Life changes.....
It has been ages since my last post..... Apparently, my life was in a cul-de-sac, nothing interesting was happening.....
Things started changing after some major slaps on my face from a friend and the (physical) introduction in my life of a certain individual.... With a new perspective in life, new jest, new joie de vivre.....
Things started to change right after I met with another friend.... I was on and on, blabbing about a certain friend..... I had idolized that (girl)friend, seeing her as having everything I didn't have... What were they??? Looks, charm, success with men, a certain elegance... looking in the mirror, I saw a fat person, ugly, pathetic creature, worthless, what we could refer to in Greek as "colorless, odorless, invisible".....
And invisible i was, because I was so much wrapped around insecurities, that no one could see me..... And up to a point, that was ideal for my "idol".... I could go wherever she wanted, do whatever she wanted.... oh, and be the proper escort for her to clubs and stuff she went there to meet with her then "special" friends. Why "proper"? Well, who would look towards an "invisible" person????
So, there I was, getting ready to go out, blabbing to a friend about my "idol".... "I have been sitting here for ages, and all I hear about is HER???? Where are YOU????? WTF are you doing with your life???? I want to hear your news, not hers!!!".....
I got a lengthy talk about me and her..... The belief is that she is extremely insecure, with her actions screaming that she needs attention, and seeking that attention with the wrong ways..... My place in her life? a confidant, but also a person she felt "better" than. Sure, "if she had my face" she would be very happy and do wonders, but she fed out of my own insecurities to feel better herself..... I will not go into other details, or characterizations I heard about her..... All that I needed to clear in my head was that she was NOT better than me...... I was ME, and no comparisons to any one should tear me to pieces.....
From that day on, my behavior started to change..... i think I might have drifted away from her, as well..... Here enters the scene that other individual I mentioned..... New perspectives, new ideas, new breeze......
A friend from afar, independent and with no mental barriers..... Maybe due to her work, maybe due to her experience, she finds ways of pointing out my own faults (and assets) without me building up a wall to avoid listening to the truth...... I have a lot of walls to tear down, a lot of issues to solve, many things to correct...... But I'm starting to work things around...... And despite my silly behavior and my heavy duty baggage, she keeps insisting, existing and helping.... Thank God.....
Now I do new things..... Go to new places, meet new people, feel new emotions..... Hell, i even SMILE at pictures...... You know, that big smile, thing, not lips pressed together in a curved line...... But I enjoy going out with her to listen to music and stuff, places that are not even remotely related to any boyfriend she has (or wants)..... kinda refreshing to go someplace just to have fun, rather than go there to escort your friend to see and meet with her man.....
That had a cost to my friendship with that other girl..... Spending less time with her, and, most important, not informing her about my every single move...... Of course I wanted her along, WE wanted her along..... But her priority was to go to places she had "feelings" for the people (ie men) there, places she'd meet a boyfriend or a prospect boyfriend...... If there was no "outcome" from these places, she wouldn't spend money there..... Apparently she was infuriated I stepped in a bar a guy she was trying to get back together worked in.... She was there, almost screaming at me, accusing me that I wanted to breakup that attempt..... Did I know she was there? No. Did I know she was trying to get back together? No..... Does she have a chip on her shoulder because the last time they were together ended up in disaster? Most likely...... I didn't, and still don't think I need to inform my friends, or anybody for that matter, if I go out, where I go out to, who I meet or who i MIGHT meet (well, unless I go out alone, to let someone know where i am for safety reasons)..... In reality, I went along to that bar to listen to a singer my other friend liked, and have a drink. Yes, I knew her old boyfriend was there..... So? If I took her words in account, I should have started informing her and getting her approval for almost every bar and club around (ok, that sounds really bad, but for the past few years, she has this thing about musicians, dated or wanted to date some.... and we don't live in such a big place, there aren't many places you can go without running onto a familiar musician's face). And according to her words, I should have discouraged my friend from coming to that bar..... Is than reasonable??? Discourage someone from going/doing something (with you), because another person don't want you to come face to face with her ex??? Do I ever liked the guy? No, and in addition to my own tastes, he is a sleazeball.... Do I pose any "threat" for his heart (some heart)? No, he knew me as a nobody, remembered me as such, didn't see me as a different person.....
Will my relationship with her be restored? She hasn't spoken to me for about 20 days now. Agreed, I made mistakes, but since I don't remotely believe I made a mistake, or moved behind her back, I see no faults in my behavior. Except one. I stopped being attached to her. I stopped having her as the center of my world..... My interest shifted from her, to ME...... Maybe I made mistakes, but I have to look out for me.....
I spend many many years denying myself the "inner goddess" (damn those "50 Shades" do get stuck with you), and refusing my personality to shine..... I may not be the prettiest girl, the most talented, the thinest, the cutest, the kindest, or whatever..... I am not a cross between Mother Teresa, Angelina Jolie, Marie Curie and a Victoria's Secret model.... I will never be one..... I am ME.... Like it or not... With mistakes and flaws..... Whether people like it or not, accept it or not.....
I am who I am, like me for what I am or let me be..... At the moment, I NEED TO LOVE ME, and that's what matters the most.....
Things started changing after some major slaps on my face from a friend and the (physical) introduction in my life of a certain individual.... With a new perspective in life, new jest, new joie de vivre.....
Things started to change right after I met with another friend.... I was on and on, blabbing about a certain friend..... I had idolized that (girl)friend, seeing her as having everything I didn't have... What were they??? Looks, charm, success with men, a certain elegance... looking in the mirror, I saw a fat person, ugly, pathetic creature, worthless, what we could refer to in Greek as "colorless, odorless, invisible".....
And invisible i was, because I was so much wrapped around insecurities, that no one could see me..... And up to a point, that was ideal for my "idol".... I could go wherever she wanted, do whatever she wanted.... oh, and be the proper escort for her to clubs and stuff she went there to meet with her then "special" friends. Why "proper"? Well, who would look towards an "invisible" person????
So, there I was, getting ready to go out, blabbing to a friend about my "idol".... "I have been sitting here for ages, and all I hear about is HER???? Where are YOU????? WTF are you doing with your life???? I want to hear your news, not hers!!!".....
I got a lengthy talk about me and her..... The belief is that she is extremely insecure, with her actions screaming that she needs attention, and seeking that attention with the wrong ways..... My place in her life? a confidant, but also a person she felt "better" than. Sure, "if she had my face" she would be very happy and do wonders, but she fed out of my own insecurities to feel better herself..... I will not go into other details, or characterizations I heard about her..... All that I needed to clear in my head was that she was NOT better than me...... I was ME, and no comparisons to any one should tear me to pieces.....
From that day on, my behavior started to change..... i think I might have drifted away from her, as well..... Here enters the scene that other individual I mentioned..... New perspectives, new ideas, new breeze......
A friend from afar, independent and with no mental barriers..... Maybe due to her work, maybe due to her experience, she finds ways of pointing out my own faults (and assets) without me building up a wall to avoid listening to the truth...... I have a lot of walls to tear down, a lot of issues to solve, many things to correct...... But I'm starting to work things around...... And despite my silly behavior and my heavy duty baggage, she keeps insisting, existing and helping.... Thank God.....
Now I do new things..... Go to new places, meet new people, feel new emotions..... Hell, i even SMILE at pictures...... You know, that big smile, thing, not lips pressed together in a curved line...... But I enjoy going out with her to listen to music and stuff, places that are not even remotely related to any boyfriend she has (or wants)..... kinda refreshing to go someplace just to have fun, rather than go there to escort your friend to see and meet with her man.....
That had a cost to my friendship with that other girl..... Spending less time with her, and, most important, not informing her about my every single move...... Of course I wanted her along, WE wanted her along..... But her priority was to go to places she had "feelings" for the people (ie men) there, places she'd meet a boyfriend or a prospect boyfriend...... If there was no "outcome" from these places, she wouldn't spend money there..... Apparently she was infuriated I stepped in a bar a guy she was trying to get back together worked in.... She was there, almost screaming at me, accusing me that I wanted to breakup that attempt..... Did I know she was there? No. Did I know she was trying to get back together? No..... Does she have a chip on her shoulder because the last time they were together ended up in disaster? Most likely...... I didn't, and still don't think I need to inform my friends, or anybody for that matter, if I go out, where I go out to, who I meet or who i MIGHT meet (well, unless I go out alone, to let someone know where i am for safety reasons)..... In reality, I went along to that bar to listen to a singer my other friend liked, and have a drink. Yes, I knew her old boyfriend was there..... So? If I took her words in account, I should have started informing her and getting her approval for almost every bar and club around (ok, that sounds really bad, but for the past few years, she has this thing about musicians, dated or wanted to date some.... and we don't live in such a big place, there aren't many places you can go without running onto a familiar musician's face). And according to her words, I should have discouraged my friend from coming to that bar..... Is than reasonable??? Discourage someone from going/doing something (with you), because another person don't want you to come face to face with her ex??? Do I ever liked the guy? No, and in addition to my own tastes, he is a sleazeball.... Do I pose any "threat" for his heart (some heart)? No, he knew me as a nobody, remembered me as such, didn't see me as a different person.....
Will my relationship with her be restored? She hasn't spoken to me for about 20 days now. Agreed, I made mistakes, but since I don't remotely believe I made a mistake, or moved behind her back, I see no faults in my behavior. Except one. I stopped being attached to her. I stopped having her as the center of my world..... My interest shifted from her, to ME...... Maybe I made mistakes, but I have to look out for me.....
I spend many many years denying myself the "inner goddess" (damn those "50 Shades" do get stuck with you), and refusing my personality to shine..... I may not be the prettiest girl, the most talented, the thinest, the cutest, the kindest, or whatever..... I am not a cross between Mother Teresa, Angelina Jolie, Marie Curie and a Victoria's Secret model.... I will never be one..... I am ME.... Like it or not... With mistakes and flaws..... Whether people like it or not, accept it or not.....
I am who I am, like me for what I am or let me be..... At the moment, I NEED TO LOVE ME, and that's what matters the most.....