(not) over (yet) (written for ica_90)
Title: It's (not) Over (yet)
Pairing/Group: Sakuraiba
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Summary: Something was definitely wrong with Masaki lately...
Note: I'm more nervous than I expected. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping you'll like it.
Once again, he wasn’t there when Sho came back from work. During the last few weeks he’d noticed his lover was acting rather strange, however he hadn’t given it much thought until this moment. The kitchen was a complete mess, and unlike most nights, there wasn’t even a small plate waiting for him with a note instructing him to reheat the leftovers from the day before or the occasional “I’m sorry Sho-chan, there was something urgent”. Sho wasn’t hungry anyway. His appetite had decreased significantly since the very moment he felt something was off with Masaki. He just slipped under the covers of their king size bed, tried to shake all the unnecessary thoughts that haunted him and got at least some hours of proper sleeping. Masaki would be back sooner or later, he knew it.
Sho rubbed his eyes when the first ray of sun peeked through the white curtains of the bedroom. The space next to him in the bed was perfectly untouched, just as it was last night when he went to sleep. It was the first red flag. No matter how late Masaki came back home from the restaurant, he would always be by his side when he woke up. A million questions popped up in his mind right away. What if something happened to Masaki? He panicked at the thought. No, that couldn’t be. There had to be a better explanation, he told himself. To dissipate his own doubts, he started searching around their apartment. He felt relieved when he saw Masaki sleeping soundly on the couch, with his messy hair, unbuttoned shirt and…
“What’s… that?” There was a glossy pink substance in Masaki’s shirt’s collar. “Lipstick?”
Sho scanned his lover more closely. It was lipstick, definitely, and he also perceived the faint scent of a woman’s perfume, along with a strong smell of alcohol and cigarettes. That was the second red flag. Masaki had spent the night with a woman. Sho bit his lip. It wasn’t surprising at all, taking into account that when they met Masaki was dating a girl. They were friends back then. Sho had a hopeless crush on Masaki, who was completely oblivious of this fact. Masaki’s girlfriend since high school broke his heart marrying another man for money and after that things changed. Sho helped him stop being so depressed, but he didn’t expect Masaki would ask him out.
“What?” Sho looked at Masaki with his eyes wide open. “You can’t be serious Masaki… I won’t date you”
“Why not?” Masaki pouted. “I thought you liked men… was I wrong?”
Sho gasped. “I… I do…” he blushed.
“Then what’s the problem? I’m a man”
“Yeah, I noticed” Sho laughed. “But you’re straight Masaki. I don’t date straight guys”
“I really like you, Sho-chan” Masaki took his hands. “Give me a chance…”
Sho tried to persuade Masaki to forget about this silly idea of his. He didn’t want to be Masaki’s subject of experiments. What if he changed his mind along the way and left him for a woman? Masaki promised it wouldn’t happen, and he, as a fool, believed it. Who wouldn’t want to believe something so good? Sitting on that couch inches away from Masaki, he came to the conclusion that if something is too good to be true, then it must be a lie.
“Sho…” Masaki muttered as he opened his eyes and sat in the couch. “Good morning” he flashed one of his killer smiles to Sho, like he did every morning, and enveloped him in a tight hug. Sho clenched his fists. Masaki had a hickey in his neck. Third red flag in a row, this was serious. What to do? Sho thought about the possible scenarios and decided to keep his mouth shut by now. He didn’t want to lose Masaki, even if it meant putting up with this situation.
“Good morning” he replied with a smile, the best one he could fake.
Weeks went by like that. Masaki would always arrive after midnight and sleep on the couch after spending the night with the woman of whom Sho still didn’t know a thing. In the morning they’d pretend everything was perfectly okay, despite being well aware that it was not. Sho cried himself to sleep in the cold bed that now, without Masaki, seemed to have become twice as big as its original size. It was frustrating. Deep inside he just wanted to yell and let everything out, but he couldn’t. He kept holding on to the promises they made one day desperately, knowing that sooner or later he’d have to face the reality.
~*~
Reality came to hit him in the face one evening. To his utter surprise, Masaki was home already. He was making dinner when he arrived from the office. It was odd taking his behavior during the last few months into account. Masaki seemed to be in a very good humor though, so he shrugged it off and enjoyed the moment. The red flags came back when Masaki put a third plate on the table.
“Do we have any visitors tonight?”
“Yup” Masaki smiled nervously. “She’ll be here in a minute, actually”
Sho’s heart started beating furiously against his ribs. A part of him still hoped he was misunderstanding the situation. This must mean something else, Sho said to himself. Maybe it was a relative or a coworker. With this tranquilizing thought in mind he took a seat and waited. The bell rang a few minutes later. Masaki rushed to the door and greeted the newcomer. Sho saw the woman passing the threshold of the apartment smiling widely as she hugged Masaki. She was wearing pink lipstick and her perfume was too familiar for him now to ignore it. He knew it was over.
“Sho” Masaki called him. He had dropped the ‘-chan’ a long time ago. “This is Becky, she works at the restaurant”
“Nice to meet you” Sho muttered. The woman just bowed politely but Sho could tell she didn’t feel comfortable in this situation either. The three of them took a seat and ate in silence. At the end of the meal, Masaki suddenly said that they, Becky and him, had something to announce. Sho’s heart went out of control. He managed to nod slowly as an answer. An awkward silence filled the living room.
“Becky and I are going to have a baby”
Sho nodded again. It was as if he had lost the ability to utter any sound. Masaki explained how they met and one thing led to other things Sho already knew. He didn’t show any signs of shame or regret in his voice or demeanor, not the least bit of sadness either. Even if he had, Sho wouldn’t have noticed. His mind was long gone from that room, from that conversation he didn’t want to have. His attention only came back when Masaki looked at him with preoccupied eyes.
“Are… are you mad at me?”
Yes. A thousand of hundreds of millions times yes. Was that really a question? Was there any doubt about it? Sho internally killed Masaki three times per second after those words left the lips of the other man, who was looking at him with guilt written all over his face and those beautiful chocolate eyes that always made him lose the ability to think rationally. This was ridiculous.
“I’m not” Sho heard himself say. “I’m glad for you two. I hope you’ll be happy together” where did that come from? It wasn’t him saying it, but it sure sounded like his own voice.
Masaki startled. “Oh… I… I see… Well… then…”
“Don’t worry, I’ll move out tomorrow” Sho heard his own voice again. “I don’t want to disturb a couple in love…” he finished it with a hearty laugh, not seeing at all the confused expressions on Masaki and Becky’s faces, and retired to the bedroom where he started packing his clothes. What was he doing? Would he let go of Masaki so easily? Apparently he would, because everything was done in less than an hour. As he didn’t hear any voices coming from the living room he assumed Masaki and Becky had left. Sho slumped on the bed and with a sigh pushed the button to make the call he had been avoiding to make for months.
“Matsumoto-san? Yes, it’s Sakurai Sho. About the offer you made me… I’m aware of that, yes… I apologize for the delay but I finally have an answer for you. I would like to transfer to the New York branch. No, that’s no longer an issue… Okay… Perfect, I’ll take a plane tomorrow then. Thank you”
It was the best decision, or so he thought.
~*~
Three years had passed since the last time he saw Masaki. After he left the country things changed drastically. His job became his everything. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week he’d be devoted solely to work in his little office. He never took a day off, not even in Christmas or New Year. He didn’t have a social life. Matsumoto often voiced his concern about Sho’s attitude, but it was like talking to a wall. And perhaps there was an invisible wall surrounding him, one he started to build the very moment Masaki left him.
“You’ll go back to Japan” Matsumoto announced one day. “We need you in Tokyo to take charge of the operations”
“But… Matsumoto-san…”
“I’ll tell you this not as your boss but as a friend…” Matsumoto took a seat in front of him. “You need to move on. New York hasn’t helped you at all, you’re even worse now”
“I’m fine…”
“You’re not. And you’re flying to Tokyo tomorrow, it’s an order” Matsumoto said and left the office without giving Sho time to refuse.
Sho sighed. His boss was not the kind of person you’d like to disobey. Besides, he had to recognize the man was right. Being far away from Japan was killing him slowly. Sending him to Japan might be as good as murdering him though. He didn’t blame Masaki for what happened between them. He always thought he deserved it for not being the boyfriend Masaki needed him to be, for putting his job first and not showing how much he cared about him. Going back would mean there would be a small chance of him meeting Masaki again, and just the thought of it made his heart ache.
He had been living in Tokyo for almost a month when some of his colleagues invited him to a restaurant. He tried to come up with a good excuse to escape from it, but they dragged him to the place anyway. They were eating merrily and drinking beers. Sho felt relaxed in that moment. His new coworkers were really nice people. He became friends almost instantly with a couple of guys called Ohno and Ninomiya. Right now the former had fallen asleep on top of the table, while the latter picked up a fight with another of their coworkers, who demanded him to pay his share of the bill. Sho was having so much fun watching this that he didn’t see someone timidly approaching from behind.
“S-Sho-chan…”
Sho turned instinctively upon being called that way, although it had been years since the last time someone used it with him. His eyes met with his ex’s. This was the restaurant where Masaki worked. Out of all the restaurants in Tokyo, they took him to the only one he didn’t want to pay a visit to. Masaki was unchanged. If anything, he had become even more handsome during the last three years.
“Ah, Aiba-san” Sho replied with a neutral tone, trying to sound calm. “I forgot you worked here”
“I-I see…” Masaki chuckled nervously. “I-it’s been a long t-time, ne?”
“It sure has” Sho nodded. “How’s your family? Is Becky-san doing well? Your kid must be two years old already ne… Time sure flies!” Sho laughed in an attempt to make this encounter less awkward.
“It does, yes…” Masaki lowered his head a bit.
“Well, I gotta go now…” Sho stood up. “Give my best to your family, okay? Bye bye!”
Sho stormed off the restaurant at full speed. He only stopped when he almost got hit by a car. Why did he get so nervous? Masaki was the one who cheated on him, why should he be the one hiding? Sho took a cab, went back home and drank a bottle of whisky by himself that night. Seeing Masaki was more than he could take. The pain he suffered while he pretended not to know about his lover’s affair came back like a tidal wave. Three years hadn’t been enough to heal his wounds.
~*~
During some days Masaki was the only thing occupying his mind. Sho wanted to see him again, just for a minute, that’d be enough. He didn’t have the guts to show up at the restaurant again, fearing he’d end up running away again, or worse, that Becky would be there. Sho dismissed the idea and continued his daily routine. One afternoon while he was enjoying a cup of coffee, he saw him again. To be more exact, it was Masaki who found him.
“Sho…”
Sho almost spat his coffee when he saw the man standing next to him, shuffling from feet to feet anxiously. “Aiba-san… what’s up?”
“D-do you mind if I sit here? There aren’t any vacant tables, so…”
“Ah, go ahead. I’m already going out anyway…”
“Wait!” Masaki exclaimed. “I… I want to talk to you…”
Sho lowered his head. “I don’t think we have anything to talk about, Aiba-san”
Masaki pulled his arm. “I disagree with that… Sit down, please”
Sho sat and avoided Masaki’s gaze on him. “What is it? Do you want to talk about what happened three years ago?”
“I do” Aiba nodded. “We never got to do it”
“Yeah, well… maybe there was a reason for that, don’t you think?”
“You left without even saying good-bye…”
“And what did you expect me to do? To stay and see how you started a family with that woman? It was too painful for me!” Sho snapped. Masaki looked at him with his mouth gaping. “It hurt me every night you spent with her… why Masaki? Why did you do that to me? I thought… I thought you said you wouldn’t cheat on me…”
“You knew?”
“I’m sorry. Did you think I was stupid enough to not see it?” Sho was about to lose all his patience.
“Why didn’t you confront me?”
“I thought that if we ever talked about it, then it’d be the end for us…” Sho’s voice cracked. “I didn’t want to lose you… but in the end that happened anyway, right?” Sho chuckled. “That’s what I get for dating someone who was always straight to start with…”
Masaki bit his lip and started crying. “Gomen… Sho-chan I…” he wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “I… I was feeling so lonely. I thought you didn’t love me anymore… You were always at work, you never called, you didn’t even want to touch me in the bedroom!”
Sho blushed madly when he noticed some people were watching them from the other tables and commenting in a low voice. “We shouldn’t talk here…”
“Then where and when? I need to talk to you now!” Masaki yelled. “I… I didn’t want to cheat on you! At first Becky and I were just friends… she was just as lonely as me. Her husband was a pig and treated her so bad. He even hit her sometimes. One day he abandoned her and never came back… I don’t know what happened, we were so drunk… I just wanted to feel intimate with someone again!”
Sho lowered his head, noticing that the curious people were still observing them closely. “Aiba-san…”
“And that night when I told you, you didn’t even say anything! You wished us good luck!” Masaki’s sobs got louder. “Did I ever mean anything to you? Did you really love me?”
“I did…”
“Then why did you do that? Why didn’t you get angry? Why did you leave like that?”
Sho didn’t know what to do. He could no longer make out what Masaki was saying, for the man was crying too much, and it attracted more unwanted attention. Sho had to silence him first and take him somewhere else. He pulled Masaki by his nape and kissed him. Masaki calmed down soon and kissed him back. The curious stares made Sho uncomfortable, so he broke the kiss somewhat reluctantly when he was certain Masaki wouldn’t start crying again if they parted.
“Sho…”
“Come with me”
He didn’t wait for a reply and dragged Aiba to his car. He deemed it’d be better if they resumed their conversation in private. His heart was racing, a little voice in his mind yelled “what the hell are you doing!?” but he didn’t listen to it. They arrived to his house soon.
“This is where you live now?”
“Yes, why?”
“It’s a beautiful place” he grinned. “But isn’t it too big for a single man?”
“It’s Matsumoto-san’s ‘welcome back’ present” Sho sighed. “He even took the time to decorate it by himself. When he gave the keys he said ‘go and get someone to live here with you’…” he shook his head and chuckled. “I wonder if this is his way of making fun of me” Sho guided his ex to the living room, where they sat side by side in a big leather sofa. Sho offered Masaki some tea. He was sipping it in silence. “And… how are things going? With you and Becky-san…”
“Hmm?”
“You are with her… right?”
“Not really” Aiba shook his head. “I told you, we were just friends and then… things got out of hand and…”
“It didn’t seem to me you were ‘just friends’ the last time I saw you”
“I couldn’t be with her… I couldn’t get you out of my head”
“Right…” Sho rolled his eyes. “Now you’ll also say you were thinking about me while you were making babies with her…”
“But…”
“Aiba-san, you like women, I get it. I’m totally fine with it. You don’t have to pretend with me”
Masaki’s eyes filled with tears. “I love you… I still do… Is it so hard to believe?”
“Yes” Sho stated. “Now can you stop crying? It’s getting annoying. Here, clean your face” he handed Masaki a handkerchief. “And how’s your child?”
“Yuki-chan?”
“Oh, a girl…”
“She’s living with her mother in England” Masaki said. “They moved six months ago because Becky got a job there. She wanted me to come with her but…”
“But…?”
“I wanted to wait until you came back” Masaki chuckled between more tears. “I was still hoping to see you again… Becky knew I wasn’t over you, so we never dated or anything…”
Sho didn’t know how to feel. Should he trust Masaki again? “I see…”
“Is that all you’re going to say?” Masaki sounded hurt. “No ‘get the hell out of my house and don’t show your face in front of me again you bastard’? Nothing?”
“What do you want from me!?”
“Tell me what you feel!”
Sho laughed bitterly. “I don’t know what I feel…” he bit his lip. “I should hate you! You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. You’ll be the death of me if we stay together! I want to punch that damn face of yours! And yet, I don’t know what to do with you… I’m torn between beating the shit out of you and”
“Go on…”
“And taking you up there to my room and never ever letting you go again” Sho stared at Aiba. “I missed you so much, Masaki…” as Masaki came close to him, he decided to turn his face to the other side. “But I haven’t changed a bit. I’m a workaholic. My job is my life, and that isn’t going to change. I work even more than before. If we get back together, you’ll feel lonely again and sooner or later will look for someone else to entertain you, probably a woman. I will pretend not to see it, and we’ll hurt each other all the time… That’s what happened before! It’s pointless to repeat it, don’t you think?”
Masaki lowered his head. “So you’re giving up…”
“It’s not giving up, Aiba-san. It’s called moving on”
“And what will I do? I can’t move on…”
Sho looked at his ex. The man was gritting his teeth and gripping his jeans tightly. He hated seeing him sad. He stroked Masaki’s back to soothe him. “You will… I’m not that special, there must be plenty of people better than me out there. Besides, you’d be better off with a woman, don’t you think? You’re not gay” Masaki jumped on him. “What are you d-” he was cut off by Aiba’s lips on his and a tongue trying to invade his mouth. “Stop!” Sho pushed Masaki.
“Tell me you didn’t feel anything and I promise you I’ll go out through that door and you’ll never see me again. I’ll go to England, marry Becky and raise my daughter far away from you” Masaki said. “Say it and consider it done”
“I… um…”
“Then I won’t give up, Sho”
~*~
Masaki was serious about not giving up.
It had been three months, and not a day passed without him coming to Sho’s house or dropping by his office. They spent hours talking whenever Sho wasn’t too busy with work, and when he didn’t have so much time Masaki would just sit next to him and tell him random things until he fell asleep on Sho’s couch. He had never stayed over though. He’d always take a cab back to his apartment, even when it was past midnight.
Like that night. Masaki kept talking about Becky since he arrived. Since they ended their relationship in friendly terms, they often communicated in spite of the time zone difference. Becky was doing great at her job and she also got a new boyfriend. Yuki was growing up quickly and missed her daddy a lot. Becky promised the three of them would come to Japan on June. Masaki seemed very excited about this visit. He wanted to make sure the man who was dating Becky now would take good care of the woman and of Yuki.
Sho chuckled a bit when he saw Masaki mumbling death threats against the unknown man in case he dared to hurt ‘his girls’. Instead of feeling jealous, Sho was relieved. He liked this protective side of Masaki. In three months he found himself more in love with the man than ever, after rediscovering all those things he adored about Masaki and adding a few new ones to the list. Would it be alright to try again?
It was past 2:00 am. Masaki was falling asleep. He stood up and took his coat. “I think I’ll go home now Sho-chan. Good night…”
“Wait” Sho said, lifting his eyes from his laptop. “Stay here”
“Hmmm?” Masaki rubbed his eyes with a sleepy expression. Sho chuckled and took the man’s hand to guide him to the bedroom. Masaki laid on the king size bed and whined when Sho started walking away.
“I’m almost done. Go to sleep”
Sho finished his report half an hour later. He turned off his laptop and went to his room. The door was opened and Masaki was snoring softly. Sho smiled to the sight. He changed into his pajamas and slipped under the covers. Masaki pulled his arm and forced him to turn on his side to embrace him. Sho kissed Masaki’s nape and smiled again to himself wondering if moments like this were what ‘happiness’ was made of. He fell asleep shortly after. It was the first time in more than three years that a king sized bed didn’t seem enormous.
The End.
Pairing/Group: Sakuraiba
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Summary: Something was definitely wrong with Masaki lately...
Note: I'm more nervous than I expected. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping you'll like it.
Once again, he wasn’t there when Sho came back from work. During the last few weeks he’d noticed his lover was acting rather strange, however he hadn’t given it much thought until this moment. The kitchen was a complete mess, and unlike most nights, there wasn’t even a small plate waiting for him with a note instructing him to reheat the leftovers from the day before or the occasional “I’m sorry Sho-chan, there was something urgent”. Sho wasn’t hungry anyway. His appetite had decreased significantly since the very moment he felt something was off with Masaki. He just slipped under the covers of their king size bed, tried to shake all the unnecessary thoughts that haunted him and got at least some hours of proper sleeping. Masaki would be back sooner or later, he knew it.
Sho rubbed his eyes when the first ray of sun peeked through the white curtains of the bedroom. The space next to him in the bed was perfectly untouched, just as it was last night when he went to sleep. It was the first red flag. No matter how late Masaki came back home from the restaurant, he would always be by his side when he woke up. A million questions popped up in his mind right away. What if something happened to Masaki? He panicked at the thought. No, that couldn’t be. There had to be a better explanation, he told himself. To dissipate his own doubts, he started searching around their apartment. He felt relieved when he saw Masaki sleeping soundly on the couch, with his messy hair, unbuttoned shirt and…
“What’s… that?” There was a glossy pink substance in Masaki’s shirt’s collar. “Lipstick?”
Sho scanned his lover more closely. It was lipstick, definitely, and he also perceived the faint scent of a woman’s perfume, along with a strong smell of alcohol and cigarettes. That was the second red flag. Masaki had spent the night with a woman. Sho bit his lip. It wasn’t surprising at all, taking into account that when they met Masaki was dating a girl. They were friends back then. Sho had a hopeless crush on Masaki, who was completely oblivious of this fact. Masaki’s girlfriend since high school broke his heart marrying another man for money and after that things changed. Sho helped him stop being so depressed, but he didn’t expect Masaki would ask him out.
“What?” Sho looked at Masaki with his eyes wide open. “You can’t be serious Masaki… I won’t date you”
“Why not?” Masaki pouted. “I thought you liked men… was I wrong?”
Sho gasped. “I… I do…” he blushed.
“Then what’s the problem? I’m a man”
“Yeah, I noticed” Sho laughed. “But you’re straight Masaki. I don’t date straight guys”
“I really like you, Sho-chan” Masaki took his hands. “Give me a chance…”
Sho tried to persuade Masaki to forget about this silly idea of his. He didn’t want to be Masaki’s subject of experiments. What if he changed his mind along the way and left him for a woman? Masaki promised it wouldn’t happen, and he, as a fool, believed it. Who wouldn’t want to believe something so good? Sitting on that couch inches away from Masaki, he came to the conclusion that if something is too good to be true, then it must be a lie.
“Sho…” Masaki muttered as he opened his eyes and sat in the couch. “Good morning” he flashed one of his killer smiles to Sho, like he did every morning, and enveloped him in a tight hug. Sho clenched his fists. Masaki had a hickey in his neck. Third red flag in a row, this was serious. What to do? Sho thought about the possible scenarios and decided to keep his mouth shut by now. He didn’t want to lose Masaki, even if it meant putting up with this situation.
“Good morning” he replied with a smile, the best one he could fake.
Weeks went by like that. Masaki would always arrive after midnight and sleep on the couch after spending the night with the woman of whom Sho still didn’t know a thing. In the morning they’d pretend everything was perfectly okay, despite being well aware that it was not. Sho cried himself to sleep in the cold bed that now, without Masaki, seemed to have become twice as big as its original size. It was frustrating. Deep inside he just wanted to yell and let everything out, but he couldn’t. He kept holding on to the promises they made one day desperately, knowing that sooner or later he’d have to face the reality.
~*~
Reality came to hit him in the face one evening. To his utter surprise, Masaki was home already. He was making dinner when he arrived from the office. It was odd taking his behavior during the last few months into account. Masaki seemed to be in a very good humor though, so he shrugged it off and enjoyed the moment. The red flags came back when Masaki put a third plate on the table.
“Do we have any visitors tonight?”
“Yup” Masaki smiled nervously. “She’ll be here in a minute, actually”
Sho’s heart started beating furiously against his ribs. A part of him still hoped he was misunderstanding the situation. This must mean something else, Sho said to himself. Maybe it was a relative or a coworker. With this tranquilizing thought in mind he took a seat and waited. The bell rang a few minutes later. Masaki rushed to the door and greeted the newcomer. Sho saw the woman passing the threshold of the apartment smiling widely as she hugged Masaki. She was wearing pink lipstick and her perfume was too familiar for him now to ignore it. He knew it was over.
“Sho” Masaki called him. He had dropped the ‘-chan’ a long time ago. “This is Becky, she works at the restaurant”
“Nice to meet you” Sho muttered. The woman just bowed politely but Sho could tell she didn’t feel comfortable in this situation either. The three of them took a seat and ate in silence. At the end of the meal, Masaki suddenly said that they, Becky and him, had something to announce. Sho’s heart went out of control. He managed to nod slowly as an answer. An awkward silence filled the living room.
“Becky and I are going to have a baby”
Sho nodded again. It was as if he had lost the ability to utter any sound. Masaki explained how they met and one thing led to other things Sho already knew. He didn’t show any signs of shame or regret in his voice or demeanor, not the least bit of sadness either. Even if he had, Sho wouldn’t have noticed. His mind was long gone from that room, from that conversation he didn’t want to have. His attention only came back when Masaki looked at him with preoccupied eyes.
“Are… are you mad at me?”
Yes. A thousand of hundreds of millions times yes. Was that really a question? Was there any doubt about it? Sho internally killed Masaki three times per second after those words left the lips of the other man, who was looking at him with guilt written all over his face and those beautiful chocolate eyes that always made him lose the ability to think rationally. This was ridiculous.
“I’m not” Sho heard himself say. “I’m glad for you two. I hope you’ll be happy together” where did that come from? It wasn’t him saying it, but it sure sounded like his own voice.
Masaki startled. “Oh… I… I see… Well… then…”
“Don’t worry, I’ll move out tomorrow” Sho heard his own voice again. “I don’t want to disturb a couple in love…” he finished it with a hearty laugh, not seeing at all the confused expressions on Masaki and Becky’s faces, and retired to the bedroom where he started packing his clothes. What was he doing? Would he let go of Masaki so easily? Apparently he would, because everything was done in less than an hour. As he didn’t hear any voices coming from the living room he assumed Masaki and Becky had left. Sho slumped on the bed and with a sigh pushed the button to make the call he had been avoiding to make for months.
“Matsumoto-san? Yes, it’s Sakurai Sho. About the offer you made me… I’m aware of that, yes… I apologize for the delay but I finally have an answer for you. I would like to transfer to the New York branch. No, that’s no longer an issue… Okay… Perfect, I’ll take a plane tomorrow then. Thank you”
It was the best decision, or so he thought.
~*~
Three years had passed since the last time he saw Masaki. After he left the country things changed drastically. His job became his everything. Twenty four hours a day and seven days a week he’d be devoted solely to work in his little office. He never took a day off, not even in Christmas or New Year. He didn’t have a social life. Matsumoto often voiced his concern about Sho’s attitude, but it was like talking to a wall. And perhaps there was an invisible wall surrounding him, one he started to build the very moment Masaki left him.
“You’ll go back to Japan” Matsumoto announced one day. “We need you in Tokyo to take charge of the operations”
“But… Matsumoto-san…”
“I’ll tell you this not as your boss but as a friend…” Matsumoto took a seat in front of him. “You need to move on. New York hasn’t helped you at all, you’re even worse now”
“I’m fine…”
“You’re not. And you’re flying to Tokyo tomorrow, it’s an order” Matsumoto said and left the office without giving Sho time to refuse.
Sho sighed. His boss was not the kind of person you’d like to disobey. Besides, he had to recognize the man was right. Being far away from Japan was killing him slowly. Sending him to Japan might be as good as murdering him though. He didn’t blame Masaki for what happened between them. He always thought he deserved it for not being the boyfriend Masaki needed him to be, for putting his job first and not showing how much he cared about him. Going back would mean there would be a small chance of him meeting Masaki again, and just the thought of it made his heart ache.
He had been living in Tokyo for almost a month when some of his colleagues invited him to a restaurant. He tried to come up with a good excuse to escape from it, but they dragged him to the place anyway. They were eating merrily and drinking beers. Sho felt relaxed in that moment. His new coworkers were really nice people. He became friends almost instantly with a couple of guys called Ohno and Ninomiya. Right now the former had fallen asleep on top of the table, while the latter picked up a fight with another of their coworkers, who demanded him to pay his share of the bill. Sho was having so much fun watching this that he didn’t see someone timidly approaching from behind.
“S-Sho-chan…”
Sho turned instinctively upon being called that way, although it had been years since the last time someone used it with him. His eyes met with his ex’s. This was the restaurant where Masaki worked. Out of all the restaurants in Tokyo, they took him to the only one he didn’t want to pay a visit to. Masaki was unchanged. If anything, he had become even more handsome during the last three years.
“Ah, Aiba-san” Sho replied with a neutral tone, trying to sound calm. “I forgot you worked here”
“I-I see…” Masaki chuckled nervously. “I-it’s been a long t-time, ne?”
“It sure has” Sho nodded. “How’s your family? Is Becky-san doing well? Your kid must be two years old already ne… Time sure flies!” Sho laughed in an attempt to make this encounter less awkward.
“It does, yes…” Masaki lowered his head a bit.
“Well, I gotta go now…” Sho stood up. “Give my best to your family, okay? Bye bye!”
Sho stormed off the restaurant at full speed. He only stopped when he almost got hit by a car. Why did he get so nervous? Masaki was the one who cheated on him, why should he be the one hiding? Sho took a cab, went back home and drank a bottle of whisky by himself that night. Seeing Masaki was more than he could take. The pain he suffered while he pretended not to know about his lover’s affair came back like a tidal wave. Three years hadn’t been enough to heal his wounds.
~*~
During some days Masaki was the only thing occupying his mind. Sho wanted to see him again, just for a minute, that’d be enough. He didn’t have the guts to show up at the restaurant again, fearing he’d end up running away again, or worse, that Becky would be there. Sho dismissed the idea and continued his daily routine. One afternoon while he was enjoying a cup of coffee, he saw him again. To be more exact, it was Masaki who found him.
“Sho…”
Sho almost spat his coffee when he saw the man standing next to him, shuffling from feet to feet anxiously. “Aiba-san… what’s up?”
“D-do you mind if I sit here? There aren’t any vacant tables, so…”
“Ah, go ahead. I’m already going out anyway…”
“Wait!” Masaki exclaimed. “I… I want to talk to you…”
Sho lowered his head. “I don’t think we have anything to talk about, Aiba-san”
Masaki pulled his arm. “I disagree with that… Sit down, please”
Sho sat and avoided Masaki’s gaze on him. “What is it? Do you want to talk about what happened three years ago?”
“I do” Aiba nodded. “We never got to do it”
“Yeah, well… maybe there was a reason for that, don’t you think?”
“You left without even saying good-bye…”
“And what did you expect me to do? To stay and see how you started a family with that woman? It was too painful for me!” Sho snapped. Masaki looked at him with his mouth gaping. “It hurt me every night you spent with her… why Masaki? Why did you do that to me? I thought… I thought you said you wouldn’t cheat on me…”
“You knew?”
“I’m sorry. Did you think I was stupid enough to not see it?” Sho was about to lose all his patience.
“Why didn’t you confront me?”
“I thought that if we ever talked about it, then it’d be the end for us…” Sho’s voice cracked. “I didn’t want to lose you… but in the end that happened anyway, right?” Sho chuckled. “That’s what I get for dating someone who was always straight to start with…”
Masaki bit his lip and started crying. “Gomen… Sho-chan I…” he wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “I… I was feeling so lonely. I thought you didn’t love me anymore… You were always at work, you never called, you didn’t even want to touch me in the bedroom!”
Sho blushed madly when he noticed some people were watching them from the other tables and commenting in a low voice. “We shouldn’t talk here…”
“Then where and when? I need to talk to you now!” Masaki yelled. “I… I didn’t want to cheat on you! At first Becky and I were just friends… she was just as lonely as me. Her husband was a pig and treated her so bad. He even hit her sometimes. One day he abandoned her and never came back… I don’t know what happened, we were so drunk… I just wanted to feel intimate with someone again!”
Sho lowered his head, noticing that the curious people were still observing them closely. “Aiba-san…”
“And that night when I told you, you didn’t even say anything! You wished us good luck!” Masaki’s sobs got louder. “Did I ever mean anything to you? Did you really love me?”
“I did…”
“Then why did you do that? Why didn’t you get angry? Why did you leave like that?”
Sho didn’t know what to do. He could no longer make out what Masaki was saying, for the man was crying too much, and it attracted more unwanted attention. Sho had to silence him first and take him somewhere else. He pulled Masaki by his nape and kissed him. Masaki calmed down soon and kissed him back. The curious stares made Sho uncomfortable, so he broke the kiss somewhat reluctantly when he was certain Masaki wouldn’t start crying again if they parted.
“Sho…”
“Come with me”
He didn’t wait for a reply and dragged Aiba to his car. He deemed it’d be better if they resumed their conversation in private. His heart was racing, a little voice in his mind yelled “what the hell are you doing!?” but he didn’t listen to it. They arrived to his house soon.
“This is where you live now?”
“Yes, why?”
“It’s a beautiful place” he grinned. “But isn’t it too big for a single man?”
“It’s Matsumoto-san’s ‘welcome back’ present” Sho sighed. “He even took the time to decorate it by himself. When he gave the keys he said ‘go and get someone to live here with you’…” he shook his head and chuckled. “I wonder if this is his way of making fun of me” Sho guided his ex to the living room, where they sat side by side in a big leather sofa. Sho offered Masaki some tea. He was sipping it in silence. “And… how are things going? With you and Becky-san…”
“Hmm?”
“You are with her… right?”
“Not really” Aiba shook his head. “I told you, we were just friends and then… things got out of hand and…”
“It didn’t seem to me you were ‘just friends’ the last time I saw you”
“I couldn’t be with her… I couldn’t get you out of my head”
“Right…” Sho rolled his eyes. “Now you’ll also say you were thinking about me while you were making babies with her…”
“But…”
“Aiba-san, you like women, I get it. I’m totally fine with it. You don’t have to pretend with me”
Masaki’s eyes filled with tears. “I love you… I still do… Is it so hard to believe?”
“Yes” Sho stated. “Now can you stop crying? It’s getting annoying. Here, clean your face” he handed Masaki a handkerchief. “And how’s your child?”
“Yuki-chan?”
“Oh, a girl…”
“She’s living with her mother in England” Masaki said. “They moved six months ago because Becky got a job there. She wanted me to come with her but…”
“But…?”
“I wanted to wait until you came back” Masaki chuckled between more tears. “I was still hoping to see you again… Becky knew I wasn’t over you, so we never dated or anything…”
Sho didn’t know how to feel. Should he trust Masaki again? “I see…”
“Is that all you’re going to say?” Masaki sounded hurt. “No ‘get the hell out of my house and don’t show your face in front of me again you bastard’? Nothing?”
“What do you want from me!?”
“Tell me what you feel!”
Sho laughed bitterly. “I don’t know what I feel…” he bit his lip. “I should hate you! You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. You’ll be the death of me if we stay together! I want to punch that damn face of yours! And yet, I don’t know what to do with you… I’m torn between beating the shit out of you and”
“Go on…”
“And taking you up there to my room and never ever letting you go again” Sho stared at Aiba. “I missed you so much, Masaki…” as Masaki came close to him, he decided to turn his face to the other side. “But I haven’t changed a bit. I’m a workaholic. My job is my life, and that isn’t going to change. I work even more than before. If we get back together, you’ll feel lonely again and sooner or later will look for someone else to entertain you, probably a woman. I will pretend not to see it, and we’ll hurt each other all the time… That’s what happened before! It’s pointless to repeat it, don’t you think?”
Masaki lowered his head. “So you’re giving up…”
“It’s not giving up, Aiba-san. It’s called moving on”
“And what will I do? I can’t move on…”
Sho looked at his ex. The man was gritting his teeth and gripping his jeans tightly. He hated seeing him sad. He stroked Masaki’s back to soothe him. “You will… I’m not that special, there must be plenty of people better than me out there. Besides, you’d be better off with a woman, don’t you think? You’re not gay” Masaki jumped on him. “What are you d-” he was cut off by Aiba’s lips on his and a tongue trying to invade his mouth. “Stop!” Sho pushed Masaki.
“Tell me you didn’t feel anything and I promise you I’ll go out through that door and you’ll never see me again. I’ll go to England, marry Becky and raise my daughter far away from you” Masaki said. “Say it and consider it done”
“I… um…”
“Then I won’t give up, Sho”
~*~
Masaki was serious about not giving up.
It had been three months, and not a day passed without him coming to Sho’s house or dropping by his office. They spent hours talking whenever Sho wasn’t too busy with work, and when he didn’t have so much time Masaki would just sit next to him and tell him random things until he fell asleep on Sho’s couch. He had never stayed over though. He’d always take a cab back to his apartment, even when it was past midnight.
Like that night. Masaki kept talking about Becky since he arrived. Since they ended their relationship in friendly terms, they often communicated in spite of the time zone difference. Becky was doing great at her job and she also got a new boyfriend. Yuki was growing up quickly and missed her daddy a lot. Becky promised the three of them would come to Japan on June. Masaki seemed very excited about this visit. He wanted to make sure the man who was dating Becky now would take good care of the woman and of Yuki.
Sho chuckled a bit when he saw Masaki mumbling death threats against the unknown man in case he dared to hurt ‘his girls’. Instead of feeling jealous, Sho was relieved. He liked this protective side of Masaki. In three months he found himself more in love with the man than ever, after rediscovering all those things he adored about Masaki and adding a few new ones to the list. Would it be alright to try again?
It was past 2:00 am. Masaki was falling asleep. He stood up and took his coat. “I think I’ll go home now Sho-chan. Good night…”
“Wait” Sho said, lifting his eyes from his laptop. “Stay here”
“Hmmm?” Masaki rubbed his eyes with a sleepy expression. Sho chuckled and took the man’s hand to guide him to the bedroom. Masaki laid on the king size bed and whined when Sho started walking away.
“I’m almost done. Go to sleep”
Sho finished his report half an hour later. He turned off his laptop and went to his room. The door was opened and Masaki was snoring softly. Sho smiled to the sight. He changed into his pajamas and slipped under the covers. Masaki pulled his arm and forced him to turn on his side to embrace him. Sho kissed Masaki’s nape and smiled again to himself wondering if moments like this were what ‘happiness’ was made of. He fell asleep shortly after. It was the first time in more than three years that a king sized bed didn’t seem enormous.
The End.