I’ve Waited My Life for You - One Shot
Title: I’ve Waited My Life for You
Fandom(s): U-KISS
Pairing(s): friendship!Kemaru (can be taken as love though)
Rating: G (?)
Genre: Angst, but not exactly
Word Count: 3,975 words
Warnings: Awful!English, Depressed!Kevin
Author's Notes: This is dedicated to a special friend who is going through a hard time. Sweetie, you are not alone. Even if the world fails you, I’ll be there for you. This is also for thyfloatinglily because you’re the only one I know IRL who might actually read this. Just to thank you for being a loyal reader.
Kevin was great at everything.
He certainly isn't being proud stating it like that, in fact, he feels awful.
He's a boy who looks like he has everything, but deep down inside, he has nothing. Everyone would probably roll their eyes at him, exclaiming at the top of their voices, "How could it be?!"
His ability to be able to do anything thrown at him was obviously a good thing. Until everyone thought he could do everything and it became a burden. Kevin wanted to live up to others' expectations wishing he would finally be noticed for it. He suffers in the meantime, and people overlook his efforts, thinking he was probably just a natural at it.
Most of all, Kevin was lonely. He thinks, he isn’t good at making friends, or keeping them at least.
-
“Great job, Kevin.” His choir teacher praised, smiling at her best student. “No wonder you were picked to develop a singing career in Korea.”
Kevin thanked the teacher for her compliment, and the other students all exaggerated the praise Kevin got.
“He’s so good!” A friend grinned. “His voice makes me swoon~!”
“KYA! I’M YOUR FAN!” Another laughed.
Kevin smiled, punching them lightly before laughing with them.
-
“Kevin, the only one who didn’t fail this test.” The teacher smiled kindly, but Kevin hated how she announced it. Students in his class turned in awe, though some dismissed it as him being Asian, while some dismissed it as him being Kevin.
The quiet student with straight As.
Kevin frowned at his marks. It wasn’t all that good, he expected something more out of himself. But everyone else failed, so he should be happy.
“Wah, awesome marks!” A girl before gasped.
Kevin smiles slightly, feeling as if he disappointed his teacher who had always told his mother he has great potential.
-
“Kevin, you’ve got to take care of yourself there.” Deanna smiled, kissing Kevin quickly on his cheeks.
“Ew!” Kevin laughed, wiping his face with his shirt. “Sudden affection is not cool.”
“I won’t be seeing you for so long, so shut up.” Deanna acted angry, only to hug Kevin tightly a second after. “I’ll miss you, and I’ll miss mom so bad. How could you bring her away?”
“Sorry.” Kevin stuck out his tongue, hugging his mother’s hand.
“Why aren’t your friends here, though?” Kevin’s father spoke up, breaking away from the hug he had with his wife.
“They’re…busy.” Kevin smiled brightly.
He excused himself when it was only his mother and him, giving himself five minutes to cry before walking out, all smiles while saying he had a bad case of stomach ache.
-
It was a fresh start, Kevin thought. He’s starting his life as a new person, he’s going to make sure he doesn’t fail as s person this time either.
He walks into the practice room, full of hopes when he saw two guys chatting happily, not realising he who entered.
Kevin’s face fell, it seems like things are the same, wherever he is.
-
“We’re making you guys debut in a month.” The manager smiled.
Kevin thought it would be a trio, he as the light bulb to the other two’s friendly relationship.
“Here’s Kibum, your last member.” The manager finished off, and Kevin instantly turned his head to a guy who did a small wave to the trio, instantly catching attention because of his sharp features and caramel-coloured hair which reflected light prettily even in the practice room.
Kevin unconsciously returned a bright smile, full of hopes.
It was a four-member group; he wasn’t going to be left out again.
-
Kibum brought the younger into his arms and chuckled, resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. “You’re so skinny, no longer nice to hug.”
“Are you saying I was fat?” Kevin huffed in mock anger, hands overlapping Kibum’s arms as if keeping them there. The two older members just spared them a glance before engaging themselves into another talk between them both.
Kevin didn’t mind, he had Kibum.
“You were chubby.” Kibum replied, pinching Kevin’s cheeks. “You’re growing up.”
Kevin giggled, suddenly excited as he pressed Kibum’s hand down, which Kibum understood and released Kevin. He jumped up and stood opposite Kibum, hand going to the top of his head before moving it to Kibum’s nose. “I grew taller! See it?”
Kibum laughed, nodding. “I’m still taller than you~!”
“I’ll reach your height!” Kevin replied proudly. “Just you watch.”
-
Kibum sighed, packing his luggage and ready to leave. He still hadn’t the heart to break it to Kevin. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his members, he just didn’t like Xing. It had no future, his brother already told him. Xing doesn’t even promote properly, how would he succeed in life?
Kibum considered bringing Kevin along with him, but to where? He was barely seventeen, and the younger was only sixteen, they couldn’t go anywhere together and survive at all. His mother only had enough money for him to survive on a short vacation of a sort, and he would be back in Korea in no time.
Shaking the thoughts away, he checked the area. Kevin shifted in his sleeping position, kicking the covers down. Kibum then pulled the covers over Kevin and made sure he was kept warm, giving his first kiss to Kevin’s cheeks as a goodbye, not trusting himself to say it to the younger’s face.
He left for Australia, a midnight flight, never once turning back.
-
Kevin made a big fuss, walking around the dormitory, frantically searching around.
His fellow members looked at him weirdly, trying to help him in his search, but Kevin wouldn’t tell them what he was finding.
Kevin checked under the sofa, in the fridge, in the toilet bowl, below a flower pot, behind the television, under his bed.
“Please, just tell us what you’re looking for!”
“Kibummie-hyung.” Kevin whispered, falling to the floor. “He’s…not here.”
The two exchanged glances, before comforting Kevin and saying he just went to get breakfast.
“I saw him…” Kevin said blankly, staring at the door. “I saw him with his luggage, I saw him kiss me, I saw him left, and I saw these as a nightmare.”
His two fellow members fell silent, no longer wanting lie to him. He was still young, but he wasn’t dumb. They figured he’d figured things out.
-
Kevin always thought he was a nice boy. Maybe he was wrong, maybe in others’ eyes, he’s not the kind and gentle person he always thought he was. Maybe everyone hates him, loathes him, but they are the one too nice and thus they don’t tell him.
It’s like he fits in, but he doesn’t.
It’s like he has friends, but he doesn’t.
He tried to invade all territories, yet it was safe to say, he wasn’t welcomed. Temporarily maybe, but never having someone who really cared to let him stay longer, to let him actually feel wanted.
Those he thought could give him a shelter, has someone or something else more important in their life than him.
They left; he left.
-
Two new members joined, they click instantly because Kevin was too busy being sad about Kibum’s departure.
-
“Want to go for lunch?” He heard a voice.
He knew it wasn’t directed to him, it never was.
“Nah, I took extra breakfast today because my mother was blur.” A shake of the head.
“Pity.” A shrug, before Kevin heard footsteps towards him. “Kevin, would you join me for lunch?”
“Oh, okay.” Kevin nodded, though not feeling hungry.
Best not let anyone else feel as unwanted as he, isn’t it?
-
It was the usual dance practice, Kevin was smiling at the success today. He suddenly felt hungry, but the two pair of members were too busy to tend to him.
He took in a deep breath, slowly approaching the oldest and looking the kindest hyung. “Erm, I’m kinda hungry, could you accompany to get food?”
Youngkyung paused in his animated speech with Sungsoo, nodding. “Of course, Kev. Let’s go.”
Kevin didn’t want to trouble anyone, but he didn’t want to eat alone again. The first time he tried, he broke down and threw away his food, thinking maybe starving would be a better option.
-
Three left, and another five joined.
It was still an odd number, and he was still the odd one out.
Kevin thought it was best he leave. Let them be in their world.
-
Kevin is sick of this.
When will he be the first one people think of? He’s always just number two, the person people turn to after the first choice isn’t available.
He tried his best to get out of this, to no longer be in second place. He doesn’t know how, but he has tried constantly to make himself more important. He failed, miserably, back to square one with no one.
Is it so hard to be just one person’s first? Kevin could give up everyone in his life just to have one friend that will tide him through his life. He needn’t all this friends that make him even more lonely, he didn’t need them.
He questions his existence, why he was actually alive. All those sappy love songs going I love you no matter what, you’re perfect the way you are, they are all stupid and unreal.
His existence was to be used by others, maybe? Like how he was being used as a promotional stunt.
His existence was to let those who are left behind feel better, maybe? That when anyone is lonely, he’ll be there.
Then who will make him feel better? Who will be the one to heal his own broken heart?
He doesn’t want to live for others anymore, but who does he turn to? No one will understand, they all have someone. Everyone’s paired up from the start, he was just an extra because he’s oh-so-perfect, and he’ll live well even if he was alone.
So they laugh at him for playing with soft toys, talking to cheesecakes and kissing pizzas. They don’t get it, he doesn’t have imaginary friends, he doesn’t think they’re talking. He’s just animating them in his head because whenever he wants to say something out, it seems like some people will be affected negatively. Or that they don’t care.
Non-living things care. They don’t have a heart, but to Kevin, they care.
-
Kevin was sure his mother was disappointed that he left Xing. He came to Korea for this dream, but it didn’t work out. Kevin said it wasn’t raking in enough money, it doesn’t have a future.
Truth be told, he doesn’t want to continue staying alone, seeing people come and go, still in pairs while he was alone.
Kevin’s mother sternly said she wasn’t disappointed, she respects his choices.
Kevin thinks he’s such a failure, but he kept quiet, knowing his mother was always protective of him. She wouldn’t allow him to say anything bad of himself.
“Even if it’s true.” Kevin mumbled, roughly wiping the tears which fell away. He should have learnt how to adapt to such feelings of loneliness. It hadn’t been a thing for a day or two, it had been something constant in his life. Why was he still weak against such a feeling?
Why was he still hoping that a day when he would finally be wanted actually comes?
-
Despite his strong refusal, his mother managed to bring Kevin to the auditions, to which he got through easily. This man was a quick friend, they met while waiting to enter the auditioning room.
When the results of who was going to round two of the auditions came out, he burst out into tears while Kevin looked helplessly.
He wanted to say it was okay, but he knew it wasn’t, hearing how the man excitedly talked about his dream before.
He wanted to say he was there with him, but he wasn’t, he was even praised for his good vocals as the judge talked about their reasons.
“T-Things will be fine.” Kevin patted the friend awkwardly.
The other looked up and smiled weakly. He wished Kevin luck, walking away dejectedly, and Kevin thought-
“He must hate me.”
-
Kevin never thought he was a good friend.
Maybe that's why he never had close friends. No one liked him enough, maybe he was a friend with benefits.
Since he looked like a doll, has talents for adapting, he easily gets on the good side of people. It would be nice having such a friend and using him, no?
Kevin doesn't believe his friends are this way, but when he's all alone, crying and sobbing over his pathetic life, he suspects why he even has friends, why he was even living.
He is as useless as a deserted land with soil no longer fertile.
Somehow, his words will all be useless, whatever he says when he tries to comfort them. He doesn't know what to say, what would make different people feel better, how to phrase his words without hurting them even more.
-
“Kevin.”
Kevin wondered how anyone would actually know his name when he didn’t bother making friends after the first round, during the continuous rounds of auditions that followed. He didn’t dare let down someone he just met, he rather he didn’t know them.
“Kevin.” The voice got nearer, and suddenly very familiar. Kevin didn’t have the time to think when the body held him tight, almost suffocating him. “I missed you.”
Kevin gasped, clutching tightly around the broad shoulders his body never really forgot. He buried his head against the chest of the man, despite them looking like strangers a minute ago.
“Don’t cry…” Kibum whispered, rubbing Kevin’s back.
“I can’t believe you.” Kevin sobbed. “You’re back.”
“Yeah.” Kibum nodded, sadly smiling as he watched Kevin sniffed. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re back, and that’s all that matters.” Kevin broke out into a smile, hugging Kibum tightly.
They decided to enter the audition room together, much to the surprise of the judges.
-
“It’s like things never changed.” Kevin grinned, laying on the floor.
“We don’t know who else is with us.” Kibum slightly pouted while sitting up beside Kevin’s body, curiously waiting for the new practice’s room door to open. “They should be here anytime soon.”
“Will you leave again?” Kevin quietly asked.
Kibum hesitated for a second.
“If this succeeds, I wouldn’t.” Kibum chuckled. “Materialistic, am I not?”
“Don’t.” Kevin jerked up, hands quickly grabbing onto Kibum’s arms. “Don’t leave again.”
Kibum turned his head and smiled, nodding. “I won’t.”
-
Kevin actually felt like he belonged. It was back, his life was back on track, everything seems to be working well.
Sure, they were pretty unknown, working hard and getting half the outcome.
Kevin thought it was fine. The members were happy with each other. They had time to see Dongho grow up, they had time to fool around, they had time to cultivate their friendship.
And Kevin loved the company for making them a six-member group.
Six, three pairs of two.
Dongho had Soohyun, Eli had Alexander, and he had Kibum.
It was perfect, his life was perfect.
He never cried again.
-
Kevin’s not going to lie. He hated Kiseop for joining, though it was more of the company’s decision. Some way or another, Kiseop ended up with Kibum, and there he was, out of place again.
He thought maybe Kibum could see his loneliness, but the older didn’t.
At the end of the day, Kevin guesses, that nothing lasts forever.
-
He doesn’t know why he was so hopeful.
Kevin’s birthday was today, but he never expected anything out of norm for him. Fans would have many gifts for him, but his members were probably all too busy to remember the date was November the 25th, and that it was Kevin’s birthday.
He just thought, maybe Kibum would know. He pinned on that hope and spent his time waiting for a phone call that never came, a Twitter greeting that never appeared on his timeline, a doorbell that never rang.
Even Kibum doesn’t remember; Kevin now believes his theory.
He wasn’t loved as a person. Fans loves his voice, his onscreen personality, his face, but did they know the loneliness he was going through? The only birthday greeting he got was from his mother that morning, a cheesy SMS from Alexander that was probably thanks to the alarm on his phone, and a signed CD from Rain he had always wanted from the company (which isn’t even supposed to be his birthday present).
Dongho’s going through puberty, he doesn’t have much friends in school, he is lonely.
How different is it for Kevin, really? Just because he smiles, does that mean he is all right? Just because he doesn’t say it, does that mean it doesn’t exist?
Kevin intentionally forgets his birthday. He’s better off not being born.
-
Kevin smiles. Not for himself, but for everyone else.
As long as they are happy, he shall be happy. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone, make anyone uncomfortable, so he keeps the negative feeling in himself and bottle them all up. He'll be all smiles and bouncy, and no one notices his false front.
Or then again, no one notices him in the first place. Who cares if he's smiling or crying in the corner?
-
Kibum’s birthday was tomorrow, Kevin thought. He wondered if he should get the older member a present or not, when a phone call came.
“Hello?” Kevin answered carefully.
“Hey, are you free tomorrow?” Kibum directly asked.
“Erm, I think so. Why?” Kevin fidgeted, knowing the path this call is taking.
“It’s my birthday tomorrow. You want to celebrate with me?”
Kevin had always been envious of Kibum. He never dared ask if anyone would celebrate something, or just do something for or with him. It seemed like he was planting a burden on them, and that he didn’t want.
“Sure, where do we meet?” Kevin nodded as if Kibum could see him.
“Great, just come over to my house at six, no one’s home.” Kibum replied, fiddling with something on his end of the call.
“Do you need me to relay the message to the others?” Kevin offered, wondering what present would be suitable. Something expensive or something useful?
“No.” Kibum said, almost sternly. “I’m only inviting you.”
Kevin blushed slightly, wondering why he was special. As embarrassing as it is to admit that he had a crush on Kibum before, he thought Kibum wasn’t exactly making it easier for him by treating him differently at times.
Like while he doesn’t bully the other members a lot, attacking Kevin is a daily routine.
“Oh, okay, tomorrow at six.” Kevin repeated, words meaning so much more. “I’ll be there.”
If Kevin would do anything for Kibum, would the older do the same for their friendship?
-
Kibum invited Kevin into his house and made sure the younger changed into house slippers. “Here’s yours.”
“Hey, it’s mine?” Kevin asked, a bit confused. “Like, you remembered I wore this the last time?”
“It’s unhygienic to share shoes.” Kibum rolled his eyes and spoke as if it was a given.
Kevin decided not to question further, only silently thinking about the time he saw Eli wear the slippers Alexander wore before. Maybe it’s okay if he wants Eli to get sick or something.
“Wow!” Kevin gasped the moment he turned to see the kitchen table. “You made these?”
“Yeah, started in the afternoon.” Kibum grinned proudly. “With some help from my mother, but she literally only helped cut the vegetables.”
“If you say so.” Kevin teased. “Why are you cooking on your birthday, though?”
“I don’t celebrate my birthdays.” Kibum shrugged, pulling a chair out. “Come take a seat.”
Kevin walked over to sit down, still perplexed. “But you called me over to celebrate…”
“Your birthday.” Kibum leaned down, whispering lowly into Kevin’s ear. Kevin slightly bounced in his seat, causing Kibum to laugh loudly at his reaction.
The younger only blushed, wanting to understand Kibum’s complex mind and if he had any hidden intentions or-
“I know what you’re thinking.” Kibum let out a long breath to calm himself down, moving to sit opposite Kevin. “Why would I celebrate your birthday on mine?”
Kevin waited in silence, before quickly nodding when the answer he waited for didn’t come.
“Because I celebrated mine on yours.” Kibum smiled, and Kevin thought his crush for Kibum just revived. “Got an amazing gift from your fans somehow. So I thought, let’s just exchange birthdays. Special, ain’t it?”
"Special, indeed." Kevin gave Kibum a bright smile, thanking God, Kibum's parents and his fans for the situation right now.
"Let's stop talking and eating, you bony fish." Kibum teased, laughing as he picked out some vegetables to throw into Kevin's bowl. "Score!"
"Silly." Kevin stuck out a tongue, removing bones from the chicken dish and throwing them in Kibum's bowl. "Bin!"
Kibum rolled his eyes at the younger man. "Who's the bin here, Ke-BIN?"
Kevin just smiled innocently back.
-
His friend was snatched from him.
He had to fight, he's not going to just let him leave.
He-
He-
He doesn't want to feel unwanted again.
-
It was a lost cause.
-
"Kevin..." The familiar voice he heard, he quickly looked up to confirm his thoughts.
"Oh, it's only you, Soohyun-hyung." Kevin managed a smile, before roughly wiping the tears away.
"We can do this together." Eli walked over and offered Kevin a hand.
Kevin was sure Eli meant "this" as moving on, he freaked out.
No, he needs this special friend. He doesn't think of the other members any lesser as a close friend, but it's hard to find someone he can easily talk to, joke with, scream at, cry for as Kibum.
Isn't it so? There's many different personalities and there's this special one that fits you?
Kevin had been waiting, waiting and waiting all his life.
He could proudly say he found this special friend.
But now, he lost him.
-
Kibum paced around the front door of Kevin's house, wondering whether or not to knock the door.
He thought about Kevin's reaction, how he should react to every kind of reaction in his head, and how he should act - whether or not he is still bothered the issue.
Kibum coughed, shuffling his feet slightly and tugging the end of his shirt to smooth out non-existent creases. He rang the doorbell.
Kevin's mother appeared, smiling brightly. "Oh, hello Kibummie!"
"Hello, auntie. How have you been?" Kibum bowed, returning a friendly smile.
"The usual." She chuckled, before stopping herself. "Kevin had schedules today though, sorry Kibum."
"Oh." Kibum instantly replied, before shaking his head. "Nah, I was just passing by. Here to give you a basket of fruits because my brother and I are earning big bucks."
Kevin's mother smiled, nodding. "Thank you, I'll be sure to pass the mangoes to Kevin."
Kibum blushed, unable to think of a witty reply and thus agreeing. "You caught me."
"Kevin misses you too." She cut in before Kibum could walk away. Kibum notices the message in those eyes.
He chuckled and smiled. "I'll be back."
-
Kevin doesn’t realise, that as much as he needed Kibum, he was also the “Kibum” to Kibum. To Kibum, Kevin meant many things and so much more.
It wasn’t only Kibum being the hope to all Kevin’s dreams, for Kibum had sought for a certain special friend through the course of his life. Only that he never thought it was necessary, thus never feeling especially hollow, till Kevin appeared.
It was a relationship where both need the other.
-
Kevin was a happy boy with mangoes.
-
End.
Dear friend, if you are Kevin, let me be your Kibum. I swear I’ll stay by you.
To my readers, I know Kevin sounds a bit out of character here, since it didn’t start out as a Kemaru fic. Just a fic depicting emotions? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm constantly writing fics regarding the Feb 23rd issue, I really didn't. Inspiration just hits and I write whatever that comes to my mind, sorry if this is a bit rubbing salt to your wound. For this story, the main focus isn't that, anyway. I think there might be two more regarding the issue because the situation fits the challenge, if you guys don't want to see the issue being mentioned again, tell me and I'll switch the plots since I haven't got to writing the two challenge fics :)
EDIT : OMG! How come no one told me a PART WAS REPEATED! I'M SO SORRY! T__T
Fandom(s): U-KISS
Pairing(s): friendship!Kemaru (can be taken as love though)
Rating: G (?)
Genre: Angst, but not exactly
Word Count: 3,975 words
Warnings: Awful!English, Depressed!Kevin
Author's Notes: This is dedicated to a special friend who is going through a hard time. Sweetie, you are not alone. Even if the world fails you, I’ll be there for you. This is also for thyfloatinglily because you’re the only one I know IRL who might actually read this. Just to thank you for being a loyal reader.
Kevin was great at everything.
He certainly isn't being proud stating it like that, in fact, he feels awful.
He's a boy who looks like he has everything, but deep down inside, he has nothing. Everyone would probably roll their eyes at him, exclaiming at the top of their voices, "How could it be?!"
His ability to be able to do anything thrown at him was obviously a good thing. Until everyone thought he could do everything and it became a burden. Kevin wanted to live up to others' expectations wishing he would finally be noticed for it. He suffers in the meantime, and people overlook his efforts, thinking he was probably just a natural at it.
Most of all, Kevin was lonely. He thinks, he isn’t good at making friends, or keeping them at least.
-
“Great job, Kevin.” His choir teacher praised, smiling at her best student. “No wonder you were picked to develop a singing career in Korea.”
Kevin thanked the teacher for her compliment, and the other students all exaggerated the praise Kevin got.
“He’s so good!” A friend grinned. “His voice makes me swoon~!”
“KYA! I’M YOUR FAN!” Another laughed.
Kevin smiled, punching them lightly before laughing with them.
-
“Kevin, the only one who didn’t fail this test.” The teacher smiled kindly, but Kevin hated how she announced it. Students in his class turned in awe, though some dismissed it as him being Asian, while some dismissed it as him being Kevin.
The quiet student with straight As.
Kevin frowned at his marks. It wasn’t all that good, he expected something more out of himself. But everyone else failed, so he should be happy.
“Wah, awesome marks!” A girl before gasped.
Kevin smiles slightly, feeling as if he disappointed his teacher who had always told his mother he has great potential.
-
“Kevin, you’ve got to take care of yourself there.” Deanna smiled, kissing Kevin quickly on his cheeks.
“Ew!” Kevin laughed, wiping his face with his shirt. “Sudden affection is not cool.”
“I won’t be seeing you for so long, so shut up.” Deanna acted angry, only to hug Kevin tightly a second after. “I’ll miss you, and I’ll miss mom so bad. How could you bring her away?”
“Sorry.” Kevin stuck out his tongue, hugging his mother’s hand.
“Why aren’t your friends here, though?” Kevin’s father spoke up, breaking away from the hug he had with his wife.
“They’re…busy.” Kevin smiled brightly.
He excused himself when it was only his mother and him, giving himself five minutes to cry before walking out, all smiles while saying he had a bad case of stomach ache.
-
It was a fresh start, Kevin thought. He’s starting his life as a new person, he’s going to make sure he doesn’t fail as s person this time either.
He walks into the practice room, full of hopes when he saw two guys chatting happily, not realising he who entered.
Kevin’s face fell, it seems like things are the same, wherever he is.
-
“We’re making you guys debut in a month.” The manager smiled.
Kevin thought it would be a trio, he as the light bulb to the other two’s friendly relationship.
“Here’s Kibum, your last member.” The manager finished off, and Kevin instantly turned his head to a guy who did a small wave to the trio, instantly catching attention because of his sharp features and caramel-coloured hair which reflected light prettily even in the practice room.
Kevin unconsciously returned a bright smile, full of hopes.
It was a four-member group; he wasn’t going to be left out again.
-
Kibum brought the younger into his arms and chuckled, resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. “You’re so skinny, no longer nice to hug.”
“Are you saying I was fat?” Kevin huffed in mock anger, hands overlapping Kibum’s arms as if keeping them there. The two older members just spared them a glance before engaging themselves into another talk between them both.
Kevin didn’t mind, he had Kibum.
“You were chubby.” Kibum replied, pinching Kevin’s cheeks. “You’re growing up.”
Kevin giggled, suddenly excited as he pressed Kibum’s hand down, which Kibum understood and released Kevin. He jumped up and stood opposite Kibum, hand going to the top of his head before moving it to Kibum’s nose. “I grew taller! See it?”
Kibum laughed, nodding. “I’m still taller than you~!”
“I’ll reach your height!” Kevin replied proudly. “Just you watch.”
-
Kibum sighed, packing his luggage and ready to leave. He still hadn’t the heart to break it to Kevin. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his members, he just didn’t like Xing. It had no future, his brother already told him. Xing doesn’t even promote properly, how would he succeed in life?
Kibum considered bringing Kevin along with him, but to where? He was barely seventeen, and the younger was only sixteen, they couldn’t go anywhere together and survive at all. His mother only had enough money for him to survive on a short vacation of a sort, and he would be back in Korea in no time.
Shaking the thoughts away, he checked the area. Kevin shifted in his sleeping position, kicking the covers down. Kibum then pulled the covers over Kevin and made sure he was kept warm, giving his first kiss to Kevin’s cheeks as a goodbye, not trusting himself to say it to the younger’s face.
He left for Australia, a midnight flight, never once turning back.
-
Kevin made a big fuss, walking around the dormitory, frantically searching around.
His fellow members looked at him weirdly, trying to help him in his search, but Kevin wouldn’t tell them what he was finding.
Kevin checked under the sofa, in the fridge, in the toilet bowl, below a flower pot, behind the television, under his bed.
“Please, just tell us what you’re looking for!”
“Kibummie-hyung.” Kevin whispered, falling to the floor. “He’s…not here.”
The two exchanged glances, before comforting Kevin and saying he just went to get breakfast.
“I saw him…” Kevin said blankly, staring at the door. “I saw him with his luggage, I saw him kiss me, I saw him left, and I saw these as a nightmare.”
His two fellow members fell silent, no longer wanting lie to him. He was still young, but he wasn’t dumb. They figured he’d figured things out.
-
Kevin always thought he was a nice boy. Maybe he was wrong, maybe in others’ eyes, he’s not the kind and gentle person he always thought he was. Maybe everyone hates him, loathes him, but they are the one too nice and thus they don’t tell him.
It’s like he fits in, but he doesn’t.
It’s like he has friends, but he doesn’t.
He tried to invade all territories, yet it was safe to say, he wasn’t welcomed. Temporarily maybe, but never having someone who really cared to let him stay longer, to let him actually feel wanted.
Those he thought could give him a shelter, has someone or something else more important in their life than him.
They left; he left.
-
Two new members joined, they click instantly because Kevin was too busy being sad about Kibum’s departure.
-
“Want to go for lunch?” He heard a voice.
He knew it wasn’t directed to him, it never was.
“Nah, I took extra breakfast today because my mother was blur.” A shake of the head.
“Pity.” A shrug, before Kevin heard footsteps towards him. “Kevin, would you join me for lunch?”
“Oh, okay.” Kevin nodded, though not feeling hungry.
Best not let anyone else feel as unwanted as he, isn’t it?
-
It was the usual dance practice, Kevin was smiling at the success today. He suddenly felt hungry, but the two pair of members were too busy to tend to him.
He took in a deep breath, slowly approaching the oldest and looking the kindest hyung. “Erm, I’m kinda hungry, could you accompany to get food?”
Youngkyung paused in his animated speech with Sungsoo, nodding. “Of course, Kev. Let’s go.”
Kevin didn’t want to trouble anyone, but he didn’t want to eat alone again. The first time he tried, he broke down and threw away his food, thinking maybe starving would be a better option.
-
Three left, and another five joined.
It was still an odd number, and he was still the odd one out.
Kevin thought it was best he leave. Let them be in their world.
-
Kevin is sick of this.
When will he be the first one people think of? He’s always just number two, the person people turn to after the first choice isn’t available.
He tried his best to get out of this, to no longer be in second place. He doesn’t know how, but he has tried constantly to make himself more important. He failed, miserably, back to square one with no one.
Is it so hard to be just one person’s first? Kevin could give up everyone in his life just to have one friend that will tide him through his life. He needn’t all this friends that make him even more lonely, he didn’t need them.
He questions his existence, why he was actually alive. All those sappy love songs going I love you no matter what, you’re perfect the way you are, they are all stupid and unreal.
His existence was to be used by others, maybe? Like how he was being used as a promotional stunt.
His existence was to let those who are left behind feel better, maybe? That when anyone is lonely, he’ll be there.
Then who will make him feel better? Who will be the one to heal his own broken heart?
He doesn’t want to live for others anymore, but who does he turn to? No one will understand, they all have someone. Everyone’s paired up from the start, he was just an extra because he’s oh-so-perfect, and he’ll live well even if he was alone.
So they laugh at him for playing with soft toys, talking to cheesecakes and kissing pizzas. They don’t get it, he doesn’t have imaginary friends, he doesn’t think they’re talking. He’s just animating them in his head because whenever he wants to say something out, it seems like some people will be affected negatively. Or that they don’t care.
Non-living things care. They don’t have a heart, but to Kevin, they care.
-
Kevin was sure his mother was disappointed that he left Xing. He came to Korea for this dream, but it didn’t work out. Kevin said it wasn’t raking in enough money, it doesn’t have a future.
Truth be told, he doesn’t want to continue staying alone, seeing people come and go, still in pairs while he was alone.
Kevin’s mother sternly said she wasn’t disappointed, she respects his choices.
Kevin thinks he’s such a failure, but he kept quiet, knowing his mother was always protective of him. She wouldn’t allow him to say anything bad of himself.
“Even if it’s true.” Kevin mumbled, roughly wiping the tears which fell away. He should have learnt how to adapt to such feelings of loneliness. It hadn’t been a thing for a day or two, it had been something constant in his life. Why was he still weak against such a feeling?
Why was he still hoping that a day when he would finally be wanted actually comes?
-
Despite his strong refusal, his mother managed to bring Kevin to the auditions, to which he got through easily. This man was a quick friend, they met while waiting to enter the auditioning room.
When the results of who was going to round two of the auditions came out, he burst out into tears while Kevin looked helplessly.
He wanted to say it was okay, but he knew it wasn’t, hearing how the man excitedly talked about his dream before.
He wanted to say he was there with him, but he wasn’t, he was even praised for his good vocals as the judge talked about their reasons.
“T-Things will be fine.” Kevin patted the friend awkwardly.
The other looked up and smiled weakly. He wished Kevin luck, walking away dejectedly, and Kevin thought-
“He must hate me.”
-
Kevin never thought he was a good friend.
Maybe that's why he never had close friends. No one liked him enough, maybe he was a friend with benefits.
Since he looked like a doll, has talents for adapting, he easily gets on the good side of people. It would be nice having such a friend and using him, no?
Kevin doesn't believe his friends are this way, but when he's all alone, crying and sobbing over his pathetic life, he suspects why he even has friends, why he was even living.
He is as useless as a deserted land with soil no longer fertile.
Somehow, his words will all be useless, whatever he says when he tries to comfort them. He doesn't know what to say, what would make different people feel better, how to phrase his words without hurting them even more.
-
“Kevin.”
Kevin wondered how anyone would actually know his name when he didn’t bother making friends after the first round, during the continuous rounds of auditions that followed. He didn’t dare let down someone he just met, he rather he didn’t know them.
“Kevin.” The voice got nearer, and suddenly very familiar. Kevin didn’t have the time to think when the body held him tight, almost suffocating him. “I missed you.”
Kevin gasped, clutching tightly around the broad shoulders his body never really forgot. He buried his head against the chest of the man, despite them looking like strangers a minute ago.
“Don’t cry…” Kibum whispered, rubbing Kevin’s back.
“I can’t believe you.” Kevin sobbed. “You’re back.”
“Yeah.” Kibum nodded, sadly smiling as he watched Kevin sniffed. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re back, and that’s all that matters.” Kevin broke out into a smile, hugging Kibum tightly.
They decided to enter the audition room together, much to the surprise of the judges.
-
“It’s like things never changed.” Kevin grinned, laying on the floor.
“We don’t know who else is with us.” Kibum slightly pouted while sitting up beside Kevin’s body, curiously waiting for the new practice’s room door to open. “They should be here anytime soon.”
“Will you leave again?” Kevin quietly asked.
Kibum hesitated for a second.
“If this succeeds, I wouldn’t.” Kibum chuckled. “Materialistic, am I not?”
“Don’t.” Kevin jerked up, hands quickly grabbing onto Kibum’s arms. “Don’t leave again.”
Kibum turned his head and smiled, nodding. “I won’t.”
-
Kevin actually felt like he belonged. It was back, his life was back on track, everything seems to be working well.
Sure, they were pretty unknown, working hard and getting half the outcome.
Kevin thought it was fine. The members were happy with each other. They had time to see Dongho grow up, they had time to fool around, they had time to cultivate their friendship.
And Kevin loved the company for making them a six-member group.
Six, three pairs of two.
Dongho had Soohyun, Eli had Alexander, and he had Kibum.
It was perfect, his life was perfect.
He never cried again.
-
Kevin’s not going to lie. He hated Kiseop for joining, though it was more of the company’s decision. Some way or another, Kiseop ended up with Kibum, and there he was, out of place again.
He thought maybe Kibum could see his loneliness, but the older didn’t.
At the end of the day, Kevin guesses, that nothing lasts forever.
-
He doesn’t know why he was so hopeful.
Kevin’s birthday was today, but he never expected anything out of norm for him. Fans would have many gifts for him, but his members were probably all too busy to remember the date was November the 25th, and that it was Kevin’s birthday.
He just thought, maybe Kibum would know. He pinned on that hope and spent his time waiting for a phone call that never came, a Twitter greeting that never appeared on his timeline, a doorbell that never rang.
Even Kibum doesn’t remember; Kevin now believes his theory.
He wasn’t loved as a person. Fans loves his voice, his onscreen personality, his face, but did they know the loneliness he was going through? The only birthday greeting he got was from his mother that morning, a cheesy SMS from Alexander that was probably thanks to the alarm on his phone, and a signed CD from Rain he had always wanted from the company (which isn’t even supposed to be his birthday present).
Dongho’s going through puberty, he doesn’t have much friends in school, he is lonely.
How different is it for Kevin, really? Just because he smiles, does that mean he is all right? Just because he doesn’t say it, does that mean it doesn’t exist?
Kevin intentionally forgets his birthday. He’s better off not being born.
-
Kevin smiles. Not for himself, but for everyone else.
As long as they are happy, he shall be happy. He doesn't want to disappoint anyone, make anyone uncomfortable, so he keeps the negative feeling in himself and bottle them all up. He'll be all smiles and bouncy, and no one notices his false front.
Or then again, no one notices him in the first place. Who cares if he's smiling or crying in the corner?
-
Kibum’s birthday was tomorrow, Kevin thought. He wondered if he should get the older member a present or not, when a phone call came.
“Hello?” Kevin answered carefully.
“Hey, are you free tomorrow?” Kibum directly asked.
“Erm, I think so. Why?” Kevin fidgeted, knowing the path this call is taking.
“It’s my birthday tomorrow. You want to celebrate with me?”
Kevin had always been envious of Kibum. He never dared ask if anyone would celebrate something, or just do something for or with him. It seemed like he was planting a burden on them, and that he didn’t want.
“Sure, where do we meet?” Kevin nodded as if Kibum could see him.
“Great, just come over to my house at six, no one’s home.” Kibum replied, fiddling with something on his end of the call.
“Do you need me to relay the message to the others?” Kevin offered, wondering what present would be suitable. Something expensive or something useful?
“No.” Kibum said, almost sternly. “I’m only inviting you.”
Kevin blushed slightly, wondering why he was special. As embarrassing as it is to admit that he had a crush on Kibum before, he thought Kibum wasn’t exactly making it easier for him by treating him differently at times.
Like while he doesn’t bully the other members a lot, attacking Kevin is a daily routine.
“Oh, okay, tomorrow at six.” Kevin repeated, words meaning so much more. “I’ll be there.”
If Kevin would do anything for Kibum, would the older do the same for their friendship?
-
Kibum invited Kevin into his house and made sure the younger changed into house slippers. “Here’s yours.”
“Hey, it’s mine?” Kevin asked, a bit confused. “Like, you remembered I wore this the last time?”
“It’s unhygienic to share shoes.” Kibum rolled his eyes and spoke as if it was a given.
Kevin decided not to question further, only silently thinking about the time he saw Eli wear the slippers Alexander wore before. Maybe it’s okay if he wants Eli to get sick or something.
“Wow!” Kevin gasped the moment he turned to see the kitchen table. “You made these?”
“Yeah, started in the afternoon.” Kibum grinned proudly. “With some help from my mother, but she literally only helped cut the vegetables.”
“If you say so.” Kevin teased. “Why are you cooking on your birthday, though?”
“I don’t celebrate my birthdays.” Kibum shrugged, pulling a chair out. “Come take a seat.”
Kevin walked over to sit down, still perplexed. “But you called me over to celebrate…”
“Your birthday.” Kibum leaned down, whispering lowly into Kevin’s ear. Kevin slightly bounced in his seat, causing Kibum to laugh loudly at his reaction.
The younger only blushed, wanting to understand Kibum’s complex mind and if he had any hidden intentions or-
“I know what you’re thinking.” Kibum let out a long breath to calm himself down, moving to sit opposite Kevin. “Why would I celebrate your birthday on mine?”
Kevin waited in silence, before quickly nodding when the answer he waited for didn’t come.
“Because I celebrated mine on yours.” Kibum smiled, and Kevin thought his crush for Kibum just revived. “Got an amazing gift from your fans somehow. So I thought, let’s just exchange birthdays. Special, ain’t it?”
"Special, indeed." Kevin gave Kibum a bright smile, thanking God, Kibum's parents and his fans for the situation right now.
"Let's stop talking and eating, you bony fish." Kibum teased, laughing as he picked out some vegetables to throw into Kevin's bowl. "Score!"
"Silly." Kevin stuck out a tongue, removing bones from the chicken dish and throwing them in Kibum's bowl. "Bin!"
Kibum rolled his eyes at the younger man. "Who's the bin here, Ke-BIN?"
Kevin just smiled innocently back.
-
His friend was snatched from him.
He had to fight, he's not going to just let him leave.
He-
He-
He doesn't want to feel unwanted again.
-
It was a lost cause.
-
"Kevin..." The familiar voice he heard, he quickly looked up to confirm his thoughts.
"Oh, it's only you, Soohyun-hyung." Kevin managed a smile, before roughly wiping the tears away.
"We can do this together." Eli walked over and offered Kevin a hand.
Kevin was sure Eli meant "this" as moving on, he freaked out.
No, he needs this special friend. He doesn't think of the other members any lesser as a close friend, but it's hard to find someone he can easily talk to, joke with, scream at, cry for as Kibum.
Isn't it so? There's many different personalities and there's this special one that fits you?
Kevin had been waiting, waiting and waiting all his life.
He could proudly say he found this special friend.
But now, he lost him.
-
Kibum paced around the front door of Kevin's house, wondering whether or not to knock the door.
He thought about Kevin's reaction, how he should react to every kind of reaction in his head, and how he should act - whether or not he is still bothered the issue.
Kibum coughed, shuffling his feet slightly and tugging the end of his shirt to smooth out non-existent creases. He rang the doorbell.
Kevin's mother appeared, smiling brightly. "Oh, hello Kibummie!"
"Hello, auntie. How have you been?" Kibum bowed, returning a friendly smile.
"The usual." She chuckled, before stopping herself. "Kevin had schedules today though, sorry Kibum."
"Oh." Kibum instantly replied, before shaking his head. "Nah, I was just passing by. Here to give you a basket of fruits because my brother and I are earning big bucks."
Kevin's mother smiled, nodding. "Thank you, I'll be sure to pass the mangoes to Kevin."
Kibum blushed, unable to think of a witty reply and thus agreeing. "You caught me."
"Kevin misses you too." She cut in before Kibum could walk away. Kibum notices the message in those eyes.
He chuckled and smiled. "I'll be back."
-
Kevin doesn’t realise, that as much as he needed Kibum, he was also the “Kibum” to Kibum. To Kibum, Kevin meant many things and so much more.
It wasn’t only Kibum being the hope to all Kevin’s dreams, for Kibum had sought for a certain special friend through the course of his life. Only that he never thought it was necessary, thus never feeling especially hollow, till Kevin appeared.
It was a relationship where both need the other.
-
Kevin was a happy boy with mangoes.
-
End.
Dear friend, if you are Kevin, let me be your Kibum. I swear I’ll stay by you.
To my readers, I know Kevin sounds a bit out of character here, since it didn’t start out as a Kemaru fic. Just a fic depicting emotions? Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry if it seems like I'm constantly writing fics regarding the Feb 23rd issue, I really didn't. Inspiration just hits and I write whatever that comes to my mind, sorry if this is a bit rubbing salt to your wound. For this story, the main focus isn't that, anyway. I think there might be two more regarding the issue because the situation fits the challenge, if you guys don't want to see the issue being mentioned again, tell me and I'll switch the plots since I haven't got to writing the two challenge fics :)
EDIT : OMG! How come no one told me a PART WAS REPEATED! I'M SO SORRY! T__T