Gratitude
Though I have plenty I rant
about throughout the year,
especially considering this
one, it's not at all with
no gratitude for all that
I have.
Gratitude
While there is so much wrong with the world,
let alone the US, if it weren't for all the
opportunities I've clawed my way to find,
I would not have all I do now.
Though the US seems to be tearing itself
apart, I try to be grateful for those
interactions which restore my faith.
And to those for whom I am grateful:
My wife, Danielle.
Though we had several bumps in the beginning of
our relationship, you have been just as committed
as I have in the last 9 years to making it work.
We've learned a lot from each other, found better jobs, manage a
house together, and now, support each other through parenthood.
Despite all the examples of relationships falling apart, and
all the nasty forums I lurk on to see just how horribly the
racial and gender equality battle is, it makes me all the
more grateful that neither of us are facing that situation
alone in 2020.
I am grateful that, after so many attempts to find a decent
and equal relationship, we built one together. And for that,
I am grateful to have never been subject to Tinder talks or
any form of dating in 2020 or post-MeToo, let alone Sacram-
ento (which apparently has a really horrible dating scene).
Thank you for being my wife, my best friend, and considering
me worthy enough to have a child with. Thank you for working
on your flaws, and enduring mine as I've worked on them.
Thank you for listening to me when it's important, and
being as supportive as you have all these years while
I've climbed my mountain toward success.
My Daughter, Lily
My sweet baby, though you're only 2 months old currently,
you've created a light and fullness in our lives which
I've never known before.
Though I don't have much faith in most humans, I strongly
believe that with all we provide to you, you will make
better choices than most of your peers. I have faith
that Gen-Alpha will do even more than Millennials
and Gen Z combined. I have faith that despite
the failures of the Boomers and Gen X that
the future your generation builds will
bring us back out of the dark.
I am proud of every head lift during tummy time,
every time you mimic sounds and get ever closer
to forming words, your delightful curiosity
when you look around every place you go,
and every extra ounce you drink and
weight you gain.
May the foundation we provide to you
be solid and encouraging to make the
most with what you have, and one day
may you look upon us with gratitude
we have justifiably earned from you.
My in-laws
Teresa
Though you can be trying with your emotional based reactions/drama,
chronic damsel-in-distress (you are a Pisces, after all), but also some
how the Boomer-thority on everything while shit-talking everyone, I
am grateful for how warm, thoughtful, and nurturing you have been
- especially since Lily was born. I am also grateful that though
you tried talking Danielle into bagging herself some rich guy
before I rejoined her here in CA due to your materialistic
Boomer-values, that eventually you came around to see I
had far more than golden handcuffs to offer Danielle
as a husband.
Mel
To my sister-in-law, I am sorry the world has often been so unkind to you.
Especially with the loss of, but also emancipation from, your alcoholic ex
boyfriend. No matter what has been thrown at you, you've fought even harder
to stay afloat. I can't imagine how difficult it has been to give up your
independence to leave your life of 11 years in San Francisco to live with
your mom next door - but it has been nice seeing you more often, enjoying
your delicious food cultivated from years of experience, and to generally
bond as siblings. You will rise again, sister, and you have just as much
right as us to find a good partner with whom you can start a family, and
I will be the best uncle your future children can hope for.
Mark
Though you have your tendencies to be a bit OCD and demanding when it comes
to having your way and generally being a Boomer-thority, I'm grateful that
you've been a much better father to me than my own ever could. When Danielle
and I were having rough times, and her mother wanted to play white knight
and see men as evil monsters (though it was Danielle who behaved poorly),
you stood up for me and mentioned how committed and caring I was about
Danielle. After coming as far as I have, I am grateful to see the look
of approval in your eyes that I one day hope to have when my daughter
finds the right partner.
My grandfather and family in Florida
Ronald / Dutch / Grandfather
Thank you for being really the only dad I had growing up. I'm grateful that
through me, you were able to have a do-over son who has made you proud. I'm
grateful for all you taught me; for teaching me German and giving me a good
cultural connection to fall on when facing Yankee rejection. I'm grateful
for all those times you took me to the shooting range, and bonded with me
over a common interest. And even though I never ended up joining the mil-
itary, I am grateful for your support the 3 years I was in JROTC.
I am grateful for your support when I first went to college. Even though I
never want to work in a kitchen again after 15 years in and out of the in-
dustry, I will always be grateful for the sense of accomplishment graduat-
ing has brought me, and how the education and work experience has stuck
with me all these years. It also currently serves me as I earn my degree
in Environmental Engineering. I am grateful for all you taught me about
managing my money and investing to make it grow. Though I hated it at
the time, I am grateful for you making me do yard work and various
house projects. To this day, I carry your knowledge to improve our
own property.
Though for the past year you have been slipping away, your memory
growing fainter to the point of even forgetting who we are, I will
always remember you, all you did for me though you didn't have to,
all that we shared, and will carry on the best of what you gave me
to your great-granddaughter. I can only hope once the COVID situat-
ion has passed, that we can visit you in Florida again, to introduce
you in person to Lily, and have one final good memory together before
the inevitable day comes when the last goodbye must be said.
"Griechischer Wein ist so wie das Blut der Erde.
Komm schenk dir ein,
Und wenn ich dann traurig werde,
liegt es daran,
Daß ich immer träume von daheim,
du mußt verzeihen.
Griechischer Wein und die alt vertrauten Lieder,
Schenk nochmal ein,
Denn ich fühl die Sehnsucht wieder,
in dieser Stadt,
Werd ich immer nur ein Fremder sein
und allein."
Aunt Karen
It has been 4 years since you passed way before your time.
My biggest regret is, though I did always thank you with words and
helping with chores, and our talks while watching The Golden Girls
just as we both had done with your mother, I regret not having been
able to really find the words to tell you just how grateful I was
for all you did for me while you were still alive. You were the
mother I should have had, and I can't begin to cry enough for
how much I wish you had had a much better life than you did.
I am grateful I was at least able to be a surrogate to the
son your first husband punched out of you, and to call you
"mom" on your deathbed, though I should have done it sooner.
You were beaten by two of the men you shared a large part of your
life with, and the one who was actually good to you, despite not
being so good to me, died on you way before his time. You gave
and gave and gave, despite how little love you were given,
even by your own father... but I assure you, he felt it
as you were lowered into your final resting place, on
top of your mother.
You above everyone else taught me to be brave no matter how much I was
beaten down or treated unfairly. You taught me how to never give up,
to work hard, what it really took to keep a house a warm and happy
home, because you always had one for me to go to no matter how
little you had. You taught me to always get back up no matter
how many times I had fallen. You shared your love and care
for cats with me - a gift I still cherish and continue to
this day, and it has made my life fuller and always
reminds me of you, even with every scoop of litter.
Most of all, I wish you were still with us to have met what you
would be proud to call your granddaughter. I could only imagine
how much happier your life could have been if you were still here
with us. I imagine you would have eventually left Pennsylvania,
and joined us here in the rural Sierra Nevada foothills, enjoy-
ing being a grandmother to our daughter, and all the western
fun the bar scene from Lake Tahoe to San Francisco had to
offer.
For you, I will dedicate my first book, and memorialize
your life as a character (hint - it's the main charac-
ter's mother).
Grandmother / Patricia
It's now been 14 years since we lost you to cancer, just like Karen.
Though you were coddled as a child, and that carried over to how you
treated RJ, on top of dropping him as a baby, and though you were
more fond of lies to maintain peace than the truth, I'll never
forget how much you took care of my brother and I.
You taught me how to do laundry, to clean, to cook, speak a little
French and share tidbits of the culture and family history, and
generally were always there for me, along with Karen, to take
me in every single time my parents failed. You had a great
deal of patience and thoughtfulness, and I'll always appr-
eciate the road trips you took me on to visit family all
over the country.
I know I'll miss you more when I have to clear out all the
things in the attic at the house in FL from boxes packed
with every little art project I made, both from school
and at home. I regret that you couldn't stay with us
long enough to see your great-granddaughter, but I
know you would be proud.
My Cousin Shelley
I am so grateful we've reconnected - even though I left FaceBook,
I'm glad we still keep in touch and send each other gifts.
Truth be told, apart from my wife, you have been my best friend
since we first met as babies thanks to my grandmother's afore-
mentioned road trips throughout our childhood. I still cherish
all those times together in Palm Coast, FL, Hickory, NC, and
of course your home in Alabama. Oh yeah, and Pittsburgh, PA,
and Kingman, AZ, and the cross-country trip that followed.
I regret that we haven't seen each other since 2006 when you
and Dustin visited me in Houston at the end of my college
program when student housing kicked you out... but fuck
them, they charged me twice as much for my education
than they should have.
I really look forward to one day reuniting, meeting your
husband Forrest, and having a pint and a bowl over a
game of Cards Against Humanity when we visit you in
Alabama, and one day having you both visit us here
in California.
RJ
I am really trying hard to think of something to
be grateful for, when it comes to my sperm donor.
Yes, I still struggle to call you my father, and
always will.
You are the very definition of wasted white male privilege.
You are the kind of man all women warn each other about. For
everything you were given, you never gave back - only excuses
when something was actually expected of you. You were a horr-
ible father, husband, son, brother, nephew, and even a horri-
ble friend. Though she did it, it was because of you that mom
abused my brother and I. You claim "getting us out of that bad
situation" as some heroic medal, but it is and was the least
you could do, and have ever done for us - throwing it in
our faces any time we didn't do something you wanted.
The truth is, though you've had a few moments to shine, the bulk of my time
living in the same house as you was spent avoiding you and generally inspired
me to be as unlike you as possible. RJ, you have always been a selfish man-child
who I can't even see as my father, let alone related to me. To be honest, every
time I had to move back in and you paraded me around like some huge accomplish-
ment, it made me want to do better in life because I didn't want to be anything
like you. You held me back so much with your entitled attitude and selfishly
motivated defiance of all authority when you know you did wrong. Because of
your lack of being a better father, I was even more determined to live as
far away from you (and Florida) as possible.
To this day, despite my justified disdain for authority, I found a way
to make more of myself than you ever have. While neither of us have
many friends, at least people don't get too close to me out of fear-
ful respect for my abilities and because I choose to live with a
smaller social circle, rather than because I'm a complete and
utter failure to be pitied like you.
This may sound cold, but though I've made peace with all the wrongs you've
done, I can't even imagine crying or being sad the day you shuffle off this
mortal coil. At least what little possessions you have will be given to my
brother - who you messed up way more than me; so much that he's just like
you... except he actually keeps working. Even whatever you plan to leave
to me will be given to him. I would say it's the least you can do, but
you know all too well about the least you can do for others.
The sooner each cigarette takes you to an early
grave, the better off everyone else will be.
"I'm growing so distant
Nothing makes sense to me anymore
I'm learning to resist
Becoming more than you ever were
Can't explain,
What's come over me
(come over me)
Can't explain,
Why it's so hard for me,
so hard to see your side
Projecting all my anger
I can't seem to get this through to you
The walls are closing in
I dare you to walk in my shoes..."
Sherry
You're my step-mother, but I've never felt a family bond to you. As far as I've
ever been concerned, though you have done a few actually well-intended things
like buying my daughter gifts for the baby shower and helped my grandfather
with the Zoom meetings, we all know the only reason you're in the family is
to mooch because you chose to give up on your own life, despite the fact you
were good at being a real estate secretary. Though my mother wasn't much
better, you had far less of a right to abuse my brother. If anything at
all, you're in the same boat as RJ in that you have served to motivate
me to be nothing like you, or settle for someone like you as a partner.
And, should you outlive RJ, little do you know, you're not getting
anything from my grandfather apart from a small relocation check
so the house can be sold. He saw through you the whole time.
My mother and brothers
It's been an odd relationship.
In much the same way as RJ and Sherry, I'm grateful to have had
a reason to go out into the world and find my own answers due to
the lack of your understanding or ability to provide a stable
home to grow up in. Yes, RJ did you wrong, but at some point,
you should have stopped yourself mid-punch/scratch/scream/
everything else you did to ask yourself if what you were
doing was right to take it out on us. You're lucky at
least one of your sons broke the cycle of abuse.
As an adult who can stand on my own, I'm grateful to have grown
the capacity to forgive and understand why you did the things
you did. Though you, mom, will never admit to what you did
beyond that one moment of clarity when you admitted the
abuse on the day of my high school graduation, I know
it was out of fear of never hearing from me again.
You still didn't hear from me for 16 years while I took
the time to find myself and find confidence in that I
would never repeat your behavior. Despite our past, I
am grateful to have reconnected. I am grateful for our
weekly video chats, for all the gifts and love you give
to our daughter. One day, when COVID is all over, I do
look forward to meeting in person for the first time
in nearly 18 years, and giving you the love and sup-
port you couldn't. To show you how it is done, but
also to help you mend at least some wounds and
restore some faith.
My brother Chris
I don't know if you'll ever grow out of being just like our dad.
I will do my best to support you as a brother, try to help you
find your way, but I make no guarantees, because that respons-
ibility rests on you to evolve. If I am able to help you, even
just a little, I will be grateful to have reconnected, and I
do look forward to giving you not only what little RJ leaves
for you, but possibly a little monetarily that I don't need
for my immediate family. More than anything, I just hope
you can one day find happiness and stability.
My half-brother Mark
What I regret most about distancing myself from our mother is missing out
on so many years with you. I know you're still angry, especially consider-
ing the bullshit you've experienced with most extended family, but I do
hope one day to become more of a brother to you, to help you embrace
your full potential. Because like me, you possess the curiosity and
intelligence to make way more of your life than Chris ever could.
Until then, please take to heart my words and gifts through
our mother until you're ready to become more.
My friends, past, present, and afar
To all the friends and acquaintances I met in high school,
college (first college, in Houston, TX), through clubbing,
through my travels, work colleagues, online gaming, and
all my language exchange partners:
Though many of you have come and gone (though it's most likely I was
the one constantly moving around), though our time was short in the
grand scheme, I'm grateful our paths crossed. Even though I walked
away from social media, it makes me no less grateful for our ex-
changes and memories.
I honestly can't think of anyone I keep in touch with from my
high school days. Even Sunny, who I did finally get back in
contact with, stopped replying to my messages, even when I
was only asking how he was. Mike... I hope he finds some
way to make more of his life rather than continue making
excuses while acting like he knows better than everyone
else. Everyone else from high school... I'm grateful
for our exchanges. I'm grateful for the more innoc-
ent time we grew up in before 9/11. Above all else,
I hope you've all found a decent life.
Thom, Thomas, and Dustin
I'll never forget the friendship we shared when we all met at 12 years old.
It was fun, and I'm grateful to have had the sleep-overs and teen-hood fun
memories we shared. It seems it wasn't meant to last into adulthood. We all
spread out (except Thom), and fulfilled our own destinies according to what
we put into it. Thomas and Dustin, though we disagree politically, I'm glad
to see you at least found happiness in your jobs and family life... and got
to escape Florida.
Thom...
Thom, Thom, Thom...
While I'm grateful we had a little longer together into our 20s, and at
times I do miss working on cars and playing D&D together, you chose the
horrible path of the misogynist chauvinistic Pick-Up-Artist and Men's
Rights Activism. You clearly took the Red Pill, but I just couldn't
follow that path to keep your misery company. Through the grapevine,
I've heard you actually got engaged once, but managed to fuck that
up, too. While especially now, with all I've built, I couldn't
imagine reconnecting (because I know what jealousy does to you),
but I do hope you one day can put aside your biases and truly
work on yourself instead of continue to posture with emptiness
and entitlement.
Luis and Nikki
You've been as much a friend to me as you have to Danielle.
Despite our differences in how we live our lives,
you have been there for us, and us there for you.
You are the only friends we, well, USED to see
regularly until COVID. We always have a fun
time hanging out with you, and it would be
really nice to see you again.
I am proud of how far you've both come,
and can only hope more success and hap-
piness awaits you in the years to come.
Maia & Michelle
I'm grateful how we survived OLS together.
Though we only hung out a little outside
of work, I'm glad you're my friends. Maia,
sometimes I don't know where we stand, as
we don't talk as much, but I hope you are
doing alright, and making peace with all
the bullshit you put up with.
Michelle - I really hope we can meet up
again and introduce our 2020 babies to
each other (who both happen to be named
Lillian lol).
To all my ex's
Two of which live in Texas...
On the one hand, I'm sad we couldn't maintain a friendship
after it didn't work out. On the other, I'm glad I moved on.
For all the rejection, betrayal, incompatibility, and all other
experiences we shared, I learned a lot from you all, and even
more, you motivated me to not settle for a life I'd never have
been happy with. Because of all of you, I learned about my
flaws, worked on them, challenged myself to be a better
partner, and eventually found someone in whom there
was a little bit of the best of each of you, while
being her own person.
Funny thing is, until I left FaceBook back in October, I actually
kept in touch with friends I shared benefits with. I am just as
grateful to them - not just for the physical good times, but
being able to not make it weird when we moved on to other
people. To have continued being friends. In that way, it
was a little better than a relationship which had to end,
but I hope all my ex's did eventually find someone more
compatible, no matter how badly things may have ended
between us. I can only hope I left you better than
how I found you.
College
I don't keep in touch with anyone I went to college with.
Then again, I didn't make many friends in Houston. I am
no less grateful for the fun times and memories we did
share, even if we haven't spoken since 2006 when we
all graduated. Again, I hope you all found a decent
life waiting for you after college.
To all the friends I met while clubbing in the Goth scene:
Thank you for everything, really. Thank you for seeing me as more than just
some fresh 18 year old out of high school. For treating me like an adult,
taking me under your wing, introducing me to different ways to have fun,
for all the floggings and *ahem* other engagements. Because of all of you,
I do the same when possible - to befriend people of all ages, especially
younger than me. To show them the world isn't so scary, and that there's
so much adventure to be had. Thank you for providing me a scene where we
respected genders no matter how different from ours, for showing me that
despite our personal disputes, that we can all come together to protect
each other from annoying yuppies who invaded our space on the dance
floor. And last but not least, for all the birthday drinks and
spanks lol, and memories between IBar, The Haven, The Castle,
Cairo, The Church, Milk Bar, and various other clubs.
Despite not being into the scene for almost a decade, I'll
always have my Goth card, and never forget the benefits
of wearing black:
"Enjoy your body.
Better yet, enjoy someone else's.
Use it every way you can, and don't be afraid
of what other people think you're doing.
They're just going to go home and
spank their monkeys anyway."
To all my online gaming friends
I'll never forget the one main group of adventurers I played with when I started
as Alliance on World of WarCraft. Shan, Dah, Uth, and Hol. We had some really fun
times, nearly dying in dungeons, questing and being patient to stop when Hol had
to mine every ore node we came across, and of course every time Shan tried to run
from me when my Warlock told the "Ruler of the Bracelets" joke, or give me a big
bear butt lol. At the end of the day, we threw back a few digital pints at the
Tavern in the Hinterlands, and logged off with the sense of having a great
adventure. I may have enjoyed playing a Horde character in the later years,
but it never had as much charm as our Ally group.
To all my language exchange partners
Ezgi, Nizami, Fatima, Nikola, Figen, Claire, Christian, Jun Okada,
Alex, Nadine, and all others I've engaged with - Thank you for our
exchange, no matter how brief or far apart. Whether sharing a little
or a lot, meeting in person, or strictly online, you've been integral
in reshaping my world and helping me to always seek the bigger picture,
while challenging myself to learn more and open my heart to differences.
I sincerely hope that even if some of us don't speak anymore, that
you will one day forgive my country for its willful ignorant arr-
ogance and entitlement - but only when we've truly earned it af-
ter making an effort to show we can do much better. Respect
goes both ways, and I can only hope you remember that not
all of us are willfully ignorant trash; that at least I
have shown you there are some Yankees who have empathy,
an open mind, and interested in a genuinely and honest
exchange to better connect our fractured world.
"All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and life
Je sais les douleurs et les doutes
Oh, partir et ce qu'on redoute
Oh, si
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good, même si tout va si mal
Femmes au soleil quand la nuit nous accable
Oh, pour un jour croire aux dieux, croire aux fables
Focus on everything better today
Crier la vie quand tout autour se tais
Hold on to people, they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away..."
about throughout the year,
especially considering this
one, it's not at all with
no gratitude for all that
I have.
Gratitude
While there is so much wrong with the world,
let alone the US, if it weren't for all the
opportunities I've clawed my way to find,
I would not have all I do now.
Though the US seems to be tearing itself
apart, I try to be grateful for those
interactions which restore my faith.
And to those for whom I am grateful:
My wife, Danielle.
Though we had several bumps in the beginning of
our relationship, you have been just as committed
as I have in the last 9 years to making it work.
We've learned a lot from each other, found better jobs, manage a
house together, and now, support each other through parenthood.
Despite all the examples of relationships falling apart, and
all the nasty forums I lurk on to see just how horribly the
racial and gender equality battle is, it makes me all the
more grateful that neither of us are facing that situation
alone in 2020.
I am grateful that, after so many attempts to find a decent
and equal relationship, we built one together. And for that,
I am grateful to have never been subject to Tinder talks or
any form of dating in 2020 or post-MeToo, let alone Sacram-
ento (which apparently has a really horrible dating scene).
Thank you for being my wife, my best friend, and considering
me worthy enough to have a child with. Thank you for working
on your flaws, and enduring mine as I've worked on them.
Thank you for listening to me when it's important, and
being as supportive as you have all these years while
I've climbed my mountain toward success.
My Daughter, Lily
My sweet baby, though you're only 2 months old currently,
you've created a light and fullness in our lives which
I've never known before.
Though I don't have much faith in most humans, I strongly
believe that with all we provide to you, you will make
better choices than most of your peers. I have faith
that Gen-Alpha will do even more than Millennials
and Gen Z combined. I have faith that despite
the failures of the Boomers and Gen X that
the future your generation builds will
bring us back out of the dark.
I am proud of every head lift during tummy time,
every time you mimic sounds and get ever closer
to forming words, your delightful curiosity
when you look around every place you go,
and every extra ounce you drink and
weight you gain.
May the foundation we provide to you
be solid and encouraging to make the
most with what you have, and one day
may you look upon us with gratitude
we have justifiably earned from you.
My in-laws
Teresa
Though you can be trying with your emotional based reactions/drama,
chronic damsel-in-distress (you are a Pisces, after all), but also some
how the Boomer-thority on everything while shit-talking everyone, I
am grateful for how warm, thoughtful, and nurturing you have been
- especially since Lily was born. I am also grateful that though
you tried talking Danielle into bagging herself some rich guy
before I rejoined her here in CA due to your materialistic
Boomer-values, that eventually you came around to see I
had far more than golden handcuffs to offer Danielle
as a husband.
Mel
To my sister-in-law, I am sorry the world has often been so unkind to you.
Especially with the loss of, but also emancipation from, your alcoholic ex
boyfriend. No matter what has been thrown at you, you've fought even harder
to stay afloat. I can't imagine how difficult it has been to give up your
independence to leave your life of 11 years in San Francisco to live with
your mom next door - but it has been nice seeing you more often, enjoying
your delicious food cultivated from years of experience, and to generally
bond as siblings. You will rise again, sister, and you have just as much
right as us to find a good partner with whom you can start a family, and
I will be the best uncle your future children can hope for.
Mark
Though you have your tendencies to be a bit OCD and demanding when it comes
to having your way and generally being a Boomer-thority, I'm grateful that
you've been a much better father to me than my own ever could. When Danielle
and I were having rough times, and her mother wanted to play white knight
and see men as evil monsters (though it was Danielle who behaved poorly),
you stood up for me and mentioned how committed and caring I was about
Danielle. After coming as far as I have, I am grateful to see the look
of approval in your eyes that I one day hope to have when my daughter
finds the right partner.
My grandfather and family in Florida
Ronald / Dutch / Grandfather
Thank you for being really the only dad I had growing up. I'm grateful that
through me, you were able to have a do-over son who has made you proud. I'm
grateful for all you taught me; for teaching me German and giving me a good
cultural connection to fall on when facing Yankee rejection. I'm grateful
for all those times you took me to the shooting range, and bonded with me
over a common interest. And even though I never ended up joining the mil-
itary, I am grateful for your support the 3 years I was in JROTC.
I am grateful for your support when I first went to college. Even though I
never want to work in a kitchen again after 15 years in and out of the in-
dustry, I will always be grateful for the sense of accomplishment graduat-
ing has brought me, and how the education and work experience has stuck
with me all these years. It also currently serves me as I earn my degree
in Environmental Engineering. I am grateful for all you taught me about
managing my money and investing to make it grow. Though I hated it at
the time, I am grateful for you making me do yard work and various
house projects. To this day, I carry your knowledge to improve our
own property.
Though for the past year you have been slipping away, your memory
growing fainter to the point of even forgetting who we are, I will
always remember you, all you did for me though you didn't have to,
all that we shared, and will carry on the best of what you gave me
to your great-granddaughter. I can only hope once the COVID situat-
ion has passed, that we can visit you in Florida again, to introduce
you in person to Lily, and have one final good memory together before
the inevitable day comes when the last goodbye must be said.
"Griechischer Wein ist so wie das Blut der Erde.
Komm schenk dir ein,
Und wenn ich dann traurig werde,
liegt es daran,
Daß ich immer träume von daheim,
du mußt verzeihen.
Griechischer Wein und die alt vertrauten Lieder,
Schenk nochmal ein,
Denn ich fühl die Sehnsucht wieder,
in dieser Stadt,
Werd ich immer nur ein Fremder sein
und allein."
Click to viewAunt Karen
It has been 4 years since you passed way before your time.
My biggest regret is, though I did always thank you with words and
helping with chores, and our talks while watching The Golden Girls
just as we both had done with your mother, I regret not having been
able to really find the words to tell you just how grateful I was
for all you did for me while you were still alive. You were the
mother I should have had, and I can't begin to cry enough for
how much I wish you had had a much better life than you did.
I am grateful I was at least able to be a surrogate to the
son your first husband punched out of you, and to call you
"mom" on your deathbed, though I should have done it sooner.
You were beaten by two of the men you shared a large part of your
life with, and the one who was actually good to you, despite not
being so good to me, died on you way before his time. You gave
and gave and gave, despite how little love you were given,
even by your own father... but I assure you, he felt it
as you were lowered into your final resting place, on
top of your mother.
You above everyone else taught me to be brave no matter how much I was
beaten down or treated unfairly. You taught me how to never give up,
to work hard, what it really took to keep a house a warm and happy
home, because you always had one for me to go to no matter how
little you had. You taught me to always get back up no matter
how many times I had fallen. You shared your love and care
for cats with me - a gift I still cherish and continue to
this day, and it has made my life fuller and always
reminds me of you, even with every scoop of litter.
Most of all, I wish you were still with us to have met what you
would be proud to call your granddaughter. I could only imagine
how much happier your life could have been if you were still here
with us. I imagine you would have eventually left Pennsylvania,
and joined us here in the rural Sierra Nevada foothills, enjoy-
ing being a grandmother to our daughter, and all the western
fun the bar scene from Lake Tahoe to San Francisco had to
offer.
For you, I will dedicate my first book, and memorialize
your life as a character (hint - it's the main charac-
ter's mother).
Grandmother / Patricia
It's now been 14 years since we lost you to cancer, just like Karen.
Though you were coddled as a child, and that carried over to how you
treated RJ, on top of dropping him as a baby, and though you were
more fond of lies to maintain peace than the truth, I'll never
forget how much you took care of my brother and I.
You taught me how to do laundry, to clean, to cook, speak a little
French and share tidbits of the culture and family history, and
generally were always there for me, along with Karen, to take
me in every single time my parents failed. You had a great
deal of patience and thoughtfulness, and I'll always appr-
eciate the road trips you took me on to visit family all
over the country.
I know I'll miss you more when I have to clear out all the
things in the attic at the house in FL from boxes packed
with every little art project I made, both from school
and at home. I regret that you couldn't stay with us
long enough to see your great-granddaughter, but I
know you would be proud.
My Cousin Shelley
I am so grateful we've reconnected - even though I left FaceBook,
I'm glad we still keep in touch and send each other gifts.
Truth be told, apart from my wife, you have been my best friend
since we first met as babies thanks to my grandmother's afore-
mentioned road trips throughout our childhood. I still cherish
all those times together in Palm Coast, FL, Hickory, NC, and
of course your home in Alabama. Oh yeah, and Pittsburgh, PA,
and Kingman, AZ, and the cross-country trip that followed.
I regret that we haven't seen each other since 2006 when you
and Dustin visited me in Houston at the end of my college
program when student housing kicked you out... but fuck
them, they charged me twice as much for my education
than they should have.
I really look forward to one day reuniting, meeting your
husband Forrest, and having a pint and a bowl over a
game of Cards Against Humanity when we visit you in
Alabama, and one day having you both visit us here
in California.
RJ
I am really trying hard to think of something to
be grateful for, when it comes to my sperm donor.
Yes, I still struggle to call you my father, and
always will.
You are the very definition of wasted white male privilege.
You are the kind of man all women warn each other about. For
everything you were given, you never gave back - only excuses
when something was actually expected of you. You were a horr-
ible father, husband, son, brother, nephew, and even a horri-
ble friend. Though she did it, it was because of you that mom
abused my brother and I. You claim "getting us out of that bad
situation" as some heroic medal, but it is and was the least
you could do, and have ever done for us - throwing it in
our faces any time we didn't do something you wanted.
The truth is, though you've had a few moments to shine, the bulk of my time
living in the same house as you was spent avoiding you and generally inspired
me to be as unlike you as possible. RJ, you have always been a selfish man-child
who I can't even see as my father, let alone related to me. To be honest, every
time I had to move back in and you paraded me around like some huge accomplish-
ment, it made me want to do better in life because I didn't want to be anything
like you. You held me back so much with your entitled attitude and selfishly
motivated defiance of all authority when you know you did wrong. Because of
your lack of being a better father, I was even more determined to live as
far away from you (and Florida) as possible.
To this day, despite my justified disdain for authority, I found a way
to make more of myself than you ever have. While neither of us have
many friends, at least people don't get too close to me out of fear-
ful respect for my abilities and because I choose to live with a
smaller social circle, rather than because I'm a complete and
utter failure to be pitied like you.
This may sound cold, but though I've made peace with all the wrongs you've
done, I can't even imagine crying or being sad the day you shuffle off this
mortal coil. At least what little possessions you have will be given to my
brother - who you messed up way more than me; so much that he's just like
you... except he actually keeps working. Even whatever you plan to leave
to me will be given to him. I would say it's the least you can do, but
you know all too well about the least you can do for others.
The sooner each cigarette takes you to an early
grave, the better off everyone else will be.
"I'm growing so distant
Nothing makes sense to me anymore
I'm learning to resist
Becoming more than you ever were
Can't explain,
What's come over me
(come over me)
Can't explain,
Why it's so hard for me,
so hard to see your side
Projecting all my anger
I can't seem to get this through to you
The walls are closing in
I dare you to walk in my shoes..."
Sherry
You're my step-mother, but I've never felt a family bond to you. As far as I've
ever been concerned, though you have done a few actually well-intended things
like buying my daughter gifts for the baby shower and helped my grandfather
with the Zoom meetings, we all know the only reason you're in the family is
to mooch because you chose to give up on your own life, despite the fact you
were good at being a real estate secretary. Though my mother wasn't much
better, you had far less of a right to abuse my brother. If anything at
all, you're in the same boat as RJ in that you have served to motivate
me to be nothing like you, or settle for someone like you as a partner.
And, should you outlive RJ, little do you know, you're not getting
anything from my grandfather apart from a small relocation check
so the house can be sold. He saw through you the whole time.
My mother and brothers
It's been an odd relationship.
In much the same way as RJ and Sherry, I'm grateful to have had
a reason to go out into the world and find my own answers due to
the lack of your understanding or ability to provide a stable
home to grow up in. Yes, RJ did you wrong, but at some point,
you should have stopped yourself mid-punch/scratch/scream/
everything else you did to ask yourself if what you were
doing was right to take it out on us. You're lucky at
least one of your sons broke the cycle of abuse.
As an adult who can stand on my own, I'm grateful to have grown
the capacity to forgive and understand why you did the things
you did. Though you, mom, will never admit to what you did
beyond that one moment of clarity when you admitted the
abuse on the day of my high school graduation, I know
it was out of fear of never hearing from me again.
You still didn't hear from me for 16 years while I took
the time to find myself and find confidence in that I
would never repeat your behavior. Despite our past, I
am grateful to have reconnected. I am grateful for our
weekly video chats, for all the gifts and love you give
to our daughter. One day, when COVID is all over, I do
look forward to meeting in person for the first time
in nearly 18 years, and giving you the love and sup-
port you couldn't. To show you how it is done, but
also to help you mend at least some wounds and
restore some faith.
My brother Chris
I don't know if you'll ever grow out of being just like our dad.
I will do my best to support you as a brother, try to help you
find your way, but I make no guarantees, because that respons-
ibility rests on you to evolve. If I am able to help you, even
just a little, I will be grateful to have reconnected, and I
do look forward to giving you not only what little RJ leaves
for you, but possibly a little monetarily that I don't need
for my immediate family. More than anything, I just hope
you can one day find happiness and stability.
My half-brother Mark
What I regret most about distancing myself from our mother is missing out
on so many years with you. I know you're still angry, especially consider-
ing the bullshit you've experienced with most extended family, but I do
hope one day to become more of a brother to you, to help you embrace
your full potential. Because like me, you possess the curiosity and
intelligence to make way more of your life than Chris ever could.
Until then, please take to heart my words and gifts through
our mother until you're ready to become more.
My friends, past, present, and afar
To all the friends and acquaintances I met in high school,
college (first college, in Houston, TX), through clubbing,
through my travels, work colleagues, online gaming, and
all my language exchange partners:
Though many of you have come and gone (though it's most likely I was
the one constantly moving around), though our time was short in the
grand scheme, I'm grateful our paths crossed. Even though I walked
away from social media, it makes me no less grateful for our ex-
changes and memories.
I honestly can't think of anyone I keep in touch with from my
high school days. Even Sunny, who I did finally get back in
contact with, stopped replying to my messages, even when I
was only asking how he was. Mike... I hope he finds some
way to make more of his life rather than continue making
excuses while acting like he knows better than everyone
else. Everyone else from high school... I'm grateful
for our exchanges. I'm grateful for the more innoc-
ent time we grew up in before 9/11. Above all else,
I hope you've all found a decent life.
Thom, Thomas, and Dustin
I'll never forget the friendship we shared when we all met at 12 years old.
It was fun, and I'm grateful to have had the sleep-overs and teen-hood fun
memories we shared. It seems it wasn't meant to last into adulthood. We all
spread out (except Thom), and fulfilled our own destinies according to what
we put into it. Thomas and Dustin, though we disagree politically, I'm glad
to see you at least found happiness in your jobs and family life... and got
to escape Florida.
Thom...
Thom, Thom, Thom...
While I'm grateful we had a little longer together into our 20s, and at
times I do miss working on cars and playing D&D together, you chose the
horrible path of the misogynist chauvinistic Pick-Up-Artist and Men's
Rights Activism. You clearly took the Red Pill, but I just couldn't
follow that path to keep your misery company. Through the grapevine,
I've heard you actually got engaged once, but managed to fuck that
up, too. While especially now, with all I've built, I couldn't
imagine reconnecting (because I know what jealousy does to you),
but I do hope you one day can put aside your biases and truly
work on yourself instead of continue to posture with emptiness
and entitlement.
Luis and Nikki
You've been as much a friend to me as you have to Danielle.
Despite our differences in how we live our lives,
you have been there for us, and us there for you.
You are the only friends we, well, USED to see
regularly until COVID. We always have a fun
time hanging out with you, and it would be
really nice to see you again.
I am proud of how far you've both come,
and can only hope more success and hap-
piness awaits you in the years to come.
Maia & Michelle
I'm grateful how we survived OLS together.
Though we only hung out a little outside
of work, I'm glad you're my friends. Maia,
sometimes I don't know where we stand, as
we don't talk as much, but I hope you are
doing alright, and making peace with all
the bullshit you put up with.
Michelle - I really hope we can meet up
again and introduce our 2020 babies to
each other (who both happen to be named
Lillian lol).
To all my ex's
Two of which live in Texas...
On the one hand, I'm sad we couldn't maintain a friendship
after it didn't work out. On the other, I'm glad I moved on.
For all the rejection, betrayal, incompatibility, and all other
experiences we shared, I learned a lot from you all, and even
more, you motivated me to not settle for a life I'd never have
been happy with. Because of all of you, I learned about my
flaws, worked on them, challenged myself to be a better
partner, and eventually found someone in whom there
was a little bit of the best of each of you, while
being her own person.
Funny thing is, until I left FaceBook back in October, I actually
kept in touch with friends I shared benefits with. I am just as
grateful to them - not just for the physical good times, but
being able to not make it weird when we moved on to other
people. To have continued being friends. In that way, it
was a little better than a relationship which had to end,
but I hope all my ex's did eventually find someone more
compatible, no matter how badly things may have ended
between us. I can only hope I left you better than
how I found you.
College
I don't keep in touch with anyone I went to college with.
Then again, I didn't make many friends in Houston. I am
no less grateful for the fun times and memories we did
share, even if we haven't spoken since 2006 when we
all graduated. Again, I hope you all found a decent
life waiting for you after college.
To all the friends I met while clubbing in the Goth scene:
Thank you for everything, really. Thank you for seeing me as more than just
some fresh 18 year old out of high school. For treating me like an adult,
taking me under your wing, introducing me to different ways to have fun,
for all the floggings and *ahem* other engagements. Because of all of you,
I do the same when possible - to befriend people of all ages, especially
younger than me. To show them the world isn't so scary, and that there's
so much adventure to be had. Thank you for providing me a scene where we
respected genders no matter how different from ours, for showing me that
despite our personal disputes, that we can all come together to protect
each other from annoying yuppies who invaded our space on the dance
floor. And last but not least, for all the birthday drinks and
spanks lol, and memories between IBar, The Haven, The Castle,
Cairo, The Church, Milk Bar, and various other clubs.
Despite not being into the scene for almost a decade, I'll
always have my Goth card, and never forget the benefits
of wearing black:
"Enjoy your body.
Better yet, enjoy someone else's.
Use it every way you can, and don't be afraid
of what other people think you're doing.
They're just going to go home and
spank their monkeys anyway."
To all my online gaming friends
I'll never forget the one main group of adventurers I played with when I started
as Alliance on World of WarCraft. Shan, Dah, Uth, and Hol. We had some really fun
times, nearly dying in dungeons, questing and being patient to stop when Hol had
to mine every ore node we came across, and of course every time Shan tried to run
from me when my Warlock told the "Ruler of the Bracelets" joke, or give me a big
bear butt lol. At the end of the day, we threw back a few digital pints at the
Tavern in the Hinterlands, and logged off with the sense of having a great
adventure. I may have enjoyed playing a Horde character in the later years,
but it never had as much charm as our Ally group.
To all my language exchange partners
Ezgi, Nizami, Fatima, Nikola, Figen, Claire, Christian, Jun Okada,
Alex, Nadine, and all others I've engaged with - Thank you for our
exchange, no matter how brief or far apart. Whether sharing a little
or a lot, meeting in person, or strictly online, you've been integral
in reshaping my world and helping me to always seek the bigger picture,
while challenging myself to learn more and open my heart to differences.
I sincerely hope that even if some of us don't speak anymore, that
you will one day forgive my country for its willful ignorant arr-
ogance and entitlement - but only when we've truly earned it af-
ter making an effort to show we can do much better. Respect
goes both ways, and I can only hope you remember that not
all of us are willfully ignorant trash; that at least I
have shown you there are some Yankees who have empathy,
an open mind, and interested in a genuinely and honest
exchange to better connect our fractured world.
"All that we needed tonight
Are people who love us and life
Je sais les douleurs et les doutes
Oh, partir et ce qu'on redoute
Oh, si
Open to everything happy and sad
Seeing the good, même si tout va si mal
Femmes au soleil quand la nuit nous accable
Oh, pour un jour croire aux dieux, croire aux fables
Focus on everything better today
Crier la vie quand tout autour se tais
Hold on to people, they're slipping away
Hold on to this while it's slipping away..."