(no subject)
i think i've backed myself into a corner and i can't get out.
i have friends but who can i really talk to? everything is constantly a joke or cute or funny and nobody knows how to take two seconds to be serious. ugh, i feel forty.
i have real love inside of me and i want to actually be allowed to use it.
and i care so much. i want to get real love in return and i know there is real love,
but for some reason it's packed away beneath the surface.
i feel crazy or ungrateful for not accepting that.
i don't know about anything anymore when i was so sure just a day ago. it just seems like i'm running on empty.
i can't stand my mother, i can't even see my father, i can't go one fucking day without having things thrust upon me. be this, do that, say this, do you have any idea what it's doing to me? i'd rather be abused physically than mentally. i just want something in my life to feel okay. the second it does it's taken away from me. i want two seconds of silence and alone and then i want to be wrapped in love.
treat me like a girl. your girl. treat me like your daughter. treat me like your best friend. stop treating me like (in respective order) a buddy, a scratching post, someone to go to when everything's fucked up and never when you're alright. i'm alone 9/10ths of the time and when i'm not it just means that i have to clean someone else's wounds.
it's not fair.
nothing's fair though.
i just want to stop feeling so empty.
Q: why is everything based on what we see?
A: because it doesn't hurt. it's easy to be cute and have everybody like you. it's easy to dye your hair and please your mother. it's easy to be everything but what you really are. because you know you're a fucking horrible person. and you know you don't impact anyone's lives except to hurt them. and it's so hard to look that in the eye and see yourself how you really are. it hurts.
learn to do one thing right. learn that you're not important. because you're really not.
every time i'm low i think i've never been that low before. this time is no different, just like i say every time i feel like shit and i want to change my surface. lose weight, everything will be okay.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. THE BETTER I MAKE THE OUTSIDE THE WORSE THE INSIDE GETS. I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. i'm not getting anywhere.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. this isn't livejournal material, this isn't something people should be seeing. but why should i hide it? it's what i'm thinking right now.
i need to calm myself down.
i have friends but who can i really talk to? everything is constantly a joke or cute or funny and nobody knows how to take two seconds to be serious. ugh, i feel forty.
i have real love inside of me and i want to actually be allowed to use it.
and i care so much. i want to get real love in return and i know there is real love,
but for some reason it's packed away beneath the surface.
i feel crazy or ungrateful for not accepting that.
i don't know about anything anymore when i was so sure just a day ago. it just seems like i'm running on empty.
i can't stand my mother, i can't even see my father, i can't go one fucking day without having things thrust upon me. be this, do that, say this, do you have any idea what it's doing to me? i'd rather be abused physically than mentally. i just want something in my life to feel okay. the second it does it's taken away from me. i want two seconds of silence and alone and then i want to be wrapped in love.
treat me like a girl. your girl. treat me like your daughter. treat me like your best friend. stop treating me like (in respective order) a buddy, a scratching post, someone to go to when everything's fucked up and never when you're alright. i'm alone 9/10ths of the time and when i'm not it just means that i have to clean someone else's wounds.
it's not fair.
nothing's fair though.
i just want to stop feeling so empty.
Q: why is everything based on what we see?
A: because it doesn't hurt. it's easy to be cute and have everybody like you. it's easy to dye your hair and please your mother. it's easy to be everything but what you really are. because you know you're a fucking horrible person. and you know you don't impact anyone's lives except to hurt them. and it's so hard to look that in the eye and see yourself how you really are. it hurts.
learn to do one thing right. learn that you're not important. because you're really not.
every time i'm low i think i've never been that low before. this time is no different, just like i say every time i feel like shit and i want to change my surface. lose weight, everything will be okay.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. THE BETTER I MAKE THE OUTSIDE THE WORSE THE INSIDE GETS. I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. i'm not getting anywhere.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. this isn't livejournal material, this isn't something people should be seeing. but why should i hide it? it's what i'm thinking right now.
i need to calm myself down.