(no subject)
It's two in the morning. Why am I still up?
This is the real reason for all my actions on Achaea: Everyone was sickening me. My "family members" were sickening me. My own character was sickening me. Unlike with WoW, where the sheer wonder of the world drew me away from my real life, here I was very well aware that my real life was far more interesting and healthy for me. I logged onto Achaea to feed on the drama.
When I wanted to leave? I wanted to leave many, many times. But every time there was some impetus that forced me back. All the credits I bought, the powers that had just been learned and had been barely used. The House programs I was in. Relationships with other people. It's a terrible thing to do, to be selfish, to say, "I'm going to throw our perceived relationship on the rocks because I want to." Or even "because I need to". I happen to be that terrible, that selfish, and that irresponsible.
So I manufactured drama to leave a nasty taste in everyone else's mouths, and not miss me, and not want me back.
Yes, I play both Caeranis and Loiana, her mother. Yes, I manufactured conversations and arguments that didn't exist between them. As Loiana I planted suspicions that Cae was actually in love with Achi. As Caeranis I "confirmed" those suspicions at the drop of a dime, broke my engagement, and didn't care. Then I stayed the hell away from everyone and waited for Achi and Isis to take center stage again. And I came back, assessed the situation, and now I'm not going to play anymore. Not going to make a sixth character. Not going to give random people blasts from the past, because it's really rather awkward and a bitchy thing to do.
I think most of you who are reading this, who know me in real life and/or have never played Achaea with me (druidoftheoak, you don't count) can agree that I'm a nice, intelligent, thoughtful person who's become something of a doormat in recent years. Caeranis was my antithesis, exuberant and unthinking and willing to be an utter irresponsible bitch.
Whoever's reading this, who doesn't know me in real life, and who has played Achaea with me? I'm trusting you with a lot here, expounding upon my own moral ugliness. Perfectly willing to let you flame me or stalk me or anything worse. And really, maybe this is the wrong way to approach the whole situation. Maybe I should have shut up way back then and gone with the flow and be married and then left and felt guilty over something I shouldn't have felt guilty about. Instead of doing all this and not feeling guilty about any of the shockingly manipulative things I have done.
Do I feel guilty?
Yes. Some. I wouldn't so much if I knew I didn't actually hurt anyone, but. Traliby's been a wonderful friend and she has no clue what's gone on at all. Achimenius... well, I used him. I didn't think I'd ever be saying that, but I did, didn't I? And Hysminai... he didn't deserve this at all, and I won't deny that, but everything happened as planned and now even if I tried to go back and patch things up I wouldn't be able to, which was my goal to begin with.
Not going to think about any of this again anyway. I have three classes tomorrow. Fencing practice to dread. A real fiancee to care for. My life's going to proceed as usual.
Edit: I don't know if the original intended audience of this will return to reread, but in case you do... thank you. You've been too kind to me - I hoped only for bitter understanding, and open reciprocation stunned me. I could go on for a few more paragraphs about how I tried to have Loi and Cae on at the same time a few times (Nexus and GMud together FTW - fear of being shrubbed FTL) or about how I would have manufactured a confrontation between the two if the topic hadn't been brought up, or about how I ended up airsick-and-food-poisoned myself in China two summers back - but it wouldn't help. Leave it at this... I respect you greatly (not least for your own deft machinations) and I hope your responsibilities won't get in the way of your happiness. Ever.
This is the real reason for all my actions on Achaea: Everyone was sickening me. My "family members" were sickening me. My own character was sickening me. Unlike with WoW, where the sheer wonder of the world drew me away from my real life, here I was very well aware that my real life was far more interesting and healthy for me. I logged onto Achaea to feed on the drama.
When I wanted to leave? I wanted to leave many, many times. But every time there was some impetus that forced me back. All the credits I bought, the powers that had just been learned and had been barely used. The House programs I was in. Relationships with other people. It's a terrible thing to do, to be selfish, to say, "I'm going to throw our perceived relationship on the rocks because I want to." Or even "because I need to". I happen to be that terrible, that selfish, and that irresponsible.
So I manufactured drama to leave a nasty taste in everyone else's mouths, and not miss me, and not want me back.
Yes, I play both Caeranis and Loiana, her mother. Yes, I manufactured conversations and arguments that didn't exist between them. As Loiana I planted suspicions that Cae was actually in love with Achi. As Caeranis I "confirmed" those suspicions at the drop of a dime, broke my engagement, and didn't care. Then I stayed the hell away from everyone and waited for Achi and Isis to take center stage again. And I came back, assessed the situation, and now I'm not going to play anymore. Not going to make a sixth character. Not going to give random people blasts from the past, because it's really rather awkward and a bitchy thing to do.
I think most of you who are reading this, who know me in real life and/or have never played Achaea with me (druidoftheoak, you don't count) can agree that I'm a nice, intelligent, thoughtful person who's become something of a doormat in recent years. Caeranis was my antithesis, exuberant and unthinking and willing to be an utter irresponsible bitch.
Whoever's reading this, who doesn't know me in real life, and who has played Achaea with me? I'm trusting you with a lot here, expounding upon my own moral ugliness. Perfectly willing to let you flame me or stalk me or anything worse. And really, maybe this is the wrong way to approach the whole situation. Maybe I should have shut up way back then and gone with the flow and be married and then left and felt guilty over something I shouldn't have felt guilty about. Instead of doing all this and not feeling guilty about any of the shockingly manipulative things I have done.
Do I feel guilty?
Yes. Some. I wouldn't so much if I knew I didn't actually hurt anyone, but. Traliby's been a wonderful friend and she has no clue what's gone on at all. Achimenius... well, I used him. I didn't think I'd ever be saying that, but I did, didn't I? And Hysminai... he didn't deserve this at all, and I won't deny that, but everything happened as planned and now even if I tried to go back and patch things up I wouldn't be able to, which was my goal to begin with.
Not going to think about any of this again anyway. I have three classes tomorrow. Fencing practice to dread. A real fiancee to care for. My life's going to proceed as usual.
Edit: I don't know if the original intended audience of this will return to reread, but in case you do... thank you. You've been too kind to me - I hoped only for bitter understanding, and open reciprocation stunned me. I could go on for a few more paragraphs about how I tried to have Loi and Cae on at the same time a few times (Nexus and GMud together FTW - fear of being shrubbed FTL) or about how I would have manufactured a confrontation between the two if the topic hadn't been brought up, or about how I ended up airsick-and-food-poisoned myself in China two summers back - but it wouldn't help. Leave it at this... I respect you greatly (not least for your own deft machinations) and I hope your responsibilities won't get in the way of your happiness. Ever.