heard him growl from the other line and couldn’t help but giggle at his hoarse-from-crying voice.
Who again called at ten in the evening ranting about how a long legged Chinese guy broke his heart into tiny little pieces, leaving him alone, broken, and broke? You asked slyly and listened as he bit back at you shouting something about some homophobic foreigner with chubby cheeks reminding you of how the boy’s face paled upon learning of your not so subtle crush on him. Not that big of a deal, really. You just needed a night to cry at Kyuhyun on the phone and you fell asleep on him.
I’m not a girl okay! Another shout and you spent another hour on the phone listening to Kyuhyun’s lecture about guys gossiping, talking about heartbreaks and everything just like what the girls do, it’s just that the girls are expected to be open about it and guys are expected not to talk about it. He said and you remember mumbling something unintelligible before dozing off to sleep.
It’s not something new. That’s why you and him became best friends anyway. Talking about heartbreaks one gloomy afternoon the day before winter break. You were both young after all and mistakes are inevitable.
He saw you crying at the school backyard, sobbing quietly in one corner, he sat beside you, a bit too close for your liking especially for someone you have merely seen for the first time, or so you thought. A mere stranger. He handed you a red handkerchief which you hesitantly took just because of the reason that you foolishly misplaced yours.
You asked him why he’s there and he smiled at you patting your head with his warm large hands. I never thought I’d see someone as miserable as I am today. He said, his voice low and breaking. He’s smiling, you’re crying but when your eyes met his, it’s like you saw everything you’ve been feeling inside you mirroring in his dark orbs. Then you found yourself smiling back. Let’s be miserable together? It’s less miserable that way.
Maybe you made a lot of mistakes in the past. And every time you realize that you are wrong, he’s always, mysteriously always there, making you feel less burdened every time he cries and admits that he too made another mistake. It’s just ridiculous how being miserable together became a lot more fun and a little bit tolerable. Maybe it just feels good knowing you’re not the only one feeling that way, or maybe the feeling of not being alone.
Ryeowook-ah! He called you one midnight and you not so silently cursed hearing him shouting from the other line, oh your poor ear drums, your poor bountiful sleep, how can this guy be so annoying so late at night, so early in the morning. But you realize that it’s him, it’s Kyuhyun, so it must be something. And there he goes crying again, but you know it’s a different kind of crying. Ryeowook-ah, he said yes… Zhoumi said yes. He whispered and you told yourself it’s better to stay late at night listening to Kyuhyun’s happy cries than to when you’re both a sobbing mess making fun of each other’s broken heart. It’s just a bit disappointing that when it comes to misery you’re both held captive but now he’s showering in bliss you’re found sleeping the night off, brushing happiness off. But it doesn’t mean you can’t be happy for him. You truly are.
And now, just in two week’s time, Kyuhyun is back with his endless rants and whine. But it’s different this time. He really loved Zhoumi, but the other just played him. Two weeks, and everything’s over.
I can’t believe him… He said, munching on his popcorns the next day he decided to come over. You just laughed at him. It’s just another heartbreak, and as expected you’ll always be there to comfort him. It’s been a few more mistakes when you decided you’ve had enough of all the chest pains and artery constrictions. Besides, you get enough chest pain whenever Kyuhyun calls you at night.
Chest pain. Just a blunt pain in your chest. That’s it and you refuse to give meaning to it. It’s just another ridiculous thing, that your chest aches but you still feel happy. Something only Kyuhyun does. Maybe because he’s your best friend. Yes, maybe that’s why.
He’s your best friend. That’s why when school started, you’re not that shocked ( but still shocked ) that he chose to sit beside you in almost all of your classes together. He eats with you during lunch, and goes home with you every dismissal with his lame excuse of having the same route home. It’s not as if it’s a bad thing. You’re best friends after all, and that’s what best friends do. You just can’t figure out what caused the change in him. He’s practically flirting with you during classes and even in front of many people.
Your heart beats a lot faster whenever he sits beside you and leans his head on your shoulder willing himself to comfortably fall asleep, his soft thick hair brushing at the sides of your neck. Everyone’s watching, and you relate your intense heart race to the stares you are given, but you could care less. You’re best friends after all, and this is normal between best friends. They look like a cute couple! One of your classmates said and you almost dropped the sleeping boy beside you when you choked on air. Couple? You thought silently but dismissed the thought when Kyuhyun pinched your sides. Oh, I’m sorry I woke you up. And the thoughts went back when he snuggled closer to you.
I can’t possibly be… in love with you… No way! Your mind told you while staring at the back of the boy sitting on the desk beside yours. The dark locks turned and your eyes caught his, smiling brightly at you. You watched as he excused himself from the group he’s currently in and sat properly by your side. What? You asked him as he just stared mysteriously at you, a meaningful smile plastered on his face and you want nothing but to punch him and crack the meaning out of that smile.
Kyuhyun! The guys from the other side of the classroom hollered at him and you’re expecting him to stand up and approach them but he just waved them off and stared right back at you. Yah, don’t fall in love with me. He told you and laughed when your cheeks turned bright red despite the denial slipping off your tongue.
You felt somewhat special. He treats you differently. You know it’s not good to expect especially when almost all of the past mistakes you made are due to expecting too much, expecting too less, and assuming. But this time you thought it’s different, because it’s Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun won’t treat you differently for no reason. It definitely has a reason. And for a while there you forgot something that you used to call yourself, those words lingering between just friends and less then lovers.
Maybe… I really am falling in love with you. You told yourself one night staring at your phone waiting for a particular someone’s name to appear on the screen. It’s become a habit now even if you have nothing to talk about. Kyuhyun would call you every midnight and you would happily answer the phone, bickering about the reason why you were fighting the night before. You would hang up when you’re pissed off but your anger melts every time he calls you again, and by the third time your phone rings after your petty fight, everything’s well again and it’s either you or him who ends up sleeping on the other.
Do you like someone right now? He suddenly blurted out after some moments of silence when you’ve ran out of topics to talk about and you’re so glad you’re on the phone so Kyuhyun can’t see the blush that decided to stay on your cheeks when he asked that question. Yeah, I think I do. Why are you even asking that! You replied and he chuckled before asking again. Have you told him, or are you going to tell him?
His voice sounded so serious despite the soft and gentle tone, and you can feel your heart banging loudly in your chest. I-I think he knows. You said, not really knowing what or how to reply and you almost sighed when he didn’t press on who it is. He didn’t ask who it is, so you assumed he knew. You assumed he knew you are in love with him.
Ryeowook-ah, where’s your boyfriend? The class chairman asks you one morning when Kyuhyun didn’t attend class. You’re worried too because he was just fine on the phone last night and didn’t mention anything about - wait. You don’t have a boy friend. And you almost smacked your head for the small smile that escaped your lips and the silly thought still running wild in your head. I-I don’t have a boyfriend. But if you’re looking for Kyuhyun, I too don’t know where he is. You replied and the chairman raised an eyebrow on you.
Oh, Kyuhyun will skip school today. Sungmin called from behind you and your eyes almost popped out of their sockets when you heard him continue. He ate something weird this morning and his stomach is a mess. The bubbly boy said and you fought hard not to glare at him. How could he possibly know something I don’t?
It’s early that night when Kyuhyun called you and you still can’t figure out how to ease the sharp pain in your heart when Sungmin told you Kyuhyun called him that morning.Wook-ah.. You heard him call for a couple of times before you answered, What is it? And you almost flinched at the coldness of your voice. Ryeowook, is there something wrong? He whispered enough for you to hear and you couldn’t help but hang up when stubborn tears slid down your cheeks.
You’re expecting him to call you back, but when your phone vibrated, your chest clenched and the pain in your heart doubled. I hope you feel better tomorrow. Just sleep it off, see yah. You read his message and spent the rest of the night staring at your ceiling tears stubbornly falling even with your eyes closed.
It was awful the next day when Kyuhyun was all over the place but he’s busy with everyone. Yes, everyone and you no longer feel special. Worse is that Sungmin had found the liking to stick with you throughout the day. He talks about Kyuhyun, asks about Kyuhyun, stares at Kyuhyun, everything about Kyuhyun when that’s the least you need at the moment.
Hyung why are you even following me?! You snapped at him when he refused to let you go to the rest room alone. I just want to be friends with you. He said in a soft voice and you regret ever shouting at him. Why so sudden? You answered, calmer now and he seemed to take that as ‘yes you can cling to me’ his hands automatically circling to your arms. Why? can’t I? He said and you just left it at that. It’s not really that important.
You knew something’s wrong when Kyuhyun called you earlier that night asking how Sungmin was. You can feel the excitement in his voice when you told him that Sungmin is adorable and it’s not hard to be friends with him. Your heart beats twice as fast when Kyuhyun hesitated before saying something that seems like really important, not because of anticipation, but because you feel like something’s going to end that night.
Ryeowookie, I’m going out with Sungmin. He told you and you’re lost for words. R-really? Was the only thing that your mind can formulate and the happiness you hear in his voice seems to mock every tiny piece of your freshly broken heart. I-is that why he’s suddenly making friends with me? You asked slowly, trying so hard not to give away your breaking voice, and in between his long chatters in which you paid no attention you some words like ‘best friend’s approval’ was stuck in your mind.
Why do you need my approval? You asked dumbly and you can hear his hearty laugh from the other line. Duh, of course! You’re my best friend! And you regret ever asking. You just felt numb. So numb that mouthing the word ‘Congratulations’ lost its meaning when it left your tongue.
Best friend. How can you ever think of the both of you more than that? Foolish. To let something as unclear as love get close to something as blur as friendship. Because you expected, you assumed too much. Your world revolved around him thinking you’re someone so special. You thought that way because you never paid attention. Your eyes are always on him but you never saw how his acts towards you are just the same as how he acts with everybody. You never paid attention, because you thought you were special.
You watch them with blank eyes as they pass colorful notes to each other in between classes. Something you never did with him, but Kyuhyun does with Sungmin. Maybe that’s what’s special you thought. You watch as Kyuhyun’s large warm hands brush at the stray black hair on Sungmin’s face. The lingering touches and stares.
Maybe that’s what is special. Something you don’t know, and you wonder how it feels like. When Kyuhyun’s lips touch Sungmin’s forehead. When Kyuhyun’s hands pull on Sungmin’s soft ones. You wonder how it feels like. You close your eyes, and there’s a slight tug in your chest. Then everything seemed to be swallowed by the darkness, and everything seemed to fade away.
Are sure you’re okay? You’re close to tears the moment you woke up in the infirmary learning that you passed out during the 3rd subject, and you have Sungmin and Kyuhyun fussing over you until the school doctor came to check up on you.
It’s mere loss of consciousness, are you possibly tired, did you get enough sleep last night? The doctor asked you questions and you just found yourself mumbling answers just to get it over with. Are you having chest pains? One question caught your interest and it took you minutes to answer, fighting back the grin that’s threatening to pull on your lips. I do have chest pains sometimes, but I don’t think it’s somewhat related. You answered and the doctor gave you s small smile. It’s still good to be sure, just in case. We never know, alright? I’m giving you request sheets for Chest Xray and ECG, but our clinic doesn’t hold that much of the equipments and I’m afraid you would have to go to an hospital for that. Don’t worry it can be done in a heartbeat no need to be admitted or anything. Don’t strain yourself, be good, got that?
I can’t possibly be having serious heart problems because I’m heartbroken! You deadpanned at the doctor the next day when you came back with the lab results. And she just laughed at you. Yes you are. But not that serious dear. It can be treated. And you are aware now that you’re heart isn’t as strong as it used to be. Don’t try to do anything rash, and if you’re having a hard time you know you can come over here and talk it out. I like it more when students come over to just talk than when they are feeling ill.
So how was it? Kyuhyun and Sungmin asked the moment you stepped back into your classroom. You smiled at how synchronized they are. Eyes both adorably wide waiting for you to answer. It was nothing. She said I’m just heartbroken. You told them and they both ended up laughing their ass off on the floor. You smile when the sharp pain in your chest kept tugging again, and you had to hold on to the table just to steady yourself. But they’re too observant, and with simple gestures like that they’re right at your nose to conclude that something must be wrong, but you just wave them off. I haven’t really gotten over it yet. You smiled at them then walked towards the last seat at the corner and buried your head in your arms.
You used to be best friends, and now you can’t help but wonder where it went. A bitter smile forming on your lips, I wanted this, didn’t I? You were the first to keep your distance. You changed seats, rarely eat with them during lunch, and you took the bus when going home. Would you blame yourself if you’re being a third party? Can you be blamed for feeling out of place?
It’s your last chance, one cold day in February, the last day of your high school years. It’s graduation day and you just had to pass out, now waking up with your diploma beside you on your bed. You thought maybe they wanted it to end that way. And you just feel a little more burdened, not having to part ways with Kyuhyun and Sungmin on nice terms. You could have asked what University they’re planning to go and make a mental note to not apply for that University. You just lost your chance.
But it’s been a year already. And when you think about it, it just sucks to know that it has been that long… too long and you’re still not over it. You missed the days when you’re miserable together with Kyuhyun, and just in a day you’ll be over that stupid guy who just broke your heart. But how can you get over it now without your partner in crime, no one to make you feel a little less miserable with his stupidity, and now you’re still suffering from a year-old heartbreak, not with Kyuhyun to get it over with, but because of Kyuhyun and his stupidity.
Looking back, you wonder what could have happened if you told him that one night when you realized that you’ve fallen for him, fallen for him, hard. Would he have fallen for you too? Have you been honest with your feelings, what could have happened?
It’s all in the past now. You told Heechul as he stares boringly at you. You are so boring Ryeowookie. He told you and you chuckled at him. What do you want me to do? Go up to them and tell him ‘Oh hi Kyuhyun, I missed you. I used to love you back when we were in high school do you still remember me?’ You told him sarcasm obvious in your voice and you just had to dodge the piece of fries he sent flying at your face.
This is why you can’t get over him. Heechul told you, all serious now. You hate it when Heechul presses on that issue. It’s been four years now and you curse at yourself for being stuck with him all those times. He’s Kyuhyun’s friend, which ended up as your classmate in the University. It’s just that one gloomy afternoon, he was there when you felt like drowning yourself with alcohol. Just ten bottles of soju and you’ve spilled all your secrets to him. Lucky you, he’s Kyuhyun’s friend. Lucky you, all your secrets are about your poor heart, and unrequited love.
I’ve completely moved on now. You stated firmly, and a smirk appeared on his face. We’ll see tomorrow at the house party. He said casually before letting the topic go.
It’s been four years since you last saw him, them. And they are still together. You wonder what’s going to happen the next day when you’ll finally see them again. Will there still be pain in your chest? It’s been so long now, but you haven’t had any love after him so it completely made sense. Besides, no one helped you in getting through it. Just your school works, alcohol, and Heechul’s teasing which made you immune to those names which used to be a taboo when you’re around.
It’s been four years. It was a tough getting over, but you got over it nonetheless. Or so you thought.
Because the moment you arrived at Heechul’s house for the house party, you can hear the loud banging in your chest, just like how it used to be when you thought Kyuhyun felt the same ay for you, when you thought you were special. And it’s not a good thing, because everything’s just a mistake. You’re very well aware of everything now. Everything’s just a game and you lost.
Ryeowook-ah you heard a familiar voice call you from behind, and he’s there smiling warmly at you. You can see the difference now. His smiles, his touch, everything’s different when it comes to Sungmin. But it doesn’t mean you’re not special anymore. His smile made you realize that. It’s been too long. I missed my best friend. He continued, inching towards you, his eyes mist with tears that refused to fall.
You’re still special, you’re his best friend. You’re still second best. But just second best.
You’re still a crybaby. Stop acting like a girl! You teased, but it’s now you who’s a sobbing mess. He hugged you, and growled when he lost the battle of not crying when his tears just strolled down his cheeks. Fuck you, I’m not a girl! He told you and all’s well again.
It could have been easier to know how a game is played before joining it. Because in a game of two wherein you compete with each other, only one wins and the other ends up crying. It’s the game Kyuhyun and you played. When all this time you thought you’re playing with him, it turned out you’re playing against him. And you lost.
But love is a game only meant for two. You made a mistake trying to join a game even when there’s no space left for you.
Should we get going now? You asked after almost an hour of talking and catching up, when Sungmin appeared in the doorway and Heechul’s been stressed out now because people already started piling up in his beautiful garden. Kyuhyun gave you a smile and walked towards Sungmin, giving him a small peck in the lips. There’s still a small tug in your chest, but it’s not as painful as how it was before. You gave Sungmin a long tight hug and you felt a huge burden being lifted off your shoulders. You can’t imagine what kind of a person were you before to find the heart to hate someone as adorable as him. You’re fully aware of that now.
I think I’ll leave you two now. You told them with a smile and giggled when Sungmin asked you where you’re going. I think I still have a game to play, besides i made someone wait for too long already. You said before heading out to the garden, giggling when you found who you’re looking for, stuck with a very emotional Donghae. And actually, in those drunken nights of ten knocked out bottles of soju, you can remember Heechul murmuring something about Ryeowookie and I love you, being in the same sentence. You smile at the memory of that.
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i couldn't say that in my lifetime I've loved only you.
a/n:
I somewhat hate this fic. it's all angeline's fault.
It's boring :| even i got bored while writing this. I don't even know why i wrote this.
Nostalgia because... some... or most of the parts are... nostalgic for me XD
Oh! and about the broken hearted thingy... i read articles before that says being broken hearted can really break your heart XD sounds legit to me. lol kidding XD
Ugh it's boring. i don't even want to proof read. lol. sorry bout the mistakes and typos. :D
And jsyk... Heewook is my OTP. (Kyuwook is next...)
Hehehe ily all. XD