:ahem:
tis friday. Thank someone high and mitey, whoever that may be these days.
I have the right to bitch in my own journal so I will. Yes, that's right. I just need to get it all out, or most of it. Seeing the fact that I have a lot of shit to do I don't have much time. I am fucking tired of people and their bullshit. I am tired of people pretending to be one way around me and then saying things about me the second i turn around. I also hate hypocrites. I may even be one, if so, I hate myself. The people I trust at this moment is limited. I should just make this friends only but their would still be talk because I can't even pick out who my true friends are. I used to think I could. Well obviously from where I am now, I was wrong. Very wrong. But I'm over it, I reale am...Sorta. Maybe. Not at all. I'm tired of being alone. Even when I'm laying around with someone here and there, I'm still alone. I want someone to love me for me. and for it to be so obvious that I'll never doubt it. I don't want a boyfriend to just have a new boyfriend every three weeks, That's not the type of person I am. I also do not want to just be all over whoever I'm with at the time, because that's no who I am either, but tis who I am becoming. I don't like it much. Tis fun and all for the most part, but none of those people care about me for more than the time they're with me. No one ever has. The slim few that I thought did, I was terribly mistaken. I fade out of peoples lives at just about the same time they were settling into mine. I do not like this. I'm tired of putting on a smile just so people will shut the fuck up with their thoughtless interrogations. "Whats wrong sabs? Bad day? Are you okay?" and my silly routine smile and argument that I am fine, when I'm really not. Not at all. I'm a loser who misses her best friend (nikstah) and what few friends she has left at her school. I'm left with mere acquaintances. People to go have fun with, people to laugh with, to joke with, be hyper with, study with. I miss the kind of people that I tell my problems to. The people who know I'm sad before I even know I'm sad and make me laugh when I want to kill someone. I worry about people too much. Such as Steph in W.V. & even Nikstah. Nikstah is there for me more than anyone else in the world these days, besides Thomas of course, and I'm not sure what I would do without them. I just worry about her when she gets saddened and hope she doesn't fall back into old habits that i dont wish to share with you.
And at a completely different level, I'm going to bitch about my family. My dad is the most two-sided man I have ever seen. His constant attempts at giving me pity parties are just too much. I hate the man so much that I love him more than words could express. I'm just too compassionate. Despite everything he's done to hurt me in the past years, I would do anything for him. Well almost. And my moms the same. "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done for you sabs and I hope you can forgive me", this is a bittersweet apology that is anything but from the heart. She's so emotionless yet I'd do even more for her thant i would my dad. She's hurt me more than him, on several accounts that I'd never want to repeat, and the things she's said, still bother me, but she's so little. She's my mom. And her being in the ICU the other day made me realize just how much she meant to me. She's my life [at home]. I cried when i visited her with all those things hooked up to her little self. she looked So harmless, I couldn't help myself. It was almost ironic. As for my siblings. where are they? Who knows. My sister fills my head with lies, aiding in the hatred of my father. She comes around every...wait, she never comes. Yes, exactly. My brothers are the opposite. With some exceptions. i know if i ever reale needed them, they would pull through for me, even Duston. The heartless jackass in C.O.C. I'm just glad he's happy. With or without me, he's happy and I can tell. He doesn't want me to be part of his life now and I understand, slitely. I live in the past he wants to run away from, therefore he wants to run away from me in the process. Logical enough, maybe. The rest of the family thinks I'm a drugged up teenager who reeks havoc and adds drama to every situation.
I suppose they're right. They all have their reasons for the things they say. As do all the people I used to be friends with. But the people I never befriended who wish to pry into my life [present as well as past], can get the fuck over it. I hate those who judge me before I even have a chance. And if you don't reale know me and are reading this, your thoughts are probably along the lines of "damn, get the fuck over it sabs. all you do is whine and complain."
So i'm over it. Or i'll say I am for now. I have to go clean and do my homework on a friday night because I am one cool fucking chihuaha.
[i apologize for the bore, i don't expect you to read it all.]
on a lighter, more hopeful, and sincere note...
Happy Birthday Dustin Lee Ward!
I love you mister and hope you begin feeling better.