Good and Bad
There have been good and bad things going on since last I posted here. It's had me be introspective as usual.
I wish that I didn't care about guys so much. Although, to be honest, I don't think the buck stops there when it comes to my sad moods. Even though I have this wonderful opportunity to pursue what I want, to make something of myself, I'm working with damaged goods. I love my classes and my teachers, and yet it is still hard to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to go to school. Sometimes I just feel so tired or sick, and I just want to sleep into the afternoon. And I ask myself, "Why? What is keeping me down?"
I suppose it's a combination of things. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still unhappy. There's factors of my life that are still really shitty. My living situation, my dysfunctional family, my failed love life, my lack of real friendships or much of a social life....it still seems to add up enough to make my cup feel overflowing. My allergies and asthma acting up don't help either.
April was not kind to my heart. The gent from SL I mentioned in my last entry confessed that even though he loved me, he didn't think a real life relationship could ever work out. A gent I used to know from Fresno started talking to me again, and I visited him during my Spring Break. That didn't go so well due to some decisions on his part. He still wants to see if things could be possible, but given what happened then and since, I don't think the odds are good. Another gent I used to know also tried talking to me again on AIM, but despite his claim to want to be a friend and maybe more, he's not kept in touch since a few phone calls we had.
I'm worried about screwing up my Theory and Piano classes due to attendance. I'm certain I have for Concert Music. The online Health class could go either way, depending on how much of my grade is dropped from stuff I didn't submit. I've been pretty good about attending my Concert Choir, Musical Theater Techniques, and Math classes though. I'm thinking that I should try to avoid taking additional night classes for now. Unless it's a TV class like History was. That, or just not have any morning classes. I don't know... But going from a class ending at 9:30pm on Wednesday to a 10:30am class on Thursday has not been very successful. Sometimes even trying to go to the 12pm Concert Music class that day is hard.
Anyway...
This past Friday I decided to attempt auditioning for the Broadway workshop PCC does during the summer interim. I had debated trying for it, given that the flyer stated that there would be dancing involved. But since several in my Musical Theater Techniques class were going for it, I decided it wouldn't hurt to try. The choreography director was the main guy in charge, though the auditions were also observed by the musical director and 2 assistant directors. They started by having us learn a dance routine typically taught in the choreography director's jazz dance class. It was difficult for me to pick up as easily, given I'd never taken a dance class, and was not used to the various steps used in the routine. I also think I was internally screwing myself over by thinking I couldn't do it.
Next came the very lengthy singing auditions. Given that some who were auditioning had rehearsals elsewhere, they got priority for doing their songs and readings first. Eventually I was called in to sing my two songs. The flyer said to prepare a ballad and an up-tempo song. I decided to use Embraceable You as my ballad, since I thought that was my best song I'd practiced in class thus far. For the up-tempo song, I decided to go with one I'd been singing in SL a lot lately: Spoonful of Sugar. Thankfully there was a website that offered the sheet music in a different key, since it's normally printed in G, but I sing it the way it's sung in the movie (in F). So, after singing my ballad and then up-tempo song, the choreography director came up to me and tried being kind yet sincere. He thought that I'd sung really well and had real talent, but because of my trouble with the dance, it was likely I would fall behind in rehearsals. He suggested that I should take some dance classes, and he said "come back to me." I tried my hardest not to get sad, because I know he was right and he had said something really good to me. The musical director even felt moved to come over to me when I was starting to leave and tell me how much he liked my performance of Spoonful of Sugar, saying that it was a lot better compared to Embraceable You. He could tell from my speaking voice that I had allergies, and said that signs of it in my voice disappeared when I sang Spoonful of Sugar. Trying to stay positive, I exited to the foyer.
Given what the choreography director had said, I was unsure if I should stay for the reading part of the auditions. When he came out to look for one of the students helping him, he asked if I had read yet. I asked if I should, and he said I should. So I stayed until he called me in for that. They had set several scripts out with monologues or dialogues for us to choose from. I picked out a monologue from a scene where a woman has been told by her husband at the last minute that he hired someone to kill her, and she's escaped from the house to a gas station to try and call her sister for help. Given the scenario, I thought maybe it would be good to start out with physical acting leading up to the phone call monologue. So I acted out gathering a robe around me, feeling cold, looking around scared, approaching a payphone, opening it, picking up the receiver and dialing the number. Given an audition experience I had back when I attended CSUN, I decided it was okay to still reference the script rather than try (and fail) to memorize it. I read the lines with the pacing and emotion I felt was appropriate, and tried to give a reasonable startled cry when my character thinks the hitman is just outside the payphone, crumpling to the floor whimpering for mercy. The choreography director stopped me there and again approached me, starting to talk about what I had done. I was worried that he was going to criticize me for the physical action, and he asked me if I understood what he was saying. I said that I thought he was giving me advice, that I shouldn't have done that at an audition. He said that he thought it was great, and that most of the time people don't have the imagination to do stuff like that. He asked who my Theater 2A teacher was, and I mentioned Jay Hern, who I'd not seen since his class last summer. He remembered him and noted that he hadn't seen him in a while either. He asked what I thought of Jay, and I told him that even though it was difficult for Jay to teach given his age, that I thought he was a great teacher, really knew his stuff about theater, and that I liked working with him. The choreography director reiterated the fact that he couldn't take me given his concern with the dancing, and I told him I understood. He praised me again for my acting, the musical director chiming in his agreement with the sentiment, and I made my way out of the theater.
In essence, I came away from the experience feeling both good and bad. I'd been praised and told that I could sing and act well. The only thing holding me back was my lack of dance experience. I couldn't help wishing that I'd tried taking dance earlier in life. And I wondered where to begin. My Musical Theater Techniques teacher had suggested starting with ballet, but the choreography director seemed to suggest that the sooner I learn jazz or tap, the sooner I could become acceptable enough to make it into the workshop group. His assistant seemed to think I should take the Introduction to Dance class offered at the school, but that sounded rather wasteful to me. I'm tempted to take the Beginning Jazz dance class in the fall. I just wonder if I'll be ready for it, or if I really should take Ballet beforehand.
In other news, I've been asked to perform at the Karaoke All Stars this year at Anime Expo. I have my songs picked out and am trying to memorize, memorize, memorize! One of them is one I plan to use for AX Idol as well. I hope my experiences on SL and in school will help me to do better this year. I will NOT choke again!
I wish that I didn't care about guys so much. Although, to be honest, I don't think the buck stops there when it comes to my sad moods. Even though I have this wonderful opportunity to pursue what I want, to make something of myself, I'm working with damaged goods. I love my classes and my teachers, and yet it is still hard to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, eager to go to school. Sometimes I just feel so tired or sick, and I just want to sleep into the afternoon. And I ask myself, "Why? What is keeping me down?"
I suppose it's a combination of things. I'm still dealing with depression. I'm still unhappy. There's factors of my life that are still really shitty. My living situation, my dysfunctional family, my failed love life, my lack of real friendships or much of a social life....it still seems to add up enough to make my cup feel overflowing. My allergies and asthma acting up don't help either.
April was not kind to my heart. The gent from SL I mentioned in my last entry confessed that even though he loved me, he didn't think a real life relationship could ever work out. A gent I used to know from Fresno started talking to me again, and I visited him during my Spring Break. That didn't go so well due to some decisions on his part. He still wants to see if things could be possible, but given what happened then and since, I don't think the odds are good. Another gent I used to know also tried talking to me again on AIM, but despite his claim to want to be a friend and maybe more, he's not kept in touch since a few phone calls we had.
I'm worried about screwing up my Theory and Piano classes due to attendance. I'm certain I have for Concert Music. The online Health class could go either way, depending on how much of my grade is dropped from stuff I didn't submit. I've been pretty good about attending my Concert Choir, Musical Theater Techniques, and Math classes though. I'm thinking that I should try to avoid taking additional night classes for now. Unless it's a TV class like History was. That, or just not have any morning classes. I don't know... But going from a class ending at 9:30pm on Wednesday to a 10:30am class on Thursday has not been very successful. Sometimes even trying to go to the 12pm Concert Music class that day is hard.
Anyway...
This past Friday I decided to attempt auditioning for the Broadway workshop PCC does during the summer interim. I had debated trying for it, given that the flyer stated that there would be dancing involved. But since several in my Musical Theater Techniques class were going for it, I decided it wouldn't hurt to try. The choreography director was the main guy in charge, though the auditions were also observed by the musical director and 2 assistant directors. They started by having us learn a dance routine typically taught in the choreography director's jazz dance class. It was difficult for me to pick up as easily, given I'd never taken a dance class, and was not used to the various steps used in the routine. I also think I was internally screwing myself over by thinking I couldn't do it.
Next came the very lengthy singing auditions. Given that some who were auditioning had rehearsals elsewhere, they got priority for doing their songs and readings first. Eventually I was called in to sing my two songs. The flyer said to prepare a ballad and an up-tempo song. I decided to use Embraceable You as my ballad, since I thought that was my best song I'd practiced in class thus far. For the up-tempo song, I decided to go with one I'd been singing in SL a lot lately: Spoonful of Sugar. Thankfully there was a website that offered the sheet music in a different key, since it's normally printed in G, but I sing it the way it's sung in the movie (in F). So, after singing my ballad and then up-tempo song, the choreography director came up to me and tried being kind yet sincere. He thought that I'd sung really well and had real talent, but because of my trouble with the dance, it was likely I would fall behind in rehearsals. He suggested that I should take some dance classes, and he said "come back to me." I tried my hardest not to get sad, because I know he was right and he had said something really good to me. The musical director even felt moved to come over to me when I was starting to leave and tell me how much he liked my performance of Spoonful of Sugar, saying that it was a lot better compared to Embraceable You. He could tell from my speaking voice that I had allergies, and said that signs of it in my voice disappeared when I sang Spoonful of Sugar. Trying to stay positive, I exited to the foyer.
Given what the choreography director had said, I was unsure if I should stay for the reading part of the auditions. When he came out to look for one of the students helping him, he asked if I had read yet. I asked if I should, and he said I should. So I stayed until he called me in for that. They had set several scripts out with monologues or dialogues for us to choose from. I picked out a monologue from a scene where a woman has been told by her husband at the last minute that he hired someone to kill her, and she's escaped from the house to a gas station to try and call her sister for help. Given the scenario, I thought maybe it would be good to start out with physical acting leading up to the phone call monologue. So I acted out gathering a robe around me, feeling cold, looking around scared, approaching a payphone, opening it, picking up the receiver and dialing the number. Given an audition experience I had back when I attended CSUN, I decided it was okay to still reference the script rather than try (and fail) to memorize it. I read the lines with the pacing and emotion I felt was appropriate, and tried to give a reasonable startled cry when my character thinks the hitman is just outside the payphone, crumpling to the floor whimpering for mercy. The choreography director stopped me there and again approached me, starting to talk about what I had done. I was worried that he was going to criticize me for the physical action, and he asked me if I understood what he was saying. I said that I thought he was giving me advice, that I shouldn't have done that at an audition. He said that he thought it was great, and that most of the time people don't have the imagination to do stuff like that. He asked who my Theater 2A teacher was, and I mentioned Jay Hern, who I'd not seen since his class last summer. He remembered him and noted that he hadn't seen him in a while either. He asked what I thought of Jay, and I told him that even though it was difficult for Jay to teach given his age, that I thought he was a great teacher, really knew his stuff about theater, and that I liked working with him. The choreography director reiterated the fact that he couldn't take me given his concern with the dancing, and I told him I understood. He praised me again for my acting, the musical director chiming in his agreement with the sentiment, and I made my way out of the theater.
In essence, I came away from the experience feeling both good and bad. I'd been praised and told that I could sing and act well. The only thing holding me back was my lack of dance experience. I couldn't help wishing that I'd tried taking dance earlier in life. And I wondered where to begin. My Musical Theater Techniques teacher had suggested starting with ballet, but the choreography director seemed to suggest that the sooner I learn jazz or tap, the sooner I could become acceptable enough to make it into the workshop group. His assistant seemed to think I should take the Introduction to Dance class offered at the school, but that sounded rather wasteful to me. I'm tempted to take the Beginning Jazz dance class in the fall. I just wonder if I'll be ready for it, or if I really should take Ballet beforehand.
In other news, I've been asked to perform at the Karaoke All Stars this year at Anime Expo. I have my songs picked out and am trying to memorize, memorize, memorize! One of them is one I plan to use for AX Idol as well. I hope my experiences on SL and in school will help me to do better this year. I will NOT choke again!