I can ride my bike with no handlebars..
I have no idea what I'm doing. It's been two days since I've talked to him and I'm going fucking crazy. I just want to hear his voice!! I just...want him to make this pain go away because he is the only one that can. I know it's cheesey but i called him last night, yeah, i caved. So fucking what. but I didn't leave a voice mail..I left a song (thats the cheesey part) It was "I Miss You"-Blink 182. He used to quote that song to me all the time, and a few others that I've been listning to lately. I feel so...incomplete and empty and hopeless and alone and helpless and scared and broken. I just really hope he is doing okay. I wish I could explain how I feel, and how much I wish I had just kept my fucking mouth shut. It's true you really don't know how much someone means to you until you lose them, before it was a little different, I at least thought I'd have him as my friend. I really don't know what I'm going to do without him, he was my best fucking friend and my fucking sanity and heart rolled into one. He had me believeing in so much that I said I would never believe in, that I said I would never think about, like "forever" and I really thought I could be there for him through everything. And its just killing me that I'm going to miss his shows. I had so many daydreams about being there when he got home from tour, being the one he came home to. I wanted to be the one waiting. Which I guess is funny because it would probably be exactly like it was, it makes me sick to my stomache that I need more then what he was giving me,He was trying his hardest. I know he was. I just wish I could change this. I just...don't know how. Everyones telling me Call him if you want him back. But then I get the feeling I'll just be hurting him more and I don't want to do that..I feel horrible that I did in the first place. Maybe he needs time... Gods I hate time. A friend keeps telling me to let him come to me..but I really don't think he will. I don't know how much longer I can hold onto my saninty, my mask. I'm so afriad I'm going to shut down, and shut out the people that are trying to help...I just..don't wanna be touched, don't wanna listen, don't wanna eat or sleep or do anything. Hell I really don't want to fucking exsist right now. I feel like a bass with no strings, peanut butter with out my jelly, a movie with no plot or purpose, a flower with no petals, a sky with no stars, or a sun with no rays, a car with no wheels, a band with no instraments, or an instrament without a musician...God thats alot of analagys. I could probably go on but I think I'll just let it drop for tonight. I'm sorry to whoever actually read this.