(no subject)
Inspired by Shinedown’s Call Me. I don't own them, but found this while cleaning out some files.
Iruka stared at the key sitting on the table, then at his boyfriend walking away. He felt the tears that dripped from his eyes falling onto the floor unheeded. He didn’t know what he should do. Their last fight had proven to both of them that they needed some time apart. But gods it hurt to watch him walk away.
Kakashi clenched his fist after he shut the door behind him. That click and the sound of Iruka hitting the floor nearly choking on his sobs was enough to make him want to stay. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt Iruka anymore. In time, he would understand that this was truly for his own good. Kakashi took off across the roofs, intent on reaching his own home before he started breaking things. Somehow, he didn’t think that he could do enough damage to equal the harm he had just done to his own heart.
Kakashi avoided Iruka at all costs so he never saw the signs that others missed. The haunted eyes, the overwhelming sadness behind that happy smile, all carefully hidden away from public view by that ever faithful mask. He only heard from others as he strained for faint bits of news, how happy Iruka always seemed. He congratulated himself on doing the best for his former lover. He would stare for hours at the picture of them happy together and he would tell himself that Iruka had moved on and was truly happy now.
When the nights were hard, Kakashi would remind himself of the promises he had made and broken, the pain he had caused his love with his lies, the knowledge that the man was better off when someone other than him. It kept him from running back to the man and begging him to take him back. To ease the pain in his heart and help him to put it back together.
When Kakashi heard that Iruka was in the hospital, he felt as if the world had dropped out from underneath him, spinning away out of control, and gone beyond his reach. He slipped into the room, feeling like a ghost but unable to keep himself away. As long as Iruka was safe and smiling, Kakashi could lie to himself. But what he saw there in the bed exposed all his lies for what they had been, his own selfish desires to protect himself from pain.
Iruka looked like hell; far beyond just the wounds he had received from a mission he never should have been assigned. A mission Kakashi should have been there with him for, if only. They say that hindsight is 20/20 but Kakashi knew better that that. Hindsight is blind, showing only what will most torture your soul with should haves and could haves, but never giving any type of relief from the guilt and pain you feel for making the wrong choice for what you would have sworn were the right reasons at the time.
Kakashi stumbled to his bedside, his usual grace gone as the weight of what he had done falling heavily upon him.
“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” a scratchy voice told him, so different from the melodic tones the teacher had once used. “It took two of us to do this, it isn’t your fault. They were my choices too.”
“I should have…” Kakashi began but the man lying there in the bed interrupted with a sigh.
“Should haves and could haves don’t change anything. You can’t change another person. Isn’t that what you told me that day?”
Kakashi flinched, his words thrown back at him cut worse than he imagined. He couldn’t fathom how deeply they had hurt the man at the time. Iruka sighed.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me.”
“The truth rarely is fair.”
“No, it isn’t. You told me the truth that day. I appreciate that.”
Kakashi opened his mouth to protest. To tell him that it was only another of his lies but he couldn’t make himself speak those words. How did you tell someone that you caused them pain to protect yourself. That he left not because Iruka would be better off without him, but because he was afraid of the pain from placing his heart in someone else’s hands.
“You should get some rest,” Iruka told him, his voice fading away softly. “It will be morning soon.”
“Iruka!” Kakashi lunged forward and grabbed the man’s hand, willing him not to close those eyes again. “Don’t leave me.” He begged.
Iruka looked at him with those sad eyes, “I never did.” Those eyes closed as the breathing slowed. Kakashi tried to force life into the sensei, trying to force that tired body to go on just a little longer. The sensei’s last words drifted up to his ears as that precious breath stilled, “It was you who walked away from me.”
It wasn’t until later when Kakashi went back to Iruka’s apartment that he saw what he had missed all this time. Nothing had changed. The key still sat on the table and all his things he had forgotten and never returned for still sat untouched awaiting his return. Everything remained the same, as if the apartment was waiting with bated breath for that one spoken word that would bring it to life.
“I’m home,” he whispered. The answering silence is what finally finished destroying him.
Iruka stared at the key sitting on the table, then at his boyfriend walking away. He felt the tears that dripped from his eyes falling onto the floor unheeded. He didn’t know what he should do. Their last fight had proven to both of them that they needed some time apart. But gods it hurt to watch him walk away.
Kakashi clenched his fist after he shut the door behind him. That click and the sound of Iruka hitting the floor nearly choking on his sobs was enough to make him want to stay. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t hurt Iruka anymore. In time, he would understand that this was truly for his own good. Kakashi took off across the roofs, intent on reaching his own home before he started breaking things. Somehow, he didn’t think that he could do enough damage to equal the harm he had just done to his own heart.
Kakashi avoided Iruka at all costs so he never saw the signs that others missed. The haunted eyes, the overwhelming sadness behind that happy smile, all carefully hidden away from public view by that ever faithful mask. He only heard from others as he strained for faint bits of news, how happy Iruka always seemed. He congratulated himself on doing the best for his former lover. He would stare for hours at the picture of them happy together and he would tell himself that Iruka had moved on and was truly happy now.
When the nights were hard, Kakashi would remind himself of the promises he had made and broken, the pain he had caused his love with his lies, the knowledge that the man was better off when someone other than him. It kept him from running back to the man and begging him to take him back. To ease the pain in his heart and help him to put it back together.
When Kakashi heard that Iruka was in the hospital, he felt as if the world had dropped out from underneath him, spinning away out of control, and gone beyond his reach. He slipped into the room, feeling like a ghost but unable to keep himself away. As long as Iruka was safe and smiling, Kakashi could lie to himself. But what he saw there in the bed exposed all his lies for what they had been, his own selfish desires to protect himself from pain.
Iruka looked like hell; far beyond just the wounds he had received from a mission he never should have been assigned. A mission Kakashi should have been there with him for, if only. They say that hindsight is 20/20 but Kakashi knew better that that. Hindsight is blind, showing only what will most torture your soul with should haves and could haves, but never giving any type of relief from the guilt and pain you feel for making the wrong choice for what you would have sworn were the right reasons at the time.
Kakashi stumbled to his bedside, his usual grace gone as the weight of what he had done falling heavily upon him.
“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” a scratchy voice told him, so different from the melodic tones the teacher had once used. “It took two of us to do this, it isn’t your fault. They were my choices too.”
“I should have…” Kakashi began but the man lying there in the bed interrupted with a sigh.
“Should haves and could haves don’t change anything. You can’t change another person. Isn’t that what you told me that day?”
Kakashi flinched, his words thrown back at him cut worse than he imagined. He couldn’t fathom how deeply they had hurt the man at the time. Iruka sighed.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair of me.”
“The truth rarely is fair.”
“No, it isn’t. You told me the truth that day. I appreciate that.”
Kakashi opened his mouth to protest. To tell him that it was only another of his lies but he couldn’t make himself speak those words. How did you tell someone that you caused them pain to protect yourself. That he left not because Iruka would be better off without him, but because he was afraid of the pain from placing his heart in someone else’s hands.
“You should get some rest,” Iruka told him, his voice fading away softly. “It will be morning soon.”
“Iruka!” Kakashi lunged forward and grabbed the man’s hand, willing him not to close those eyes again. “Don’t leave me.” He begged.
Iruka looked at him with those sad eyes, “I never did.” Those eyes closed as the breathing slowed. Kakashi tried to force life into the sensei, trying to force that tired body to go on just a little longer. The sensei’s last words drifted up to his ears as that precious breath stilled, “It was you who walked away from me.”
It wasn’t until later when Kakashi went back to Iruka’s apartment that he saw what he had missed all this time. Nothing had changed. The key still sat on the table and all his things he had forgotten and never returned for still sat untouched awaiting his return. Everything remained the same, as if the apartment was waiting with bated breath for that one spoken word that would bring it to life.
“I’m home,” he whispered. The answering silence is what finally finished destroying him.