Truly Introspective
It seems the closer I get to 30,
the more changes I am experiencing...
for the better. Not the delusional
better; the actual, proven better.
I have been posting a lot lately about messages
of forgiveness and letting go of the past. Well,
my readers, it's all because I must admit I have
finally accepted Jesus into my heart.
............
NAH!!! :P
Look, I respect if your religion does that for
you, but let's be real here, I'm never going to
become a Jesus freak lol. I have always found
my own way, but I do highly respect the more
spiritual path and the virtues it can give us
in times of strength and weakness.
When I speak of forgiveness, it's not going to
be because I am suddenly confiding in an invisible,
personified holy concept that is simply an extension
of ourselves when we can't face ourselves directly,
so we tell ourselves we're working in the spirit and
name of whatever creationist deity/messiah we believe
in.
I, on the other hand, took the more literal route.
Yesterday I met up with two people I used to work
with at Publix. One of which I once had a lot of
negative things to say about here in LJ. We actually
had a good time, even if it was just dinner and a
walk together. I know they had some fondness for me
back in the day, but could really tell that they
were very shocked to see how calm and kind I have
become... especially lacking in bitterness.
They confessed something I kind of already knew -
that everyone else I worked with absolutely couldn't
stand working with me. And they had every right to
feel that way. I hated my job, I was going through
a lot of betrayal, I hated where I lived, and I
took it out on those who never did anything against
me.
Not only what I was going through at the time, but a
long history of something I think everyone could tell
from my entries - that I have almost always had a
miserable and lonely life. A lot of it by my doing,
though that is a result of something I should have
overcome a long time ago. I've often spoke of how
much pride I had in not becoming abusive, despite
enduring a lot from my mother, or from those I have
trusted most.
I may have been treated unfairly, but unfortunately
it took me too long to realize I didn't have to let
that poison stick around, only to be given to others.
Where I once came off as an MRA (Men's Rights Activist)
when complaining about what women have put me through,
that was never the case at all. If anything, I was more
an SRA (Self Rights Activist), because to be honest, I
felt betrayed by both genders all my life. Men are just
as cut-throat as women. Which is why I have always come
off as so resentful... because for the longest time, I
had no one to confide in... at all... or I believed I
had no one because I pushed everyone away... accusing
them of being these horrible people, when it was in
actuality, my fear of being hurt again by trusting
anyone.
That's why I so often identify from the X-Men character
Magneto/Erik Lehnscher (especially how he was depicted
in X-Men : First Class, played by Michael Fassbender).
All he had was the rage and pain... it wasn't until he
met Charles Xavier that he was reminded there are still
bright spots in his mind and heart, and when combined
with the pain and rage, you reach a serenity; a point
between the two, that, when channeled and balanced just
right, can help you master and become more powerful than
you ever could have imagined.
Danielle M. is the Charles Xavier to my Erik Lehnscher/Magneto.
It is a very complicated relationship she and I currently
share... but after the speed bumps, we have realized a
co-completion we never thought possible. We now relish in
exchanges with each other, even though we're currently
2,000 miles apart, and hoping that once I join the Navy,
I get a job assignment in California. I want to be there
anyway, having not given up on my dream of a life in the
west, but accepting that Colorado is not right for either
of us. I am not blindly chasing the idea of someone... I
am doing this for myself first, and with the hope she
and I can work something out.
Anyway...
So, a thank you to Vinay and Jess for helping me realize
even more just how far I've come. I won't stop there,
though... I am far from truly complete, solid, and one
with myself. I am glad I could show them the power of
transformation and to help them have as good a time
as I was having hanging out with them.
At this point, however, while it's too late to repair
the damage that has been done, I actually feel like I
could even forgive most of the ex's I have had such
bad experiences with. I can acknowledge that both were
hurting and took it out on each other, or were simply
incompatible, and the chaos was what resulted.
I still don't think it would be a good idea to get
back in touch with most of them, if any at all, but
I would be happy to, in some way, let them know I
forgive them for what they did, and apologize for
what I did in response, and to apologize to those
who I hurt more because of what all the others had
done to me.
Rather than continue to hold on to the pain from
my bad experiences, I can now simply let go of it,
and when I think of them (ex g/f's and ex friends),
while I try to see their better qualities, I can't
help but now feel pity for how lost they are, and
wish them simply to find their way when they are
ready, just as I am finally beginning to.
There is a vast difference between knowledge and
experience for a strong reason. You may think you
know and understand something... but when you then
learn it through experience, it truly is absorbed
in a whole new way and changes your life. And even
further refined as you take what you know from your
experiences, and test it, time and again and again,
and just when you think you know and feel something,
it changes when you feel it in a different light.
Only then do you truly find your way...
when you realize something in its entirety, are
humbled by it, open your eyes, begin to admit
your faults, recognize what you need to change,
finally let go of the past, stop feeling the
world owes you something, and can finally,
and simply, be who you are.
For some of us, it may be simpler.
Some of us have simple goals (marriage, children,
good enough income, settling down, the end), and
others, like myself, who want to experience all
there is to life, to question, to learn, to
expand, to experience all the world has to
offer, who go through trials and tribulations
until I am convinced I have found what it is
I am looking for... well, that's me.
Neither is right or wrong, and we can't waste
our time trying to convince others that our
vision is the only way. We all have our
unique missions in life.
I am glad I have reached this
point... and I hope that no
matter what pain may await
me in the future, I never
look back to my old ways.
I look forward to making
the very most of the next
decade of my adult life,
and all the years to follow,
and to never again take for
granted the love of those I
find reciprocally worthy
that I share it with, and
to not waste any time or
emotion on those who I
know I simply need to
let go, without feeling
I am owed something that
I will never get anyway.
the more changes I am experiencing...
for the better. Not the delusional
better; the actual, proven better.
I have been posting a lot lately about messages
of forgiveness and letting go of the past. Well,
my readers, it's all because I must admit I have
finally accepted Jesus into my heart.
............
NAH!!! :P
Look, I respect if your religion does that for
you, but let's be real here, I'm never going to
become a Jesus freak lol. I have always found
my own way, but I do highly respect the more
spiritual path and the virtues it can give us
in times of strength and weakness.
When I speak of forgiveness, it's not going to
be because I am suddenly confiding in an invisible,
personified holy concept that is simply an extension
of ourselves when we can't face ourselves directly,
so we tell ourselves we're working in the spirit and
name of whatever creationist deity/messiah we believe
in.
I, on the other hand, took the more literal route.
Yesterday I met up with two people I used to work
with at Publix. One of which I once had a lot of
negative things to say about here in LJ. We actually
had a good time, even if it was just dinner and a
walk together. I know they had some fondness for me
back in the day, but could really tell that they
were very shocked to see how calm and kind I have
become... especially lacking in bitterness.
They confessed something I kind of already knew -
that everyone else I worked with absolutely couldn't
stand working with me. And they had every right to
feel that way. I hated my job, I was going through
a lot of betrayal, I hated where I lived, and I
took it out on those who never did anything against
me.
Not only what I was going through at the time, but a
long history of something I think everyone could tell
from my entries - that I have almost always had a
miserable and lonely life. A lot of it by my doing,
though that is a result of something I should have
overcome a long time ago. I've often spoke of how
much pride I had in not becoming abusive, despite
enduring a lot from my mother, or from those I have
trusted most.
I may have been treated unfairly, but unfortunately
it took me too long to realize I didn't have to let
that poison stick around, only to be given to others.
Where I once came off as an MRA (Men's Rights Activist)
when complaining about what women have put me through,
that was never the case at all. If anything, I was more
an SRA (Self Rights Activist), because to be honest, I
felt betrayed by both genders all my life. Men are just
as cut-throat as women. Which is why I have always come
off as so resentful... because for the longest time, I
had no one to confide in... at all... or I believed I
had no one because I pushed everyone away... accusing
them of being these horrible people, when it was in
actuality, my fear of being hurt again by trusting
anyone.
That's why I so often identify from the X-Men character
Magneto/Erik Lehnscher (especially how he was depicted
in X-Men : First Class, played by Michael Fassbender).
All he had was the rage and pain... it wasn't until he
met Charles Xavier that he was reminded there are still
bright spots in his mind and heart, and when combined
with the pain and rage, you reach a serenity; a point
between the two, that, when channeled and balanced just
right, can help you master and become more powerful than
you ever could have imagined.
Danielle M. is the Charles Xavier to my Erik Lehnscher/Magneto.
It is a very complicated relationship she and I currently
share... but after the speed bumps, we have realized a
co-completion we never thought possible. We now relish in
exchanges with each other, even though we're currently
2,000 miles apart, and hoping that once I join the Navy,
I get a job assignment in California. I want to be there
anyway, having not given up on my dream of a life in the
west, but accepting that Colorado is not right for either
of us. I am not blindly chasing the idea of someone... I
am doing this for myself first, and with the hope she
and I can work something out.
Anyway...
So, a thank you to Vinay and Jess for helping me realize
even more just how far I've come. I won't stop there,
though... I am far from truly complete, solid, and one
with myself. I am glad I could show them the power of
transformation and to help them have as good a time
as I was having hanging out with them.
At this point, however, while it's too late to repair
the damage that has been done, I actually feel like I
could even forgive most of the ex's I have had such
bad experiences with. I can acknowledge that both were
hurting and took it out on each other, or were simply
incompatible, and the chaos was what resulted.
I still don't think it would be a good idea to get
back in touch with most of them, if any at all, but
I would be happy to, in some way, let them know I
forgive them for what they did, and apologize for
what I did in response, and to apologize to those
who I hurt more because of what all the others had
done to me.
Rather than continue to hold on to the pain from
my bad experiences, I can now simply let go of it,
and when I think of them (ex g/f's and ex friends),
while I try to see their better qualities, I can't
help but now feel pity for how lost they are, and
wish them simply to find their way when they are
ready, just as I am finally beginning to.
There is a vast difference between knowledge and
experience for a strong reason. You may think you
know and understand something... but when you then
learn it through experience, it truly is absorbed
in a whole new way and changes your life. And even
further refined as you take what you know from your
experiences, and test it, time and again and again,
and just when you think you know and feel something,
it changes when you feel it in a different light.
Only then do you truly find your way...
when you realize something in its entirety, are
humbled by it, open your eyes, begin to admit
your faults, recognize what you need to change,
finally let go of the past, stop feeling the
world owes you something, and can finally,
and simply, be who you are.
For some of us, it may be simpler.
Some of us have simple goals (marriage, children,
good enough income, settling down, the end), and
others, like myself, who want to experience all
there is to life, to question, to learn, to
expand, to experience all the world has to
offer, who go through trials and tribulations
until I am convinced I have found what it is
I am looking for... well, that's me.
Neither is right or wrong, and we can't waste
our time trying to convince others that our
vision is the only way. We all have our
unique missions in life.
I am glad I have reached this
point... and I hope that no
matter what pain may await
me in the future, I never
look back to my old ways.
I look forward to making
the very most of the next
decade of my adult life,
and all the years to follow,
and to never again take for
granted the love of those I
find reciprocally worthy
that I share it with, and
to not waste any time or
emotion on those who I
know I simply need to
let go, without feeling
I am owed something that
I will never get anyway.