2021 year in review
It's the last day of the year, and so as usual I feel compelled to take some stock, think about the past and future, mentally prepare myself for what's coming and learn what I can of what's gone on.
I think I used to have a format for this when I was younger? But the last few years I've been too busy, so I just sit down and think about things and write them down.
I started 2020 unemployed and unvaccinated (not by choice of course, vaccines just hadn't come out yet), with a novel I'd been working on for 2 years and couldn't see the end of. I was happy and content, all things considered, but boy did my situation improve in my ways.
In 2021 I got vaccinated, which may seem like an automatic sort of thing - vaccines are offered to you, you take them - but in reality was a very huge deal, imo. My level of anxiety, the limits on my social behavior, all of that was suddenly eased in a big way, also because everyone I love was able to get vaccinated as well. What a huge, huge achievement it all was, and how fortunate I still feel that I live in a country that was the first in the world to offer vaccines at a massive scale to its citizens.
I then found a job! LOL literally on the last month of my unemployment benefits. All in all, after I lost my job the government paid me 75% of my salary for a YEAR, and the month the benefits stopped was the month I signed the contract for the new job.
I feel enormously fortunate about that as well. I'm sure there were many places in the world where the government supported its citizens more and many where it was less, but in this instance I'm just so, so grateful that it worked out as it did for me. That I was able to have a year of just, living my life without really worrying about money (I wasn't able to save anything, I did need savings for occasional crises but overall 75% of my salary was enough to live on), I was able to go through the very long, slow process of figuring out my next move career-wise, I was able to write my book in peace, I was able to just rest from the grind of working for the first time in like 9 years, which was amazing.
*
I started the new job in August and am still very pleased with it, even now that the shine of the new has worn off. I knew that professionally this job was a compromise at best, like the projects I'm working on are not exactly top-of-the-line exciting, but thanks to this job I have a new profession now.
A profession that's way more demanding than my previous one, but also about 3 times as profitable. And most importantly, a profession I actually enjoy and want to keep doing, instead of one I feel I've outgrown and lost interest in.
Like, the terms and conditions of my current job are great, but I do plan on asking for a raise and promotion within the next year. And it's really stunning to realize that I may or may not get them, but if I don't then the option to find a similar job with better terms will be open to me. Like, I'll have even more experience in a well-paying job that's usually in demand. I have an actual profession for which there are fancy professional conventions, and which I could get paid even more for if I for example wanted to move to the US or Canada.
Until now, my adult professional life was like - well, this is a dead-end job, I may get small raises every few years or I may not, but regardless I'm never going to leave unless they kick me out because there's nowhere else I could get better terms. But now... I think I can? I mean no one's kicking down my door asking me to work for them, but I definitely have options. Which is very very new, and very cool.
*
Writing-wise 2021 was also pretty monumentous.
* I was nominated for a literary award! A short story that originally came out in English was published in an anthology in Hebrew, and was nominated for the local equivalent of the Hugos (AKA the only literary award we have specifically for SF/F lol)! I didn't expect to win, it was a surprise that I could even compete with a much shorter work than it standard for the local market, and with something relatively old that was written for a different audience entirely.
I keep trying to remind myself now whenever I introduce myself professionally as a writer that I am award-nominated! It's still very new and weird and wonderful.
* I finished that final draft of the novel! (!!!!!!)
This literally happened a few days ago, and I suppose I should qualify it because it does have disclaimers. I finished the last big re-write of the book based on beta feedback. Now that that's done I do want to do another pass through the entire text and improve and tighten the prose where I can, really make it sparkle
(something that most authors I know who were submitting to agents didn't actually do, many consider it unncessary and a waste of time since the book will go through so many more edits before publication, but I have so much anxiety about not being good enough, I feel like I need to MAKE SURE that it's in absolute top shape so my brain doesn't think awkward phrasing here or there is why it was rejected.)
So, technically there will be another pass, I'm not free right now to start working on the next project, but at the same time I'm not waiting for that pass to start sending the book out to agents (hurray! rejection is closer than ever!) so in every respect that matters, the book is done.
At the closing of 2021, I even have a workshopped query letter for agents, and a synopsis of the novel (both things you apparently need in trad pub). I'm ready! I've done it! There's still that asterisk that will be completed next year, but. GOD. WOW. Can't believe I've reached this point.
Maybe the book is complete garbage, maybe it's wonderful and it'll still never sell, but I've done it. I've written an original piece that's 115,000 words long and is objectively a book. I've set it in a universe I love, and it objectively has characters, plots, themes, an ending, just all the things A Book has.
*
Another creative project I did this year (launched in January!) is of course Pop Culture Sociologist, my little podcast. I can't believe I managed to get a full season of it done - with scripts and graphics and audio recording and sound editing. I really did that, all by myself, and people really listened to it and subscribed (as of now, 133 people are subscribed to it on Spotify, and Spotify in general accounts for about 30% of all episode listeners). Probably the most surprising and happy making part was when people actually listened to the 60+ minute Q&A episode that was just me rambling, and then some even felt the need to come and tell me how much they enjoyed it.
*
Fandom-wise, I fell into a deep hole of Italian rock music and never did pick myself up again, lol. It was fun though, no complaints! I've never been in an RPF musical fandom where I actually did genuinely love the music, so it's super to be in one now. It's also nice that I can sort of dip in and out of it when the mood calls to me, and check in on my favorite Italian musical wunderkinds.
It's not technically a fannish thing, but I did go to some cons this year, virtually and one memorable time in person, for a local con, when the pandemic and vaccinations allowed. Every time I do a con I go through a cycle of thinking it'll be no work at all, just something nice to do on the side, and then when it gets close enough I realize it's SO MUCH WORK and quite a bit of stress and I regret all my choices, and then once it actually happens I'm usually very pleased and delighted that I made time for it.
Doing cons feels nourishing and fun, it gives me both the sense of community and diving into my interests, and also the feeling of performing and being on stage that I enjoy up to a point.
Another big change this year, that relates to both of the above, is that a few months ago beloved flatmate R. moved out, and we no longer live together. This was in no way due to any kind of conflict or tragedy, in fact R. was supposed to move out a year earlier and stayed in part because of me, but it was still a big and somewhat sad change.
R. and I were fandom friends from uni, and though I've lived with people before her who were friendly and nice and kind, living with her turned out to be different. We'd established a household together even before the pandemic, but it just so happened that out of our 4 years as flatmates 1.5 happened during covid.
Being home together 24/7, being each other's company and support, it was really amazing. I won't say that it didn't have its difficult moments, like any two people being cooped up together sometimes had its downsides, but overall it was just absolutely amazing.
And specifically, aside from our wonderful domestic partnership, it was also that we were both into fandom, and in such complimentary ways. Occasionally we'd both get into a fandom together, and during covid it was like living inside your fandom 24/7. We just watched stuff and talked fic bunnies and watched more stuff and recced fic to each other and talked more, at every meal, every morning day and night, just... I've never had that. Complete fandom immersion lol.
I experienced the "loss" of that recently when Wheel of Time came out, and R. and I still watched most of the episodes together, but we don't live together or even nearby anymore, and I just realized that if we'd still been flatmates our house would have been Wheel of Time shit 24/7 for 6 weeks straight if not more. I would just get to indulge and explore that fandom to no end.
I still live with a wonderful person now! But she's not fannish in that way. I'm happy R. has the living arrangement she needs (mostly she just needed to move to a different city, if I'd been willing to move with her we'd have gone together but it made no sense for me for a number of reasons), and I'm glad that we're still friends even though we're both absolutely terrible at keeping in touch, but her moving out in 2021 was a kind of end of an era.
There are upsides of course, but I do miss a lot of things about living with her. Among other things - she and I developed a routine to get me ready for virtual cons at home, and it wasn't until I did my first one after she moved out until I realized HOW ESSENTIAL she was and HOW MUCH work she generously did for me without me even noticing. ♥
*
Looking back at my 2020 entries, I'd be in denial if I didn't mention that somewhere in the middle there, I lived through a war. The kind where I met all my neighbors at 3am a bunch of times in the stairwell, because there were bombings, until staying up late and then running to wake up R. and drag her outside when the sirens sounded became habit.
Obviously it was just a tiny comma in a much larger clusterfuck, and again I am ultimately extremely privileged and fortunate in all ways related to that conflict, but living through that during a pandemic and while being unemployed was... a lot.
In other political news, for me this year was dominated by following what's happening in Russia, starting with Navalny's poisoning and continuing with *gestures at Russian news* everything that's happened since. It's weird to include this in a summary of 2021 because despite being a native Russian speaker I am not, by any definition, Russian, and it's not like I didn't follow foreign news before this year.
But there was a notable shift this year, for me and for many Russian speaking diaspora folks I know, in the level of involvement and also in the resources available to stay informed. Don't know where that's going to go in 2022, but the differences between Novi God this year and last year is huge and notable, across age groups, in my little immigrant community.
*
Less war in 2022, please, universe. More justice, more kindness, fewer egomaniacs, fewer things I can grind my fists to dust and still not make any better, please. Let's make that request number one.
What else?
In 2022 I hope to actually get an agent for the book, and hopefully sell it to a publisher. And if that doesn't happen, which it very likely won't, I wish myself to somehow recover from spending 3 years on a project that went nowhere.
If all fails, future self, and you go back to read this entry on Dec 31st 2022, remember that you did everything you could. You did everything right, and the odds were staggeringly against you from the start. You're not even a native English speaker. You've never written a novel before. Who even thought getting as far as sending agents queries would be possible for you? I won't tell you to keep writing, you can figure that out for yourself, but I will tell you to keep searching for joy and creative fulfillment in the ways that feel right.
In 2022 I hope to travel. I haven't done that since summer of 2019, in part because pandemic, in part because unemployment. I have some vague plans for 2022, don't know which of them will be realistic, but I just really hope at least one of them will come true. Please, please let me be able to travel, with the virus and time off work and such, please. I really hope I get to.
In 2022 I hope to settle into my new profession even more. I hope to feel comfortable to ask for the things I want, and I hope to finally stop being the newest person on the team lol (work is currently looking to hire a few new people). I hope I can stay gainfully employed, as right now this set up still feels very new and tenuous, and I look forward to feeling even more financially independent, since skipping ahead a few brackets in terms of salary.
I hope to write more fic. I hope to take more time to consider my creative projects and do things that aren't the book, which after 3 years I'm ready to never see again lol
(when I was in the early drafts I asked a friend who'd sold her book how do you know when the manuscript is ready? I'll never look at it and go "yep this is good enough!"
She said - when you can't stand to look at it anymore. That's when it's ready.
Well, we've reached that point! lol)
*
So, what do I wish you friends, on this magical evening, the moment when digits change and we all collectively take a breath that's just a little bit different?
As usual, I wish you kindness.
I wish you time. With your loved ones, with the things that make you happy, with the world as it is and the world as you wish it to be. I wish you sunsets and flowers and large bodies of water, in reality or in pictures, I wish you a relationship with nature that fills and nourishes you after how long we've all spent indoors.
I wish you the world. With its strangeness and cruelty and exciting adventures, I wish you to see as much of it as your soul desires.
I wish you even more normalcy. We're all slowly, globally climbing out of the pit of this pandemic, and with each wave it seems we have more tools, more solutions, more routines worked out. I wish you even greater resilience in the face of all the challenges to come. Who knows where we'll all be at the end of 2022, but I wish you to have as much strength and comfort as possible.
I wish you hope.
More than anything I've learned this year how crucial, how powerful hope is. Without it even the smallest problems becomes unsolvable. With it impossible things become attainable. I think for a long time hope seemed like the opposite side of the coin from pain, to me, a somewhat necessary from of opening yourself up to disappointment.
But I've come around on that. Hope is, more than anything, a source of unstoppable power.
I wish you as much of it as you can fit into your life. I wish you trials in which holding on to hope is possible. I wish you as little pain as possible, as a result.
I wish you fanart and fanfic and podfic and whatever else you like. I wish you laughter and friends. I wish you delicious food that you either enjoy making or someone else does.
I wish you love, in every aspect of your life, and confidence, and comfort, and the absence of despair.
As usual, thank you for being here in this space, thank you for being part of my life.
S novym godom.
comments on Dreamwidth
I think I used to have a format for this when I was younger? But the last few years I've been too busy, so I just sit down and think about things and write them down.
I started 2020 unemployed and unvaccinated (not by choice of course, vaccines just hadn't come out yet), with a novel I'd been working on for 2 years and couldn't see the end of. I was happy and content, all things considered, but boy did my situation improve in my ways.
In 2021 I got vaccinated, which may seem like an automatic sort of thing - vaccines are offered to you, you take them - but in reality was a very huge deal, imo. My level of anxiety, the limits on my social behavior, all of that was suddenly eased in a big way, also because everyone I love was able to get vaccinated as well. What a huge, huge achievement it all was, and how fortunate I still feel that I live in a country that was the first in the world to offer vaccines at a massive scale to its citizens.
I then found a job! LOL literally on the last month of my unemployment benefits. All in all, after I lost my job the government paid me 75% of my salary for a YEAR, and the month the benefits stopped was the month I signed the contract for the new job.
I feel enormously fortunate about that as well. I'm sure there were many places in the world where the government supported its citizens more and many where it was less, but in this instance I'm just so, so grateful that it worked out as it did for me. That I was able to have a year of just, living my life without really worrying about money (I wasn't able to save anything, I did need savings for occasional crises but overall 75% of my salary was enough to live on), I was able to go through the very long, slow process of figuring out my next move career-wise, I was able to write my book in peace, I was able to just rest from the grind of working for the first time in like 9 years, which was amazing.
*
I started the new job in August and am still very pleased with it, even now that the shine of the new has worn off. I knew that professionally this job was a compromise at best, like the projects I'm working on are not exactly top-of-the-line exciting, but thanks to this job I have a new profession now.
A profession that's way more demanding than my previous one, but also about 3 times as profitable. And most importantly, a profession I actually enjoy and want to keep doing, instead of one I feel I've outgrown and lost interest in.
Like, the terms and conditions of my current job are great, but I do plan on asking for a raise and promotion within the next year. And it's really stunning to realize that I may or may not get them, but if I don't then the option to find a similar job with better terms will be open to me. Like, I'll have even more experience in a well-paying job that's usually in demand. I have an actual profession for which there are fancy professional conventions, and which I could get paid even more for if I for example wanted to move to the US or Canada.
Until now, my adult professional life was like - well, this is a dead-end job, I may get small raises every few years or I may not, but regardless I'm never going to leave unless they kick me out because there's nowhere else I could get better terms. But now... I think I can? I mean no one's kicking down my door asking me to work for them, but I definitely have options. Which is very very new, and very cool.
*
Writing-wise 2021 was also pretty monumentous.
* I was nominated for a literary award! A short story that originally came out in English was published in an anthology in Hebrew, and was nominated for the local equivalent of the Hugos (AKA the only literary award we have specifically for SF/F lol)! I didn't expect to win, it was a surprise that I could even compete with a much shorter work than it standard for the local market, and with something relatively old that was written for a different audience entirely.
I keep trying to remind myself now whenever I introduce myself professionally as a writer that I am award-nominated! It's still very new and weird and wonderful.
* I finished that final draft of the novel! (!!!!!!)
This literally happened a few days ago, and I suppose I should qualify it because it does have disclaimers. I finished the last big re-write of the book based on beta feedback. Now that that's done I do want to do another pass through the entire text and improve and tighten the prose where I can, really make it sparkle
(something that most authors I know who were submitting to agents didn't actually do, many consider it unncessary and a waste of time since the book will go through so many more edits before publication, but I have so much anxiety about not being good enough, I feel like I need to MAKE SURE that it's in absolute top shape so my brain doesn't think awkward phrasing here or there is why it was rejected.)
So, technically there will be another pass, I'm not free right now to start working on the next project, but at the same time I'm not waiting for that pass to start sending the book out to agents (hurray! rejection is closer than ever!) so in every respect that matters, the book is done.
At the closing of 2021, I even have a workshopped query letter for agents, and a synopsis of the novel (both things you apparently need in trad pub). I'm ready! I've done it! There's still that asterisk that will be completed next year, but. GOD. WOW. Can't believe I've reached this point.
Maybe the book is complete garbage, maybe it's wonderful and it'll still never sell, but I've done it. I've written an original piece that's 115,000 words long and is objectively a book. I've set it in a universe I love, and it objectively has characters, plots, themes, an ending, just all the things A Book has.
*
Another creative project I did this year (launched in January!) is of course Pop Culture Sociologist, my little podcast. I can't believe I managed to get a full season of it done - with scripts and graphics and audio recording and sound editing. I really did that, all by myself, and people really listened to it and subscribed (as of now, 133 people are subscribed to it on Spotify, and Spotify in general accounts for about 30% of all episode listeners). Probably the most surprising and happy making part was when people actually listened to the 60+ minute Q&A episode that was just me rambling, and then some even felt the need to come and tell me how much they enjoyed it.
*
Fandom-wise, I fell into a deep hole of Italian rock music and never did pick myself up again, lol. It was fun though, no complaints! I've never been in an RPF musical fandom where I actually did genuinely love the music, so it's super to be in one now. It's also nice that I can sort of dip in and out of it when the mood calls to me, and check in on my favorite Italian musical wunderkinds.
It's not technically a fannish thing, but I did go to some cons this year, virtually and one memorable time in person, for a local con, when the pandemic and vaccinations allowed. Every time I do a con I go through a cycle of thinking it'll be no work at all, just something nice to do on the side, and then when it gets close enough I realize it's SO MUCH WORK and quite a bit of stress and I regret all my choices, and then once it actually happens I'm usually very pleased and delighted that I made time for it.
Doing cons feels nourishing and fun, it gives me both the sense of community and diving into my interests, and also the feeling of performing and being on stage that I enjoy up to a point.
Another big change this year, that relates to both of the above, is that a few months ago beloved flatmate R. moved out, and we no longer live together. This was in no way due to any kind of conflict or tragedy, in fact R. was supposed to move out a year earlier and stayed in part because of me, but it was still a big and somewhat sad change.
R. and I were fandom friends from uni, and though I've lived with people before her who were friendly and nice and kind, living with her turned out to be different. We'd established a household together even before the pandemic, but it just so happened that out of our 4 years as flatmates 1.5 happened during covid.
Being home together 24/7, being each other's company and support, it was really amazing. I won't say that it didn't have its difficult moments, like any two people being cooped up together sometimes had its downsides, but overall it was just absolutely amazing.
And specifically, aside from our wonderful domestic partnership, it was also that we were both into fandom, and in such complimentary ways. Occasionally we'd both get into a fandom together, and during covid it was like living inside your fandom 24/7. We just watched stuff and talked fic bunnies and watched more stuff and recced fic to each other and talked more, at every meal, every morning day and night, just... I've never had that. Complete fandom immersion lol.
I experienced the "loss" of that recently when Wheel of Time came out, and R. and I still watched most of the episodes together, but we don't live together or even nearby anymore, and I just realized that if we'd still been flatmates our house would have been Wheel of Time shit 24/7 for 6 weeks straight if not more. I would just get to indulge and explore that fandom to no end.
I still live with a wonderful person now! But she's not fannish in that way. I'm happy R. has the living arrangement she needs (mostly she just needed to move to a different city, if I'd been willing to move with her we'd have gone together but it made no sense for me for a number of reasons), and I'm glad that we're still friends even though we're both absolutely terrible at keeping in touch, but her moving out in 2021 was a kind of end of an era.
There are upsides of course, but I do miss a lot of things about living with her. Among other things - she and I developed a routine to get me ready for virtual cons at home, and it wasn't until I did my first one after she moved out until I realized HOW ESSENTIAL she was and HOW MUCH work she generously did for me without me even noticing. ♥
*
Looking back at my 2020 entries, I'd be in denial if I didn't mention that somewhere in the middle there, I lived through a war. The kind where I met all my neighbors at 3am a bunch of times in the stairwell, because there were bombings, until staying up late and then running to wake up R. and drag her outside when the sirens sounded became habit.
Obviously it was just a tiny comma in a much larger clusterfuck, and again I am ultimately extremely privileged and fortunate in all ways related to that conflict, but living through that during a pandemic and while being unemployed was... a lot.
In other political news, for me this year was dominated by following what's happening in Russia, starting with Navalny's poisoning and continuing with *gestures at Russian news* everything that's happened since. It's weird to include this in a summary of 2021 because despite being a native Russian speaker I am not, by any definition, Russian, and it's not like I didn't follow foreign news before this year.
But there was a notable shift this year, for me and for many Russian speaking diaspora folks I know, in the level of involvement and also in the resources available to stay informed. Don't know where that's going to go in 2022, but the differences between Novi God this year and last year is huge and notable, across age groups, in my little immigrant community.
*
Less war in 2022, please, universe. More justice, more kindness, fewer egomaniacs, fewer things I can grind my fists to dust and still not make any better, please. Let's make that request number one.
What else?
In 2022 I hope to actually get an agent for the book, and hopefully sell it to a publisher. And if that doesn't happen, which it very likely won't, I wish myself to somehow recover from spending 3 years on a project that went nowhere.
If all fails, future self, and you go back to read this entry on Dec 31st 2022, remember that you did everything you could. You did everything right, and the odds were staggeringly against you from the start. You're not even a native English speaker. You've never written a novel before. Who even thought getting as far as sending agents queries would be possible for you? I won't tell you to keep writing, you can figure that out for yourself, but I will tell you to keep searching for joy and creative fulfillment in the ways that feel right.
In 2022 I hope to travel. I haven't done that since summer of 2019, in part because pandemic, in part because unemployment. I have some vague plans for 2022, don't know which of them will be realistic, but I just really hope at least one of them will come true. Please, please let me be able to travel, with the virus and time off work and such, please. I really hope I get to.
In 2022 I hope to settle into my new profession even more. I hope to feel comfortable to ask for the things I want, and I hope to finally stop being the newest person on the team lol (work is currently looking to hire a few new people). I hope I can stay gainfully employed, as right now this set up still feels very new and tenuous, and I look forward to feeling even more financially independent, since skipping ahead a few brackets in terms of salary.
I hope to write more fic. I hope to take more time to consider my creative projects and do things that aren't the book, which after 3 years I'm ready to never see again lol
(when I was in the early drafts I asked a friend who'd sold her book how do you know when the manuscript is ready? I'll never look at it and go "yep this is good enough!"
She said - when you can't stand to look at it anymore. That's when it's ready.
Well, we've reached that point! lol)
*
So, what do I wish you friends, on this magical evening, the moment when digits change and we all collectively take a breath that's just a little bit different?
As usual, I wish you kindness.
I wish you time. With your loved ones, with the things that make you happy, with the world as it is and the world as you wish it to be. I wish you sunsets and flowers and large bodies of water, in reality or in pictures, I wish you a relationship with nature that fills and nourishes you after how long we've all spent indoors.
I wish you the world. With its strangeness and cruelty and exciting adventures, I wish you to see as much of it as your soul desires.
I wish you even more normalcy. We're all slowly, globally climbing out of the pit of this pandemic, and with each wave it seems we have more tools, more solutions, more routines worked out. I wish you even greater resilience in the face of all the challenges to come. Who knows where we'll all be at the end of 2022, but I wish you to have as much strength and comfort as possible.
I wish you hope.
More than anything I've learned this year how crucial, how powerful hope is. Without it even the smallest problems becomes unsolvable. With it impossible things become attainable. I think for a long time hope seemed like the opposite side of the coin from pain, to me, a somewhat necessary from of opening yourself up to disappointment.
But I've come around on that. Hope is, more than anything, a source of unstoppable power.
I wish you as much of it as you can fit into your life. I wish you trials in which holding on to hope is possible. I wish you as little pain as possible, as a result.
I wish you fanart and fanfic and podfic and whatever else you like. I wish you laughter and friends. I wish you delicious food that you either enjoy making or someone else does.
I wish you love, in every aspect of your life, and confidence, and comfort, and the absence of despair.
As usual, thank you for being here in this space, thank you for being part of my life.
S novym godom.
comments on Dreamwidth