Maybe will end up in CoF? Probably not though.

[sadrach]

Lie together in our bed,
pull us closer, emotions fed.
Tell each other how we feel
mourn the fact that this ain't real.

Sun comes up, sleep eluded
My mind keeps spinning, I'm deluded.
Dreams come e'er more common now,
but I know...

They're not real.
I'm not that happy.
You're not here.
And you never will be.

Comments

Hmm

[angel_guardia]

I'm not sure if it will work out to be in CoF or not, but I like it anyways. It reminds me of a mix between Thoreau and Shakespeare with a touch of Poe ... I know, strange mix, but for some reason that's what it reminds me of. I like it.

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

Poe. You see Shakespeare in that? I see more Browning, the illusion and the lie and all...

I can see this working very well in CoF, actually, just not as the thing (both the poem and the greater work) stand right now. I also think that it's cool that it could work for both genders, though because it's your LJ I hear it in your voice. Still, it sounds just as potent from a female speaker.

(the mixture of "e'er" and "ain't". Argh, pick a time period for colloquialism, or my speaker moves from jeans and a t-shirt to wool tights and a feathered cap. **wonders what that combination would actually look like**)

Re: Hmm

[sadrach]

Actually, this was designed to be in Ian's voice, which is basically a distorted version of mine. As a result, since I would use words like that, I feel like he could too, especially if he thought it fit the rhyme scheme.

Thinking about it more, 'ain't' doesn't fit quite as well as I would've liked. Maybe "mourn the fact that it's not real" instead. It's something to think about if I end up revising it.

My only issue is adding it in without developing the romance too much. CoF is supposed to be about this conflict that doesn't have very much to do with romance at all. So this doesn't seem to fit too much, thematically, at least as far as it's been written so far.

Opinion?

Re: Hmm

[wolfensong]

As I said, neither the poem nor the work itself are, I think, ready for each other yet. I do, however, see this working very well as an addition: a symptom of the struggle that isn't romantic at all, instead of the cause. Because let's face it, a conflict that deep spreads to everything in one's life, regardless. Both of us can attest to that.

I'm realizing as I read through CoF again and again that I can't decide if I want Ian's story to be longer, the thing to have more books/volumes with others' stories, or both. If you want this in there though, I think it can definitely work, just not without some tweaking to both.