[one-shot] Trying not to try...
Title: Trying not to try…
Author: Saana
Pairing: one-sided/broken Sakuraiba
Genre: angst
Warning: possible OOCness
Disc.: as always it’s a fanfiction which makes me the fan and this story the fiction…
Summary: How to live on when you’re let down by the most precious person in your life and you have none to blame except yourself?...
A/N: I think it’s a bit different than my previous stories and also the first time trying to write from someone’s POV. Hope it’s not that bad though…
“Did you regret it?” he asked.
We were laying on the bed next to each other in the dimly lit room, staring at the quickly darkening ceiling.
“No” I said without hesitation and turned my head a bit to steal a glance of his profile. “I’m sure I’d regret more not to try it”
He said nothing at this and silence fell on us for a long time before he finally moved to pull me closer and hint small kisses onto my neck…
I sighed heavily as the alarm clock went off with its chirping noise, waking me from dreamland. I wished I’d stop dreaming and remembering. It didn’t help at all, on the contrary, it made everything worse, to be honest. It was bad enough that I could remember everything clearly when I was awake. I didn’t need dreams to remind me…
It took more effort to get out of the bed with every passing day. I told myself every day that ‘It’s just today, only one day. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow…’ This was the only way to muster up enough will to face another lonely day.
Sometimes I didn’t even notice when tears started running down my face. It almost became my second nature to cry that I realized it only when I was choking due to the lack of air in my lungs…
But there were days better and worse.
With passing time there were days when I could do my things, even laugh honestly and enjoy my life. But some day when I dreamt of him again, I just broke down all over again. On those days I wished if I could stay in bed and burry myself in my self-pity cause it felt too hard to face the cruel reality. On other days I just wondered how could one live with constant, numbing pain in their heart? But maybe one can’t… maybe it’s not even life… Maybe that’s why I felt I was watching over someone else’s life. I felt I was doing things that weren’t me. They weren’t actually stupid things but I didn’t think about actually doing them ever before… before everything happened… It was like being a teenager all over again…
“As if that wasn’t a torture enough for the first time…” Nino commented sarcastically when I told about my feelings to him. “Only you of all people can do this to yourself…”
His words immediately earned him a slap on the back of his head from Jun.
“Oi! What was that for?!” he snapped at his boyfriend.
Jun just threw him a meaningful glance then pushed a cup of tea in my hands.
“It’s okay, Aiba-chan, none’s gone force you into anything you don’t want. Do whatever you feel like. We’ll always be here for you…” he said with a gentle smile that I returned gratefully while I felt tears gathering in my eyes…
Three years later
“Aiba-chan! Hisashiburi!”
Hearing that voice I looked around and grinned widely as I spotted its owner as well in the airport’s crowd.
“Oh-chan!” I waved to my long not seen friend then hurried to hug him tightly. “I missed you!” I said smiling.
“Missed you too” the shorter guy answered with a similar wide grin. “I found you an apartment as you asked me. It’s near mine so if you need anything just come over! How long will you stay?”
“A few months, half a year probably… Till I finish my research” I said with a shrug. I didn’t really have a tight schedule, neither someone to hurry back to so it wasn’t that important.
“Great! It’ll be like in the old days. Well, except that Nino and Matsujun are not here… How are they?”
“You know, the same old… Always bickering and complaining about the other but inseparable as always” I said with a soft, affectionate smile on my lips.
“They should come and visit sometimes. I miss them too” Ohno said with a cute pout that made him look ten years younger than his actual age. I laughed at this and promised to forward his invitation.
“Oh, if you’re not too tired from the flight, tonight we’re going out with a few friends that I want to introduce to you” Ohno said.
“Sure, why not?” I agreed with a nod though I wasn’t really in the mood of meeting new people.
“Yay!” Ohno grinned widely. “Oh, Sho’ll be there too!...” he added casually, not having the slightest clue what an emotional turbulence these words caused in me…
‘Sho…’ Even after all these years, it was heart-wrenching how easily the older man’s face appeared in my mind. We practically stopped talking after a few months of his departure. Except occasional, short birthday messages or holiday greeting, we never contacted each other ever since. Even if I still felt like wanting to know everything about him and his life, this feeling didn’t seem to be mutual. Also when I did ask, his answers made if more than clear how happy ha was right then and it just broke my heart more. And since he never actually asked how I was doing, I stopped asking too just to protect what remained of my heart.
And now… I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see him or if I ever will be. But I also knew that with Oh-chan around, I probably couldn’t avoid seeing him sooner or later. Maybe it’s better if it happens sooner than later…
Well, dinner went well, I’d have said… ‘Define well!’ the snarky voice in my head that sounded awfully like Nino snorted at this. Well as in not having to interact with Sho too much. Ohno’s friends asked a bunch of questions which kept me busy while we ate but I couldn’t not notice that Sho was popular as ever, especially among the women in the group… ‘As expected him…’
“Your turn now, Aiba-chan!” Ohno’s voice woke me from my mental conversation with Nino.
“Huh?” I looked at my friend confused then at the mic that was pushed into my hand.
After dinner we moved to a karaoke booth due to Ohno’s proposal but so far I was too preoccupied with my own little world to listen to the others or notice when Ohno put in a song for me to sing.
“But… I… don’t…” I tried to protest in vain but it was useless once Ohno made up his mind so I had no choice but surrender to my fate. I sighed and turned to the monitor. The intro was nearing its end. If only he would’ve chosen another song…
Nanigenaku waraiaeteru Itsumo to kawaranai yuugure mo
Nido to was nai meibamen da Ima wa kokoro kara anou yo…
Owareru you ni Sugite itta Hibi no naka Miotoshite ita
Itsudemo Sugu Aeru you na ki ga shiteta
Terekusakutte ienakatta Dakishimete sakebitakatta
Takusan no ai wo, yasashisa wo arigatou…As always when I listened to this song I became dazed, the others clapping woke me as if from a dream.
“Aiba-chan, you’re really good!” someone said.
I couldn’t find who said it so I just smiled blindly to the general direction of the voice. I felt my eyes stinging with tears. I had to get out of here…
“I’ll be back…” I muttered to Ohno, pushing the mic into his chest and hurried out.
Somehow I stumbled to an emergency exit and pushing the heavy metal door open, I stepped out the steel staircase. The cool night breeze felt like heaven on my cheeks. Slowly I felt the slump in my throat disappear as well as the sudden urge of crying. But it still left the feeling of weakness in my body and I needed to lean to the rail as I looked out the sparkling lights of the city that never seemed to sleep…
“There you are!”
I jumped at the voice but didn’t dare to turn around and face him.
“Are you okay?” Sho asked, obvious concern coloring his voice.
“Sure. Just needed some fresh air” I said still looking at the scenery in front of me.
“If you say so…”
I wonder if only I felt this silence that fell on us awkward but I had no idea what to say to break it. Anything that came to my mind sounded too much, too aggressive, or on the contrary, too indifferent.
“So, you’ll ignore me just like you did till now?”
I took a deep breath before turned around to face him finally. He stood there, handsome and cool as always. As many times before, I couldn’t help but wonder if he has no emotions or just that good at hiding, controlling them…
“I wasn’t ignoring you. You seemed… preoccupied with others so I didn’t want to bother…” I said and even managed to flash a smile. Before he could say a thing at this, I changed the topic quickly: “I heard from Oh-chan that you got promoted recently. Congrats…”
“Oh, thanks…” he said with a half proud, half shy smile. “You know, I was surprised when Satoshi told me you’re coming here. Why didn’t you tell me?”
‘I wrote it to you… You just forgot it as it seems…’ I thought bitterly. This was the conversation that I wasn’t ready at all.
“We should go back. Oh-chan must worry…” I said and not waiting for his reaction, hurried past him heading back to our room…
After this first night things seemed to fall into a simple pattern. Sho didn’t bring up the same question and followed my example on keeping the three-step distance between us. Whenever we me in a larger party neither of us said or asked anything too personal. And even if this hurt just the same, I could keep my feelings at bay, knowing there’d be no meaning trying to press the matter. He made it clear enough back then…
‘I didn’t think we were together in that meaning at all…’
More than a month had passed when it happened.
I just started preparing dinner when the doorbell rang. Sighing, I put down the vegetables on the small kitchen’s counter and went to open the door.
“Sho! What are you doing here?!” I asked surprised - and a tiny bit scarred - seeing who my visitor was.
“Satoshi told me where you live…” he said instead of answering. There was something unusual in the way he stood there and it bothered and made me feel somehow uncomfortable.
“I guess it’s not just a house-warming visit so why don’t you come in? I was just about to make some dinner…” I said opening the door some more to let him in.
I headed back to the kitchen to prepare dinner and heard him following me soon enough. He just stood around the kitchen while I cooked.
“Why did you come here?” he asked suddenly.
My head shot up from the cooking and looked at his. He looked back with that unreadable but somehow serious face of his.
I told him about my research on how to optimize orphan animals caring so they’ll be able to survive when they’re let back to the wild. It was strange how it didn’t feel strange at all; talking to Sho about my goals; being there just the two of us; chatting like in the old days… As if that summer episode would’ve never happened…
But even if he didn’t say it, I felt he wasn’t looking for the answer that I gave him. Yet after this visit we hang out more, just the two of us or with Oh-chan and other friends as well. It really was the same as back then. It was also easy and familiar that gave peace to my troubled heart. I wouldn’t say that it wasn’t tempting or that deep down I stopped wishing it’d be more between me and Sho but I learnt to accept and cherish every moment with him with slight stinging sadness in my heart.
Still, sometimes I wondered if there were any feelings - even on my part - at all. Sometimes it was so easy to be friends with him; it was so easy to talk to him; and he was so broad-minded, always focusing on you while you talked your heart out… But I knew that this exact same thing was the reason why it was so easy to fall in love with him…
“You know what the scariest thing in the world is?” I asked suddenly out of a blue.
We were at some bar or club - I couldn’t really remember. We actually came with Ohno but he disappeared somewhere quite some time ago. ‘Probably hooked up with someone…’ my inner-Nino commented brattily.
“What?” Sho asked with a raised eyebrow.
“A dream coming true” I said. Later I blamed everything on the amount of booze we - I - consumed by then already. Friends or not, I forbade myself to have ay heart-to-heart conversation with Sho to avoid unnecessary complications, a. k. a. feelings…
“A dream coming true?” Sho repeated my words laughing into his beer. “People usually happy about that, not scarred”
“I never said it’s not happy. But it’s really scary in the same time. You know, when you’re working hard, giving your best for years to achieve something… something that’s on a distant horizon always and then BUMM! It’s there. In an arm’s reach… and you can’t remember how you got there… and you have no idea what to do, how to live on after that…” I shifted my eyes from that non-existent distant point I was staring at to his face and my heart thumped painfully at the sight. He was looking back at me with those eyes as if he knew exactly what I was trying to say. I groaned ashamed and buried my face in my folded arms.
“Hey, what’s wrong now?” Sho asked.
“You’re doing that again…” I mumbled into my elbow but peeked out at him.
“That?” he asked back confused.
“That you-thingy…” I said sighing and sat up properly. “Like sitting there, listening to me patiently, even pretending that you’re interested in my baggage that I rambling out to you…” I avoided his eyes as I reached for my beer. “Sorry” I said before drowning the rest of my drink.
He said nothing. Neither confirmed, nor denied that my rambling would bother him. ‘Another Sho-thingy…’ That he remained silent the times when I needed the most to get some - any - kind of reaction from him.
Silence started to drag awfully long between us. It started to get awkward, well, to me for sure. Just when I was about to come up with some excuse to leave the table for a short while at least, Ohno appeared and dropped back into his chair.
“Hey, guys! This place is so much fun, isn’t it?” he asked with a too wide, too drunk grin before slumped into my shoulder.
I peeked at him worriedly but he just fell asleep. I couldn’t hold back a bemused smile at this.
“Is this really okay for you to be here so long?” Sho asked suddenly.
“Huh?” I turned back to his confused. “What do you mean?”
“You’re wearing a ring” he said pointing at my left ring-finger. “Since you barely wore any kind of jewelry before, you must be engaged… Or married?”
Something was off with his tone but I couldn’t put a finger on what it was. It almost sounded as jealousy but I was too tipsy to be sure about anything. I looked down at my hand where I did actually wear a simple golden band. I smiled softly.
“Well, you can say that” I chuckled a bit.
“Aren’t they taking offense in your long absence? You’re here since, what? Four months?”
“No, they aren’t. Actually they support me the most to walk my own path” I said still smiling. “They’re there with me everywhere where I go”
“Huh?” now it was Sho’s turn to be confused and I couldn’t help but giggle at his face.
“It’s me” I said explaining. “I’m not engaged or married to anyone. I wear the ring to remind myself that I have to walk my own path, making my own decisions and occasionally, my own mistakes… You know that I tend to try living up to everyone’s expectations and falling into others’ shadow… I realized I have to change that cause that way I’ll… just be left behind again…” I finished shortly.
“Aiba-chan… I…” Sho started but for once I wanted him to say nothing so I cut in quickly.
“I should take Oh-chan home” I said and stood up, pulling my older friend with me. “Jya ne…”
After the bar-incident I admit I avoided Sho as much as that was possible. Cowardice or not, I knew I have to put more distance between us unless I’ll fall back to that dark place where I was after he left me back then. The funny part was that he did try to reach me this time. He sent me a few texts but I always left them unanswered even if I wasn’t strong enough to not to read them.
A few weeks later Oh-chan called. I didn’t really keep in touch with him wither during this time, afraid to hear about or meet with Sho through him. I needed distraction from everything and anything related to him and the zoo where I did my research gave just that to me so I actually was pretty busy these days thanks to it.
“Hey, Oh-chan! What’s up?” I asked as cheerful as I managed.
“Hey back, Aiba-chan! We’re going out with some friends. Wanna join us?” he asked.
“Who’s coming?” I asked cautious but trying to sound casual.
“Just the same people as always… Matsuoka senpai, Chinen-kun, Maru, Sho…”
I tensed at hearing his name immediately.
“Ehm… thanks for the thought but I can’t tonight… I have to be at the zoo pretty early tomorrow. But have fun! And maybe next time…” I said and already hated myself for lying to Ohno.
“Oh… You seem really busy recently. Take care of yourself!” he sounded disappointed and worried which just made me feel worse. “Well, then next time hopefully!”
But I found an excuse next time and the one after that and every time when he said Sho will be there as well. I felt guilty for it but I couldn’t help it. I knew that next time I see him there are high possibilities that I’ll end up saying something I shouldn’t. Either blaming him for my suffering or confessing… I had no idea which was worse…
Then the time came when I couldn’t hide anymore and I had no place to run - unless I wanted to offend dozen of people. As I finished my research, I had only a week left here so Oh-chan decided to throw me a farewell party. I think most of the guests were friends of friends of… some other friends cause I was sure I barely knew any of them there. Still I appreciated the gesture cause it was really nice of them for coming. Except…
Sho was here as well of course…
So I did the only thing I could. I kept the utmost distance from him that I could in the limited space and drank whatever people gave me.
After a while I realized I didn’t see him for quite some time now. ‘He left probably…’ I thought and - despite being the one who avoided him till now - felt strangely sad. Trying to get rid off this feeling, I headed to the bar to grab another drink. As I tried to find my way through the dimly lit hallway, someone grabbed my wrist out of nowhere and tugging at it made me fall on my knees with a yelp. As my eyes got used to the darkness I found myself face-to-face with Sho who was sitting in the dark and by the clinking noise from my fall, his only company was a few empty beer bottles. ‘Too close!’ my mind screamed and I tried to free myself but he just tightened his fingers at my attempt. His grip wasn’t actually hurting but it wasn’t soft either and it sent those sparks sprinkle under my skin. It took only this one touch and all those feelings and memories that I tried to lock away in the depth of my heart, broke free…
Our first kiss… We were drunk or tipsy at least but it didn’t seem to matter. And his words after that… ‘I hope you won’t forget it by tomorrow… I want you to remember…’
The way he hugged and kissed me goodbye when we last saw each other…
I felt tears stinging my eyes and made another futile attempt to get free.
“Let me go! It hurts! What’s wrong with you?” I asked as calm as I could.
“Those should be my words!” he hissed and anger flashed in his eyes. Or was that hurt? I was too tipsy to be able to make the difference between his expressions. “Why are you ignoring me? You weren’t like this. The Aiba-chan I knew was…”
“Stop it! Stop it!” I snapped. With my free hand trying to cover my ear and I closed my eyes tightly turning my head away from him. As if these things made me not hear him… But to my surprise, Sho did stop as I went on. “Stop giving these goddamn mixed signals to me! You’re ruining everything!” I don’t know, I might have been shouting, I’m not sure but seemingly none heard it due to the blasting music in the main room.
I felt Sho letting go my wrist and my other hand fell onto my lap limply as well. Heavy silence fell on us which forced me to open my eyes slowly. Sho was staring at me, his eyes a bit wider than usual but except that his face was calm. I let out a breathy sigh.
“You know the saying ‘Hope dies last’, yeah? Well, I finally understood why they say that… Cause hope kills you first…” I said slowly, my eyes drifting off from Sho’s face, staring somewhere into the darkness. “When you knew it’s impossible but you keep hoping for the slightest clue, the tiniest hint, you keep waiting for a signal, a message, a word that never comes. And you try to reason yourself that it was alright, cause that’s they way things should be and it doesn’t matter anyway but deep inside everything’s just crumbling down a little. And the next day this whole circle starts again and in the end hope is what makes the disappointment unbearable and makes you start question yourself” I said and slowly looked back at him, straight in his eyes. “I got it that you didn’t want me. I accepted it long ago and respect your decision. I’m not angry at you either. If there’s anyone to blame then it’s only me. But I want you to respect my decision as well, so please, please just stop! Don’t ruin everything that I reached so far cause I doubt I’ll be able to pick myself up for a second time…”
Just then my eyes widened as I realized what I did. I told him everything that I vowed never telling him. I got up and stumbling on my own feet I ran away from him.
“Hey, Aiba-chan, are you okay?” Ohno asked me worried.
I stared at him for a second before shaking my head.
“No, I… I’m… leaving…” I managed to stutter out before I rushed to the front door. I heard my friend calling ‘I’m going with you then!’ but I didn’t wait for him. I had to get out, I felt suffocating. I had to get as far away from Sho as it was possible…
As the cold night - dawn - air hit my face it immediately sobered me up. I took a deep breath before started to walk toward the main street, looking for a taxi. I barely took a few steps when Ohno appeared on my side.
“Aiba-chan! What happened?” he asked looking at my worried.
I tried to smile at him reassuring but I think that rather looked like a frown than a smile.
“Nothing, I…” in the end I just shook my head and walked along. He followed me silent…
Just as we managed to hail a taxi…
“Masaki!”
That cry made me tense and tingly at the same time.
Ohno turned around and after taking a deep breath I did the same. Sho stood a few meters behind us, trying to catch his breath. He took a step but then stopped again as if he was afraid to come any closer.
I felt Ohno’s curious eyes on me. I sighed.
“Wait for a second, please…” I asked him and walked over to Sho.
His usual calm and unreadable expression was nowhere. He looked desperate and devastated. Suddenly I felt sorry for him, wanting to hug him, telling everything will be alright but of course I couldn’t…
“Masaki, I…”
I shook my head and felt a small smile forming on my lips.
“Ssshh!... It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. Just let go!” I said gently then cradled his face in my palm and breathed the ghost of a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for everything, Sho-chan! Sayonara…” I whispered then walked back to Ohno without looking back.
“Are you sure it’s okay like this?” he asked silently when I reached him. It was obvious that he watched and understood the whole situation.
“Yeah… It’s for the better…” I breathed out before getting into the taxi…
One year later
“Tadaima!” I said as I entered my apartment.
I barely stepped out of my shoes when I heard running footsteps coming. I couldn’t hold back a smile.
“Okaeri!” Sho said beaming at me.
I smiled back at him.
“Sho-chan, what are you doing here?” I asked curious and surprised, not that I minded his presence at all.
He just smiled wider and grabbing my wrist, dragged me to the kitchen.
“Ta-da! I made dinner for us!” he announced proudly pointing at the nicely set table, candles lit and food served already.
I raised an eyebrow and looked at him doubtfully.
“Okay, I actually ordered take-out from your favourite restaurant” he admitted sheepishly. “But I did do the serving and everything else!” he added hurriedly.
I smiled at him fondly. He changed a lot during the past year - and not just in that he was willing to go out with me this time. He was always sweet and thoughtful of me. Just like now…
I put down my bag next to the door and stepped to the table.
“And what’s the occasion? Are we celebrating something?” I asked referring to the chilled champagne bottle that stood on the table as well. “Our anniversary’s just two weeks later…”
“I know” Sho nodded and took my hand. “But today’s a special anniversary as well…”
“Of what?” I asked surprised.
“That I decided to stop being a coward and start chase after you…” he said and raising my hand he kissed into my palm.
“Cheesy…” I said teasing but felt as hot blush crept onto my cheeks.
“And you love every minute of it” Sho mumbled into my palm grinning.
“I do” I admitted shamelessly and grinned back at him. “And I love you, Sho”
“I love you too, Masaki” he said smiling before pulled me in for a kiss to prove his words.
And who was I to try resist that?...
♥おわり♥
A/N: hey, minna! hisashiburi!!! it was ages ago that I last posted anything since RL was a bitch... >.< but now I'm back and probably will post more every now and then... well, let me know what you think about this comeback-fic of mine... yoroshiku, ne~! ^.^
Author: Saana
Pairing: one-sided/broken Sakuraiba
Genre: angst
Warning: possible OOCness
Disc.: as always it’s a fanfiction which makes me the fan and this story the fiction…
Summary: How to live on when you’re let down by the most precious person in your life and you have none to blame except yourself?...
A/N: I think it’s a bit different than my previous stories and also the first time trying to write from someone’s POV. Hope it’s not that bad though…
“Did you regret it?” he asked.
We were laying on the bed next to each other in the dimly lit room, staring at the quickly darkening ceiling.
“No” I said without hesitation and turned my head a bit to steal a glance of his profile. “I’m sure I’d regret more not to try it”
He said nothing at this and silence fell on us for a long time before he finally moved to pull me closer and hint small kisses onto my neck…
I sighed heavily as the alarm clock went off with its chirping noise, waking me from dreamland. I wished I’d stop dreaming and remembering. It didn’t help at all, on the contrary, it made everything worse, to be honest. It was bad enough that I could remember everything clearly when I was awake. I didn’t need dreams to remind me…
It took more effort to get out of the bed with every passing day. I told myself every day that ‘It’s just today, only one day. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow…’ This was the only way to muster up enough will to face another lonely day.
Sometimes I didn’t even notice when tears started running down my face. It almost became my second nature to cry that I realized it only when I was choking due to the lack of air in my lungs…
But there were days better and worse.
With passing time there were days when I could do my things, even laugh honestly and enjoy my life. But some day when I dreamt of him again, I just broke down all over again. On those days I wished if I could stay in bed and burry myself in my self-pity cause it felt too hard to face the cruel reality. On other days I just wondered how could one live with constant, numbing pain in their heart? But maybe one can’t… maybe it’s not even life… Maybe that’s why I felt I was watching over someone else’s life. I felt I was doing things that weren’t me. They weren’t actually stupid things but I didn’t think about actually doing them ever before… before everything happened… It was like being a teenager all over again…
“As if that wasn’t a torture enough for the first time…” Nino commented sarcastically when I told about my feelings to him. “Only you of all people can do this to yourself…”
His words immediately earned him a slap on the back of his head from Jun.
“Oi! What was that for?!” he snapped at his boyfriend.
Jun just threw him a meaningful glance then pushed a cup of tea in my hands.
“It’s okay, Aiba-chan, none’s gone force you into anything you don’t want. Do whatever you feel like. We’ll always be here for you…” he said with a gentle smile that I returned gratefully while I felt tears gathering in my eyes…
Three years later
“Aiba-chan! Hisashiburi!”
Hearing that voice I looked around and grinned widely as I spotted its owner as well in the airport’s crowd.
“Oh-chan!” I waved to my long not seen friend then hurried to hug him tightly. “I missed you!” I said smiling.
“Missed you too” the shorter guy answered with a similar wide grin. “I found you an apartment as you asked me. It’s near mine so if you need anything just come over! How long will you stay?”
“A few months, half a year probably… Till I finish my research” I said with a shrug. I didn’t really have a tight schedule, neither someone to hurry back to so it wasn’t that important.
“Great! It’ll be like in the old days. Well, except that Nino and Matsujun are not here… How are they?”
“You know, the same old… Always bickering and complaining about the other but inseparable as always” I said with a soft, affectionate smile on my lips.
“They should come and visit sometimes. I miss them too” Ohno said with a cute pout that made him look ten years younger than his actual age. I laughed at this and promised to forward his invitation.
“Oh, if you’re not too tired from the flight, tonight we’re going out with a few friends that I want to introduce to you” Ohno said.
“Sure, why not?” I agreed with a nod though I wasn’t really in the mood of meeting new people.
“Yay!” Ohno grinned widely. “Oh, Sho’ll be there too!...” he added casually, not having the slightest clue what an emotional turbulence these words caused in me…
‘Sho…’ Even after all these years, it was heart-wrenching how easily the older man’s face appeared in my mind. We practically stopped talking after a few months of his departure. Except occasional, short birthday messages or holiday greeting, we never contacted each other ever since. Even if I still felt like wanting to know everything about him and his life, this feeling didn’t seem to be mutual. Also when I did ask, his answers made if more than clear how happy ha was right then and it just broke my heart more. And since he never actually asked how I was doing, I stopped asking too just to protect what remained of my heart.
And now… I wasn’t sure if I was ready to see him or if I ever will be. But I also knew that with Oh-chan around, I probably couldn’t avoid seeing him sooner or later. Maybe it’s better if it happens sooner than later…
Well, dinner went well, I’d have said… ‘Define well!’ the snarky voice in my head that sounded awfully like Nino snorted at this. Well as in not having to interact with Sho too much. Ohno’s friends asked a bunch of questions which kept me busy while we ate but I couldn’t not notice that Sho was popular as ever, especially among the women in the group… ‘As expected him…’
“Your turn now, Aiba-chan!” Ohno’s voice woke me from my mental conversation with Nino.
“Huh?” I looked at my friend confused then at the mic that was pushed into my hand.
After dinner we moved to a karaoke booth due to Ohno’s proposal but so far I was too preoccupied with my own little world to listen to the others or notice when Ohno put in a song for me to sing.
“But… I… don’t…” I tried to protest in vain but it was useless once Ohno made up his mind so I had no choice but surrender to my fate. I sighed and turned to the monitor. The intro was nearing its end. If only he would’ve chosen another song…
Nanigenaku waraiaeteru Itsumo to kawaranai yuugure mo
Nido to was nai meibamen da Ima wa kokoro kara anou yo…
Owareru you ni Sugite itta Hibi no naka Miotoshite ita
Itsudemo Sugu Aeru you na ki ga shiteta
Terekusakutte ienakatta Dakishimete sakebitakatta
Takusan no ai wo, yasashisa wo arigatou…As always when I listened to this song I became dazed, the others clapping woke me as if from a dream.
“Aiba-chan, you’re really good!” someone said.
I couldn’t find who said it so I just smiled blindly to the general direction of the voice. I felt my eyes stinging with tears. I had to get out of here…
“I’ll be back…” I muttered to Ohno, pushing the mic into his chest and hurried out.
Somehow I stumbled to an emergency exit and pushing the heavy metal door open, I stepped out the steel staircase. The cool night breeze felt like heaven on my cheeks. Slowly I felt the slump in my throat disappear as well as the sudden urge of crying. But it still left the feeling of weakness in my body and I needed to lean to the rail as I looked out the sparkling lights of the city that never seemed to sleep…
“There you are!”
I jumped at the voice but didn’t dare to turn around and face him.
“Are you okay?” Sho asked, obvious concern coloring his voice.
“Sure. Just needed some fresh air” I said still looking at the scenery in front of me.
“If you say so…”
I wonder if only I felt this silence that fell on us awkward but I had no idea what to say to break it. Anything that came to my mind sounded too much, too aggressive, or on the contrary, too indifferent.
“So, you’ll ignore me just like you did till now?”
I took a deep breath before turned around to face him finally. He stood there, handsome and cool as always. As many times before, I couldn’t help but wonder if he has no emotions or just that good at hiding, controlling them…
“I wasn’t ignoring you. You seemed… preoccupied with others so I didn’t want to bother…” I said and even managed to flash a smile. Before he could say a thing at this, I changed the topic quickly: “I heard from Oh-chan that you got promoted recently. Congrats…”
“Oh, thanks…” he said with a half proud, half shy smile. “You know, I was surprised when Satoshi told me you’re coming here. Why didn’t you tell me?”
‘I wrote it to you… You just forgot it as it seems…’ I thought bitterly. This was the conversation that I wasn’t ready at all.
“We should go back. Oh-chan must worry…” I said and not waiting for his reaction, hurried past him heading back to our room…
After this first night things seemed to fall into a simple pattern. Sho didn’t bring up the same question and followed my example on keeping the three-step distance between us. Whenever we me in a larger party neither of us said or asked anything too personal. And even if this hurt just the same, I could keep my feelings at bay, knowing there’d be no meaning trying to press the matter. He made it clear enough back then…
‘I didn’t think we were together in that meaning at all…’
More than a month had passed when it happened.
I just started preparing dinner when the doorbell rang. Sighing, I put down the vegetables on the small kitchen’s counter and went to open the door.
“Sho! What are you doing here?!” I asked surprised - and a tiny bit scarred - seeing who my visitor was.
“Satoshi told me where you live…” he said instead of answering. There was something unusual in the way he stood there and it bothered and made me feel somehow uncomfortable.
“I guess it’s not just a house-warming visit so why don’t you come in? I was just about to make some dinner…” I said opening the door some more to let him in.
I headed back to the kitchen to prepare dinner and heard him following me soon enough. He just stood around the kitchen while I cooked.
“Why did you come here?” he asked suddenly.
My head shot up from the cooking and looked at his. He looked back with that unreadable but somehow serious face of his.
I told him about my research on how to optimize orphan animals caring so they’ll be able to survive when they’re let back to the wild. It was strange how it didn’t feel strange at all; talking to Sho about my goals; being there just the two of us; chatting like in the old days… As if that summer episode would’ve never happened…
But even if he didn’t say it, I felt he wasn’t looking for the answer that I gave him. Yet after this visit we hang out more, just the two of us or with Oh-chan and other friends as well. It really was the same as back then. It was also easy and familiar that gave peace to my troubled heart. I wouldn’t say that it wasn’t tempting or that deep down I stopped wishing it’d be more between me and Sho but I learnt to accept and cherish every moment with him with slight stinging sadness in my heart.
Still, sometimes I wondered if there were any feelings - even on my part - at all. Sometimes it was so easy to be friends with him; it was so easy to talk to him; and he was so broad-minded, always focusing on you while you talked your heart out… But I knew that this exact same thing was the reason why it was so easy to fall in love with him…
“You know what the scariest thing in the world is?” I asked suddenly out of a blue.
We were at some bar or club - I couldn’t really remember. We actually came with Ohno but he disappeared somewhere quite some time ago. ‘Probably hooked up with someone…’ my inner-Nino commented brattily.
“What?” Sho asked with a raised eyebrow.
“A dream coming true” I said. Later I blamed everything on the amount of booze we - I - consumed by then already. Friends or not, I forbade myself to have ay heart-to-heart conversation with Sho to avoid unnecessary complications, a. k. a. feelings…
“A dream coming true?” Sho repeated my words laughing into his beer. “People usually happy about that, not scarred”
“I never said it’s not happy. But it’s really scary in the same time. You know, when you’re working hard, giving your best for years to achieve something… something that’s on a distant horizon always and then BUMM! It’s there. In an arm’s reach… and you can’t remember how you got there… and you have no idea what to do, how to live on after that…” I shifted my eyes from that non-existent distant point I was staring at to his face and my heart thumped painfully at the sight. He was looking back at me with those eyes as if he knew exactly what I was trying to say. I groaned ashamed and buried my face in my folded arms.
“Hey, what’s wrong now?” Sho asked.
“You’re doing that again…” I mumbled into my elbow but peeked out at him.
“That?” he asked back confused.
“That you-thingy…” I said sighing and sat up properly. “Like sitting there, listening to me patiently, even pretending that you’re interested in my baggage that I rambling out to you…” I avoided his eyes as I reached for my beer. “Sorry” I said before drowning the rest of my drink.
He said nothing. Neither confirmed, nor denied that my rambling would bother him. ‘Another Sho-thingy…’ That he remained silent the times when I needed the most to get some - any - kind of reaction from him.
Silence started to drag awfully long between us. It started to get awkward, well, to me for sure. Just when I was about to come up with some excuse to leave the table for a short while at least, Ohno appeared and dropped back into his chair.
“Hey, guys! This place is so much fun, isn’t it?” he asked with a too wide, too drunk grin before slumped into my shoulder.
I peeked at him worriedly but he just fell asleep. I couldn’t hold back a bemused smile at this.
“Is this really okay for you to be here so long?” Sho asked suddenly.
“Huh?” I turned back to his confused. “What do you mean?”
“You’re wearing a ring” he said pointing at my left ring-finger. “Since you barely wore any kind of jewelry before, you must be engaged… Or married?”
Something was off with his tone but I couldn’t put a finger on what it was. It almost sounded as jealousy but I was too tipsy to be sure about anything. I looked down at my hand where I did actually wear a simple golden band. I smiled softly.
“Well, you can say that” I chuckled a bit.
“Aren’t they taking offense in your long absence? You’re here since, what? Four months?”
“No, they aren’t. Actually they support me the most to walk my own path” I said still smiling. “They’re there with me everywhere where I go”
“Huh?” now it was Sho’s turn to be confused and I couldn’t help but giggle at his face.
“It’s me” I said explaining. “I’m not engaged or married to anyone. I wear the ring to remind myself that I have to walk my own path, making my own decisions and occasionally, my own mistakes… You know that I tend to try living up to everyone’s expectations and falling into others’ shadow… I realized I have to change that cause that way I’ll… just be left behind again…” I finished shortly.
“Aiba-chan… I…” Sho started but for once I wanted him to say nothing so I cut in quickly.
“I should take Oh-chan home” I said and stood up, pulling my older friend with me. “Jya ne…”
After the bar-incident I admit I avoided Sho as much as that was possible. Cowardice or not, I knew I have to put more distance between us unless I’ll fall back to that dark place where I was after he left me back then. The funny part was that he did try to reach me this time. He sent me a few texts but I always left them unanswered even if I wasn’t strong enough to not to read them.
A few weeks later Oh-chan called. I didn’t really keep in touch with him wither during this time, afraid to hear about or meet with Sho through him. I needed distraction from everything and anything related to him and the zoo where I did my research gave just that to me so I actually was pretty busy these days thanks to it.
“Hey, Oh-chan! What’s up?” I asked as cheerful as I managed.
“Hey back, Aiba-chan! We’re going out with some friends. Wanna join us?” he asked.
“Who’s coming?” I asked cautious but trying to sound casual.
“Just the same people as always… Matsuoka senpai, Chinen-kun, Maru, Sho…”
I tensed at hearing his name immediately.
“Ehm… thanks for the thought but I can’t tonight… I have to be at the zoo pretty early tomorrow. But have fun! And maybe next time…” I said and already hated myself for lying to Ohno.
“Oh… You seem really busy recently. Take care of yourself!” he sounded disappointed and worried which just made me feel worse. “Well, then next time hopefully!”
But I found an excuse next time and the one after that and every time when he said Sho will be there as well. I felt guilty for it but I couldn’t help it. I knew that next time I see him there are high possibilities that I’ll end up saying something I shouldn’t. Either blaming him for my suffering or confessing… I had no idea which was worse…
Then the time came when I couldn’t hide anymore and I had no place to run - unless I wanted to offend dozen of people. As I finished my research, I had only a week left here so Oh-chan decided to throw me a farewell party. I think most of the guests were friends of friends of… some other friends cause I was sure I barely knew any of them there. Still I appreciated the gesture cause it was really nice of them for coming. Except…
Sho was here as well of course…
So I did the only thing I could. I kept the utmost distance from him that I could in the limited space and drank whatever people gave me.
After a while I realized I didn’t see him for quite some time now. ‘He left probably…’ I thought and - despite being the one who avoided him till now - felt strangely sad. Trying to get rid off this feeling, I headed to the bar to grab another drink. As I tried to find my way through the dimly lit hallway, someone grabbed my wrist out of nowhere and tugging at it made me fall on my knees with a yelp. As my eyes got used to the darkness I found myself face-to-face with Sho who was sitting in the dark and by the clinking noise from my fall, his only company was a few empty beer bottles. ‘Too close!’ my mind screamed and I tried to free myself but he just tightened his fingers at my attempt. His grip wasn’t actually hurting but it wasn’t soft either and it sent those sparks sprinkle under my skin. It took only this one touch and all those feelings and memories that I tried to lock away in the depth of my heart, broke free…
Our first kiss… We were drunk or tipsy at least but it didn’t seem to matter. And his words after that… ‘I hope you won’t forget it by tomorrow… I want you to remember…’
The way he hugged and kissed me goodbye when we last saw each other…
I felt tears stinging my eyes and made another futile attempt to get free.
“Let me go! It hurts! What’s wrong with you?” I asked as calm as I could.
“Those should be my words!” he hissed and anger flashed in his eyes. Or was that hurt? I was too tipsy to be able to make the difference between his expressions. “Why are you ignoring me? You weren’t like this. The Aiba-chan I knew was…”
“Stop it! Stop it!” I snapped. With my free hand trying to cover my ear and I closed my eyes tightly turning my head away from him. As if these things made me not hear him… But to my surprise, Sho did stop as I went on. “Stop giving these goddamn mixed signals to me! You’re ruining everything!” I don’t know, I might have been shouting, I’m not sure but seemingly none heard it due to the blasting music in the main room.
I felt Sho letting go my wrist and my other hand fell onto my lap limply as well. Heavy silence fell on us which forced me to open my eyes slowly. Sho was staring at me, his eyes a bit wider than usual but except that his face was calm. I let out a breathy sigh.
“You know the saying ‘Hope dies last’, yeah? Well, I finally understood why they say that… Cause hope kills you first…” I said slowly, my eyes drifting off from Sho’s face, staring somewhere into the darkness. “When you knew it’s impossible but you keep hoping for the slightest clue, the tiniest hint, you keep waiting for a signal, a message, a word that never comes. And you try to reason yourself that it was alright, cause that’s they way things should be and it doesn’t matter anyway but deep inside everything’s just crumbling down a little. And the next day this whole circle starts again and in the end hope is what makes the disappointment unbearable and makes you start question yourself” I said and slowly looked back at him, straight in his eyes. “I got it that you didn’t want me. I accepted it long ago and respect your decision. I’m not angry at you either. If there’s anyone to blame then it’s only me. But I want you to respect my decision as well, so please, please just stop! Don’t ruin everything that I reached so far cause I doubt I’ll be able to pick myself up for a second time…”
Just then my eyes widened as I realized what I did. I told him everything that I vowed never telling him. I got up and stumbling on my own feet I ran away from him.
“Hey, Aiba-chan, are you okay?” Ohno asked me worried.
I stared at him for a second before shaking my head.
“No, I… I’m… leaving…” I managed to stutter out before I rushed to the front door. I heard my friend calling ‘I’m going with you then!’ but I didn’t wait for him. I had to get out, I felt suffocating. I had to get as far away from Sho as it was possible…
As the cold night - dawn - air hit my face it immediately sobered me up. I took a deep breath before started to walk toward the main street, looking for a taxi. I barely took a few steps when Ohno appeared on my side.
“Aiba-chan! What happened?” he asked looking at my worried.
I tried to smile at him reassuring but I think that rather looked like a frown than a smile.
“Nothing, I…” in the end I just shook my head and walked along. He followed me silent…
Just as we managed to hail a taxi…
“Masaki!”
That cry made me tense and tingly at the same time.
Ohno turned around and after taking a deep breath I did the same. Sho stood a few meters behind us, trying to catch his breath. He took a step but then stopped again as if he was afraid to come any closer.
I felt Ohno’s curious eyes on me. I sighed.
“Wait for a second, please…” I asked him and walked over to Sho.
His usual calm and unreadable expression was nowhere. He looked desperate and devastated. Suddenly I felt sorry for him, wanting to hug him, telling everything will be alright but of course I couldn’t…
“Masaki, I…”
I shook my head and felt a small smile forming on my lips.
“Ssshh!... It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. Just let go!” I said gently then cradled his face in my palm and breathed the ghost of a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for everything, Sho-chan! Sayonara…” I whispered then walked back to Ohno without looking back.
“Are you sure it’s okay like this?” he asked silently when I reached him. It was obvious that he watched and understood the whole situation.
“Yeah… It’s for the better…” I breathed out before getting into the taxi…
One year later
“Tadaima!” I said as I entered my apartment.
I barely stepped out of my shoes when I heard running footsteps coming. I couldn’t hold back a smile.
“Okaeri!” Sho said beaming at me.
I smiled back at him.
“Sho-chan, what are you doing here?” I asked curious and surprised, not that I minded his presence at all.
He just smiled wider and grabbing my wrist, dragged me to the kitchen.
“Ta-da! I made dinner for us!” he announced proudly pointing at the nicely set table, candles lit and food served already.
I raised an eyebrow and looked at him doubtfully.
“Okay, I actually ordered take-out from your favourite restaurant” he admitted sheepishly. “But I did do the serving and everything else!” he added hurriedly.
I smiled at him fondly. He changed a lot during the past year - and not just in that he was willing to go out with me this time. He was always sweet and thoughtful of me. Just like now…
I put down my bag next to the door and stepped to the table.
“And what’s the occasion? Are we celebrating something?” I asked referring to the chilled champagne bottle that stood on the table as well. “Our anniversary’s just two weeks later…”
“I know” Sho nodded and took my hand. “But today’s a special anniversary as well…”
“Of what?” I asked surprised.
“That I decided to stop being a coward and start chase after you…” he said and raising my hand he kissed into my palm.
“Cheesy…” I said teasing but felt as hot blush crept onto my cheeks.
“And you love every minute of it” Sho mumbled into my palm grinning.
“I do” I admitted shamelessly and grinned back at him. “And I love you, Sho”
“I love you too, Masaki” he said smiling before pulled me in for a kiss to prove his words.
And who was I to try resist that?...
♥おわり♥
A/N: hey, minna! hisashiburi!!! it was ages ago that I last posted anything since RL was a bitch... >.< but now I'm back and probably will post more every now and then... well, let me know what you think about this comeback-fic of mine... yoroshiku, ne~! ^.^