errrr
These just haven't been the best of weeks. Right now i'm on the verge of tears for so many reasons. :ahem: [by the way this is all going to sound cheesy and pathetic. but i dont care about your opinions of me. I know most of them anyways.] :ahem: again. The family is reeking havoc and at this point I dont care in that whole ireallydobuti'mkiddingmyselfandcontinuingtosmileandblockitallout kind of way. I hate these sorts of times. We're back to where we started. My brother came home and all he does is bitch at me. As does my mom while my dad just comes and goes to wherever the hell he desires. and then they pretend tis all okay when people are around which makes me look like a pyscho just causing drama and err. And my grandmother has lost her fucking mind and slipped into utter depression and isolated herself from the entire world. I miss her. she used to be my favorite. and now she hates me. more than i even care to talk about. Ever since the summer before 9th grade she won't reale talk to me. She just tells me how horrible i am and how much i destroyed her family and "broke her sons heart". Yet i sit here crying for this lady's lost mind. Why do i fucking care. And i'm worried about my nikstah. She's cutting again. well twice that i know of but still. It makes me teary eyed because i'm a loser like that and give a damn about people you know. some people would just shrug it off but i can't. i can't at all. I love my nikstah and dont want her to get hurt. especially if she's hurting herself. tis killing me to think about it so i'll try to stop. It just reminds me of old friends as well. I just want to be happy again. I can't even remember the last time-frame that I was completely content. Maybe it doesn't exist and i'll just spend my entire life looking for something that willl never be found and I'll die with this empty feeling inside. I wish I could fall in love with someone but I can't and never will. No one loves me like that and I'll get over it. As always. I just see all these girls switching guys every week & it makes me wonder, why and how would you do that. I guess i'll never know. I've never been in a serious relationship, maybe tis jus not meant for sabs. I'm beginning to think so.
Well since none of you care besides nikstah & dustin & people who don't read this. I'm going to go eat and ask my mother if i can go over nikstahs to have a night full of babysitting sierra and strangling sandy while uhm. having fun. haha. I need it soo bad. Tommorrow we're having christmas at my house for once, all my brothers are coming over & we're going to eat in my basement thats missing half a ceiling because of leaky pipes and theres clutter EVERYWHERE. but i give up. and i'll eat under my nonexistent ceiling and try to force a smile so my brothers wont interrogate me and get answers they dont want to hear.
one more year, one more year, one more year.
I miss Mo.