Disambiguation : A Stellar Explosion
Disambiguation : A Stellar Explosion
Heechul, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun
PG | Friendship, Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
warning : supernova.
( When a supernova is brighter than the sun, but the star disappears and the sun remains. )
The digital clock propped on the nightstand blinks 2:15AM as Heechul took in finally a sharp breath feeling his painful stomach tame a little. He would have to fall asleep soon before Ryeowook wakes him up for breakfast. The mere thought of that makes all the pain go away and he leans down slowly, quietly to the boy sleeping practically draped over him to place a soft peck on the sleeping boy’s lips. A heartbeat away he halted and closed his eyes pulling his head up.
Kim Heechul maybe one of the few persons who would make sense even if his sense is out of line. Not just intelligent but wise, has his own beliefs and has provided more than enough reasons for such. But there are just things that you just can’t explain and no matter how important it is you just can’t find a reason why it exists. The more you give it a reason, the less sense it makes. Just like God. Kim Heechul doesn’t believe in God for the reason that he is just an image of the highest being so that useless people has someone to blame for their misfortunes, they have someone to pray for their lack of whatso, but when they are happy they forget they ever had that god, when they realize that if they do what they can and give their best they can always be happy. In the end they will realize it’s just all about themselves.
But it’s different when it comes to love. And Kim Heechul admits he’s a fool for falling in love with someone when he isn’t allowed to. Love is just as same. He can say he fell in love upon hearing his voice for the first time. He can say he fell in love when he saw that smile for the first time. Or he can say that he’s been loving him all along, because he’s there. But what happens if he can’t talk anymore, what happens if he can’t smile anymore, what happens if he isn’t there anymore? Will you stop loving? So apparently, no. That’s why it doesn’t make sense. And Kim Heechul is a fool for believing in something that doesn’t make sense.
“Hyung, hyung.” He heard that beautiful voice and cursed silently when the thought dawned into him. It’s already morning and it felt like he just closed his eyes. Opening his eyes slowly, his heart ached for the millionth time waking up with wide brown eyes staring lovingly at him. “Hyung, good morning!”
“Good morning, Ryeowook-ah.” He said, ruffling the other’s soft hair. He let himself be pulled off the bed and awkwardly pushed to the rest room. Chuckling softly to Ryeowook’s antics but frowning when he glanced at the wall clock inside the restroom saying it’s already 8:30. “Wookie-ah, you woke up late today?”
“Hm? Oh, no. Not really hyung. I told you yesterday right? We’re going to meet Kyuhyun for breakfast. So faster, wash up now. I’m hungry.” The younger said and he chuckled when he whined.
“So we’re finally going to meet your boyfriend.” Heechul shouted from inside the shower and his heart ached more when he heard something fall and there’s a low groan of pain, so that must be Ryeowook who fell. “About time, actually.”
“Hyung he’s not my boyfriend. Just a… good friend. Besides, he already has a lover.” Ryeowook said softly and Heechul found himself smiling.
Heechul may not be the kindest of all people. He has an outgoing personality and tactless mouth. He is extremely talkative but everything he says makes sense and he’s not talking just to appear wise. He actually has something to say that’s why he’s talking. On the other hand Ryeowook is a shy man, always smiling and would rather agree than to argue. But one fateful night, who knew what a glass of liquor could do?
“I don’t want to grow old full of wrinkles and saggy skin. You can dye your hair but once it grows, that grey strand will always comeback mocking you. I’d rather die young.” Heechul said to the crowd of people around him in a party Choi Siwon organized, saying people should meet and have fun when they have a chance.
“So ludicrous.” Someone from the other side said and Heechul stopped talking. The people who knew how Heechul can be carefully made their way out of the circle to find a peaceful place in the crowded house. Some just felt something weird and kept a distance while Heechul slowly made his way to the one he heard say that.
“H-hyung. He’s just drunk. I’m sure he didn’t mean to say that.” Sungmin said from beside that person but Heechul just shrugged at him.
“Really? Am I?” Heechul sat in front of the petite young man playing with the ice in his glass. It’s the first time someone called him a fool. Well not directly, but it means the same right? And there got to be a reason for it. He needs a reason why this man thinks of him like that because he’s not foolish just like everybody else.
“Oh, no not you. Just that idea.” The young man said and giggled that not so surprisingly high pitched laugh. In normal circumstances Heechul would feel offended, annoyed, but it’s not the case. He found himself smiling at the giggling boy in front of him.
“Why do you think so? I think it’s reasonable enough. Who would want to grow old and die ugly?” He said snatching the empty glass on the other’s hand and handling him a glass of juice. He smiled when the other took it and happily took a sip.
“I do!” He said too enthusiastically and Heechul wondered if he actually gave the man an alcoholic drink instead of plain juice. “Because you know. If you have someone to spend time with, you would want to have more time. You will wish you have 25 hours in a day, 70 minutes in an hour. Things like that. You wouldn’t have time thinking about wrinkles and saggy skin. You would rather spend your time staring at him rather than waste your time dyeing your grey hair black.”
“I know.” Heechul whispered, and the other looked at him, lost for words. “But I want to pretend the world is not like that.” He continued. He knows it all too well. He dreamt of living peacefully on a small town in the countryside, staring at the bright wide sky with the one he loves. He wouldn’t care about his grey hair because by that time both of them would be sporting grey hairs anyway. He wouldn’t think of wrinkles as ugly because every line and every crease would represent a beautiful memory they shared together. He dreamt of those things. But pretended not to because he simply can’t.
“Then let’s grow ugly together, hyung.” The other said and when he looked up, the young man he doesn’t even bother asking the name is smiling at him and his heart ached painfully. Because he smiled back and held the other’s hand. Because he gave in one time, he opened his heart and he knows he’ll be asking for more. And he knows he can’t.
“Hello, I’m Cho Kyuhyun.” A tall and a bit lanky guy bowed at them when they reached a table in one of their favorite restaurant. And this guy is Ryeowook’s special friend. Heechul thinks he must be special.
“Kim Heechul. Nice to meet you.” Heechul extended his hand and the other shook it lightly.
“Hyung, Kyuhyun is my friend from my previous work. He helped me a lot.” Ryeowook said as the waiter arrived and took their orders. It’s awkward of course. Well at least for Heechul and Kyuhyun. Ryeowook seems to be oblivious of that. Ryeowook hummed a song while scanning the menu and the other two smiled unconsciously. They caught each other’s eyes and stared for a while before they burst in a fit of laughter. Ryeowook just eyed them both before ordering for himself and for the other two.
“You are both so alike. I just knew you would like each other.” Ryeowook said playing with the table napkin draped on his lap with a small smile on his lips.
“Really?” Kyuhyun said and Heechul watched as the two played with their table napkins folding them into various shapes and insisting that it looks like something. Heechul watched how Kyuhyun’s eyes would smile despite the smirk on his lips every time he teases Ryeowook. He noticed how Ryeowook’s smile would change when Kyuhyun teases him. He implanted on his memory how good it sounds when Kyuhyun and Ryeowook’s laughters blend together just like a harmony.
“You look so good together.” Heechul said, smiling fondly at them. He saw it but he pretended not to see when Ryeowook’s smile dropped a little and turned into a sad smile. Instead he focused on Kyuhyun’s bright red ears and right then he knew he’s absolutely right.
“Hyung…” Ryeowook said and Heechul just smiled at him. Once again he wished Heechul would stop. Once again he wished Heechul would stop ignoring him. Because it hurts so much. When the one he loves knows and still pretend not to see, still pretends not to feel no matter how much he tried to get his feelings crossed.
He wished Heechul would stop pretending. Just like that one night when Ryeowook confessed, and Heechul pretended not to hear. That another night when Heechul thought he was asleep and kissed him on the lips, but the next day he pretended like nothing happened. Just like that one drunken night and Heechul said he loves him too, but the next day he pretended not to remember anything.
He wished Heechul would stop pretending, but he won’t. So Ryeowook found himself smiling. Pretending it’s not hurting.
“He’s a senior at work. But he’s just too kind people easily take advantage of him. I just thought I had to look over him.” Kyuhyun told Heechul and both of them chuckled while the waiter placed their food on the table. Ryeowook knows Heechul can be comfortable even to strangers but he’s acting too friendly with Kyuhyun. And he knows something must be up with the two. Or maybe Ryeowook is just thinking too much into things. Maybe it’s just because they are so alike.
Ryeowook started eating and stopped thinking when Heechul and Kyuhyun stole from his food. He would stop thinking for now, because this day will be an extraordinary one.
“Should I send you back to 1st grade?” Heechul said and Kyuhyun watched as his hand reached out to wipe the ketchup on Ryeowook’s cheeks.
“I’m not always like that! Maybe it just slipped.” Ryeowook said as he picked on his food. Heechul gave an amused laugh knowing how Ryeowook really is at home. Kyuhyun also laughed making the smaller guy roll his eyes at the two. They were having fun when suddenly Ryeowook choke on the tea that he’s drinking and spilled it on his pants.
“Ah, you’re such a baby!” Heechul said standing up and dabbing his napkin on Ryeowook’s lap. Kyuhyun just laughed and Ryeowook gave him along suffering look.
“I think I should go to the rest room.” Ryeowook pouted at Heechul who was trying so hard not to laugh.
“You’re like his mother.” Kyuhyun told Heechul with a smile when Ryeowook turned the corner.
“Well, it’s not all bad.” Came Heechul’s reply with a shrug.
“You love him don’t you?” Kyuhyun suddenly blurted out and Heechul’s smile turned into an unreadable smirk. He doesn’t know if it’s good or bad, and he’s blaming his uncontrollable mouth for asking that to someone he barely knew but he’s already at it. If his guess is right, Heechul won’t take it badly.
“You do too.” Said the older, and Kyuhun was shocked more when Heechul didn’t deny it. “He said you already have a lover. Why did you lie?”
“I do have a lover.” Kyuhyun said with a soft smile, not really denying Heechul’s accusation. “He’s the only one in my eyes. I cherish him so much that I have to hide so he doesn’t know. I love him so much he doesn’t need to know. I don’t want to let him go.”
Heechul just stared at him. They really are so alike. But he envies the other. If he’s given even half of the time he’s supposed to get he’d be more than happy and spend it wisely. He would want to spend it with Ryeowook as a lover and not just a friend, a brother. He would maximize all his time and would even be on his knees to ask for one more minute. But he knew his limitations and he knew he just couldn’t.
“He loves you too.” Kyuhyun said and Heechul closed his eyes feeling that familiar pain prick on his heart.
“I know.” He whispered, and Kyuhyun is lost for words. “But he wants to grow old with the person he loves. He wants them both to have wrinkles, saggy skin and grey hair. He wants to grow ugly with the one he loves. And that can’t be me. Even though I want to. That can’t be me.”
“You should promise me, kid. You’d be ugly with him. I would want to join you but I’m afraid I love myself so much I can’t tolerate being ugly. So I’ll just settle with watching you both grow old and wrinkly skin, with grey hair and I hope you’d get yourselves dentures because I don’t want to watch you two smiling toothless. I would settle with watching you two from a place where I don’t grow ugly.” Heechul continued and even before Kyuhyun could ask what he meant, Ryeowook’s already back, talking to Heechul about buying him some pants after their breakfast.
Ryeowook loves Heechul, and Heechul loves him too but they pretend they don’t. They pretend they’re just normal friends and it irks Kyuhyun the most. Knowing that the one you love loves you back but you don’t do anything. That’s the most foolish thing Kyuhyun has heard.
“Why.” Kyuhun whispered to Heechul while they watch Ryeowook pay the pants he bought.
“It’s enough for me. Knowing that he felt the same way.” The elder said smiling at him. “I don’t deserve more than that. And I know someone who does.” He continued and patted Kyuhyun’s cheeks before strolling off to where Ryeowook is.
And seconds later Heechul crumpled on the floor halfway to his destination. Ryeowook was crying and Kyuhyun just stared. He knew what’s going on and he pretended he didn’t.
“Siwon hyung… I should call Siwon hyung.”
It’s been a month since Heechul and Kyuhyun met. It’s been a month since Kyuhyun saw Heechul crumpled on the floor. It’s been a month since Heechul went missing.
“What do you mean? Who’s Siwon?” Kyuhyun asked from the couch watching the now so thin and restless Ryeowook emerge from the kitchen.
“Heechul hyung and Siwon hyung are friends even before we met. He must know where Heechul hyung is.” Ryeowook murmured while punching in some numbers on his phone.
Kyuhyun watched him as he spoke on the phone, distress can clearly be heard in his voice. He wondered if Ryeowook would act the same way if he disappeared. He wondered if Ryeowook would act even half of how he was the past month if Kyuhyun disappeared. But he can’t. He can’t leave. He promised Heechul, and he promised himself.
“Incheon.” Ryeowook said. And he was being pulled into his feet one moment. “Siwon hyung said Heechul hyung’s sister lives in Incheon.”
“Do you know where exactly?” Kyuhyun whispered and he watched as Ryeowook shook his head no. “I’ll drive.”
Kyuhyun took a deep breath and watched Ryeowook ran towards the car. He watched him fumble with the key in his hand. He watched him pull the seatbelt over him. He watched as his every breath speaks Heechul. And he was glad he couldn’t hear his heartbeat. He promised. And it’s about time.
Kyuhyun parked his car in front of a huge house and waited for some minutes to pass before waking up the finally rested Ryeowook beside him.
Ryeowook woke up to a familiar environment being back to his hometown. He stared at Kyuhyun for a while before his eyes darted to the big white house in front of them. There at the huge gate beams Kim Residence. And it took him some more minutes before tears started falling down his cheeks.
“You knew.” He said and Kyuhyun remained silent. “All this time I was searching. I was searching like a fool I almost lost my mind. You knew and didn’t tell me.” He was angry. Yes, but he just can’t bring himself to lash out at Kyuhyun. He wiped his face almost forcefully and Kyuhyun almost winced. One moment, he’s out of the car, not even looking back to close the door he left wide open, and pressing his delicate fingers impatiently on the intercom.
Kyuhyun watched him as he talked his way to into the house when he received a call.
“You’re dead, kid. I hate you so fucking much. Come in.” A soft, weak voice said and he didn’t even bother to answer before hanging up and going out of the car.
He walked towards Ryeowook and pressed a button on the side of the pillar and the smaller gate at the side opened.
He walked in, not really waiting for Ryeowook because he knows he’d be following. Not to follow him like it’s the most common thing in the world. But because Heechul is there. Ryeowook follows him because he knows where Heechul is. And it almost broke his heart. Almost.
They stopped in front of a white door on the 2nd floor of the house. Kyuhyun moved to the side and watched as Ryeowook raised a trembling hand to the doorknob. Kyuhyun watched as Ryeowook took shaky steps towards the huge bed in the middle of a white room. Kyuhyun watched Ryeowook fall to pieces.
And Kyuhyun walked past him.
He walked past Ryeowook and sat slowly on the bed, smiling softly.
“I am going to kill you Kyuhyun.” A weak voice said and Kyuhyun laughed.
“Sure. Take me with you hyung.” He said and a weak slap landed on his arm.
Ryeowook watched wide eyed as Heechul’s pale lips say something to Kyuhyun. He watched as thin pale arms rested on Kyuhyun’s lap. He watched as tired cold eyes landed on his. He watched, and he died inside.
“It’s not all about you.” He heard Kyuhyun say, and he slowly rose up to his feet, trying to steady his already damaged gait.
“Hyung…” His voice broke before he could even say anything, and he pretended not to hurt. “Hyung you made a promise to grow ugly together. You’re so unfair.” He said, wiping the stubborn tears that continue to fall down his cheeks. “You promised.”
Heechul laughs.
And Kyuhyun’s heart breaks.
“I’m still young, but I’m already this ugly. I don’t want to be uglier than how I am now.” Heechul said, chuckling.
“Yeah. So ugly.” Kyuhyun said poking Heechul’s cheeks and the elder glared at him, or attempted to.
“During the time when I was with you, I wished there are 25 hours in a day. I wished there are 70 minutes in an hour. I wished there’s a bonus of even one day for every lifetime. But as much as I wanted to, I don’t own time. And time won’t wait for me. The world won’t stop revolving for me. My breath would end and you’d be breathing in the last breath I let out. My heart would stop beating but yours will go on and on. It may skip a beat and that’s all I can get. And I am happy with just that.” Heechul said, wiping Ryeowook’s unconsciously fallen tears with his cold thin fingers.
“Why do you have to be so selfless hyung. I would have given you all of my heart.” Ryeowook said with a chuckle as he held onto Heechul’s hand and Kyuhyun snorted on the other side of the bed.
“But I’m not worth it. I’m happy with the love I got. It’s enough love for my lifetime. You know all I can do is willingly die for you.” Heechul said and paused, his face contorting into something that says pain and Kyuhyun is fast to get close to him asking him where it hurts.
“You need someone who’s not only willing to die for you, but who can live for you too.”
He said weakly with a smile, his eyes settled on Kyuhyun’s worried face.
“It could have been better if we can make fun of Heechul hyung’s wrinkled old face. I would dye his grey hair pink and he’ll get mad at me. But I wouldn’t care.” Ryeowook said staring at the stars that decided to show up that night.
“You can dye my grey hair pink and I won’t get mad at you.” Kyuhyun said from beside him staring at the cold grass beneath them. “I promised to grow old and ugly with you, but I think you’ll be the only one getting ugly. I can grow old and all wrinkly but I am positive I’ll still be handsome. Don’t worry though, I’ll still love you.”
Ryeowook laughed that high pitched laugh and smacked Kyuhyun hard on the head.
“Ow! I think I’m seeing Heechul hyung flying all around me!”Kyuhyun whined while rubbing his head and Ryeowook laughed harder.
“I love looking at the stars. It’s like Heechul hyung’s cold dark eyes staring at me.” Ryeowook said after a while. “I think Heechul hyung is like a star. He’s always there, shining down at us. The sun may rise but it doesn’t mean he’s gone somewhere else. It’s just that the sun shines brighter than the stars it lights up the whole sky, but when the sun sets, at the end of the day, he’ll always be there. Right back at where he was before. Right here.” Ryeowook lifted up his hand and placed it over his heart.
“Does that mean I’m the sun? Do I give sunshine in your life?” Kyuhyun beamed at him and Ryeowook found himself laughing again.
“Yes you are. Your arrogance burns me.” Ryeowook told him but the smile on Kyuhyun’s face didn’t falter. “I’m glad I found you. Now I wouldn’t need to beg for heat from a cold far star.”
------------------------------------------------------------------
Until someone else to watch over her in my place arrives
I’ll stay by her side for the time being
Because this is a love where I’m just happy to gaze at her
I don’t need anything in return
-Song for a fool
a/n:
oh my. what is this O_O? but i like this. i just broke my otp!
yay! i finally wrote something i like. hehe just that when i'm sick, i am more likable and i like everything *3*
kyuwookhee is my ot3 :D well actually...i ship everyone with everybody so it doesn't really matter :(
if you wanna know what heechul's sickness is, i was thinking of Colorectal cancer stage 3c which progressed to stage 4, terminal. but it doesn't really matter. lol
i based Heewook's broken story in Park Sangwoo's Song for a Fool, and Kyuwook's story from Lee Eunmi's I Have a Lover ( i like Taeyeon's version more >/////< )
head hurts now. please forgive me for typos and my grammar. ;A; i'll fix it when im done fixing my life. lol <333
Heechul, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun
PG | Friendship, Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
warning : supernova.
( When a supernova is brighter than the sun, but the star disappears and the sun remains. )
The digital clock propped on the nightstand blinks 2:15AM as Heechul took in finally a sharp breath feeling his painful stomach tame a little. He would have to fall asleep soon before Ryeowook wakes him up for breakfast. The mere thought of that makes all the pain go away and he leans down slowly, quietly to the boy sleeping practically draped over him to place a soft peck on the sleeping boy’s lips. A heartbeat away he halted and closed his eyes pulling his head up.
Kim Heechul maybe one of the few persons who would make sense even if his sense is out of line. Not just intelligent but wise, has his own beliefs and has provided more than enough reasons for such. But there are just things that you just can’t explain and no matter how important it is you just can’t find a reason why it exists. The more you give it a reason, the less sense it makes. Just like God. Kim Heechul doesn’t believe in God for the reason that he is just an image of the highest being so that useless people has someone to blame for their misfortunes, they have someone to pray for their lack of whatso, but when they are happy they forget they ever had that god, when they realize that if they do what they can and give their best they can always be happy. In the end they will realize it’s just all about themselves.
But it’s different when it comes to love. And Kim Heechul admits he’s a fool for falling in love with someone when he isn’t allowed to. Love is just as same. He can say he fell in love upon hearing his voice for the first time. He can say he fell in love when he saw that smile for the first time. Or he can say that he’s been loving him all along, because he’s there. But what happens if he can’t talk anymore, what happens if he can’t smile anymore, what happens if he isn’t there anymore? Will you stop loving? So apparently, no. That’s why it doesn’t make sense. And Kim Heechul is a fool for believing in something that doesn’t make sense.
“Hyung, hyung.” He heard that beautiful voice and cursed silently when the thought dawned into him. It’s already morning and it felt like he just closed his eyes. Opening his eyes slowly, his heart ached for the millionth time waking up with wide brown eyes staring lovingly at him. “Hyung, good morning!”
“Good morning, Ryeowook-ah.” He said, ruffling the other’s soft hair. He let himself be pulled off the bed and awkwardly pushed to the rest room. Chuckling softly to Ryeowook’s antics but frowning when he glanced at the wall clock inside the restroom saying it’s already 8:30. “Wookie-ah, you woke up late today?”
“Hm? Oh, no. Not really hyung. I told you yesterday right? We’re going to meet Kyuhyun for breakfast. So faster, wash up now. I’m hungry.” The younger said and he chuckled when he whined.
“So we’re finally going to meet your boyfriend.” Heechul shouted from inside the shower and his heart ached more when he heard something fall and there’s a low groan of pain, so that must be Ryeowook who fell. “About time, actually.”
“Hyung he’s not my boyfriend. Just a… good friend. Besides, he already has a lover.” Ryeowook said softly and Heechul found himself smiling.
Heechul may not be the kindest of all people. He has an outgoing personality and tactless mouth. He is extremely talkative but everything he says makes sense and he’s not talking just to appear wise. He actually has something to say that’s why he’s talking. On the other hand Ryeowook is a shy man, always smiling and would rather agree than to argue. But one fateful night, who knew what a glass of liquor could do?
“I don’t want to grow old full of wrinkles and saggy skin. You can dye your hair but once it grows, that grey strand will always comeback mocking you. I’d rather die young.” Heechul said to the crowd of people around him in a party Choi Siwon organized, saying people should meet and have fun when they have a chance.
“So ludicrous.” Someone from the other side said and Heechul stopped talking. The people who knew how Heechul can be carefully made their way out of the circle to find a peaceful place in the crowded house. Some just felt something weird and kept a distance while Heechul slowly made his way to the one he heard say that.
“H-hyung. He’s just drunk. I’m sure he didn’t mean to say that.” Sungmin said from beside that person but Heechul just shrugged at him.
“Really? Am I?” Heechul sat in front of the petite young man playing with the ice in his glass. It’s the first time someone called him a fool. Well not directly, but it means the same right? And there got to be a reason for it. He needs a reason why this man thinks of him like that because he’s not foolish just like everybody else.
“Oh, no not you. Just that idea.” The young man said and giggled that not so surprisingly high pitched laugh. In normal circumstances Heechul would feel offended, annoyed, but it’s not the case. He found himself smiling at the giggling boy in front of him.
“Why do you think so? I think it’s reasonable enough. Who would want to grow old and die ugly?” He said snatching the empty glass on the other’s hand and handling him a glass of juice. He smiled when the other took it and happily took a sip.
“I do!” He said too enthusiastically and Heechul wondered if he actually gave the man an alcoholic drink instead of plain juice. “Because you know. If you have someone to spend time with, you would want to have more time. You will wish you have 25 hours in a day, 70 minutes in an hour. Things like that. You wouldn’t have time thinking about wrinkles and saggy skin. You would rather spend your time staring at him rather than waste your time dyeing your grey hair black.”
“I know.” Heechul whispered, and the other looked at him, lost for words. “But I want to pretend the world is not like that.” He continued. He knows it all too well. He dreamt of living peacefully on a small town in the countryside, staring at the bright wide sky with the one he loves. He wouldn’t care about his grey hair because by that time both of them would be sporting grey hairs anyway. He wouldn’t think of wrinkles as ugly because every line and every crease would represent a beautiful memory they shared together. He dreamt of those things. But pretended not to because he simply can’t.
“Then let’s grow ugly together, hyung.” The other said and when he looked up, the young man he doesn’t even bother asking the name is smiling at him and his heart ached painfully. Because he smiled back and held the other’s hand. Because he gave in one time, he opened his heart and he knows he’ll be asking for more. And he knows he can’t.
“Hello, I’m Cho Kyuhyun.” A tall and a bit lanky guy bowed at them when they reached a table in one of their favorite restaurant. And this guy is Ryeowook’s special friend. Heechul thinks he must be special.
“Kim Heechul. Nice to meet you.” Heechul extended his hand and the other shook it lightly.
“Hyung, Kyuhyun is my friend from my previous work. He helped me a lot.” Ryeowook said as the waiter arrived and took their orders. It’s awkward of course. Well at least for Heechul and Kyuhyun. Ryeowook seems to be oblivious of that. Ryeowook hummed a song while scanning the menu and the other two smiled unconsciously. They caught each other’s eyes and stared for a while before they burst in a fit of laughter. Ryeowook just eyed them both before ordering for himself and for the other two.
“You are both so alike. I just knew you would like each other.” Ryeowook said playing with the table napkin draped on his lap with a small smile on his lips.
“Really?” Kyuhyun said and Heechul watched as the two played with their table napkins folding them into various shapes and insisting that it looks like something. Heechul watched how Kyuhyun’s eyes would smile despite the smirk on his lips every time he teases Ryeowook. He noticed how Ryeowook’s smile would change when Kyuhyun teases him. He implanted on his memory how good it sounds when Kyuhyun and Ryeowook’s laughters blend together just like a harmony.
“You look so good together.” Heechul said, smiling fondly at them. He saw it but he pretended not to see when Ryeowook’s smile dropped a little and turned into a sad smile. Instead he focused on Kyuhyun’s bright red ears and right then he knew he’s absolutely right.
“Hyung…” Ryeowook said and Heechul just smiled at him. Once again he wished Heechul would stop. Once again he wished Heechul would stop ignoring him. Because it hurts so much. When the one he loves knows and still pretend not to see, still pretends not to feel no matter how much he tried to get his feelings crossed.
He wished Heechul would stop pretending. Just like that one night when Ryeowook confessed, and Heechul pretended not to hear. That another night when Heechul thought he was asleep and kissed him on the lips, but the next day he pretended like nothing happened. Just like that one drunken night and Heechul said he loves him too, but the next day he pretended not to remember anything.
He wished Heechul would stop pretending, but he won’t. So Ryeowook found himself smiling. Pretending it’s not hurting.
“He’s a senior at work. But he’s just too kind people easily take advantage of him. I just thought I had to look over him.” Kyuhyun told Heechul and both of them chuckled while the waiter placed their food on the table. Ryeowook knows Heechul can be comfortable even to strangers but he’s acting too friendly with Kyuhyun. And he knows something must be up with the two. Or maybe Ryeowook is just thinking too much into things. Maybe it’s just because they are so alike.
Ryeowook started eating and stopped thinking when Heechul and Kyuhyun stole from his food. He would stop thinking for now, because this day will be an extraordinary one.
“Should I send you back to 1st grade?” Heechul said and Kyuhyun watched as his hand reached out to wipe the ketchup on Ryeowook’s cheeks.
“I’m not always like that! Maybe it just slipped.” Ryeowook said as he picked on his food. Heechul gave an amused laugh knowing how Ryeowook really is at home. Kyuhyun also laughed making the smaller guy roll his eyes at the two. They were having fun when suddenly Ryeowook choke on the tea that he’s drinking and spilled it on his pants.
“Ah, you’re such a baby!” Heechul said standing up and dabbing his napkin on Ryeowook’s lap. Kyuhyun just laughed and Ryeowook gave him along suffering look.
“I think I should go to the rest room.” Ryeowook pouted at Heechul who was trying so hard not to laugh.
“You’re like his mother.” Kyuhyun told Heechul with a smile when Ryeowook turned the corner.
“Well, it’s not all bad.” Came Heechul’s reply with a shrug.
“You love him don’t you?” Kyuhyun suddenly blurted out and Heechul’s smile turned into an unreadable smirk. He doesn’t know if it’s good or bad, and he’s blaming his uncontrollable mouth for asking that to someone he barely knew but he’s already at it. If his guess is right, Heechul won’t take it badly.
“You do too.” Said the older, and Kyuhun was shocked more when Heechul didn’t deny it. “He said you already have a lover. Why did you lie?”
“I do have a lover.” Kyuhyun said with a soft smile, not really denying Heechul’s accusation. “He’s the only one in my eyes. I cherish him so much that I have to hide so he doesn’t know. I love him so much he doesn’t need to know. I don’t want to let him go.”
Heechul just stared at him. They really are so alike. But he envies the other. If he’s given even half of the time he’s supposed to get he’d be more than happy and spend it wisely. He would want to spend it with Ryeowook as a lover and not just a friend, a brother. He would maximize all his time and would even be on his knees to ask for one more minute. But he knew his limitations and he knew he just couldn’t.
“He loves you too.” Kyuhyun said and Heechul closed his eyes feeling that familiar pain prick on his heart.
“I know.” He whispered, and Kyuhyun is lost for words. “But he wants to grow old with the person he loves. He wants them both to have wrinkles, saggy skin and grey hair. He wants to grow ugly with the one he loves. And that can’t be me. Even though I want to. That can’t be me.”
“You should promise me, kid. You’d be ugly with him. I would want to join you but I’m afraid I love myself so much I can’t tolerate being ugly. So I’ll just settle with watching you both grow old and wrinkly skin, with grey hair and I hope you’d get yourselves dentures because I don’t want to watch you two smiling toothless. I would settle with watching you two from a place where I don’t grow ugly.” Heechul continued and even before Kyuhyun could ask what he meant, Ryeowook’s already back, talking to Heechul about buying him some pants after their breakfast.
Ryeowook loves Heechul, and Heechul loves him too but they pretend they don’t. They pretend they’re just normal friends and it irks Kyuhyun the most. Knowing that the one you love loves you back but you don’t do anything. That’s the most foolish thing Kyuhyun has heard.
“Why.” Kyuhun whispered to Heechul while they watch Ryeowook pay the pants he bought.
“It’s enough for me. Knowing that he felt the same way.” The elder said smiling at him. “I don’t deserve more than that. And I know someone who does.” He continued and patted Kyuhyun’s cheeks before strolling off to where Ryeowook is.
And seconds later Heechul crumpled on the floor halfway to his destination. Ryeowook was crying and Kyuhyun just stared. He knew what’s going on and he pretended he didn’t.
“Siwon hyung… I should call Siwon hyung.”
It’s been a month since Heechul and Kyuhyun met. It’s been a month since Kyuhyun saw Heechul crumpled on the floor. It’s been a month since Heechul went missing.
“What do you mean? Who’s Siwon?” Kyuhyun asked from the couch watching the now so thin and restless Ryeowook emerge from the kitchen.
“Heechul hyung and Siwon hyung are friends even before we met. He must know where Heechul hyung is.” Ryeowook murmured while punching in some numbers on his phone.
Kyuhyun watched him as he spoke on the phone, distress can clearly be heard in his voice. He wondered if Ryeowook would act the same way if he disappeared. He wondered if Ryeowook would act even half of how he was the past month if Kyuhyun disappeared. But he can’t. He can’t leave. He promised Heechul, and he promised himself.
“Incheon.” Ryeowook said. And he was being pulled into his feet one moment. “Siwon hyung said Heechul hyung’s sister lives in Incheon.”
“Do you know where exactly?” Kyuhyun whispered and he watched as Ryeowook shook his head no. “I’ll drive.”
Kyuhyun took a deep breath and watched Ryeowook ran towards the car. He watched him fumble with the key in his hand. He watched him pull the seatbelt over him. He watched as his every breath speaks Heechul. And he was glad he couldn’t hear his heartbeat. He promised. And it’s about time.
Kyuhyun parked his car in front of a huge house and waited for some minutes to pass before waking up the finally rested Ryeowook beside him.
Ryeowook woke up to a familiar environment being back to his hometown. He stared at Kyuhyun for a while before his eyes darted to the big white house in front of them. There at the huge gate beams Kim Residence. And it took him some more minutes before tears started falling down his cheeks.
“You knew.” He said and Kyuhyun remained silent. “All this time I was searching. I was searching like a fool I almost lost my mind. You knew and didn’t tell me.” He was angry. Yes, but he just can’t bring himself to lash out at Kyuhyun. He wiped his face almost forcefully and Kyuhyun almost winced. One moment, he’s out of the car, not even looking back to close the door he left wide open, and pressing his delicate fingers impatiently on the intercom.
Kyuhyun watched him as he talked his way to into the house when he received a call.
“You’re dead, kid. I hate you so fucking much. Come in.” A soft, weak voice said and he didn’t even bother to answer before hanging up and going out of the car.
He walked towards Ryeowook and pressed a button on the side of the pillar and the smaller gate at the side opened.
He walked in, not really waiting for Ryeowook because he knows he’d be following. Not to follow him like it’s the most common thing in the world. But because Heechul is there. Ryeowook follows him because he knows where Heechul is. And it almost broke his heart. Almost.
They stopped in front of a white door on the 2nd floor of the house. Kyuhyun moved to the side and watched as Ryeowook raised a trembling hand to the doorknob. Kyuhyun watched as Ryeowook took shaky steps towards the huge bed in the middle of a white room. Kyuhyun watched Ryeowook fall to pieces.
And Kyuhyun walked past him.
He walked past Ryeowook and sat slowly on the bed, smiling softly.
“I am going to kill you Kyuhyun.” A weak voice said and Kyuhyun laughed.
“Sure. Take me with you hyung.” He said and a weak slap landed on his arm.
Ryeowook watched wide eyed as Heechul’s pale lips say something to Kyuhyun. He watched as thin pale arms rested on Kyuhyun’s lap. He watched as tired cold eyes landed on his. He watched, and he died inside.
“It’s not all about you.” He heard Kyuhyun say, and he slowly rose up to his feet, trying to steady his already damaged gait.
“Hyung…” His voice broke before he could even say anything, and he pretended not to hurt. “Hyung you made a promise to grow ugly together. You’re so unfair.” He said, wiping the stubborn tears that continue to fall down his cheeks. “You promised.”
Heechul laughs.
And Kyuhyun’s heart breaks.
“I’m still young, but I’m already this ugly. I don’t want to be uglier than how I am now.” Heechul said, chuckling.
“Yeah. So ugly.” Kyuhyun said poking Heechul’s cheeks and the elder glared at him, or attempted to.
“During the time when I was with you, I wished there are 25 hours in a day. I wished there are 70 minutes in an hour. I wished there’s a bonus of even one day for every lifetime. But as much as I wanted to, I don’t own time. And time won’t wait for me. The world won’t stop revolving for me. My breath would end and you’d be breathing in the last breath I let out. My heart would stop beating but yours will go on and on. It may skip a beat and that’s all I can get. And I am happy with just that.” Heechul said, wiping Ryeowook’s unconsciously fallen tears with his cold thin fingers.
“Why do you have to be so selfless hyung. I would have given you all of my heart.” Ryeowook said with a chuckle as he held onto Heechul’s hand and Kyuhyun snorted on the other side of the bed.
“But I’m not worth it. I’m happy with the love I got. It’s enough love for my lifetime. You know all I can do is willingly die for you.” Heechul said and paused, his face contorting into something that says pain and Kyuhyun is fast to get close to him asking him where it hurts.
“You need someone who’s not only willing to die for you, but who can live for you too.”
He said weakly with a smile, his eyes settled on Kyuhyun’s worried face.
“It could have been better if we can make fun of Heechul hyung’s wrinkled old face. I would dye his grey hair pink and he’ll get mad at me. But I wouldn’t care.” Ryeowook said staring at the stars that decided to show up that night.
“You can dye my grey hair pink and I won’t get mad at you.” Kyuhyun said from beside him staring at the cold grass beneath them. “I promised to grow old and ugly with you, but I think you’ll be the only one getting ugly. I can grow old and all wrinkly but I am positive I’ll still be handsome. Don’t worry though, I’ll still love you.”
Ryeowook laughed that high pitched laugh and smacked Kyuhyun hard on the head.
“Ow! I think I’m seeing Heechul hyung flying all around me!”Kyuhyun whined while rubbing his head and Ryeowook laughed harder.
“I love looking at the stars. It’s like Heechul hyung’s cold dark eyes staring at me.” Ryeowook said after a while. “I think Heechul hyung is like a star. He’s always there, shining down at us. The sun may rise but it doesn’t mean he’s gone somewhere else. It’s just that the sun shines brighter than the stars it lights up the whole sky, but when the sun sets, at the end of the day, he’ll always be there. Right back at where he was before. Right here.” Ryeowook lifted up his hand and placed it over his heart.
“Does that mean I’m the sun? Do I give sunshine in your life?” Kyuhyun beamed at him and Ryeowook found himself laughing again.
“Yes you are. Your arrogance burns me.” Ryeowook told him but the smile on Kyuhyun’s face didn’t falter. “I’m glad I found you. Now I wouldn’t need to beg for heat from a cold far star.”
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Until someone else to watch over her in my place arrives
I’ll stay by her side for the time being
Because this is a love where I’m just happy to gaze at her
I don’t need anything in return
-Song for a fool
a/n:
oh my. what is this O_O? but i like this. i just broke my otp!
yay! i finally wrote something i like. hehe just that when i'm sick, i am more likable and i like everything *3*
kyuwookhee is my ot3 :D well actually...i ship everyone with everybody so it doesn't really matter :(
if you wanna know what heechul's sickness is, i was thinking of Colorectal cancer stage 3c which progressed to stage 4, terminal. but it doesn't really matter. lol
i based Heewook's broken story in Park Sangwoo's Song for a Fool, and Kyuwook's story from Lee Eunmi's I Have a Lover ( i like Taeyeon's version more >/////< )
head hurts now. please forgive me for typos and my grammar. ;A; i'll fix it when im done fixing my life. lol <333