Nunkest Bibendum
Pairing: Jack/10
Challenge: Intoxication
Rating: PG
Warning: THIS IS WATERED DOWN CRACK. SERIOUSLY. kissing, Donna's dirty mind, and getting smashed. oh, and some language. :O
Spoilers : none, really.
Summary: They went to a planet sized club/bar. But they forgot to bring someone along.
“Where to, first mate Noble?” The Doctor stood with his hands folded behind his back, chest puffed out, full of mock self-importance and arrogance. His voice was purposely pitched much lower than normal, and Donna raised an eyebrow at him.
“I wasn’t aware we were on a pirate ship, String Bean. However, if that’s the case, I’d like some rum.”
The Doctor grinned and dropped his captain persona, chest settling back to its normal place, hand coming out from behind his back. He stepped over to where Donna was leaning on the bench; panting a bit (They had just escaped from a shape-shifting alien that took the form of one’s deepest fear. While facing it down the Doctor had chuckled and murmured, “Boggart.”). He put an arm around her shoulder and steered her towards the console, much to Donna’s obvious discomfort.
“Well, Donna m’dear, I don’t have any rum on the TARDIS, but I do know of great place to get some.” Here the Doctor winked and Donna gave him a dead arm. “It’s the biggest- Ow! What was that for?”
Donna smirked. “Don’t pretend, Doctor. I know you were flirting with me. I have no interest in a great streak of nothing, like you. I like my men with some meat on their bones.”
The Doctor squeaked. “I wasn’t flirting with you! I was merely...” He trailed off when he saw Donna’s face. “Fine. Have it your way. Anyway, before you painfully interrupted me, I was about to tell you about the biggest bar and club in the universe.”
Donna’s eyes widened, and now she was grinning. “Ooh, sounds delightful, Bean Pole. What’s it called?”
“Nunkest Bibendum,” The Doctor laughed. “Clever, really. “Nunc est bibendum,” in Latin, translates to “now it is time to drink.” I always wondered why they chose Latin, though. It seems so much more appropriate to use Playion, or Gerfendel. Though those are debatable too, seeing as-“
Donna snorted. “Babbling.”
The Doctor stopped talking. “Am I? Oh, I hadn’t noticed. Anyway, we’d better be heading off, correct Ms. Donna Noble?”
Donna laughed, shaking her head at the Doctor’s silliness. “Right you are, Doctor.”
*************
Nunkest Bibendum was gigantic, spanning an entire planet, and consisting of hundreds of floors. As soon as they got there, Donna had lost all interest in rum, and become fascinated by the multitude of drinks being served.
They had landed in a coatroom, near one of the roofs where ships came to land. After sneaking out of the room, acting as if they had dropped off their coats (the Doctor was forced to leave his in the TARDIS), Donna and the Doctor waded through a crowd of people to the bar, turning their backs on the bass-thumping, light-flickering dance floor.
They finally got settled in two suspended black beanbags chairs, surrounding a suspended glass coffee table. The Doctor had ordered them the beginner’s tasting menu, small shots of Nunkest Bibendum’s most popular drinks. All ninety-seven of them.
“I still don’t see how you expect us to drink all of those without dying.” Donna joked.
“We can always get a doggy bag.” The Doctor smirked in return.
When the drinks came, a large tray of clear shot glasses of brightly colored liquid, Donna reached for one immediately. As soon as she grabbed one, a new glass appeared in its place.
“Brilliant!” The Doctor crowed, clapping his hand like a child. “A localized teleportation beam. Sense activated too. Wow.”
“So that’s how they fit ninety seven drinks on one tray.” Donna grinned. “Now that’s efficiency, right there Doctor. That’s efficiency.”
After Donna downed her drink (which, incidentally, was purple), she gasped. “Oh, Doctor! It tastes like grapes! Not like grape juice, but like fresh, cold grapes! But I can feel the alcohol too. Like fire.” She shook her head happily, and placed her empty glass on the table. It vanished instantly. Donna smiled. “Efficiency.”
They sat, silent save for the Doctor’s few outbursts of anecdotes about their drinks. They sipped the exotic fare, and looked through the glass floor at the day-glo lights of the dance floor below. Soon these colors began to go fuzzy.
Staring at the soft blur of the lights below, Donna jolted to attention (as much attention as a drunken woman can spare) when she heard a loud thump, out of time with the music, and followed soon by a soft groan. She looked around until she spotted the Doctor, where he had fallen from his chair to the floor. He was rubbing his head bemusedly.
“Y’know, Donna,” he slurred, “There’s a person we should have taken with us when we came here. He’s been here before and he told me he loved it. Plus, he can hold his liquor a lot better than you or I. Because, to be frank, I don’t know if I can operate the TARDIS like this. But, to be frank again, I’m gonna have to, because neither of us have money, and these drinks cost five hundred credits.”
Donna rolled her eyes at the first bit, and then gaped at the last. “Are you serious, Doctor?”
The Doctor nodded gravely. “Crystal.”
Donna frowned. “You’re such a featherweight Doctor.” And she got up, a bit unsteadily, and headed off the way they had come. “If we act as if we’re meant to be leaving, maybe they won’t-“
She was cut off by a large dog-faced man, complete with floppy ears and whiskers. He stepped in front of Donna, and she bounced off of him like rubber. “Er, hi?”
The dog-man sniffed and backed up. “You have not paid for your drinks yet, ma’am. It is required that one pays for one’s drink before one leaves.”
Donna frowned, and stepped forward to poke the bouncer in the chest. “You, sir, just called me ma’am. Do I look old enough to be a ma’am? Hmm? Do I? I think not! Ma’am is my mother, not me. You can call me miss if you like, but never ma’am. Do you hear me? If you understand what I’m saying, say yes, miss.”
The bouncer sighed and sagged a bit. “Yes, miss.”
“Thank you.” Donna looked over the bouncer’s shoulder at the Doctor, sneaking clumsily out the door. She turned back to the bouncer and smiled.
“Sorry about the misunderstanding. I’m on a date, with that emaciated man with the big hair. He’s paying. I think he’s still up there.”
“You think?” The dog-man raised a non-existent eyebrow.
“Yeah. He tends to stick around for a good while after he gets smashed. Blacks out, you know. Unless he’s in the bathroom. In which case, he’ll be back I a bit. I just need to grab something from my coat.” Donna smiled again at the bouncer.
“Sorry...miss, but you don’t paint this man in a very attractive light. Why are you together?” The dog-man folded his arms, as if he had hit the nail right on the head, and Donna was just some woman trying to get out of paying.
Donna was not just some woman.
“Oh,” she beckoned the bouncer in closer with one finger, “He’s fantastic in the sack.” She leaned back and now her arms were folded over her chest.
The dog-man blushed, and turned away. “O-okay…”
Donna grinned and slipped past him, heading confidently towards the coatroom.
***********************
Several drinks later….
“You’re sure you’re good to drive this thing?”
The Doctor groaned and clutched the console for support while his legs gave out. “No. I told you that before. I’m probably putting us in grave danger by even touching this thing. Where d’you wanna go?”
Donna giggled, “Earth.”
“Earth? Anywhere? Anytime? ‘Kay, I’m putting this thing on the randomizer…” The Doctor stuck his tongue slightly out of the corner of his mouth, deep in concentration, flicking switches and messing about with his sonic. “Out of curiosity, why?”
“I wanna know if our drinks even slightly compare to those on Nunkest Bibendum.” Donna giggled again. “Up for it?”
The Doctor grinned back. “Always.”
***************
They had landed, somewhat awkwardly, and had stumbled out of the doors of the TARDIS. They were in Cardiff, twenty-first century, and it was five o’clock pm.
“Cardiff?” Donna moaned. “Wales? We have such horrible luck.”
“Maybe.” The Doctor was already setting off across the Plas, “Or maybe not.”
Donna hurried to catch up to the man, who was now limping sideways across the bricks. She almost tripped over her feet, but caught herself. She finally caught up with the drunken Doctor, leaning heavily on him when she stumbled on a corner of a stone that she could have sworn wasn’t there before…
Soon enough they reached the visitor’s entrance, and met with a
fine young man (in Donna’s opinion). He offered them information on the Plas, and gave them brochures. Then he began to usher them out.
“No, wait.” The Doctor slurred, then paused, trying to remember what he was about to say. “We’ve come all the way from Nunkest Bibendum to see Jack, and I don’ wanna leave until we do.” At this he crossed his arms and pouted, quickly digressing into childhood.
Ianto, for that’s what the young man’s name was, stepped back, and took them in again. Finally he frisked them (something Donna in particular enjoyed), checking for weapons and, finding none, he pressed a button and a section of the wall moved away.
“Ooh! Clever!” The Doctor cried, hopping on his toes.
Donna nodded. “Spiffy. Doc, who’s Jack?”
Ianto turned swiftly and looked at her, frowning. Finally he shrugged and led the way in.
Once in, both the Doctor and Donna started to babble. “Oh! A pterodactyl? I haven’t seen one of those since grade-school!” “Ah! Nice Rift monitor. Who ever designed that must be a genius! And that means something, coming from me.” “When’s the last time any of you cleaned up?”
Suddenly the Doctor stopped, eyes widening. “He’s here.” He looked around quickly, turning his head almost violently, searching for a lost friend. “I can feel him.”
Ianto stared at him and then jumped as someone cleared their throat behind them. The Doctor whirled around and fell, only to be caught by Donna who then also fell. They landed in a heap on the floor, both of them staring up at the man in front of them.
“Jack!”
Jack chuckled, and then frowned. “Doc! Been hitting the bottles tonight I see. A rare occurrence indeed, you old, viceless thing you. And who, may I ask, is this?” At this he got down on one knee and kissed Donna’s hand.
“Now, look here Doctor. This here’s a good-looking man, with some actual muscles, and who doesn’t resemble a toothpick. And he’s got manners. You might want to sign up for his lessons.” And Donna heaved herself up from under the Doctor with Jack’s help, leaving the Lonely God on the floor, shit-faced.
“A little help please?” The Doctor waved his hand in Jack’s general direction and the other man began to laugh. He was still laughing as he picked the Time Lord up and off the floor, pulling him into a warm embrace.
“I missed you.”
“So did I, Jack. I was just talking about you, to Donna over there. We just came from Nunkest Bibendum.”
Jack pulled away from him, mock hurt sprawled across his handsome face. “You went to Nunkest Bibendum without me? How could you?”
The Doctor laughed, and then smiled lazily. “I didn’t want to. I missed you. I wanted you to be there.” And the Doctor leaned forward and clamped his mouth over Jack’s, taking the opportunity to initiate quite the snog-fest.
Donna whooped. Ianto glared. And Jack pulled the Doctor closer.
A/N: I just found out from my Latin-speaking-friend, that "nunc est bibendum" actually means "now is drink". DAMN YOU INTERNET, AND YOUR INACCURATE TRANSLATIONS!!
Challenge: Intoxication
Rating: PG
Warning: THIS IS WATERED DOWN CRACK. SERIOUSLY. kissing, Donna's dirty mind, and getting smashed. oh, and some language. :O
Spoilers : none, really.
Summary: They went to a planet sized club/bar. But they forgot to bring someone along.
“Where to, first mate Noble?” The Doctor stood with his hands folded behind his back, chest puffed out, full of mock self-importance and arrogance. His voice was purposely pitched much lower than normal, and Donna raised an eyebrow at him.
“I wasn’t aware we were on a pirate ship, String Bean. However, if that’s the case, I’d like some rum.”
The Doctor grinned and dropped his captain persona, chest settling back to its normal place, hand coming out from behind his back. He stepped over to where Donna was leaning on the bench; panting a bit (They had just escaped from a shape-shifting alien that took the form of one’s deepest fear. While facing it down the Doctor had chuckled and murmured, “Boggart.”). He put an arm around her shoulder and steered her towards the console, much to Donna’s obvious discomfort.
“Well, Donna m’dear, I don’t have any rum on the TARDIS, but I do know of great place to get some.” Here the Doctor winked and Donna gave him a dead arm. “It’s the biggest- Ow! What was that for?”
Donna smirked. “Don’t pretend, Doctor. I know you were flirting with me. I have no interest in a great streak of nothing, like you. I like my men with some meat on their bones.”
The Doctor squeaked. “I wasn’t flirting with you! I was merely...” He trailed off when he saw Donna’s face. “Fine. Have it your way. Anyway, before you painfully interrupted me, I was about to tell you about the biggest bar and club in the universe.”
Donna’s eyes widened, and now she was grinning. “Ooh, sounds delightful, Bean Pole. What’s it called?”
“Nunkest Bibendum,” The Doctor laughed. “Clever, really. “Nunc est bibendum,” in Latin, translates to “now it is time to drink.” I always wondered why they chose Latin, though. It seems so much more appropriate to use Playion, or Gerfendel. Though those are debatable too, seeing as-“
Donna snorted. “Babbling.”
The Doctor stopped talking. “Am I? Oh, I hadn’t noticed. Anyway, we’d better be heading off, correct Ms. Donna Noble?”
Donna laughed, shaking her head at the Doctor’s silliness. “Right you are, Doctor.”
*************
Nunkest Bibendum was gigantic, spanning an entire planet, and consisting of hundreds of floors. As soon as they got there, Donna had lost all interest in rum, and become fascinated by the multitude of drinks being served.
They had landed in a coatroom, near one of the roofs where ships came to land. After sneaking out of the room, acting as if they had dropped off their coats (the Doctor was forced to leave his in the TARDIS), Donna and the Doctor waded through a crowd of people to the bar, turning their backs on the bass-thumping, light-flickering dance floor.
They finally got settled in two suspended black beanbags chairs, surrounding a suspended glass coffee table. The Doctor had ordered them the beginner’s tasting menu, small shots of Nunkest Bibendum’s most popular drinks. All ninety-seven of them.
“I still don’t see how you expect us to drink all of those without dying.” Donna joked.
“We can always get a doggy bag.” The Doctor smirked in return.
When the drinks came, a large tray of clear shot glasses of brightly colored liquid, Donna reached for one immediately. As soon as she grabbed one, a new glass appeared in its place.
“Brilliant!” The Doctor crowed, clapping his hand like a child. “A localized teleportation beam. Sense activated too. Wow.”
“So that’s how they fit ninety seven drinks on one tray.” Donna grinned. “Now that’s efficiency, right there Doctor. That’s efficiency.”
After Donna downed her drink (which, incidentally, was purple), she gasped. “Oh, Doctor! It tastes like grapes! Not like grape juice, but like fresh, cold grapes! But I can feel the alcohol too. Like fire.” She shook her head happily, and placed her empty glass on the table. It vanished instantly. Donna smiled. “Efficiency.”
They sat, silent save for the Doctor’s few outbursts of anecdotes about their drinks. They sipped the exotic fare, and looked through the glass floor at the day-glo lights of the dance floor below. Soon these colors began to go fuzzy.
Staring at the soft blur of the lights below, Donna jolted to attention (as much attention as a drunken woman can spare) when she heard a loud thump, out of time with the music, and followed soon by a soft groan. She looked around until she spotted the Doctor, where he had fallen from his chair to the floor. He was rubbing his head bemusedly.
“Y’know, Donna,” he slurred, “There’s a person we should have taken with us when we came here. He’s been here before and he told me he loved it. Plus, he can hold his liquor a lot better than you or I. Because, to be frank, I don’t know if I can operate the TARDIS like this. But, to be frank again, I’m gonna have to, because neither of us have money, and these drinks cost five hundred credits.”
Donna rolled her eyes at the first bit, and then gaped at the last. “Are you serious, Doctor?”
The Doctor nodded gravely. “Crystal.”
Donna frowned. “You’re such a featherweight Doctor.” And she got up, a bit unsteadily, and headed off the way they had come. “If we act as if we’re meant to be leaving, maybe they won’t-“
She was cut off by a large dog-faced man, complete with floppy ears and whiskers. He stepped in front of Donna, and she bounced off of him like rubber. “Er, hi?”
The dog-man sniffed and backed up. “You have not paid for your drinks yet, ma’am. It is required that one pays for one’s drink before one leaves.”
Donna frowned, and stepped forward to poke the bouncer in the chest. “You, sir, just called me ma’am. Do I look old enough to be a ma’am? Hmm? Do I? I think not! Ma’am is my mother, not me. You can call me miss if you like, but never ma’am. Do you hear me? If you understand what I’m saying, say yes, miss.”
The bouncer sighed and sagged a bit. “Yes, miss.”
“Thank you.” Donna looked over the bouncer’s shoulder at the Doctor, sneaking clumsily out the door. She turned back to the bouncer and smiled.
“Sorry about the misunderstanding. I’m on a date, with that emaciated man with the big hair. He’s paying. I think he’s still up there.”
“You think?” The dog-man raised a non-existent eyebrow.
“Yeah. He tends to stick around for a good while after he gets smashed. Blacks out, you know. Unless he’s in the bathroom. In which case, he’ll be back I a bit. I just need to grab something from my coat.” Donna smiled again at the bouncer.
“Sorry...miss, but you don’t paint this man in a very attractive light. Why are you together?” The dog-man folded his arms, as if he had hit the nail right on the head, and Donna was just some woman trying to get out of paying.
Donna was not just some woman.
“Oh,” she beckoned the bouncer in closer with one finger, “He’s fantastic in the sack.” She leaned back and now her arms were folded over her chest.
The dog-man blushed, and turned away. “O-okay…”
Donna grinned and slipped past him, heading confidently towards the coatroom.
***********************
Several drinks later….
“You’re sure you’re good to drive this thing?”
The Doctor groaned and clutched the console for support while his legs gave out. “No. I told you that before. I’m probably putting us in grave danger by even touching this thing. Where d’you wanna go?”
Donna giggled, “Earth.”
“Earth? Anywhere? Anytime? ‘Kay, I’m putting this thing on the randomizer…” The Doctor stuck his tongue slightly out of the corner of his mouth, deep in concentration, flicking switches and messing about with his sonic. “Out of curiosity, why?”
“I wanna know if our drinks even slightly compare to those on Nunkest Bibendum.” Donna giggled again. “Up for it?”
The Doctor grinned back. “Always.”
***************
They had landed, somewhat awkwardly, and had stumbled out of the doors of the TARDIS. They were in Cardiff, twenty-first century, and it was five o’clock pm.
“Cardiff?” Donna moaned. “Wales? We have such horrible luck.”
“Maybe.” The Doctor was already setting off across the Plas, “Or maybe not.”
Donna hurried to catch up to the man, who was now limping sideways across the bricks. She almost tripped over her feet, but caught herself. She finally caught up with the drunken Doctor, leaning heavily on him when she stumbled on a corner of a stone that she could have sworn wasn’t there before…
Soon enough they reached the visitor’s entrance, and met with a
fine young man (in Donna’s opinion). He offered them information on the Plas, and gave them brochures. Then he began to usher them out.
“No, wait.” The Doctor slurred, then paused, trying to remember what he was about to say. “We’ve come all the way from Nunkest Bibendum to see Jack, and I don’ wanna leave until we do.” At this he crossed his arms and pouted, quickly digressing into childhood.
Ianto, for that’s what the young man’s name was, stepped back, and took them in again. Finally he frisked them (something Donna in particular enjoyed), checking for weapons and, finding none, he pressed a button and a section of the wall moved away.
“Ooh! Clever!” The Doctor cried, hopping on his toes.
Donna nodded. “Spiffy. Doc, who’s Jack?”
Ianto turned swiftly and looked at her, frowning. Finally he shrugged and led the way in.
Once in, both the Doctor and Donna started to babble. “Oh! A pterodactyl? I haven’t seen one of those since grade-school!” “Ah! Nice Rift monitor. Who ever designed that must be a genius! And that means something, coming from me.” “When’s the last time any of you cleaned up?”
Suddenly the Doctor stopped, eyes widening. “He’s here.” He looked around quickly, turning his head almost violently, searching for a lost friend. “I can feel him.”
Ianto stared at him and then jumped as someone cleared their throat behind them. The Doctor whirled around and fell, only to be caught by Donna who then also fell. They landed in a heap on the floor, both of them staring up at the man in front of them.
“Jack!”
Jack chuckled, and then frowned. “Doc! Been hitting the bottles tonight I see. A rare occurrence indeed, you old, viceless thing you. And who, may I ask, is this?” At this he got down on one knee and kissed Donna’s hand.
“Now, look here Doctor. This here’s a good-looking man, with some actual muscles, and who doesn’t resemble a toothpick. And he’s got manners. You might want to sign up for his lessons.” And Donna heaved herself up from under the Doctor with Jack’s help, leaving the Lonely God on the floor, shit-faced.
“A little help please?” The Doctor waved his hand in Jack’s general direction and the other man began to laugh. He was still laughing as he picked the Time Lord up and off the floor, pulling him into a warm embrace.
“I missed you.”
“So did I, Jack. I was just talking about you, to Donna over there. We just came from Nunkest Bibendum.”
Jack pulled away from him, mock hurt sprawled across his handsome face. “You went to Nunkest Bibendum without me? How could you?”
The Doctor laughed, and then smiled lazily. “I didn’t want to. I missed you. I wanted you to be there.” And the Doctor leaned forward and clamped his mouth over Jack’s, taking the opportunity to initiate quite the snog-fest.
Donna whooped. Ianto glared. And Jack pulled the Doctor closer.
A/N: I just found out from my Latin-speaking-friend, that "nunc est bibendum" actually means "now is drink". DAMN YOU INTERNET, AND YOUR INACCURATE TRANSLATIONS!!