i always force myself to a scathing cold shower when i binge, and cry in it..weighing myself repetitively. unable to feel worth anything good, or worth speaking up for myself...and feel like i should serve everyone, and bend to their wills just a little more that day...on the days i don't eat i feel unstoppable. and the cycle never ends. *hug*
Will, and can end. Otherwise, there's no point to this--madness. I can't live with the idea of having an ED for the rest of my (probably short) life. That's why I pick myself and try, try again.
Maybe what makes this so awful...is that while we're entrenched in the cycle, the only way to get past the guilt and the shame is to not eat--which feeds the mental power that food has over us.
Even when I don't eat...when I indulge in the "pleasure" of power and comfort that I associate with not eating, I still feel guilty. It's not the gut-wrenching guilt of binging...more of a twinge of conscience--I know that I shouldn't let food have so much power over me, but the emotions I feel overide that twinge of guilt.
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unable to feel worth anything good, or worth speaking up for myself...and feel like i should serve everyone, and bend to their wills just a little more that day...on the days i don't eat i feel unstoppable.
and the cycle never ends.
*hug*
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Maybe what makes this so awful...is that while we're entrenched in the cycle, the only way to get past the guilt and the shame is to not eat--which feeds the mental power that food has over us.
Even when I don't eat...when I indulge in the "pleasure" of power and comfort that I associate with not eating, I still feel guilty. It's not the gut-wrenching guilt of binging...more of a twinge of conscience--I know that I shouldn't let food have so much power over me, but the emotions I feel overide that twinge of guilt.
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