As it is, as it shall be . . .
I had this big huge post typed out last night, but I was trying to edit something I was gonna throw up on here when teh 'rentals started screaming at me, so I had to go and not finish it 'cause I wanted to go home last night.
So.
It's actually not that big of a deal anymore; some things have changed again, and I'm better-esque, and that helps. The desperation to smear my emotional bullshit all over here is lessened, thank god.
I'll relate in a quick way what happened and perhaps post what I was going to last night anyway, just to get it out and up for no other reason other than the fact that this is my journal and I can do whatever the fusck I want :D
So Steve and I made that pact, remember? Well, I got a ride home from her on Friday night 'cause Steve and Josh were at work and my parents were tired or something. She comes over and talks for a while, Whit calls, she shows up, we're all talking and junk. Steve and Josh come knocking on the door, Steve gets pissed 'cause I "broke the pact", he takes off.
Josh and Pat end up coming back, try to talk me out of this idiocy like good friends, and I tell them to leave afte a while (this whole situation is why I want to post that thing; it's me ranting about how fucked this all is and why god why), and Josh gets pissed, and rightly so. Pat's upset but he'll go with whatever I decide.
Anyway, Steve ends up calling me and telling me we're not friends anymore, don't call or come over blah blah, and this is upsetting. Very upsetting. Then josh is pissed too and I was rather a mess. Whit and Alicia were all like, well that's stupid of them and they're not really your friends and blah blah. I was just upset.
So I spent New Year's with Whitney, of all people. Got drunk as fuck and talked a bit; that was about it. Nothing special, nothing spectacular, nothing like I wanted. Alicia had to go take care of Felicia 'case she was sick. I'm glad about that for reasons I shall relate in a bit. It aws just a kinda blah and somewhat depressing night; I wanted to be with Steve and Josh and Pat and Greg. But I couldn't, so I made due.
And no, we didn't kiss at midnight :D *shudder* that's just creepy now. Ech.
So sunday I wake up and Alicia comes over at some point. We're hanging otu and talking and stuff, and we randomly end up fucking, after which she gets all upset and takes off (I'm still not quite sure exactly why she got upset. I don't know if I want to know.). Whit stops by to get her notebook and necklaces and I sit and talk to her in her care for a little while. Alicia stops by later that night and I sit in her car, too, and we talk and smoke and hug goodbye.
I laid in bed almost all day on Monday. I have no idea why. I didn't sleep. I just didn't get up. It aws driving me nuts. So at about three I dragged myself out and made coffee, which helped, and called Alicia. She says she'll call me back in a few minutes. She texts me shortly thereafter, saying we shouldn't talk and blah blah. That was just too much for me.
So suddenly did I have no friends, but I had no friendlylikeish Alicia person, either, and that fucked me up real bad.
I satyed up all night on Monday, drinking coffee and reading a book my grandma bought for me (which I finished today; 'The Historian'. Was good :D), and then went to work and brooded all day in despair. Went home, brooded more, wrote the thing I might post on here, read, slept. Went to work yesterday, and was still rather ick. On our way to the liqour store last night, Alicia randomly texted me. And then called me. So I talked to her for a while and felt slightly better than I had been feeling. Later last night I called Steve and we talked for a bit, too.
So things in that sense are getting better-esque. I'm still not feeling to great for various reasons. Such as this: Ok, I know I'm not the most moral of people, but I like to think I have at least two or three concrete feelings and beliefs that you just do not fuck with. When Whitney and Alicia were over at my house on friday, Whit was texting Alicia and Alicia was texting whitney. Totally hitting on each other. Actually, alicia says that whit was hitting on her, but for some reason I doubt it was one-sided; Now, whitney knows that I'm still in love with alicia and things beween us are fucked. Hasn't she done enough already? Does she have to sit there and hit on a girl that I love right in front of me? and it's not like she was even being obvious about it; like I said, they were texting. So she sits there and talks to me and hits on her and I guess I'm not supposed to know what's going on. What the fuck, man? And alicia, on her part, certainly didn't do anything to stop the hitting-on-ness; she as well knows how I feel about whitney and how I feel about her and how much it would fucking kill me if they did anything like that. Apparently it was pretty bad, 'cause alicia texted whit again today, and alicia told me that I didn't want to know what it said but it wasn't very nice and whit was pissed that alicia and I fucked or something. I dunno. And honestly, I don't fucking care. It just pissed me the hell off that these two people can just sit there and totally disregard someone's feelings. There was more to this, but I lost it a while back, but blargh. ARE ALL PEOPLE FUCKING MANIPULATIVE BACKSTABBERS? I hope to god not. Or else i'm fucked.
Right. Gonna go and try and register raeally late for a class at john wood tomorrow. Yay, college stuffs. I'm trying to somewhat start picking up the peices I've got everywhere, starting with school, and then my credit card, and then my cell phone, or something. I'll get it figured out.
Ok, so I'm going to post this thing I wrote on Monday. It's ranty and babbly and totally loses most punctuation at some point. It may come off as totally melodramatic or something, but really, this is how I felt right then. Exactly how I felt. And I know it starts to sound a slight bit suicide-y at the end, and for about three hours, it was, but don't worry, that's just me being insanely depressed. Oh, and I'm copying the html from Word 'cause I didn't feel like going through and doing all the bolding myself, so i don't know how this is going to turn out due to copy/paste. We'll see.
~~~~~~~~
I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. They talk to me, concern and care so
genuine in their voices and actions, and I listen. I do, and I know they don’t belive me, but I /listen/, and my brain takes it and looks at it all, and comes to the same conclusion they all have: she’s
fucked, she’s fucked me up and all I can get from her is hurt and betrayal and pain. And then my
brain, the logical conclusion still
there, still sitting right there at the
front of my mind, just seems to disregard it. It’s there and I know it and I hate it ‘cause it’s true
but I’m so fucking sick of hurting and crying over someone so damned STUPID
even though I pointlessly love her so
very much and it kills me and yet still there she is, sitting and talking to me and all I hear in my head is “idiot
idiot idiot idiot’” but there are words coming out of my mouth still, meaningless conversation that just keeps going until she says something that twists the knife in my heart, and I can’t breathe and I want to scream at her, kill her, shove her out the
door, hold her in my arms forever, and still, even with everything ringing
in my ears all I can do is sit and take
the hurt up inside me and shove it
far down inside until my stomach hurts
and my chest is so tight I almost wheeze with the effort to inhale. I meant every
word I said to Steve, every fucking
word, and then it all just disappears and there I am in her car and there
she is in my house, and there Steve
is, walking away from me
embroiled in anger and betrayal and my brain is sitting there going, “see? Don’t blame him a damn bit” and my heartbeat echoes in my ears as I shove all that down, too. Josh and
his caring anger, something I never
expected from him until I moved out of my house and I got to know him a lot
more, Josh the guy who can always make me laugh and always make me feel better about
something when nothing else can even
get past my depression or anger or bitterness, and there he is,
hurt and hating me, walking away
because I pushed him to it for NOTHING and that’s what fucking kills me. In the space of a few
hours, I lost every friend I had all
for nothing, not a damn fucking thing because what is she to me, just a hurt and a heartbreak and even though
there’s something inside of me that screams
that I love her for whatever convoluted reasons, and I do I really really do love her
so fucking much it kills me to
see her walk away from me when I
could make her so very very happy all she has to do is ask,
there is NO HOPE left there at all and a part of me hates her so much because of how
fucking DUMB she is with everything,
how she takes everything and fucks it up even more and it breaks my heart when I look at her and
see the pain in her eyes but it
makes me so mad because she’s blind to
everything, who in the scope of everything is no one to me compared to my
friends, and yet somehow I still
pushed them away with one misstep and now there’s this thing that will NEVER EVER
be fixed because I’m a horrible
selfish unthinking thoughtless idiot dumb bitch who doesn’t make any fucking sense when it comes
down to it even when my brain knows what
the fuck is going on and what’s going to happen and still I watch myself do these things it feels I have no control over until everything crashes and burns and I’m
suddenly back there, hanging in midair with all the shrapnel around me and
the ground rushing up so fast I don’t even have time to scream before
I hit and everything I worked so long for becomes oblivion and what is left in
the end? Nothing.
A river of tears not even worth a half
a penny in salt and the blood from my
opened veins, what else do I
have to offer in apology? She tells
me to call Steve and talk to him, and I want to so bad, but all I can do is stare at the phone and think why? What will it solve? It’s not like he’ll even
answer it, and if he does, what do I
say? Again, NOTHING, there is not a single thing in this world that will ever fix this, and I don’t deserve to have it fixed
anyway, do I? They hate me and I
perfectly understand ‘cause I hate me
too, I want to bash my head against
a brick wall until this stupid stupid thing inside my head is nothing but pulp, until the world goes black and the pain fades
away and I can sleep forever and
dream that maybe sometime before any of this started I could fix it somehow, change one little thing
that would save all of this, all of us. What makes me laugh the most in that sick I-almost-can’t-stop sort of way is
the fact that I knew they were right,
I knew it before, I knew it as I did and said things, and I sure as hell
know it now as I sit here and fucking sob harder than I have over anyone, which is funny, ‘cause I sure
as shit cried over whitney and I cried over Nicole,
too, but what is all of that stupid pain compared to this, this knowing betrayal and loss, the loss
of the dearest best people I know,
people who have been my friends for five
years, who’ve laughed and cried and hated and bled with me. To look around and see that there’s no one there to catch me or hold me up or save me or hold me or hug me or make me laugh or call me an
idiot or smack me or talk me off the ledge or take the knife from my shaking hands how could I not feel a despair greater than I ever thought
was possible? They’d prolly load the
gun for me and even adjust the angle
of my arm to make sure to get the best
splatter radius possible. And I
don’t blame them one fucking bit. I deserve
this, I asked for this, didn’t I, when I listened but didn’t do, for whatever reason I don’t even know, but this is what I wanted so badly I guess. I can’t even cry properly because I’m not
really even breathing, I’m only breathlessly
screaming and it hurts so fucking
bad but don’t I deserve that too?
They were right about both of them,
her and her, they were right and I knew they were right and I don’t understand why the FUCK I can’t stop myself. It’s not
love, not like that kind of love like I want to hold on to it because it’s
there it’s the bitter love the
fact that it /was/ there once and lost to me now and it doesn’t matter anymore it’s not lust it’s not even attraction, that’s all dead and gone and burnt and bitter now, I think it’s hope
maybe that if I try just one more
time everything will be ok, and
it’s funny ‘cause I really don’t know what that ok is
supposed to be. I don’t want either
of them, all they do is hurt me,
so someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here ‘cause I
sure as shit have no clue. If I
knew, would it help me any? I want
so badly to say that yes it would,
but I knew that this would happen
too and still I did it I talked to
her and her and let them in my house
and pushed my dearest friends away
for NO REASON at all nothing no reason no motive just pushed them away and screamed at myself on the inside the
whole time I don’t understand what is so
fucking wrong with me help me help
me someone please dear god before everything
explodes inside of me and I become
nothing but wait, isn’t that funny, there isn’t anyone anymore all because
of me and this thing inside of me
that makes no fucking sense and I
just want it to all go away to turn back and change but it won’t of
course nothing works like that you
know but oh gods how I wish it did
but I’m not allowed that either am I wishing
and hoping because didn’t I ask for
this I had to of asked for it ‘cause I
knew it was coming and I wanted so
badly to stop it but I couldn’t and I don’t know where any of this is
going. Nicole sits there and
says that she doesn’t think being
friends with me will work, texts
me and commits to the finality when
she knows she’s all I have left, as
if this severance is better that I have
no one and nothing left at all now
and I’m stabbed so much by this misery by this betrayal that I knew was
coming and that will surely produce enough
I-told-you-sos to last me a lifetime and more and
oh god how it hurts to know that she cares so little for me afterall that even though our “friendship” is turgid and comfusing, it’s all
I have and that she can just walk
away and know this the whole
bloody time oh god I am alone so fucking
alone, and duh, of course it won’t work
right now we both knew that and that’s
exactly why I wanted so badly to not be
friends with you in the first place but imagine that I fucked that up in two seconds and now you’re the one who’s walking away and leaving me with nothing but a book
and my bare wrists and Christ I am
so alone with no one at all now
and whitney oh Christ did I know you’d fuck me up too but not like this not in
a few hours already prove me wrong
in the most blatant way possible but
all in all this wasn’t about you you just happened to show
up but oh how you showed me like
I can’t put the pieces together in
my head like Nicole hasn’t told me
everything I know what you did
and said and you just complicate things make them so much worse and still I know I shouldn’t have answered the phone again or let you in that was just the cherry on the sundae I think but there
it is and there it was written on Josh and Steve and Pat’s faces, all of them pissed and concerned and betrayed and I pushed them
away like tin fucking soldiers being knocked off a ledge for no reason NO REASON NO MOTIVE and stll that’s what
eats at me the most there is no
reason for any of this, no benefit
no reason no desire nothing I just
did it and it just happened and I have no
idea why when its not what I wanted and I know none of you will belive it but there it is as well I didn’t want this to happen I didn’t
and I don’t get why I couldn’t stop
I don’t know what pulled me further
down the spiral what made me cut the strings to you all
because I didn’t want it then or now
most especially now but that goes
back to me deserving this, doesn’t
it? Someone tell me what I have left now,
here after everything and anyone is gone
and I am alone and drowning in the greatest sorrow and despair
I’ve ever known what do I have left tell me why I deserve to even take one more breath after what I did even
though if felt like I had no control
over it but I did ‘cause I did it and it was my actions and that makes it my
fault doesn’t it so I don’t deserve
to breathe or live or hope anymore so why shouldn’t I take these bare
wrists and the many blades I
have and just fucking die they’re better off without me anyway they are what good did I ever do any of them what reasons did I give them for being my friends Steve oh Steve everything
I’ve done to you over the years, and you
stayed there you stayed my friend
and I don’t get it all I ever did
was drag you down and still you were there and now finally you’re not and I don’t blame you but I hate it I hate it and it’s all my fault and everyone is so much better
off without me it’s funny though ‘cause I can’t live without you any of you without you there’s nothing and
if there’s nothing then what do I
have? It all leads back to the same
thing and maybe I should have done
it a long time ago but I deserve
this too in the end and you know it.
I’ll say this only once because I
know it will fix nothing and will mean even less if that’s possible but I’m sorry more than you know for everything I’ll leave it at that
‘cause I could go on and on an endless
spill of words like I’ve been doing for three pages words on words that don’t matter anymore. I love you guys so much.
~~~~~~~
So yay, wasn't that fun, a trip into my babbling ranting self at three in the morning. Don't yell at me about it, that's just how I felt. Anyway. I gotta go so I'll post again at some point. *hugs*
So.
It's actually not that big of a deal anymore; some things have changed again, and I'm better-esque, and that helps. The desperation to smear my emotional bullshit all over here is lessened, thank god.
I'll relate in a quick way what happened and perhaps post what I was going to last night anyway, just to get it out and up for no other reason other than the fact that this is my journal and I can do whatever the fusck I want :D
So Steve and I made that pact, remember? Well, I got a ride home from her on Friday night 'cause Steve and Josh were at work and my parents were tired or something. She comes over and talks for a while, Whit calls, she shows up, we're all talking and junk. Steve and Josh come knocking on the door, Steve gets pissed 'cause I "broke the pact", he takes off.
Josh and Pat end up coming back, try to talk me out of this idiocy like good friends, and I tell them to leave afte a while (this whole situation is why I want to post that thing; it's me ranting about how fucked this all is and why god why), and Josh gets pissed, and rightly so. Pat's upset but he'll go with whatever I decide.
Anyway, Steve ends up calling me and telling me we're not friends anymore, don't call or come over blah blah, and this is upsetting. Very upsetting. Then josh is pissed too and I was rather a mess. Whit and Alicia were all like, well that's stupid of them and they're not really your friends and blah blah. I was just upset.
So I spent New Year's with Whitney, of all people. Got drunk as fuck and talked a bit; that was about it. Nothing special, nothing spectacular, nothing like I wanted. Alicia had to go take care of Felicia 'case she was sick. I'm glad about that for reasons I shall relate in a bit. It aws just a kinda blah and somewhat depressing night; I wanted to be with Steve and Josh and Pat and Greg. But I couldn't, so I made due.
And no, we didn't kiss at midnight :D *shudder* that's just creepy now. Ech.
So sunday I wake up and Alicia comes over at some point. We're hanging otu and talking and stuff, and we randomly end up fucking, after which she gets all upset and takes off (I'm still not quite sure exactly why she got upset. I don't know if I want to know.). Whit stops by to get her notebook and necklaces and I sit and talk to her in her care for a little while. Alicia stops by later that night and I sit in her car, too, and we talk and smoke and hug goodbye.
I laid in bed almost all day on Monday. I have no idea why. I didn't sleep. I just didn't get up. It aws driving me nuts. So at about three I dragged myself out and made coffee, which helped, and called Alicia. She says she'll call me back in a few minutes. She texts me shortly thereafter, saying we shouldn't talk and blah blah. That was just too much for me.
So suddenly did I have no friends, but I had no friendlylikeish Alicia person, either, and that fucked me up real bad.
I satyed up all night on Monday, drinking coffee and reading a book my grandma bought for me (which I finished today; 'The Historian'. Was good :D), and then went to work and brooded all day in despair. Went home, brooded more, wrote the thing I might post on here, read, slept. Went to work yesterday, and was still rather ick. On our way to the liqour store last night, Alicia randomly texted me. And then called me. So I talked to her for a while and felt slightly better than I had been feeling. Later last night I called Steve and we talked for a bit, too.
So things in that sense are getting better-esque. I'm still not feeling to great for various reasons. Such as this: Ok, I know I'm not the most moral of people, but I like to think I have at least two or three concrete feelings and beliefs that you just do not fuck with. When Whitney and Alicia were over at my house on friday, Whit was texting Alicia and Alicia was texting whitney. Totally hitting on each other. Actually, alicia says that whit was hitting on her, but for some reason I doubt it was one-sided; Now, whitney knows that I'm still in love with alicia and things beween us are fucked. Hasn't she done enough already? Does she have to sit there and hit on a girl that I love right in front of me? and it's not like she was even being obvious about it; like I said, they were texting. So she sits there and talks to me and hits on her and I guess I'm not supposed to know what's going on. What the fuck, man? And alicia, on her part, certainly didn't do anything to stop the hitting-on-ness; she as well knows how I feel about whitney and how I feel about her and how much it would fucking kill me if they did anything like that. Apparently it was pretty bad, 'cause alicia texted whit again today, and alicia told me that I didn't want to know what it said but it wasn't very nice and whit was pissed that alicia and I fucked or something. I dunno. And honestly, I don't fucking care. It just pissed me the hell off that these two people can just sit there and totally disregard someone's feelings. There was more to this, but I lost it a while back, but blargh. ARE ALL PEOPLE FUCKING MANIPULATIVE BACKSTABBERS? I hope to god not. Or else i'm fucked.
Right. Gonna go and try and register raeally late for a class at john wood tomorrow. Yay, college stuffs. I'm trying to somewhat start picking up the peices I've got everywhere, starting with school, and then my credit card, and then my cell phone, or something. I'll get it figured out.
Ok, so I'm going to post this thing I wrote on Monday. It's ranty and babbly and totally loses most punctuation at some point. It may come off as totally melodramatic or something, but really, this is how I felt right then. Exactly how I felt. And I know it starts to sound a slight bit suicide-y at the end, and for about three hours, it was, but don't worry, that's just me being insanely depressed. Oh, and I'm copying the html from Word 'cause I didn't feel like going through and doing all the bolding myself, so i don't know how this is going to turn out due to copy/paste. We'll see.
~~~~~~~~
I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. They talk to me, concern and care so
genuine in their voices and actions, and I listen. I do, and I know they don’t belive me, but I /listen/, and my brain takes it and looks at it all, and comes to the same conclusion they all have: she’s
fucked, she’s fucked me up and all I can get from her is hurt and betrayal and pain. And then my
brain, the logical conclusion still
there, still sitting right there at the
front of my mind, just seems to disregard it. It’s there and I know it and I hate it ‘cause it’s true
but I’m so fucking sick of hurting and crying over someone so damned STUPID
even though I pointlessly love her so
very much and it kills me and yet still there she is, sitting and talking to me and all I hear in my head is “idiot
idiot idiot idiot’” but there are words coming out of my mouth still, meaningless conversation that just keeps going until she says something that twists the knife in my heart, and I can’t breathe and I want to scream at her, kill her, shove her out the
door, hold her in my arms forever, and still, even with everything ringing
in my ears all I can do is sit and take
the hurt up inside me and shove it
far down inside until my stomach hurts
and my chest is so tight I almost wheeze with the effort to inhale. I meant every
word I said to Steve, every fucking
word, and then it all just disappears and there I am in her car and there
she is in my house, and there Steve
is, walking away from me
embroiled in anger and betrayal and my brain is sitting there going, “see? Don’t blame him a damn bit” and my heartbeat echoes in my ears as I shove all that down, too. Josh and
his caring anger, something I never
expected from him until I moved out of my house and I got to know him a lot
more, Josh the guy who can always make me laugh and always make me feel better about
something when nothing else can even
get past my depression or anger or bitterness, and there he is,
hurt and hating me, walking away
because I pushed him to it for NOTHING and that’s what fucking kills me. In the space of a few
hours, I lost every friend I had all
for nothing, not a damn fucking thing because what is she to me, just a hurt and a heartbreak and even though
there’s something inside of me that screams
that I love her for whatever convoluted reasons, and I do I really really do love her
so fucking much it kills me to
see her walk away from me when I
could make her so very very happy all she has to do is ask,
there is NO HOPE left there at all and a part of me hates her so much because of how
fucking DUMB she is with everything,
how she takes everything and fucks it up even more and it breaks my heart when I look at her and
see the pain in her eyes but it
makes me so mad because she’s blind to
everything, who in the scope of everything is no one to me compared to my
friends, and yet somehow I still
pushed them away with one misstep and now there’s this thing that will NEVER EVER
be fixed because I’m a horrible
selfish unthinking thoughtless idiot dumb bitch who doesn’t make any fucking sense when it comes
down to it even when my brain knows what
the fuck is going on and what’s going to happen and still I watch myself do these things it feels I have no control over until everything crashes and burns and I’m
suddenly back there, hanging in midair with all the shrapnel around me and
the ground rushing up so fast I don’t even have time to scream before
I hit and everything I worked so long for becomes oblivion and what is left in
the end? Nothing.
A river of tears not even worth a half
a penny in salt and the blood from my
opened veins, what else do I
have to offer in apology? She tells
me to call Steve and talk to him, and I want to so bad, but all I can do is stare at the phone and think why? What will it solve? It’s not like he’ll even
answer it, and if he does, what do I
say? Again, NOTHING, there is not a single thing in this world that will ever fix this, and I don’t deserve to have it fixed
anyway, do I? They hate me and I
perfectly understand ‘cause I hate me
too, I want to bash my head against
a brick wall until this stupid stupid thing inside my head is nothing but pulp, until the world goes black and the pain fades
away and I can sleep forever and
dream that maybe sometime before any of this started I could fix it somehow, change one little thing
that would save all of this, all of us. What makes me laugh the most in that sick I-almost-can’t-stop sort of way is
the fact that I knew they were right,
I knew it before, I knew it as I did and said things, and I sure as hell
know it now as I sit here and fucking sob harder than I have over anyone, which is funny, ‘cause I sure
as shit cried over whitney and I cried over Nicole,
too, but what is all of that stupid pain compared to this, this knowing betrayal and loss, the loss
of the dearest best people I know,
people who have been my friends for five
years, who’ve laughed and cried and hated and bled with me. To look around and see that there’s no one there to catch me or hold me up or save me or hold me or hug me or make me laugh or call me an
idiot or smack me or talk me off the ledge or take the knife from my shaking hands how could I not feel a despair greater than I ever thought
was possible? They’d prolly load the
gun for me and even adjust the angle
of my arm to make sure to get the best
splatter radius possible. And I
don’t blame them one fucking bit. I deserve
this, I asked for this, didn’t I, when I listened but didn’t do, for whatever reason I don’t even know, but this is what I wanted so badly I guess. I can’t even cry properly because I’m not
really even breathing, I’m only breathlessly
screaming and it hurts so fucking
bad but don’t I deserve that too?
They were right about both of them,
her and her, they were right and I knew they were right and I don’t understand why the FUCK I can’t stop myself. It’s not
love, not like that kind of love like I want to hold on to it because it’s
there it’s the bitter love the
fact that it /was/ there once and lost to me now and it doesn’t matter anymore it’s not lust it’s not even attraction, that’s all dead and gone and burnt and bitter now, I think it’s hope
maybe that if I try just one more
time everything will be ok, and
it’s funny ‘cause I really don’t know what that ok is
supposed to be. I don’t want either
of them, all they do is hurt me,
so someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here ‘cause I
sure as shit have no clue. If I
knew, would it help me any? I want
so badly to say that yes it would,
but I knew that this would happen
too and still I did it I talked to
her and her and let them in my house
and pushed my dearest friends away
for NO REASON at all nothing no reason no motive just pushed them away and screamed at myself on the inside the
whole time I don’t understand what is so
fucking wrong with me help me help
me someone please dear god before everything
explodes inside of me and I become
nothing but wait, isn’t that funny, there isn’t anyone anymore all because
of me and this thing inside of me
that makes no fucking sense and I
just want it to all go away to turn back and change but it won’t of
course nothing works like that you
know but oh gods how I wish it did
but I’m not allowed that either am I wishing
and hoping because didn’t I ask for
this I had to of asked for it ‘cause I
knew it was coming and I wanted so
badly to stop it but I couldn’t and I don’t know where any of this is
going. Nicole sits there and
says that she doesn’t think being
friends with me will work, texts
me and commits to the finality when
she knows she’s all I have left, as
if this severance is better that I have
no one and nothing left at all now
and I’m stabbed so much by this misery by this betrayal that I knew was
coming and that will surely produce enough
I-told-you-sos to last me a lifetime and more and
oh god how it hurts to know that she cares so little for me afterall that even though our “friendship” is turgid and comfusing, it’s all
I have and that she can just walk
away and know this the whole
bloody time oh god I am alone so fucking
alone, and duh, of course it won’t work
right now we both knew that and that’s
exactly why I wanted so badly to not be
friends with you in the first place but imagine that I fucked that up in two seconds and now you’re the one who’s walking away and leaving me with nothing but a book
and my bare wrists and Christ I am
so alone with no one at all now
and whitney oh Christ did I know you’d fuck me up too but not like this not in
a few hours already prove me wrong
in the most blatant way possible but
all in all this wasn’t about you you just happened to show
up but oh how you showed me like
I can’t put the pieces together in
my head like Nicole hasn’t told me
everything I know what you did
and said and you just complicate things make them so much worse and still I know I shouldn’t have answered the phone again or let you in that was just the cherry on the sundae I think but there
it is and there it was written on Josh and Steve and Pat’s faces, all of them pissed and concerned and betrayed and I pushed them
away like tin fucking soldiers being knocked off a ledge for no reason NO REASON NO MOTIVE and stll that’s what
eats at me the most there is no
reason for any of this, no benefit
no reason no desire nothing I just
did it and it just happened and I have no
idea why when its not what I wanted and I know none of you will belive it but there it is as well I didn’t want this to happen I didn’t
and I don’t get why I couldn’t stop
I don’t know what pulled me further
down the spiral what made me cut the strings to you all
because I didn’t want it then or now
most especially now but that goes
back to me deserving this, doesn’t
it? Someone tell me what I have left now,
here after everything and anyone is gone
and I am alone and drowning in the greatest sorrow and despair
I’ve ever known what do I have left tell me why I deserve to even take one more breath after what I did even
though if felt like I had no control
over it but I did ‘cause I did it and it was my actions and that makes it my
fault doesn’t it so I don’t deserve
to breathe or live or hope anymore so why shouldn’t I take these bare
wrists and the many blades I
have and just fucking die they’re better off without me anyway they are what good did I ever do any of them what reasons did I give them for being my friends Steve oh Steve everything
I’ve done to you over the years, and you
stayed there you stayed my friend
and I don’t get it all I ever did
was drag you down and still you were there and now finally you’re not and I don’t blame you but I hate it I hate it and it’s all my fault and everyone is so much better
off without me it’s funny though ‘cause I can’t live without you any of you without you there’s nothing and
if there’s nothing then what do I
have? It all leads back to the same
thing and maybe I should have done
it a long time ago but I deserve
this too in the end and you know it.
I’ll say this only once because I
know it will fix nothing and will mean even less if that’s possible but I’m sorry more than you know for everything I’ll leave it at that
‘cause I could go on and on an endless
spill of words like I’ve been doing for three pages words on words that don’t matter anymore. I love you guys so much.
~~~~~~~
So yay, wasn't that fun, a trip into my babbling ranting self at three in the morning. Don't yell at me about it, that's just how I felt. Anyway. I gotta go so I'll post again at some point. *hugs*