Philophobia
Title: Philophobia
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Kai/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sehun was always best friends with Luhan. It was pretty common to hang out together with him until he realized that he was suffering from Philopohobia. That was when their relationship starts to worsen.
A/N: Please search for the meaning of the word after you read the fic ~ I am addicted to writing fics regarding illness/phobia OTL Basorexia
Sehun was practicing his dance with Luhan in the studio. They stayed back in the room after practicing with SNSD seniors for the SM town collaboration stage. Chanyeol had to meet Baekhyun and left the two of them alone to refine their dance move.
It was pretty normal to have accident happen during a practice. Luhan accidentally tripped and fell onto Sehun, making him as his cushion for his fall. Sehun groan in pain and open his eyes to find Luhan’s face so close to his. Too close. He could feel shortness of breath and his heart was beating in an irregular pattern. He was feeling out of breath and had to keep on doing rapid breathing to make sure he had enough oxygen flowing in him.
Luhan quickly get off him and apologize for his clumsiness. Sehun just faked a smile and excuse himself. It was pretty common to have such accidents happening and most of the time they will just laugh it off. However the maknae choose to run away from the situation. He got out and hid at the staircase.
Sehun was breathing hard, trying to catch his breathe. He felt like he had just ran 48km, panting so hard that he feel like he was going to faint anytime. The young one could not understand why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just tired after the long practicing hours.
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The maknae was lying on the sofa spending his free time by surfing the net. Luhan entered the living room feeling bored and decided to join the maknae on the couch. The young one did not notice his presence until the older one was less than 30cm away from him looking at his screen.
“What are you looking at?” Luhan spoke fluently in Korean.
The maknae was startled by Luhan and the dangerously close distance between them. It was starting to make him feel nausea. The closed up of Luhan’s flawless face was making him feeling weird inside. Not only that, Sehun could feel that he was starting to sweat despite the fact that it was a rather cold day in Korea.
Sehun quickly pushed Luhan away and ran into the toilet to resolve the problem by puking out whatever that was causing him to feel nausea about. The vocalist quickly followed him making sure that the dancer was okay.
“Sehun, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The maknae just nodded his head and replied weakly, “I am okay.”
Luhan wanted to go over and help Sehun but his offer was rejected.
“Just leave me alone.” Sehun told Luhan coldly.
Sehun went back to his room and lied down on his own bed. He was feeling much better even though he did not manage to vomit anything out. Perhaps the busy schedule he had recently was affecting his health. He just needed more rest and to be alone.
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It took Sehun awhile to finally realise that he seems to feel sick whenever he was around Luhan. All the different symptoms he had which is sweating, nausea, rapid breathing and shortness of breath only happens when Luhan was around. It was getting more and more obvious and turning from bad to worse. As long as Luhan was within his sight, those symptoms will appear.
That was when Sehun knew he was suffering from Philophobia, the fear of being in love and falling in love.
The maknae then started avoiding Luhan whenever he could. This decision was painful but it was the only thing that he could do. The older one of course noticed the changed between them. He was spending less time with Sehun as compared to before. Luhan did not want to lose the special relationship they had and was trying his best to savage it. But Sehun just had to come up with all sorts of excuses so that he did not have to hang out with him.
This was driving Luhan crazy. What the hell did he do wrongly to make their relationship turned sour? He was determined to find out why.
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Their dance practice had ended and Luhan quickly went over to Sehun and stopped him from leaving.
“We need to talk Sehun.” Luhan said it in a serious tone.
“Can we talk some other time? I have something to do now.” The younger one then walked away like all the other time.
Luhan grabbed him by his wrist and stopped him from leaving again, “we have to talk NOW.”
“I am not free.” Sehun swipe his hands away but failed.
The dancer struggle to break free from his hyung’s grip but Luhan did not let go off him easily.
“Can you fucking let go of me?” The fear was slowly eating him up inside, he cannot stand another minute with Luhan anymore.
“Tell me what is wrong with you and I will let you go.” The vocalist was determined to find out whatever was in their way.
The maknae remain quiet. He was trying his best to control his breathing, not wanting the older one to notice there was something wrong.
“There is nothing wrong.” He answered calmly; trying to hide the restless feeling he had however he could not control himself from shaking in fear.
“You are lying…” Luhan could feel Sehun’s hands turning cold and trembling, “why are you trembling?”
“I am not.” The maknae denied the quickly and shook his hands off him and attempt to leave again.
Luhan did not give up so easily and pull him back again, “stop lying…”
Sehun could no longer hide it from his hyung, his hands was shaking uncontrollably and was worse than a minute ago, “okay, I am just fucking scare. Can you now let go of me?”
However Luhan did not release his grip and kept on asking, “what are you scared of? You can share with me and we can face it together. I can help you.”
“You can’t.” Sehun said it in his hyung face, he do not want his help at all. It will just make things worse.
“If you don’t tell me, how would you know I can’t help? Maybe there is something I can do to help.” Luhan was persistent to help the younger one. Having Sehun to reveal a problem to him was a step closer to make things back to how it was before.
“You can help by letting go of my hand.”
They remained quiet for a while before Luhan break the silence, “Sehun, do you know it hurts me to know that we are no longer what we used to be like before? I am trying so hard to find out what’s wrong but you just refuse to tell me anything. What’s wrong? Can you just tell me what the hell is wrong?”
“Do you think is fucking easy for me to avoid you? Do you know how fucking painful it is for me? Do you know how many times I wish I wasn’t suffering from this phobia so that I can stay by your side even if it means just as best friends?”
Sehun thrashed out everything that was kept inside him for a long time. Luhan did not know what to say, every word the younger one said seems so difficult to understand all of the sudden. He did not know that Sehun was having such a hard time.
The silence was making Sehun guilty for throwing temper at Luhan. He could not blame him for all the pain and misery that he had tolerated for all this time. It was the stupid phobia that he had been causing it. Dammit. Why was he so weak?
“I am sorry.” Sehun apologised to his hyung.
Maybe this marks the end of their relationship.
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Things remain the same for Hunhan. Luhan no longer attempt to get close to Sehun anymore. They still do practice together but no words were exchange between them. The older one knew that the more he forced him the more painful it will be for the maknae.
He tried to look for treatment for such phobia but there was not much he could do. Was there really nothing that he could do to help Sehun? Luhan was on the brink of giving up.
“Luhan hyung, what are you doing?” Kai entered the room looking at his computer screen.
“Nothing, I am just looking at our fans comment.” Luhan faked a smile and click away the window that was about philophobia.
Kai actually knew what Luhan was doing before he came in. He already knew about the things that were going on between the maknae and the older one. Sehun was having philophobia and Luhan was trying to search for a way to cure him so that they can be together like normal couple. However it was not easy to get rid of a phobia within a short time.
It was a perfect chance for Kai to go between them and make Luhan choose him instead. The dancer knew such action was despicable but love is selfish. He could not allow such opportunity to pass by. Neither was he those types of guys who are self-sacrificing nor was he willing to help Sehun to overcome the phobia so that he can live happily ever after with Luhan.
He couldn’t. Humans are selfish.
Kai turned Luhan’s chair around so that they were facing each other and he held onto both of his hands, “hyung, let me love you.”
“What are you talking about Kai? I…” Before Luhan could finish his sentence, Kai stopped him.
“I know Sehun cannot love you like what normal people could. But I can. ”
“Kai…”
“I can hold your hand like this, do skinship with you, hug you, kiss you and comfort you. Luhan, give me a chance to love you. I promise I will cherish you with all my heart. ”
Luhan did not give Kai a reply. He also could not leave Sehun alone to suffer from such phobia that will affect the rest of his life.
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The vocalist received a call that his grandmother in China was ill and had been admitted to the hospital. It was very serious and she might just leave anytime. Luhan tried to persuade his manager to give him the permission to visit her but he was rejected. He could not leave now, he still had a lot of schedule that was lining up waiting for him.
Luhan returned to the dance studio with a dejected look but he tried his best to cover it up and continued his dance practice with the rest of the members. After a few hours of practicing, they could finally head home and rest but Luhan stayed back continue on practicing. He wanted to tire himself out instead of thinking about her sick grandmother that was waiting to see him for the last time.
The long hours of practice did tire him out and he finally collapse onto the floor. He wanted to cry but he remember that his grandmother always tell him that boys should not cry. Luhan held back the tears that were threatening to fall and his heart was hurting even more than before.
How he wished that Sehun could be here with him, pulling him into his arms and tell him that everything will be okay. However Sehun could not get close to him at all because of the phobia. Luhan curled up in a fetus position, hoping all the pain will just go away by itself.
Sehun was quietly observing Luhan from aside. He wanted to just go over and embrace him in his arms but he could not. His body did not listen to his order. The makane could only stay here looking at his hyung in pain and unable to do anything to lessen the pain.
Maybe he could try and approach him. Who cares about the phobia, Luhan needs him now.
When he was about to move over to his side, Kai came into the studio. He lied down beside him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. When he turned to look at him, he gave Luhan an encouraging smile. The dancer planted a kiss on his forehead and pulled him closer to his side.
These were the action that Sehun wished he could do but he could not.
Luhan was grateful that Kai could be here to comfort him, but he secretly wished that it was Sehun instead.
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“Sehun look what I have found!” Luhan smiled happily and showed Sehun the stack of papers that was filled with information regarding Philophobia.
The maknae did not show much emotion on his face after hearing the news and he did not look as thrilled as what the older one thought he would be. Did something happened? Luhan stopped in front of Sehun, trying to read the expression he had on his face.
“Luhan hyung, you don’t have to help me anymore.”
What…? Was the phobia acting up again?
The maknae continued on, “Kai is a good choice. You should accept him.”
“Sehun…what are you talking about…”Luhan could not understand why Sehun was pushing him away to someone else.
“Stop it Luhan hyung, I don’t need you to pity me I can deal with the phobia myself.”
Luhan wanted to explain that whatever he did now was not because he pitied him, it was because he loved him. But since Sehun had already given up on himself, there was no reason why he should continue on helping him.
The older one threw the papers against his face, showing his anger. He walked away feeling disappointed and left the papers flying around in the room. It was scattered all around the floor, all the hardwork the vocalist had put in went down the drain.
Sorry Luhan hyung. 我没有能力去好好的爱你，就让他代替我好好的来爱你吧。
(I do not have the capability to love you, so let him replace me to love you instead.)
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It was time for EXO-M to head back to China once again. All EXO members were sending them off from the dorm as they did not want to create too much commotion by being at the airport with them. Not much word were exchange, they knew that they will meet again few months later. However both Sehun and Luhan knew this goodbye has different meaning.
Sehun stood at the back looking at how Kai was holding on the Luhan’s hands in front of everyone. They announced that they were together few days back and the maknae said nothing. He was not in the position to object and the rest of the members were rather supportive about it.
The incident had showed Sehun how Kai was much a better choice as compared to him. Since he could not love him because of the phobia he had, the only thing he could do was to wish him all the best with Kai. He had lost the rights to be in love with him from the moment he had the phobia.
Luhan look at Sehun for the last time. He could never forget what the maknae told him that day. It was a confession without the famous three letter words. He admitted he was selfish to choose to accept someone who could provide him with all the love he need instead of helping the maknae that he was secretly in love with.
Luhan needed someone that can be there for him and Sehun was not the one.
Kai gave Luhan a kissed on the lips before saying his last goodbye right in front of Sehun and finally they left. There were many things that Sehun actually wanted to tell Luhan but now it could only be kept inside his heart till the day he die.
Goodbye, my love.
The worst thing about fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps you apart from your loved ones and drives you to a painful solitude.
_________________________________________________________________________________
This was suppose to be 1600++ words but my twins motivated me to write until it is about 2600++ To be honest I could not decide how to end. I wanted it to be a happy ending but nahhhhh I just could not write it out.
Philophobia : Fear of falling in love or being in love.
Pairing: Sehun/Luhan, Kai/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sehun was always best friends with Luhan. It was pretty common to hang out together with him until he realized that he was suffering from Philopohobia. That was when their relationship starts to worsen.
A/N: Please search for the meaning of the word after you read the fic ~ I am addicted to writing fics regarding illness/phobia OTL Basorexia
Sehun was practicing his dance with Luhan in the studio. They stayed back in the room after practicing with SNSD seniors for the SM town collaboration stage. Chanyeol had to meet Baekhyun and left the two of them alone to refine their dance move.
It was pretty normal to have accident happen during a practice. Luhan accidentally tripped and fell onto Sehun, making him as his cushion for his fall. Sehun groan in pain and open his eyes to find Luhan’s face so close to his. Too close. He could feel shortness of breath and his heart was beating in an irregular pattern. He was feeling out of breath and had to keep on doing rapid breathing to make sure he had enough oxygen flowing in him.
Luhan quickly get off him and apologize for his clumsiness. Sehun just faked a smile and excuse himself. It was pretty common to have such accidents happening and most of the time they will just laugh it off. However the maknae choose to run away from the situation. He got out and hid at the staircase.
Sehun was breathing hard, trying to catch his breathe. He felt like he had just ran 48km, panting so hard that he feel like he was going to faint anytime. The young one could not understand why he was acting like this. Maybe he was just tired after the long practicing hours.
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The maknae was lying on the sofa spending his free time by surfing the net. Luhan entered the living room feeling bored and decided to join the maknae on the couch. The young one did not notice his presence until the older one was less than 30cm away from him looking at his screen.
“What are you looking at?” Luhan spoke fluently in Korean.
The maknae was startled by Luhan and the dangerously close distance between them. It was starting to make him feel nausea. The closed up of Luhan’s flawless face was making him feeling weird inside. Not only that, Sehun could feel that he was starting to sweat despite the fact that it was a rather cold day in Korea.
Sehun quickly pushed Luhan away and ran into the toilet to resolve the problem by puking out whatever that was causing him to feel nausea about. The vocalist quickly followed him making sure that the dancer was okay.
“Sehun, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
The maknae just nodded his head and replied weakly, “I am okay.”
Luhan wanted to go over and help Sehun but his offer was rejected.
“Just leave me alone.” Sehun told Luhan coldly.
Sehun went back to his room and lied down on his own bed. He was feeling much better even though he did not manage to vomit anything out. Perhaps the busy schedule he had recently was affecting his health. He just needed more rest and to be alone.
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It took Sehun awhile to finally realise that he seems to feel sick whenever he was around Luhan. All the different symptoms he had which is sweating, nausea, rapid breathing and shortness of breath only happens when Luhan was around. It was getting more and more obvious and turning from bad to worse. As long as Luhan was within his sight, those symptoms will appear.
That was when Sehun knew he was suffering from Philophobia, the fear of being in love and falling in love.
The maknae then started avoiding Luhan whenever he could. This decision was painful but it was the only thing that he could do. The older one of course noticed the changed between them. He was spending less time with Sehun as compared to before. Luhan did not want to lose the special relationship they had and was trying his best to savage it. But Sehun just had to come up with all sorts of excuses so that he did not have to hang out with him.
This was driving Luhan crazy. What the hell did he do wrongly to make their relationship turned sour? He was determined to find out why.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Their dance practice had ended and Luhan quickly went over to Sehun and stopped him from leaving.
“We need to talk Sehun.” Luhan said it in a serious tone.
“Can we talk some other time? I have something to do now.” The younger one then walked away like all the other time.
Luhan grabbed him by his wrist and stopped him from leaving again, “we have to talk NOW.”
“I am not free.” Sehun swipe his hands away but failed.
The dancer struggle to break free from his hyung’s grip but Luhan did not let go off him easily.
“Can you fucking let go of me?” The fear was slowly eating him up inside, he cannot stand another minute with Luhan anymore.
“Tell me what is wrong with you and I will let you go.” The vocalist was determined to find out whatever was in their way.
The maknae remain quiet. He was trying his best to control his breathing, not wanting the older one to notice there was something wrong.
“There is nothing wrong.” He answered calmly; trying to hide the restless feeling he had however he could not control himself from shaking in fear.
“You are lying…” Luhan could feel Sehun’s hands turning cold and trembling, “why are you trembling?”
“I am not.” The maknae denied the quickly and shook his hands off him and attempt to leave again.
Luhan did not give up so easily and pull him back again, “stop lying…”
Sehun could no longer hide it from his hyung, his hands was shaking uncontrollably and was worse than a minute ago, “okay, I am just fucking scare. Can you now let go of me?”
However Luhan did not release his grip and kept on asking, “what are you scared of? You can share with me and we can face it together. I can help you.”
“You can’t.” Sehun said it in his hyung face, he do not want his help at all. It will just make things worse.
“If you don’t tell me, how would you know I can’t help? Maybe there is something I can do to help.” Luhan was persistent to help the younger one. Having Sehun to reveal a problem to him was a step closer to make things back to how it was before.
“You can help by letting go of my hand.”
They remained quiet for a while before Luhan break the silence, “Sehun, do you know it hurts me to know that we are no longer what we used to be like before? I am trying so hard to find out what’s wrong but you just refuse to tell me anything. What’s wrong? Can you just tell me what the hell is wrong?”
“Do you think is fucking easy for me to avoid you? Do you know how fucking painful it is for me? Do you know how many times I wish I wasn’t suffering from this phobia so that I can stay by your side even if it means just as best friends?”
Sehun thrashed out everything that was kept inside him for a long time. Luhan did not know what to say, every word the younger one said seems so difficult to understand all of the sudden. He did not know that Sehun was having such a hard time.
The silence was making Sehun guilty for throwing temper at Luhan. He could not blame him for all the pain and misery that he had tolerated for all this time. It was the stupid phobia that he had been causing it. Dammit. Why was he so weak?
“I am sorry.” Sehun apologised to his hyung.
Maybe this marks the end of their relationship.
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Things remain the same for Hunhan. Luhan no longer attempt to get close to Sehun anymore. They still do practice together but no words were exchange between them. The older one knew that the more he forced him the more painful it will be for the maknae.
He tried to look for treatment for such phobia but there was not much he could do. Was there really nothing that he could do to help Sehun? Luhan was on the brink of giving up.
“Luhan hyung, what are you doing?” Kai entered the room looking at his computer screen.
“Nothing, I am just looking at our fans comment.” Luhan faked a smile and click away the window that was about philophobia.
Kai actually knew what Luhan was doing before he came in. He already knew about the things that were going on between the maknae and the older one. Sehun was having philophobia and Luhan was trying to search for a way to cure him so that they can be together like normal couple. However it was not easy to get rid of a phobia within a short time.
It was a perfect chance for Kai to go between them and make Luhan choose him instead. The dancer knew such action was despicable but love is selfish. He could not allow such opportunity to pass by. Neither was he those types of guys who are self-sacrificing nor was he willing to help Sehun to overcome the phobia so that he can live happily ever after with Luhan.
He couldn’t. Humans are selfish.
Kai turned Luhan’s chair around so that they were facing each other and he held onto both of his hands, “hyung, let me love you.”
“What are you talking about Kai? I…” Before Luhan could finish his sentence, Kai stopped him.
“I know Sehun cannot love you like what normal people could. But I can. ”
“Kai…”
“I can hold your hand like this, do skinship with you, hug you, kiss you and comfort you. Luhan, give me a chance to love you. I promise I will cherish you with all my heart. ”
Luhan did not give Kai a reply. He also could not leave Sehun alone to suffer from such phobia that will affect the rest of his life.
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The vocalist received a call that his grandmother in China was ill and had been admitted to the hospital. It was very serious and she might just leave anytime. Luhan tried to persuade his manager to give him the permission to visit her but he was rejected. He could not leave now, he still had a lot of schedule that was lining up waiting for him.
Luhan returned to the dance studio with a dejected look but he tried his best to cover it up and continued his dance practice with the rest of the members. After a few hours of practicing, they could finally head home and rest but Luhan stayed back continue on practicing. He wanted to tire himself out instead of thinking about her sick grandmother that was waiting to see him for the last time.
The long hours of practice did tire him out and he finally collapse onto the floor. He wanted to cry but he remember that his grandmother always tell him that boys should not cry. Luhan held back the tears that were threatening to fall and his heart was hurting even more than before.
How he wished that Sehun could be here with him, pulling him into his arms and tell him that everything will be okay. However Sehun could not get close to him at all because of the phobia. Luhan curled up in a fetus position, hoping all the pain will just go away by itself.
Sehun was quietly observing Luhan from aside. He wanted to just go over and embrace him in his arms but he could not. His body did not listen to his order. The makane could only stay here looking at his hyung in pain and unable to do anything to lessen the pain.
Maybe he could try and approach him. Who cares about the phobia, Luhan needs him now.
When he was about to move over to his side, Kai came into the studio. He lied down beside him and wrapped his arms around him from behind. When he turned to look at him, he gave Luhan an encouraging smile. The dancer planted a kiss on his forehead and pulled him closer to his side.
These were the action that Sehun wished he could do but he could not.
Luhan was grateful that Kai could be here to comfort him, but he secretly wished that it was Sehun instead.
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“Sehun look what I have found!” Luhan smiled happily and showed Sehun the stack of papers that was filled with information regarding Philophobia.
The maknae did not show much emotion on his face after hearing the news and he did not look as thrilled as what the older one thought he would be. Did something happened? Luhan stopped in front of Sehun, trying to read the expression he had on his face.
“Luhan hyung, you don’t have to help me anymore.”
What…? Was the phobia acting up again?
The maknae continued on, “Kai is a good choice. You should accept him.”
“Sehun…what are you talking about…”Luhan could not understand why Sehun was pushing him away to someone else.
“Stop it Luhan hyung, I don’t need you to pity me I can deal with the phobia myself.”
Luhan wanted to explain that whatever he did now was not because he pitied him, it was because he loved him. But since Sehun had already given up on himself, there was no reason why he should continue on helping him.
The older one threw the papers against his face, showing his anger. He walked away feeling disappointed and left the papers flying around in the room. It was scattered all around the floor, all the hardwork the vocalist had put in went down the drain.
Sorry Luhan hyung. 我没有能力去好好的爱你，就让他代替我好好的来爱你吧。
(I do not have the capability to love you, so let him replace me to love you instead.)
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
It was time for EXO-M to head back to China once again. All EXO members were sending them off from the dorm as they did not want to create too much commotion by being at the airport with them. Not much word were exchange, they knew that they will meet again few months later. However both Sehun and Luhan knew this goodbye has different meaning.
Sehun stood at the back looking at how Kai was holding on the Luhan’s hands in front of everyone. They announced that they were together few days back and the maknae said nothing. He was not in the position to object and the rest of the members were rather supportive about it.
The incident had showed Sehun how Kai was much a better choice as compared to him. Since he could not love him because of the phobia he had, the only thing he could do was to wish him all the best with Kai. He had lost the rights to be in love with him from the moment he had the phobia.
Luhan look at Sehun for the last time. He could never forget what the maknae told him that day. It was a confession without the famous three letter words. He admitted he was selfish to choose to accept someone who could provide him with all the love he need instead of helping the maknae that he was secretly in love with.
Luhan needed someone that can be there for him and Sehun was not the one.
Kai gave Luhan a kissed on the lips before saying his last goodbye right in front of Sehun and finally they left. There were many things that Sehun actually wanted to tell Luhan but now it could only be kept inside his heart till the day he die.
Goodbye, my love.
The worst thing about fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps you apart from your loved ones and drives you to a painful solitude.
_________________________________________________________________________________
This was suppose to be 1600++ words but my twins motivated me to write until it is about 2600++ To be honest I could not decide how to end. I wanted it to be a happy ending but nahhhhh I just could not write it out.
Philophobia : Fear of falling in love or being in love.