Things I miss & things I'm grateful for.
I miss LiveJournal without all the freaking adds, but I refuse to buy a new paid account until I have some fics to post.
I miss writing constantly. I've been spending all of my time either at work or out lately, and it's pretty much killed my muse.
I miss having endless amounts of time to just sit and think about everything and nothing.
I miss my little sessions of self introspection, where I'd figure out everything there was to know about myself.
I miss my friends.
I miss getting excited for my birthday.
I miss being a kid, even though I never really got a chance to be one.
I miss playing video games for hours on end and not having to worry about going to sleep that night.
I miss knowing who the fuck I am.
I miss everyone I used to know from the Finnrock fandom, even the ones who annoyed me. I especially miss Maria and Kate.
I miss high school, and I miss the things I never got a chance to miss before I dropped out.
I miss the feeling of being in love, even when it was unrequited.
I miss understanding why I suddenly want to burst into tears, before that understanding was taken away.
I miss not being depressed, or at least being able to cope with it.
I miss feeling like I was never going to become my father.
I miss my father.
I miss having older male friends.
I miss the relationship I had with my cousin before he raped me.
I miss the relationship I had with my dad before he abandoned me in favor of drugs and booze.
I miss the appreciation I had for the people who actually stuck with me through everything.
I miss being able to cry.
I miss having feelings.
I miss being me.
However, I am grateful for things too.
I'm grateful for Julie Chen, who is my first real life friend with whom I can spazz about Kpop with. I could not have survived that boring-as-fuck Otakon staff meeting if I hadn't been sitting beside her, passing notes like we were in high school with weird Kpop english on it. Loverholic robotronic, I'll be back, I'm UR man, Do it do it chu, Sorry sorry sorry sorry. You get the idea.
I'm grateful for Alex Hibbs, who doesn't look at my quirks as strange, who reads the notes Julie and I pass and speaks them out loud in such a serious tone, saying things like "Well, that's just fantastic elastic! La cha la cha ta ta!" Alex, who I have a tendency to try and beat up because I have the emotional range of an 8-year-old boy, who reads poetry at the top of his voice in the middle of a crowded area, who bitches about the horrible techno music at Katsucon. Alex, who looks at me with those eyes that drive me fucking insane, who just smiles and hugs me anyway.
I'm grateful for Ina Wang, who has introduced me to both of those people, who has opened my world up so much in just the last year, not even an entire year, who has included me in her little group. Ina, who welcomed me and all my strangeness with open arms, as if I just belonged there.
I'm grateful for Sean Adams, who has always accepted me exactly as I was, even when I was a fucked up mess. Sean, who never asked for anything more from me besides my friendship, who was still wiling to talk to me two years after I fucked him over and disappeared from his life, who has forgiven me more times than any one human being could ever deserve.
I'm grateful for Julie Carryer, who has been one of the only people I've known to be completely upfront about her feelings from the start, for being who she is no matter what. Julie, who never hides who she is deep down, who will go from listening to metal to Miley Cyrus, who feels that it's totally natural to be badass and awesome and still get all gooey around the kids she's watched grow up. Julie, who is never afraid to be herself, who has taught me over the 5-6 years that I've known her that it doesn't matter who you are, as long as you are true to that and true to yourself.
I'm grateful for Mikey Cebolla, who has stuck with me the longest out of everyone, who is still my best friend even after everything that's happened. Mikey, who has always been disgustingly honest, who chose to tell me something even though it helped break the friendship between his sister and I that had been decaying for years. Mikey, who calls me a whore and a bitch in jest, who is a much better person deep down than he'll ever let on, who makes me smile when I remember how much he's been there for me over the years.
I'm grateful for Johanna Puustinen, who may quite possibly be one of the best things to ever come out of having a livejournal, who tells me to not torture myself with learning Finnish and then tells me about the guest room at her home for when I visit. :D Johanna, who is without a doubt the most selfless and genuine person I have ever met, even though I haven't (yet) IRL, who sends me Finnish magazines and drawings and any little thing, who offered me a huge Lovex poster even though we hadn't known each other long at all, simply because she had no friends who liked them. Johanna, who TRANSLATED ARTICLES for someone she barely knew, and just has been one of the most amazing people ever, even though I know I don't cling to her as tightly as I should. ;____;
I'm grateful for Lilith Lentz, who listens to me bitch and moan about people who won't stop singing in the car and asks if I strangled them as if it's a legit option. Lilith, who brought me to fucking Disneyland and reignited my love of all things Disney, and taught me that it's really okay to just be a kid at heart at any age. I'm also grateful for her snark in the most inappropriate situations, for the way she will tell me THIS IS SHIT, CHANGE IT, the way she's always so honest with everyone but herself.
I'm grateful for Margot Leitch, who is the most amazing and self-sacrificing friend I have ever known. Margot, who let me nickname her Miku, who spends so much time writing and stressing over fics so that I'll have something to read on my birthday. Miku, who writes me letters so often and apologizes for the paper even though there's nothing wrong with it, Miku who has been the only thing to keep me writing even behind the scenes in the last year. Miku, who is fucking amazing and beautiful, who always doubts herself, who I always want to lift up. Miku, who deserves the world, and leaves me not knowing exactly what to say here because no words can really describe exactly how much just being her friend and speaking with her over the last year has fucking saved me. Miku, who is the best thing that ever happened to me in 2010, who just. I can't even describe it.
I'm grateful for my mother and my grandmother, for reasons I can't even begin to explain. They may sometimes piss me off, but they have been there for me through even the worst of things. They stayed by my side when I dropped out of school, when I tried to kill myself, when I used to scream hurtful things at them solely because I was hurting and didn't know what to do. They've stuck by me and pushed me forward, and for them I will always be eternally grateful.
I'm grateful for the people from my past, who helped shape me into who I am today.
Travis, who showed me what it was like to really be loved for the first time. Maria, who made me fall in love so easily, who also showed me that just because you feel something is right, that doesn't mean it actually is. Nicky, who taught me that not everything amazing is meant to last forever, that people change and grow apart and sometimes it's better to just let go. Colin, who made me realize that words are so much more than what they seem, that they can drive people to impossible extremes; Colin, who taught me to be careful with the words I speak. Omarre, who showed me exactly how amazing and also destructive passion could be. Shannon, for helping me to realize that not everything people say is real, that sometimes people are only interested in themselves. Kayleigh, for making me realize that sometimes people really can be genuine. Laura Walton, for showing me that sometimes it's actually cool to be a nerd.
There are more, many more in fact, but I just don't have the energy right now to include everyone. But Jade, Laura, Tana, Kim, Naka, Sachi, Mollie, Du. You are all insanely important to me. I love you guys.
/ends this ridiculous entry.