Growing up
A few nights ago, I was almost asleep... when I began laughing uproariously.
What I was laughing about was the worst moment of my life--something that happened in August of 2007 and something that I feel damaged me so much that I wasn't a whole person again until I started laughing now, in November of 2009.
I don't even know exactly how it was that moment affected me, but I know that it made me stop trusting people, made me drive people away, and made me do the only things in my life that I'd say I actually regret--if I believed in regret. (I think it's a stupid emotion and honestly I do think everything happens for a reason.)
Over the past few months, I feel like I've really had to grow up. Being dropped in the middle of a rural community where child neglect and alcoholism are the norm, and where I can barely afford groceries sometimes and am now in debt to what I feel like is every entity in the States, might be a large part of it. Or maybe it's experience finally catching up with me, I don't know.
But growing up is making me feel like a real person again... In fact, I think all this growing up is what has made me realize that that moment was what screwed me up so much; it was the turning point down a very dark path out of which I have only recently climbed, if you'll pardon the dramatization. It's really made me realize that my own inner fucked-up-ness caused me to be fucked up to other people. I hate realizing that because I always thought I was a person who didn't take her own stuff out on others. But I think that's exactly what I've been doing for the past two years.
Anyway, in regards to that moment... it's nice not to have that hanging over my head like some subconscious bulldozer to knock me down when I'm starting to feel good about myself. I still believe rotting in hell would be a fate too good for the person who caused that moment, but I am finally past its effects... and the laughing felt excellent.
I don't know if I was laughing because I finally can think of it as funny, or if I was laughing because I needed to release whatever hatred and damage that moment made me feel. But whatever it was, woot for my psyche being able to let it go.
What I was laughing about was the worst moment of my life--something that happened in August of 2007 and something that I feel damaged me so much that I wasn't a whole person again until I started laughing now, in November of 2009.
I don't even know exactly how it was that moment affected me, but I know that it made me stop trusting people, made me drive people away, and made me do the only things in my life that I'd say I actually regret--if I believed in regret. (I think it's a stupid emotion and honestly I do think everything happens for a reason.)
Over the past few months, I feel like I've really had to grow up. Being dropped in the middle of a rural community where child neglect and alcoholism are the norm, and where I can barely afford groceries sometimes and am now in debt to what I feel like is every entity in the States, might be a large part of it. Or maybe it's experience finally catching up with me, I don't know.
But growing up is making me feel like a real person again... In fact, I think all this growing up is what has made me realize that that moment was what screwed me up so much; it was the turning point down a very dark path out of which I have only recently climbed, if you'll pardon the dramatization. It's really made me realize that my own inner fucked-up-ness caused me to be fucked up to other people. I hate realizing that because I always thought I was a person who didn't take her own stuff out on others. But I think that's exactly what I've been doing for the past two years.
Anyway, in regards to that moment... it's nice not to have that hanging over my head like some subconscious bulldozer to knock me down when I'm starting to feel good about myself. I still believe rotting in hell would be a fate too good for the person who caused that moment, but I am finally past its effects... and the laughing felt excellent.
I don't know if I was laughing because I finally can think of it as funny, or if I was laughing because I needed to release whatever hatred and damage that moment made me feel. But whatever it was, woot for my psyche being able to let it go.