Crossroad
Title: Crossroad
Focus: Changmin
Genre: Angst(?)
Length: 1/? or just one-shot. Still depending on my mood.
Summary: What if everything falls out of place as you choose another path?
A/N: My mind's kind of in a mess. So maybe this one too. I wrote this in less than an hour, so sorry for the mistakes.
Given life.
I'm walking the same path ever since.
Nothing new.
Cycle of events, repeating every 3 to 4 years. History really likes repeating itself. Still, I fall to its trap every time the cycle starts. And the ending? Still. The. Same.
As I float (because I feel like I'm floating) through every day that the cycle has not tainted, I realized that I haven't done anything to stop it. I want something else.
Something new.
Thinking about this makes me feel that I'd go crazy soon. Can I do it? Along this path, if ever I come upon a crossroad, would I be brave enough to take a turn? What if that path is no better than what I'm taking right now? But then, how would I know if I won't try.
Trying.
Funny how I say that I'd try, a turn on this path that seem unfamiliar. A few steps and I find myself going back to this path, the one I've taken ever since the day that I can remember.
Choice.
They say that that's what makes you are today. All the choices you've made, irregardless if its your own or if you've seeked help. But then, your choice wouldn't have affected your life unless you have done something about it.
Doing.
Maybe that's my problem. I'm afraid to do something new. Something that maybe, just maybe, can change my life. This unending cycle of suffering. Emotionally. Psychologically.
Help.
Maybe that's what I need.
From who?
I don't know.
People in my life tends to be lost and be blurred in my memory until I can't remember them at all.
Sick.
I'm sick. Not the sick that would turn me into another version of myself and then afterwards forget what I've done. Is that what they refer to having multiple identites problem? Can't remember. But then, I might prefer that. The forgetting part, I mean. So that I wouldn't hate myself if the cycle happens again without me doing anything. But then, I'm sick. I mean, my physical body is. My puny excuse for being a coward. That's what I am.
A coward.
I'm brave.
Brave to try and do things that would lead to my escape. Still, this means that I'm really a coward.
I feel that I sound stupid.
This. As if someone is listening as I float along this path.
As I look and try predicting if the cycle would change, if this path of mine will, I saw it. The crossroad.
Something new.
Something I wouldn't give a thought, a second look.
But if you're me, maybe, just maybe, you'd do the same.
Without further thinking, I took that road. Doesn't matter if I turn left or right, I'm taking this new road.
And maybe, just maybe, someone would help me.
No, scratch that, I'm not looking for someone that would help me. I need someone that can help me.
----------
Light.
I feel light-headed as I woke up.
This.
Something not from the cycle.
I feel light-headed as light flooded my room. Something unusual as my bedroom window faces the opposite side of the sun.
The west.
Something that I don't believe, directions.
Something man has called, devised, just for the comfort of knowing where you're going. Maybe its really natural, those directions, but I don't believe in them. Just, I won't dive into that topic anymore as I'm excited and scared at the same time as to what this path would bring.
People.
They are different in this path.
Even my brother, not by blood (but still I treat him as my borther), acts strangely.
Let it pass.
That's what I keep telling myself. This is a new day. Maybe, no more cycles. I'm sick of them.
Back to my brother, he promised to meet me today. He wasn't able to yesterday so he promised to meet me today.
Off.
Something's off. This day seems wrong.
Maybe my sickness is trying to tell me something.
Funny, this sickness of mine seems to always warn me when things would be off.
My light-headedness.
Would it want me to stay in bed?
Not today. Maybe if brother didn't sound eager to see me, I'd still be lying in bed.
But as I said, not today.
----------
I endured attending my classes just so i won't get to excited to see him.
Emotions.
One that my sickness forbids me to feel. But then, who can control emotions? If you can, teach me please?
I've toned down my excitement to the size of an ant. Okay, I admit, its still the size of Godzilla and as I'm over eager to get this class over, I stared at my professor who seems to have some trouble with the server.
As he huffs in frustration, he caught me staring at him. I smiled sheepishly but didn't look away. I don't know what he saw in my eyes but he smiled, lifted a finger as if saying 'let me try one more time' before turning his attention back to the server.
I stared at my computer screen then, waiting if his attempts would bear any fruit. A few moments later, he tapped my back to get my attention,
smiled his goofy smile before announcing that the class is dismissed.
I almost jumped up from my seat (see how my "ant-sized" excitement is doing) and hurriedly went back to the dorm.
I texted him, Kyuhyun, to say that my class just ended and that I can't wait to see him. It's 3:00 and his class ends around 6:30, so I paced and I sat and I wait for his reply.
3:30
Too early to expect a reply.
4:00
Tried fixing my things as I wait.
4:30
Bored while waiting.
5:00
Still, one hour and thirty minutes to go.
5:30
I'm feeling hungry.
6:00
30 minutes more
6:29
Sometimes his prof dismisses them early. A minute early that is.
6:30
He should be packing his things now.
6:33
I should be receiving a text from him that he'd be heading here or that he'd like to meet me somewhere near.
6:35
I'm pacing. My excitement level went down a bit.
6:40
Anxiousness is creeping in.
6:50
Where is he?
7:00
Should I call? Sometimes his prof has a tendency to extend their lecture.
7:30
It should be illegal to extend a class by this much.
8:00
I fished my phone out of my pocket to check for any message, call, anything from him.
8:00 and 30 seconds
My phone's screen seems to mock me as its glare hits my sensitive eyes.
I. WILL. NOT. CRY. He'll come.
This is rejection of some sort.
This should be a crime, letting someone's hopes up before breaking it. Piece by piece. Until there's nothing left.
Why hasn't he contacted me yet?
8:05
I'm dialing his number. It just rings.
8:10
My 5th try at calling him.
8:20
I sat down. Maybe he's having a meeting with his classmates or professor. Something so important that it shouldn't be disturbed.
8:30
I'm calling him. Again.
9:00
This is his usual time to be back to his apartment.
11:00
I woke up on my chair, clutching my phone. I checked if he has texted or called me, but nothing. My phone was gentle this time as it glowed to show me that it has nothing new to show.
11:30
Maybe he'd still come.
11:45
My sickness warns me that I should get a hold of my emotions now or it's just around the corner, ready to attack. Maybe that's better? An attack. Its less painful than what I'm feeling right now.
11:50
Still waiting. Hoping.
Hope.
How I hate getting my hopes up just for it to get crashed.
12 midnight
I changed out of my uniform as I decided that yes, he won't be coming at all.
12:01 am
I took two steps from my closet before grabbing the back of my chair for assistance. I quickly clutched my shirt as I feel it.
An attack.
I panickedly scanned my table for my medicines (which I knew wouldn't be there but still, I hoped there would be some. At least one for tonight).
The pain in my heart grew, its beating getting weaker.
I sat heavily on my chair as I started pounding above my heart to what should be its normal beat.
*thump thump*
*thump thump*
*thump thump*
An outsider might think that I'm trying to make it stop by pounding so hard, but I'm trying to do the opposite. After a few minutes of pounding, the attack subsided.
My heart's beating weakly, but I'm glad it's still beating.
Stui\pid emotions.
I almost died.
Then I realized that I'm crying.
Grieving.
Mourning.
I feel so lost.
And as I dived on my bed, I cried harder.
My sobs grew louder.
This is the first time after a very long time that I cried this hard.
My feelings are so mixed up.
Rejected.
Betrayed.
Unwanted.
Worthless.
Self-pity.
Then, as I started feeling the emptiness, the hollow space in your heart that should be translated as relief after you let out all your emotions, I saw the crossroad a few meters behind me as I looked back.
This courage of taking the turn, I don't know where it came from. But the road ahead me seems promising me that while I'm here, my physical body is just sleeping.
It wouldn't expire just yet.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:08 am
Minnie, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I don't know what else to say. I have no excuse why I wasn't able to come.
I'm sorry.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:09 am
Minnie?
I'm sorry. ;___;
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:10 am
I hope you're just sleeping.
Answer me when you wake up?
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I'd give you an excuse but I really have none.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:11 am
I'll drop by if you won't answer by your usual waking up time.
I'm sorry.
----------
I'm floating. Should I go back to the crossroad and just continue my path? Or should I just continue this one?
Maybe the Kyuhyun that I knew in the past will be back as soon as I go back to my own path?
Light.
Ahh. It's time for me to wake.
I haven't decided yet.
Now I worry. What if something happened to Kyuhyun?
My heart skipped a beat.
Fine. I won't overthink.
I just hope his okay.
I closed my eyes and let gravity pull me back to where I should be.
----------
I slowly opened my eyes.
Glancing at the clock says its 8:00 am.
My phone's LED is blinking red.
-end-
A/N: Again, I'm not sure if this will be continued. Tell me your thoughts after reading this?
Focus: Changmin
Genre: Angst(?)
Length: 1/? or just one-shot. Still depending on my mood.
Summary: What if everything falls out of place as you choose another path?
A/N: My mind's kind of in a mess. So maybe this one too. I wrote this in less than an hour, so sorry for the mistakes.
Given life.
I'm walking the same path ever since.
Nothing new.
Cycle of events, repeating every 3 to 4 years. History really likes repeating itself. Still, I fall to its trap every time the cycle starts. And the ending? Still. The. Same.
As I float (because I feel like I'm floating) through every day that the cycle has not tainted, I realized that I haven't done anything to stop it. I want something else.
Something new.
Thinking about this makes me feel that I'd go crazy soon. Can I do it? Along this path, if ever I come upon a crossroad, would I be brave enough to take a turn? What if that path is no better than what I'm taking right now? But then, how would I know if I won't try.
Trying.
Funny how I say that I'd try, a turn on this path that seem unfamiliar. A few steps and I find myself going back to this path, the one I've taken ever since the day that I can remember.
Choice.
They say that that's what makes you are today. All the choices you've made, irregardless if its your own or if you've seeked help. But then, your choice wouldn't have affected your life unless you have done something about it.
Doing.
Maybe that's my problem. I'm afraid to do something new. Something that maybe, just maybe, can change my life. This unending cycle of suffering. Emotionally. Psychologically.
Help.
Maybe that's what I need.
From who?
I don't know.
People in my life tends to be lost and be blurred in my memory until I can't remember them at all.
Sick.
I'm sick. Not the sick that would turn me into another version of myself and then afterwards forget what I've done. Is that what they refer to having multiple identites problem? Can't remember. But then, I might prefer that. The forgetting part, I mean. So that I wouldn't hate myself if the cycle happens again without me doing anything. But then, I'm sick. I mean, my physical body is. My puny excuse for being a coward. That's what I am.
A coward.
I'm brave.
Brave to try and do things that would lead to my escape. Still, this means that I'm really a coward.
I feel that I sound stupid.
This. As if someone is listening as I float along this path.
As I look and try predicting if the cycle would change, if this path of mine will, I saw it. The crossroad.
Something new.
Something I wouldn't give a thought, a second look.
But if you're me, maybe, just maybe, you'd do the same.
Without further thinking, I took that road. Doesn't matter if I turn left or right, I'm taking this new road.
And maybe, just maybe, someone would help me.
No, scratch that, I'm not looking for someone that would help me. I need someone that can help me.
----------
Light.
I feel light-headed as I woke up.
This.
Something not from the cycle.
I feel light-headed as light flooded my room. Something unusual as my bedroom window faces the opposite side of the sun.
The west.
Something that I don't believe, directions.
Something man has called, devised, just for the comfort of knowing where you're going. Maybe its really natural, those directions, but I don't believe in them. Just, I won't dive into that topic anymore as I'm excited and scared at the same time as to what this path would bring.
People.
They are different in this path.
Even my brother, not by blood (but still I treat him as my borther), acts strangely.
Let it pass.
That's what I keep telling myself. This is a new day. Maybe, no more cycles. I'm sick of them.
Back to my brother, he promised to meet me today. He wasn't able to yesterday so he promised to meet me today.
Off.
Something's off. This day seems wrong.
Maybe my sickness is trying to tell me something.
Funny, this sickness of mine seems to always warn me when things would be off.
My light-headedness.
Would it want me to stay in bed?
Not today. Maybe if brother didn't sound eager to see me, I'd still be lying in bed.
But as I said, not today.
----------
I endured attending my classes just so i won't get to excited to see him.
Emotions.
One that my sickness forbids me to feel. But then, who can control emotions? If you can, teach me please?
I've toned down my excitement to the size of an ant. Okay, I admit, its still the size of Godzilla and as I'm over eager to get this class over, I stared at my professor who seems to have some trouble with the server.
As he huffs in frustration, he caught me staring at him. I smiled sheepishly but didn't look away. I don't know what he saw in my eyes but he smiled, lifted a finger as if saying 'let me try one more time' before turning his attention back to the server.
I stared at my computer screen then, waiting if his attempts would bear any fruit. A few moments later, he tapped my back to get my attention,
smiled his goofy smile before announcing that the class is dismissed.
I almost jumped up from my seat (see how my "ant-sized" excitement is doing) and hurriedly went back to the dorm.
I texted him, Kyuhyun, to say that my class just ended and that I can't wait to see him. It's 3:00 and his class ends around 6:30, so I paced and I sat and I wait for his reply.
3:30
Too early to expect a reply.
4:00
Tried fixing my things as I wait.
4:30
Bored while waiting.
5:00
Still, one hour and thirty minutes to go.
5:30
I'm feeling hungry.
6:00
30 minutes more
6:29
Sometimes his prof dismisses them early. A minute early that is.
6:30
He should be packing his things now.
6:33
I should be receiving a text from him that he'd be heading here or that he'd like to meet me somewhere near.
6:35
I'm pacing. My excitement level went down a bit.
6:40
Anxiousness is creeping in.
6:50
Where is he?
7:00
Should I call? Sometimes his prof has a tendency to extend their lecture.
7:30
It should be illegal to extend a class by this much.
8:00
I fished my phone out of my pocket to check for any message, call, anything from him.
8:00 and 30 seconds
My phone's screen seems to mock me as its glare hits my sensitive eyes.
I. WILL. NOT. CRY. He'll come.
This is rejection of some sort.
This should be a crime, letting someone's hopes up before breaking it. Piece by piece. Until there's nothing left.
Why hasn't he contacted me yet?
8:05
I'm dialing his number. It just rings.
8:10
My 5th try at calling him.
8:20
I sat down. Maybe he's having a meeting with his classmates or professor. Something so important that it shouldn't be disturbed.
8:30
I'm calling him. Again.
9:00
This is his usual time to be back to his apartment.
11:00
I woke up on my chair, clutching my phone. I checked if he has texted or called me, but nothing. My phone was gentle this time as it glowed to show me that it has nothing new to show.
11:30
Maybe he'd still come.
11:45
My sickness warns me that I should get a hold of my emotions now or it's just around the corner, ready to attack. Maybe that's better? An attack. Its less painful than what I'm feeling right now.
11:50
Still waiting. Hoping.
Hope.
How I hate getting my hopes up just for it to get crashed.
12 midnight
I changed out of my uniform as I decided that yes, he won't be coming at all.
12:01 am
I took two steps from my closet before grabbing the back of my chair for assistance. I quickly clutched my shirt as I feel it.
An attack.
I panickedly scanned my table for my medicines (which I knew wouldn't be there but still, I hoped there would be some. At least one for tonight).
The pain in my heart grew, its beating getting weaker.
I sat heavily on my chair as I started pounding above my heart to what should be its normal beat.
*thump thump*
*thump thump*
*thump thump*
An outsider might think that I'm trying to make it stop by pounding so hard, but I'm trying to do the opposite. After a few minutes of pounding, the attack subsided.
My heart's beating weakly, but I'm glad it's still beating.
Stui\pid emotions.
I almost died.
Then I realized that I'm crying.
Grieving.
Mourning.
I feel so lost.
And as I dived on my bed, I cried harder.
My sobs grew louder.
This is the first time after a very long time that I cried this hard.
My feelings are so mixed up.
Rejected.
Betrayed.
Unwanted.
Worthless.
Self-pity.
Then, as I started feeling the emptiness, the hollow space in your heart that should be translated as relief after you let out all your emotions, I saw the crossroad a few meters behind me as I looked back.
This courage of taking the turn, I don't know where it came from. But the road ahead me seems promising me that while I'm here, my physical body is just sleeping.
It wouldn't expire just yet.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:08 am
Minnie, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I don't know what else to say. I have no excuse why I wasn't able to come.
I'm sorry.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:09 am
Minnie?
I'm sorry. ;___;
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:10 am
I hope you're just sleeping.
Answer me when you wake up?
I'm sorry.
I really am.
I'd give you an excuse but I really have none.
----------
From: Kyuhyun
Received: 6:11 am
I'll drop by if you won't answer by your usual waking up time.
I'm sorry.
----------
I'm floating. Should I go back to the crossroad and just continue my path? Or should I just continue this one?
Maybe the Kyuhyun that I knew in the past will be back as soon as I go back to my own path?
Light.
Ahh. It's time for me to wake.
I haven't decided yet.
Now I worry. What if something happened to Kyuhyun?
My heart skipped a beat.
Fine. I won't overthink.
I just hope his okay.
I closed my eyes and let gravity pull me back to where I should be.
----------
I slowly opened my eyes.
Glancing at the clock says its 8:00 am.
My phone's LED is blinking red.
-end-
A/N: Again, I'm not sure if this will be continued. Tell me your thoughts after reading this?