Why I Will Never Like Twilight
FINALLY. The day I've been waiting for for like, EVER. Breaking Dawn Part 2 premiere.
Meaning this damn series can FINALLY JUST FUCKING DIE.
I won't lie: I went in to this movie expecting the worst. Don't get me wrong; I tried to like this series. I tried so hard. I read the first book and I watched the first movie, but I just couldn't do it. 1. Nothing happens and 2. Bella is the biggest Mary-Sue on the planet. And I would know; I've written some pretty down-right horrific Mary-Sues myself. I could brush it off easy enough though, if Stephanie Meyer didn't compare her work to the likes of Shakespeare. If Ms. Meyer takes it so seriously, so should we.
I could talk about the messages (and trust me, there are some down right HORRIFYING messages in this series), but that's been done to death. I'm a longtime lurker on several anti-Twilight sites that seriously break these things down, and it's incredibly disheartening to see so many people defend it as "just a book." Yes, it is a book. But books in the hands of our youth are powerful. They open doors to worlds and experiences that shape childhoods. Tell me that Harry Potter is "just a book" and I will punch you out. Growing up with Harry taught me that I could do anything and be anything that I wanted to be. It showed me that life isn't fair, but your reaction to it is more important than anything else. It taught me to stand up for what I believe, because dying for something is more important than lying down for anything. I laughed; I cried; I didn't leave my room for days. Harry was my childhood.
To think that Twilight is someone's childhood makes me sick.
Part of it is the messages, but the other part is downright horrible storytelling. Horrible. Not only does Bella have zero interest in anything outside of Edward (meaning she observes nothing but Edward, because Ms. Meyer is too lazy to do actual world-building), but the pacing, world-building, continuity, and ACTION are all horribly skewed.
I'm only going to focus on Breaking Dawn Part 2, because that's what I've watched from beginning to end. I could pick apart the other stuff, but that'd be going off what I've heard from other people/forums, and ain't nobody got time for that.
Stephanie Meyer had a huge hand in the script, because she wanted to keep as close to the storyline as possible. I can appreciate that, but when your storyline literally has NOTHING HAPPEN FOR A BAJILLION PAGES, maybe you should branch out. And the screenwriter did. And it was awesome. And then it was ruined by going back to the storyline.
So this is why I'm pissed:
THE BATTLE-- THIS. WAS. FUCKING. AWESOME. Seriously, every last bit of it was amazing. Bad guys died, good guys died, people died for each other, BELLA DID SOMETHING. This was the highlight of the movie--the perfect climax! Carlisle and Jasper (who I'm supposed to love, but don't) die fighting. Alice goes batshit. Emmett goes batshit. Seth dies. Leah kicks ass and dies. Everyone who dies dies heroically, and the bad guys get their just desserts. Classic underdog story with the big, bad Volturi getting theirs. They're confident; they're horribly mistaken. Seriously, you're on the edge of your seat; your heart strings are tugged; suspense, ACTION, highs, lows! This battle had it all.
And it was all one of Alice's visions.
There was no fighting. There was no action. Aro sees the future (which Alice's gift is NEVER RIGHT, so why the fuck believe this one?!), they chat, everyone goes away, no one dies.
That's. Fucking. It.
I won't even go into the dream sequence cop-out being the WORST FUCKING THING EVER. Cheating is what it is. No, I want to talk about something else. Something much more important.
Question: If the Cullens are the good guys, and (basing off the fact that EVERYONE thinks Alice's visions are OMG SO CORRECT AND ON POINT) are guaranteed to win, WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY FINISH OFF THE VOLTURI?! Seriously, these are the big bads (said, never shown, but we'll roll with it). They kill people. They kill vampires. They slaughter indiscriminately, with no regard for life, concealment, or ANYTHING (because killing entire tour groups is not discreet. Sorry, just fucking no.) They are TEH EBIL! WHY DOES NO ONE STOP THEM WHEN THEY ARE GUARANTEED A VICTORY?!
This is what is implied: The Cullens don't give a flying ratfuck about anyone that's not one of them, humans ESPECIALLY. Oh, Carlisle would die! The supposedly human-loving, "making the best of a bad situation" patriarch would die, so disregard the literally THOUSANDS of lives this would save. And this would all be fine if the Cullens were not written as OMGSORIGHTEOUS, even though EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THOSE. FUCKERS. has killed and not felt a single bit bad about it. Sure, they may feel bad when they think about what OTHERS might think, but they never feel bad for deliberately taking a life. A human life. Meyer, DID YOU FORGET? YOUR READERS ARE HUMAN! This is who we're supposed to sympathize with--who your heroes are supposed to sympathize with. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK, MAN?!
This is what it means: Meyer can't write conflict.
Question: if the Volturi are so big and bad, why do the Cullens continually poke them with sticks? (Bella knowing about vampires, etc.)
Answer: Because the Volturi don't do anything.
Question: If they don't do anything, why doesn't anyone stop them from KILLING HUMANS (TOURISTS, NONETHELESS) IN LARGE GROUPS THAT WOULD ATTRACT SUSPICION, AND THEREFORE, ENDANGER THE BIG SECRET?
Answer: Because no one gives a fuck. Because Meyer doesn't give a fuck about anything but her precious Cullens.
More unanswered questions:
1. Moving back to Forks caused the werewolves to start shifting, effectively ruining several lives (Leah's in particular, everyone who imprinted, too, as their free will has forever been taken from them). Why didn't the Cullens leave and go some place WITHOUT shifters? Why continue to RUIN LIVES if they're so good and righteous? And inviting all those vampires to witness or whatever caused MORE shifting. WHY ARE THE CULLENS SO SET ON RUINING THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES?
2. Why must everyone stand in their creepy couple circles? Seriously, WHY IS EVERYONE PAIRED OFF? Oh, except for Leah and Tanya, but that's because they're both bitter harpies, am I right? Seriously, what's wrong with being single? Or gay, even? There's some slash-tastic vibes going on in this movie (which is way, WAY more interesting than the storyline).
3. What's keeping the vampires from just taking the world from humans? This is the most disturbing thing, I think--the vampire species. They have no flaws, no ways of dying. They're immune to sunlight, most manmade weapons don't work, and per Meyer's interviews, they're basically invincible. They're inhumanly beautiful and perfect, seriously, do I need to go on? What's keeping them from being like, fuck this noise; we can do whatever we want. We're stronger, faster, the perfect killing machine. Why are they putting up with humans and human laws when they could easily overthrow human rule and live murder-ly ever after?
4. But seriously, why don't the Cullens fight?! Edward is a fucking MIND READER and Alice sees the future. Bella's SUE-per power protects everyone. THEY. CANNOT. LOSE. yet they do NOTHING to stop the Volturi. Seriously, am I the only one who sees how FUCKED UP THAT IS?
The problem with this whole series is that there's no conflict. Bella is perfect, gets everything she wants, and gives up nothing in return. She never picks up a school book, yet she has a 4.0. Guys fall all over her, even though she's "hideous". She has to make a choice--her human life or Edward, and she makes that choice, but keeps all the perks of her human life (Charlie, babies, etc.) and gets no pitfalls of vampire life (no bloodlust. Whatsoever.) Seriously, how compelling would it be if they had to restrain her, or even if she killed someone?! Imagine the character development: her, getting what she wanted (or thought she wanted) and then doing something so horrible. The guilt; the anger; the regret. CONFLICT. Edward, heartbroken over doing something so horrible to the woman he loves; horrified to see her that way, struggling to see her how he used to; guilty over not stopping her, not saving her from herself. THAT'S COMPELLING FUCKING SHIT. But nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Bella is perfect, as always.
Perfectly fucking boring, just like this series.
And that's the real crime here.
Meaning this damn series can FINALLY JUST FUCKING DIE.
I won't lie: I went in to this movie expecting the worst. Don't get me wrong; I tried to like this series. I tried so hard. I read the first book and I watched the first movie, but I just couldn't do it. 1. Nothing happens and 2. Bella is the biggest Mary-Sue on the planet. And I would know; I've written some pretty down-right horrific Mary-Sues myself. I could brush it off easy enough though, if Stephanie Meyer didn't compare her work to the likes of Shakespeare. If Ms. Meyer takes it so seriously, so should we.
I could talk about the messages (and trust me, there are some down right HORRIFYING messages in this series), but that's been done to death. I'm a longtime lurker on several anti-Twilight sites that seriously break these things down, and it's incredibly disheartening to see so many people defend it as "just a book." Yes, it is a book. But books in the hands of our youth are powerful. They open doors to worlds and experiences that shape childhoods. Tell me that Harry Potter is "just a book" and I will punch you out. Growing up with Harry taught me that I could do anything and be anything that I wanted to be. It showed me that life isn't fair, but your reaction to it is more important than anything else. It taught me to stand up for what I believe, because dying for something is more important than lying down for anything. I laughed; I cried; I didn't leave my room for days. Harry was my childhood.
To think that Twilight is someone's childhood makes me sick.
Part of it is the messages, but the other part is downright horrible storytelling. Horrible. Not only does Bella have zero interest in anything outside of Edward (meaning she observes nothing but Edward, because Ms. Meyer is too lazy to do actual world-building), but the pacing, world-building, continuity, and ACTION are all horribly skewed.
I'm only going to focus on Breaking Dawn Part 2, because that's what I've watched from beginning to end. I could pick apart the other stuff, but that'd be going off what I've heard from other people/forums, and ain't nobody got time for that.
Stephanie Meyer had a huge hand in the script, because she wanted to keep as close to the storyline as possible. I can appreciate that, but when your storyline literally has NOTHING HAPPEN FOR A BAJILLION PAGES, maybe you should branch out. And the screenwriter did. And it was awesome. And then it was ruined by going back to the storyline.
So this is why I'm pissed:
THE BATTLE-- THIS. WAS. FUCKING. AWESOME. Seriously, every last bit of it was amazing. Bad guys died, good guys died, people died for each other, BELLA DID SOMETHING. This was the highlight of the movie--the perfect climax! Carlisle and Jasper (who I'm supposed to love, but don't) die fighting. Alice goes batshit. Emmett goes batshit. Seth dies. Leah kicks ass and dies. Everyone who dies dies heroically, and the bad guys get their just desserts. Classic underdog story with the big, bad Volturi getting theirs. They're confident; they're horribly mistaken. Seriously, you're on the edge of your seat; your heart strings are tugged; suspense, ACTION, highs, lows! This battle had it all.
And it was all one of Alice's visions.
There was no fighting. There was no action. Aro sees the future (which Alice's gift is NEVER RIGHT, so why the fuck believe this one?!), they chat, everyone goes away, no one dies.
That's. Fucking. It.
I won't even go into the dream sequence cop-out being the WORST FUCKING THING EVER. Cheating is what it is. No, I want to talk about something else. Something much more important.
Question: If the Cullens are the good guys, and (basing off the fact that EVERYONE thinks Alice's visions are OMG SO CORRECT AND ON POINT) are guaranteed to win, WHY THE FUCK DON'T THEY FINISH OFF THE VOLTURI?! Seriously, these are the big bads (said, never shown, but we'll roll with it). They kill people. They kill vampires. They slaughter indiscriminately, with no regard for life, concealment, or ANYTHING (because killing entire tour groups is not discreet. Sorry, just fucking no.) They are TEH EBIL! WHY DOES NO ONE STOP THEM WHEN THEY ARE GUARANTEED A VICTORY?!
This is what is implied: The Cullens don't give a flying ratfuck about anyone that's not one of them, humans ESPECIALLY. Oh, Carlisle would die! The supposedly human-loving, "making the best of a bad situation" patriarch would die, so disregard the literally THOUSANDS of lives this would save. And this would all be fine if the Cullens were not written as OMGSORIGHTEOUS, even though EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THOSE. FUCKERS. has killed and not felt a single bit bad about it. Sure, they may feel bad when they think about what OTHERS might think, but they never feel bad for deliberately taking a life. A human life. Meyer, DID YOU FORGET? YOUR READERS ARE HUMAN! This is who we're supposed to sympathize with--who your heroes are supposed to sympathize with. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK, MAN?!
This is what it means: Meyer can't write conflict.
Question: if the Volturi are so big and bad, why do the Cullens continually poke them with sticks? (Bella knowing about vampires, etc.)
Answer: Because the Volturi don't do anything.
Question: If they don't do anything, why doesn't anyone stop them from KILLING HUMANS (TOURISTS, NONETHELESS) IN LARGE GROUPS THAT WOULD ATTRACT SUSPICION, AND THEREFORE, ENDANGER THE BIG SECRET?
Answer: Because no one gives a fuck. Because Meyer doesn't give a fuck about anything but her precious Cullens.
More unanswered questions:
1. Moving back to Forks caused the werewolves to start shifting, effectively ruining several lives (Leah's in particular, everyone who imprinted, too, as their free will has forever been taken from them). Why didn't the Cullens leave and go some place WITHOUT shifters? Why continue to RUIN LIVES if they're so good and righteous? And inviting all those vampires to witness or whatever caused MORE shifting. WHY ARE THE CULLENS SO SET ON RUINING THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES?
2. Why must everyone stand in their creepy couple circles? Seriously, WHY IS EVERYONE PAIRED OFF? Oh, except for Leah and Tanya, but that's because they're both bitter harpies, am I right? Seriously, what's wrong with being single? Or gay, even? There's some slash-tastic vibes going on in this movie (which is way, WAY more interesting than the storyline).
3. What's keeping the vampires from just taking the world from humans? This is the most disturbing thing, I think--the vampire species. They have no flaws, no ways of dying. They're immune to sunlight, most manmade weapons don't work, and per Meyer's interviews, they're basically invincible. They're inhumanly beautiful and perfect, seriously, do I need to go on? What's keeping them from being like, fuck this noise; we can do whatever we want. We're stronger, faster, the perfect killing machine. Why are they putting up with humans and human laws when they could easily overthrow human rule and live murder-ly ever after?
4. But seriously, why don't the Cullens fight?! Edward is a fucking MIND READER and Alice sees the future. Bella's SUE-per power protects everyone. THEY. CANNOT. LOSE. yet they do NOTHING to stop the Volturi. Seriously, am I the only one who sees how FUCKED UP THAT IS?
The problem with this whole series is that there's no conflict. Bella is perfect, gets everything she wants, and gives up nothing in return. She never picks up a school book, yet she has a 4.0. Guys fall all over her, even though she's "hideous". She has to make a choice--her human life or Edward, and she makes that choice, but keeps all the perks of her human life (Charlie, babies, etc.) and gets no pitfalls of vampire life (no bloodlust. Whatsoever.) Seriously, how compelling would it be if they had to restrain her, or even if she killed someone?! Imagine the character development: her, getting what she wanted (or thought she wanted) and then doing something so horrible. The guilt; the anger; the regret. CONFLICT. Edward, heartbroken over doing something so horrible to the woman he loves; horrified to see her that way, struggling to see her how he used to; guilty over not stopping her, not saving her from herself. THAT'S COMPELLING FUCKING SHIT. But nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Bella is perfect, as always.
Perfectly fucking boring, just like this series.
And that's the real crime here.